Better or Worse? [Oneshot]
Title: Better or Worse?
Author: Ani
Genre: Angst
Rating: PG-13
Pairings: Chiitaro
Summary: What happens when what you want clashes with what is right? Will you be selfish...or not?
Disclaimer: I don't own JE
"What the hell, Ryutaro!?" Chinen yelled as he found his back flat up against the wall. He winced at the loud smack as Ryutaro's hands shot out next to his head.
"Do you know what time it is?" Ryutaro sounded equally irked, if not more, than Chinen was feeling. "Who in their sane mind runs away from home at this ungodly hour?"
"None of your business," Chinen snapped. "I can go where I want to go whenever I want. I'm old enough to take care of myself, unlike a certain someone else." He steamrollered over Ryutaro's protests. "Why aren't you sleeping? You still have school."
"Who do you think I am? I heard your friends talking hours ago wondering where you were. Did you think I wouldn't worry?" Ryutaro hissed, shoving his face into Chinen's so he was able to see the angry glint in the other boy's usually gentle eyes.
"You don't need to worry about me anymore." Roughly, Chinen pushed Ryutaro's arms out of his way and turned his back on him. He already closed the chapter he shared with the younger boy. There was nothing left between them and the last thing he expected while walking around the streets of his neighborhood aimlessly was to run into his ex. He tried to think of a place he could hide the rest of his days out. Maybe Yuuto.
"Chinen!" Ryutaro sounded exasperated. Chinen ignored him and continued to walk down the street. Prickles of irritation ran down Chinen's spine as he heard the other boy dogging his steps. "Chinen, wait, Chii-"
"Don't freaking call me that!" He spun around, feeling a nerve hit at hearing his nickname. They both stopped under a dim, broken street lamp so he couldn't see the expression on Ryutaro's face. Just as well. "We're over Ryutaro, so just leave me alone! Leave...me..." His tongue seemed to thicken as the words caught in his throat. To his fury, tears formed at the edge of his eyes, threatening to fall. "Goddamnit, I hate this! Curse it all, I hate this, I hate this!"
A jolt of fear coursed through him as a pair of familiar arms started to pulled him into an equally familiar and warm hug. "Don't! Stop it, Ryutaro, please!" Chinen begged, pushing himself away.
"Chii-" Ryutaro growled impatiently. He always had a short temper after all.
"It's better, you know it too," Chinen told him, almost pleadingly. "Don't do this, Ryutaro. It'll make it easier...later..."
"How do you know it's better? Did you really think it was better for us to break up? Do you really think it's better be alone everyday? That hurting now is better than hurting later, because the pain will be numbed by then and it won't be felt anymore? Is that really what you think?"
Chinen knew exactly what he thought. He knew what he wanted but it was different from what he should do. And when he tried to look into the future, he just couldn't see how it was possible to be with someone like Ryutaro.
"Yes." Was there worth in being selfish? "It's better, Ryutaro." Was there worth in staying together now only to be torn apart again at some unknown, future date? "You'll be happier this way." He had to swallow before continuing, to brace himself for the hurt he'll bring unto the other boy. "Besides, I don't like you anymore. What's the point in chasing after someone who doesn't have an interest in you?" Was there any worth in lying to himself? "There's none, Ryutaro! So just get on with your own life and leave me alone to mine."
"Is that really what you want?" Ryutaro finally asked quietly, after a long silence. "If I'm not with you, will that make you happier?"
In the dark, Chinen wondered if he just imagined the brief glimpse of a glistening tear. No, that's wrong, Ryutaro doesn't cry, he's not supposed to cry. He nodded and kept his head lowered, praying that Ryutaro would finally leave. Another minute passed, and then -
"Fine. Fine then. I don't want to be with someone who's not even honest to himself anyways."
When Chinen looked up again, the street was nearly deserted, except for one or two late night stragglers. Drained, his knees sank and he curled into a small ball by the side of the streets. He should be feeling triumphant; he finally got what he wanted. Instead, all he felt was a hollow sort of emptiness. He thought maybe this was how birds who lost their ability to fly felt. Grounded, weak, and hopeless. He knew the abyss in his heart was now so deep it would be nearly impossible to ever mend.
The days he had spend with Ryutaro had been the happiest in his life. Even when they had just been friends, he never laughed as much or enjoyed himself as much. Those were the days when simply seeing the other boy brought a smile to his face and if Ryutaro returned it, his stomach would lurch weirdly. He remembered the head pats he used to get from the other boy made his cheeks heat up and the accidental brushes of skin they had lingered long after Ryutaro had gone.
Then, then one day, Ryutaro cornered him in an empty classroom and pressed a firm kiss against his nervous stammers. It was the most terrifying experience Chinen had; at the same time, he never enjoyed anything more than the sensation of Ryutaro's lips moving over his and the fast beating of his heart as their bodies were pulled closer together.
Something cold and wet dropped on the back of hand. He fingered his face and found the tears streaming down uncontrollably. When he told Ryutaro he didn't like him anymore, he wasn't lying. If Chinen was allowed to be fully honest, he knew his feelings for Ryutaro had already grown beyond 'like.' That was why, even though it nearly killed him to do so, he had to push the other boy away, for the sake of both them.
Chinen jerked his head up as something warm was pressed against his tear-streaked cheek. "It's hot chocolate." The familiar voice made his heart flutter in a way it shouldn't.
"Ryu-chan!" The old nickname slipped out by habit, but Ryutaro didn't look bothered as he took Chinen's hand and tried to place the can in his palm, but Chinen pushed it back to him. "N-no...Ryutaro...I'm not taking it, I shouldn't- I mean I can't...take it...not if it's from you..."
"It's only hot chocolate." Frustratingly, Ryutaro slipped it into his pocket and smirked at whatever expression he had. "You can throw it away later if you want to." Like a magnet, Chinen found his eyes drawn into Ryutaro's dark ones. In there, he saw amusement dancing at the center; Ryutaro knew he wouldn't throw away anything he gave him and Chinen hated how the other boy knew better than he knew himself.
"You shouldn't cry. Angels aren't supposed to." Ryutaro continued as he tried to thumb the tears away, but Chinen jerked his head away, out of reach. "Chii, don't do this to me, please-"
"S-stop calling me that!" Chinen swatted at his hands, trying to keep him away, but the other boy persistently grabbed him. Instead of pinning his wrists down or pushing him back against the wall, Ryutaro did something worse. Chinen was pulled up against him, with the younger boy's arms wrapped tightly around his body in a way that was so much harder to deny. "L-let go, let me g-go Ryutaro-"
"Tell me you don't want this and I'll stop." Ryutaro's murmur in his ears caused Chinen to shiver. "Tell me..." Lovingly, he trailed kisses from Chinen's cheeks down to his neck. It took every fiber of his being to keep from moaning for more than that. "...you don't like this and I'll stop." The younger boy's hands found their way beneath his shirt and his body ached for the gentle touches. "Tell me now to go away and I will." Despite Chinen's weak protests, Ryutaro kissed his neck tenderly. "Tell me, Chii...what do you really want?" Ryutaro asked with a soft nip on his skin.
A cry of pain tore from Chinen's lips. "R-ryu-chan, w-we can't...do this..." he gasped, unable to struggle against Ryutaro's advances anymore, but still unwilling to accept him back. "No one will agree, our family... they won't allow it. They'll keep us apart, they'll-"
"Damn them then, damn them all! They can burn, I don't care what they want!" Ryutaro was hugging him so tightly now, it almost hurt. "I care about you and what you want. Chii..." Against his will, Chinen raised his head from where his cheeks were pressed against Ryutaro's chest. The younger boy's eyes burned with an intensity that scared him but he felt mesmerized, unable to look away. Slowly, he leaned forward and pressed a gentle kiss on Chinen's forehead. "I love you. Even if I'm not supposed to, I do and I can't change that. And you do too, I know when you're lying." Ryutaro's voice was muffled as he buried his face in Chinen's hair, tickling him with his breath.
Still, Chinen forced himself to shake his head. "It's not right, you know that. We're not meant to be together. They'll find out eventually, they know everything-"
"I said I don't care!"
"They'll kill you!" Chinen screamed. "They'll put all the blame on you and then kill you! Please, Ryu-chan, think about me. I-I don't want you to d-die." Fresh tears sprang up and this time, Chinen let Ryutaro wipe them away. "I don't want Ryu-chan to die. I'd rather he be alive, even if that means we'll be apart..."
Whimpering, Chinen felt the last of his resolve crumble and wrapped his arms around Ryutaro's neck as he cried on the other boy's shoulder. "Ryu-chan...Ryu-chan...I want us to stay together, I don't want to go back home, I want to stay here with Ryu-chan."
"Shh." Ryutaro patted his head, twirling locks of his hair with his fingers. Between his sniffles and hiccups, Chinen heard the quiet, comforting words Ryutaro whispered to him. "It'll be okay, Chii, it'll be okay."
"No, it won't, we'll be-" Abruptly, Ryutaro cut him off by covering Chinen's mouth with his. The kiss was full of danger. It scared Chinen how badly he wanted the other boy. Every moment they spent together meant there was a higher chance they would be found out. Yet, he couldn't stop even if he wanted to. Turning his head, Chinen's eyes fluttered closed as their kiss deepened and their tongues danced with one another.
Briefly, they broke apart for a moment of heavy breathing before Chinen leaned forward again, his grip tightening on Ryutaro's back. Beneath his fingers, a velvety lump sprouted and spread, the soft feathers brushing lightly against his hands. When he opened his eyes, Ryutaro's black wings had encased them in darkness.
Instead of the fear he should feel at seeing the color of fallen angels, a sense of calm and security settled around Chinen as he snuggled closer, glad it was dark enough to hide his blushing cheeks.
"Chii, I promise I'll protect you and keep you safe. If anyone tries to hurt you..." Chinen had been sighing contently as he breathed in Ryutaro's addicting scent, but then Ryutaro's tone changed. It had suddenly turned harsh and cold. "I'll kill them."
A/N: ...this all began with Ryutaro pushing Chinen up against a wall. Anyways, I like this very much, which means the likelihood of a series from this is very high. The only problem is the time and....time.
Author: Ani
Genre: Angst
Rating: PG-13
Pairings: Chiitaro
Summary: What happens when what you want clashes with what is right? Will you be selfish...or not?
Disclaimer: I don't own JE
"What the hell, Ryutaro!?" Chinen yelled as he found his back flat up against the wall. He winced at the loud smack as Ryutaro's hands shot out next to his head.
"Do you know what time it is?" Ryutaro sounded equally irked, if not more, than Chinen was feeling. "Who in their sane mind runs away from home at this ungodly hour?"
"None of your business," Chinen snapped. "I can go where I want to go whenever I want. I'm old enough to take care of myself, unlike a certain someone else." He steamrollered over Ryutaro's protests. "Why aren't you sleeping? You still have school."
"Who do you think I am? I heard your friends talking hours ago wondering where you were. Did you think I wouldn't worry?" Ryutaro hissed, shoving his face into Chinen's so he was able to see the angry glint in the other boy's usually gentle eyes.
"You don't need to worry about me anymore." Roughly, Chinen pushed Ryutaro's arms out of his way and turned his back on him. He already closed the chapter he shared with the younger boy. There was nothing left between them and the last thing he expected while walking around the streets of his neighborhood aimlessly was to run into his ex. He tried to think of a place he could hide the rest of his days out. Maybe Yuuto.
"Chinen!" Ryutaro sounded exasperated. Chinen ignored him and continued to walk down the street. Prickles of irritation ran down Chinen's spine as he heard the other boy dogging his steps. "Chinen, wait, Chii-"
"Don't freaking call me that!" He spun around, feeling a nerve hit at hearing his nickname. They both stopped under a dim, broken street lamp so he couldn't see the expression on Ryutaro's face. Just as well. "We're over Ryutaro, so just leave me alone! Leave...me..." His tongue seemed to thicken as the words caught in his throat. To his fury, tears formed at the edge of his eyes, threatening to fall. "Goddamnit, I hate this! Curse it all, I hate this, I hate this!"
A jolt of fear coursed through him as a pair of familiar arms started to pulled him into an equally familiar and warm hug. "Don't! Stop it, Ryutaro, please!" Chinen begged, pushing himself away.
"Chii-" Ryutaro growled impatiently. He always had a short temper after all.
"It's better, you know it too," Chinen told him, almost pleadingly. "Don't do this, Ryutaro. It'll make it easier...later..."
"How do you know it's better? Did you really think it was better for us to break up? Do you really think it's better be alone everyday? That hurting now is better than hurting later, because the pain will be numbed by then and it won't be felt anymore? Is that really what you think?"
Chinen knew exactly what he thought. He knew what he wanted but it was different from what he should do. And when he tried to look into the future, he just couldn't see how it was possible to be with someone like Ryutaro.
"Yes." Was there worth in being selfish? "It's better, Ryutaro." Was there worth in staying together now only to be torn apart again at some unknown, future date? "You'll be happier this way." He had to swallow before continuing, to brace himself for the hurt he'll bring unto the other boy. "Besides, I don't like you anymore. What's the point in chasing after someone who doesn't have an interest in you?" Was there any worth in lying to himself? "There's none, Ryutaro! So just get on with your own life and leave me alone to mine."
"Is that really what you want?" Ryutaro finally asked quietly, after a long silence. "If I'm not with you, will that make you happier?"
In the dark, Chinen wondered if he just imagined the brief glimpse of a glistening tear. No, that's wrong, Ryutaro doesn't cry, he's not supposed to cry. He nodded and kept his head lowered, praying that Ryutaro would finally leave. Another minute passed, and then -
"Fine. Fine then. I don't want to be with someone who's not even honest to himself anyways."
When Chinen looked up again, the street was nearly deserted, except for one or two late night stragglers. Drained, his knees sank and he curled into a small ball by the side of the streets. He should be feeling triumphant; he finally got what he wanted. Instead, all he felt was a hollow sort of emptiness. He thought maybe this was how birds who lost their ability to fly felt. Grounded, weak, and hopeless. He knew the abyss in his heart was now so deep it would be nearly impossible to ever mend.
The days he had spend with Ryutaro had been the happiest in his life. Even when they had just been friends, he never laughed as much or enjoyed himself as much. Those were the days when simply seeing the other boy brought a smile to his face and if Ryutaro returned it, his stomach would lurch weirdly. He remembered the head pats he used to get from the other boy made his cheeks heat up and the accidental brushes of skin they had lingered long after Ryutaro had gone.
Then, then one day, Ryutaro cornered him in an empty classroom and pressed a firm kiss against his nervous stammers. It was the most terrifying experience Chinen had; at the same time, he never enjoyed anything more than the sensation of Ryutaro's lips moving over his and the fast beating of his heart as their bodies were pulled closer together.
Something cold and wet dropped on the back of hand. He fingered his face and found the tears streaming down uncontrollably. When he told Ryutaro he didn't like him anymore, he wasn't lying. If Chinen was allowed to be fully honest, he knew his feelings for Ryutaro had already grown beyond 'like.' That was why, even though it nearly killed him to do so, he had to push the other boy away, for the sake of both them.
Chinen jerked his head up as something warm was pressed against his tear-streaked cheek. "It's hot chocolate." The familiar voice made his heart flutter in a way it shouldn't.
"Ryu-chan!" The old nickname slipped out by habit, but Ryutaro didn't look bothered as he took Chinen's hand and tried to place the can in his palm, but Chinen pushed it back to him. "N-no...Ryutaro...I'm not taking it, I shouldn't- I mean I can't...take it...not if it's from you..."
"It's only hot chocolate." Frustratingly, Ryutaro slipped it into his pocket and smirked at whatever expression he had. "You can throw it away later if you want to." Like a magnet, Chinen found his eyes drawn into Ryutaro's dark ones. In there, he saw amusement dancing at the center; Ryutaro knew he wouldn't throw away anything he gave him and Chinen hated how the other boy knew better than he knew himself.
"You shouldn't cry. Angels aren't supposed to." Ryutaro continued as he tried to thumb the tears away, but Chinen jerked his head away, out of reach. "Chii, don't do this to me, please-"
"S-stop calling me that!" Chinen swatted at his hands, trying to keep him away, but the other boy persistently grabbed him. Instead of pinning his wrists down or pushing him back against the wall, Ryutaro did something worse. Chinen was pulled up against him, with the younger boy's arms wrapped tightly around his body in a way that was so much harder to deny. "L-let go, let me g-go Ryutaro-"
"Tell me you don't want this and I'll stop." Ryutaro's murmur in his ears caused Chinen to shiver. "Tell me..." Lovingly, he trailed kisses from Chinen's cheeks down to his neck. It took every fiber of his being to keep from moaning for more than that. "...you don't like this and I'll stop." The younger boy's hands found their way beneath his shirt and his body ached for the gentle touches. "Tell me now to go away and I will." Despite Chinen's weak protests, Ryutaro kissed his neck tenderly. "Tell me, Chii...what do you really want?" Ryutaro asked with a soft nip on his skin.
A cry of pain tore from Chinen's lips. "R-ryu-chan, w-we can't...do this..." he gasped, unable to struggle against Ryutaro's advances anymore, but still unwilling to accept him back. "No one will agree, our family... they won't allow it. They'll keep us apart, they'll-"
"Damn them then, damn them all! They can burn, I don't care what they want!" Ryutaro was hugging him so tightly now, it almost hurt. "I care about you and what you want. Chii..." Against his will, Chinen raised his head from where his cheeks were pressed against Ryutaro's chest. The younger boy's eyes burned with an intensity that scared him but he felt mesmerized, unable to look away. Slowly, he leaned forward and pressed a gentle kiss on Chinen's forehead. "I love you. Even if I'm not supposed to, I do and I can't change that. And you do too, I know when you're lying." Ryutaro's voice was muffled as he buried his face in Chinen's hair, tickling him with his breath.
Still, Chinen forced himself to shake his head. "It's not right, you know that. We're not meant to be together. They'll find out eventually, they know everything-"
"I said I don't care!"
"They'll kill you!" Chinen screamed. "They'll put all the blame on you and then kill you! Please, Ryu-chan, think about me. I-I don't want you to d-die." Fresh tears sprang up and this time, Chinen let Ryutaro wipe them away. "I don't want Ryu-chan to die. I'd rather he be alive, even if that means we'll be apart..."
Whimpering, Chinen felt the last of his resolve crumble and wrapped his arms around Ryutaro's neck as he cried on the other boy's shoulder. "Ryu-chan...Ryu-chan...I want us to stay together, I don't want to go back home, I want to stay here with Ryu-chan."
"Shh." Ryutaro patted his head, twirling locks of his hair with his fingers. Between his sniffles and hiccups, Chinen heard the quiet, comforting words Ryutaro whispered to him. "It'll be okay, Chii, it'll be okay."
"No, it won't, we'll be-" Abruptly, Ryutaro cut him off by covering Chinen's mouth with his. The kiss was full of danger. It scared Chinen how badly he wanted the other boy. Every moment they spent together meant there was a higher chance they would be found out. Yet, he couldn't stop even if he wanted to. Turning his head, Chinen's eyes fluttered closed as their kiss deepened and their tongues danced with one another.
Briefly, they broke apart for a moment of heavy breathing before Chinen leaned forward again, his grip tightening on Ryutaro's back. Beneath his fingers, a velvety lump sprouted and spread, the soft feathers brushing lightly against his hands. When he opened his eyes, Ryutaro's black wings had encased them in darkness.
Instead of the fear he should feel at seeing the color of fallen angels, a sense of calm and security settled around Chinen as he snuggled closer, glad it was dark enough to hide his blushing cheeks.
"Chii, I promise I'll protect you and keep you safe. If anyone tries to hurt you..." Chinen had been sighing contently as he breathed in Ryutaro's addicting scent, but then Ryutaro's tone changed. It had suddenly turned harsh and cold. "I'll kill them."
A/N: ...this all began with Ryutaro pushing Chinen up against a wall. Anyways, I like this very much, which means the likelihood of a series from this is very high. The only problem is the time and....time.