Missing You [Oneshot]
Author’s Note: I’m feeling melancholic and currently listening to Kavana’s “Will You Wait for Me”. Beta-ed by L-chan. Thank you L-chan.
When I look up at the night sky, at those beautiful shining stars, I immediately think of you. You are the only person on my mind these days. Every day and every night, only you… always you.
Sometimes, I ask myself, why haven’t I noticed you before? Why haven’t I noticed how beautiful you looked in winter, playing with the snow? Or how serene you looked when you were looking at the flower field; or how your eyes always seemed to sparkle when you looked at the shining stars or when you were talking about something that interested you? Why only now did I notice that, when you are not by my side anymore?
I miss you.
I miss you so much that even words cannot describe this feeling I have inside. Perhaps, this is my punishment for being selfish, for always hurting you. For always making you sad, for always making you cry.
I love you. I wish I had told you those three words before. I regret the fact that I didn’t tell you how I feel for you even though I had the chance. Now, even if I scream that I love you, you can’t hear me anyway.
I pray day and night for a chance to see you, even if it is only in my dreams. I cannot bear the pain of not seeing your face. Your beautiful smiling face, the one you always showed when you were feeling happy, when you were feeling glad, when you were giddy about something.
When you slept, your face always looked so peaceful. Just like a child. I love the feeling you gave me when you were sleeping by my side. The warmth that you gave me I will never forget, because now coldness seems to be my blanket, since you are not beside me anymore. You are no longer there to keep me company at night.
*********
“Why didn’t you tell me earlier? Are you ever going to tell me?” Ueda screamed at Ryo.
Ryo glared at the older man, “I was going to tell you but there was never a right time. You and I both know that we have a very tight schedule. You were busy with your new single and I was busy with NEWS’s tour, and I just found out about it only a week ago.”
“Oh, now you want to blame it on our tight schedule? So why did it never even come up when we talked to each other last night, or the other night? You have known about it for a week, Ryo, and you could have told me when we talked on the phone but no… You just decided it’s not important enough to tell me and I had to find out about it on the news? On the FUCKING NEWS?!” Ueda yelled his disbelief at Ryo.
“Look, I’m sorry ok. I know I should have told you, but I just wanted to find the right time to tell you. And I didn’t even know they were going to broadcast about it today. I didn’t want you to find out like that. Besides, it’s just a job. The only difference is that I will be shooting in New York, not Japan.” Ryo answered back, his tone rising to match his boyfriend’s.
“That’s not the point. The point is you didn’t trust me enough to tell me about it, and I had to find out from other people, not from you. What ever happened to never keeping a secret between us? Urgh… whatever. I don’t want to deal with you right now.” Ueda said before storming out of NEWS’s dressing room. The rest of the NEWS’s members were cowering on the couch, having never before seen Ueda that angry. Ryo threw a glare towards his band mates.
Yamapi slowly rose from the couch and went towards Ryo. “Why don’t you cool off first, Ryo-chan? Let him cool off too. I’m sure Kame or Jin can talk some sense into him. If you want, I too can help.”
“That’s ok, Pi. I’ll talk to him later. You’re right, I need to cool off first before I see him.” Ryo just slumped into the sofa nearest to him.
Meanwhile, in KAT-TUN’s dressing room, Kame was trying to calm Ueda down. “Don’t say anything Kame, just don’t. I don’t want to deal with it now. Why don’t we resume our practice?” The rest - A, T, T and N - just nodded their consent. Kame watched Ueda worriedly.
All the stress from arguing with Ryo, topped by a few weeks without a good night’s sleep due to the intensive practice for their upcoming single seemed to be taking its toll on Ueda, physically and mentally. His body started to feel weak, his head started to hurt so much. Still, he pushed himself to complete his dance routine. When they had a break, he immediately downed a couple of aspirins for his headache. After a few minutes of a short break, he resumed his practice. However, the pain failed to subside, and his body could not take it anymore. Before he knew it, his world turned black.
****
All of NEWS were startled when Jin rushed into their dressing room.
“Hey, Jin, why all the rush? Did a ghost chase you?” Yamapi joked. Upon seeing the look on Jin’s face though, he knew something serious must have happened.
“Hey, what’s wrong, Jin? Is everything alright?” Yamapi asked, concern could be heard in his voice.
“It’s Tat-chan. He fainted. The ambulance is already on the way.” Ryo was already out the door before Jin even finished his last sentence. Worry laced with guilt consumed his heart. Worry if anything happened to his beloved and guilt when he remembered their argument earlier.
****
All of the members of KAT-TUN and NEWS waited anxiously for the report from the doctor that was in charge. All of them had been praying fervently for their friend’s health, for him to be safe. Ryo especially.
“Are any of you Mr. Ueda’s family members?” The voice startled them. “I am.” Ryo immediately stood up and moved to face the doctor.
“Has Mr. Ueda been involved in an accident before?” The doctor asked Ryo.
“No. Why doctor?” Ryo asked, worriedly. “Has he been hit in the head?” The doctor asked again.
“No, not that I know of. Why Doctor? What is wrong with Tatsuya?” Ryo was fidgeting.
“I think it’s possible that he might have injured his head when he was boxing, doctor, but he didn’t say anything about it to us.” Kame interjected from where he was sitting.
“I want you to hear this calmly.” The doctor sighed before continuing with his words. “It seems that Mr. Ueda has developed a blood clot in his brain and all the pressure that has built up is causing severe damage to his brain. He is in critical condition right now but we will try our very best to save him. Please, don’t give up hope yet.” The doctor stated.
Ryo felt his body went numb with the doctor’s statement. A few members, mainly Kame, Tegoshi, Nakamaru and Koyama, were already crying while the other could only stare in shock at the doctor.
****
It had been weeks after Ueda’s collapse. Ryo never went to New York like he was supposed to. How could he, especially when his beloved was lying helpless on the hospital bed? He never failed to visit Ueda in the hospital. Every day, when he finished the shooting for his drama or any of his performances, he would rush to the hospital. He did not want Ueda to feel alone. Usually, he would sit next to Ueda’s bed, holding his boyfriend’s hand tightly; hoping and praying for Ueda to open his eyes.
Today, however, something seemed different than usual. He felt there was something wrong with the atmosphere. When he arrived at Ueda’s room, he could see Dr. Mizuno, the one who was in charge of Ueda, was waiting for him. The irony did not escape him. Mizuno was the name of the doctor in his drama, One Litre of Tears; the one who failed to save the main character from death. He fervently hoped it’s different this time.
“I’m sorry, Mr. Nishikido. His brain stopped working only a few minutes ago. It was just a matter of time before his heart stopped beating. There was nothing we could do.” Dr. Mizuno said, face full of sympathy, hating the fact to be the one to deliver the sad news.
He felt it was his heart that had stopped beating when he heard the news. No, please, not him. I cannot lose him, I love him. I don’t want to lose him. He cried out over and over again in his head. He felt his body sinking to the floor. He just couldn’t believe he’d just lost the love of his live.
Why… why him? Why my love? Why me? Why did this have to happen when we are so happy together? Why oh why? Tears started running down his cheeks. He started to regret the things that he had done and had not done. He regretted all the time they spent arguing when they could have cuddled together. He regretted all the time that he did not spend with his hime when he could have done so. He regretted all the pain that he put his hime through. But most of all, he regretted that he never noticed his hime was stressed and tired, and that he never urged his hime to have a check up with the doctor when Ueda was complaining about his frequent headaches.
********
I sit on the mat, looking at the night sky with a sigh. Here I am, at one of your favourite places, the beach. Although you’re not beside me, whenever I need you I just close my eyes… to remember the feel of your touch and warmth. I hold out my hands, calling out your name... hoping you will smile at me from above.
I see an elderly couple walking along the beach, hand in hand. I choke back my tears that threaten to fall. You would’ve loved to see that, wouldn’t you? I wish you’re here with me. I wish that’s us, holding hands, walking side by side, growing old together. Oh, how I wish it’s true.
My love, my hime, why did you have to leave me? I am all alone without you. Without you, I feel that there is no meaning in my life. I have no will to continue with my life. Will you wait for me, my hime? Wait for me, for us to be reunited again. For us to be together again, until the end of time. Until forever.
*****
A/N : Well, I finally managed to finish it. This fic was supposed to be my third fic since I started doing this first before Love is a Funny Thing, but I ended up finishing that fic first. Waaaa… I killed Tat-chan. Poor Ryo
.
When I look up at the night sky, at those beautiful shining stars, I immediately think of you. You are the only person on my mind these days. Every day and every night, only you… always you.
Sometimes, I ask myself, why haven’t I noticed you before? Why haven’t I noticed how beautiful you looked in winter, playing with the snow? Or how serene you looked when you were looking at the flower field; or how your eyes always seemed to sparkle when you looked at the shining stars or when you were talking about something that interested you? Why only now did I notice that, when you are not by my side anymore?
I miss you.
I miss you so much that even words cannot describe this feeling I have inside. Perhaps, this is my punishment for being selfish, for always hurting you. For always making you sad, for always making you cry.
I love you. I wish I had told you those three words before. I regret the fact that I didn’t tell you how I feel for you even though I had the chance. Now, even if I scream that I love you, you can’t hear me anyway.
I pray day and night for a chance to see you, even if it is only in my dreams. I cannot bear the pain of not seeing your face. Your beautiful smiling face, the one you always showed when you were feeling happy, when you were feeling glad, when you were giddy about something.
When you slept, your face always looked so peaceful. Just like a child. I love the feeling you gave me when you were sleeping by my side. The warmth that you gave me I will never forget, because now coldness seems to be my blanket, since you are not beside me anymore. You are no longer there to keep me company at night.
*********
“Why didn’t you tell me earlier? Are you ever going to tell me?” Ueda screamed at Ryo.
Ryo glared at the older man, “I was going to tell you but there was never a right time. You and I both know that we have a very tight schedule. You were busy with your new single and I was busy with NEWS’s tour, and I just found out about it only a week ago.”
“Oh, now you want to blame it on our tight schedule? So why did it never even come up when we talked to each other last night, or the other night? You have known about it for a week, Ryo, and you could have told me when we talked on the phone but no… You just decided it’s not important enough to tell me and I had to find out about it on the news? On the FUCKING NEWS?!” Ueda yelled his disbelief at Ryo.
“Look, I’m sorry ok. I know I should have told you, but I just wanted to find the right time to tell you. And I didn’t even know they were going to broadcast about it today. I didn’t want you to find out like that. Besides, it’s just a job. The only difference is that I will be shooting in New York, not Japan.” Ryo answered back, his tone rising to match his boyfriend’s.
“That’s not the point. The point is you didn’t trust me enough to tell me about it, and I had to find out from other people, not from you. What ever happened to never keeping a secret between us? Urgh… whatever. I don’t want to deal with you right now.” Ueda said before storming out of NEWS’s dressing room. The rest of the NEWS’s members were cowering on the couch, having never before seen Ueda that angry. Ryo threw a glare towards his band mates.
Yamapi slowly rose from the couch and went towards Ryo. “Why don’t you cool off first, Ryo-chan? Let him cool off too. I’m sure Kame or Jin can talk some sense into him. If you want, I too can help.”
“That’s ok, Pi. I’ll talk to him later. You’re right, I need to cool off first before I see him.” Ryo just slumped into the sofa nearest to him.
Meanwhile, in KAT-TUN’s dressing room, Kame was trying to calm Ueda down. “Don’t say anything Kame, just don’t. I don’t want to deal with it now. Why don’t we resume our practice?” The rest - A, T, T and N - just nodded their consent. Kame watched Ueda worriedly.
All the stress from arguing with Ryo, topped by a few weeks without a good night’s sleep due to the intensive practice for their upcoming single seemed to be taking its toll on Ueda, physically and mentally. His body started to feel weak, his head started to hurt so much. Still, he pushed himself to complete his dance routine. When they had a break, he immediately downed a couple of aspirins for his headache. After a few minutes of a short break, he resumed his practice. However, the pain failed to subside, and his body could not take it anymore. Before he knew it, his world turned black.
****
All of NEWS were startled when Jin rushed into their dressing room.
“Hey, Jin, why all the rush? Did a ghost chase you?” Yamapi joked. Upon seeing the look on Jin’s face though, he knew something serious must have happened.
“Hey, what’s wrong, Jin? Is everything alright?” Yamapi asked, concern could be heard in his voice.
“It’s Tat-chan. He fainted. The ambulance is already on the way.” Ryo was already out the door before Jin even finished his last sentence. Worry laced with guilt consumed his heart. Worry if anything happened to his beloved and guilt when he remembered their argument earlier.
****
All of the members of KAT-TUN and NEWS waited anxiously for the report from the doctor that was in charge. All of them had been praying fervently for their friend’s health, for him to be safe. Ryo especially.
“Are any of you Mr. Ueda’s family members?” The voice startled them. “I am.” Ryo immediately stood up and moved to face the doctor.
“Has Mr. Ueda been involved in an accident before?” The doctor asked Ryo.
“No. Why doctor?” Ryo asked, worriedly. “Has he been hit in the head?” The doctor asked again.
“No, not that I know of. Why Doctor? What is wrong with Tatsuya?” Ryo was fidgeting.
“I think it’s possible that he might have injured his head when he was boxing, doctor, but he didn’t say anything about it to us.” Kame interjected from where he was sitting.
“I want you to hear this calmly.” The doctor sighed before continuing with his words. “It seems that Mr. Ueda has developed a blood clot in his brain and all the pressure that has built up is causing severe damage to his brain. He is in critical condition right now but we will try our very best to save him. Please, don’t give up hope yet.” The doctor stated.
Ryo felt his body went numb with the doctor’s statement. A few members, mainly Kame, Tegoshi, Nakamaru and Koyama, were already crying while the other could only stare in shock at the doctor.
****
It had been weeks after Ueda’s collapse. Ryo never went to New York like he was supposed to. How could he, especially when his beloved was lying helpless on the hospital bed? He never failed to visit Ueda in the hospital. Every day, when he finished the shooting for his drama or any of his performances, he would rush to the hospital. He did not want Ueda to feel alone. Usually, he would sit next to Ueda’s bed, holding his boyfriend’s hand tightly; hoping and praying for Ueda to open his eyes.
Today, however, something seemed different than usual. He felt there was something wrong with the atmosphere. When he arrived at Ueda’s room, he could see Dr. Mizuno, the one who was in charge of Ueda, was waiting for him. The irony did not escape him. Mizuno was the name of the doctor in his drama, One Litre of Tears; the one who failed to save the main character from death. He fervently hoped it’s different this time.
“I’m sorry, Mr. Nishikido. His brain stopped working only a few minutes ago. It was just a matter of time before his heart stopped beating. There was nothing we could do.” Dr. Mizuno said, face full of sympathy, hating the fact to be the one to deliver the sad news.
He felt it was his heart that had stopped beating when he heard the news. No, please, not him. I cannot lose him, I love him. I don’t want to lose him. He cried out over and over again in his head. He felt his body sinking to the floor. He just couldn’t believe he’d just lost the love of his live.
Why… why him? Why my love? Why me? Why did this have to happen when we are so happy together? Why oh why? Tears started running down his cheeks. He started to regret the things that he had done and had not done. He regretted all the time they spent arguing when they could have cuddled together. He regretted all the time that he did not spend with his hime when he could have done so. He regretted all the pain that he put his hime through. But most of all, he regretted that he never noticed his hime was stressed and tired, and that he never urged his hime to have a check up with the doctor when Ueda was complaining about his frequent headaches.
********
I sit on the mat, looking at the night sky with a sigh. Here I am, at one of your favourite places, the beach. Although you’re not beside me, whenever I need you I just close my eyes… to remember the feel of your touch and warmth. I hold out my hands, calling out your name... hoping you will smile at me from above.
I see an elderly couple walking along the beach, hand in hand. I choke back my tears that threaten to fall. You would’ve loved to see that, wouldn’t you? I wish you’re here with me. I wish that’s us, holding hands, walking side by side, growing old together. Oh, how I wish it’s true.
My love, my hime, why did you have to leave me? I am all alone without you. Without you, I feel that there is no meaning in my life. I have no will to continue with my life. Will you wait for me, my hime? Wait for me, for us to be reunited again. For us to be together again, until the end of time. Until forever.
*****
A/N : Well, I finally managed to finish it. This fic was supposed to be my third fic since I started doing this first before Love is a Funny Thing, but I ended up finishing that fic first. Waaaa… I killed Tat-chan. Poor Ryo
.