(no subject)
every year i dread christmas with my family.
every year someone gets upset and mum promises we'll do something better next year.
but we never do.
my aunty and uncle always decide theyre going to have christmas at their place, because they can't be bothered going anywhere else. we can 'come if we want'.
..they never make us feel welcome or act like they really want to see us. they always make a big deal about the fact that theyre letting us stay and feeding us.
even though they live in a mansion. and all they cook is the turkey.
the whole family competes to see who can bring the best food.
..last year mum made good salads, so my aunty got angry at her and went on about how she'd brought too much salad.
you really cant win with my family.
so then theres the house...its huge and cold and hollow feeling. its not comforting or welcoming. the dining room is the most formal thing you've ever seen.
but what i hate the most about christmas with my family is my cousin.
one year older than me, and the whole family loves her.
she has the rich parents, the best boyfriend, best job, best circle of friends, studying the best course 'ooh double degree, so smart' fuckin, i dont give a shit what she has but they make me feel inferior and worthless for it.
this year itll be 'oh...hannahs not going back to uni next year' cue accusing stares and people tutting.
OOPS SORRY GUYS, WE'RE POOR CAUSE MUM DIDNT GET A DEGREE LIKE HER SISTERS DID, I HAVE NO JOB, I'M NOT GOING TO UNI.
AND OH SHIT.
IM A FUCKING LESBIAN.
there will be no boyfriend or husband or whatever the fuck.
i have the best girlfriend ever, but im not going to be able to bring that up at the dinner table. they'd kill me.
or whatever. i dunno.
i just feel bitter that i dont really have the right to express my feelings in the way people in traditional relationships can. i wouldnt give up what i have for anything, but i wish people could just accept it as well.
blahpants.
im done for now.