the act of actually caring
the act of actually caring
2,006w; pg-13 (jaeseop/jiyeon)
jaeseop never really stops loving his first love.
a/n: set in the same universe as there's always a little more but they're not really connected. i honestly don't know what this is but i wanted to write some jaeseop/jiyeon orz.
Jaeseop can’t pinpoint the exact moment of when his first love begins, he just knows it happens.
He just knows by the way he remembers watching her, the way they didn’t speak, but finding her interesting anyway. His body, too tall for the desk, in an uncomfortable position while she scribbled down notes and answered questions.
He remembers her brushing past him after the bell rings, him lingering near the doorway for that brief moment. She smells like warmth and a field of flowers in sunshine as her arm absentmindedly touches his in her flight out of the classroom.
He likes to describe her like this even though it is ironic. She never really smiles and he is kind of allergic to pollen.
Jaeseop sometimes remembers those days and likes to think that his first love never really ends.
Jiyeon doesn’t really know what she wants to be in life, so she wakes up every morning scared.
Sometimes when she brushes her teeth, she comes to the conclusion that the problem is people. People telling her she needs to figure out what she is going to be before it’s too late. She’ll spite them, getting out of study groups and lunches together and just opt for a cup of tea by herself in the nearby coffee shop.
It is usually then, late afternoon and staring at her reflection in the watery brown liquid, that she realizes the problem is not really people but rather being scared of herself.
Jaeseop doesn’t really know why he makes himself wait for things that he doesn’t need.
Kiseop sometimes tells him it’s because he’s an idiot. A good kind of idiot, Jaeseop laughs, even though it’s his own question he’s answering. He doesn’t know any other good idiots and won’t associate himself with the bad ones, so he’s quite certain there’s only one of his kind.
The sun is getting lazy over the horizon and he still has one more class so he thinks caffeine is the answer even though impatience almost makes him twiddle his thumbs as he waits for his cup of coffee.
His eyes don’t usually wander, but he can’t ignore the fact that she’s there, in the corner of the shop near the restrooms. He wants to walk by her and smile like those first meetings in movies but decides he can’t, not really, without ruining the moment by ending up in the bathroom.
Her hair is in her face, bright, bright brown from the sun holding onto the strands. Her eyes are pretty but kind of strange in a way that reminds him of an alien. He briefly wonders if she has a third eye hiding under her hair and thinks that if she was an alien, she’d be a cute one.
She looks up. Her hand brushes back the hair in her face. She has no third eye. Instead, two meet his for a fleeting moment and he thinks he sees the corners of her mouth twitch upward.
It is the first time he sees her smile.
He is a tall boy with knees that knock the bottom of the table as he waits for his drink. He is kind of sort of handsome, she thinks as she watches his profile fidget and shift in impatience.
It’s his third time in the coffee shop in the last three days (not that she’s counting) and Jiyeon wonders if he is a tea person like her, a coffee person, or both.
They share mutual smiles and warm eyes but no words. She likes the distance and the security it gives, though the needy part of her wants more, more, more. Sensible Jiyeon scolds needy Jiyeon and suppresses her so she can’t breathe and cause trouble.
She kind of forgets that he is a person too and that he can walk over to her table and sit with her.
The scent of coffee is strong and it rolls off his tongue as he asks her a harmless question. She is supposed to answer with a yes or no but her answer turns out to be not really an answer at all. He just sits down with a sheepish grin and he looks at her as if she is something, someone interesting.
I’m Jiyeon, she tells him though he never really asked.
Took you long enough to get here. Needy Jiyeon silently laughs.
Spring is when they start talking walks together.
He likes the way her hand feels perfect in his as the last of the winter wind turns their noses red and runny. She tells him she wants to hear the birds but they still haven’t come out, so they walk everyday, craning their ears for that first chirp.
They talk a lot, funny stories, sentimental words, and pretty much everything else in between. She likes to laugh more than he does, so he tells her all the ridiculous jokes he knows even though she doesn’t have any for him.
Sometimes it is in the park or overlooking the Han River, the abruptness that makes her stiffen and change the subject. He doesn’t mean to let it slip out but at times when he’s too optimistic to think, it just does.
He tries to avoid that topic because he doesn’t know the whole story and she’s not ready to tell him.
It is their second summer together when she graduates and he graduates, black graduation caps littered in the air like dark balloons and smiles everywhere.
Sojin is in the middle of congratulating them when Jiyeon’s phone rings. She glances at the caller id and shoves it back into her graduation gown before returning to Jaeseop’s side. The phone rings again once, twice, three times before Jiyeon excuses herself so she can pull out the battery in the bathroom.
Jaeseop drives her back to her apartment after the dinner and goodbyes. She clings onto his wrist because her mouth doesn’t want to shape the parting words again, not to him.
That is the night when kisses between them turn into something more, the night Jiyeon feels so lost and alone even though she is in his arms.
They have more time to spend together now that college is done. Having leisure time and being stress-free is weird to him, though he is still happy.
Sometimes they hide in the library and read, sometimes they wander around department stores and food courts. Anywhere with the air conditioning blasting and where linked hands are accepted are their places.
We haven’t gone out to the park in a while. She is dumping two bowls of cereal for them one morning while he pours the milk. It is a typical morning, a typical routine, and if they’re lucky enough, the cereal won’t be mushy by the time they get to it. He looks up for a second to see her face hiding behind a curtain of hair. We didn’t get the chance to hear the birds in the spring.
She sounds wistful, but Jaeseop doesn’t know what she needs to be wistful for when he is still right beside her.
Did you send in your resume yet? She stiffens but won’t meet his eyes and he knows the answer. The cereal box is upright on the counter and she just walks past him, no eye contact, no anything. Her fingertips snap away from his when they brush briefly during her retreat and all he wants to do right then is hold her and whisper apologizes into the top of her head but he knows she wouldn’t let him.
He still feels the coldness of her fingertips as he eats his cereal and watches the other bowl turn into a soggy mess.
Jiyeon thinks it was easier when she was alone and still in school because she didn’t have to pretend as much.
The fear is everywhere now and she still doesn’t know what she wants to be in life. But now there is something, someone, to lose and she is deathly afraid of losing her grip on it.
Summer slides into autumn and she doesn’t want a job while he gets one.
His work hours are seven to seven. A ten hour shift. Are you okay with this? His hand covers hers and she feels like he could trap her under it because she is so small. He doesn’t need to ask, it’s pointless since he already accepted and that doesn’t give her any power to make him reject.
Jiyeon has never really been a good actress but she tries. Suit yourself. She pairs it with a small smile even though needy Jiyeon is kind of suffocating beneath it.
Their routine is broken on his first day of work. It is a little sad, Jiyeon thinks as she adjusts the cuffs to his suit before he walks out the door. A little sad how she is the one left behind even though he gives her a small, chaste peck on the cheek.
The phone rings once that morning. Twice during lunch and four more times in the afternoon. She wonders why she never changes phone numbers, why there is still that hole of dread inside when she reads the caller id.
On the eighth call, she picks up.
Jaeseop finds her crying in the bathroom with her knees tucked toward her chin when he comes home. There is no celebratory dinner or warm smiles, just Jiyeon so cold and fragile in his arms.
He does not know this isn’t the first time she’s cried without him.
I don’t know what I want to be.
It is a weekend morning and they are supposed to be going through their morning routine with the cereal bowls but it hasn’t happened for a long time because Jiyeon always wakes up a little later now. It’s just him eating, watching her as she walks toward the cupboard to make her own breakfast like nothing is wrong.
What do you mean? He puts down his spoon. She just shrugs absentmindedly and shakes the cereal box. Once, twice. The cereal box goes back into the cupboard.
I’m scared because I don’t know what I’m going to be. Her voice does not shake and her tone is casual but when she turns to get the milk, he can see her eyes are a little wet.
My parents never really liked me. It is his day off and they are taking a walk in the park. It’s a few months late and the beginning of the winter wind turns their noses red and runny. She uses her words like a butterknife, blunt but sharp and unforgiving to herself.
He doesn’t respond, just holds her hand in his and squeezes, waiting for her to speak again. Their footsteps crunch the fallen leaves. Orange, red, yellow pass before she takes a deep breath.
They just wanted things from me. No, they just expected things from me. Her eyes look up to the sky. But they didn't really care about what I wanted.
And what do you want? He wonders if she will stiffen in the same way she has for the past few years he has known and loved her. Her breaths come out as little clouds of steam and he thinks she looks a little like a baby dragon as the corners of her mouth twitch upward.
To be happy.
She tightens her grip on his hand and she is finally not scared to say the words aloud.
Autumn turns to winter and the phone calls stop coming.
I love you.
Sometimes the words feel kind of meaningless when he says them aloud to her, so he doesn’t say them often. They just both kind of know in their small, secretive smiles and routines.
It is spring again, the park is still their park for taking strolls, and his first love is still the one he loves most.
(They haven’t heard the birds’ first chirp of the season and maybe they never will, but they keep craning their ears anyway.)
2,006w; pg-13 (jaeseop/jiyeon)
jaeseop never really stops loving his first love.
a/n: set in the same universe as there's always a little more but they're not really connected. i honestly don't know what this is but i wanted to write some jaeseop/jiyeon orz.
Jaeseop can’t pinpoint the exact moment of when his first love begins, he just knows it happens.
He just knows by the way he remembers watching her, the way they didn’t speak, but finding her interesting anyway. His body, too tall for the desk, in an uncomfortable position while she scribbled down notes and answered questions.
He remembers her brushing past him after the bell rings, him lingering near the doorway for that brief moment. She smells like warmth and a field of flowers in sunshine as her arm absentmindedly touches his in her flight out of the classroom.
He likes to describe her like this even though it is ironic. She never really smiles and he is kind of allergic to pollen.
Jaeseop sometimes remembers those days and likes to think that his first love never really ends.
Jiyeon doesn’t really know what she wants to be in life, so she wakes up every morning scared.
Sometimes when she brushes her teeth, she comes to the conclusion that the problem is people. People telling her she needs to figure out what she is going to be before it’s too late. She’ll spite them, getting out of study groups and lunches together and just opt for a cup of tea by herself in the nearby coffee shop.
It is usually then, late afternoon and staring at her reflection in the watery brown liquid, that she realizes the problem is not really people but rather being scared of herself.
Jaeseop doesn’t really know why he makes himself wait for things that he doesn’t need.
Kiseop sometimes tells him it’s because he’s an idiot. A good kind of idiot, Jaeseop laughs, even though it’s his own question he’s answering. He doesn’t know any other good idiots and won’t associate himself with the bad ones, so he’s quite certain there’s only one of his kind.
The sun is getting lazy over the horizon and he still has one more class so he thinks caffeine is the answer even though impatience almost makes him twiddle his thumbs as he waits for his cup of coffee.
His eyes don’t usually wander, but he can’t ignore the fact that she’s there, in the corner of the shop near the restrooms. He wants to walk by her and smile like those first meetings in movies but decides he can’t, not really, without ruining the moment by ending up in the bathroom.
Her hair is in her face, bright, bright brown from the sun holding onto the strands. Her eyes are pretty but kind of strange in a way that reminds him of an alien. He briefly wonders if she has a third eye hiding under her hair and thinks that if she was an alien, she’d be a cute one.
She looks up. Her hand brushes back the hair in her face. She has no third eye. Instead, two meet his for a fleeting moment and he thinks he sees the corners of her mouth twitch upward.
It is the first time he sees her smile.
He is a tall boy with knees that knock the bottom of the table as he waits for his drink. He is kind of sort of handsome, she thinks as she watches his profile fidget and shift in impatience.
It’s his third time in the coffee shop in the last three days (not that she’s counting) and Jiyeon wonders if he is a tea person like her, a coffee person, or both.
They share mutual smiles and warm eyes but no words. She likes the distance and the security it gives, though the needy part of her wants more, more, more. Sensible Jiyeon scolds needy Jiyeon and suppresses her so she can’t breathe and cause trouble.
She kind of forgets that he is a person too and that he can walk over to her table and sit with her.
The scent of coffee is strong and it rolls off his tongue as he asks her a harmless question. She is supposed to answer with a yes or no but her answer turns out to be not really an answer at all. He just sits down with a sheepish grin and he looks at her as if she is something, someone interesting.
I’m Jiyeon, she tells him though he never really asked.
Took you long enough to get here. Needy Jiyeon silently laughs.
Spring is when they start talking walks together.
He likes the way her hand feels perfect in his as the last of the winter wind turns their noses red and runny. She tells him she wants to hear the birds but they still haven’t come out, so they walk everyday, craning their ears for that first chirp.
They talk a lot, funny stories, sentimental words, and pretty much everything else in between. She likes to laugh more than he does, so he tells her all the ridiculous jokes he knows even though she doesn’t have any for him.
Sometimes it is in the park or overlooking the Han River, the abruptness that makes her stiffen and change the subject. He doesn’t mean to let it slip out but at times when he’s too optimistic to think, it just does.
He tries to avoid that topic because he doesn’t know the whole story and she’s not ready to tell him.
It is their second summer together when she graduates and he graduates, black graduation caps littered in the air like dark balloons and smiles everywhere.
Sojin is in the middle of congratulating them when Jiyeon’s phone rings. She glances at the caller id and shoves it back into her graduation gown before returning to Jaeseop’s side. The phone rings again once, twice, three times before Jiyeon excuses herself so she can pull out the battery in the bathroom.
Jaeseop drives her back to her apartment after the dinner and goodbyes. She clings onto his wrist because her mouth doesn’t want to shape the parting words again, not to him.
That is the night when kisses between them turn into something more, the night Jiyeon feels so lost and alone even though she is in his arms.
They have more time to spend together now that college is done. Having leisure time and being stress-free is weird to him, though he is still happy.
Sometimes they hide in the library and read, sometimes they wander around department stores and food courts. Anywhere with the air conditioning blasting and where linked hands are accepted are their places.
We haven’t gone out to the park in a while. She is dumping two bowls of cereal for them one morning while he pours the milk. It is a typical morning, a typical routine, and if they’re lucky enough, the cereal won’t be mushy by the time they get to it. He looks up for a second to see her face hiding behind a curtain of hair. We didn’t get the chance to hear the birds in the spring.
She sounds wistful, but Jaeseop doesn’t know what she needs to be wistful for when he is still right beside her.
Did you send in your resume yet? She stiffens but won’t meet his eyes and he knows the answer. The cereal box is upright on the counter and she just walks past him, no eye contact, no anything. Her fingertips snap away from his when they brush briefly during her retreat and all he wants to do right then is hold her and whisper apologizes into the top of her head but he knows she wouldn’t let him.
He still feels the coldness of her fingertips as he eats his cereal and watches the other bowl turn into a soggy mess.
Jiyeon thinks it was easier when she was alone and still in school because she didn’t have to pretend as much.
The fear is everywhere now and she still doesn’t know what she wants to be in life. But now there is something, someone, to lose and she is deathly afraid of losing her grip on it.
Summer slides into autumn and she doesn’t want a job while he gets one.
His work hours are seven to seven. A ten hour shift. Are you okay with this? His hand covers hers and she feels like he could trap her under it because she is so small. He doesn’t need to ask, it’s pointless since he already accepted and that doesn’t give her any power to make him reject.
Jiyeon has never really been a good actress but she tries. Suit yourself. She pairs it with a small smile even though needy Jiyeon is kind of suffocating beneath it.
Their routine is broken on his first day of work. It is a little sad, Jiyeon thinks as she adjusts the cuffs to his suit before he walks out the door. A little sad how she is the one left behind even though he gives her a small, chaste peck on the cheek.
The phone rings once that morning. Twice during lunch and four more times in the afternoon. She wonders why she never changes phone numbers, why there is still that hole of dread inside when she reads the caller id.
On the eighth call, she picks up.
Jaeseop finds her crying in the bathroom with her knees tucked toward her chin when he comes home. There is no celebratory dinner or warm smiles, just Jiyeon so cold and fragile in his arms.
He does not know this isn’t the first time she’s cried without him.
I don’t know what I want to be.
It is a weekend morning and they are supposed to be going through their morning routine with the cereal bowls but it hasn’t happened for a long time because Jiyeon always wakes up a little later now. It’s just him eating, watching her as she walks toward the cupboard to make her own breakfast like nothing is wrong.
What do you mean? He puts down his spoon. She just shrugs absentmindedly and shakes the cereal box. Once, twice. The cereal box goes back into the cupboard.
I’m scared because I don’t know what I’m going to be. Her voice does not shake and her tone is casual but when she turns to get the milk, he can see her eyes are a little wet.
My parents never really liked me. It is his day off and they are taking a walk in the park. It’s a few months late and the beginning of the winter wind turns their noses red and runny. She uses her words like a butterknife, blunt but sharp and unforgiving to herself.
He doesn’t respond, just holds her hand in his and squeezes, waiting for her to speak again. Their footsteps crunch the fallen leaves. Orange, red, yellow pass before she takes a deep breath.
They just wanted things from me. No, they just expected things from me. Her eyes look up to the sky. But they didn't really care about what I wanted.
And what do you want? He wonders if she will stiffen in the same way she has for the past few years he has known and loved her. Her breaths come out as little clouds of steam and he thinks she looks a little like a baby dragon as the corners of her mouth twitch upward.
To be happy.
She tightens her grip on his hand and she is finally not scared to say the words aloud.
Autumn turns to winter and the phone calls stop coming.
I love you.
Sometimes the words feel kind of meaningless when he says them aloud to her, so he doesn’t say them often. They just both kind of know in their small, secretive smiles and routines.
It is spring again, the park is still their park for taking strolls, and his first love is still the one he loves most.
(They haven’t heard the birds’ first chirp of the season and maybe they never will, but they keep craning their ears anyway.)