Incoming wall of text behind a cut, but it's really revealing.
It's late. I have too much on my mind. Maybe this will help, maybe it will hurt too much, who knows, but here it goes. It's like a giant PostSecret in here.
I miss my family. Not the ones I've adopted, (even though I can safely say I would still choose adopted over blood if I had to) but the ones I stayed with for 18 years. I never really contact them because there's too many mixed feelings over how things happened, so it's better for them if I just stay away. That situation is never likely to change, but sometimes I wish it would. Just so I could say I love them right to them without all the awkwardness and animosity. Just so I could give them my genuine well-wishes. So I could say that it's okay and I'm okay with everything. So I could maybe answer questions about life that my cousins might be too afraid to ask anyone else.
That being said, it sucks living like one's parents are dead. For all I know at this point my mother actually -is- dead. I haven't liked mother's day since elementary school... because I didn't really have a mom. I had lots of things and people attempt to fill that void, but it never worked out quite right. I didn't have a mom to ask about boys because she was 16 when she got married and didn't know anything about them anyway. I didn't have someone to talk about motherhood with because -I- took care of -her- and asking anyone else would be weird. And because of the mom I -did- have I didn't have a very normal life. Sure, that has shaped a lot of the person I am today, but a small part of me is still bitter. I give a lot of credit to the people that tried. It's not easy stepping into the life of a child or teenager when you have no idea whose toes you might step on by doing so.
I miss the times when it was still innocent to hang out with my father in front of the t.v. and watch South Park even though that was for kids in high school and college and not junior high girls. I wish that never changed. I know I'm not the complete reason it did. In the same breath I wish it had never changed, I'm glad it happened the way it did because I learned a lot.
The first step of healing and not being a victim is acknowledging the tough stuff about the situation... especially seeing the silver lining of it and accepting its existence rather than giving over to the preconception that the experience could only be negative and no good could ever be a part of it. -endrunon- Even though it had changed by the time it happened, I miss watching subbed vs. dubbed anime and flipping between the two to decide, often rewatching entire episodes. It was a twisted metaphor for my own thoughts and fears and procrastination.
I miss going through Confirmation knowing that it helped me make the final decision to live my life by my own standards and beliefs rather than go along with my church and Christianity... that I truly felt like there was more to it all and I couldn't change that belief in my heart. I miss singing in the choir and being able to appreciate the music. I miss participating knowing that I didn't believe the same but still standing in awe of the power inside the people following a faith that worked for them. I enjoy objectively experiencing worship and culture, especially when I fit in so well that it feels and looks to the participants that I'm participating with them. It might seem wrong to observe that way, but any other way would irreparably change and even destroy what is being observed.
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... and secret rollerblading in the rain ... and the feeling when I realized I would never fit in and that was a good thing ... treating people to little luxuries ... being there when shit hit the fan for someone else ... spotting computer solutions when everyone else already looked ... making cookies and candies ... helping clean up the pins by the sewing machine ... getting people their drinks and finding room for everything that lived on the kitchen table when company comes over ... helping set up Thanksgiving and making the kids useful ... swimming in the green pool in late spring to get the pears so they didn't clog up the vacuum, then eating pears while swimming in the summer ... getting things I didn't ask for for Christmas ... finding the perfect gift for one of my cousins on their birthday ... keeping track of who likes what cake in what month ... helping drama club boys with makeup and singing while wearing every hat in the production ... being the band nerd that people asked for help ... seeing teenagers through the field of gossip because I heard both sides and they knew it ...
-------------------------
Missing all these things doesn't mean they were never replaced in my life, or even that they were. There's a lot of things that came with them that I really DON'T miss. Right now there is the possibility of huge life changes, and it makes me look back on what used to fill my life before the last major change. So much of it was so long ago that it will never matter. I'll never have family to go back to when shit hits the fan, even though I may have friends who would be there just like they were family. I'll never have a normal Mother's Day, or any other family-oriented holiday until I have a family of my own with even that being no guarantee. There are no hand-me-downs or things to uphold because they were always that way. There is no way to celebrate the way things were all those years ago. There is no past anymore, even if I miss it. Dwelling on it so much the last year has done nothing good for me.
BUT
I get to forge my own traditions and borrow from EVERYONE else to make it my own. My future kids (if I decide to have any) won't have to go to 3-5 different Christmases and Thanksgivings. No one I talk to regularly has my baby pictures or early photos. I don't have 10 shoe boxes full of pictures I have to consult 10 people about to figure out their context and organize them into something meaningful before I die. No one really expects me to send them anything for a special occasion. Resourcefulness and the strength of will to make it through are little comfort but are great tools. There are a lot of things in the way of moving forward for me right now, but I can take these things on one at a time. Eventually, it will look and feel like forward motion. It will be a future. Right now, it is nothing but hope, pipe dreams, and foolishness.
Now that I've gotten it down somewhere it seems a little more organized in my brain. In journaling, you have to allow yourself to be contradictory and to just catharsize without overabundant censorship. The biggest part of this process for me is leaving this mental wound to the air. I'm tired of feeling depressed, profoundly sad (which are not mutually inclusive or exclusive of one another), and then manic. I'm tired of missing so much even though I have so much. For me to have a more positive look on what I have, I need to reflect on the positive and negative of my past for a little bit.... and then be done with it.
I miss my family. Not the ones I've adopted, (even though I can safely say I would still choose adopted over blood if I had to) but the ones I stayed with for 18 years. I never really contact them because there's too many mixed feelings over how things happened, so it's better for them if I just stay away. That situation is never likely to change, but sometimes I wish it would. Just so I could say I love them right to them without all the awkwardness and animosity. Just so I could give them my genuine well-wishes. So I could say that it's okay and I'm okay with everything. So I could maybe answer questions about life that my cousins might be too afraid to ask anyone else.
That being said, it sucks living like one's parents are dead. For all I know at this point my mother actually -is- dead. I haven't liked mother's day since elementary school... because I didn't really have a mom. I had lots of things and people attempt to fill that void, but it never worked out quite right. I didn't have a mom to ask about boys because she was 16 when she got married and didn't know anything about them anyway. I didn't have someone to talk about motherhood with because -I- took care of -her- and asking anyone else would be weird. And because of the mom I -did- have I didn't have a very normal life. Sure, that has shaped a lot of the person I am today, but a small part of me is still bitter. I give a lot of credit to the people that tried. It's not easy stepping into the life of a child or teenager when you have no idea whose toes you might step on by doing so.
I miss the times when it was still innocent to hang out with my father in front of the t.v. and watch South Park even though that was for kids in high school and college and not junior high girls. I wish that never changed. I know I'm not the complete reason it did. In the same breath I wish it had never changed, I'm glad it happened the way it did because I learned a lot.
The first step of healing and not being a victim is acknowledging the tough stuff about the situation... especially seeing the silver lining of it and accepting its existence rather than giving over to the preconception that the experience could only be negative and no good could ever be a part of it. -endrunon- Even though it had changed by the time it happened, I miss watching subbed vs. dubbed anime and flipping between the two to decide, often rewatching entire episodes. It was a twisted metaphor for my own thoughts and fears and procrastination.
I miss going through Confirmation knowing that it helped me make the final decision to live my life by my own standards and beliefs rather than go along with my church and Christianity... that I truly felt like there was more to it all and I couldn't change that belief in my heart. I miss singing in the choir and being able to appreciate the music. I miss participating knowing that I didn't believe the same but still standing in awe of the power inside the people following a faith that worked for them. I enjoy objectively experiencing worship and culture, especially when I fit in so well that it feels and looks to the participants that I'm participating with them. It might seem wrong to observe that way, but any other way would irreparably change and even destroy what is being observed.
-------------------------
... and secret rollerblading in the rain ... and the feeling when I realized I would never fit in and that was a good thing ... treating people to little luxuries ... being there when shit hit the fan for someone else ... spotting computer solutions when everyone else already looked ... making cookies and candies ... helping clean up the pins by the sewing machine ... getting people their drinks and finding room for everything that lived on the kitchen table when company comes over ... helping set up Thanksgiving and making the kids useful ... swimming in the green pool in late spring to get the pears so they didn't clog up the vacuum, then eating pears while swimming in the summer ... getting things I didn't ask for for Christmas ... finding the perfect gift for one of my cousins on their birthday ... keeping track of who likes what cake in what month ... helping drama club boys with makeup and singing while wearing every hat in the production ... being the band nerd that people asked for help ... seeing teenagers through the field of gossip because I heard both sides and they knew it ...
-------------------------
Missing all these things doesn't mean they were never replaced in my life, or even that they were. There's a lot of things that came with them that I really DON'T miss. Right now there is the possibility of huge life changes, and it makes me look back on what used to fill my life before the last major change. So much of it was so long ago that it will never matter. I'll never have family to go back to when shit hits the fan, even though I may have friends who would be there just like they were family. I'll never have a normal Mother's Day, or any other family-oriented holiday until I have a family of my own with even that being no guarantee. There are no hand-me-downs or things to uphold because they were always that way. There is no way to celebrate the way things were all those years ago. There is no past anymore, even if I miss it. Dwelling on it so much the last year has done nothing good for me.
BUT
I get to forge my own traditions and borrow from EVERYONE else to make it my own. My future kids (if I decide to have any) won't have to go to 3-5 different Christmases and Thanksgivings. No one I talk to regularly has my baby pictures or early photos. I don't have 10 shoe boxes full of pictures I have to consult 10 people about to figure out their context and organize them into something meaningful before I die. No one really expects me to send them anything for a special occasion. Resourcefulness and the strength of will to make it through are little comfort but are great tools. There are a lot of things in the way of moving forward for me right now, but I can take these things on one at a time. Eventually, it will look and feel like forward motion. It will be a future. Right now, it is nothing but hope, pipe dreams, and foolishness.
Now that I've gotten it down somewhere it seems a little more organized in my brain. In journaling, you have to allow yourself to be contradictory and to just catharsize without overabundant censorship. The biggest part of this process for me is leaving this mental wound to the air. I'm tired of feeling depressed, profoundly sad (which are not mutually inclusive or exclusive of one another), and then manic. I'm tired of missing so much even though I have so much. For me to have a more positive look on what I have, I need to reflect on the positive and negative of my past for a little bit.... and then be done with it.