when it's over (Jonghyun/Yonghwa)
Word Count: ~1.5k
Summary: time frame basically stretches from pre-debut to the (hypothetical) end of their showbiz career, jonghyun asking the important questions in life which sadly no one has the answers to. (honestly my summaries suck why do i even bother i am sorry oTL)
"Do you ever wonder? What's next when all this is over?"
Jungshin, the maknae, glances up at him while taking a huge bite out of his grease-dripping pizza (because he can, and because them being a band and not a dance group means he can technically fatten himself up as long as he still looks good). The lanky, younger man frowns and gives Jonghyun a quizzical look. It's close to midnight and they shouldn't be eating pizza, but they do anyway- it's the only thing they look forward to at the end of their ten-hour non-stop practice each day. They are only four days away from their debut stage on MCountdown..
"We just... debut? And live that dream we've chased after all our lives?"
Jonghyun ponders the youngest's response. He's not wrong, but he doesn't answer Jonghyun's question. He thinks maybe Jungshin didn't understand the question.
The next time he pops the question is six years later.
Jonghyun aims the orange ball at the hoop for the final time as they call it a night. The ball passes through the rusted metal ring that's surely seen better days - just like themselves.
A lot can happen in six years. For Jonghyun, six years felt like a whole lifetime. For instance, they went from being a quartet of street buskers whose stage was the pavement outside Osaka train station, to a "band-idol"- as they are often labelled (Jonghyun still can't get used to it, and isn't particularly sure if he likes being referred to as that) - who plays on glittering stages for a decently-sized, but fiercely loyal audience. They've gone from their awkward first days of moving in together, to their last few days of co-habitation, to arranging sometimes weekly meetups at one of their places to drink, amidst individual schedules. As a band, they'd like to think they've improved by folds since the time Yonghwa sang "I'm A Loner" with the unmistakeable hint of satoori.
In an industry where the young dives in and engulfs the elders faster than they can churn out new, chart-sweeping hits, they are getting replaced - slowly but surely. They're getting old.
But what bothers Jonghyun the most is not the painful reality that they're just going to fade out, and gradually disappear from showbiz the same way the morning fog dissipates when the sun rises. What bothers him is that he does not know where to go, after it's all over.
"Have you ever thought about it? What happens - after all this ends?"
Minhyuk, who's breathing out white puffs in the cold night air at close intervals, still panting from their basketball game, meets the man's gaze and lingered for a while before looking skywards and throwing his head back.
"Well, I don't know. Enlistment?"
-
Jonghyun feels like a ticking timebomb; he's gonna need some concrete, constructive answers soon or he'll explode.
Surely this is what they call a 'mid-life crisis'.
Except they're still young, just not in idol-verse; their maknaes are the same age, or if not, often older, than the oldest members of those fresh-faced, too-energetic rookie groups whose plastered smiles are always too wide.
Jonghyun's not sure if he's where he'd envisioned himself to be at this point in life, when he first embarked on this road more than half a decade ago. (He's quite sure he isn't.)
And he's not sure why he's so frustrated. (And hollow.)
-
And then it happens. He's got no idea how, or when it began. But it's real and it's happening.
Maybe they just both needed an outlet. For just about everything ranging from the too packed schedules to the pent-up sexual frustration. (It's definitely more of the latter.) It started when one of them (Yonghwa) was severely drunk and was barely able to articulate his own name, and the other (Jonghyun) was sober but happily obliging.
(Perhaps it was something he'd always been waiting on - wanting to - happen for a long time now.)
The next thing they - or at least wide-awake Jonghyun - knew, they're making out aggressively on the maroon carpet in Yonghwa's living room, each struggling for air yet neither willing to break contact, callusced fingers mapping and marking territories on the terrains of each other's skin as if it were a competition. At one point Jonghyun's hands tentatively slid beneath the thick fabric of the older man's sweater, cold digits ghosting the hot, bare skin that keeps emanating heat, even when the apartment is ghastly cold without the heater on. Yonghwa has always been the one who sweated too much, and became hot too quickly. Fans loved it though - they also love the way the main vocal of the group contrasts the guitarist's paler, cooler exterior. They looked good together - side by side on stage, that is. Yonghwa flinches a little when the icy fingers come into direct contact with his skin, but doesn't seem to be bothered by the stark difference in temperature and he cards slender fingers through the other man's messy locks.
Then the second time it happens they were both sober - at Jonghyun's place. Again, Jonghyun has no idea how "having a drink" lead to them fumbling with each other's shirts on the miniscule couch, limbs tangled while they struggled to pull those obstructive fabrics off. In the background CNBLUE's first album played.
Perhaps somewhere into their "movie night" - which consisted of them putting their album on loop and air-strumming the chords that've been almost indelibly embossed into the back of their minds - all the memories had become too much, too real, and far too soon.The raw emotions of their goodbye stage had resurfaced like fresh blood on a scratched-open scab, even though it's been almost a year. (Therefore they go slow this time, nursing each other's wounds and carpet burns from the last time with each kiss.)
He doesn't know how it happened, or when it began to, but it did.
Jonghyun realises one day, in the midst of making an omelette for two, that he hasn't felt a particular hollow feeling in a while. He turns the stove off and scoops the slightly burnt yellow lump onto a plate with floral prints on the edges. He picks it up and grabs a handful of cultery and walks over to the shiny dining table. It's pristine because he lives alone (or rather, used to), and most of his dinners are quick, ten-minute affairs spent on the couch.
The shower in the bathroom turns off with a familiar squeak. Jonghyun watches the man step out of the cubicle with a pink towel wrapped around the waist, fringe slicked back in wet, heavy strands. He watches as the latter takes the seat opposite without a shirt on, and makes a pretend-impressed face while he eyes the omelette, before crinkling his eyes into a familiar smile, to show he was kidding. The smell of Jonghyun's shampoo on the latter's hair (and the sight of a purplish bruise on the man's neck) hits him harder than the thought that surfaces in his mind.
And suddenly, Jonghyun feels uncertain again. The very thought that this - the smell of his shampoo in someone else's hair, the stolen, illicit kisses from the last few months - could end, makes him squirm inside. He imagines withdrawing into his void again, and the grey, vast uncertainty of the future weighs his chest down. Yonghwa invades his bubble of thought by nudging him to eat his omelette.
"Have you ever thought... what's next? When all this is over?"
The older man chews his mouthful of food thoughtfully, and then swallows.
"You know, not all good things must come to an end."
-
An hour later, they're back on the couch doing what they do together best (other than making music) - making out. It's not long before Shiro - Jonghyun's white pommie puppy - tugs on the hem of Yonghwa's pants asking for dinner. The man laughs about being the puppy's new favourite and Jonghyun rolls his eyes.
(The reality is, they go back to their business on the couch for another hour before apologizing to the two puppies and serving their dinner.)
Jonghyun recalls the look on his father's face when he sat him down and told him about his dream of pursuing music - it was a mixture of both disapproval and discernment. Three years later, the man finally introduces his son as the guitarist of CNBLUE with a smile that says he's proud. Another five years later, his father smiles at the boy he's brought home for Chuseok. He thinks he's finally made him proud.
He could live with this, he thinks. The future doesn't seem that scary, if you focus on living the present to the fullest.
“A dream you dream alone is only a dream. A dream you dream together is reality.”
― John Lennon
Summary: time frame basically stretches from pre-debut to the (hypothetical) end of their showbiz career, jonghyun asking the important questions in life which sadly no one has the answers to. (honestly my summaries suck why do i even bother i am sorry oTL)
"Do you ever wonder? What's next when all this is over?"
Jungshin, the maknae, glances up at him while taking a huge bite out of his grease-dripping pizza (because he can, and because them being a band and not a dance group means he can technically fatten himself up as long as he still looks good). The lanky, younger man frowns and gives Jonghyun a quizzical look. It's close to midnight and they shouldn't be eating pizza, but they do anyway- it's the only thing they look forward to at the end of their ten-hour non-stop practice each day. They are only four days away from their debut stage on MCountdown..
"We just... debut? And live that dream we've chased after all our lives?"
Jonghyun ponders the youngest's response. He's not wrong, but he doesn't answer Jonghyun's question. He thinks maybe Jungshin didn't understand the question.
The next time he pops the question is six years later.
Jonghyun aims the orange ball at the hoop for the final time as they call it a night. The ball passes through the rusted metal ring that's surely seen better days - just like themselves.
A lot can happen in six years. For Jonghyun, six years felt like a whole lifetime. For instance, they went from being a quartet of street buskers whose stage was the pavement outside Osaka train station, to a "band-idol"- as they are often labelled (Jonghyun still can't get used to it, and isn't particularly sure if he likes being referred to as that) - who plays on glittering stages for a decently-sized, but fiercely loyal audience. They've gone from their awkward first days of moving in together, to their last few days of co-habitation, to arranging sometimes weekly meetups at one of their places to drink, amidst individual schedules. As a band, they'd like to think they've improved by folds since the time Yonghwa sang "I'm A Loner" with the unmistakeable hint of satoori.
In an industry where the young dives in and engulfs the elders faster than they can churn out new, chart-sweeping hits, they are getting replaced - slowly but surely. They're getting old.
But what bothers Jonghyun the most is not the painful reality that they're just going to fade out, and gradually disappear from showbiz the same way the morning fog dissipates when the sun rises. What bothers him is that he does not know where to go, after it's all over.
"Have you ever thought about it? What happens - after all this ends?"
Minhyuk, who's breathing out white puffs in the cold night air at close intervals, still panting from their basketball game, meets the man's gaze and lingered for a while before looking skywards and throwing his head back.
"Well, I don't know. Enlistment?"
-
Jonghyun feels like a ticking timebomb; he's gonna need some concrete, constructive answers soon or he'll explode.
Surely this is what they call a 'mid-life crisis'.
Except they're still young, just not in idol-verse; their maknaes are the same age, or if not, often older, than the oldest members of those fresh-faced, too-energetic rookie groups whose plastered smiles are always too wide.
Jonghyun's not sure if he's where he'd envisioned himself to be at this point in life, when he first embarked on this road more than half a decade ago. (He's quite sure he isn't.)
And he's not sure why he's so frustrated. (And hollow.)
-
And then it happens. He's got no idea how, or when it began. But it's real and it's happening.
Maybe they just both needed an outlet. For just about everything ranging from the too packed schedules to the pent-up sexual frustration. (It's definitely more of the latter.) It started when one of them (Yonghwa) was severely drunk and was barely able to articulate his own name, and the other (Jonghyun) was sober but happily obliging.
(Perhaps it was something he'd always been waiting on - wanting to - happen for a long time now.)
The next thing they - or at least wide-awake Jonghyun - knew, they're making out aggressively on the maroon carpet in Yonghwa's living room, each struggling for air yet neither willing to break contact, callusced fingers mapping and marking territories on the terrains of each other's skin as if it were a competition. At one point Jonghyun's hands tentatively slid beneath the thick fabric of the older man's sweater, cold digits ghosting the hot, bare skin that keeps emanating heat, even when the apartment is ghastly cold without the heater on. Yonghwa has always been the one who sweated too much, and became hot too quickly. Fans loved it though - they also love the way the main vocal of the group contrasts the guitarist's paler, cooler exterior. They looked good together - side by side on stage, that is. Yonghwa flinches a little when the icy fingers come into direct contact with his skin, but doesn't seem to be bothered by the stark difference in temperature and he cards slender fingers through the other man's messy locks.
Then the second time it happens they were both sober - at Jonghyun's place. Again, Jonghyun has no idea how "having a drink" lead to them fumbling with each other's shirts on the miniscule couch, limbs tangled while they struggled to pull those obstructive fabrics off. In the background CNBLUE's first album played.
Perhaps somewhere into their "movie night" - which consisted of them putting their album on loop and air-strumming the chords that've been almost indelibly embossed into the back of their minds - all the memories had become too much, too real, and far too soon.The raw emotions of their goodbye stage had resurfaced like fresh blood on a scratched-open scab, even though it's been almost a year. (Therefore they go slow this time, nursing each other's wounds and carpet burns from the last time with each kiss.)
He doesn't know how it happened, or when it began to, but it did.
Jonghyun realises one day, in the midst of making an omelette for two, that he hasn't felt a particular hollow feeling in a while. He turns the stove off and scoops the slightly burnt yellow lump onto a plate with floral prints on the edges. He picks it up and grabs a handful of cultery and walks over to the shiny dining table. It's pristine because he lives alone (or rather, used to), and most of his dinners are quick, ten-minute affairs spent on the couch.
The shower in the bathroom turns off with a familiar squeak. Jonghyun watches the man step out of the cubicle with a pink towel wrapped around the waist, fringe slicked back in wet, heavy strands. He watches as the latter takes the seat opposite without a shirt on, and makes a pretend-impressed face while he eyes the omelette, before crinkling his eyes into a familiar smile, to show he was kidding. The smell of Jonghyun's shampoo on the latter's hair (and the sight of a purplish bruise on the man's neck) hits him harder than the thought that surfaces in his mind.
And suddenly, Jonghyun feels uncertain again. The very thought that this - the smell of his shampoo in someone else's hair, the stolen, illicit kisses from the last few months - could end, makes him squirm inside. He imagines withdrawing into his void again, and the grey, vast uncertainty of the future weighs his chest down. Yonghwa invades his bubble of thought by nudging him to eat his omelette.
"Have you ever thought... what's next? When all this is over?"
The older man chews his mouthful of food thoughtfully, and then swallows.
"You know, not all good things must come to an end."
-
An hour later, they're back on the couch doing what they do together best (other than making music) - making out. It's not long before Shiro - Jonghyun's white pommie puppy - tugs on the hem of Yonghwa's pants asking for dinner. The man laughs about being the puppy's new favourite and Jonghyun rolls his eyes.
(The reality is, they go back to their business on the couch for another hour before apologizing to the two puppies and serving their dinner.)
Jonghyun recalls the look on his father's face when he sat him down and told him about his dream of pursuing music - it was a mixture of both disapproval and discernment. Three years later, the man finally introduces his son as the guitarist of CNBLUE with a smile that says he's proud. Another five years later, his father smiles at the boy he's brought home for Chuseok. He thinks he's finally made him proud.
He could live with this, he thinks. The future doesn't seem that scary, if you focus on living the present to the fullest.
“A dream you dream alone is only a dream. A dream you dream together is reality.”
― John Lennon