[sj100] 008. Locket
I thought this was going to be really funny, and it sort of is, but mostly because it's horrible. Still, though, funny, so it may be worth your while. Beware: here be ridiculously bad writing and blatant plagiarism of a beloved anime. My apologies to Ms. Takeuchi.
Dedicated to Anna; without this, there would be no sailor-suited Heechul. ♥
Locket
pairing: Heechul/Sungmin
The locket was cheap imitation gold with a ridiculous red glass heart stuck smack in the center of the cover. It was tacky. It was gaudy. It was hideous.
It was the gayest thing Sungmin had ever seen and he wanted one desperately.
If the locket had been anyone else's, he would have asked where he could buy one or if he could borrow it, but unfortunately it belonged to Heechul. The group had learned long ago that one did not ask Heechul if one could borrow or copy his latest fashion statement unless one was willing to have one's eyes clawed out. This was particularly true if said "one" happened to be Sungmin, because Heechul seemed to have a particular dislike for his chipmunk-cheeked dongsaeng. Sungmin was fairly sure his hyung's ill will was rooted in his conviction that Sungmin acted unspeakably cute on purpose in order to lure away a segment of the general population that might otherwise be expected to fangirl or -boy Heechul. There was nothing Sungmin could do about this (it wasn't as if he could just become less cute, after all) so he normally settled for giving Heechul a wide berth and hoping for the best. In situations like these, however-situations in which fabulous drag-queen-meets-pretty-pretty-princess jewelry was at stake-he was sometimes tempted to start wearing a burlap sack over his head in the hope that his hyung would take pity on him.
***
It was three weeks after Heechul had started wearing the locket that it happened. They were at the studio and, having just finished recording a song for the new Super Junior-T single, they were taking a short break. Sungmin watched with ever increasing horror as Heechul made the rounds.
"Hyung, come to the convenience store with me and buy me something to eat," Heechul said, tugging on Eeteuk's sleeve.
"No," Eeteuk said, holding his head still as Kangin braided his hair.
Heechul's eyes narrowed slightly.
"Kangin-ah, come to the convenience store with me and buy me something to eat," Heechul said, pulling on Kangin's sleeve.
"No," Kangin said, his tongue jutting out slightly in concentration as he tied off one braid and began work on the next.
Heechul's eyes narrowed more.
"Shindong-ah, come to the convenience store with me and buy me something to eat," Heechul said through clenched teeth, yanking on Shindong's sleeve.
"No," Shindong said through a mouthful of potato chips, sounding mildly offended. "Do you think this pudge stays on by itself? I have to work at it, especially when we're having this much dance practice, and I can't just go walking places and using money to buy food that's not even for me!"
Heechul stared at the potato chip flecks now speckling the front of Shindong's shirt. His brows raised, then lowered, and then his eyes narrowed even more.
"Yah!" he growled, grabbing two fistfuls of Hyukjae's shirt. "Gimme all your money!"
"Fuck you, hyung!" Hyukjae spat back, and Sungmin remembered Kibum telling them to try this, but he'd never thought Hyukjae would be ballsy enough to chance it. Sungmin looked on in morbid curiosity, waiting for the bloodbath to begin.
One agonizingly long moment passed. Two.
"Huh," Heechul said, almost approvingly, and let go of Hyukjae's shirt.
Sungmin let out a sigh of relief he hadn't known he'd been holding in, and immediately regretted it when Heechul's eyes, now dangerously narrow slits, darted to him.
"Well," Heechul said, voice dripping with disgust, "I guess you'll have to do," and before Sungmin could even let out a squeak of distress he found himself dragged out of the room, out of the building and on his way to the convenience store.
***
It was twilight when they reached their destination and almost fully dark by the time they reemerged from the store, Sungmin's wallet empty and his arms loaded down with Heechul's treats.
"Thanks, Minnie!" Heechul intoned, viciously sweet, and swatted Sungmin on the back. The younger boy tripped and stumbled, managing to keep hold of his precious cargo only with heroic effort. Heechul smiled, turned, and began the walk back to the studio at a brisk pace. Sungmin followed, but laden as he was with chocopies and fruit snacks and wine coolers he found it difficult to keep up. The distance between them increased slowly but surely, and soon Sungmin was more than two streetlights behind. Juggling items to keep from dropping anything, he concentrated on the glint of his coveted locket's chain as Heechul passed through pools of yellow light on the sidewalk in front of him and proceeded gamely onward, determined not to incur any more of his hyung's wrath.
And then it happened: someone grabbed him roughly from behind (a woman, from the feel of the body that was suddenly pressing against his back) and he dropped everything. The sickening sound of plastic scrunching and glass breaking echoed through the night air, and Sungmin thought, Shit, because Heechul was going to kill him, and then again, Shit, when he realized that whoever had grabbed him might actually kill him before Heechul had the chance.
Upon hearing the noise, Heechul froze in midstep, then slowly turned, saying, "What the fu-" And then his eyes widened at the sight of the woman holding Sungmin and he finished softly, "Oh. You."
"We meet again, princess!" the woman exclaimed shrilly, and laughed. The noise was the most bizarre thing Sungmin had heard in his life; he imagined that if Swiss mountain yodelers were to inhale copious amounts of helium, they might be able to reproduce it.
"So we do, Heterosexica," Heechul said, staring at the woman.
"I'm sorry, who? Hetero...what?" Sungmin said, feeling distinctly like he was missing something. He moved to break free of the woman's hold, but her grip was surprisingly strong.
"Quiet, Sungmin," Heechul said, gaze never wavering from the woman. "Let him go."
"Oh, no, I don't think I will! Because you see, I am here to cure him of the gay!" She yodel-laughed again, and Sungmin shook his head slightly. What the fuck? he thought.
"What the fuck?" he said.
"Now, now, my boy, such language!" Heterosexica trilled, and flung Sungmin to the side with such force that he ran into a building wall and fell onto the sidewalk. Rubbing his smarting shoulder and looking up, he caught his first glimpse of the woman who had been holding him. She was a tall, thin, blonde woman wearing a blue pantsuit, her hair caught up in a no-nonsense bun, and she was stunningly beautiful. She was also pointing something at him that appeared to be-
"I'm sorry, is that a plastic vagina?" Sungmin couldn't help but asking, sure he was wrong and yet unable to think of anything else it could possibly be.
The woman laughed her yodeling laugh, throwing her head back and covering her mouth daintily with a manicured hand. "Why, yes it is!" Something about this seemed to thrill her very much, because she was grinning from ear to ear. "I call it my Pussy Pistol. It's what I use to turn all the little gay boys straight!"
Sungmin opened his mouth to say something, but, realizing that there was really nothing to be said after such a statement, snapped it closed again.
"If you touch one flaming hair on that boy's head, I swear..." Heechul growled, stalking toward the two of them. Sungmin felt his mouth swing open again, this time in shock. This was certainly un-Heechul-like behavior.
"You swear what, princess?" Heterosexica said, her voice low and full of humor. "You'll stop me? We both know what you'll need to do to try, and you can't very well do it in front of him..."
"Hyung, what is she talking about?" Sungmin asked, now completely lost.
"Quiet, Sungmin," Heechul said again, gaze still fixed on the woman. "You made a gamble, Heterosexica. You bet I wouldn't transform in front of him. But you bet wrong." And with that, Heechul removed the hideous locket from around his neck, held it aloft above his head, and yelled , "Rainbow Queen Power, Make Up!"
"Marvelous!" Heterosexica shrieked, clearly enjoying herself..
"What," Sungmin said in an incredulous monotone.
And then suddenly Sister Sledge's "We Are Family" began booming in his eardrums, and Heechul had turned rainbow-colored and was floating in the air and spinning and ribbons were flowing out of the locket. Sungmin blinked, brain temporarily too overwhelmed to suggest any other action.
We are family!
The ribbons wrapped around Heechul's torso, forming into a tight leotard.
I got all my sisters with me!
More ribbons shot out and wrapped around Heechul's hands, shaping themselves into sleek, elbow-length gloves.
We are family!
The ribbons now made their way down to wrap around his feet and crystallize into knee-high boots.
Get up everybody and sing!
The ribbons formed into a short, pleated skirt, the locket transformed into a tiara gaudy enough to put even its original form to shame and then it was over, and Heechul was standing in front of them wearing a girl's sailor uniform and pointing grandiosely at Heterosexica.
"For fags and dykes everywhere, I work this sailor suit out! Bitch, please, I am Sailor Queen! And In the name of all that is fabulous, I'll punish you! And not in the good, naughty way, either!" Heechul boomed.
Heterosexica threw her head back in laughter once again, then pointed her Pussy Pistol at Heechul. "Very well," she said, "let the games begin!"
"Oh, you want game? Girl, I will show you game!" Heechul said, and took the monstrous tiara off of his head. "Screaming Queen Accessory, fuck that bitch up!" he yelled. And with that the tiara began to shriek like Heechul trying to hit a high note, and the sailor-suited man flung it at the woman.
The tiara caught her laughing again and hit her smack in the middle of the forehead, then fell to the ground with a clang and let out one last particularly indignant scream before shutting up.
"Oh, this is dreadfully gaudy!" Heterosexica murmured, picking up the tiara. "No, it will never do for me! Take it back!" she finished imperiously, and heaved the bejeweled crown back at Heechul, who flailed heroically but was unable to keep it from crashing into his gut and knocking him to the ground. "Now, my dear," she said, brandishing her plastic vagina and advancing on him, "it's time for you to meet my pussy pal!"
She was nearly on top of Heechul when a rose whizzed through the air and grazed her cheek. She shrieked and hopped backwards, bringing a hand up to the scratch, and Heechul's face lit up.
"Tuxedo Closet Case!" he swooned.
"Tuxedo Closet Case?" Heterosexica cried, looking around wildly.
"Siwon?" Sungmin asked, now fairly sure he was hallucinating. Heechul glared at him, Heterosexica looked at him quizzically, and Tuxedo Closet Case (whom Sungmin thought looked very much like Siwon in a tuxedo and a rainbow-colored masquerade mask) cleared his throat in seeming discomfort on the roof of a nearby building.
"It is I, Tuxedo Closet Case!" he said grandly, and a sweeping violin melody sung out from behind him. Everyone looked back at him, surprised. "Yes, I, Tuxedo Closet Case have come to...um..." and then he turned and said in a slightly less grand voice, "Sorry, Henry, I can't concentrate while you're doing that. Would you mind...?" The violin music stopped, and Tuxedo Closet Case turned back toward the three people watching him from the street below. "I, Tuxedo Closet Case, will not allow you to deflame the flaming! I will not allow you to defabulize the fabulous! And I will not allow you to dequeen Sailor Queen, whom I frequently but clandestinely have sex with!"
For a moment, the street was silent but for the echo of his words.
Then Heterosexica yodeled as if she had lived her whole life in the Alps. "What a man! I must have him!" she cried, and ran at the building waving her Pussy Pistol with great excitement.
"Siwi is mine, bitch!" Heechul roared and tackled her. Sungmin watched for a while as they wrestled in the middle of the street, but eventually had to look away-he was getting far too clear a view of what was up Heechul's skirt.
It was then that he realized a cat was sitting next to him.
"Jesus Christ, took you long enough," the cat lisped.
Sungmin stared.
The cat glared.
Then Sungmin realized who the cat was.
"Heebum?" he asked.
"Betch, who the hell do you think it is?" the cat responded.
"Heebum, you can talk?"
"Oh. My. God. Just shut up and take this, ok?" Heebum pulled a locket out of somewhere in its fur and offered it to Sungmin with one dainty paw. Picking it up, Sungmin was thrilled to find that it looked exactly like Heechul's, only with a pink heart instead of a red one.
"It's perfect!" he said.
"Jesus, what are you, a rent boy?" the cat said in disgust. "Don't just look at the shiny-hold it up and yell, 'Rainbow Twink Power, Make Up!'"
"Oh, right," Sungmin said, tearing his eyes off the locket and standing up. He raised it into the air and yelled. "Rainbow Twink Power, Make Up!"
The air was suddenly filled with bad techno music and he was floating. Glow sticks shot out of the the locket and began painting him with neon light. It was like a rave, if a rave dressed you up in a sailor uniform. When he hit the ground again, Tuxedo Closet Case, Heechul and Heterosexica were all staring at him, shocked.
Heechul was the first to move. He marched over to Sungmin and slapped him in the face. "That is for dropping all my treats." He slapped him again. "And that is for being so goddamn cute all the time." He looked Sungmin over and then slapped him again. "And that is for having better legs that me. Damn, girl!"
Sungmin blushed. "Er, thanks."
"Enough with the girl talk, betches!" Heebum said, padding between the two of them. "Sailor Twink, face Heterosexica and say, 'Ultimate Aegyo of Fury!'"
"Ultimate Aegyo of Fury!" Sungmin yelled, and felt his lips curve into a sweet smile and his eyebrows flutter.
"So cute!" Heterosexica squealed, and began to flail and squeak and rush at Sungmin with her arms wide open.
"What now?" Sungmin asked, feeling close to panic as he ran as fast as he could to keep ahead of Heterosexica's greedy hands.
"What, I'm supposed to know everything? Please," Heebum said, and began to primly lick its paws.
I will punch that cat in the face, Sungmin thought, and that's when it hit him. Wait. I know kungfu. And so he punched Heterosexica in the face. And when she kept coming he delivered a roundhouse kick to her left temple. And when she got up and still kept coming he threw her against the side of a building. Unable to get back to her feet, she began grabbing feebly at the air around her and sporadically yodeling.
"Wow," Heechul said, looking for the first time in his life impressed with his dongsaeng.
"Sailor Queen! Now!" Tuxedo Closet Case yelled from the roof, pressed a button on a boom box he had apparently brought with him and held it above his head as "Tell Me" by the Wondergirls began to play.
"Oh. Right," Heechul said, and began to dance.
Heterosexica gasped. "No! No!" She tried to avert her eyes, but Heechul's performance seemed to have enthralled her. Sungmin watched in fascinated horror as panic began to build on the woman's face.
"Omona!" squeaked Sohee from the boom box, and Heechul raised his hand to his cheek, and then Heterosexica shrieked a final yodeling shriek and disintegrated before their eyes.
"Tell Me" abruptly stopped, and Sungmin looked up to the rooftop just in time to see the parting flourish of Tuxedo Closet Case's cape.
"Oh, sure, fine, don't stick around! Run back to that Chinese whore!" Heechul yelled in the general direction of the rooftop with no small amount of bitterness. Then he turned to Sungmin and said gruffly, "Well, good job there, Sailor Twink. That kung fu was actually kind of hot."
Sungmin looked down in embarrassment and noticed the Heechul's skirt was sticking out strangely in front. Was that-
"Hyung?" he squeaked, eyes widening in alarm.
Heechul blushed. "What? I said it was kind of hot, ok? I can't help it if-" He snapped his jaw shut. "Listen," he started heatedly, "just because I said something nice to you doesn't mean I'm going to let you make out with me or anything, alright?"
"Hyung," Sungmin started, keen on ensuring Heechul that that was the last thing he wanted to do, but the older boy cut him off.
"Ok, fine, you can make out with me, but only once! And you can't touch my hair!"
Sungmin's jaw opened and closed spastically for a few moments before he was able to get out faintly, "Maybe later?"
Heechul raised his chin imperiously. "Later, then. Now pick up all of my treats and let's get back to the others."
Sungmin sighed as he bent down to salvage what he could of their convenience store haul and watched as Heechul began walking back towards the studio, Heebum prancing along beside him. It had been an interesting day. On the one hand, he had spent all of his money on someone he didn't even like, been assaulted by a plastic vagina, and now lived under the threat of an eventual make-out session with Heechul.
On the other hand, he had gotten his hands on one of those lockets.
All in all, he reasoned, it seemed like a fair trade.
Dedicated to Anna; without this, there would be no sailor-suited Heechul. ♥
Locket
pairing: Heechul/Sungmin
The locket was cheap imitation gold with a ridiculous red glass heart stuck smack in the center of the cover. It was tacky. It was gaudy. It was hideous.
It was the gayest thing Sungmin had ever seen and he wanted one desperately.
If the locket had been anyone else's, he would have asked where he could buy one or if he could borrow it, but unfortunately it belonged to Heechul. The group had learned long ago that one did not ask Heechul if one could borrow or copy his latest fashion statement unless one was willing to have one's eyes clawed out. This was particularly true if said "one" happened to be Sungmin, because Heechul seemed to have a particular dislike for his chipmunk-cheeked dongsaeng. Sungmin was fairly sure his hyung's ill will was rooted in his conviction that Sungmin acted unspeakably cute on purpose in order to lure away a segment of the general population that might otherwise be expected to fangirl or -boy Heechul. There was nothing Sungmin could do about this (it wasn't as if he could just become less cute, after all) so he normally settled for giving Heechul a wide berth and hoping for the best. In situations like these, however-situations in which fabulous drag-queen-meets-pretty-pretty-princess jewelry was at stake-he was sometimes tempted to start wearing a burlap sack over his head in the hope that his hyung would take pity on him.
***
It was three weeks after Heechul had started wearing the locket that it happened. They were at the studio and, having just finished recording a song for the new Super Junior-T single, they were taking a short break. Sungmin watched with ever increasing horror as Heechul made the rounds.
"Hyung, come to the convenience store with me and buy me something to eat," Heechul said, tugging on Eeteuk's sleeve.
"No," Eeteuk said, holding his head still as Kangin braided his hair.
Heechul's eyes narrowed slightly.
"Kangin-ah, come to the convenience store with me and buy me something to eat," Heechul said, pulling on Kangin's sleeve.
"No," Kangin said, his tongue jutting out slightly in concentration as he tied off one braid and began work on the next.
Heechul's eyes narrowed more.
"Shindong-ah, come to the convenience store with me and buy me something to eat," Heechul said through clenched teeth, yanking on Shindong's sleeve.
"No," Shindong said through a mouthful of potato chips, sounding mildly offended. "Do you think this pudge stays on by itself? I have to work at it, especially when we're having this much dance practice, and I can't just go walking places and using money to buy food that's not even for me!"
Heechul stared at the potato chip flecks now speckling the front of Shindong's shirt. His brows raised, then lowered, and then his eyes narrowed even more.
"Yah!" he growled, grabbing two fistfuls of Hyukjae's shirt. "Gimme all your money!"
"Fuck you, hyung!" Hyukjae spat back, and Sungmin remembered Kibum telling them to try this, but he'd never thought Hyukjae would be ballsy enough to chance it. Sungmin looked on in morbid curiosity, waiting for the bloodbath to begin.
One agonizingly long moment passed. Two.
"Huh," Heechul said, almost approvingly, and let go of Hyukjae's shirt.
Sungmin let out a sigh of relief he hadn't known he'd been holding in, and immediately regretted it when Heechul's eyes, now dangerously narrow slits, darted to him.
"Well," Heechul said, voice dripping with disgust, "I guess you'll have to do," and before Sungmin could even let out a squeak of distress he found himself dragged out of the room, out of the building and on his way to the convenience store.
***
It was twilight when they reached their destination and almost fully dark by the time they reemerged from the store, Sungmin's wallet empty and his arms loaded down with Heechul's treats.
"Thanks, Minnie!" Heechul intoned, viciously sweet, and swatted Sungmin on the back. The younger boy tripped and stumbled, managing to keep hold of his precious cargo only with heroic effort. Heechul smiled, turned, and began the walk back to the studio at a brisk pace. Sungmin followed, but laden as he was with chocopies and fruit snacks and wine coolers he found it difficult to keep up. The distance between them increased slowly but surely, and soon Sungmin was more than two streetlights behind. Juggling items to keep from dropping anything, he concentrated on the glint of his coveted locket's chain as Heechul passed through pools of yellow light on the sidewalk in front of him and proceeded gamely onward, determined not to incur any more of his hyung's wrath.
And then it happened: someone grabbed him roughly from behind (a woman, from the feel of the body that was suddenly pressing against his back) and he dropped everything. The sickening sound of plastic scrunching and glass breaking echoed through the night air, and Sungmin thought, Shit, because Heechul was going to kill him, and then again, Shit, when he realized that whoever had grabbed him might actually kill him before Heechul had the chance.
Upon hearing the noise, Heechul froze in midstep, then slowly turned, saying, "What the fu-" And then his eyes widened at the sight of the woman holding Sungmin and he finished softly, "Oh. You."
"We meet again, princess!" the woman exclaimed shrilly, and laughed. The noise was the most bizarre thing Sungmin had heard in his life; he imagined that if Swiss mountain yodelers were to inhale copious amounts of helium, they might be able to reproduce it.
"So we do, Heterosexica," Heechul said, staring at the woman.
"I'm sorry, who? Hetero...what?" Sungmin said, feeling distinctly like he was missing something. He moved to break free of the woman's hold, but her grip was surprisingly strong.
"Quiet, Sungmin," Heechul said, gaze never wavering from the woman. "Let him go."
"Oh, no, I don't think I will! Because you see, I am here to cure him of the gay!" She yodel-laughed again, and Sungmin shook his head slightly. What the fuck? he thought.
"What the fuck?" he said.
"Now, now, my boy, such language!" Heterosexica trilled, and flung Sungmin to the side with such force that he ran into a building wall and fell onto the sidewalk. Rubbing his smarting shoulder and looking up, he caught his first glimpse of the woman who had been holding him. She was a tall, thin, blonde woman wearing a blue pantsuit, her hair caught up in a no-nonsense bun, and she was stunningly beautiful. She was also pointing something at him that appeared to be-
"I'm sorry, is that a plastic vagina?" Sungmin couldn't help but asking, sure he was wrong and yet unable to think of anything else it could possibly be.
The woman laughed her yodeling laugh, throwing her head back and covering her mouth daintily with a manicured hand. "Why, yes it is!" Something about this seemed to thrill her very much, because she was grinning from ear to ear. "I call it my Pussy Pistol. It's what I use to turn all the little gay boys straight!"
Sungmin opened his mouth to say something, but, realizing that there was really nothing to be said after such a statement, snapped it closed again.
"If you touch one flaming hair on that boy's head, I swear..." Heechul growled, stalking toward the two of them. Sungmin felt his mouth swing open again, this time in shock. This was certainly un-Heechul-like behavior.
"You swear what, princess?" Heterosexica said, her voice low and full of humor. "You'll stop me? We both know what you'll need to do to try, and you can't very well do it in front of him..."
"Hyung, what is she talking about?" Sungmin asked, now completely lost.
"Quiet, Sungmin," Heechul said again, gaze still fixed on the woman. "You made a gamble, Heterosexica. You bet I wouldn't transform in front of him. But you bet wrong." And with that, Heechul removed the hideous locket from around his neck, held it aloft above his head, and yelled , "Rainbow Queen Power, Make Up!"
"Marvelous!" Heterosexica shrieked, clearly enjoying herself..
"What," Sungmin said in an incredulous monotone.
And then suddenly Sister Sledge's "We Are Family" began booming in his eardrums, and Heechul had turned rainbow-colored and was floating in the air and spinning and ribbons were flowing out of the locket. Sungmin blinked, brain temporarily too overwhelmed to suggest any other action.
We are family!
The ribbons wrapped around Heechul's torso, forming into a tight leotard.
I got all my sisters with me!
More ribbons shot out and wrapped around Heechul's hands, shaping themselves into sleek, elbow-length gloves.
We are family!
The ribbons now made their way down to wrap around his feet and crystallize into knee-high boots.
Get up everybody and sing!
The ribbons formed into a short, pleated skirt, the locket transformed into a tiara gaudy enough to put even its original form to shame and then it was over, and Heechul was standing in front of them wearing a girl's sailor uniform and pointing grandiosely at Heterosexica.
"For fags and dykes everywhere, I work this sailor suit out! Bitch, please, I am Sailor Queen! And In the name of all that is fabulous, I'll punish you! And not in the good, naughty way, either!" Heechul boomed.
Heterosexica threw her head back in laughter once again, then pointed her Pussy Pistol at Heechul. "Very well," she said, "let the games begin!"
"Oh, you want game? Girl, I will show you game!" Heechul said, and took the monstrous tiara off of his head. "Screaming Queen Accessory, fuck that bitch up!" he yelled. And with that the tiara began to shriek like Heechul trying to hit a high note, and the sailor-suited man flung it at the woman.
The tiara caught her laughing again and hit her smack in the middle of the forehead, then fell to the ground with a clang and let out one last particularly indignant scream before shutting up.
"Oh, this is dreadfully gaudy!" Heterosexica murmured, picking up the tiara. "No, it will never do for me! Take it back!" she finished imperiously, and heaved the bejeweled crown back at Heechul, who flailed heroically but was unable to keep it from crashing into his gut and knocking him to the ground. "Now, my dear," she said, brandishing her plastic vagina and advancing on him, "it's time for you to meet my pussy pal!"
She was nearly on top of Heechul when a rose whizzed through the air and grazed her cheek. She shrieked and hopped backwards, bringing a hand up to the scratch, and Heechul's face lit up.
"Tuxedo Closet Case!" he swooned.
"Tuxedo Closet Case?" Heterosexica cried, looking around wildly.
"Siwon?" Sungmin asked, now fairly sure he was hallucinating. Heechul glared at him, Heterosexica looked at him quizzically, and Tuxedo Closet Case (whom Sungmin thought looked very much like Siwon in a tuxedo and a rainbow-colored masquerade mask) cleared his throat in seeming discomfort on the roof of a nearby building.
"It is I, Tuxedo Closet Case!" he said grandly, and a sweeping violin melody sung out from behind him. Everyone looked back at him, surprised. "Yes, I, Tuxedo Closet Case have come to...um..." and then he turned and said in a slightly less grand voice, "Sorry, Henry, I can't concentrate while you're doing that. Would you mind...?" The violin music stopped, and Tuxedo Closet Case turned back toward the three people watching him from the street below. "I, Tuxedo Closet Case, will not allow you to deflame the flaming! I will not allow you to defabulize the fabulous! And I will not allow you to dequeen Sailor Queen, whom I frequently but clandestinely have sex with!"
For a moment, the street was silent but for the echo of his words.
Then Heterosexica yodeled as if she had lived her whole life in the Alps. "What a man! I must have him!" she cried, and ran at the building waving her Pussy Pistol with great excitement.
"Siwi is mine, bitch!" Heechul roared and tackled her. Sungmin watched for a while as they wrestled in the middle of the street, but eventually had to look away-he was getting far too clear a view of what was up Heechul's skirt.
It was then that he realized a cat was sitting next to him.
"Jesus Christ, took you long enough," the cat lisped.
Sungmin stared.
The cat glared.
Then Sungmin realized who the cat was.
"Heebum?" he asked.
"Betch, who the hell do you think it is?" the cat responded.
"Heebum, you can talk?"
"Oh. My. God. Just shut up and take this, ok?" Heebum pulled a locket out of somewhere in its fur and offered it to Sungmin with one dainty paw. Picking it up, Sungmin was thrilled to find that it looked exactly like Heechul's, only with a pink heart instead of a red one.
"It's perfect!" he said.
"Jesus, what are you, a rent boy?" the cat said in disgust. "Don't just look at the shiny-hold it up and yell, 'Rainbow Twink Power, Make Up!'"
"Oh, right," Sungmin said, tearing his eyes off the locket and standing up. He raised it into the air and yelled. "Rainbow Twink Power, Make Up!"
The air was suddenly filled with bad techno music and he was floating. Glow sticks shot out of the the locket and began painting him with neon light. It was like a rave, if a rave dressed you up in a sailor uniform. When he hit the ground again, Tuxedo Closet Case, Heechul and Heterosexica were all staring at him, shocked.
Heechul was the first to move. He marched over to Sungmin and slapped him in the face. "That is for dropping all my treats." He slapped him again. "And that is for being so goddamn cute all the time." He looked Sungmin over and then slapped him again. "And that is for having better legs that me. Damn, girl!"
Sungmin blushed. "Er, thanks."
"Enough with the girl talk, betches!" Heebum said, padding between the two of them. "Sailor Twink, face Heterosexica and say, 'Ultimate Aegyo of Fury!'"
"Ultimate Aegyo of Fury!" Sungmin yelled, and felt his lips curve into a sweet smile and his eyebrows flutter.
"So cute!" Heterosexica squealed, and began to flail and squeak and rush at Sungmin with her arms wide open.
"What now?" Sungmin asked, feeling close to panic as he ran as fast as he could to keep ahead of Heterosexica's greedy hands.
"What, I'm supposed to know everything? Please," Heebum said, and began to primly lick its paws.
I will punch that cat in the face, Sungmin thought, and that's when it hit him. Wait. I know kungfu. And so he punched Heterosexica in the face. And when she kept coming he delivered a roundhouse kick to her left temple. And when she got up and still kept coming he threw her against the side of a building. Unable to get back to her feet, she began grabbing feebly at the air around her and sporadically yodeling.
"Wow," Heechul said, looking for the first time in his life impressed with his dongsaeng.
"Sailor Queen! Now!" Tuxedo Closet Case yelled from the roof, pressed a button on a boom box he had apparently brought with him and held it above his head as "Tell Me" by the Wondergirls began to play.
"Oh. Right," Heechul said, and began to dance.
Heterosexica gasped. "No! No!" She tried to avert her eyes, but Heechul's performance seemed to have enthralled her. Sungmin watched in fascinated horror as panic began to build on the woman's face.
"Omona!" squeaked Sohee from the boom box, and Heechul raised his hand to his cheek, and then Heterosexica shrieked a final yodeling shriek and disintegrated before their eyes.
"Tell Me" abruptly stopped, and Sungmin looked up to the rooftop just in time to see the parting flourish of Tuxedo Closet Case's cape.
"Oh, sure, fine, don't stick around! Run back to that Chinese whore!" Heechul yelled in the general direction of the rooftop with no small amount of bitterness. Then he turned to Sungmin and said gruffly, "Well, good job there, Sailor Twink. That kung fu was actually kind of hot."
Sungmin looked down in embarrassment and noticed the Heechul's skirt was sticking out strangely in front. Was that-
"Hyung?" he squeaked, eyes widening in alarm.
Heechul blushed. "What? I said it was kind of hot, ok? I can't help it if-" He snapped his jaw shut. "Listen," he started heatedly, "just because I said something nice to you doesn't mean I'm going to let you make out with me or anything, alright?"
"Hyung," Sungmin started, keen on ensuring Heechul that that was the last thing he wanted to do, but the older boy cut him off.
"Ok, fine, you can make out with me, but only once! And you can't touch my hair!"
Sungmin's jaw opened and closed spastically for a few moments before he was able to get out faintly, "Maybe later?"
Heechul raised his chin imperiously. "Later, then. Now pick up all of my treats and let's get back to the others."
Sungmin sighed as he bent down to salvage what he could of their convenience store haul and watched as Heechul began walking back towards the studio, Heebum prancing along beside him. It had been an interesting day. On the one hand, he had spent all of his money on someone he didn't even like, been assaulted by a plastic vagina, and now lived under the threat of an eventual make-out session with Heechul.
On the other hand, he had gotten his hands on one of those lockets.
All in all, he reasoned, it seemed like a fair trade.