musesandlyrics | 8.4. Unknown quote
8.4. "Friends are like walls. Sometimes you lean on them, and sometimes it's just enough to know they're there."
Unknown
Co-written with surgeonshands
[Follows THIS]
Bella had literally run from the radiology department to her office after she waited for the films of Dave’s CT to be produced. She had even cursed harshly at the radiographer when he asked if she wanted to wait for his clerk to type up the report. There was going to be no waiting. She was a fully qualified oncologist. She could see goddamn cancer on a radiology film and know exactly what it was when she looked at it. The radiographer could possibly have ended up with the films up his ass if she didn’t desperately need them to show another doctor, who was also going to know exactly what he was looking at. She needed the proof. It was easy to be deluded without proof.
She pushed open the door of her office with the films tucked under her arm, finding Dave sitting in one of her consult chairs. If she thought he looked rough before, he looked terrible now. His face wasn’t too far off the colour his pale grey t-shirt was and he had his arms hugged stiffly around his stomach as he sat hunched forward. She didn’t even need to be close to him to notice that he was shivering, despite the fact he had a light sheen of sweat dotted across his forehead. Instead of closing the door, she ducked back out to get a heated blanket from the cabinet in the clinic and brought it back. Any other patient, and she would sit down at her desk as usual, but this time she took the seat beside Dave and carefully wrapped the warm blanket around him. “I’m not going to start asking you silly questions about how you are. I just want you to know that facts straight up, and then we’ll talk about what you want to happen next, love,” she began softly. “What I can tell you is that it’s not the Non-Hodgkins that has returned.”
Dave blinked out of his numb haze and looked at her. “It’s not back?” he asked hoarsely, his voice coming out sounding like someone had him by the throat. Indeed, that is exactly how he was feeling right now. “But the pain... the swelling... y-you said it wasn’t good news. I just... I...”
“Dave,” Bella interrupted and took his hand before he could get any further with his thinking. “You have a tumorous mass in your left testicle. The right one is completely clear, however the CT shows that is has begun to metastasise to the surviving paraaortic and retroperitoneal lymph nodes in you, which is what would explain the stomach pain and vomiting bouts. It does tell me that the testicular tumour may have been there for some time undetected. I think it may have started to metastasise when you started showing symptoms. The back and stomach pain, the sexual issues. Your bloods also showed the presence of Alpha-fetoprotein and Lactate dehydrogenase.”
Dave gave a slight nod and then bit down on his lower lip. When he looked back to her, his eyes were filled with tears, but he was managing to mostly keep his cool at this point. “Probably too much to hope that it would have been Stage One, huh?” he commented, choking up. He swallowed to try and retain the ability to speak, even if it was slipping away from him. “So... w-what are you telling me here? That I was never in remission? That they missed this? You what... need to take my balls? I-I don’t... I... you’re gonna need to spell it all out for me, Bella,” he admitted as the tears spilled over silently.
Bella reached for her ever-present box of tissues on her desk. It was taking every single ounce of control within her not to start sobbing herself. She couldn’t help but think of her own ordeal when she was younger, and of Rick. Of their baby. This was bringing so much home, but she needed to keep it together for Dave right now. He was on the brink of losing it, but he was right, he needed the information to have any hope of trying to process it. She just hoped to all hell that when push came to shove right now, she could convince him to not try and see through this alone. He wasn’t going to be able to keep it a secret like he desperately wished he could to protect his loved ones from anymore pain. “You were in remission, Dave. There was no mistake about that. I spent a long time yesterday reading over your file and reading all your records from your prior treatment and diagnosis. You were completely in the clear when you left LA, no doubt about it. This is just... one of those things. You don’t need me to tell you that just had an increased susceptibility, you don’t need me to spew out statistics and timeframes to you. We’re just going to talk about you. I need to take the diseased testicle, Dave. An orchiectomy is basically the only way these days to cure testicular cancer. Just like kidney cancer, it removes the cancerous cells. The testicles are just too sensitive an organ to go digging around in it for biopsies. It’s too risky a procedure. We just take it, and the tumour is gone. However, in this case, I need to take the affected lymph nodes also. You have experienced that before when they removed part of your bowel the first time around. Staging can only really come once the diseased tissue is examined post-removal, but the scans indicate a Stage Three. But it’s very treatable, with his prognosis rates. Once we know for sure what stage, then we can decide on the best treatment regime. From what I have seen, I anticipate a mix of chemo and radiation isolated to the affected areas.”
Dave nodded again and then just put his hands up over his face, words completely failing him at that point. He remembered the first time he was diagnosed. He spent three days in shock, really not believing what had been told to him. It was only when he called his parents up in Florida to attempt to tell them, and when they arrived in LA that he actually broke down and realised it wasn’t some sick joke. This time, the reality set in immediately. There was no delusion. Bella wasn’t lying to him. The cancer really was back. There was no remission, not anymore, and he was suddenly starkly facing more terrifying treatment. Now he just felt like a fraud for even attempting to help Rick with anything. He was a fake. If he couldn’t even hold it together for himself, how could he rightly have expected to want to help anyone else? To try and tell them things would be bearable? They weren’t bearable. It was always like you were just holding onto things by a thread that could snap at any moment, and here he was. His thread has snapped.
Bella wrapped her arm around Dave’s shoulders. She would sit here with him as long as he needed, even if it was just in silence. He wasn’t just another patient, he was practically family these days after everything that had been happening. She couldn’t help but think of Lisa, and how she would even be able to understand how her brother tried to keep this on the hush and face it alone, but Bella couldn’t tell him what to do. There was also the issue with Chris and Rick. The two brothers, and now Dave, they all needed support and Bella knew there was plenty to go around, but what was with this lot of guys and their secret keeping? Couldn’t they see it wasn’t protecting anyone? How the hell would Chris take a second round of Dave not telling him about the cancer when he barely coped the first time? Right along with still trying to cope with his big brother being in his life, and seriously ill also? Bella was starting to feel sick herself and she squeezed him softly. Maybe it was some sort of ironic act of Karma, but she could also see outside her office window now that a heavy rain had started to fall and the Miami skyline was looking black and dull. “Dave, you need to tell your family. You’re going to need them,” she eventually told him quietly. “They’re going to need each other.”
“No,” Dave mumbled and took his hands down to wring his fingers together in front of him. “I need some time first. Do I have time? I just need time... to be alone. Okay? If I don’t get that, I’m going to hit something... or someone. Please just tell me I can have some time.” Despite his strangely calm words, however, they cut off with a sob. He could hear himself saying he wanted time to be alone, but he just had no idea anymore if that was really what he wanted at all.
“You have time,” Bella promised him. “You take what you need and you call me when you’re ready to make plans for the surgery. But don’t think for a minute I’m going to leave you alone, David Taylor. I’ll be calling you each day to see how you’re doing. There’s time, Dave. But you know how this all goes. The quicker we act, the better. But right now, I do think you just need to get away from this place. I’m going to drive you home as soon as you’re ready, I’m also going to write you a script for some sleeping pills because I know you haven’t slept since what happened with Aimee. Are you sure there is no one you want me to call right now?”
It had been awhile since Dave felt like he was crying enough that he would never stop, but this was definitely a renewed sensation. “I don’t know,” was all he could get out through the sobbing and he was really grateful when Bella was there to give him another hug. He knew there were decisions to be made, and processes to be started, but right now, he didn’t have the energy to think about any of it.
Right now, he was about ready to believe there was no such thing as second chances.
Word Count | 1,728
Unknown
Co-written with surgeonshands
[Follows THIS]
Bella had literally run from the radiology department to her office after she waited for the films of Dave’s CT to be produced. She had even cursed harshly at the radiographer when he asked if she wanted to wait for his clerk to type up the report. There was going to be no waiting. She was a fully qualified oncologist. She could see goddamn cancer on a radiology film and know exactly what it was when she looked at it. The radiographer could possibly have ended up with the films up his ass if she didn’t desperately need them to show another doctor, who was also going to know exactly what he was looking at. She needed the proof. It was easy to be deluded without proof.
She pushed open the door of her office with the films tucked under her arm, finding Dave sitting in one of her consult chairs. If she thought he looked rough before, he looked terrible now. His face wasn’t too far off the colour his pale grey t-shirt was and he had his arms hugged stiffly around his stomach as he sat hunched forward. She didn’t even need to be close to him to notice that he was shivering, despite the fact he had a light sheen of sweat dotted across his forehead. Instead of closing the door, she ducked back out to get a heated blanket from the cabinet in the clinic and brought it back. Any other patient, and she would sit down at her desk as usual, but this time she took the seat beside Dave and carefully wrapped the warm blanket around him. “I’m not going to start asking you silly questions about how you are. I just want you to know that facts straight up, and then we’ll talk about what you want to happen next, love,” she began softly. “What I can tell you is that it’s not the Non-Hodgkins that has returned.”
Dave blinked out of his numb haze and looked at her. “It’s not back?” he asked hoarsely, his voice coming out sounding like someone had him by the throat. Indeed, that is exactly how he was feeling right now. “But the pain... the swelling... y-you said it wasn’t good news. I just... I...”
“Dave,” Bella interrupted and took his hand before he could get any further with his thinking. “You have a tumorous mass in your left testicle. The right one is completely clear, however the CT shows that is has begun to metastasise to the surviving paraaortic and retroperitoneal lymph nodes in you, which is what would explain the stomach pain and vomiting bouts. It does tell me that the testicular tumour may have been there for some time undetected. I think it may have started to metastasise when you started showing symptoms. The back and stomach pain, the sexual issues. Your bloods also showed the presence of Alpha-fetoprotein and Lactate dehydrogenase.”
Dave gave a slight nod and then bit down on his lower lip. When he looked back to her, his eyes were filled with tears, but he was managing to mostly keep his cool at this point. “Probably too much to hope that it would have been Stage One, huh?” he commented, choking up. He swallowed to try and retain the ability to speak, even if it was slipping away from him. “So... w-what are you telling me here? That I was never in remission? That they missed this? You what... need to take my balls? I-I don’t... I... you’re gonna need to spell it all out for me, Bella,” he admitted as the tears spilled over silently.
Bella reached for her ever-present box of tissues on her desk. It was taking every single ounce of control within her not to start sobbing herself. She couldn’t help but think of her own ordeal when she was younger, and of Rick. Of their baby. This was bringing so much home, but she needed to keep it together for Dave right now. He was on the brink of losing it, but he was right, he needed the information to have any hope of trying to process it. She just hoped to all hell that when push came to shove right now, she could convince him to not try and see through this alone. He wasn’t going to be able to keep it a secret like he desperately wished he could to protect his loved ones from anymore pain. “You were in remission, Dave. There was no mistake about that. I spent a long time yesterday reading over your file and reading all your records from your prior treatment and diagnosis. You were completely in the clear when you left LA, no doubt about it. This is just... one of those things. You don’t need me to tell you that just had an increased susceptibility, you don’t need me to spew out statistics and timeframes to you. We’re just going to talk about you. I need to take the diseased testicle, Dave. An orchiectomy is basically the only way these days to cure testicular cancer. Just like kidney cancer, it removes the cancerous cells. The testicles are just too sensitive an organ to go digging around in it for biopsies. It’s too risky a procedure. We just take it, and the tumour is gone. However, in this case, I need to take the affected lymph nodes also. You have experienced that before when they removed part of your bowel the first time around. Staging can only really come once the diseased tissue is examined post-removal, but the scans indicate a Stage Three. But it’s very treatable, with his prognosis rates. Once we know for sure what stage, then we can decide on the best treatment regime. From what I have seen, I anticipate a mix of chemo and radiation isolated to the affected areas.”
Dave nodded again and then just put his hands up over his face, words completely failing him at that point. He remembered the first time he was diagnosed. He spent three days in shock, really not believing what had been told to him. It was only when he called his parents up in Florida to attempt to tell them, and when they arrived in LA that he actually broke down and realised it wasn’t some sick joke. This time, the reality set in immediately. There was no delusion. Bella wasn’t lying to him. The cancer really was back. There was no remission, not anymore, and he was suddenly starkly facing more terrifying treatment. Now he just felt like a fraud for even attempting to help Rick with anything. He was a fake. If he couldn’t even hold it together for himself, how could he rightly have expected to want to help anyone else? To try and tell them things would be bearable? They weren’t bearable. It was always like you were just holding onto things by a thread that could snap at any moment, and here he was. His thread has snapped.
Bella wrapped her arm around Dave’s shoulders. She would sit here with him as long as he needed, even if it was just in silence. He wasn’t just another patient, he was practically family these days after everything that had been happening. She couldn’t help but think of Lisa, and how she would even be able to understand how her brother tried to keep this on the hush and face it alone, but Bella couldn’t tell him what to do. There was also the issue with Chris and Rick. The two brothers, and now Dave, they all needed support and Bella knew there was plenty to go around, but what was with this lot of guys and their secret keeping? Couldn’t they see it wasn’t protecting anyone? How the hell would Chris take a second round of Dave not telling him about the cancer when he barely coped the first time? Right along with still trying to cope with his big brother being in his life, and seriously ill also? Bella was starting to feel sick herself and she squeezed him softly. Maybe it was some sort of ironic act of Karma, but she could also see outside her office window now that a heavy rain had started to fall and the Miami skyline was looking black and dull. “Dave, you need to tell your family. You’re going to need them,” she eventually told him quietly. “They’re going to need each other.”
“No,” Dave mumbled and took his hands down to wring his fingers together in front of him. “I need some time first. Do I have time? I just need time... to be alone. Okay? If I don’t get that, I’m going to hit something... or someone. Please just tell me I can have some time.” Despite his strangely calm words, however, they cut off with a sob. He could hear himself saying he wanted time to be alone, but he just had no idea anymore if that was really what he wanted at all.
“You have time,” Bella promised him. “You take what you need and you call me when you’re ready to make plans for the surgery. But don’t think for a minute I’m going to leave you alone, David Taylor. I’ll be calling you each day to see how you’re doing. There’s time, Dave. But you know how this all goes. The quicker we act, the better. But right now, I do think you just need to get away from this place. I’m going to drive you home as soon as you’re ready, I’m also going to write you a script for some sleeping pills because I know you haven’t slept since what happened with Aimee. Are you sure there is no one you want me to call right now?”
It had been awhile since Dave felt like he was crying enough that he would never stop, but this was definitely a renewed sensation. “I don’t know,” was all he could get out through the sobbing and he was really grateful when Bella was there to give him another hug. He knew there were decisions to be made, and processes to be started, but right now, he didn’t have the energy to think about any of it.
Right now, he was about ready to believe there was no such thing as second chances.
Word Count | 1,728