[fic] naran saram
나란 사람/someone like me [5/?]
Kyuhyun/girl!Sungmin; PG-15 (might change); 20334 words; chaptered
Kyuhyun's best friend will always be his little girl, even when she grows up.
a/n: Happy 2011~ tbh I felt unsure about this chapter but if I continued to contemplate/edit I would have abandoned the story, so I hope you are not disappointed~ I changed the rating to PG-15 even though I honestly don't know that it needed to be? but thank you for reading :3
part 1 | part 2 | part 3 | part 4 | part 5
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Kyuhyun smoothes his hands nervously down his stomach over his tweed vest, feeling the rippled buttons under his clammy fingertips as he stares at his reflection in his bathroom mirror - his hair parted and styled handsomely, his face newly washed and moisturized.
This is pathetic, he thinks.You still haven't fucking grown up yet, have you? his conscience laughs at him. You're like a teenager preparing for your first date! It mocks, and Kyuhyun's face flushes further, making him feel hot enough that he has to pull off his glasses to splash cold water on his face. He doesn't want to acknowledge the voice and that it's completely right, because it's pathetic on two accounts: that it's the truth, and that he is psychotic enough to acknowledge a voice in his head.
"I just want to look nice because it's her birthday," he grits out, shoving his glasses back on his face before pulling his dark navy blazer onto his shoulders. "She always dresses up and so do her friends," he murmurs to himself before abandoning his reflection. Even out of adolescence, he will never be completely happy with what he sees: his skin is that of a teenager who doesn't know how to wash himself, his eyes are crooked, his smile is awkward and geeky.
"Whatever," he mutters, fingers fidgeting with his bowtie. Sungmin is his little girl: she doesn't care how he looks, just that he shows up like he promised. His promises are all that ever seem to matter to her, and the least he could do is actually keep one this time.
Kyuhyun pockets a house key even though he shouldn't need it, and his cell phone, then gently slides the large, heavy canvas bag onto his shoulder, careful to not jostle Sungmin's birthday present.
"Have fun, Kyuhyunnie! Tell Sungmin happy birthday from us!" His mother calls as he passes his parents' bedroom on the way down the hall. He raises a hand in acknowledgement and takes his time going down the stairs, careful not to slip.
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There's a light dusting of powdery snow on Kyuhyun's shoulders and dark hair when he lets himself in through Sungmin's front door. There's music playing throughout the entire house, but it's not obnoxiously loud; it's crowded, but not oppressively, and Kyuhyun marvels at how popular Sungmin must be. Even though most of the guests are teenagers, some in their first years of college, they're all dressed chicly and sipping wine or water, mingling and talking and dancing. Kyuhyun doesn't really recognize any of them but he hadn't expected to. Probably Eunhyuk will pop out of nowhere when he least expects her, or-
"Kyuhyun oppa?"
Kyuhyun turns and does a double-take, because Eunhyuk has grown up since he saw her last. It's kind of aggravating how teenage girls tend to do that. She's looking him over skeptically, suspiciously, before a slow smile spreads her lips and Kyuhyun narrows his eyes.
"What are you plotting?" He accuses, clutching the heavy bag tighter to his side when people shuffle around them, eyeing her warily. He never thought he'd see the lanky girl in such a short party dress that hugged her slender waist before puffing out, then narrowing back in tightly around her thighs, barely covering her backside. He figures it's fashionable and the style has a name, and that all girls grow up eventually, but it's still a shock to Kyuhyun.
Eunhyuk grins and keeps her secrets to herself. "Nothing, nothing at all~ You're like a skeleton, oppa. How dare you show up here looking like this, you'll hurt Sungmin's feelings," she teases, although Kyuhyun knows Eunhyuk always speaks her mind, it's just a matter of how she colors it.
"She already gave me shit for it the other night, thanks," Kyuhyun sniffs. "How have you been? You went to a dance program with Sungmin, right?"
"Like a billion years ago, jeez," Eunhyuk huffs and grabs his arm, looping it with her own as she begins to lead him through the clusters of people, elbowing her way through like a professional. "You should come home more often to catch up with everyone - nice bowtie, by the way - I'm going to school for dance next year with Donghae, and Minnie would've come too, but - ah, there she is, Sungminnie-yah!" Eunhyuk calls, pushing Kyuhyun out in front of her as if she's feeding him to a pack of hungry wolves. "I've brought you what you've always wanted~" she choruses merrily, and Kyuhyun finally realizes Eunhyuk is probably on her third glass of wine already.
He blinks at his new surroundings and feels his cheeks flush under the scrutiny of everyone in the room who turns to look at him. Kyuhyun can hear some unfamiliar people nearby whispering loudly, asking who he is, before Sungmin finally manages to squeeze herself out from within the dense group of people cluttered near the kitchen counter that's covered in wine bottles.
"Yah, you really came!" She practically squeals, throwing herself at him before he can even get a good look at her. Kyuhyun stumbles back slightly, gripping the heavy bag on his shoulder with one arm while wrapping the other around Sungmin's slim waistline. Eunhyuk's bony fingers push him further out into the kitchen, away from the wall, as if she knows his birthday gift for Sungmin is delicate. Eunhyuk has always seemed to know what's going on and what's going to happen before it happens. Kyuhyun thinks perhaps he should've kept in better touch with her over the years.
"You aren't already drunk are you?" He accuses, only half-aware of Sungmin's friends who are trying to pretend that they aren't watching them. Sungmin whines playfully and pulls back but keeps her arms around his neck, then delicately starts to brush away the snow from his head and shoulders.
"As if! I'll be able to drink you under the table one day, just wait!"
Kyuhyun decides she isn't drunk and grins, taking in the sight of her bright, shining eyes and excited smile. Sungmin was always so vibrant on her birthdays, surrounded by her friends, and tonight is no exception - she looks radiant. Kyuhyun holds her out at arm's length and bites the inside of his cheek: his little girl is wearing a rather little, black dress, one that barely goes down to the middle of her thighs and fits her body tighter than he wants it to. Or rather tighter than he should want it to. Her shapely legs are covered by sheer, patterned black tights and Kyuhyun can see the tan skin showing through even in the dim light. He figures Sungmin got dressed after her parents went out for the night and feels a pang of parental concern in his chest.
"Did you bring me a gift?" Sungmin asks excitedly, pushing closer and standing on her toes to try and peer into the bag on his shoulder. Kyuhyun laughs genuinely at her curiosity and focuses on that instead of her long dark hair hanging over her bare shoulders, or the low neckline of her dress, or the raspberry color of her sticky lips.
"Of course; it's your birthday, isn't it?" He teases, pinching her side, and Sungmin squirms and tries to pull the bag down off his shoulder.
"Can I open it now, oppa? Can I?" She begs, sounding so much like her younger self, gazing up at him with wide, dark eyes.
Kyuhyun swallows and tugs at his collar, noticing that some people are still eyeing them curiously. Eunhyuk moves past him and starts talking to a circle of boys, one of whom slides his arm around her waist. Kyuhyun's brow furrows for a moment, distracted, before warm hands cup his face and tip it downward.
"Are you ignoring me, Kyu? I want to see what you got for me, please? I can open it in my room if you want," Sungmin offers, and Kyuhyun wonders if his uneasiness in the setting has led her to believe it's a fairly personal gift. Well, it is, he figures.
"But your party -" he worries, and Sungmin just smiles and squishes his cheeks playfully, causing him to pout.
"It's okay, Eunhyuk-ah will take care of things while I'm gone. It won't take long, right?" Sungmin doesn't wait for an answer, just takes Kyuhyun's free hand in her own and starts leading him back through the house, away from the guests, the noise, and the inhibition of watchful eyes.
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"Yah, I don't know why I always want to have a party for my birthday, they're so tiring," Sungmin sighs and flops back onto her bed. She curls onto her side and pulls her legs up, toes curling in her tights and chunky, startlingly high heels, and Kyuhyun smiles nervously as he pushes her bedroom door closed with a slightly trembling hand. "I suspect most people just come because it's New Year's Day and they want free alcohol," she says thoughtfully, eyes fluttering shut tiredly. Kyuhyun stays put near the door, watching his little girl as she nearly falls asleep, looking innocent and seductive all at once. He grits his teeth and banishes the thought from his mind, focusing instead on her walls covered with photographs, not her thighs and dangerously short dress.
"Min," he starts, voice quiet. The noise of the party is dulled significantly now that they're upstairs and the door is closed, but Sungmin looks so sleepy that he wants her to rest. "My gift isn't really all that special, I'm sorry," he says sheepishly, cheeks flushing as he looks down, gently laying the heavy bag on top of her pink blankets, beside her curled up figure. "It's hard for a guy my age to know what to get for a girl your age," he explains lamely.
He watches Sungmin's eyes flutter open. The look she gives him isn't pleased, but nor is it accusing. Perhaps dissatisfied, or discontent.
"I thought I'll always be your little girl," she says softly, reaching out to run her fingertips over the edge of the large, shallow box peeking out of the bag. "If that's true, then it shouldn't be so hard... you know me better than anyone, Kyu," she confesses, fingertips prying at the lid on the box, trying to lift it open.
Kyuhyun snatches her fingertips in reprimand and tugs the box further away from her. She pouts and pulls her hand back, clutching it to her chest. Kyuhyun doesn't want to confess to her that sometimes he feels like he doesn't know her at all. If he only looks at her, like now, and sees her dressed to kill, looking like she crawled off the pages of a fashion magazine and laid herself out for him, he barely even recognizes her.
"What about Eunhyuk-ah?" He asks instead, busying himself with pulling the box from within the canvas bag, tossing the latter aside. Sungmin pushes herself up and curls her legs to her side in a desperate bid at modesty while watching Kyuhyun's hands with interest.
"That's not fair," Sungmin mutters under her breath, drawing her pretty red fingernails over her pink bedspread playfully. "Of course she knows things you don't," she nearly whispers, and Kyuhyun wonders if they are things he desperately wants to know, like has Sungmin ever thought of him as more than her nerdy oppa, or things better kept between girls, like who took Sungmin's first kiss. Kyuhyun bites the inside of his cheek again.
"Well then let's hope you haven't really changed much after all," he says with a hopeful smile, and Sungmin grins back at him widely. She slides her legs beneath herself and begins to bounce playfully on the bed, dark curls flouncing about her face, and Kyuhyun can't help laughing. She may look dolled up like a young woman, may have the figure of one, may be turning eighteen years old today, but she's still so much like the little girl he cared for all those years ago. Perhaps she will stay that way forever.
"I really didn't know what to get you," he apologizes again while lifting the lid carefully off the large, shallow box. Sungmin's eyes sparkle with impatience and eagerness, and Kyuhyun wets his lips. "But you'll go to school soon, and I didn't think you'd be able to take all your photographs with you. So I had some prints made, and..." Kyuhyun sort of trails off, setting a bulky, leather package aside before pulling away a protective cloth to reveal the large photograph beneath, encased in a dark wooden frame and displayed behind pristine glass. Sungmin inhales sharply when she sees the picture and pushes herself up onto her knees, inching closer so she can look down at it more properly. Her thin fingers reach out, bright red nails and gentle fingertips caressing the intricate carvings of the frame Kyuhyun begged Yesung to craft by hand.
"Kyuhyun," Sungmin exhales heavily, eyes wide as they scan the print. "This... I took this, didn't I? This summer, I... and you..." she murmurs breathlessly, bringing her hand to her mouth, as if speechless or shocked.
Kyuhyun's stomach turns when she finally looks up at him. His heart is beating a mile a minute, desperate for her to like her gift, and when he sees her wide eyes full of tears, he thinks he's fucked up or done the wrong thing, or -
"You really had this printed?" Sungmin asks, voice thick as she fights her tears, lips trembling behind her fingertips.
"I'm sorry," Kyuhyun chokes, face hot and fingers digging into his palms as his eyes dart nervously back and forth between hers. "I thought you'd like it for your dorm or apartment, wherever you go. I really loved all the pictures you sent me last summer," he confesses, blushing like a child, pursing his lips awkwardly for a moment. "I wished we could've spent one last summer together before you really grow up and move out, so it meant a lot... us exchanging pictures and... the pictures you sent of the sea reminded me of when you were younger, so -"
The tears spill from Sungmin's eyes suddenly and she buries her face in her hands. Kyuhyun chokes again and steps forward, reaching for her instinctively, any impure thoughts pushed to the back of his mind when he sees his little girl upset, and because of him no less.
"I'm sorry," he apologizes once more, brushing her long dark hair from her face, watching a few tendrils catch in her tear tracks when his thumb brushes through them.
"Stop apologizing, Kyu," Sungmin whispers hoarsely, wiping her tears away with trembling fingers, sniffling and hiccupping once. "Stop, just stop," she breathes and wraps her arms around his shoulders, pulling him closer.
Kyuhyun feels like he's melting into her when she buries her face in his neck and clutches him tightly. He can feel her shaking and hurries to smooth his hands down her back and sides, kissing the crown of her head carefully with his own quivering lips.
There's something in his chest that hurts so fucking much in that moment. Kyuhyun realizes how much time he's wasted over the past couple years, worrying about his disgusting desires and how inappropriate they are, how insulting they are to his little girl, his little Sungmin who deserves the world and not someone like him thinking about her like that when he should be caring for her like this. He kept running away to avoid the situation, always falling back into the trap, unable to stop or move on. And now it's finally dawned on him; the realization that Sungmin has actually grown up, and it's not a matter of her waiting for him to come home from college and visit her anymore. Now she'll leave when the semester is over. She'll become an adult and go to school away from home and when they're apart, she'll begin to forget him. She won't have the constant reminder of her oppa because she won't be living where they made their memories and she'll have other things to worry about, other places and other people.
Sungmin is not three years old anymore. Sungmin is eighteen and Kyuhyun thinks he's loved her since she first peered at him nervously over her mother's shoulder, since he brought her a pink tulip with the dirty root still attached, since her chubby little fingers took it from his grasp.
"Kyuhyun," Sungmin murmurs, and he can feel it against his throat. His body becomes hyper-aware of how close they are, of every curve under his stroking hands, of how warm she feels despite her little dress, of how much he wants her to always be his little girl. Sungmin pulls back, but not far enough, and peers up at him with her watery eyes and tear-stained cheeks. Her mascara is smudged only slightly, and her hair is a bit ruffled, but Kyuhyun thinks she looks beautiful like this, like he could wake up in the morning and roll over and see her this way or any way and be perfectly happy, content, pleased... so long as she's there. He cups her face and brushes his thumbs over her cheeks, cleaning away the tears, feeling the wetness on his skin. Sungmin's eyes flutter shut with his motions, and her full lips part and inhale delicately, and Kyuhyun can't stop it.
He leans in, closes the gap where their breaths mingle, and presses his lips to hers. Kyuhyun can't know how she initially reacts because he's drowning in his realized dream: Sungmin's lips feel full and soft and sticky with lip gloss and they fit with his like pieces in a jigsaw puzzle - one perfect match out of thousands of bad fits. He cradles the back of her head with one hand and reaches his other arm down around her waist, pulling her flush to him again. His mouth moves gently but hungrily and it takes him a minute to realize that Sungmin is responding. She's clinging to him tighter than before, kissing him back, pressing herself to him and holding on for dear life when he climbs onto the bed and lays her down beneath him. Kyuhyun's knee brushes the thick wooden frame beside them as he lays over her, still cradling the back of her skull tenderly with one hand. The other travels down her side, over her hip, caresses down her thigh and catches her short dress. His fingers burrow beneath it, brush the hemline up, and Kyuhyun feels the textured pattern of her tights over the heat of her thighs.
Sungmin moans but instead of the sound waking him up, it's like throwing water on a grease fire. Kyuhyun is desperate and Sungmin feels perfect beneath him; she's eager like he would never have imagined her to be, tugging him closer by little fistfuls of his hair, biting his lip when he releases hers, arching her body against his so he can feel her heat - the blood pumping frantically through each of her veins. Kyuhyun's hand leaves the back of her skull to drag down her throat, fingers catching on the strap of her dress, tugging it down over her shoulder far enough to expose the heaving swell of her breast. He cups her breast with one hand, feeling the warm, silky texture of her skin in contrast with the stiff cotton of her dress, and pulls her thigh up against his hip, feeling the fiery heat of the inside of her thigh pressed tight against him through his slacks.
Another moan resounds when Sungmin pushes herself against his thigh, a mixture of both their voices. The heat and pressure of Sungmin's core against his tense muscles is intoxicating, and he feels dizzy and light-headed from kissing her so feverishly. His lips draw back for a moment, sticky and swollen, but his hips push down and Sungmin cries.
"Please," she breathes out, her voice husky and shaking and so needy that if Kyuhyun had one more distraction, like her lips still biting and kissing his own, he would proceed to take her without a second thought. But he's breathing oxygen instead of the deep red wine of Sungmin's tongue and breath, and his eyes open to see hers still filled with tears, damp tracks escaping, lips bruised red and lip gloss smudged. Her chest is still heaving, breathless beneath him, and his hand is still clutching her breast. His other hand frozen behind her thigh, just above the knee, holds her in place against him.
Sungmin, his Sungmin, his little girl is open beneath him, ready and willing to violate their tender relationship. Kyuhyun is on top of her, caging her in, leaving her nowhere to go but further into him. She's small and delicate and trembling and Kyuhyun feels like this is the only place he can be sure she's safe from all the things he's been dreading as she grows up - boys, boys who won't treat her well, boys who will care more about themselves than her, boys who don't know her like he does, boys who will touch her when they have no business laying their hands on her, boys who will hurt her and yet... Kyuhyun is no better. He has no more right to be with her like this than someone her own age, someone who doesn't have a relationship with her like Kyuhyun does - someone who may as well have raised her himself. As a father-figure and her closest oppa who taught her to ride a bike, to sing along to her favorite songs from Disney movies, to microwave a bag of popcorn that popped the most kernels without burning, to do multiplication and division, to beat Bowser at the end of Super Mario World, to find the best street food on the way home from school, to love sour candies as well as chocolates, to take photographs, and - and -
This isn't where I belong, he thinks, his eyes burning and mirroring the tears flooding Sungmin's. And this isn't what I should be doing. Sungmin shouldn't be begging for it, either.
Sungmin blinks angelically and more tears leak from the corners of her eyes, trailing down the side of her face toward her ears, and Kyuhyun feels the conflict brewing in his stomach, bubbling like acid, throbbing and pulsing like Sungmin's heat against his thigh. His heart races and his eyes sting and his hand shakes as it reluctantly draws away from her breast.
Kyuhyun opens his mouth, shocked, prepared to apologize but I'm sorry sounds useless in his head and it's all he can hear. I'm sorry, Sungmin. Little girl. I'm like your father. Our bond is thicker than blood. We're more than family. That's why I can't do this to you. That's why I tried so hard to stay away, because I knew I was weak enough to eventually wind up in this situation and hurt your trust.
"I - I'm -" he stutters brokenly, and Sungmin bites her lip, beautiful features cringing as she continues to cry. One of her hands leaves his neck to grab his retreating hand, clutching it tightly even as he struggles to pull away.
"Why?" She asks, voice hoarse and almost impossible to make out. "Why not?" She demands, clinging tighter to his neck when he tries to shift away, pulling herself up to straddle his thigh and try to keep him closer. Kyuhyun turns his head away when she leans in, feels her tear-soaked cheek brush his, her wet lips press tenderly to the base of his ear. His hands find her hips, trying to hold her in place while he slips backward off the bed, but she won't have it, won't let go, pulls on his arm and follows him off the bed, pushing herself against him.
"Why are you doing this?" Kyuhyun asks with a shaking voice, frustration festering with self-loathing as he continues determinedly to try and untangle himself from Sungmin's persisting hands.
"Why did you do this?" Sungmin cries, grabbing hold of Kyuhyun's wrist. "You did this," she insists brokenly, her voice cracked and husky, tears continuing to stream down her face as Kyuhyun refuses to make eye contact. He bites the inside of his cheek hard when Sungmin puts his hand back on her hip where he had pushed her dress up, exposing the jut of her hip bone, the thin waistband of her dark underwear, and the full length of her sculpted and tan thigh. "You did this," she repeats, moving his reluctant hand to her bare shoulder where he had pushed the strap of her dress down. Kyuhyun feels the blood pooling in his mouth from biting open the inside of his cheek and finally meets her eyes when she drags his hand down her chest, cupping the half-exposed swell of her breast.
"Sungmin, stop," he pleads, jerking his hand back as if he's been burned. The sudden movement causes Sungmin to flinch, and he can see betrayal in her eyes as she stares at him. She's open and vulnerable and Kyuhyun fights his body's instinct to go to her, to take her back into his arms, to hold her tight and kiss her temple and tell her he's sorry, that everything will be okay, don't cry little girl.
But if he does he won't be strong enough to stop there. He's hurt her enough: better to stop now than continue until he can't anymore.
"I'm sorry, Sungmin," he murmurs and hates how the words sound like a broken record. He's apologized to her more times than he can count. "Happy Birthday," he barely breathes, turning his back on her quickly because he is a fucking spineless asshole and he can't bear to see her crying any longer.
Maybe you shouldn't have given her anything to cry about then. Hm? Did you ever think of that?
"Why?" Sungmin asks just before Kyuhyun opens the door, but he opens it regardless and the sounds of the party downstairs mock the intimacy of her bedroom, of her rumpled blankets where Kyuhyun laid her down and intended to - "Are you going to leave again, Kyuhyun?" She demands as he starts walking out the door. "Just like that? Like always?" She begs, but Kyuhyun is making his way down the hall, stumbling down the stairs and into the commotion of the party where people are slightly more drunk than before, Sungmin's voice listless and disembodied and attached only to the memory of how she felt beneath him. Kyuhyun feels like a thousand accusing eyes are zeroed in on him as he makes his way clumsily through the clusters of dancing, laughing, happy party-goers; he feels like everyone can see him crying even when he furtively brushes each falling tear away. He almost makes it to the door when a bony hand grabs him roughly by the bicep and spins him around.
"What did you -" Eunhyuk starts harshly, voice hard and accusing until she sees Kyuhyun face-to-face, close enough to see the redness around his watery eyes and the dampness of his cheeks. Kyuhyun hopes his lips don't look as bruised as they feel. "...do," she finishes lamely, much quieter, her brows furrowing and eyes growing concerned. Kyuhyun looks away and rubs his free hand across his face, trying to get rid of the tears. "What did you do?" She demands again, tugging on his arm, and Kyuhyun winces.
Yes, Kyuhyun. What did you do? Going to man up yet or keep your secrets like a little bitch?
"I - I - shouldn't have done that," he chokes, twisting out of Eunhyuk strong grip, curling his fingers into his palm. "I'm sorry, I said I was sorry, I told her I was sorry -"
"Isn't that what you always tell her?" Eunhyuk snaps angrily; Kyuhyun's eyes widen as he looks at her sour expression, and he can see her bite the inside of her cheek. He wonders if this means Sungmin has told Eunhyuk everything he's ever done or said to hurt her. He isn't upset; Sungmin has a right to say what she will to her best friend, especially when Kyuhyun has been such a terrible oppa to her so often the last couple of years. But he's embarrassed - humiliated - more than he already was for having pushed himself onto Sungmin like some perverted, insatiable older man lusting after a younger girl. He may as well have attacked her and it's just another thing to add to Sungmin's laundry list of Horrible Shit Kyuhyun Has Done To Me That I Need To Tell Eunhyuk About.
"You should grow up, Kyuhyun," Eunhyuk says seriously, backing away into the crowd. "Sungmin already has," she adds before turning and shoving her way through the crowd of people, taking the stairs up to Sungmin two at a time, even in her dress and heels.
Kyuhyun is left standing by the door, completely detached and disaffected and numb, staring unseeingly after Eunhyuk even when she's gone.
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Kyuhyun/girl!Sungmin; PG-15 (might change); 20334 words; chaptered
Kyuhyun's best friend will always be his little girl, even when she grows up.
a/n: Happy 2011~ tbh I felt unsure about this chapter but if I continued to contemplate/edit I would have abandoned the story, so I hope you are not disappointed~ I changed the rating to PG-15 even though I honestly don't know that it needed to be? but thank you for reading :3
part 1 | part 2 | part 3 | part 4 | part 5
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Kyuhyun smoothes his hands nervously down his stomach over his tweed vest, feeling the rippled buttons under his clammy fingertips as he stares at his reflection in his bathroom mirror - his hair parted and styled handsomely, his face newly washed and moisturized.
This is pathetic, he thinks.You still haven't fucking grown up yet, have you? his conscience laughs at him. You're like a teenager preparing for your first date! It mocks, and Kyuhyun's face flushes further, making him feel hot enough that he has to pull off his glasses to splash cold water on his face. He doesn't want to acknowledge the voice and that it's completely right, because it's pathetic on two accounts: that it's the truth, and that he is psychotic enough to acknowledge a voice in his head.
"I just want to look nice because it's her birthday," he grits out, shoving his glasses back on his face before pulling his dark navy blazer onto his shoulders. "She always dresses up and so do her friends," he murmurs to himself before abandoning his reflection. Even out of adolescence, he will never be completely happy with what he sees: his skin is that of a teenager who doesn't know how to wash himself, his eyes are crooked, his smile is awkward and geeky.
"Whatever," he mutters, fingers fidgeting with his bowtie. Sungmin is his little girl: she doesn't care how he looks, just that he shows up like he promised. His promises are all that ever seem to matter to her, and the least he could do is actually keep one this time.
Kyuhyun pockets a house key even though he shouldn't need it, and his cell phone, then gently slides the large, heavy canvas bag onto his shoulder, careful to not jostle Sungmin's birthday present.
"Have fun, Kyuhyunnie! Tell Sungmin happy birthday from us!" His mother calls as he passes his parents' bedroom on the way down the hall. He raises a hand in acknowledgement and takes his time going down the stairs, careful not to slip.
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There's a light dusting of powdery snow on Kyuhyun's shoulders and dark hair when he lets himself in through Sungmin's front door. There's music playing throughout the entire house, but it's not obnoxiously loud; it's crowded, but not oppressively, and Kyuhyun marvels at how popular Sungmin must be. Even though most of the guests are teenagers, some in their first years of college, they're all dressed chicly and sipping wine or water, mingling and talking and dancing. Kyuhyun doesn't really recognize any of them but he hadn't expected to. Probably Eunhyuk will pop out of nowhere when he least expects her, or-
"Kyuhyun oppa?"
Kyuhyun turns and does a double-take, because Eunhyuk has grown up since he saw her last. It's kind of aggravating how teenage girls tend to do that. She's looking him over skeptically, suspiciously, before a slow smile spreads her lips and Kyuhyun narrows his eyes.
"What are you plotting?" He accuses, clutching the heavy bag tighter to his side when people shuffle around them, eyeing her warily. He never thought he'd see the lanky girl in such a short party dress that hugged her slender waist before puffing out, then narrowing back in tightly around her thighs, barely covering her backside. He figures it's fashionable and the style has a name, and that all girls grow up eventually, but it's still a shock to Kyuhyun.
Eunhyuk grins and keeps her secrets to herself. "Nothing, nothing at all~ You're like a skeleton, oppa. How dare you show up here looking like this, you'll hurt Sungmin's feelings," she teases, although Kyuhyun knows Eunhyuk always speaks her mind, it's just a matter of how she colors it.
"She already gave me shit for it the other night, thanks," Kyuhyun sniffs. "How have you been? You went to a dance program with Sungmin, right?"
"Like a billion years ago, jeez," Eunhyuk huffs and grabs his arm, looping it with her own as she begins to lead him through the clusters of people, elbowing her way through like a professional. "You should come home more often to catch up with everyone - nice bowtie, by the way - I'm going to school for dance next year with Donghae, and Minnie would've come too, but - ah, there she is, Sungminnie-yah!" Eunhyuk calls, pushing Kyuhyun out in front of her as if she's feeding him to a pack of hungry wolves. "I've brought you what you've always wanted~" she choruses merrily, and Kyuhyun finally realizes Eunhyuk is probably on her third glass of wine already.
He blinks at his new surroundings and feels his cheeks flush under the scrutiny of everyone in the room who turns to look at him. Kyuhyun can hear some unfamiliar people nearby whispering loudly, asking who he is, before Sungmin finally manages to squeeze herself out from within the dense group of people cluttered near the kitchen counter that's covered in wine bottles.
"Yah, you really came!" She practically squeals, throwing herself at him before he can even get a good look at her. Kyuhyun stumbles back slightly, gripping the heavy bag on his shoulder with one arm while wrapping the other around Sungmin's slim waistline. Eunhyuk's bony fingers push him further out into the kitchen, away from the wall, as if she knows his birthday gift for Sungmin is delicate. Eunhyuk has always seemed to know what's going on and what's going to happen before it happens. Kyuhyun thinks perhaps he should've kept in better touch with her over the years.
"You aren't already drunk are you?" He accuses, only half-aware of Sungmin's friends who are trying to pretend that they aren't watching them. Sungmin whines playfully and pulls back but keeps her arms around his neck, then delicately starts to brush away the snow from his head and shoulders.
"As if! I'll be able to drink you under the table one day, just wait!"
Kyuhyun decides she isn't drunk and grins, taking in the sight of her bright, shining eyes and excited smile. Sungmin was always so vibrant on her birthdays, surrounded by her friends, and tonight is no exception - she looks radiant. Kyuhyun holds her out at arm's length and bites the inside of his cheek: his little girl is wearing a rather little, black dress, one that barely goes down to the middle of her thighs and fits her body tighter than he wants it to. Or rather tighter than he should want it to. Her shapely legs are covered by sheer, patterned black tights and Kyuhyun can see the tan skin showing through even in the dim light. He figures Sungmin got dressed after her parents went out for the night and feels a pang of parental concern in his chest.
"Did you bring me a gift?" Sungmin asks excitedly, pushing closer and standing on her toes to try and peer into the bag on his shoulder. Kyuhyun laughs genuinely at her curiosity and focuses on that instead of her long dark hair hanging over her bare shoulders, or the low neckline of her dress, or the raspberry color of her sticky lips.
"Of course; it's your birthday, isn't it?" He teases, pinching her side, and Sungmin squirms and tries to pull the bag down off his shoulder.
"Can I open it now, oppa? Can I?" She begs, sounding so much like her younger self, gazing up at him with wide, dark eyes.
Kyuhyun swallows and tugs at his collar, noticing that some people are still eyeing them curiously. Eunhyuk moves past him and starts talking to a circle of boys, one of whom slides his arm around her waist. Kyuhyun's brow furrows for a moment, distracted, before warm hands cup his face and tip it downward.
"Are you ignoring me, Kyu? I want to see what you got for me, please? I can open it in my room if you want," Sungmin offers, and Kyuhyun wonders if his uneasiness in the setting has led her to believe it's a fairly personal gift. Well, it is, he figures.
"But your party -" he worries, and Sungmin just smiles and squishes his cheeks playfully, causing him to pout.
"It's okay, Eunhyuk-ah will take care of things while I'm gone. It won't take long, right?" Sungmin doesn't wait for an answer, just takes Kyuhyun's free hand in her own and starts leading him back through the house, away from the guests, the noise, and the inhibition of watchful eyes.
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"Yah, I don't know why I always want to have a party for my birthday, they're so tiring," Sungmin sighs and flops back onto her bed. She curls onto her side and pulls her legs up, toes curling in her tights and chunky, startlingly high heels, and Kyuhyun smiles nervously as he pushes her bedroom door closed with a slightly trembling hand. "I suspect most people just come because it's New Year's Day and they want free alcohol," she says thoughtfully, eyes fluttering shut tiredly. Kyuhyun stays put near the door, watching his little girl as she nearly falls asleep, looking innocent and seductive all at once. He grits his teeth and banishes the thought from his mind, focusing instead on her walls covered with photographs, not her thighs and dangerously short dress.
"Min," he starts, voice quiet. The noise of the party is dulled significantly now that they're upstairs and the door is closed, but Sungmin looks so sleepy that he wants her to rest. "My gift isn't really all that special, I'm sorry," he says sheepishly, cheeks flushing as he looks down, gently laying the heavy bag on top of her pink blankets, beside her curled up figure. "It's hard for a guy my age to know what to get for a girl your age," he explains lamely.
He watches Sungmin's eyes flutter open. The look she gives him isn't pleased, but nor is it accusing. Perhaps dissatisfied, or discontent.
"I thought I'll always be your little girl," she says softly, reaching out to run her fingertips over the edge of the large, shallow box peeking out of the bag. "If that's true, then it shouldn't be so hard... you know me better than anyone, Kyu," she confesses, fingertips prying at the lid on the box, trying to lift it open.
Kyuhyun snatches her fingertips in reprimand and tugs the box further away from her. She pouts and pulls her hand back, clutching it to her chest. Kyuhyun doesn't want to confess to her that sometimes he feels like he doesn't know her at all. If he only looks at her, like now, and sees her dressed to kill, looking like she crawled off the pages of a fashion magazine and laid herself out for him, he barely even recognizes her.
"What about Eunhyuk-ah?" He asks instead, busying himself with pulling the box from within the canvas bag, tossing the latter aside. Sungmin pushes herself up and curls her legs to her side in a desperate bid at modesty while watching Kyuhyun's hands with interest.
"That's not fair," Sungmin mutters under her breath, drawing her pretty red fingernails over her pink bedspread playfully. "Of course she knows things you don't," she nearly whispers, and Kyuhyun wonders if they are things he desperately wants to know, like has Sungmin ever thought of him as more than her nerdy oppa, or things better kept between girls, like who took Sungmin's first kiss. Kyuhyun bites the inside of his cheek again.
"Well then let's hope you haven't really changed much after all," he says with a hopeful smile, and Sungmin grins back at him widely. She slides her legs beneath herself and begins to bounce playfully on the bed, dark curls flouncing about her face, and Kyuhyun can't help laughing. She may look dolled up like a young woman, may have the figure of one, may be turning eighteen years old today, but she's still so much like the little girl he cared for all those years ago. Perhaps she will stay that way forever.
"I really didn't know what to get you," he apologizes again while lifting the lid carefully off the large, shallow box. Sungmin's eyes sparkle with impatience and eagerness, and Kyuhyun wets his lips. "But you'll go to school soon, and I didn't think you'd be able to take all your photographs with you. So I had some prints made, and..." Kyuhyun sort of trails off, setting a bulky, leather package aside before pulling away a protective cloth to reveal the large photograph beneath, encased in a dark wooden frame and displayed behind pristine glass. Sungmin inhales sharply when she sees the picture and pushes herself up onto her knees, inching closer so she can look down at it more properly. Her thin fingers reach out, bright red nails and gentle fingertips caressing the intricate carvings of the frame Kyuhyun begged Yesung to craft by hand.
"Kyuhyun," Sungmin exhales heavily, eyes wide as they scan the print. "This... I took this, didn't I? This summer, I... and you..." she murmurs breathlessly, bringing her hand to her mouth, as if speechless or shocked.
Kyuhyun's stomach turns when she finally looks up at him. His heart is beating a mile a minute, desperate for her to like her gift, and when he sees her wide eyes full of tears, he thinks he's fucked up or done the wrong thing, or -
"You really had this printed?" Sungmin asks, voice thick as she fights her tears, lips trembling behind her fingertips.
"I'm sorry," Kyuhyun chokes, face hot and fingers digging into his palms as his eyes dart nervously back and forth between hers. "I thought you'd like it for your dorm or apartment, wherever you go. I really loved all the pictures you sent me last summer," he confesses, blushing like a child, pursing his lips awkwardly for a moment. "I wished we could've spent one last summer together before you really grow up and move out, so it meant a lot... us exchanging pictures and... the pictures you sent of the sea reminded me of when you were younger, so -"
The tears spill from Sungmin's eyes suddenly and she buries her face in her hands. Kyuhyun chokes again and steps forward, reaching for her instinctively, any impure thoughts pushed to the back of his mind when he sees his little girl upset, and because of him no less.
"I'm sorry," he apologizes once more, brushing her long dark hair from her face, watching a few tendrils catch in her tear tracks when his thumb brushes through them.
"Stop apologizing, Kyu," Sungmin whispers hoarsely, wiping her tears away with trembling fingers, sniffling and hiccupping once. "Stop, just stop," she breathes and wraps her arms around his shoulders, pulling him closer.
Kyuhyun feels like he's melting into her when she buries her face in his neck and clutches him tightly. He can feel her shaking and hurries to smooth his hands down her back and sides, kissing the crown of her head carefully with his own quivering lips.
There's something in his chest that hurts so fucking much in that moment. Kyuhyun realizes how much time he's wasted over the past couple years, worrying about his disgusting desires and how inappropriate they are, how insulting they are to his little girl, his little Sungmin who deserves the world and not someone like him thinking about her like that when he should be caring for her like this. He kept running away to avoid the situation, always falling back into the trap, unable to stop or move on. And now it's finally dawned on him; the realization that Sungmin has actually grown up, and it's not a matter of her waiting for him to come home from college and visit her anymore. Now she'll leave when the semester is over. She'll become an adult and go to school away from home and when they're apart, she'll begin to forget him. She won't have the constant reminder of her oppa because she won't be living where they made their memories and she'll have other things to worry about, other places and other people.
Sungmin is not three years old anymore. Sungmin is eighteen and Kyuhyun thinks he's loved her since she first peered at him nervously over her mother's shoulder, since he brought her a pink tulip with the dirty root still attached, since her chubby little fingers took it from his grasp.
"Kyuhyun," Sungmin murmurs, and he can feel it against his throat. His body becomes hyper-aware of how close they are, of every curve under his stroking hands, of how warm she feels despite her little dress, of how much he wants her to always be his little girl. Sungmin pulls back, but not far enough, and peers up at him with her watery eyes and tear-stained cheeks. Her mascara is smudged only slightly, and her hair is a bit ruffled, but Kyuhyun thinks she looks beautiful like this, like he could wake up in the morning and roll over and see her this way or any way and be perfectly happy, content, pleased... so long as she's there. He cups her face and brushes his thumbs over her cheeks, cleaning away the tears, feeling the wetness on his skin. Sungmin's eyes flutter shut with his motions, and her full lips part and inhale delicately, and Kyuhyun can't stop it.
He leans in, closes the gap where their breaths mingle, and presses his lips to hers. Kyuhyun can't know how she initially reacts because he's drowning in his realized dream: Sungmin's lips feel full and soft and sticky with lip gloss and they fit with his like pieces in a jigsaw puzzle - one perfect match out of thousands of bad fits. He cradles the back of her head with one hand and reaches his other arm down around her waist, pulling her flush to him again. His mouth moves gently but hungrily and it takes him a minute to realize that Sungmin is responding. She's clinging to him tighter than before, kissing him back, pressing herself to him and holding on for dear life when he climbs onto the bed and lays her down beneath him. Kyuhyun's knee brushes the thick wooden frame beside them as he lays over her, still cradling the back of her skull tenderly with one hand. The other travels down her side, over her hip, caresses down her thigh and catches her short dress. His fingers burrow beneath it, brush the hemline up, and Kyuhyun feels the textured pattern of her tights over the heat of her thighs.
Sungmin moans but instead of the sound waking him up, it's like throwing water on a grease fire. Kyuhyun is desperate and Sungmin feels perfect beneath him; she's eager like he would never have imagined her to be, tugging him closer by little fistfuls of his hair, biting his lip when he releases hers, arching her body against his so he can feel her heat - the blood pumping frantically through each of her veins. Kyuhyun's hand leaves the back of her skull to drag down her throat, fingers catching on the strap of her dress, tugging it down over her shoulder far enough to expose the heaving swell of her breast. He cups her breast with one hand, feeling the warm, silky texture of her skin in contrast with the stiff cotton of her dress, and pulls her thigh up against his hip, feeling the fiery heat of the inside of her thigh pressed tight against him through his slacks.
Another moan resounds when Sungmin pushes herself against his thigh, a mixture of both their voices. The heat and pressure of Sungmin's core against his tense muscles is intoxicating, and he feels dizzy and light-headed from kissing her so feverishly. His lips draw back for a moment, sticky and swollen, but his hips push down and Sungmin cries.
"Please," she breathes out, her voice husky and shaking and so needy that if Kyuhyun had one more distraction, like her lips still biting and kissing his own, he would proceed to take her without a second thought. But he's breathing oxygen instead of the deep red wine of Sungmin's tongue and breath, and his eyes open to see hers still filled with tears, damp tracks escaping, lips bruised red and lip gloss smudged. Her chest is still heaving, breathless beneath him, and his hand is still clutching her breast. His other hand frozen behind her thigh, just above the knee, holds her in place against him.
Sungmin, his Sungmin, his little girl is open beneath him, ready and willing to violate their tender relationship. Kyuhyun is on top of her, caging her in, leaving her nowhere to go but further into him. She's small and delicate and trembling and Kyuhyun feels like this is the only place he can be sure she's safe from all the things he's been dreading as she grows up - boys, boys who won't treat her well, boys who will care more about themselves than her, boys who don't know her like he does, boys who will touch her when they have no business laying their hands on her, boys who will hurt her and yet... Kyuhyun is no better. He has no more right to be with her like this than someone her own age, someone who doesn't have a relationship with her like Kyuhyun does - someone who may as well have raised her himself. As a father-figure and her closest oppa who taught her to ride a bike, to sing along to her favorite songs from Disney movies, to microwave a bag of popcorn that popped the most kernels without burning, to do multiplication and division, to beat Bowser at the end of Super Mario World, to find the best street food on the way home from school, to love sour candies as well as chocolates, to take photographs, and - and -
This isn't where I belong, he thinks, his eyes burning and mirroring the tears flooding Sungmin's. And this isn't what I should be doing. Sungmin shouldn't be begging for it, either.
Sungmin blinks angelically and more tears leak from the corners of her eyes, trailing down the side of her face toward her ears, and Kyuhyun feels the conflict brewing in his stomach, bubbling like acid, throbbing and pulsing like Sungmin's heat against his thigh. His heart races and his eyes sting and his hand shakes as it reluctantly draws away from her breast.
Kyuhyun opens his mouth, shocked, prepared to apologize but I'm sorry sounds useless in his head and it's all he can hear. I'm sorry, Sungmin. Little girl. I'm like your father. Our bond is thicker than blood. We're more than family. That's why I can't do this to you. That's why I tried so hard to stay away, because I knew I was weak enough to eventually wind up in this situation and hurt your trust.
"I - I'm -" he stutters brokenly, and Sungmin bites her lip, beautiful features cringing as she continues to cry. One of her hands leaves his neck to grab his retreating hand, clutching it tightly even as he struggles to pull away.
"Why?" She asks, voice hoarse and almost impossible to make out. "Why not?" She demands, clinging tighter to his neck when he tries to shift away, pulling herself up to straddle his thigh and try to keep him closer. Kyuhyun turns his head away when she leans in, feels her tear-soaked cheek brush his, her wet lips press tenderly to the base of his ear. His hands find her hips, trying to hold her in place while he slips backward off the bed, but she won't have it, won't let go, pulls on his arm and follows him off the bed, pushing herself against him.
"Why are you doing this?" Kyuhyun asks with a shaking voice, frustration festering with self-loathing as he continues determinedly to try and untangle himself from Sungmin's persisting hands.
"Why did you do this?" Sungmin cries, grabbing hold of Kyuhyun's wrist. "You did this," she insists brokenly, her voice cracked and husky, tears continuing to stream down her face as Kyuhyun refuses to make eye contact. He bites the inside of his cheek hard when Sungmin puts his hand back on her hip where he had pushed her dress up, exposing the jut of her hip bone, the thin waistband of her dark underwear, and the full length of her sculpted and tan thigh. "You did this," she repeats, moving his reluctant hand to her bare shoulder where he had pushed the strap of her dress down. Kyuhyun feels the blood pooling in his mouth from biting open the inside of his cheek and finally meets her eyes when she drags his hand down her chest, cupping the half-exposed swell of her breast.
"Sungmin, stop," he pleads, jerking his hand back as if he's been burned. The sudden movement causes Sungmin to flinch, and he can see betrayal in her eyes as she stares at him. She's open and vulnerable and Kyuhyun fights his body's instinct to go to her, to take her back into his arms, to hold her tight and kiss her temple and tell her he's sorry, that everything will be okay, don't cry little girl.
But if he does he won't be strong enough to stop there. He's hurt her enough: better to stop now than continue until he can't anymore.
"I'm sorry, Sungmin," he murmurs and hates how the words sound like a broken record. He's apologized to her more times than he can count. "Happy Birthday," he barely breathes, turning his back on her quickly because he is a fucking spineless asshole and he can't bear to see her crying any longer.
Maybe you shouldn't have given her anything to cry about then. Hm? Did you ever think of that?
"Why?" Sungmin asks just before Kyuhyun opens the door, but he opens it regardless and the sounds of the party downstairs mock the intimacy of her bedroom, of her rumpled blankets where Kyuhyun laid her down and intended to - "Are you going to leave again, Kyuhyun?" She demands as he starts walking out the door. "Just like that? Like always?" She begs, but Kyuhyun is making his way down the hall, stumbling down the stairs and into the commotion of the party where people are slightly more drunk than before, Sungmin's voice listless and disembodied and attached only to the memory of how she felt beneath him. Kyuhyun feels like a thousand accusing eyes are zeroed in on him as he makes his way clumsily through the clusters of dancing, laughing, happy party-goers; he feels like everyone can see him crying even when he furtively brushes each falling tear away. He almost makes it to the door when a bony hand grabs him roughly by the bicep and spins him around.
"What did you -" Eunhyuk starts harshly, voice hard and accusing until she sees Kyuhyun face-to-face, close enough to see the redness around his watery eyes and the dampness of his cheeks. Kyuhyun hopes his lips don't look as bruised as they feel. "...do," she finishes lamely, much quieter, her brows furrowing and eyes growing concerned. Kyuhyun looks away and rubs his free hand across his face, trying to get rid of the tears. "What did you do?" She demands again, tugging on his arm, and Kyuhyun winces.
Yes, Kyuhyun. What did you do? Going to man up yet or keep your secrets like a little bitch?
"I - I - shouldn't have done that," he chokes, twisting out of Eunhyuk strong grip, curling his fingers into his palm. "I'm sorry, I said I was sorry, I told her I was sorry -"
"Isn't that what you always tell her?" Eunhyuk snaps angrily; Kyuhyun's eyes widen as he looks at her sour expression, and he can see her bite the inside of her cheek. He wonders if this means Sungmin has told Eunhyuk everything he's ever done or said to hurt her. He isn't upset; Sungmin has a right to say what she will to her best friend, especially when Kyuhyun has been such a terrible oppa to her so often the last couple of years. But he's embarrassed - humiliated - more than he already was for having pushed himself onto Sungmin like some perverted, insatiable older man lusting after a younger girl. He may as well have attacked her and it's just another thing to add to Sungmin's laundry list of Horrible Shit Kyuhyun Has Done To Me That I Need To Tell Eunhyuk About.
"You should grow up, Kyuhyun," Eunhyuk says seriously, backing away into the crowd. "Sungmin already has," she adds before turning and shoving her way through the crowd of people, taking the stairs up to Sungmin two at a time, even in her dress and heels.
Kyuhyun is left standing by the door, completely detached and disaffected and numb, staring unseeingly after Eunhyuk even when she's gone.
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