Let's Have Some Fun (Twilight Edition 2)
In which I rip apart Twilight again. This was all meant to be one entry, but when I realised how long part one was I split it. So, here we go with the next bit. Let's Have Some Fun!
Chapter 1: First Sight
Notes:
Firstly, the title of the chapter. She called it "First Sight". Fair enough. First sight of what? Let's examine: It could be the first sight of Forks, but it's not the first time she's been there. The first sight of her Dad, but it's not the first time she's seen him. So what, then? Here are a few things that she sees for the first time:
-First time seeing her truck - potential, but not major enough.
-First time at her new school - first sight of the school, first sight of the people there.
Of course, we all know that by making this list I am merely delaying the inevitable. Of course, there is only one thing that "first sight" refers to: "It was there, sitting in the lunchroom, trying to make conversation with seven curious strangers, that I first saw them." (Chapter 1, p.9).
So, it is obviously her first sight of Edward that she is referring to.
No doubt, everyone is wondering why I am complaing about this. Here's the deal: Smeyer devotes the chapter title to a character who isn't important yet. She devotes the entire chapter to worshipping a character who is only introduced half way through the chapter, and who is, for all intents and purposes, not yet important to the narrative.
What should she be doing? you ask. Here are a few ideas: character development, setting development, fleshing out histories, backgrounds, motives. Making her story real. Establishing a proper style and tone that doesn't rely on thesaurus-rape, poor grammar and repetition. Not rushing towards the romance at a rate that makes it seem like this is the only important part of the story. Don't agree with me? Think I'm being an idiot and judging based on a superficial dislike?
Here's my rationale:
Part 1: Language
(Usage in this chapter/entire novel)
-overuse of commas: lllll ll
-unimportant description: lllll lllll
--of which:
---clothes: llll
---Forks: ll
---weather: lll
-referring to Forks negatively: lllll ll
--devoting a whole paragraph to this: ll
-referring to parents negatively: lllll lll
--mother: ll
--father: lllll l
-misuse of hyphens: lllll lllll llll
-exaggeration: lllll lllll lllll lllll l
-other grammar mistakes: ll
-stupid/pointless/exaggerated/misused vocab:
--perfect: l
--inconsequential: l
--omnipresent: l
--compelled: l
--verbose: l
--permeable: l
--pallid: l
--nasal: l
-stupid words referring to colours:
--ivory: l
--porcelain: l
-Bella lies: lllll
-fragmented sentences: llll
--beginning with "but": l
-Bella is clumsy: ll
-Bella is described as clumsy: l
-Bella complains: lllll lllll lllll lllll lllll ll
-Bella calls her DAD Charlie: lllll lllll lllll lllll ll
-reference to rain: lllll lllll
-Bella criticises something good: lllll lllll lllll lllll
-Bella is a bitch to someone who is trying to help her: lllll ll
--Eric: lllll
--Jessica: l
-repeating the same word/phrase in the same paragraph: llll
-describing Charlie as awkward: ll
-"and then and then": lllll ll
-Bella "sees things" in peoples' eyes: ll
"But I could see the sacrifice in her eyes behind the promise." WTF?
-bad foreshadowing: lllll l
-words describing Edward: ll
--bronze: ll
--lanky: l
--chalky: l
--pale: lll
--bruiselike: l
--perfect: l
--angular: l
--inhuman: l
--beautiful: l
--boyish: ll
-Edward is a jerk: l
Chapter 1: First Sight
Notes:
Firstly, the title of the chapter. She called it "First Sight". Fair enough. First sight of what? Let's examine: It could be the first sight of Forks, but it's not the first time she's been there. The first sight of her Dad, but it's not the first time she's seen him. So what, then? Here are a few things that she sees for the first time:
-First time seeing her truck - potential, but not major enough.
-First time at her new school - first sight of the school, first sight of the people there.
Of course, we all know that by making this list I am merely delaying the inevitable. Of course, there is only one thing that "first sight" refers to: "It was there, sitting in the lunchroom, trying to make conversation with seven curious strangers, that I first saw them." (Chapter 1, p.9).
So, it is obviously her first sight of Edward that she is referring to.
No doubt, everyone is wondering why I am complaing about this. Here's the deal: Smeyer devotes the chapter title to a character who isn't important yet. She devotes the entire chapter to worshipping a character who is only introduced half way through the chapter, and who is, for all intents and purposes, not yet important to the narrative.
What should she be doing? you ask. Here are a few ideas: character development, setting development, fleshing out histories, backgrounds, motives. Making her story real. Establishing a proper style and tone that doesn't rely on thesaurus-rape, poor grammar and repetition. Not rushing towards the romance at a rate that makes it seem like this is the only important part of the story. Don't agree with me? Think I'm being an idiot and judging based on a superficial dislike?
Here's my rationale:
Part 1: Language
(Usage in this chapter/entire novel)
-overuse of commas: lllll ll
-unimportant description: lllll lllll
--of which:
---clothes: llll
---Forks: ll
---weather: lll
-referring to Forks negatively: lllll ll
--devoting a whole paragraph to this: ll
-referring to parents negatively: lllll lll
--mother: ll
--father: lllll l
-misuse of hyphens: lllll lllll llll
-exaggeration: lllll lllll lllll lllll l
-other grammar mistakes: ll
-stupid/pointless/exaggerated/misused vocab:
--perfect: l
--inconsequential: l
--omnipresent: l
--compelled: l
--verbose: l
--permeable: l
--pallid: l
--nasal: l
-stupid words referring to colours:
--ivory: l
--porcelain: l
-Bella lies: lllll
-fragmented sentences: llll
--beginning with "but": l
-Bella is clumsy: ll
-Bella is described as clumsy: l
-Bella complains: lllll lllll lllll lllll lllll ll
-Bella calls her DAD Charlie: lllll lllll lllll lllll ll
-reference to rain: lllll lllll
-Bella criticises something good: lllll lllll lllll lllll
-Bella is a bitch to someone who is trying to help her: lllll ll
--Eric: lllll
--Jessica: l
-repeating the same word/phrase in the same paragraph: llll
-describing Charlie as awkward: ll
-"and then and then": lllll ll
-Bella "sees things" in peoples' eyes: ll
"But I could see the sacrifice in her eyes behind the promise." WTF?
-bad foreshadowing: lllll l
-words describing Edward: ll
--bronze: ll
--lanky: l
--chalky: l
--pale: lll
--bruiselike: l
--perfect: l
--angular: l
--inhuman: l
--beautiful: l
--boyish: ll
-Edward is a jerk: l