Snow Is Pure - KaixReita - oneshot
Title: Snow Is Pure
Author: shiroi_lace
Picture promt: 1, 2
Pairing(s): KaixReita
Chapter: oneshot
Genre: angst (I think)
Rating: PG-13 (again, I think >.<)
Warnings: nothing, really
Summary: To me, white has always meant purity and innocence. Yet as I walk down the streets of Tokyo, I see no sign of white. Isn’t it ironic how in a city this big, there is simply no room for such basic virtues?
Comments: I cut out the lemon because 1) I had no time to write it and 2) I don't really know howto write it >.<. In my time, it's still the 28th, so I kind of made it. My writer's block and overall lack of creativity prevented me from doing a better job. I really wouldn't say I'm satisfied with how this turned out. About my interpretation of the pictures, well... It could have been fluff if it hadn't been raining so much lately... >.< But basically, the photo of Kai is old, so it's kind of gesturing to the past, to something that is no longer true. As for the second photo, I took the feeling of 'new' and 'modern', meaning change and the city. Yes, it's all vague, but I blame it on my writer's block... I wrote all this today and it's pretty much the most difficult thing I've ever written! Basically... Phew! *wipes brow* I feel sleepy...
Snow Is Pure
To me, white has always meant purity and innocence. Yet as I walk down the streets of Tokyo, I see no sign of white. Isn’t it ironic how in a city this big, there is simply no room for such basic virtues?
I wince as yet another gush of wind blows a cloud of misty rain in my face. It’s been raining nonstop since yesterday, autumn finally making its presence known after weeks of warm golden sunlight. I took down my umbrella a few blocks ago as it provided no real protection. I would obviously be soaked anyway and at least I can now actually see where I am walking.
Wet gray concrete makes up most of the scenery. If there was even the tiniest speck of white anywhere here, I would spot it immediately. However, each time I look around I only make sure that nothing has changed.
I’m almost there…
Why do I even bother? He probably will not come. It’s been weeks since I last saw him. Each time I wait for him, I keep my promise. Each time he fails to show up, he breaks his.
Still, even if it’s naive for me to cling to such hopes, I have never once broken our pledge.
I still believe that you will show me the innocence I have always yearned to see.
I slow down a bit. I’ve reached the park. I walk up to one of the benches and sit down. It’s wet but that doesn’t matter, considering how soaked I already am.
I check my watch. It’s a few minutes past four p.m. I’ll wait about two hours. With this kind of weather, I really cannot tell for sure when the sun will have already set, so I’ll just wait until it’s dark.
It’s cold out here. There’s no shelter in sight and even if there was, that’s not the way it has to go. I want to see you the moment you arrive so I’d rather not have anything blocking my sight. I shove my hands into my pockets and wait.
I’ll just close my eyes for a while…
Without even noticing it, I drift off to sleep.
I’m standing in the middle of an endless white plain. There is nothing but snow around me and it’s cold. I look up to find a metallic gray sky above. I know someone is standing behind me; I can feel warm breath caressing the skin on my neck. I want to turn around but I cannot do it. I am sure it’s you behind me, though. We both say nothing, or maybe we’re just unable to. I feel the cold air around us. I feel the warmth that your body radiates. I hear you breathe. Yet I cannot reach out and touch you. I cannot turn around and look into your eyes. That way, even if you are right behind me, there is no way for me to be with you… I know that it has always been like this…
I wake up. It’s dark already. I realize that the rain has stopped, as well. I’m still sitting on a wet bench, my clothes are soaked and I’m shivering. Then something unexpectedly warm touches my forehead.
‘Are you awake?’
I can only stare at him, my eyes wide. I blink to make sure it’s real. I want it to be real. I want him to be real, something more than a dream.
‘You came,’ I manage to say. The hoarseness of my own voice surprises me. I probably caught a cold.
He only smiles at me. I don’t like this. I want him to make a sound, to actually say something. Don’t I deserve that, after waiting for so long?.. Yet a guilty silence drags on.
His hand leaves my forehead, soft fingers trailing down my face, lingering on my lips for a while and then going further down to explore my neck. This is definitely not a dream.
‘I’m sorry,’ he says softly. This time, he really sounds like it.
He wraps his warm fingers around my cold hand.
‘Let’s go, Reita,’ he says, pulling me up.
I slowly stand up and let him guide me. There is no need for him to do that because we’re going to my place anyway. That’s how it always goes.
We don’t talk at all while we walk. Twenty minutes of silence later, we enter my apartment.
Still saying nothing, I take off my wet coat. Apparently, all my other clothes are soaked as well.
‘You’re all wet!’ Kai exclaims, a worried expression on his face. ‘I’m so sorry for taking such a long time …’
‘It’s fine, I’ll dry,’ I brush it off.
‘No, no! You have to take it all off, you’ll catch a cold like this!’
Without any kind of warning, he slips his hands under the front of my shirt and starts peeling it off me. For a few moments I just stand there, but then give him an alarmed look. ‘I can do it myself.’
He stops but doesn’t take his hands off my skin. Even if I know I shouldn’t allow that kind of contact, I make no attempt to break it.
‘Are you angry?’ Kai pouts like a small child.
Of course I’m angry. But just as I’ve never once failed to come to the damn park, I’ve never been able to push him off.
‘No, I’m not,’ I say and give him a small smile. ‘But I can really do this myself.’
He grins and my heart starts beating faster. How come a grown man can have the smile of a four-year-old boy? No wonder I can never say ‘no’ to him, even when I obviously should…
‘I’ll go change, you can wait for me in the living room.’ I escape to the bedroom as fast as I possibly can without running. Once the door slams shut behind me, I practically collapse on the floor. This is the last time, I try to assure myself. If it happens to be the same as last time, I swear I will never see him again. At least I really want to believe it. Still, there’s that hope clawing at my heart that makes me waver every time - what if it’s really different now? What if he is finally serious about me? It’s too painful for me to discard it. It’s been this way for too long.
After changing, I walk out of the bedroom only to find Kai leaning on the wall next to the door.
‘It takes you a long time to change,’ he says with a smile.
‘You didn’t have to wait for me here.’ I try to suppress my fluster. My heartbeats are so loud and frantic I’m almost certain he can hear them.
‘I was hoping to join you.’
I gulp quite loudly. Join me… in what? Getting undressed? Or does he simply miss my bedroom?
When I look at him, he’s got that childish pout on his face again. Did he mean it the way I think he did or?..
I am the first one to break the uncomfortable silence.
‘So… It hasn’t been going that well?’
‘What do you mean?’ Kai furrows his brow. As if he really had no idea what I was talking about…
I cough a bit before continuing. ‘I mean, how has it been going with… Uruha?’
‘Oh, that.’ He suddenly looks so indifferent that I regret ever mentioning the subject. ‘We’ve been… arguing lately. It’s not the same as before. I think he’s… cheating on me.’
I nod. ‘I see.’ I expected that answer. I know the pattern all too well by now… Each time he seeks comfort, it’s the same. It’s always about a different person but the main idea remains unchanged. Now it’s about Uruha. Next time it’s going to be about someone else. No… there isn’t going to be a ‘next time’, I remind myself.
Again, an awkward pause sets in. He just looks at me without saying anything. I tense up in anticipation of what is about to happen. He’s going to walk up to me…
Yet nothing happens. We both just stand there while I’m becoming more and more nervous.
‘You know,’ Kai suddenly breaks the silence. ‘I’ve been thinking…’
What? What is this? He’s not supposed to say that! I don’t like this...
‘I don’t think we should do this anymore.’
What?
It’s happened so many times that I’ve lost the count already, and NOW he’s saying we should stop?..
I’m too shocked to say anything.
‘I… don’t think this kind of situation is good for any of us. It’s probably best for me to leave.’
I just stare at him incredulously. He couldn’t possibly be serious? After we’ve gone this far?
‘I’m sorry for taking your time.’ He starts walking towards the door. I follow him but I cannot manage to utter anything. I watch him put his hand on the handle, lower it and turn around to look at me…
He’s grinning.
‘Just kidding!’
Before I know it, there are merely inches separating us. I feel his hot breath brush against my skin and shiver in anticipation.
‘You know I wouldn’t do that,’ Kai whispers huskily.
In a few moments his hands are under my clothes, exploring my skin. My whole body is tingling and I feel a familiar warmth in my lower body.
‘Let’s go to the bedroom. You should have just let me undress you. Though teasing you is really fun,’ Kai chuckles.
***
I wake up feeling sore. I flinch in pain when I try to sit up. I look around myself only to find an empty mess of sheets. A note is glued on the lamp. I reach out to take it off. I end up clutching the small paper in my hand, hesitating to read it. Finally, I take a deep breath and turn it over.
‘Thanks. P.S. I made up with Uruha. Please don’t call me.’
I simply stare at the note with disbelief. I’ve woken up in an empty bed countless times, but each time I at least had the hope that he had simply been in some kind of a hurry, that he would come back. Not once has he denied me that hope… until now.
I try to make myself believe that it couldn’t have been any other way. This was supposed to be the last time. At least I can end I now. Still, I can’t suppress the tears welling up in the corners of my eyes. I bite down on my lip so hard I end up drawing blood. I’m not weak enough to cry.
I try to persuade myself that this was really the last time, that I would never wait for him at that park again. Yet I have a feeling that even if he has ended it, for me it will never truly be over.
I get out of my bed and walk up to the window. Ironically, it’s snowing outside. I watch the pure white snow float down lazily. As I feel the metallic taste of my own blood, I realize that this is probably the only kind of ‘white’ I’ll ever be able to have.
A.N. unbetaed. Before writing this, I seriously had no idea my English was that pathetic, sooo sorry for any mistakes I left in >.<
Also, this was my very first fanfic ever... And I'm not too happy with how it turned out. I feel kind of drained, though... =.=
Any thoughts?