Title: Collapse - Thoughts
Author:
hanez
Rating: PG
Summary: Takki's thoughts on that particular night itself, the reason why he had initiated the decision to part with Tsubasa.
~`~
Takki stared into the thin air as he lied all alone in his bedroom, recalling the night he had broken off with Tsubasa. Closing his eyes, Takki tried to forget that event, the words that he spoke had hurt Tsubasa badly.
It happened. It’s in the past now. I should forget about it and move on with my life.
But the more he tried to stop thinking about it, the look of a very hurtful Tsubasa kept flashing onto his mind making him feel even more guiltier than he already was.
That look, the hurt expression Tsubasa wore when he said those words, was enough to almost make him withdraw from making that one decision.
Break up.
But he can’t, Takki forced himself to be strong, to say those words in a slightly harsh tone. Else he couldn’t do it otherwise, the outcome might have been different.
I would have slipped out something that Tsubasa shouldn’t know, no one should know the reason for our separation. I don’t want that to happen.
In fact Takki had expected him to take the news in stride as he knew Tsubasa is somehow stronger than him regarding emotions.
He thought that Tsubasa would look up to him in surprise, of which afterwards he would say that he understands, and that this could not be helped. That he would hide his emotions till he left.
But he was wrong, Tsubasa actually breaks down as a result of the break up. And he knew, even after he left the scene, his aikata was still pouring out his emotions.
Tsubasa.
Takki had never meant to hurt him, to do that was the last thing on his mind. He loves him too much to let him go.
But this was far more important than holding on to his love for Tsubasa, he can’t be selfish and destroy their career as a result. He couldn’t do that, he couldn’t destroy the image that both had worked hard for it.
I knew from the start that our relationship can never last, Tsubasa. Everything we fantasized about is nothing but a fantasy. A dream that can never become real.
All those hurtful words that he said were nothing but a lie. He had to say them else he would have to listen to Tsubasa’s sudden pleas.
And god knows, I would have given in to the moment and told him the actual truth. I don’t want him to know. I don’t want to have to hurt him any further. I could never put his career into danger.
As much as he loves me, his career was equally important, he had worked so hard to go this far, and I can’t make the taste of success came tumbling down in just a split second. I can’t be that selfish.
Even though Tsubasa had never told him how much he loves this entertainment business, Takki knew that he enjoys every moment of it despite the hardships undergone.
Tsubasa shows his passion in dancing and even singing. I’ve never seen someone as hardworking and determined as you. So how can I be selfish to snatch his passion away?
As much as we love each other, Tsubasa, we can never be together forever. You know that right from the start.
Don’t you ever notice the looks of fans when we start acting intimately with one another?
They don’t like it.
God, I know that some minority of our fans love for us to be so intimate, that they can’t wait for us to reveal that we’re together. But that’s only a minority of them, what about the rest?
What will they think? How will they act when our secret leaked out one day, is that going to be the end of our career?
What if they won’t support us anymore? We can’t go on with very few fans on our side. Worst still, what if Johnny-san finds out? We’ll lose our job for sure, that I know.
What will happen to you, Tsubasa? You will lose the job that you love. And we will have to face discriminations thrown directly at our face. I don’t want you to get hurt again.
You were hurt pretty badly when we first debuted. Though you never said anything then, I know that you were hurt by all those cruel words the fans made. I knew but I kept my silence. I understand that you want to try dealing it on your own. I was always by your side to keep an eye on you.
But that was then, we were best of friends, we have not yet developed love for one another. And because I love you so, I don’t want to put your career in danger.
I don’t care if my career will eventually be gone, my image destroyed in the end. But I can’t let that happen to you. I can’t destroy your dream, all the effort that you had built in will eventually be wasted.
I can’t be that selfish, can I?
The thought of not having Tsubasa by his side truly scares him, never once did he want to be apart. But this situation forced him to make such a decision without even confronting his lover’s agreement.
I’m sorry Tsubasa. This is all for the best.
Takki buried his head into the pillow, closing his eyes as tightly as possible, hoping that the same image would no longer appear.
I love you, Tsubasa. Remember That.
~
I don’t love you anymore. I don’t love you anymore.
That voice, a very harsh tone Takki seldom use on him, kept on repeating non stop, hurting his ears at the same time. His head doubles with pain, his hands holding on to it, hoping that the pain would go away.
But it was useless, his movement only hurts him more. For the throbbing pain in his heart doesn’t seem to go away,
Clutching his heart, Tsubasa slides down to the floor, the tears from yesterday never seem to fade.
“I don’t love you anymore.” Was what Takki had told him that night and that same sentence hold a vivid memory to his mind.
Stop it. Please stop, I don’t want to hear that anymore. Please.
“Stop!!”Tsubasa suddenly screamed out, realizing that those words will never vanish from his thoughts, but desperately wants to remember them ever being spoken.
Calming himself down, Tsubasa sat there on the floor, still and emotionless. The tears came to a stop, but his heart had become numb as a result.
He doesn’t love me anymore. You’re such a fool, Tsubasa.
Takki hadn’t meant every single thing that he said but for being the person he is, Tsubasa believed him. He is known to be an honest young man who speaks genuinely from his heart. That is why Tsubasa believed every single word that he said. Because Takki never tell lies.
I’m all alone.
~`~
Author's Note: Don't worry, it's not the end yet! I was thinking of just writing the sequel but somehow I end up writing more than I should. Oh well, this fiction will be a few parters then. Probably with 4 chapters in total? We'll see..
I'm having my two weeks holiday now so I can update as frequent than ever. Maybe a chapter a day? Don't know about that but if there's sudden inspiration, I can write fairly well with no breaks in between. Just hope Idon't have any writer's block. That's bad.
Wait for the update soon!