(no subject)
i am so tired. i don't know how to deal with this constant mending people...especially when it appears i even had to mend my soul mate. it's so fucking frustrating. i don't know how much longer i can keep doing this. i have to give up so much of myself...and i don't mean that in the way people usually mean it. i mean just the sheer emotional investment. i'm just so tired of this...constantly being left alone, even by eric. and i'll be damned if they aren't even let letting me speak to them anymore...this may be the most irritating new trend. urgh...oh well, i guess i was the idiot who asked to meet her soul mate...what a stupid idea. no wonder god was laughing at me. oh well, i give up. i'll just deal with, i guess, like i always do. it just feels so unfair sometimes to always have to be the one who compromises, the one who walks away or stays away or whatever, never on my terms, never what i want or what makes me happy. it's just making me a miserable person, a terrible friend, and i'm afraid it's gonna end up killing me.
blarggh, i'm gonna go cry myself into a stupour, at least until beth gets home with some food i hope to choke down. my god, i'm so pathetic that i'm crocheting obsessively to keep from picking my skin or hurting myself or constantly bawling and obsessing. fuck, i'm done.
in other news, it turns out i really like leona lewis, despite myself. that album is PERFECT for me, especially right now.