It Means
I wrote this because I'm hugely in love with all three main characters and I wanted Sungmin to have a happy ending. That said, it's not exactly fluff. I'll be interested to see what people think.
It Means
pairing: Sungmin/Hyukjae/Sunday (CSJH)
Sometimes Hyukjae shared his pillow with Sungmin on long bus rides. Sometimes he played with Sungmin's hand when they were waiting in the green room, intertwining their fingers in different patterns until it was time to go on stage. Sometimes he slipped into bed behind Sungmin late at night and woke him with a slow kiss; ran his hands over Sungmin's body until he was shaking; twisted his fingers in Sungmin's hair when Sungmin went down on him; fucked Sungmin so good that he saw stars when he came; collapsed sweaty onto Sungmin's back, after, breathing his name over and over into his neck, telling him he was beautiful. None of it really meant anything.
Or, at least, it meant different things to each of them. To Sungmin, it meant everything; to Hyukjae, it meant a good time with a good friend, which really wasn't anything at all. Sungmin had known this from the very beginning, had understood instinctively that he was a placeholder until the right girl came along and accepted this role without complaint. He often pictured what it would be like when the time came: would Hyukjae be upset when he told him? Apologetic? Ecstatic? Would Hyukjae tell him? For some reason, Sungmin always imagined that one night Hyukjae would simply not come to him, and then again the next night, and then a few weeks later he would finally meet the girl, running into the two of them as they left the apartment and he came home, and maybe she would smile with her gums just like Hyukjae and he would think, ah, see, they were meant for each other, and that would be that. He was surprised, then, when he got the call.
"I've got a girlfriend." Hyukjae sounded dazed, almost as if he himself didn't know what to do with such information. Sungmin was proud of himself when his response came out warm and congratulatory and excited without missing a beat, just as he had practiced. Then Hyukjae said, "It's Bora," and Sungmin struggled to keep up with the rest of the conversation, because in all his imagining and practicing The Girl had been the amazing dancer Hyukjae kept running into at the clubs, or the shy makeup artist who always laughed at his jokes, not someone Sungmin knew, someone he had trained with and grew up with, someone who had baked him cookies and said, eyes twinkling, "Congratulations, oppa!" when they debuted and had really meant it. Not her. He was so surprised that it took him a moment after he had slipped his cell phone back into his bag to realize that somewhere in the conversation he had agreed to meet the two of them that night for drinks.
***
He saw them immediately upon entering the bar. She was laughing and touching Hyukjae's arm and Hyukjae was grinning like a fool, all gums, and for just a moment Sungmin hated her more than he'd ever hated anything in his life, wanted to scream, call her names that would make even Heechul blush, hurt her. Then she noticed him, smiled and called, "Sungminnie-oppa!" Her smile was the same it had been the day she had given him the cookies, and Sungmin was horrified at what he had been thinking. He resolved to be especially nice to her for the rest of the night in penance.
Being nice to Bora, he found, was all too easy. He had forgotten how much he liked her, and before he knew it the bartender was announcing last call and he had spent almost the entire night talking and laughing just with her, had invited her to co-host his radio show while Sooyoung was away the next week, had completely forgotten why the three of them had gone out together until Hyukjae took him aside as Bora got into the taxi and said, voice low and bemused, "So I guess you approve, huh?"
Sungmin felt his smile waver and then crumble as he remembered, thought he managed to sound dismissive as he said, "You know I think she's great."
Hyukjae looked back at the taxi, conflicted, before he said, "Listen, I wanna talk to you; I'll call you tomorrow?"
"Yeah, sure," Sungmin said, and then they were gone and he was standing alone on the corner. He felt suddenly cold and retreated to the doorway of the bar as he waited for a cab he could hail.
***
The next day Hyukjae called and they planned to meet for coffee over the weekend when their schedules had calmed down; the day after that Sungmin had his first show with Bora, and the rest of the week he spent realizing why Hyukjae had fallen in love with her. There was no doubt she was beautiful-Sungmin, who normally paid little attention to women's appearances, found himself starting at her tiny hands, her long legs leading up into curvy hips, the delicate features on her heart-shaped face-but she was also wickedly funny, and at the end of every show his stomach hurt from all the laughing. He learned, too, that she shared his and Hyukjae's interest in rock and R&B (he lent her his Boyz II Men CD; she played him Japanese metal on her iPod) and that they both loved to cook (she invited him over to her place the next week for dinner and he offered to bring dessert). By the end of the week, Sungmin was totally smitten with her, almost disappointed that Sooyoung would be returning on Monday, and it was with this fresh in mind that he met Hyukjae for coffee on Saturday.
He had hoped that his enthusiasm for Bora would make things somehow easier, but sitting together in an open-air cafe Sungmin found that his fingers still felt dull without Hyukjae's playing around them, his shoulder still felt cold without Hyukjae's arm hanging over it, and he sighed.
"So you're sure you ok with this?" Hyukjae asked, nervously fiddling with his sunglasses.
"Of course I am; I think you're great, I think she's great, what's not to be ok with?" Sungmin said, and he thought he sounded convincing.
"It's just..." Hyukjae hesitated, then took off his sunglasses, leaned towards Sungmin and continued in a quieter voice, "I was thinking that if it were me, and you had found a girl first, I know I'd be happy for you, but I'd be...I dunno, I think I'd be a little lonely too..." he trailed off, his cheeks coloring slightly.
Sungmin was shocked, because it had never occurred to him that Hyukjae might not realize he wasn't looking for a girl, and touched a little by Hyukjae's concern, and entirely incapable of keeping himself from quipping, "You'd just miss the sex."
Hyukjae's jaw dropped, and then he punched Sungmin in the arm and said, laughing, "Yeah, I would."
Sungmin smirked, rubbed his arm not because it hurt but because Hyukjae had touched it, and echoed smugly, "Yeah, you would."
They laughed a few moments, then Hyukjae's face turned serious again and he said, "But really, are you sure-"
"Yes, Hyukjae, I'm sure! I'm fine! I'm happy for you!" Sungmin said, exasperated, not sure he could take more questioning without saying something he didn't want to. Then, desperate to change the subject, he latched onto the first thing that came to mind and blurted out, "So, what's, you know, it like, with her?"
Sungmin saw Hyukjae's cheeks flush bright red, felt his own do the same, wondered why he had asked that of all things, but when Hyukjae said in a hushed voice, "Really?" he nodded dumbly and Hyukjae leaned forward conspiratorially. "Well...it's great. Like, really great. I mean, you've seen her body, right? God, those legs..." Hyukjae was getting agitated, gesturing, and images began to run through Sungmin's mind: Bora's legs, Hyukjae's eyes on that sweltering summer night back in August, Hyukjae and Bora together... Suddenly he was hot; his clothes felt too tight. "...and she does this thing with her tongue...God...oh, and when she comes, she makes this noise that just kills me, it's actually a lot like-"
And then Hyukjae abruptly stopped, and the color drained out of his cheeks, and Sungmin almost choked on his drink when he realized that the end of that sentence had been a lot like the one you make. They sat in awkward silence, taking nervous sips of their drinks, until Sungmin suddenly muttered, "I can't believe they gave you that bowl cut; you look like a monkey," and started laughing, and Hyukjae punched him in the shoulder again and yelled that at least his hair wasn't pink, conveniently forgetting that Sungmin's previous coloring had originally been his idea.
***
Bora poured the coffee while Sungmin plated the cake he had brought, and then for a while they sat in companionable silence, savoring the end of what had been an exquisite meal. Sungmin felt completely relaxed from the good food and good company, almost dreamlike, and so he gave a little start when Bora set down her coffee cup definitively on her saucer, looked at him and said, "Can I ask you something?"
Sungmin set his cup down too. "Yeah, sure, go ahead."
"You're really close to Hyukjae, right?"
Her eyes were flitting nervously, and Sungmin's shoulders suddenly felt tense. "Well, yeah. He's one of my oldest friends."
Now she was fiddling with her coffee cup, staring at it determinedly. "I don't mean to pry, but I was just wondering...how close? How close are you?" And then she looked up at him and he knew that she knew. He felt the color drain out of his face, began to fiddle with his cup too, suddenly unable to return her gaze.
"Once," he said quietly, after a while, "we were close like you two are close now. But not anymore." He didn't say that once had been less than a month ago, that sometimes he could still feel Hyukjae's fingers on his lips, Hyukjae's kisses on his neck.
Suddenly her hand was clasped around his, and he looked up and found her looking at him with big, round eyes. "I'm sorry; I don't mean to make you uncomfortable. It's just that..." Her cheeks colored prettily, and then like floodgates breaking open the words came rushing out of her. "Oppa, sometimes he calls your name. During." Her face flushed brighter red and Sungmin felt like he had just been struck by lightening. "Or when he's asleep. At first I thought he was saying 'Sunday' and I thought, 'Oh, that's sweet, a little weird, but sweet,' but it's definitely you he's calling for, oppa. I don't think he realizes he's doing it, but...I'm sorry, I just had to ask."
She looked away but her hand stayed on his. Sungmin couldn't tell whether he wanted to laugh or cry; he surprised himself when did neither, instead placing his other hand over hers and squeezing. When she looked back at him, he heard himself say, "Listen, I hope this doesn't bother you. I've seen you two together, I've heard the way he talks about you, and you've got nothing to worry about."
Bora gave him a quiet smile, then pursed her lips thoughtfully. "You know, it's funny," she said after a while. "Back when we were trainees, it was you that I always had a crush on." Her smile returned, broader, and Sungmin smiled back, determined not to let on that his head was spinning. "You were always so-" Sungmin expected her to say cute, or sweet, or thoughtful, one of the words girls always used when describing him, was surprised when she said "-strong. Quietly strong. You had this fire in your eyes, and I just knew, I could tell that even if none of the other trainees made it, no one would be able to stop you. God, I thought you were so cool!"
She was grinning now, and Sungmin felt like he was drowning in revelations. Hyukjae called his name during sex, in his sleep. Bora thought he was cool, strong, had liked him. He shook his head slightly to clear it and realized that Bora's face had turned serious once again. "I guess what I want to say is," she continued, "I love Hyukjae, and I want you to know that I'm going to take good care of him. Knowing how close you've been with him just makes me love him more, makes me treasure him more, because if you-" She stopped abruptly, blushing again, then said, "I just want you to know you can trust him with me."
Sungmin was sure his brain had shut down, because if he had been thinking he probably wouldn't have given her a soft kiss on the cheek to end the conversation, and definitely wouldn't have been so calm about the thrill that ran through him when his lips grazed her skin.
***
That night, Hyukjae came to him. He felt the familiar weight slide in behind him, could smell the soju heavy on his breath and knew that Hyukjae was just drunk, just reverting to old habits, that as the sober one it was his duty to correct the mistake, but Sungmin did nothing as Hyukjae's arms slid around his waist, did nothing as Hyukjae kissed his neck, did nothing as Hyukjae turned him onto his back, laid on top of him and cupped his face tenderly in both hands. It was only three beats into the kiss, deep and sloppy and just enough to shatter him, that Sungmin finally built up the courage to push Hyukjae away.
"I love you, Sungmin. I love you so much." Hyukjae's eyes were glazed over, his mouth set in a dreamy smile, but his words were surprisingly unslurred, level, even thoughtful.
Sungmin could have killed him, could have held him and never let go, but instead he shook him once, forcefully, and said, "No, you love Bora."
His smile widened. "Yeah, I love her too."
Hyukjae bent to kiss him again and Sungmin shook him again, desperate, and hissed, "You are with Bora now. This is wrong." Hyukjae paused, looked slightly troubled. "You can't do this; you can't be here," Sungmin said, and finally a hint of understanding dawned on Hyukjae's face. He sat up, and through the drunken glaze his eyes looked sad.
"I'm sorry," he said too solemnly, and Sungmin could tell that he still didn't understand exactly what he was supposed to be sorry about, just had a vague sense that something was wrong, and then he got up and stumbled out of the room.
Sungmin lay still on his back, staring at the ceiling for the rest of the night. At six in the morning, when he was sure he wouldn't cry, he put on a hooded sweatshirt, grabbed his bag and left the apartment.
***
Sometime that evening-8:36, Sungmin learned when he pulled out his phone-as he walked through yet another nondescript neighborhood of Seoul, Sungmin called Hyukjae.
"Hello?"
"Hey, it's me."
"Sungmin...listen-"
"I've got to talk to you. Where are you right now?"
"I'm at the apartment, but-"
"Is Bora there too?"
"Yeah, but-"
"Good, both of you wait there, I'll be back in half an hour."
***
He walked in the door a little after nine and found the two of them sitting on the couch. They looked at him guiltily, and he was sure they had been talking about him, but he didn't care. He had something to say.
"I'm in love with you." They clearly hadn't been expecting this; he took perverse pleasure in the startled look that passed between them. Then Hyukjae asked, tentatively, voice disbelieving, "You're in love with me?"
"No," Sungmin said, quickly, and almost laughed at how big Hyukjae's eyes grew. "I mean, yes, but...I'm in love with both of you."
He had been wandering aimlessly all day when it came to him, suddenly clear as day, and he knew right away that he had to tell them, that if she thought he was strong he would have to be strong and just say it, consequences be damned. It had seemed like a flawless plan, a grand gesture, but now standing there in front of them it seemed monumentally stupid. Under their gaze he suddenly remembered that he had not showered since the day before, that he was wearing a hooded sweatshirt with ratty pajama bottoms and dirty sneakers, that his hair was sticking up at odd angles after being stuffed inside his hood all day long. He was sure he must look deranged, must sound even more so, and he felt ready to bolt when he saw them exchange a look and then stand up and begin walking towards him.
He nearly cried when Bora kissed him, lips tasting of strawberries and cream and just faintly of Hyukjae; he did cry when Hyukjae kissed him, felt the hot tears streaming down his cheeks as he leaned into the familiar sensation. When they pulled apart Hyukjae smiled at him and softly kissed his eyelids, and Bora gently wiped the tears off his cheeks, and then she was kissing him again. This time he kissed her back, fiercely, because he had never thought he would like kissing a girl, but when it was her, and when Hyukjae's breath was hot on his neck, Hyukjae's body pressed up behind him, he more than liked it, he was enthralled by it, intoxicated by her. As he ran his fingers through her hair and cradled her face between his hands, he felt her hands running up his torso under his shirt, and then Hyukjae was pulling the shirt over his head from behind and turning him and he was melting once again into that familiar kiss.
Now he was drunk on both of them, and there was nothing but their scents, their tastes, their touches and soft sounds, and he lost himself fully in them until they were all naked on Hyukjae's bed, Bora lying on her back below him, eyes dark and burning, Hyukjae trailing kisses down his spine behind. He hissed as he slid into her, gasped as he felt Hyukjae sliding into him, and then they began to breath in rhythm, roll their hips in rhythm, and he had never felt anything quite like it before. His arms began to shake from the intensity, he felt light-headed, and then before he knew it he and Bora were crying out together, her legs shaking, his head jerking back, and then Hyukjae gripped his hips tighter, shuddered, and then they collapsed in a heap, breathing ragged.
It was a while before they disentangled themselves, even longer until Sungmin could finally hold it in no longer and blurted out, "What does this mean?"
It was Hyukjae who answered first. "It means I missed you." Sungmin felt Hyukjae's hot breath on his ear as he whispered, "I missed you so much. And not just the sex." Sungmin laughed, made to punch Hyukjae's shoulder, but Hyukjae caught his fist and soon he was intertwining their fingers together, one pattern following another following another.
When he looked over at Bora she was beaming, and he didn't think he had ever seen anyone look so beautiful. "It means we're in love with you, too." The easy way she said it made Sungmin realize that this was what they had been talking about before he arrived, and his mind reeled with the thought. They were in love with him too. He was pretty sure they were in a mess, a big mess, that disentangling this would be much more difficult than disentangling their bodies, but for the moment that didn't seem to matter. As Bora pillowed her head on his chest and Hyukjae placed a kiss on his forehead, he smiled and savored the thought that no matter what happened later, this moment meant something, something very big indeed.
It Means
pairing: Sungmin/Hyukjae/Sunday (CSJH)
Sometimes Hyukjae shared his pillow with Sungmin on long bus rides. Sometimes he played with Sungmin's hand when they were waiting in the green room, intertwining their fingers in different patterns until it was time to go on stage. Sometimes he slipped into bed behind Sungmin late at night and woke him with a slow kiss; ran his hands over Sungmin's body until he was shaking; twisted his fingers in Sungmin's hair when Sungmin went down on him; fucked Sungmin so good that he saw stars when he came; collapsed sweaty onto Sungmin's back, after, breathing his name over and over into his neck, telling him he was beautiful. None of it really meant anything.
Or, at least, it meant different things to each of them. To Sungmin, it meant everything; to Hyukjae, it meant a good time with a good friend, which really wasn't anything at all. Sungmin had known this from the very beginning, had understood instinctively that he was a placeholder until the right girl came along and accepted this role without complaint. He often pictured what it would be like when the time came: would Hyukjae be upset when he told him? Apologetic? Ecstatic? Would Hyukjae tell him? For some reason, Sungmin always imagined that one night Hyukjae would simply not come to him, and then again the next night, and then a few weeks later he would finally meet the girl, running into the two of them as they left the apartment and he came home, and maybe she would smile with her gums just like Hyukjae and he would think, ah, see, they were meant for each other, and that would be that. He was surprised, then, when he got the call.
"I've got a girlfriend." Hyukjae sounded dazed, almost as if he himself didn't know what to do with such information. Sungmin was proud of himself when his response came out warm and congratulatory and excited without missing a beat, just as he had practiced. Then Hyukjae said, "It's Bora," and Sungmin struggled to keep up with the rest of the conversation, because in all his imagining and practicing The Girl had been the amazing dancer Hyukjae kept running into at the clubs, or the shy makeup artist who always laughed at his jokes, not someone Sungmin knew, someone he had trained with and grew up with, someone who had baked him cookies and said, eyes twinkling, "Congratulations, oppa!" when they debuted and had really meant it. Not her. He was so surprised that it took him a moment after he had slipped his cell phone back into his bag to realize that somewhere in the conversation he had agreed to meet the two of them that night for drinks.
***
He saw them immediately upon entering the bar. She was laughing and touching Hyukjae's arm and Hyukjae was grinning like a fool, all gums, and for just a moment Sungmin hated her more than he'd ever hated anything in his life, wanted to scream, call her names that would make even Heechul blush, hurt her. Then she noticed him, smiled and called, "Sungminnie-oppa!" Her smile was the same it had been the day she had given him the cookies, and Sungmin was horrified at what he had been thinking. He resolved to be especially nice to her for the rest of the night in penance.
Being nice to Bora, he found, was all too easy. He had forgotten how much he liked her, and before he knew it the bartender was announcing last call and he had spent almost the entire night talking and laughing just with her, had invited her to co-host his radio show while Sooyoung was away the next week, had completely forgotten why the three of them had gone out together until Hyukjae took him aside as Bora got into the taxi and said, voice low and bemused, "So I guess you approve, huh?"
Sungmin felt his smile waver and then crumble as he remembered, thought he managed to sound dismissive as he said, "You know I think she's great."
Hyukjae looked back at the taxi, conflicted, before he said, "Listen, I wanna talk to you; I'll call you tomorrow?"
"Yeah, sure," Sungmin said, and then they were gone and he was standing alone on the corner. He felt suddenly cold and retreated to the doorway of the bar as he waited for a cab he could hail.
***
The next day Hyukjae called and they planned to meet for coffee over the weekend when their schedules had calmed down; the day after that Sungmin had his first show with Bora, and the rest of the week he spent realizing why Hyukjae had fallen in love with her. There was no doubt she was beautiful-Sungmin, who normally paid little attention to women's appearances, found himself starting at her tiny hands, her long legs leading up into curvy hips, the delicate features on her heart-shaped face-but she was also wickedly funny, and at the end of every show his stomach hurt from all the laughing. He learned, too, that she shared his and Hyukjae's interest in rock and R&B (he lent her his Boyz II Men CD; she played him Japanese metal on her iPod) and that they both loved to cook (she invited him over to her place the next week for dinner and he offered to bring dessert). By the end of the week, Sungmin was totally smitten with her, almost disappointed that Sooyoung would be returning on Monday, and it was with this fresh in mind that he met Hyukjae for coffee on Saturday.
He had hoped that his enthusiasm for Bora would make things somehow easier, but sitting together in an open-air cafe Sungmin found that his fingers still felt dull without Hyukjae's playing around them, his shoulder still felt cold without Hyukjae's arm hanging over it, and he sighed.
"So you're sure you ok with this?" Hyukjae asked, nervously fiddling with his sunglasses.
"Of course I am; I think you're great, I think she's great, what's not to be ok with?" Sungmin said, and he thought he sounded convincing.
"It's just..." Hyukjae hesitated, then took off his sunglasses, leaned towards Sungmin and continued in a quieter voice, "I was thinking that if it were me, and you had found a girl first, I know I'd be happy for you, but I'd be...I dunno, I think I'd be a little lonely too..." he trailed off, his cheeks coloring slightly.
Sungmin was shocked, because it had never occurred to him that Hyukjae might not realize he wasn't looking for a girl, and touched a little by Hyukjae's concern, and entirely incapable of keeping himself from quipping, "You'd just miss the sex."
Hyukjae's jaw dropped, and then he punched Sungmin in the arm and said, laughing, "Yeah, I would."
Sungmin smirked, rubbed his arm not because it hurt but because Hyukjae had touched it, and echoed smugly, "Yeah, you would."
They laughed a few moments, then Hyukjae's face turned serious again and he said, "But really, are you sure-"
"Yes, Hyukjae, I'm sure! I'm fine! I'm happy for you!" Sungmin said, exasperated, not sure he could take more questioning without saying something he didn't want to. Then, desperate to change the subject, he latched onto the first thing that came to mind and blurted out, "So, what's, you know, it like, with her?"
Sungmin saw Hyukjae's cheeks flush bright red, felt his own do the same, wondered why he had asked that of all things, but when Hyukjae said in a hushed voice, "Really?" he nodded dumbly and Hyukjae leaned forward conspiratorially. "Well...it's great. Like, really great. I mean, you've seen her body, right? God, those legs..." Hyukjae was getting agitated, gesturing, and images began to run through Sungmin's mind: Bora's legs, Hyukjae's eyes on that sweltering summer night back in August, Hyukjae and Bora together... Suddenly he was hot; his clothes felt too tight. "...and she does this thing with her tongue...God...oh, and when she comes, she makes this noise that just kills me, it's actually a lot like-"
And then Hyukjae abruptly stopped, and the color drained out of his cheeks, and Sungmin almost choked on his drink when he realized that the end of that sentence had been a lot like the one you make. They sat in awkward silence, taking nervous sips of their drinks, until Sungmin suddenly muttered, "I can't believe they gave you that bowl cut; you look like a monkey," and started laughing, and Hyukjae punched him in the shoulder again and yelled that at least his hair wasn't pink, conveniently forgetting that Sungmin's previous coloring had originally been his idea.
***
Bora poured the coffee while Sungmin plated the cake he had brought, and then for a while they sat in companionable silence, savoring the end of what had been an exquisite meal. Sungmin felt completely relaxed from the good food and good company, almost dreamlike, and so he gave a little start when Bora set down her coffee cup definitively on her saucer, looked at him and said, "Can I ask you something?"
Sungmin set his cup down too. "Yeah, sure, go ahead."
"You're really close to Hyukjae, right?"
Her eyes were flitting nervously, and Sungmin's shoulders suddenly felt tense. "Well, yeah. He's one of my oldest friends."
Now she was fiddling with her coffee cup, staring at it determinedly. "I don't mean to pry, but I was just wondering...how close? How close are you?" And then she looked up at him and he knew that she knew. He felt the color drain out of his face, began to fiddle with his cup too, suddenly unable to return her gaze.
"Once," he said quietly, after a while, "we were close like you two are close now. But not anymore." He didn't say that once had been less than a month ago, that sometimes he could still feel Hyukjae's fingers on his lips, Hyukjae's kisses on his neck.
Suddenly her hand was clasped around his, and he looked up and found her looking at him with big, round eyes. "I'm sorry; I don't mean to make you uncomfortable. It's just that..." Her cheeks colored prettily, and then like floodgates breaking open the words came rushing out of her. "Oppa, sometimes he calls your name. During." Her face flushed brighter red and Sungmin felt like he had just been struck by lightening. "Or when he's asleep. At first I thought he was saying 'Sunday' and I thought, 'Oh, that's sweet, a little weird, but sweet,' but it's definitely you he's calling for, oppa. I don't think he realizes he's doing it, but...I'm sorry, I just had to ask."
She looked away but her hand stayed on his. Sungmin couldn't tell whether he wanted to laugh or cry; he surprised himself when did neither, instead placing his other hand over hers and squeezing. When she looked back at him, he heard himself say, "Listen, I hope this doesn't bother you. I've seen you two together, I've heard the way he talks about you, and you've got nothing to worry about."
Bora gave him a quiet smile, then pursed her lips thoughtfully. "You know, it's funny," she said after a while. "Back when we were trainees, it was you that I always had a crush on." Her smile returned, broader, and Sungmin smiled back, determined not to let on that his head was spinning. "You were always so-" Sungmin expected her to say cute, or sweet, or thoughtful, one of the words girls always used when describing him, was surprised when she said "-strong. Quietly strong. You had this fire in your eyes, and I just knew, I could tell that even if none of the other trainees made it, no one would be able to stop you. God, I thought you were so cool!"
She was grinning now, and Sungmin felt like he was drowning in revelations. Hyukjae called his name during sex, in his sleep. Bora thought he was cool, strong, had liked him. He shook his head slightly to clear it and realized that Bora's face had turned serious once again. "I guess what I want to say is," she continued, "I love Hyukjae, and I want you to know that I'm going to take good care of him. Knowing how close you've been with him just makes me love him more, makes me treasure him more, because if you-" She stopped abruptly, blushing again, then said, "I just want you to know you can trust him with me."
Sungmin was sure his brain had shut down, because if he had been thinking he probably wouldn't have given her a soft kiss on the cheek to end the conversation, and definitely wouldn't have been so calm about the thrill that ran through him when his lips grazed her skin.
***
That night, Hyukjae came to him. He felt the familiar weight slide in behind him, could smell the soju heavy on his breath and knew that Hyukjae was just drunk, just reverting to old habits, that as the sober one it was his duty to correct the mistake, but Sungmin did nothing as Hyukjae's arms slid around his waist, did nothing as Hyukjae kissed his neck, did nothing as Hyukjae turned him onto his back, laid on top of him and cupped his face tenderly in both hands. It was only three beats into the kiss, deep and sloppy and just enough to shatter him, that Sungmin finally built up the courage to push Hyukjae away.
"I love you, Sungmin. I love you so much." Hyukjae's eyes were glazed over, his mouth set in a dreamy smile, but his words were surprisingly unslurred, level, even thoughtful.
Sungmin could have killed him, could have held him and never let go, but instead he shook him once, forcefully, and said, "No, you love Bora."
His smile widened. "Yeah, I love her too."
Hyukjae bent to kiss him again and Sungmin shook him again, desperate, and hissed, "You are with Bora now. This is wrong." Hyukjae paused, looked slightly troubled. "You can't do this; you can't be here," Sungmin said, and finally a hint of understanding dawned on Hyukjae's face. He sat up, and through the drunken glaze his eyes looked sad.
"I'm sorry," he said too solemnly, and Sungmin could tell that he still didn't understand exactly what he was supposed to be sorry about, just had a vague sense that something was wrong, and then he got up and stumbled out of the room.
Sungmin lay still on his back, staring at the ceiling for the rest of the night. At six in the morning, when he was sure he wouldn't cry, he put on a hooded sweatshirt, grabbed his bag and left the apartment.
***
Sometime that evening-8:36, Sungmin learned when he pulled out his phone-as he walked through yet another nondescript neighborhood of Seoul, Sungmin called Hyukjae.
"Hello?"
"Hey, it's me."
"Sungmin...listen-"
"I've got to talk to you. Where are you right now?"
"I'm at the apartment, but-"
"Is Bora there too?"
"Yeah, but-"
"Good, both of you wait there, I'll be back in half an hour."
***
He walked in the door a little after nine and found the two of them sitting on the couch. They looked at him guiltily, and he was sure they had been talking about him, but he didn't care. He had something to say.
"I'm in love with you." They clearly hadn't been expecting this; he took perverse pleasure in the startled look that passed between them. Then Hyukjae asked, tentatively, voice disbelieving, "You're in love with me?"
"No," Sungmin said, quickly, and almost laughed at how big Hyukjae's eyes grew. "I mean, yes, but...I'm in love with both of you."
He had been wandering aimlessly all day when it came to him, suddenly clear as day, and he knew right away that he had to tell them, that if she thought he was strong he would have to be strong and just say it, consequences be damned. It had seemed like a flawless plan, a grand gesture, but now standing there in front of them it seemed monumentally stupid. Under their gaze he suddenly remembered that he had not showered since the day before, that he was wearing a hooded sweatshirt with ratty pajama bottoms and dirty sneakers, that his hair was sticking up at odd angles after being stuffed inside his hood all day long. He was sure he must look deranged, must sound even more so, and he felt ready to bolt when he saw them exchange a look and then stand up and begin walking towards him.
He nearly cried when Bora kissed him, lips tasting of strawberries and cream and just faintly of Hyukjae; he did cry when Hyukjae kissed him, felt the hot tears streaming down his cheeks as he leaned into the familiar sensation. When they pulled apart Hyukjae smiled at him and softly kissed his eyelids, and Bora gently wiped the tears off his cheeks, and then she was kissing him again. This time he kissed her back, fiercely, because he had never thought he would like kissing a girl, but when it was her, and when Hyukjae's breath was hot on his neck, Hyukjae's body pressed up behind him, he more than liked it, he was enthralled by it, intoxicated by her. As he ran his fingers through her hair and cradled her face between his hands, he felt her hands running up his torso under his shirt, and then Hyukjae was pulling the shirt over his head from behind and turning him and he was melting once again into that familiar kiss.
Now he was drunk on both of them, and there was nothing but their scents, their tastes, their touches and soft sounds, and he lost himself fully in them until they were all naked on Hyukjae's bed, Bora lying on her back below him, eyes dark and burning, Hyukjae trailing kisses down his spine behind. He hissed as he slid into her, gasped as he felt Hyukjae sliding into him, and then they began to breath in rhythm, roll their hips in rhythm, and he had never felt anything quite like it before. His arms began to shake from the intensity, he felt light-headed, and then before he knew it he and Bora were crying out together, her legs shaking, his head jerking back, and then Hyukjae gripped his hips tighter, shuddered, and then they collapsed in a heap, breathing ragged.
It was a while before they disentangled themselves, even longer until Sungmin could finally hold it in no longer and blurted out, "What does this mean?"
It was Hyukjae who answered first. "It means I missed you." Sungmin felt Hyukjae's hot breath on his ear as he whispered, "I missed you so much. And not just the sex." Sungmin laughed, made to punch Hyukjae's shoulder, but Hyukjae caught his fist and soon he was intertwining their fingers together, one pattern following another following another.
When he looked over at Bora she was beaming, and he didn't think he had ever seen anyone look so beautiful. "It means we're in love with you, too." The easy way she said it made Sungmin realize that this was what they had been talking about before he arrived, and his mind reeled with the thought. They were in love with him too. He was pretty sure they were in a mess, a big mess, that disentangling this would be much more difficult than disentangling their bodies, but for the moment that didn't seem to matter. As Bora pillowed her head on his chest and Hyukjae placed a kiss on his forehead, he smiled and savored the thought that no matter what happened later, this moment meant something, something very big indeed.