The Beast Within
I glare at the raging ocean in front of me. Each wave roared with anger, screaming in agony before colliding angrily with the cliffs, only to retreat to the ocean, defeated. The air whipped around my head, grasping the silky hair that lay frozen around my head, fridgid from the cold merciless air. A heavy breath fell from my lips, twisting in the howling wind before dissapearing into the fog as I waited patiently for something that was sure to come. My muscles twitched with anticipation, constricting inside my frozen body as my dead heart collapsed in on itself, tired of its existance.
Love is disgusting, it creates a beast in all of us. It roares and growls, impatient and raw as its mind is thirsty for the only thing it wants, your love's heart. My beast is restrained, tied in the back of my mind to roar and growl with anger at me, slashing its claws through me as its teeth sink into my heart. Its hungry for something that will never belong to it, growling and howling for someone who has given her heart to another.
Outside I may appear normal, just a woman staring out to the ocean, lost in the beautiful view as the sun lazily climbed down from the sky, hiding from the world as mist and fog created a curtain to hide its shamed face.
Inside, I am a woman with no heart, my heart ripped from my body and placed delicatly in hands that belonged to another. Claws slash in side of my body, slowly ripping my body to peices as not a single scratch appeared in the surface. My suffering remains summerged under a fake mask, my tormented heart tears and rips as the love of my life smiles with pure sisterly affection down to me.
A whimper breaks through my lips, the biting air leaks into my skin to taste my dead heart. I glared down at the swirling ocean, desperation raging through my aching body, love and hate biting at my skin as the beast within roars in oblivion. I closed my eyes, lost in the dreaded future that would flicker under my eyelids.
The future that would show my brother kneeling on one knee, a dazzling smile in place as the love of my life's heart flutters in her chest. A hopefull smile spreads across her lips as her eyes dance with love. Love that should have belonged to me, that should have been directed at me, her warm arms winding around me in the night while her soft chestnut hair tickles my nose. I should be the one that entwinds my cold fingers with hers, smiling at her beautiful face as a deep blush crawls under her skin. I want her to whisper my name when she dreams, a small smile playing on her lips as she snuggls under her sheets.
My lips twitch with disgust, snarling with hate as the picture continues to dance under my eyelids, burning in my iris as the future engraves in stone. Love is like a hunger, it leaves you feeling ravounous, desperate as your insides twist and knaw at nothing. It leaves you feeling empty as you tear yourself apart, ripping everything out, just to feel whole again.
But you never do.
You feel more empty then you ever did, love only filled me with denial and heartbreak, not once had it satesfied me with its sweet affection, instead it swipes me with the sharp side of love's blade.
You want to cry because you know you have to watch with a smile on your face as the love of your life walks down the aisle, a bright smile on her face as tears slip down her cheeks. She walks down to meet someone else as you burn in jealousy, your blood boiling as your skin twitchs. To wince quitley as she stares up in his golden eyes, your forced smile slipping off your face as she leans up to capture his lips, when you desperatly want it to be your own.
But it never will be.
You will forever be her sister, to live with a cheerful mask on your worn face.
My eyelids flashed open to meet the crashing ocean, still howling in rage, climbing up to meet land before clampering downwards to fall into emptyness. My fingertips burn with desire, each skin fragment burning with an aching need that crawled in my heart as it shot pain through my limbs.
The beast within growls, growing with every ghost of a second, time flying by as I numbly count down the seconds. The seconds that could keep Edward away from Bella, the seconds that could keep them away from eachother forever if they could only stop slipping through my fingers. I swallowed, feeling my saliva slip down my throat as it burned like acid. My throat constricted tightly, choking the uneeded air through my body as my lungs collapse from exhaustion. I want to scream, anything to release this torment inside, to cry and scream and rip my hair out as my voice quivers then breaks, dying in my throat.
Anything to just end the pain, the burning need, the desire and love that shadows my every thought and lingers in every movement. With every blink of my eye, I see them, I see Bella laugh lightly, her voice filling the air with music as a deep murmur of words whisper through a blanket of hair to meet her ear. My eyes burn with the images of his icy hands wrapping around hers as he pulls her to him, his lips on her throat as she closes her eyes, a soft smile on her lips.
A hollow scream filled the misty night, lost in the roaring ocean, my scream is drowned out as the misery cracks and breaks down my voice. My teeth grind against my lip, shredding the marble like flesh before healing once more as my stomach knotted tightly, twisting inside as a thick acid consumed my body. It burns within, to swell and control my life with this harsh jealousy that twines carefully around my every thought to torture my thin sanity.
You can always tell her.
A shaky laugh broke from my lips as the thought flutterd in my mind, falling limply at the idea of it. My eyelids weighed down, falling to close and hide my exhaused eyes, wishing to close my eyes to the harsh world that burns my every fiber and fills my body with disgust and unrequited love. To tell her would hurt her, for those large doe like eyes fill with pity and sorrow as she looked upon her miserable sister. For her hand to reach out and hesitate before falling dead against her body, her mind whirling with mere possibilities of what to say as her lips lock together. Crystal tears would roll down her cheeks as words slither out of her lips to explain her love to me, her sisterly affection. Unknowingly she would grab her fingernails through the soft tissue of my black heart and rip every peice into small ribbon.
The future burns under my eyelids as it whispers Bella's desicion to me, chanting my unrequited love to the beast within, clawing my chest with rage of her refusal.
I used to say seeing the future was a gift, to see any given desicion that someone thought through, to see the end results of my thoughts before opening my mouth. Now I see it as a curse, to forever glance upon small desicions that make my dead heart quiver as jealously tightens the knots in my stomach and creates a thunderstorm in my mind. It brews dangerously and lingers over me as I force a smile on my face for her, to make her happy as he holds on to her at night.
Tears fill my eyes as they refuse to leave, the world refusing me the normal way to grief, leaving me with endless emotions to bottle inside without an escape. So instead of curling into a ball on the soft grass and stare out of the sorrowful ocean where my empty heart can knaw over its endless hunger I turn and leave. I turn to return to a tear striken Bella, her lips streatched into a bright smile as she will engulf me in a hug, kissing me softly on the cheek without passion as her lips will whisper words into my ear. Her warm breath bringing dreadful words to strike the beast within, to pluck my heart and strip it of its tissue as my love whispers sisterly words into my ear.
Alice, my sister, we shall be forever.
She will chant these words to me as my mind falls away, falling to peices as a diamond ring will brush agains my cheek. I will smile, holding in my love and torment as I force a mask upon my face, preparing myself for an endless eternity.
An endless eternity where my heart will lie within Bella's clutch, as my beast roars in anger and pain. Never to give up as years will slip by, my love's eyes sweeping over me to find my brother's golden gaze.
Because love makes a beast of all of us, it creates a famine to plaugue your mind and keep your frozen body in its endless clutch.