PLAYING GOD - FINALE!
Title: PLAYING GOD [5/5]
Beta: technicolorrain
Characters: The Way family; mentions of Frank/Gerard.
Rating: PG-13.
Disclaimer: My characters. Their own looks. Don't steal.
Warning: Includes strong Catholic beliefs, but I have no intentions in hurting anyone's feelings. Be aware of that throughout the whole story.
Summary: Michael is a believer. The Way Clan and God made him that way.
#01. | #02. | #03. | #04.
Michael’s nineteens will never be forgotten.
It’s been months since Nan left the hospital and came to live with Michael’s family. After her husband died years ago, she’s been living alone, but now she’s staying with Michael, Gerard and their parents to be taken care of, as her age and heart situation require. Not that Nan minds being taken care of. They’re her family, and after being lonely for so long, it feels good to be with others again.
Nan is doing well at their house. She seems happier than before. Michael knows that he is, now with Nan better. He enjoys spending time with Nan. They sit and talk for hours at a time, when Michael comes home from work, or has nothing to do on the weekends. She enjoys that too, Michael can tell, because she seems interested in what he says, and very certain of her answers, and also very delighted to share those moments with her grandson.
These moments aren’t the only ones they share. They also pray together every day before dinner, reunited in the spare bedroom of the house where Nan has been sleeping since she arrived. They pray out loud inside that room and share direct dialogs to God, and Michael loves to do that in there with her because she was the first one to teach him about religion and because she taught him how to pray correctly.
They do it because it’s only natural to them, but Michael keeps in mind the main reason behind his current belief and constant prayers; Gerard. His brother has changed since Nan came home; in the first week, nothing happened, but Michael once overheard a very special conversation. He had gone downstairs to see Gerard and ask how he was doing, (since Frank had gone missing for some time for a reason only he knew). Michael had been ready to knock, but stopped at the bedroom door when he heard the voices from inside Gerard’s room. Michael listened as Nan asked Gerard if he would do something - something that Michael was oblivious about - and the brother promised her he would. He promised he would change, and try to get better no matter how bad he was feeling. Michael needed no more.
Michael just ignores the jealousy inside himself; he knows that Nan was told about Gerard’s condition, and that she was the only person who might be able to help Gerard. But Michael wished he could have been the one to make Gerard promise that he would change. After all, they were brothers: brothers were supposed to be best friends.
However, he chooses to ignore such feelings and tires to comprehend how wrong they are. Consequently, he goes back to his conversations with God, either alone by his bed every morning and night, or with Nan in her bedroom before every day’s dinner. He feels comfortable and at peace when he resigns his silence and gives his heart and mind to God. Michael wants to be the best believer, even if the High Power responds slowly and silently, because He will always be there for him, and vice-versa.
Frank finally calls Gerard a few weeks later, telling him that he was on a family vacation and unable to reach him. Michael can see there is a small change in his brother after this, because as he observes him he can see a small smile on his lips. Today Gerard is talking to Nan, with the same small smile. Michael knows Gerard really is trying to adjust himself, because he almost doesn’t recognize his brother: not only because Gerard is in the living room (finally out of the basement), but he also laughs a little at something Nan just told him and he smiles an honest smile when the bell rings.
“It’s Frank,” Gerard says in an audible whisper and hops up off the couch. Nan and Michael watch as he looks down at his clothes, fixing small wrinkles and brushing off imaginary dust. Gerard is only wearing the regular black t-shirt and skinny jeans, which still look horribly baggy on his frame. Michael doesn’t understand why he’s trying to make it look better when it clearly can’t, but his mouth tugs a little smile as he enjoys this new attitude from Gerard.
“I want to surprise him,” Gerard concludes with a smile to Michael and Nan, who nods her head and smiles back. The bell rings again and Gerard moves closer to the door, making Michael feel very proud of his older brother. He remembers the night, when he was praying and having visions of Jesus Christ’s walking-over-water miracle; Gerard knocked on his bedroom door to tell him that, since Nan was getting better, he wanted to do so too. Now, Michael notices that Gerard really has changed for better and he loves that.
Gerard opens the door as Nan sits on the couch next to Michael, and they both turn their heads as Frank’s voice sounds. “Hey. Gee…” He sounds surprised.
“Welcome back, Frank,” Gerard replies, taking Frank’s hand and pulling him in, closing the door behind him, for a quick kiss. “You okay?”
“Yeah,” Frank says slowly, with wide eyes, digesting the scene in front of him. “Gee, are you smiling?” he asks at last, visibly beaming at Gerard. Michael can tell that he is very, very surprised.
“I missed you,” Michael hears his brother say. He turns back to look at the TV, and imagines a kiss being shared by the front door, due to the lack of human voices sounding. Michael looks at his grandmother and she’s smiling too, before she winks, obviously anticipating the “I missed you too,” coming from Frank’s only-a-bit-panting voice.
That’s the last thing Michael can properly hear as he shuts down to the rest of the scene; he’s focusing on the words constantly repeating inside his head for the obvious reasons and his various actions from the past; thank you, Lord.
**
The next Saturday is very calm. Michael is in the kitchen preparing lunch for six people, even if he’s alone at home right now. He doesn’t mind at all, because it means he can talk, pray and sing out loud, knowing only he and God will listen, and he likes that. That and the idea of so many people united for lunch that day. It’s unique for the time, Michael thinks, and he ponders about the situation.
Dad joining them is the biggest surprise, because he used to spend hours on end at work, definitely to avoid the tension and other feelings that used to occupy the house. Now though, he comes home for lunch in the middle of the afternoon during his six-day work week. On Sundays, he stays at home and spends time with the family. He’s also grown to accept Gerard’s sexuality to everyone’s surprise, and for a reason that Michael can’t put his finger on, he asks very often for Frank. Michael loves the change and he thanks only One.
Mom remains the same caring and active mother, dwelling in pain or inundating of joy accordingly to the family’s mood. She’s happier now, and Michael prays for that feeling to last very long.
Nan is once more the light of the house and the reason for everyone’s smiling expressions. Michael knows she loves every single one of them with all her heart, even if now it still is weak and needs to be carefully taken care of. She’s always worried about being unhappy and that’s the reason why she makes them grin, and laugh, and be a real family. Michael loves that and everything else about his grandmother, who will come home soon from the cemetery, where she went with Mom.
Gerard is the most wonderful case of success in the house, in Michael’s opinion. His brother is back! He smiles, he talks, and he laughs; he shares good things with Michael again, he holds Frank’s hand in front of everyone, and he gets out of the house for walks. He also sits at the kitchen table during meals and Michael is proud that Gerard can eat again, even if it’s such small portions. Michael feels deeply in his heart, hope and faith that it all will get even better with time and patience… and prayers.
And then there’s Frank, who has been a part of the family, since he was introduced to them after Mass, a long time ago. The two have shared many years of friendship with each other, even if they were so different in many points of their lives and convictions. That didn’t matter to them however, even as Gerard joined the group, which triggered the change in feelings. Michael wasn’t jealous that Frank and Gerard got closer and became boyfriends later; and he still isn’t because he knows that those feelings are true and strong. He knows how supportive Frank can be to Gerard and himself, and he knows how much Frank cares for Gerard and wants him to be healthy, lively and happy. Michael can’t be jealous of that because he feels the same towards Gerard, only in his brotherly way, and even towards Frank, in his friendly way of loving him.
So they will all come home soon, and Michael is almost done with their lunch. He is focusing on that while thinking of how much more right his life feels now. He definitely can multi-task as he’s still mouth-whispering his prayers or songs to God, which actually are his favorite because Nan once told him that singing holy hymns was transferring a double, or triple, power to the words and God would listen to them better and more carefully.
Michael still believes in that, because after all Nan wouldn’t lie to him. Michael looks up from making lunch, and can see on the main road, that someone is coming to the house. The strange thing is, is that the street isn’t there: it’s the never ending lake and the figure is walking on the water, dressed in the white tunic. However, this time it isn’t Christ. Michael is looking at himself, he recognizes the brown hair and the square glasses, and his previous smiles and hymns fade away. He can’t quite comprehend the meaning of that vision. Christ has done the miracle of walking on water, but Michael can’t do it; it’s humanly impossible. So, what can it mean? He wonders if it’s related to the fact that all his prayers have been, and continue to be answered. He considers that it could be a premonition that everything will be as alright with his family as he wants it to be.
Michael smiles again, staring at his miraculous image, and turns around to dissolve the vision before it gets too addicting. He thinks that continuing his prayers and sacrifices can be the way to go and reach his current goals. Since Nan came to live with them, Michael hasn’t sacrificed in any way because it all started going back to place, but maybe now he’s being called to re-start those self-inflicted choices. The vision, he thinks, has definitely come to him to make him see that. He tries to think of something as the prayers return to his head and mouth.
He’s whispering and thinking that he needs to be fast to not get caught by anyone suddenly coming home; quickly he checks on the boiling lunch before running to the table to get a glass. He spins it in his hands and an idea hits him; he still has to open all the cabinets in the room because his prayers occupy all parts of his mind and he can’t exactly focus on anything else. Michael just moves out of instinct.
Opening the right door at last, he glances at his target and the sounds in his head get louder and come out through his mouth as actual words. He reaches for the thin plastic bottle and pours its contents into the glass in his hand. Michael brings it closer to his face and the smell of pure white-wine vinegar is strong, right in front of his nose like that; he whimpers in between prayers and is quiet for one moment before bringing the glass to his lips.
He takes slow and long sips of his sacrificial drink, and the nasty taste fills his throat, because it sure doesn’t taste any good. He prepares another one though, a bitter sensation in his stomach, but a sweet one in his soul. His prayers get louder and he speaks them out loud, as they’re very deep in his mind, and natural in his soul. He prays to God and to Mary with the third glass; his belief somehow detached him from the horrible taste because it all happens while Michael focuses on Gerard, and Nan, and everyone else soon getting home. Finally, he can’t drink any more.
He swallows the hash lump in his throat and puts the glass in the sink to clean it out, before putting the bottle back in the cabinet; “Assist our family, Holy Father,” Michael randomly says before another Our Father and checks on lunch again, making sure to also remove any evidence that can denounce his previous actions. The prayer ends and he’s ready to start another one, right after his sigh, but he can hear the door being unlocked, so he turns around with his regular smile on.
“Hello, Michael! We’re home!”
“Hello, Mom.” He turns around. “Nan. Lunch’s almost ready.”
**
It’s Wednesday evening. Michael comes home from work, it’s already past six o’clock, and the house is empty. He knows the mother and the father will be arriving soon from their own jobs, but it’s weird to not find Nan or Gerard at home; Michael worries that Gerard may have done something to himself in the basement bedroom. Panicked, Michael runs down to check, but no- the dark room is tidied and empty. It only means that Nan has been there and together they have gone somewhere.
Michael shrugs and goes to the kitchen to prepare something for dinner, because that’s what he does for his family. So, he consults his mother’s weekly schedule to see what she predicted for that day’s meal. Pasta is written down, and yes! It’s pasta night! Michael smiles as he imagines the smell and flavor of steaming carbohydrates and delicious sauce; mmm. He’s getting everything ready, exposing all the necessary ingredients, bowls and utensils on the counter when the door sound opens and closes, and in come Gerard and Nan. They walk in and Michael smiles.
“Oh! Hello Michael,” Nan greets with a similar smile and gets closer to kiss his cheek caringly.
“Hey there, Mikey,” he hears Gerard and sees him pull out two chairs by the table. Why two?
Then he sees that Frank is just walking in. “Mikes!” he nearly yells and runs to pull Michael into a tight hug; that’s just how joyful Frank can be at times. “I missed you, buddy!” He playfully squeals and ruffles Michael’s hair as everyone smiles or laughs in the room.
“How could you? You’ve practically moved into our house!” Michael teases.
--
Sometime after dinner Michael is in the living room with Mom, Dad and Nan, half-watching TV, half-dozing off from boredom. Suddenly, the basement door sounds weirdly. Gerard and Frank had retired to the basement as soon as the meal was over and now they’re coming back upstairs; Michael’s eyes snap open at the noise, and he stares at the two boyfriends walking in… looking suspiciously flushed and red on their lips. Michael shakes his head playfully.
“Frank’s going home, everyone,” Gerard announces with one palm rubbing one of Frank’s shoulders, as they both smile. Then, everyone waves goodbye and wishes him a good night.
“Bye, Frankie,” Michael squeals jokingly and flutters his eyelids towards Frank, making him laugh and Gerard scoff at the same time. He’s looking over the backboard of the couch and watches Gerard kissing Frank’s temple and whispering another of the boyfriends’ secrets.
Michael can only smile, because his brother has just changed so much the past weeks that it’s almost unbelievable. If Michael hadn’t seen Gerard’s evolution for himself, he wouldn’t believe it, if someone had just told him. He feels proud of his older brother for having succeeded in getting better, and also proud for having done it again.
It started working when he was only a boy of ten years old, then it worked years later when bugs plagued at least three different cities in the country, and even more years later when Nan had two heart attacks; now, it’s working on Gerard. God is being his best friend; He has always been Michael’s greatest, more trustworthy Friend and Father to Whom Michael will always turn to in critical times.
Running thoughts inside his head, Michael stares at Gerard after he closes the door and watches him intently as he sits on another couch in the room. Gerard finally looks up and meets Michael’s eyes. They smile, but Michael can see deeply into Gerard’s eyes and he just knows it’s not over yet.
--
Michael is reading a book in the silence of his bedroom; there’s only the light from his bedside lamp illuminating the small area by the headboard of his bed. He’s lying half down against it, weirdly sitting cross-legged under the duvet in nothing but his pajamas, and he’s waiting. The clock on the nightstand reads half past midnight and Michael knows most of his family is either falling asleep or already sleeping, because they always go to bed early on week days.
He waits for another half hour, half-reading the thriller story in his hands, half-dozing off to thoughts of what he’s about to do. As always, his heart is beating fast against his ribcage, fast and very hard, because of that adrenaline his body releases at the thought of getting up, doing it and getting caught. He doesn’t want that, so he waits, just another ten minutes and, then, he finally closes the book and gets up from the bed.
Michael does everything as silently as he can. Everyone in the house is in bed and he can’t risk anything, so he only pitter-patters through the corridor and downstairs to the kitchen, where he stops and listens. Nothing. It means that he’s safe to do what he came here to do.
The middle of the night is Michael’s favorite moment for this daily sacrifice, because in the past Father Doyen made him see that sometimes we have to allow sufferance to come down on us, so that others can enjoy God’s mercy. And Michael wants that; he will make himself suffer to let others feel how God can be a good friend; he will prove his faith and strength through pain and he knows the Holy Father will listen to his prayers and see that he is strong enough to keep an eye on himself and on others that may need help - for anything.
Michael sees things this way, believing in God the way his family has taught him to and believing that everyone can feel and see the same God he does.
That’s why Michael comes to the kitchen in the silence and secrecy of the night, with his purpose, his goals and his prayers in mind. And there he gives life to his sacrifice: sometimes it’s handfuls of salt, or rotten food he hid somewhere (since he usually takes care of all kitchen duties by himself), but tonight is one to drink. So, Michael gets a glass from the dishwasher, opens the right cabinet and gets the plastic bottle that contains the white-wine vinegar - Michael’s best friend for the current belief in his heart.
In his mind, there’s the image of his presently happy family, the wish to keep things like that, but also the image carved deeply in Gerard’s eyes. Michael knows he can see through his brother and, deep down there, right where not many can reach, Michael still reads pain. He just knows it’s not over yet, as though Gerard feels better and wants to keep it that way for everyone’s sake, but he can’t just get out of it. Michael’s eyes fill with tears at the thought of his brother, locked within a ghastly feeling Gerard doesn’t want to feel, and that Michael doesn’t want Gerard to feel.
When Michael looks into Gerard’s eyes, he can read that Gerard feels stuck in the hole that he got himself into years ago. Therefore, Michael wants to keep helping Gerard through God, so he does the only thing he can think of: he whispers his favorite prayers, thinks of his best brother and best friend and drinks his second glass of the night. The bittersweet sensation swims freely, lost within his insides as soon as it gets there, extending the bitterness down his throat and drowning that sweetness deep within his soul. Finally it all consumes him from inside out, and he feels somewhat hopeful, so he prepares the third glass of vinegar. He always has an extra plastic bottle to compensate those mysterious ‘vinegar disappearances’, but that’s not what fills his mind now.
As soon as he brings the glass to his mouth, he inhales and the nasty odor makes him feel dizzy; everything stops. His whispered prayer fades to nothingness, his thoughts to blankness, and Michael feels like his brother; he has dug a hole that’s too deep now and he can’t get out. He just can’t climb up those walls and set himself free anymore, only to suffer and save his brother Gerard, but he’s also tired, especially of the visions. They keep coming to him, the never ending lake, the figure in that white tunic walking on the water. And he has dreams too, about himself walking over that lake and having to see Gerard drowning in those waters; Frank is there too, trying to save Gerard and calling for Michael’s help, but he can’t do anything because his feet barely touch the surface, and he can’t kneel down, and his hands won’t be able to pull Gerard up.
Michael doesn’t know what those mean anymore and he’s confused, so he keeps praying to God to try and get the explanation for those images, perhaps fears, and to pray and try to steal Gerard from his very own hole.
Michael finally drinks that third glass of vinegar and his eyes close at the repulsive taste, at the impure scent, but he can’t avoid the lonely tears. They fall at his situation, but he wipes them right away because God will help him, if Michael believes enough. He knows that.
He prays inside his head, over and over and over again, until his mind is at peace once more and his heart beats regularly. He’s calm again and he takes care of everything in the kitchen, tidying everything, removing all evidences of his presence there, so that he can go back to his room. That’s Michael’s intention, but as he gets to the bottom of the stairs, he finds Gerard.
He’s only wearing a t-shirt and boxer briefs, as he has clearly come from bed, but Michael recognizes his actions from somewhere. Gerard is wiping his mouth with the back of his hand and rubs his cheek afterwards, but from his palm a single drop of water falls, as though he has washed his hands and failed at drying them. Oh, no…
“Goodnight, Mikey,” Gerard says as he walks to the kitchen. Their eyes meet brutally and Michael can read that deepness again, feeling that the sacrifice still isn’t enough. Gerard can’t hold the gaze and he suddenly looks away when Michael tries to show him his concern, but Michael sighs and decides to respond.
“Goodnight, Gerard.” He walks closer to the first step of the stairs, but turns around to follow Gerard’s figure.
In those sleeping clothes, he seems too tall and too thin, but not in the same way as Michael. He has always been thin and tall, but he knows he never looked that ill. Gerard’s bones are poking out from everywhere; Michael can see the cartilage on Gerard’s heels, and the weird forms of his knees, and the hipbones protruding beneath the thin fabric of boxer briefs, and the way his t-shirt looks too large for him, even though when Frank gave it to him for his birthday a few months ago, it fit well. On the back of Gerard’s neck, Michael can distinguish his spine perfectly. He whimpers when the brother turns right and enters the kitchen, leaving behind the phantom of his lack of weight and the reflex of his so-pale, almost-grey skin. It’s awful.
Michael wonders how it can be possible, so much that there is no answer. But there’s space for a prayer and the too many memories from everything Michael has seen in his brother. For too many years, Michael has seen too many things in Gerard, from the incomprehensible images of his young teenage years that make full sense now, to the barely-existent slice of apple, to the days he found Gerard passed out or vomiting, and even to how much Frank has been on his side - to save Gerard. It’s not over yet.
As his third Our Father fades to silence, Gerard re-appears at the kitchen door and catches Michael’s eyes from where he’s standing by the stairs. He’s smiling weakly, certainly trying to look secure of himself, but Michael just reads through him and knows that it’s all fake. “Gerard…”
“It’s okay, Mikey,” the brother says immediately, not waiting to hear the concern Michael is just about to word. “Everything will be alright,” Gerard states and kisses Michael’s cheek. He is left silent, not knowing how to react, or what to think or what to say.
So he just watches.
Gerard walks the rest of the way to the basement door and Michael’s eyes follow his figure again, still so tall, so scarily thin. The next prayer, this time to Mary, begins its rhythm in Michael’s head as soon as his eyes land on Gerard’s left hand, because his right one grabs the door handle to the basement door. It’s not over yet… Gerard carries what seems to be a water bottle, made of plastic, but it has no label on it, so maybe it doesn’t contain water at all. Michael shakes his head as his eyes burn from tears, blurring his vision even with his square glasses on; it’s hopelessness and Michael prays again as the basement door closes and he tries to memorize Gerard’s words to him; everything will be alright.
He stays there for some time, still not knowing how to react, but soon his mental prayer ends and he mechanically ascends the stairs to his own bedroom. It’s dark in there too, so he goes to the window and opens the blinds, eyes closed fearing his visions, but his eyes could use some natural moonlight. Michael opens his eyes and he sees only the street lamps and the houses, and the almost full moon sharing its brilliant shape with him.
Michael sighs, feeling too empty, and he moves in his bedroom to kneel by the bed; opening the only drawer on his nightstand, he pulls out the rosary and holds it in his hands, as Gerard occupies his mind again, along with his own confusion. He talks to God with whispers, Michael feels and knows that he will spend the night awake and praying. Any time he feels sleepy, Michael just gets up and walks around or presses the rosary beads further against his fingers, nearly ripping the skin there. He never stops his prayer until the moment he can’t fight it anymore.
He finally gets too tired to stay awake, and he lets himself climb into bed, and eventually falls asleep as words escape his tongue by themselves.
“Our Father, Who art in heaven; hallowed be Thy name; Thy kingdom come; Thy will be done on earth as it is in heaven. Give us this day our daily bread…”
**
“And forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us, and lead us not into temptation; but deliver us from evil. Amen,” they say.
It’s the next Saturday, the day of Michael’s twentieth birthday. The whole family isn’t at work, but they’re not at home either. Frank is there too, because he has slowly made his way into that concept of family, and he’s close to everyone’s heart for the love he feels towards everyone. Michael stares at him and watches Frank’s deep gaze and the dark circles that rest around his eyes, evidently showing a lack of sleep. Next to him is Nan, who is like a grandmother to Frank, too. There are tears in her eyes as she looks around to everyone and spreads her everlasting love to all of them.
Michael can also see his mother and his father, holding hands lovingly; definitely grateful for being together. There are other family members there that carry the same blood and genetic cells, all untied on this particular day, and they are giving Michael caring, and apologetic looks.
Awkwardly or not, Gerard is by Michael’s side, his horribly pale skin looks even worse, especially from this angle. Michael can see once more the sick shape of every single bone on Gerard’s face, like his protruding cheekbones, and on Gerard’s fingers, like his too-much-defined knuckles as his hands lie together. Michael stares at his figure and tries to form a smile, but his mind is too confused and his feelings too messed-up.
Michael has no hurry and he doesn’t want to do this, to say these things. It’s his twentieth birthday, and merely three days ago Gerard promised him, at their meeting by the stairs, that everything would be alright. However, no matter how much Michael wishes that things were okay, Gerard was clearly wrong. He still is wrong, looking so ill and being so silent by Michael’s side. Michael clears his throat, eyes falling on Frank again and he finally begins his words.
“Gerard knows I love him and I did everything I could to save him. I guess he didn't want to be saved, or didn't think he needed that."
He whimpers and pauses, catching Frank's eyes with his own and sharing the pain, and the loneliness left in their hearts. Nan catches his gaze too, and nods slightly, as if giving him the strength to go on. He looks forward, to no one at all, as words fall freely from his tongue.
"I never thought You were capable of getting angry for something like this. You made me believe and pray. You saved my mother from asphyxiation, when I was ten, through my prayers. You saved those towns from bug plagues, when I was fourteen, through my prayers. You saved my grandmother from two serious heart attacks, not that long ago, through my prayers. You showed me Your son in visions, and gave me images of myself miraculously walking over never-ending waters, as I sacrificed myself and showed You that I was strong enough to bear that suffering, so that You might focus Your mercy in my brother and best friend, but no. Just because Gerard didn't believe in you as much as we all do..."
Michael pauses for only two seconds, so that he can get his breath back, because his words almost lead him to forget that he has to breathe to live and talk.
"It's unfair. Just because he didn't believe, you didn't..." He looks at Gerard in the middle of the church, lying down with his eyes closed, but now Michael knows it isn't from passing out. He sniffs. "You didn’t try to save him. It’s not fair! He was trying to believe in You! He was trying to dig himself out of the hole, that You allowed him to sink in! I fought by his side for him, even though he didn’t know that I was, and even if he didn’t ask for me to.
"Do You think I tried to take Your place? Is that why You got so angry and took him away from me - away from us?! Away from FRANK?! I only asked for Your help and Your endless mercy, because my brother was sick. I believed you would answer me, if I did what You taught me to do throughout the years. I sacrificed everything, so that You might help me, and my brother. But all you did, was take his life.”
Michael takes a long pause and sees that nearly everyone is silently crying. His mother is looking down and shaking her head heavily. His father is looking at him with teary eyes that pierce right into his soul. Nan is just letting her tears fall, holding the hand of Frank, who is... not there; he just stares at the coffin and seems unfocused. Everyone else is listening.
Michael sighs. "I hope Gerard meets You in peace."
Michael takes a final glance at the small crowd in front of him, and he feels that Father Doyen is looking directly at him from somewhere, that he just can’t see. Then he turns around and stares at his brother in his black clothes, his pale skin contrasting to everything around him except for his awful bones. Michael lets tears fall down from the confusion he feels inside, not daring to look away from his brother's dead face as he walks closer to the coffin. His eyes focus solely on his brother, and no where else (especially not up because there will be God there, staring back at him and trying to tell him that it had to be like this). Michael can’t believe that right now, as he knows he won’t be able to keep the same belief in his heart and mind anymore. Gerard left him and took Michael's faith with him.
Michael approaches the coffin, and rests his hand lightly on Gerard’s hair. As he does, there’s a sob from the crowd that Michael knows can only be Frank. It sounds too hurt, and too mournful to be anyone else. Blinking his own tears out of his eyes, Michael leans down and presses a kiss to his dead brother’s temple. The pale skin is ice cold against his lips, and as Michael brings himself back up, a single tear falls from his eye and onto his brother. “I’ll see you later, Gee.”
THE END
Beta: technicolorrain
Characters: The Way family; mentions of Frank/Gerard.
Rating: PG-13.
Disclaimer: My characters. Their own looks. Don't steal.
Warning: Includes strong Catholic beliefs, but I have no intentions in hurting anyone's feelings. Be aware of that throughout the whole story.
Summary: Michael is a believer. The Way Clan and God made him that way.
#01. | #02. | #03. | #04.
Michael’s nineteens will never be forgotten.
It’s been months since Nan left the hospital and came to live with Michael’s family. After her husband died years ago, she’s been living alone, but now she’s staying with Michael, Gerard and their parents to be taken care of, as her age and heart situation require. Not that Nan minds being taken care of. They’re her family, and after being lonely for so long, it feels good to be with others again.
Nan is doing well at their house. She seems happier than before. Michael knows that he is, now with Nan better. He enjoys spending time with Nan. They sit and talk for hours at a time, when Michael comes home from work, or has nothing to do on the weekends. She enjoys that too, Michael can tell, because she seems interested in what he says, and very certain of her answers, and also very delighted to share those moments with her grandson.
These moments aren’t the only ones they share. They also pray together every day before dinner, reunited in the spare bedroom of the house where Nan has been sleeping since she arrived. They pray out loud inside that room and share direct dialogs to God, and Michael loves to do that in there with her because she was the first one to teach him about religion and because she taught him how to pray correctly.
They do it because it’s only natural to them, but Michael keeps in mind the main reason behind his current belief and constant prayers; Gerard. His brother has changed since Nan came home; in the first week, nothing happened, but Michael once overheard a very special conversation. He had gone downstairs to see Gerard and ask how he was doing, (since Frank had gone missing for some time for a reason only he knew). Michael had been ready to knock, but stopped at the bedroom door when he heard the voices from inside Gerard’s room. Michael listened as Nan asked Gerard if he would do something - something that Michael was oblivious about - and the brother promised her he would. He promised he would change, and try to get better no matter how bad he was feeling. Michael needed no more.
Michael just ignores the jealousy inside himself; he knows that Nan was told about Gerard’s condition, and that she was the only person who might be able to help Gerard. But Michael wished he could have been the one to make Gerard promise that he would change. After all, they were brothers: brothers were supposed to be best friends.
However, he chooses to ignore such feelings and tires to comprehend how wrong they are. Consequently, he goes back to his conversations with God, either alone by his bed every morning and night, or with Nan in her bedroom before every day’s dinner. He feels comfortable and at peace when he resigns his silence and gives his heart and mind to God. Michael wants to be the best believer, even if the High Power responds slowly and silently, because He will always be there for him, and vice-versa.
Frank finally calls Gerard a few weeks later, telling him that he was on a family vacation and unable to reach him. Michael can see there is a small change in his brother after this, because as he observes him he can see a small smile on his lips. Today Gerard is talking to Nan, with the same small smile. Michael knows Gerard really is trying to adjust himself, because he almost doesn’t recognize his brother: not only because Gerard is in the living room (finally out of the basement), but he also laughs a little at something Nan just told him and he smiles an honest smile when the bell rings.
“It’s Frank,” Gerard says in an audible whisper and hops up off the couch. Nan and Michael watch as he looks down at his clothes, fixing small wrinkles and brushing off imaginary dust. Gerard is only wearing the regular black t-shirt and skinny jeans, which still look horribly baggy on his frame. Michael doesn’t understand why he’s trying to make it look better when it clearly can’t, but his mouth tugs a little smile as he enjoys this new attitude from Gerard.
“I want to surprise him,” Gerard concludes with a smile to Michael and Nan, who nods her head and smiles back. The bell rings again and Gerard moves closer to the door, making Michael feel very proud of his older brother. He remembers the night, when he was praying and having visions of Jesus Christ’s walking-over-water miracle; Gerard knocked on his bedroom door to tell him that, since Nan was getting better, he wanted to do so too. Now, Michael notices that Gerard really has changed for better and he loves that.
Gerard opens the door as Nan sits on the couch next to Michael, and they both turn their heads as Frank’s voice sounds. “Hey. Gee…” He sounds surprised.
“Welcome back, Frank,” Gerard replies, taking Frank’s hand and pulling him in, closing the door behind him, for a quick kiss. “You okay?”
“Yeah,” Frank says slowly, with wide eyes, digesting the scene in front of him. “Gee, are you smiling?” he asks at last, visibly beaming at Gerard. Michael can tell that he is very, very surprised.
“I missed you,” Michael hears his brother say. He turns back to look at the TV, and imagines a kiss being shared by the front door, due to the lack of human voices sounding. Michael looks at his grandmother and she’s smiling too, before she winks, obviously anticipating the “I missed you too,” coming from Frank’s only-a-bit-panting voice.
That’s the last thing Michael can properly hear as he shuts down to the rest of the scene; he’s focusing on the words constantly repeating inside his head for the obvious reasons and his various actions from the past; thank you, Lord.
**
The next Saturday is very calm. Michael is in the kitchen preparing lunch for six people, even if he’s alone at home right now. He doesn’t mind at all, because it means he can talk, pray and sing out loud, knowing only he and God will listen, and he likes that. That and the idea of so many people united for lunch that day. It’s unique for the time, Michael thinks, and he ponders about the situation.
Dad joining them is the biggest surprise, because he used to spend hours on end at work, definitely to avoid the tension and other feelings that used to occupy the house. Now though, he comes home for lunch in the middle of the afternoon during his six-day work week. On Sundays, he stays at home and spends time with the family. He’s also grown to accept Gerard’s sexuality to everyone’s surprise, and for a reason that Michael can’t put his finger on, he asks very often for Frank. Michael loves the change and he thanks only One.
Mom remains the same caring and active mother, dwelling in pain or inundating of joy accordingly to the family’s mood. She’s happier now, and Michael prays for that feeling to last very long.
Nan is once more the light of the house and the reason for everyone’s smiling expressions. Michael knows she loves every single one of them with all her heart, even if now it still is weak and needs to be carefully taken care of. She’s always worried about being unhappy and that’s the reason why she makes them grin, and laugh, and be a real family. Michael loves that and everything else about his grandmother, who will come home soon from the cemetery, where she went with Mom.
Gerard is the most wonderful case of success in the house, in Michael’s opinion. His brother is back! He smiles, he talks, and he laughs; he shares good things with Michael again, he holds Frank’s hand in front of everyone, and he gets out of the house for walks. He also sits at the kitchen table during meals and Michael is proud that Gerard can eat again, even if it’s such small portions. Michael feels deeply in his heart, hope and faith that it all will get even better with time and patience… and prayers.
And then there’s Frank, who has been a part of the family, since he was introduced to them after Mass, a long time ago. The two have shared many years of friendship with each other, even if they were so different in many points of their lives and convictions. That didn’t matter to them however, even as Gerard joined the group, which triggered the change in feelings. Michael wasn’t jealous that Frank and Gerard got closer and became boyfriends later; and he still isn’t because he knows that those feelings are true and strong. He knows how supportive Frank can be to Gerard and himself, and he knows how much Frank cares for Gerard and wants him to be healthy, lively and happy. Michael can’t be jealous of that because he feels the same towards Gerard, only in his brotherly way, and even towards Frank, in his friendly way of loving him.
So they will all come home soon, and Michael is almost done with their lunch. He is focusing on that while thinking of how much more right his life feels now. He definitely can multi-task as he’s still mouth-whispering his prayers or songs to God, which actually are his favorite because Nan once told him that singing holy hymns was transferring a double, or triple, power to the words and God would listen to them better and more carefully.
Michael still believes in that, because after all Nan wouldn’t lie to him. Michael looks up from making lunch, and can see on the main road, that someone is coming to the house. The strange thing is, is that the street isn’t there: it’s the never ending lake and the figure is walking on the water, dressed in the white tunic. However, this time it isn’t Christ. Michael is looking at himself, he recognizes the brown hair and the square glasses, and his previous smiles and hymns fade away. He can’t quite comprehend the meaning of that vision. Christ has done the miracle of walking on water, but Michael can’t do it; it’s humanly impossible. So, what can it mean? He wonders if it’s related to the fact that all his prayers have been, and continue to be answered. He considers that it could be a premonition that everything will be as alright with his family as he wants it to be.
Michael smiles again, staring at his miraculous image, and turns around to dissolve the vision before it gets too addicting. He thinks that continuing his prayers and sacrifices can be the way to go and reach his current goals. Since Nan came to live with them, Michael hasn’t sacrificed in any way because it all started going back to place, but maybe now he’s being called to re-start those self-inflicted choices. The vision, he thinks, has definitely come to him to make him see that. He tries to think of something as the prayers return to his head and mouth.
He’s whispering and thinking that he needs to be fast to not get caught by anyone suddenly coming home; quickly he checks on the boiling lunch before running to the table to get a glass. He spins it in his hands and an idea hits him; he still has to open all the cabinets in the room because his prayers occupy all parts of his mind and he can’t exactly focus on anything else. Michael just moves out of instinct.
Opening the right door at last, he glances at his target and the sounds in his head get louder and come out through his mouth as actual words. He reaches for the thin plastic bottle and pours its contents into the glass in his hand. Michael brings it closer to his face and the smell of pure white-wine vinegar is strong, right in front of his nose like that; he whimpers in between prayers and is quiet for one moment before bringing the glass to his lips.
He takes slow and long sips of his sacrificial drink, and the nasty taste fills his throat, because it sure doesn’t taste any good. He prepares another one though, a bitter sensation in his stomach, but a sweet one in his soul. His prayers get louder and he speaks them out loud, as they’re very deep in his mind, and natural in his soul. He prays to God and to Mary with the third glass; his belief somehow detached him from the horrible taste because it all happens while Michael focuses on Gerard, and Nan, and everyone else soon getting home. Finally, he can’t drink any more.
He swallows the hash lump in his throat and puts the glass in the sink to clean it out, before putting the bottle back in the cabinet; “Assist our family, Holy Father,” Michael randomly says before another Our Father and checks on lunch again, making sure to also remove any evidence that can denounce his previous actions. The prayer ends and he’s ready to start another one, right after his sigh, but he can hear the door being unlocked, so he turns around with his regular smile on.
“Hello, Michael! We’re home!”
“Hello, Mom.” He turns around. “Nan. Lunch’s almost ready.”
**
It’s Wednesday evening. Michael comes home from work, it’s already past six o’clock, and the house is empty. He knows the mother and the father will be arriving soon from their own jobs, but it’s weird to not find Nan or Gerard at home; Michael worries that Gerard may have done something to himself in the basement bedroom. Panicked, Michael runs down to check, but no- the dark room is tidied and empty. It only means that Nan has been there and together they have gone somewhere.
Michael shrugs and goes to the kitchen to prepare something for dinner, because that’s what he does for his family. So, he consults his mother’s weekly schedule to see what she predicted for that day’s meal. Pasta is written down, and yes! It’s pasta night! Michael smiles as he imagines the smell and flavor of steaming carbohydrates and delicious sauce; mmm. He’s getting everything ready, exposing all the necessary ingredients, bowls and utensils on the counter when the door sound opens and closes, and in come Gerard and Nan. They walk in and Michael smiles.
“Oh! Hello Michael,” Nan greets with a similar smile and gets closer to kiss his cheek caringly.
“Hey there, Mikey,” he hears Gerard and sees him pull out two chairs by the table. Why two?
Then he sees that Frank is just walking in. “Mikes!” he nearly yells and runs to pull Michael into a tight hug; that’s just how joyful Frank can be at times. “I missed you, buddy!” He playfully squeals and ruffles Michael’s hair as everyone smiles or laughs in the room.
“How could you? You’ve practically moved into our house!” Michael teases.
--
Sometime after dinner Michael is in the living room with Mom, Dad and Nan, half-watching TV, half-dozing off from boredom. Suddenly, the basement door sounds weirdly. Gerard and Frank had retired to the basement as soon as the meal was over and now they’re coming back upstairs; Michael’s eyes snap open at the noise, and he stares at the two boyfriends walking in… looking suspiciously flushed and red on their lips. Michael shakes his head playfully.
“Frank’s going home, everyone,” Gerard announces with one palm rubbing one of Frank’s shoulders, as they both smile. Then, everyone waves goodbye and wishes him a good night.
“Bye, Frankie,” Michael squeals jokingly and flutters his eyelids towards Frank, making him laugh and Gerard scoff at the same time. He’s looking over the backboard of the couch and watches Gerard kissing Frank’s temple and whispering another of the boyfriends’ secrets.
Michael can only smile, because his brother has just changed so much the past weeks that it’s almost unbelievable. If Michael hadn’t seen Gerard’s evolution for himself, he wouldn’t believe it, if someone had just told him. He feels proud of his older brother for having succeeded in getting better, and also proud for having done it again.
It started working when he was only a boy of ten years old, then it worked years later when bugs plagued at least three different cities in the country, and even more years later when Nan had two heart attacks; now, it’s working on Gerard. God is being his best friend; He has always been Michael’s greatest, more trustworthy Friend and Father to Whom Michael will always turn to in critical times.
Running thoughts inside his head, Michael stares at Gerard after he closes the door and watches him intently as he sits on another couch in the room. Gerard finally looks up and meets Michael’s eyes. They smile, but Michael can see deeply into Gerard’s eyes and he just knows it’s not over yet.
--
Michael is reading a book in the silence of his bedroom; there’s only the light from his bedside lamp illuminating the small area by the headboard of his bed. He’s lying half down against it, weirdly sitting cross-legged under the duvet in nothing but his pajamas, and he’s waiting. The clock on the nightstand reads half past midnight and Michael knows most of his family is either falling asleep or already sleeping, because they always go to bed early on week days.
He waits for another half hour, half-reading the thriller story in his hands, half-dozing off to thoughts of what he’s about to do. As always, his heart is beating fast against his ribcage, fast and very hard, because of that adrenaline his body releases at the thought of getting up, doing it and getting caught. He doesn’t want that, so he waits, just another ten minutes and, then, he finally closes the book and gets up from the bed.
Michael does everything as silently as he can. Everyone in the house is in bed and he can’t risk anything, so he only pitter-patters through the corridor and downstairs to the kitchen, where he stops and listens. Nothing. It means that he’s safe to do what he came here to do.
The middle of the night is Michael’s favorite moment for this daily sacrifice, because in the past Father Doyen made him see that sometimes we have to allow sufferance to come down on us, so that others can enjoy God’s mercy. And Michael wants that; he will make himself suffer to let others feel how God can be a good friend; he will prove his faith and strength through pain and he knows the Holy Father will listen to his prayers and see that he is strong enough to keep an eye on himself and on others that may need help - for anything.
Michael sees things this way, believing in God the way his family has taught him to and believing that everyone can feel and see the same God he does.
That’s why Michael comes to the kitchen in the silence and secrecy of the night, with his purpose, his goals and his prayers in mind. And there he gives life to his sacrifice: sometimes it’s handfuls of salt, or rotten food he hid somewhere (since he usually takes care of all kitchen duties by himself), but tonight is one to drink. So, Michael gets a glass from the dishwasher, opens the right cabinet and gets the plastic bottle that contains the white-wine vinegar - Michael’s best friend for the current belief in his heart.
In his mind, there’s the image of his presently happy family, the wish to keep things like that, but also the image carved deeply in Gerard’s eyes. Michael knows he can see through his brother and, deep down there, right where not many can reach, Michael still reads pain. He just knows it’s not over yet, as though Gerard feels better and wants to keep it that way for everyone’s sake, but he can’t just get out of it. Michael’s eyes fill with tears at the thought of his brother, locked within a ghastly feeling Gerard doesn’t want to feel, and that Michael doesn’t want Gerard to feel.
When Michael looks into Gerard’s eyes, he can read that Gerard feels stuck in the hole that he got himself into years ago. Therefore, Michael wants to keep helping Gerard through God, so he does the only thing he can think of: he whispers his favorite prayers, thinks of his best brother and best friend and drinks his second glass of the night. The bittersweet sensation swims freely, lost within his insides as soon as it gets there, extending the bitterness down his throat and drowning that sweetness deep within his soul. Finally it all consumes him from inside out, and he feels somewhat hopeful, so he prepares the third glass of vinegar. He always has an extra plastic bottle to compensate those mysterious ‘vinegar disappearances’, but that’s not what fills his mind now.
As soon as he brings the glass to his mouth, he inhales and the nasty odor makes him feel dizzy; everything stops. His whispered prayer fades to nothingness, his thoughts to blankness, and Michael feels like his brother; he has dug a hole that’s too deep now and he can’t get out. He just can’t climb up those walls and set himself free anymore, only to suffer and save his brother Gerard, but he’s also tired, especially of the visions. They keep coming to him, the never ending lake, the figure in that white tunic walking on the water. And he has dreams too, about himself walking over that lake and having to see Gerard drowning in those waters; Frank is there too, trying to save Gerard and calling for Michael’s help, but he can’t do anything because his feet barely touch the surface, and he can’t kneel down, and his hands won’t be able to pull Gerard up.
Michael doesn’t know what those mean anymore and he’s confused, so he keeps praying to God to try and get the explanation for those images, perhaps fears, and to pray and try to steal Gerard from his very own hole.
Michael finally drinks that third glass of vinegar and his eyes close at the repulsive taste, at the impure scent, but he can’t avoid the lonely tears. They fall at his situation, but he wipes them right away because God will help him, if Michael believes enough. He knows that.
He prays inside his head, over and over and over again, until his mind is at peace once more and his heart beats regularly. He’s calm again and he takes care of everything in the kitchen, tidying everything, removing all evidences of his presence there, so that he can go back to his room. That’s Michael’s intention, but as he gets to the bottom of the stairs, he finds Gerard.
He’s only wearing a t-shirt and boxer briefs, as he has clearly come from bed, but Michael recognizes his actions from somewhere. Gerard is wiping his mouth with the back of his hand and rubs his cheek afterwards, but from his palm a single drop of water falls, as though he has washed his hands and failed at drying them. Oh, no…
“Goodnight, Mikey,” Gerard says as he walks to the kitchen. Their eyes meet brutally and Michael can read that deepness again, feeling that the sacrifice still isn’t enough. Gerard can’t hold the gaze and he suddenly looks away when Michael tries to show him his concern, but Michael sighs and decides to respond.
“Goodnight, Gerard.” He walks closer to the first step of the stairs, but turns around to follow Gerard’s figure.
In those sleeping clothes, he seems too tall and too thin, but not in the same way as Michael. He has always been thin and tall, but he knows he never looked that ill. Gerard’s bones are poking out from everywhere; Michael can see the cartilage on Gerard’s heels, and the weird forms of his knees, and the hipbones protruding beneath the thin fabric of boxer briefs, and the way his t-shirt looks too large for him, even though when Frank gave it to him for his birthday a few months ago, it fit well. On the back of Gerard’s neck, Michael can distinguish his spine perfectly. He whimpers when the brother turns right and enters the kitchen, leaving behind the phantom of his lack of weight and the reflex of his so-pale, almost-grey skin. It’s awful.
Michael wonders how it can be possible, so much that there is no answer. But there’s space for a prayer and the too many memories from everything Michael has seen in his brother. For too many years, Michael has seen too many things in Gerard, from the incomprehensible images of his young teenage years that make full sense now, to the barely-existent slice of apple, to the days he found Gerard passed out or vomiting, and even to how much Frank has been on his side - to save Gerard. It’s not over yet.
As his third Our Father fades to silence, Gerard re-appears at the kitchen door and catches Michael’s eyes from where he’s standing by the stairs. He’s smiling weakly, certainly trying to look secure of himself, but Michael just reads through him and knows that it’s all fake. “Gerard…”
“It’s okay, Mikey,” the brother says immediately, not waiting to hear the concern Michael is just about to word. “Everything will be alright,” Gerard states and kisses Michael’s cheek. He is left silent, not knowing how to react, or what to think or what to say.
So he just watches.
Gerard walks the rest of the way to the basement door and Michael’s eyes follow his figure again, still so tall, so scarily thin. The next prayer, this time to Mary, begins its rhythm in Michael’s head as soon as his eyes land on Gerard’s left hand, because his right one grabs the door handle to the basement door. It’s not over yet… Gerard carries what seems to be a water bottle, made of plastic, but it has no label on it, so maybe it doesn’t contain water at all. Michael shakes his head as his eyes burn from tears, blurring his vision even with his square glasses on; it’s hopelessness and Michael prays again as the basement door closes and he tries to memorize Gerard’s words to him; everything will be alright.
He stays there for some time, still not knowing how to react, but soon his mental prayer ends and he mechanically ascends the stairs to his own bedroom. It’s dark in there too, so he goes to the window and opens the blinds, eyes closed fearing his visions, but his eyes could use some natural moonlight. Michael opens his eyes and he sees only the street lamps and the houses, and the almost full moon sharing its brilliant shape with him.
Michael sighs, feeling too empty, and he moves in his bedroom to kneel by the bed; opening the only drawer on his nightstand, he pulls out the rosary and holds it in his hands, as Gerard occupies his mind again, along with his own confusion. He talks to God with whispers, Michael feels and knows that he will spend the night awake and praying. Any time he feels sleepy, Michael just gets up and walks around or presses the rosary beads further against his fingers, nearly ripping the skin there. He never stops his prayer until the moment he can’t fight it anymore.
He finally gets too tired to stay awake, and he lets himself climb into bed, and eventually falls asleep as words escape his tongue by themselves.
“Our Father, Who art in heaven; hallowed be Thy name; Thy kingdom come; Thy will be done on earth as it is in heaven. Give us this day our daily bread…”
**
“And forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us, and lead us not into temptation; but deliver us from evil. Amen,” they say.
It’s the next Saturday, the day of Michael’s twentieth birthday. The whole family isn’t at work, but they’re not at home either. Frank is there too, because he has slowly made his way into that concept of family, and he’s close to everyone’s heart for the love he feels towards everyone. Michael stares at him and watches Frank’s deep gaze and the dark circles that rest around his eyes, evidently showing a lack of sleep. Next to him is Nan, who is like a grandmother to Frank, too. There are tears in her eyes as she looks around to everyone and spreads her everlasting love to all of them.
Michael can also see his mother and his father, holding hands lovingly; definitely grateful for being together. There are other family members there that carry the same blood and genetic cells, all untied on this particular day, and they are giving Michael caring, and apologetic looks.
Awkwardly or not, Gerard is by Michael’s side, his horribly pale skin looks even worse, especially from this angle. Michael can see once more the sick shape of every single bone on Gerard’s face, like his protruding cheekbones, and on Gerard’s fingers, like his too-much-defined knuckles as his hands lie together. Michael stares at his figure and tries to form a smile, but his mind is too confused and his feelings too messed-up.
Michael has no hurry and he doesn’t want to do this, to say these things. It’s his twentieth birthday, and merely three days ago Gerard promised him, at their meeting by the stairs, that everything would be alright. However, no matter how much Michael wishes that things were okay, Gerard was clearly wrong. He still is wrong, looking so ill and being so silent by Michael’s side. Michael clears his throat, eyes falling on Frank again and he finally begins his words.
“Gerard knows I love him and I did everything I could to save him. I guess he didn't want to be saved, or didn't think he needed that."
He whimpers and pauses, catching Frank's eyes with his own and sharing the pain, and the loneliness left in their hearts. Nan catches his gaze too, and nods slightly, as if giving him the strength to go on. He looks forward, to no one at all, as words fall freely from his tongue.
"I never thought You were capable of getting angry for something like this. You made me believe and pray. You saved my mother from asphyxiation, when I was ten, through my prayers. You saved those towns from bug plagues, when I was fourteen, through my prayers. You saved my grandmother from two serious heart attacks, not that long ago, through my prayers. You showed me Your son in visions, and gave me images of myself miraculously walking over never-ending waters, as I sacrificed myself and showed You that I was strong enough to bear that suffering, so that You might focus Your mercy in my brother and best friend, but no. Just because Gerard didn't believe in you as much as we all do..."
Michael pauses for only two seconds, so that he can get his breath back, because his words almost lead him to forget that he has to breathe to live and talk.
"It's unfair. Just because he didn't believe, you didn't..." He looks at Gerard in the middle of the church, lying down with his eyes closed, but now Michael knows it isn't from passing out. He sniffs. "You didn’t try to save him. It’s not fair! He was trying to believe in You! He was trying to dig himself out of the hole, that You allowed him to sink in! I fought by his side for him, even though he didn’t know that I was, and even if he didn’t ask for me to.
"Do You think I tried to take Your place? Is that why You got so angry and took him away from me - away from us?! Away from FRANK?! I only asked for Your help and Your endless mercy, because my brother was sick. I believed you would answer me, if I did what You taught me to do throughout the years. I sacrificed everything, so that You might help me, and my brother. But all you did, was take his life.”
Michael takes a long pause and sees that nearly everyone is silently crying. His mother is looking down and shaking her head heavily. His father is looking at him with teary eyes that pierce right into his soul. Nan is just letting her tears fall, holding the hand of Frank, who is... not there; he just stares at the coffin and seems unfocused. Everyone else is listening.
Michael sighs. "I hope Gerard meets You in peace."
Michael takes a final glance at the small crowd in front of him, and he feels that Father Doyen is looking directly at him from somewhere, that he just can’t see. Then he turns around and stares at his brother in his black clothes, his pale skin contrasting to everything around him except for his awful bones. Michael lets tears fall down from the confusion he feels inside, not daring to look away from his brother's dead face as he walks closer to the coffin. His eyes focus solely on his brother, and no where else (especially not up because there will be God there, staring back at him and trying to tell him that it had to be like this). Michael can’t believe that right now, as he knows he won’t be able to keep the same belief in his heart and mind anymore. Gerard left him and took Michael's faith with him.
Michael approaches the coffin, and rests his hand lightly on Gerard’s hair. As he does, there’s a sob from the crowd that Michael knows can only be Frank. It sounds too hurt, and too mournful to be anyone else. Blinking his own tears out of his eyes, Michael leans down and presses a kiss to his dead brother’s temple. The pale skin is ice cold against his lips, and as Michael brings himself back up, a single tear falls from his eye and onto his brother. “I’ll see you later, Gee.”
THE END