And Behind the Mask
This story is exactly the opposite of how I've always pictured Sungmin, but I've seen a variety of posts lately where people say they see him as 'fake' or 'hard to read' and I thought, "Hmm, now that would make for an interesting story." Hopefully, it did.
And Behind the Mask
pairing: Eunhyuk/Sungmin
The performer appeared in a flourish of red and gold, her elaborate costume twirling around her like banners whipping in a strong wind, her tiny white-clad feet swift and graceful as she danced. He watched, breathless, as she moved fluidly across the stage, then with a flourish of her fan stopped in the exact center and began to sing, notes clear and haunting. He couldn't understand the lyrics, but it didn't matter; he was soon lost in the images the melody conjured in his head, in fragments of childhood dreams, harvest moons, warm arms on cold nights. Halfway through he suddenly realized that he was staring at her mask. It was flawless white porcelain, and the face painted onto it in brilliant colors was serenely happy, as if in the throes of some secret bliss. As the song continued, he felt a perverse urge growing inside him to be rid of the beautiful mask and see the performer's face beneath it-to watch her lips as they made the sounds and see her eyes as they told the story-and by the end it was almost unbearable. His heart beat faster when, after her sweeping bow, she reached up with a delicate hand and took hold of the porcelain chin. He gasped in horror when she lifted the mask off to reveal a twisted mass of scar tissue where her face should have been. Her swollen bloodshot eyes opened, and suddenly they were staring straight into him, piercing him-
Eunhyuk awoke with a ragged cry, cold sweat pouring down his back. He had had the dream again.
*
Eunhyuk had known Sungmin the longest, and he thought that was probably why only he had noticed the change in Sungmin's smile. At first, he wasn't even sure he could explain how it was different; after all, Sungmin had always been soft-spoken and shy, always a bit flustered by the spotlight, and so the nervous, exaggerated grin was nothing new. Eunhyuk remembered it from as far back as their first meeting, remembered pacing the crowded hallway before the audition, tapping his fingers nervously against his sides, and abruptly stopping when he saw a boy about his age sitting against the wall and beaming at everyone who passed by. The boy's expression had been almost painfully cheery, and without thinking Eunhyuk had blurted out, "You must be pretty confident." The boy had looked up at him, brilliant smile still plastered to his face, and said, "I'm so nervous I think I'm going to throw up." At the time Eunhyuk had thought it was funny; he hadn't known that grinning could be a response to nerves.
Soon, though, Eunhyuk had gotten used to Sungmin's peculiar reaction to stress, and as he saw the smile blaze forth each time they stepped on stage or in front of a camera, it began to seem so normal to him that he gradually stopped noticing it at all. He thought that was probably why he couldn't remember exactly when the smile had stopped switching off after the cameras left and the stage lights dimmed. He remembered that he had first noticed it one night on the way home from a photo shoot. He was sitting next to Sungmin in the back of the charter bus and Sungmin's head was pillowed on his shoulder. Sungmin had always liked to fall asleep like this-back when they were still trainees, back when they lived with Junsu during their first summer with SM, the three of them used to take the public bus back to their boarding house outside of Seoul. When they finally arrived, often well past midnight, Eunhyuk would softly bump his head on Sungmin's to wake him and Sungmin would lift his head off Eunhyuk's shoulder, yawn, and follow him out into the cool night air. On this particular night, though, something was different. The weight on his shoulder felt tense, and when he turned his head-slowly, so as not to wake the other boy- he was surprised to see Sungmin's eyes wide open, his face still frozen in a smile. "We're done now; you don't have to do that anymore," he had said, somewhat amused. Sungmin had lifted his head off his shoulder, furrowed his brow in confusion, and said, "Do what?"
*
After that night, Eunhyuk had begun to watch Sungmin. He found that Sungmin didn't smile all the time; sometimes, he pouted, or cried, or laughed, or looked mischievous or wanton or innocent. Sungmin had a lot of different expressions, but none of them was the Sungmin he knew. The warm smile when Eunhyuk would buy him his favorite soda on the way home, the furrowed brow and tight lips when he couldn't quite master the dance routine Eunhyuk was teaching him, the bleary-eyed confusion as he followed Eunhyuk off the bus were all replaced by formulas, cookie cutter expressions, scraps of old emotions sewn together to veil...what? Eunhyuk didn't know, wasn't sure he wanted to. He told himself not to worry, because if something were really wrong the others would notice; if something were really wrong Sungmin would tell him. And so instead of worrying, he got irritated.
Eunhyuk finally snapped one day when the two of them were alone in Sungmin's room, reading together in companionable silence. They were sitting on opposite ends of the bed, Eunhyuk with his legs crossed and Sungmin stretched out, his feet nestled in Eunhyuk's lap. When Eunhyuk finished a chapter, he set his book down and on a whim began to tickle Sungmin's feet. When the empty smile appeared in response- as if Sungmin were a robot, as if you simply had to insert a coin to make the animatronic face move-Eunhyuk felt the anger inside him boil over. That Sungmin would act like this when it was just the two of them, when the sun was filtering in through the blinds and the only sound was the chirping of the birds and his feet were warm in Eunhyuk's lap, was suddenly too much, was almost an insult, and before he realized what he was doing he shoved Sungmin's feet out of his lap.
"Stop it." He was surprised by the harshness in his own voice.
Sungmin was evidently surprised too; he looked up in alarm and said with a pout, "Stop what?"
"Stop that." Eunhyuk gestured wildly, unsure of how to explain it if Sungmin didn't know. "You're acting weird."
"Who's acting weird, now?" Sungmin said, eyebrows raised, skeptical look perfectly executed, and Eunhyuk resisted the urge to grab him and shake it off.
"You know what I'm talking about. It creeps me out when you smile like that."
Sungmin began to look a bit irritated himself. "What, I'm not supposed to smile around you?"
"Not like that! You never used to use that smile with me..." Eunhyuk trailed off. He felt suddenly stupid, embarrassed that he had even brought it up, but at the same time like it was important, something he had to do.
Sungmin opened his mouth to speak, then closed it again, apparently unsure of what to say. After a brief pause, he looked Eunhyuk in the eyes and said, voice businesslike, "Is this about your crush on me? Because I thought you were over that."
Eunhyuk's eyes narrowed, and he was out the door before Sungmin could even try to stop him.
*
One night, after the long bus ride back to their apartment with Junsu, Eunhyuk had kissed Sungmin. When they had finished climbing the stairs to their floor, Junsu had opened the door, flipped on the lights and begun scrounging in the cupboards for food, and as soon as Eunhyuk sat down in front of the TV he had felt restless. He stood up again and Sungmin looked at him questioningly from where he had curled up on the couch.
"I'm going up to the roof," he had heard himself say, and before he could wonder when he had decided that Sungmin had said, "I'll come with you," and they were traipsing up flights of stairs and through a rusty, squeaky door out into the cool late summer night. They had sat down on someone's overturned laundry basket, next to shirts and sheets hung up to dry, rippling in the breeze. For a while, they had both simply stared in silence at the lights of the city skyline in the distance, twinkling, brilliant, and then when Eunhyuk looked over and saw Sungmin shivering slightly, and Sungmin looked back and smiled with eyes twinkling brighter than all of Seoul, Eunhyuk had leaned over and kissed him.
It had been a short kiss, soft and sincere, and Eunhyuk could still feel his lips tingle whenever he thought about it. He had known that Sungmin wouldn't kiss him back, had known that Sungmin didn't feel that way about him, but it had still been a disappointment when Sungmin had broken the kiss and stared down at his feet, blushing. Eunhyuk had tapped his fingers nervously together, waiting for Sungmin, voice embarrassed and eyes shifting uncomfortably, to reject him. When Sungmin finally spoke, though, the words had come out quiet and thoughtful and he had looked straight into Eunhyuk's eyes when he said, "I think if I were a girl, I would be in love with you." Eunhyuk had laughed, hadn't been able to help it, and had said, "If you were a girl, I wouldn't be in love with you." Sungmin hadn't said anything back; he had simply smiled and put his arm around Eunhyuk's shoulder, and Eunhyuk had leaned his head into Sungmin's, and they had stayed like that, staring out into the night, until Junsu had come to find them and make them eat the rest of the ramen he had made.
*
There was a knock on his door later that night, and when he opened it Sungmin was standing awkwardly on the other side, eyes lowered, face unreadable. Without a word, Eunhyuk led him back to his room and they sat down side by side on the bed, Sungmin picking nervously at the frayed edges of his jeans, Eunhyuk tapping his fingers silently on the bedframe, waiting.
Finally, Sungmin said, "I came to apologize for before. I didn't mean for it to come out that way." His eyes remained focused on his jeans, and Eunhyuk realized how much he had come to rely on Sungmin's expression for cues. With Sungmin's faced turned down, he didn't know what to think. There was a long pause as he tried to decide what to say.
"You know I've never had a crush on you." That was what had bothered him most earlier in the day; what he felt for Sungmin was not-never had been-a crush; it was deeper, and quieter, and to him it was unspeakable, sacred. At one point Sungmin had understood that.
"I know," Sungmin said hastily, "I know. I was just...flustered. Sometimes I forget how you feel about me." Another pause. "Hyukjae, I've been thinking a lot about that time on the roof recently." That time. The roof. The kiss. Eunhyuk's heart skipped a beat. "I've been thinking that...maybe I made a mistake." Sungmin kept his eyes lowered, but suddenly his hand was on Eunhyuk's thigh, and the room went out of focus. Eunhyuk's tried to breathe slowly, tried to calm himself until he heard Sungmin whisper, "Hyukjae, will you kiss me again?"
His heart leapt, the room spun, and then his lips were pressed against Sungmin's, and it felt just like it had on the roof, soft and exquisite. This time when the kiss broke, Sungmin didn't pull away; he breathed "Hyukjae," against his lips, voice aching, and Eunhyuk kissed him again, fiercely, pent up need he had forgotten was there flowing out of him in a torrent. Sungmin's mouth opened to him, Sungmin's body melted into his, and Eunhyuk was soaring, disoriented, his mind an explosion of disjointed thoughts. Sungmin was kissing him. Sungmin had never liked men before. Sungmin smelled fresh like breeze-dried linens. Sungmin was acting weird because of him. Sungmin's hand was warm on his thigh; Sungmin's jawline was smooth under his fingers. Sungmin hadn't looked at him tonight. Sungmin's humming (sighing? moaning?) tickled his tongue. There was something wrong with Sungmin. Sungmin was kissing him. Sungmin was kissing him.
Sungmin was kissing him.
Eunhyuk gave up thinking, tried to memorize every detail in case it was all a dream: the feel of Sungmin's hair running through his fingers, the feel of Sungmin's breath on his lips, the feel of Sungmin's hand sliding up his thigh...
And then Sungmin was grasping him through his pants and he let out a gasp as he felt himself pulsating, excruciatingly hard against Sungmin's hand. "Hyukjae..." came the whisper in his ear, fond and somehow forlorn, and Eunhyuk nearly growled as he reached out to touch Sungmin.
And found him completely soft.
He opened his eyes in surprise and for the first time that night found Sungmin looking back at him. Time seemed to stop for a moment as he looked into Sungmin's eyes and saw that they were hollow, empty, cold as his hands were warm, hard as his voice was soft. He felt the color drain from his face, and then he was scrambling off the bed, putting as much distance as he could between the two of them in the cramped room, rubbing desperately at his skin to rid himself of the feeling that he had been touching the dead. For a moment Sungmin remained sprawled on the bed, hair disheveled, lips indecently red, eyes blank, and then he sat up and faced Eunhyuk across the room.
"I thought this was what you wanted," he said softly, and for the first time in months his expression crumbled into something real. He looked like he was confused, like he was in pain, but most of all he looked like he was exhausted. Eunhyuk nearly laughed, because he had wanted to see the real Sungmin for so long, but now he almost wished for the smile again.
"No," he said, then again, more forcefully, "No. God, how could I want this?" His mind reeled. "Why did you ask me to kiss you if..." He couldn't finish the question, couldn't bear to think of the blank eyes staring back at him, waiting for it all to be over. "What's wrong with you?"
"There's nothing wrong with me, Hyukjae." Sungmin's voice was almost too tired to sound irritated. "If it's not that, then tell me what you want from me, and I'll do it."
"What I want from you? I don't want anything from you, Sungmin-"
"Of course you do." Suddenly Sungmin's voice was heated, and there was a strange fire in his eyes. "Everyone wants something from me. From you too, from all of us. That's what we're here for. You don't honestly think we're here to sing and dance, do you?" Sungmin snorted. "We're here to make other people happy, Hyukjae. That's all I'm trying to do."
Eunhyuk's mouth was dry. He opened it, realized he didn't know what to say, then closed it again, and then suddenly Sungmin snapped.
"Just tell me what you want from me!" It came out as an anguished moan, like an animal caught in a trap, begging for a swift end. "If you want me to act happy, I'll act happy." Now he was pacing towards Eunhyuk, his face distorted with pain and rage and fatigue. "If you want me to tell you I love you, I'll tell you I love you. If you want to fuck me, I'll let you fuck me." The last was spit out, loud and ugly, and Eunhyuk flinched. Now he was right in front of Eunhyuk, shaking, and he threw out his arms with a shrill, "Well?"
Eunhyuk hugged him. He held him tight as he felt him go stiff in his arms, didn't let go when he tried to break away, and then after a few tense seconds felt him collapse against him. Eunhyuk held him through the sobs racking his body, through the tears, hot on his neck, held him until he felt Sungmin's arms fall limp at his side and his breathing become slower, and then he sat down with him again on the bed.
Sungmin's eyes were red, his lips quivering. "Why did you have to notice?" he asked quietly. "I didn't want anyone to know." He leaned his head onto Eunhyuk's shoulder. "I just wanted to make you happy. I just wanted to make everyone happy. There's so many people to please, Hyukjae."
Eunhyuk slipped his arm around Sungmin's shoulder. "All you have to do to make everyone happy is be you."
It was a while before Sungmin responded. "I don't know who that is anymore."
Eunhyuk felt the tears spill out of his eyes, didn't want Sungmin to see, hastily got up and said with a pat on Sungmin's shoulder, "I'll make us some tea."
He broke a cup and burned himself on the hot water before returned to the room with two steaming mugs of tea to find Sungmin gone. He set the mugs carefully down on his desk and then he was running, punching frantically at the elevator button, squeezing out before the door had fully opened on the ground floor and rushing out onto the street. It was deserted, and for a moment he just stood there, fingers tapping automatically against his thighs, before he began running again, back into the building, bounding up flights of stairs until he sprang out onto the roof.
It was autumn and the night was cold, but he stayed on the roof until his teeth began to chatter, until the giant harvest moon blurred in his vision, until the lights of Seoul lost their charm. Until he was cold enough not to feel anything anymore.
*
That night, Eunhyuk had the dream for the last time. He watched the performer in dread and tried to look away when she brought her hands to the mask, but he found his gaze was fixed, frozen. Then he gasped, not in horror but in surprise, because this time was different: instead of the mutilated mass of scars she had revealed every other time, behind the mask there was nothing at all. When Eunhyuk woke up the tears were already streaming down his face.
And Behind the Mask
pairing: Eunhyuk/Sungmin
The performer appeared in a flourish of red and gold, her elaborate costume twirling around her like banners whipping in a strong wind, her tiny white-clad feet swift and graceful as she danced. He watched, breathless, as she moved fluidly across the stage, then with a flourish of her fan stopped in the exact center and began to sing, notes clear and haunting. He couldn't understand the lyrics, but it didn't matter; he was soon lost in the images the melody conjured in his head, in fragments of childhood dreams, harvest moons, warm arms on cold nights. Halfway through he suddenly realized that he was staring at her mask. It was flawless white porcelain, and the face painted onto it in brilliant colors was serenely happy, as if in the throes of some secret bliss. As the song continued, he felt a perverse urge growing inside him to be rid of the beautiful mask and see the performer's face beneath it-to watch her lips as they made the sounds and see her eyes as they told the story-and by the end it was almost unbearable. His heart beat faster when, after her sweeping bow, she reached up with a delicate hand and took hold of the porcelain chin. He gasped in horror when she lifted the mask off to reveal a twisted mass of scar tissue where her face should have been. Her swollen bloodshot eyes opened, and suddenly they were staring straight into him, piercing him-
Eunhyuk awoke with a ragged cry, cold sweat pouring down his back. He had had the dream again.
*
Eunhyuk had known Sungmin the longest, and he thought that was probably why only he had noticed the change in Sungmin's smile. At first, he wasn't even sure he could explain how it was different; after all, Sungmin had always been soft-spoken and shy, always a bit flustered by the spotlight, and so the nervous, exaggerated grin was nothing new. Eunhyuk remembered it from as far back as their first meeting, remembered pacing the crowded hallway before the audition, tapping his fingers nervously against his sides, and abruptly stopping when he saw a boy about his age sitting against the wall and beaming at everyone who passed by. The boy's expression had been almost painfully cheery, and without thinking Eunhyuk had blurted out, "You must be pretty confident." The boy had looked up at him, brilliant smile still plastered to his face, and said, "I'm so nervous I think I'm going to throw up." At the time Eunhyuk had thought it was funny; he hadn't known that grinning could be a response to nerves.
Soon, though, Eunhyuk had gotten used to Sungmin's peculiar reaction to stress, and as he saw the smile blaze forth each time they stepped on stage or in front of a camera, it began to seem so normal to him that he gradually stopped noticing it at all. He thought that was probably why he couldn't remember exactly when the smile had stopped switching off after the cameras left and the stage lights dimmed. He remembered that he had first noticed it one night on the way home from a photo shoot. He was sitting next to Sungmin in the back of the charter bus and Sungmin's head was pillowed on his shoulder. Sungmin had always liked to fall asleep like this-back when they were still trainees, back when they lived with Junsu during their first summer with SM, the three of them used to take the public bus back to their boarding house outside of Seoul. When they finally arrived, often well past midnight, Eunhyuk would softly bump his head on Sungmin's to wake him and Sungmin would lift his head off Eunhyuk's shoulder, yawn, and follow him out into the cool night air. On this particular night, though, something was different. The weight on his shoulder felt tense, and when he turned his head-slowly, so as not to wake the other boy- he was surprised to see Sungmin's eyes wide open, his face still frozen in a smile. "We're done now; you don't have to do that anymore," he had said, somewhat amused. Sungmin had lifted his head off his shoulder, furrowed his brow in confusion, and said, "Do what?"
*
After that night, Eunhyuk had begun to watch Sungmin. He found that Sungmin didn't smile all the time; sometimes, he pouted, or cried, or laughed, or looked mischievous or wanton or innocent. Sungmin had a lot of different expressions, but none of them was the Sungmin he knew. The warm smile when Eunhyuk would buy him his favorite soda on the way home, the furrowed brow and tight lips when he couldn't quite master the dance routine Eunhyuk was teaching him, the bleary-eyed confusion as he followed Eunhyuk off the bus were all replaced by formulas, cookie cutter expressions, scraps of old emotions sewn together to veil...what? Eunhyuk didn't know, wasn't sure he wanted to. He told himself not to worry, because if something were really wrong the others would notice; if something were really wrong Sungmin would tell him. And so instead of worrying, he got irritated.
Eunhyuk finally snapped one day when the two of them were alone in Sungmin's room, reading together in companionable silence. They were sitting on opposite ends of the bed, Eunhyuk with his legs crossed and Sungmin stretched out, his feet nestled in Eunhyuk's lap. When Eunhyuk finished a chapter, he set his book down and on a whim began to tickle Sungmin's feet. When the empty smile appeared in response- as if Sungmin were a robot, as if you simply had to insert a coin to make the animatronic face move-Eunhyuk felt the anger inside him boil over. That Sungmin would act like this when it was just the two of them, when the sun was filtering in through the blinds and the only sound was the chirping of the birds and his feet were warm in Eunhyuk's lap, was suddenly too much, was almost an insult, and before he realized what he was doing he shoved Sungmin's feet out of his lap.
"Stop it." He was surprised by the harshness in his own voice.
Sungmin was evidently surprised too; he looked up in alarm and said with a pout, "Stop what?"
"Stop that." Eunhyuk gestured wildly, unsure of how to explain it if Sungmin didn't know. "You're acting weird."
"Who's acting weird, now?" Sungmin said, eyebrows raised, skeptical look perfectly executed, and Eunhyuk resisted the urge to grab him and shake it off.
"You know what I'm talking about. It creeps me out when you smile like that."
Sungmin began to look a bit irritated himself. "What, I'm not supposed to smile around you?"
"Not like that! You never used to use that smile with me..." Eunhyuk trailed off. He felt suddenly stupid, embarrassed that he had even brought it up, but at the same time like it was important, something he had to do.
Sungmin opened his mouth to speak, then closed it again, apparently unsure of what to say. After a brief pause, he looked Eunhyuk in the eyes and said, voice businesslike, "Is this about your crush on me? Because I thought you were over that."
Eunhyuk's eyes narrowed, and he was out the door before Sungmin could even try to stop him.
*
One night, after the long bus ride back to their apartment with Junsu, Eunhyuk had kissed Sungmin. When they had finished climbing the stairs to their floor, Junsu had opened the door, flipped on the lights and begun scrounging in the cupboards for food, and as soon as Eunhyuk sat down in front of the TV he had felt restless. He stood up again and Sungmin looked at him questioningly from where he had curled up on the couch.
"I'm going up to the roof," he had heard himself say, and before he could wonder when he had decided that Sungmin had said, "I'll come with you," and they were traipsing up flights of stairs and through a rusty, squeaky door out into the cool late summer night. They had sat down on someone's overturned laundry basket, next to shirts and sheets hung up to dry, rippling in the breeze. For a while, they had both simply stared in silence at the lights of the city skyline in the distance, twinkling, brilliant, and then when Eunhyuk looked over and saw Sungmin shivering slightly, and Sungmin looked back and smiled with eyes twinkling brighter than all of Seoul, Eunhyuk had leaned over and kissed him.
It had been a short kiss, soft and sincere, and Eunhyuk could still feel his lips tingle whenever he thought about it. He had known that Sungmin wouldn't kiss him back, had known that Sungmin didn't feel that way about him, but it had still been a disappointment when Sungmin had broken the kiss and stared down at his feet, blushing. Eunhyuk had tapped his fingers nervously together, waiting for Sungmin, voice embarrassed and eyes shifting uncomfortably, to reject him. When Sungmin finally spoke, though, the words had come out quiet and thoughtful and he had looked straight into Eunhyuk's eyes when he said, "I think if I were a girl, I would be in love with you." Eunhyuk had laughed, hadn't been able to help it, and had said, "If you were a girl, I wouldn't be in love with you." Sungmin hadn't said anything back; he had simply smiled and put his arm around Eunhyuk's shoulder, and Eunhyuk had leaned his head into Sungmin's, and they had stayed like that, staring out into the night, until Junsu had come to find them and make them eat the rest of the ramen he had made.
*
There was a knock on his door later that night, and when he opened it Sungmin was standing awkwardly on the other side, eyes lowered, face unreadable. Without a word, Eunhyuk led him back to his room and they sat down side by side on the bed, Sungmin picking nervously at the frayed edges of his jeans, Eunhyuk tapping his fingers silently on the bedframe, waiting.
Finally, Sungmin said, "I came to apologize for before. I didn't mean for it to come out that way." His eyes remained focused on his jeans, and Eunhyuk realized how much he had come to rely on Sungmin's expression for cues. With Sungmin's faced turned down, he didn't know what to think. There was a long pause as he tried to decide what to say.
"You know I've never had a crush on you." That was what had bothered him most earlier in the day; what he felt for Sungmin was not-never had been-a crush; it was deeper, and quieter, and to him it was unspeakable, sacred. At one point Sungmin had understood that.
"I know," Sungmin said hastily, "I know. I was just...flustered. Sometimes I forget how you feel about me." Another pause. "Hyukjae, I've been thinking a lot about that time on the roof recently." That time. The roof. The kiss. Eunhyuk's heart skipped a beat. "I've been thinking that...maybe I made a mistake." Sungmin kept his eyes lowered, but suddenly his hand was on Eunhyuk's thigh, and the room went out of focus. Eunhyuk's tried to breathe slowly, tried to calm himself until he heard Sungmin whisper, "Hyukjae, will you kiss me again?"
His heart leapt, the room spun, and then his lips were pressed against Sungmin's, and it felt just like it had on the roof, soft and exquisite. This time when the kiss broke, Sungmin didn't pull away; he breathed "Hyukjae," against his lips, voice aching, and Eunhyuk kissed him again, fiercely, pent up need he had forgotten was there flowing out of him in a torrent. Sungmin's mouth opened to him, Sungmin's body melted into his, and Eunhyuk was soaring, disoriented, his mind an explosion of disjointed thoughts. Sungmin was kissing him. Sungmin had never liked men before. Sungmin smelled fresh like breeze-dried linens. Sungmin was acting weird because of him. Sungmin's hand was warm on his thigh; Sungmin's jawline was smooth under his fingers. Sungmin hadn't looked at him tonight. Sungmin's humming (sighing? moaning?) tickled his tongue. There was something wrong with Sungmin. Sungmin was kissing him. Sungmin was kissing him.
Sungmin was kissing him.
Eunhyuk gave up thinking, tried to memorize every detail in case it was all a dream: the feel of Sungmin's hair running through his fingers, the feel of Sungmin's breath on his lips, the feel of Sungmin's hand sliding up his thigh...
And then Sungmin was grasping him through his pants and he let out a gasp as he felt himself pulsating, excruciatingly hard against Sungmin's hand. "Hyukjae..." came the whisper in his ear, fond and somehow forlorn, and Eunhyuk nearly growled as he reached out to touch Sungmin.
And found him completely soft.
He opened his eyes in surprise and for the first time that night found Sungmin looking back at him. Time seemed to stop for a moment as he looked into Sungmin's eyes and saw that they were hollow, empty, cold as his hands were warm, hard as his voice was soft. He felt the color drain from his face, and then he was scrambling off the bed, putting as much distance as he could between the two of them in the cramped room, rubbing desperately at his skin to rid himself of the feeling that he had been touching the dead. For a moment Sungmin remained sprawled on the bed, hair disheveled, lips indecently red, eyes blank, and then he sat up and faced Eunhyuk across the room.
"I thought this was what you wanted," he said softly, and for the first time in months his expression crumbled into something real. He looked like he was confused, like he was in pain, but most of all he looked like he was exhausted. Eunhyuk nearly laughed, because he had wanted to see the real Sungmin for so long, but now he almost wished for the smile again.
"No," he said, then again, more forcefully, "No. God, how could I want this?" His mind reeled. "Why did you ask me to kiss you if..." He couldn't finish the question, couldn't bear to think of the blank eyes staring back at him, waiting for it all to be over. "What's wrong with you?"
"There's nothing wrong with me, Hyukjae." Sungmin's voice was almost too tired to sound irritated. "If it's not that, then tell me what you want from me, and I'll do it."
"What I want from you? I don't want anything from you, Sungmin-"
"Of course you do." Suddenly Sungmin's voice was heated, and there was a strange fire in his eyes. "Everyone wants something from me. From you too, from all of us. That's what we're here for. You don't honestly think we're here to sing and dance, do you?" Sungmin snorted. "We're here to make other people happy, Hyukjae. That's all I'm trying to do."
Eunhyuk's mouth was dry. He opened it, realized he didn't know what to say, then closed it again, and then suddenly Sungmin snapped.
"Just tell me what you want from me!" It came out as an anguished moan, like an animal caught in a trap, begging for a swift end. "If you want me to act happy, I'll act happy." Now he was pacing towards Eunhyuk, his face distorted with pain and rage and fatigue. "If you want me to tell you I love you, I'll tell you I love you. If you want to fuck me, I'll let you fuck me." The last was spit out, loud and ugly, and Eunhyuk flinched. Now he was right in front of Eunhyuk, shaking, and he threw out his arms with a shrill, "Well?"
Eunhyuk hugged him. He held him tight as he felt him go stiff in his arms, didn't let go when he tried to break away, and then after a few tense seconds felt him collapse against him. Eunhyuk held him through the sobs racking his body, through the tears, hot on his neck, held him until he felt Sungmin's arms fall limp at his side and his breathing become slower, and then he sat down with him again on the bed.
Sungmin's eyes were red, his lips quivering. "Why did you have to notice?" he asked quietly. "I didn't want anyone to know." He leaned his head onto Eunhyuk's shoulder. "I just wanted to make you happy. I just wanted to make everyone happy. There's so many people to please, Hyukjae."
Eunhyuk slipped his arm around Sungmin's shoulder. "All you have to do to make everyone happy is be you."
It was a while before Sungmin responded. "I don't know who that is anymore."
Eunhyuk felt the tears spill out of his eyes, didn't want Sungmin to see, hastily got up and said with a pat on Sungmin's shoulder, "I'll make us some tea."
He broke a cup and burned himself on the hot water before returned to the room with two steaming mugs of tea to find Sungmin gone. He set the mugs carefully down on his desk and then he was running, punching frantically at the elevator button, squeezing out before the door had fully opened on the ground floor and rushing out onto the street. It was deserted, and for a moment he just stood there, fingers tapping automatically against his thighs, before he began running again, back into the building, bounding up flights of stairs until he sprang out onto the roof.
It was autumn and the night was cold, but he stayed on the roof until his teeth began to chatter, until the giant harvest moon blurred in his vision, until the lights of Seoul lost their charm. Until he was cold enough not to feel anything anymore.
*
That night, Eunhyuk had the dream for the last time. He watched the performer in dread and tried to look away when she brought her hands to the mask, but he found his gaze was fixed, frozen. Then he gasped, not in horror but in surprise, because this time was different: instead of the mutilated mass of scars she had revealed every other time, behind the mask there was nothing at all. When Eunhyuk woke up the tears were already streaming down his face.