Gashiyeon - Chapter 3 [Part 1]
I’d had a crush on his older brother- his third oldest brother that was two years our senior, Jung Eunho.
I’d already started to like men, even back then when I hadn’t yet even been able to fully grasp the concept. But it wasn’t as though I’d ever felt lost or upset because of the fact. I let life go on as does the flow of water, the flow of time.
It just so happened to be that when I had let my heart wander as it pleased, I awoke to find that it had been towards someone of the same gender, that’s all… I wasn’t particularly happy or displeased with the situation.
At the time, his brother was getting ready to take his University entrance exams. I had just having gotten accepted into this prestigiously labeled high school, myself. But when I first caught a glance of the exhausted faces of all the third years, for whom the exam was just around the corner, it was enough to give me doubts as to if they were actually human.
What they were doing was past just devotion; they were like machines that never stopped turning. They moved around lifelessly, desperately grabbing at whatever marks they could. Just the sight of them left me quite repulsed; what they were going through seemed to be one of those hurdles that everyone would have to face some time in their lives. But he was different. Even back then, he was popular with the girls with his ever well put together and elegant looks. On top of which, his role as the Student Council President had him constantly put in the spotlight.
For the first time in my life, I felt my heart beating because of someone else. But, I didn’t think that his death had anything to do with me- because his death was a coincidence, an accident. It’s just that it happened to be the night of the day that I’d been able to gather up my courage and confess to him. I still couldn’t fully accept or comprehend the fact that he had been in an accident. When they had found him, half of his body had been stuck crushed underneath the tires. His face had been ground down badly enough that it had been far from recognizable when they had retrieved the corpse.
It wasn’t the face of the Jung Eunho that I had liked and yearned for. I cried until I fell unconscious.
And when I opened my eyes, his younger brother…Jung Yunho was standing in front of me.
The two weren’t similar at all. It was only when you were told that they were related that you’d go “Oh…you’re siblings. I guess now that I look at you guys again, you do kind of seem alike in a way.” They were just that different.
Having shared the same blood, they didn’t physically look too different, but whereas Jung Eunho gave the impression of a gentleman in every sense of the word, something about Jung Yunho just screamed ‘problem child’.
Even though it was not as though there was ever any severe disciplinary action against him, he was still a person who became the hot topic among the student body at least once every week.
I first started to take some interest in Jung Eunho’s brother- the Jung Yunho of seventeen, who, no doubt, had no sense of self-control, the day we were locking away Eunho’s ashes in the charnel house.
“What class are you in.”
“Class eight…”
“It’s you then, Class eight’s Cutie.”
“Yeah.”
I’d always been rather looked after by the guys rather than the girls, despite the fact that our school had been Co-ed.
At the time, my Father had been running for office. When this fact got spread around at school, I was treated a little better and was able to make some friends because of it. I soon became used to bossing everyone around as though ordering around a servant as I pleased.
It had been the point in our lives when we had all been overflowing with passion and youthful lust- when you could get aroused just brushing past someone. Because of this, it was only natural that this kind of lifestyle seemed like an obvious answer for someone like me, who had been called the “Cutie” among the male population.
At my answer, the Jung Yunho of seventeen laughed loudly, as though he had forgotten that we were currently in a place of solemn grieving, filled with those dressed in black from head to toe.
“Hyung said that you were pretty too.”
Though my feelings for him hadn’t been very deep, the regrets of my unfulfilled love began to torment me. Yet, the one who had looked after me each time this happened was not Eunho’s soul, but his younger brother- the man who had loved me with all of his young heart.
If Jung Eunho was gentle and calm, he was strong and passionate. I began to feel as though the image of that perfect man I had been looking for, fit better with Jung Yunho rather than his brother. Because of this, I was able to stumble towards Jung Yunho, like a child that had stood on its feet for the first time; and he was right there waiting to catch me if I should fall. It was a natural and picturesque scene that seemed blindingly beautiful even to my own eyes. At his side, I was able to shine more brilliantly than I had ever before.
Sometimes though, on the odd occasion, I found myself thinking of him even while I was looking at Yunho.
A pain, sharp enough to make my breath catch, filled me as I made the connection. It was entirely possible that my love was suicidal.
I found that the dream didn’t sit in my heart too heavily when I awoke the next day. The Jung Eunho that had come to visit me for the first time in a very long while, resembled the breeze that had blown that fateful spring day, as I had set my eyes on him for the first time. Because of this, I was able to open my eyes unafraid.
I was relieved that though he had seemed a little wary, he didn’t seem sad either. You think that I need to be by your little Brother’s side too, don’t you. I appreciate you coming to me to offer your blessings, now that I had finally found Jung Yunho again after 2 years.
The image of the dream still burned brightly in front of my eyes. Though the afterimage stubbornly refused to fade even as I lay there staring blankly up at the ceiling, my heart actually felt lighter than it had for a long time.
The fact that he and I had shared a bed last night remained completely absent from my mind until I finally grasped where I was and what it was that I was doing here. The hands of the clock that hung from the wall pointed at eleven o’clock in the morning. As I sat, resting my chin on top of my gathered knees, I wriggled my toes.
I let myself fall into the spot Yunho had laid the night before, after I had sat directing my gaze for a while to the empty spot beside me. The sheet was cold, as though it had been long since his warmth had left the bed. I rubbed my face into the bed, as I was able to faintly detect a trace of his lingering scent. He had fallen asleep yesterday, having paid no mind at all to all my persistant flirting. That bastard.
You left without even showing me a glimpse of the stiff peak of your morning erection.
I suppose the reason everything looked different today was because of my considerably lighter mood. I was actually surprised as to how antique-like my surroundings were, now that I actually had the chance to look at them properly in the late morning light. Sophistocated and elegant, the room looked as though the interior of a European house had been copied and pasted right into it.
The bronze candle holders that decorated the room, furniture, accented with an assortment of expensive looking vases, high end paintings, the fluffy carpet under my feet, the room’s professional yet simultaneously cozy hue of brown, and the sunlight that flitered into the room through the cover of the curtains- in that room was her soul- that woman you just couldn’t seem to hate.
Feeling compassion for the enemy is the same as leaving yourself open for attack.
That woman, bright and shining with light…I wonder if I really had it in me to be vicious towards someone like that. I felt my heart soften, pushing out the feelings of contempt and rivalry. She turned her gaze to me as she stood in the middle of the infinitely colourful garden, one hand on her back and the other grasping a hose with which she was watering the plants. She shouted through to me past the thin glass of the window.
The shape of her lips as she made out the words for ‘Just a minute,’ was very cute. She seemed altogether cheerful at my appearance.
“The sun is too bright. I can’t stay out for too long.”
She was elated. I guess she must be happy that there’s someone there with her, even while she was doing chores that she was used to doing everyday. I assumed that passing the time while Yunho was out, with only her unborn baby wasn’t a very easy thing to do.
Even though it had only been a little while since we had even first laid eyes on each other, she and I were able to exchange small, silent smiles as with long-time acquaintances. The muscles around my mouth twitched every time there was no particular need for words. I didn’t find it troublesome at all.
“Could you give me some ice?”
“…Pardon me?”
“Oh…It’s just that the swelling hasn’t gone down from when I had my teeth pulled out…”
“Wisdom teeth?”
“Yeah. It really hurts…”
She took out a small towel from one of the drawers. Placing the ice on top, she folded it up into a form that was suitable for use as an ice pack. I turned back towards the sofa with the bundle in hand. The leather of the sofa squeaked as I propped my feet on to it as I folded my legs up towards my chest. Resting my chin on the tops of knees, I turned on the TV. Maybe it was because it was her that gave me the ice; I didn’t find it to be cold at all, the moment I pressed it to my cheek. Deciding that this was useless, I opened the small bundle and popped a piece of ice my mouth instead. While I was, unable to chew, rolling around the small piece and melting it in my mouth, she came back out into the living room carrying a tray.
“Do you want some new ice?”
“…Why?”
“No…It’s just that the towel might be dirty…”
“It’s alright…My…mouth…is…ah…a lot dirtier.”
I directed my gaze to the television, sucking on the piece of ice absent-mindedly. Though it wasn’t very big, soon, the ice had numbed my tongue enough that I found difficulty in forming proper pronounciations. Even though I’d hoped that she wouldn’t say anything, she proceeded to send me a questioning look. I pushed the piece of ice into a corner of my mouth and turning my gaze on to her. Whispy trails of steam were rising out of the bowl of porridge sitting on the tray that was resting on her knees. Just the sight of it was making me hot; it pissed me off.
“Yesterday…you didn’t give me a toothbrush…”
“Oh…I’m sorry. I guess it must have slipped my mind…”
“It’s alright. There was nothing in my stomach anways.”
I don’t have to be so careful like you, knowing that everything you eat will go to the baby as well.
I hated the blank look of confusion that was filling her eyes at my words. I snatched the tray from her and placed it in front of myself. Picking up the soon, the gave the contents of the bowl a stir. This thick, white substance was not only porridge, but her love and effort.
But there was no way I could sit still after having been treated like a complete invalid. As I sat pondering how I might take my revenge, her hand snatched the spoon from mine. The brief contact, instead of leaving me with a sense of panic or confusion, left me with the distinct feeling of her feminity. The warmth that had just brushed past my skin had been just so perfect that I found myself wanting to feel it again if I ever had the chance. It was that special something about a woman that I will never have myself.
Looking as though there was nothing else hidden behind these actions, she proceeded to cool down the spoonful of her love with puffs of her own breath. Her fingers were white and slender. Stretched out elegantly, her long, flawless fingers just further defined her beauty.
Yet again, she was offering me her genuine kindness. She had gone so far as to personally make me a bowl of her love and was even, not having taken any offense at my words at all, blowing the heat away from the hot bowl herself. At that, I felt some sanity trickle back into my mind, replacing some of my previous, fierce yet irrational fury.
“There are a lot of paintings in the house…”
"Oh…It’s just, I have a thing for them.”
“Art major?”
“No…music.”
She responded shyly. I wonder what she must have played with those fine, delicate hands.
“Piano?”
“Violin.”
I wonder.
It was a classy and very enjoyable instrument. I loved the sound of a violin; it was the kind of tune that refused to disappear even long after hearing it. The light, airy notes, the addictive soulful notes- I loved them all. A frantic, angry tune seemed to suit her better though, than a calm one. I thought to myself that she’d probably look very attractive while playing. She really had everything. She deserved a man like Yunho. Beautiful, elegant, sophisticated, smart, and…
Right then, I finally realized that I had been praising her this whole time. It had all been done subconsciously.
As expected, admitting this to myself like this really left me feeling horrible. A string of curses escaped my lips. Nibbling on the little lumps on the inside of my lip, I carefully stole a glance at her. My throat began to burn intensely even though I hadn’t even yet swallowed even a drop of her love. I felt my chest heating up. I hate hot things. Just handling the firey love between Yunho and me was enough; why are you trying to kindle flames of your own?
“Wha-what are you doing?!”
I grabbed a handful of ice lying on the towel, and dumped it in the bowl filled with her love. The thick liquid splashed everywhere- on to her dress and the top of my foot as well. I wiped it away with the tip of my finger. I examined the substance on the pad of my thumb, rubbing it between my two fingers. A white, thick liquid…Ah…This is-
The twitch in the lower part of my stomach was accompanied by a chuckle.
“It’s warm today. And this is too hot…”
She seemed to have lost the opportunity to respond, as I replied jokingly. She sat catching her breath, hand over her heart as though she was trying to calm herself down. She wiped off the porridge from her skirt with a tissue. I moved my spoon through the ice filled bowl of her love. Several pieces of ice got pushed out of the small bowl as I did so; soon, the tray had become a mess.
It’s probably cooled down by now, shouldn’t it? I spooned up some of her love and let it drip into my mouth, expectantly.
“Ugh…It’s too cold!”
The feeling of cold metal along with the slightly fishy taste of the now cold bowl of love along the tip of my tongue made me cringe and throw the spoon back down.
The surface of the tray vibrated a second time with a loud clang. Her shoulders trembled as she sat clutching as her chest, carefully studying me with eyes wide with shock. Her eyes were slightly narrowed. I wordlessly warned her to stop looking at me like some kind of patient at a Mental Hospital. Flashing her a heart warming smile, I asked her politely,
“Will you heat this back up for me?”
That thick, white substance- the taste was quite rich.
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