Good Boy
Apparently, this is what happens when I a.) see Siwon and Kibum together on 야심만만, b.) read an excellent DBSK fic set in a traditional Japanese inn and c.) am reminded of one of my favorite poems. Um...it's sexier than that makes it sound. Or at least I think so.
Good Boy
pairing: Kibum/Siwon
Siwon is a good boy. He is kind to others, mild-mannered but not offensively boring, a respectful dongsaeng and an admirable hyung. He is always early, always the hardest worker and never complains. He doesn't swear or cheat or lie. He doesn't smoke, doesn't drink, doesn't pick up starstruck fans and fuck them in the VIP room or the back of the limo like some of the others. He says his prayers every night.
Siwon is a good boy, and he is worried that Kibum sees through it.
***
The club is dark and smoky, but above all it is loud. Siwon thinks he sees Shindong's lips moving through the black-lit haze but can hear nothing over the little earthquakes of each bass beat. He leans in closer to Shindong, feels a little light-headed as the smell of alcohol overpowers the stench of cigarettes and sweat, and yells, "What?"
"Stop being such a cock block!" Shindong's breath is hot and lazy on his ears and Siwon smiles. He is doing Shindong a favor; five hours before, when Shindong's face was blotchy and tear-stained and his heart had just been broken-cruelly, over voicemail-he had said loudly to no one in particular that he was under no circumstances to be allowed to drunkenly hook up at the club. Siwon had made a mental note and had been dancing with Shindong all night long. Now, he throws his arms over Shindong's neck and licks his lips obscenely, grins when he gets the belly laugh he was looking for. He doesn't think Shindong notices when he tells yet another girl no, but thank you with a swift flash of his eyes.
On his left, he sees Donghae's liquid hips rolling, sandwiched between two girls wearing too much make up and not enough clothing, and knows that Donghae will take them both home and come to breakfast tomorrow morning with purple marks on his neck and a gigantic grin on his face. To his right, Sungmin is slowly grinding against Hankyung, his eyes drunkenly glazed and fixed adoringly on the taller boy's. Siwon can tell by the fondness in his eyes and his secretive smile that Hankyung will finally take Sungmin home tonight and fuck him, though he doesn't think Hankyung knows it yet. When the strobe light flashes just right Siwon can see Eeteuk and Kangin at a table in the corner. He can tell by the look on Kangin's face where Eeteuk's hands are, isn't surprised that the next time he looks their way Eeteuk has disappeared except for a bobbing ponytail and Kangin's head is rolled back.
Siwon knows that they brought one more with them, is about to look around when he feels a cool hand on his arm and turns to see Kibum. He's wearing a tight sleeveless shirt, baggy raver pants, a sweatband over his left bicep. His hair is tousled, wild-looking, and his eyes glow strangely purple in the black light. Before Siwon knows it, Kibum has slid deftly in between him and Shindong and is grinding on him, hard. Kibum has never been a good stage dancer, doesn't have the subtlety or finesse to make it out of the back row, but at the club he is a natural phenomenon, powerful and unpredictable. Siwon feels his hips begin to respond unconsciously to Kibum's, blushes as the gyration sends heat through his body in waves. He almost mistakes the rumble in his ears for the pounding bass when Kibum says, "You see that girl over there?"
He follows Kibum's gaze and almost gasps when he sees a beautiful girl, tall and curvy and sultry, looking back at him under hooded eyes. He manages to get out a smile in her direction, then looks back at Kibum, eyebrows raised. Kibum laughs, a quick flash of too-white canines, then grabs his hips and grinds closer, and Siwon realizes that he's become part of Kibum's show for the girl.
There is another bass rumble in his ear when Kibum says, "I'm going to fuck her." Siwon rolls his eyes, and he can hear the smile in Kibum's voice when he continues: "Thing is, she says she came here tonight for you. I told her I might be able to arrange something."
Siwon frowns, then brings his mouth close to Kibum's ear and says, "Sure, I can go over and say hi if you want."
Kibum shakes his head, and then the deep voice is in his ear again. "No, I told her I might be able to get you to come with us and fuck her too."
For a second Siwon is sure that he has misheard, but Kibum is smiling again, sharp teeth almost predatory, and Siwon feels his cheeks flush but manages to sound severe when he says, "You know I don't-"
"Fuck club girls?" Siwon can't hear Kibum, but he can read lips, and his eyes narrow.
"You know that's not how I am," Siwon says, icy, rebuking, and Kibum raises his eyebrows.
"I guess not," Kibum says thoughtfully, then the wicked smile is back as Kibum grinds rough against him, and Siwon feels a little sick when he realizes that Kibum can feel how painfully hard he is. "But I think you want to be."
The color drains out of Siwon's face, and Kibum shrugs, then breathes into Siwon's ear, "It's alright; she'll be disappointed, but I'll make up for it somehow," and flicks his tongue obscenely between his fingers. He smiles again as he disappears into the crowd, teeth gleaming, and Siwon thinks that he's never seen anything so white look so dirty.
***
That night, after he's showered and said his prayers and spent an hour tossing and turning in bed, Siwon sighs as he feels his hand slide down his chest beneath the sheets, begin stroking in time to the images he conjures in the dark.
The girl. Kibum. Her hand on his bicep, thumb slipping below the sweatband...his finger running over her bottom lip...her head tilted back as his teeth graze her neck...his shirt over his head...her bra on the floor...her hands fumbling with his belt buckle...his lips closing around her nipple-
The strokes get quicker; his breathing is ragged, irregular.
-her fingers twisting in his hair as his tongue runs between her breasts and then lower, lower...his hands on her inner thighs...her back arching...then...the bounce of her breasts...the roll of his hips...soft, rhythmic panting-hers? Siwon's?-and Kibum's smile, white, so white-
Some things are easier to clean off than others; the sense of anxiety stays hot and sticky on his chest, even after the tissues and the second shower.
***
It's difficult for Siwon to look at Kibum after that night, not because he is embarrassed, though there is that, but because he is scared. Something about the way Kibum returns his gaze, eyes alight, smirking, makes him feel utterly transparent, as though Kibum can see things inside him that even he doesn't know are there. He feels uneasy, wants to keep whatever Kibum is seeing hidden in the darkness, and his unease turns into quiet panic when Kibum touches him, something that seems to be happening more and more often. Kibum is pressed too close against his back at the photoshoot, and Siwon almost bolts when he feels arms casually wrap around his waist and fingers slide innocently, ever-so-slightly down the front of his jeans. Kibum's hand rests too far up on his thigh when he dozes against Siwon's side on the bus, and his lips are too close to Siwon's neck. Kibum lingers too long as he squeezes by him in the cramped hallway backstage, and Siwon's chest and legs and arms burn where Kibum's body has pressed against him, his eyes burn in the shape of Kibum's blinding smile.
Siwon thinks that he'll be ok as long as he is never alone with Kibum, and he succeeds in avoiding him outside of work until they're all together in Japan for a concert, staying in adjoining rooms at a traditional inn. It is nighttime, and the rest of the members are out at a club, lured by the promise of easy Japanese girls and fey Japanese boys. Siwon is alone in one of the rooms, soft cotton yukata wrapped snugly around him, reading Rilke by soft lamplight at the low center table when he hears the quiet slide of a shoji door. Before he knows it, Kibum has dragged him to his feet and they are walking through the dark halls, footfalls quiet on the tatami mats, as Kibum tells him, "We're going to the baths."
"I thought you went out with the others," Siwon says faintly, because it's the only thing that comes to mind. Kibum smiles back at him in the darkness, hand still clasped around his wrist.
"No, I stayed here. I've heard the baths at this inn are excellent, really relaxing," he says, and then they are in the brightly-lit changing room and Kibum lets go of his hand and shucks his yukata. Siwon keeps his gaze determinedly averted as Kibum, completely naked, walks into the bathing grotto and slips into the pool. He lingers in the dressing room, taking extra time to fold his yukata just so, then picks up a washcloth with shaking hands and, holding it in front of him, walks into the bathing area.
He hesitates at the edge of the bath. The grotto is lush, green, fragrant, steeped in otherworldly beauty, and the moonlight reflecting off the water onto Kibum's face makes him look porcelain and ethereal. Siwon suddenly remembers a line from the poem he had been reading before Kibum dragged him here-For beauty is nothing but the beginning of terror-and is frozen, unable to shake the feeling that if he enters the pool Kibum will devour him whole.
Then Kibum smiles a smile Siwon hasn't seen in a while, comfortable, reassuring, and says with a laugh, "What are you waiting for? It's amazing!" and Siwon is able to make his feet move and steps down into the bath. It is scalding hot, but he enters quickly and sits down, and soon it feels exquisite. The tension soaks out of his muscles and he closes his eyes and leans his head back against the stone edge in satisfaction. He realizes that he has been acting ridiculously, almost laughs at the idea of being scared of Kibum, then hears the rumble in his ears: "It feels good, doesn't it?"
Kibum is sitting next to him, close enough that their thighs are nearly touching, with his head leaned back and eyes closed in a mirror of Siwon's position. Siwon forces himself not to tense up, to lean back again, to say, "Yeah, it does," and then they sit in silence for a while.
When Siwon has managed to relax again, Kibum says, "Remember that girl?"
Siwon shivers despite the heat of the water, says, "No, what girl?"
"That girl that wanted to fuck both of us."
Kibum doesn't open his eyes, doesn't move anything but his lips, and Siwon forces himself to close his eyes again too. "Oh, yeah."
"I want to tell you about her. I took her home and fucked her-"
"Kibum," Siwon says softly, pleadingly, but Kibum goes on as if he hasn't heard.
"-I had her bent over this chair, fucking her, and she was moaning like crazy and calling out my name. I could tell she was gonna come soon because her legs were shaking, like this-"
And then Kibum's hand is on his thigh, shaking it gently back and forth, and Siwon says his name even more softly, but Kibum goes on, eyes still closed, voice even.
"-She was getting close, and then she grabbed my hand and started sucking on my fingers, and that brought me over the edge. I shot all over her back, and then she came, and she was moaning something around my fingers." There is a slight pause. "Do you know what it was?"
Siwon can feel nothing but the rumble of Kibum's voice and the searing heat of Kibum's hand on his thigh. He shakes his head, unable to form words, and though Kibum still has his eyes closed he smiles and continues.
"She was moaning your name. I think she was pretending she was sucking on your-"
And suddenly Siwon finds his voice and cries, "Kibum, stop!" He's not sure if it's the anguish in his voice or the now-uncontrollable trembling of his thigh, but Kibum finally opens his eyes and smiles at him. Then he gets out of the bath and stands at the edge, staring intensely at Siwon's reddened face as if looking for something. Siwon stares back at him, eyes running over his naked body. Kibum is covered everywhere with droplets of water that glisten like tears in the moonlight, and Siwon thinks of the poem again: Every angel is terrifying.
Finally Kibum says, "I'm going back to my room. Goodnight," and disappears into the inn.
***
When Siwon returns to his room, he takes the delicate ceramic container of sake from the table, fills one of the tiny ceramic cups, then downs it in one gulp. He pours another, and another, and another, and soon the sake is gone and he is stumbling across the tatami to the door to the adjoining room. At first he can see nothing when he throws it open; then, his eyes begin to adjust to the darkness and he can make out Kibum leaning against the window frame, gazing out into the moonlit garden. When Kibum turns towards him, Siwon sees that his yukata is only loosely fastened and his chest is fully exposed. Siwon's head spins as he says, more loudly than he intended, "What are you doing to me?"
Kibum is silent for a moment, then says, with a shrug of his shoulders, "I see through your act. I'm helping you see through it, too."
Something breaks in Siwon-a small part of him is sure he can hear the brittle snap-and then he is grabbing Kibum by the yukata, throwing him down onto a futon, ripping the cotton robe from him and groping his arms, his ass, running his hands greedily over his warm skin. His tongue pushes hungrily into Kibum's mouth, and Kibum is returning the kiss, hard, and sliding the yukata off his back, and then they are naked and writhing against each other, skin to skin. Then, just as suddenly as he had started, Siwon suddenly freezes. He has thought of something.
"You didn't fuck that girl at all, did you?" he asks, breathless atop of Kibum.
Kibum smiles, and his teeth shine shockingly bright in the dark. "Does it matter?"
He considers, then shakes his head, and Kibum grabs his neck and pulls him back down. Siwon can still hear the smile when Kibum purrs, just before their lips meet, "Good boy."
---
The poem that Siwon is reading is the First Elegy of Rainer Maria Rilke's Duino Elegies.
Good Boy
pairing: Kibum/Siwon
Siwon is a good boy. He is kind to others, mild-mannered but not offensively boring, a respectful dongsaeng and an admirable hyung. He is always early, always the hardest worker and never complains. He doesn't swear or cheat or lie. He doesn't smoke, doesn't drink, doesn't pick up starstruck fans and fuck them in the VIP room or the back of the limo like some of the others. He says his prayers every night.
Siwon is a good boy, and he is worried that Kibum sees through it.
***
The club is dark and smoky, but above all it is loud. Siwon thinks he sees Shindong's lips moving through the black-lit haze but can hear nothing over the little earthquakes of each bass beat. He leans in closer to Shindong, feels a little light-headed as the smell of alcohol overpowers the stench of cigarettes and sweat, and yells, "What?"
"Stop being such a cock block!" Shindong's breath is hot and lazy on his ears and Siwon smiles. He is doing Shindong a favor; five hours before, when Shindong's face was blotchy and tear-stained and his heart had just been broken-cruelly, over voicemail-he had said loudly to no one in particular that he was under no circumstances to be allowed to drunkenly hook up at the club. Siwon had made a mental note and had been dancing with Shindong all night long. Now, he throws his arms over Shindong's neck and licks his lips obscenely, grins when he gets the belly laugh he was looking for. He doesn't think Shindong notices when he tells yet another girl no, but thank you with a swift flash of his eyes.
On his left, he sees Donghae's liquid hips rolling, sandwiched between two girls wearing too much make up and not enough clothing, and knows that Donghae will take them both home and come to breakfast tomorrow morning with purple marks on his neck and a gigantic grin on his face. To his right, Sungmin is slowly grinding against Hankyung, his eyes drunkenly glazed and fixed adoringly on the taller boy's. Siwon can tell by the fondness in his eyes and his secretive smile that Hankyung will finally take Sungmin home tonight and fuck him, though he doesn't think Hankyung knows it yet. When the strobe light flashes just right Siwon can see Eeteuk and Kangin at a table in the corner. He can tell by the look on Kangin's face where Eeteuk's hands are, isn't surprised that the next time he looks their way Eeteuk has disappeared except for a bobbing ponytail and Kangin's head is rolled back.
Siwon knows that they brought one more with them, is about to look around when he feels a cool hand on his arm and turns to see Kibum. He's wearing a tight sleeveless shirt, baggy raver pants, a sweatband over his left bicep. His hair is tousled, wild-looking, and his eyes glow strangely purple in the black light. Before Siwon knows it, Kibum has slid deftly in between him and Shindong and is grinding on him, hard. Kibum has never been a good stage dancer, doesn't have the subtlety or finesse to make it out of the back row, but at the club he is a natural phenomenon, powerful and unpredictable. Siwon feels his hips begin to respond unconsciously to Kibum's, blushes as the gyration sends heat through his body in waves. He almost mistakes the rumble in his ears for the pounding bass when Kibum says, "You see that girl over there?"
He follows Kibum's gaze and almost gasps when he sees a beautiful girl, tall and curvy and sultry, looking back at him under hooded eyes. He manages to get out a smile in her direction, then looks back at Kibum, eyebrows raised. Kibum laughs, a quick flash of too-white canines, then grabs his hips and grinds closer, and Siwon realizes that he's become part of Kibum's show for the girl.
There is another bass rumble in his ear when Kibum says, "I'm going to fuck her." Siwon rolls his eyes, and he can hear the smile in Kibum's voice when he continues: "Thing is, she says she came here tonight for you. I told her I might be able to arrange something."
Siwon frowns, then brings his mouth close to Kibum's ear and says, "Sure, I can go over and say hi if you want."
Kibum shakes his head, and then the deep voice is in his ear again. "No, I told her I might be able to get you to come with us and fuck her too."
For a second Siwon is sure that he has misheard, but Kibum is smiling again, sharp teeth almost predatory, and Siwon feels his cheeks flush but manages to sound severe when he says, "You know I don't-"
"Fuck club girls?" Siwon can't hear Kibum, but he can read lips, and his eyes narrow.
"You know that's not how I am," Siwon says, icy, rebuking, and Kibum raises his eyebrows.
"I guess not," Kibum says thoughtfully, then the wicked smile is back as Kibum grinds rough against him, and Siwon feels a little sick when he realizes that Kibum can feel how painfully hard he is. "But I think you want to be."
The color drains out of Siwon's face, and Kibum shrugs, then breathes into Siwon's ear, "It's alright; she'll be disappointed, but I'll make up for it somehow," and flicks his tongue obscenely between his fingers. He smiles again as he disappears into the crowd, teeth gleaming, and Siwon thinks that he's never seen anything so white look so dirty.
***
That night, after he's showered and said his prayers and spent an hour tossing and turning in bed, Siwon sighs as he feels his hand slide down his chest beneath the sheets, begin stroking in time to the images he conjures in the dark.
The girl. Kibum. Her hand on his bicep, thumb slipping below the sweatband...his finger running over her bottom lip...her head tilted back as his teeth graze her neck...his shirt over his head...her bra on the floor...her hands fumbling with his belt buckle...his lips closing around her nipple-
The strokes get quicker; his breathing is ragged, irregular.
-her fingers twisting in his hair as his tongue runs between her breasts and then lower, lower...his hands on her inner thighs...her back arching...then...the bounce of her breasts...the roll of his hips...soft, rhythmic panting-hers? Siwon's?-and Kibum's smile, white, so white-
Some things are easier to clean off than others; the sense of anxiety stays hot and sticky on his chest, even after the tissues and the second shower.
***
It's difficult for Siwon to look at Kibum after that night, not because he is embarrassed, though there is that, but because he is scared. Something about the way Kibum returns his gaze, eyes alight, smirking, makes him feel utterly transparent, as though Kibum can see things inside him that even he doesn't know are there. He feels uneasy, wants to keep whatever Kibum is seeing hidden in the darkness, and his unease turns into quiet panic when Kibum touches him, something that seems to be happening more and more often. Kibum is pressed too close against his back at the photoshoot, and Siwon almost bolts when he feels arms casually wrap around his waist and fingers slide innocently, ever-so-slightly down the front of his jeans. Kibum's hand rests too far up on his thigh when he dozes against Siwon's side on the bus, and his lips are too close to Siwon's neck. Kibum lingers too long as he squeezes by him in the cramped hallway backstage, and Siwon's chest and legs and arms burn where Kibum's body has pressed against him, his eyes burn in the shape of Kibum's blinding smile.
Siwon thinks that he'll be ok as long as he is never alone with Kibum, and he succeeds in avoiding him outside of work until they're all together in Japan for a concert, staying in adjoining rooms at a traditional inn. It is nighttime, and the rest of the members are out at a club, lured by the promise of easy Japanese girls and fey Japanese boys. Siwon is alone in one of the rooms, soft cotton yukata wrapped snugly around him, reading Rilke by soft lamplight at the low center table when he hears the quiet slide of a shoji door. Before he knows it, Kibum has dragged him to his feet and they are walking through the dark halls, footfalls quiet on the tatami mats, as Kibum tells him, "We're going to the baths."
"I thought you went out with the others," Siwon says faintly, because it's the only thing that comes to mind. Kibum smiles back at him in the darkness, hand still clasped around his wrist.
"No, I stayed here. I've heard the baths at this inn are excellent, really relaxing," he says, and then they are in the brightly-lit changing room and Kibum lets go of his hand and shucks his yukata. Siwon keeps his gaze determinedly averted as Kibum, completely naked, walks into the bathing grotto and slips into the pool. He lingers in the dressing room, taking extra time to fold his yukata just so, then picks up a washcloth with shaking hands and, holding it in front of him, walks into the bathing area.
He hesitates at the edge of the bath. The grotto is lush, green, fragrant, steeped in otherworldly beauty, and the moonlight reflecting off the water onto Kibum's face makes him look porcelain and ethereal. Siwon suddenly remembers a line from the poem he had been reading before Kibum dragged him here-For beauty is nothing but the beginning of terror-and is frozen, unable to shake the feeling that if he enters the pool Kibum will devour him whole.
Then Kibum smiles a smile Siwon hasn't seen in a while, comfortable, reassuring, and says with a laugh, "What are you waiting for? It's amazing!" and Siwon is able to make his feet move and steps down into the bath. It is scalding hot, but he enters quickly and sits down, and soon it feels exquisite. The tension soaks out of his muscles and he closes his eyes and leans his head back against the stone edge in satisfaction. He realizes that he has been acting ridiculously, almost laughs at the idea of being scared of Kibum, then hears the rumble in his ears: "It feels good, doesn't it?"
Kibum is sitting next to him, close enough that their thighs are nearly touching, with his head leaned back and eyes closed in a mirror of Siwon's position. Siwon forces himself not to tense up, to lean back again, to say, "Yeah, it does," and then they sit in silence for a while.
When Siwon has managed to relax again, Kibum says, "Remember that girl?"
Siwon shivers despite the heat of the water, says, "No, what girl?"
"That girl that wanted to fuck both of us."
Kibum doesn't open his eyes, doesn't move anything but his lips, and Siwon forces himself to close his eyes again too. "Oh, yeah."
"I want to tell you about her. I took her home and fucked her-"
"Kibum," Siwon says softly, pleadingly, but Kibum goes on as if he hasn't heard.
"-I had her bent over this chair, fucking her, and she was moaning like crazy and calling out my name. I could tell she was gonna come soon because her legs were shaking, like this-"
And then Kibum's hand is on his thigh, shaking it gently back and forth, and Siwon says his name even more softly, but Kibum goes on, eyes still closed, voice even.
"-She was getting close, and then she grabbed my hand and started sucking on my fingers, and that brought me over the edge. I shot all over her back, and then she came, and she was moaning something around my fingers." There is a slight pause. "Do you know what it was?"
Siwon can feel nothing but the rumble of Kibum's voice and the searing heat of Kibum's hand on his thigh. He shakes his head, unable to form words, and though Kibum still has his eyes closed he smiles and continues.
"She was moaning your name. I think she was pretending she was sucking on your-"
And suddenly Siwon finds his voice and cries, "Kibum, stop!" He's not sure if it's the anguish in his voice or the now-uncontrollable trembling of his thigh, but Kibum finally opens his eyes and smiles at him. Then he gets out of the bath and stands at the edge, staring intensely at Siwon's reddened face as if looking for something. Siwon stares back at him, eyes running over his naked body. Kibum is covered everywhere with droplets of water that glisten like tears in the moonlight, and Siwon thinks of the poem again: Every angel is terrifying.
Finally Kibum says, "I'm going back to my room. Goodnight," and disappears into the inn.
***
When Siwon returns to his room, he takes the delicate ceramic container of sake from the table, fills one of the tiny ceramic cups, then downs it in one gulp. He pours another, and another, and another, and soon the sake is gone and he is stumbling across the tatami to the door to the adjoining room. At first he can see nothing when he throws it open; then, his eyes begin to adjust to the darkness and he can make out Kibum leaning against the window frame, gazing out into the moonlit garden. When Kibum turns towards him, Siwon sees that his yukata is only loosely fastened and his chest is fully exposed. Siwon's head spins as he says, more loudly than he intended, "What are you doing to me?"
Kibum is silent for a moment, then says, with a shrug of his shoulders, "I see through your act. I'm helping you see through it, too."
Something breaks in Siwon-a small part of him is sure he can hear the brittle snap-and then he is grabbing Kibum by the yukata, throwing him down onto a futon, ripping the cotton robe from him and groping his arms, his ass, running his hands greedily over his warm skin. His tongue pushes hungrily into Kibum's mouth, and Kibum is returning the kiss, hard, and sliding the yukata off his back, and then they are naked and writhing against each other, skin to skin. Then, just as suddenly as he had started, Siwon suddenly freezes. He has thought of something.
"You didn't fuck that girl at all, did you?" he asks, breathless atop of Kibum.
Kibum smiles, and his teeth shine shockingly bright in the dark. "Does it matter?"
He considers, then shakes his head, and Kibum grabs his neck and pulls him back down. Siwon can still hear the smile when Kibum purrs, just before their lips meet, "Good boy."
---
The poem that Siwon is reading is the First Elegy of Rainer Maria Rilke's Duino Elegies.