Bad Religion
Title: Bad Religion
Pairing: One-sided CNU/Gongchan
Word Count: 2,299
Summary: CNU falls in love with Gongchan, who is straight. Inspired by the Frank Ocean song of the same name.
Rating: R
Warnings: Discussions of homophobia
Taxi driver, be my shrink for the hour, leave the meter running, it’s rush hour, so take the streets if you wanna, just outrun the demons, could you?
The day Shinwoo meets Chanshik is a normal one. Never, in a million years, did he think that he would be the one to break his heart. All the potential members, of the group they were to debut in, went out for dinner. Shinwoo introduced himself as the oldest and he piped in, “Oh! Hyung! I’m the youngest, we’ll be great friends~” He was pretty. Too pretty. Alas, Shinwoo was just a shallow person and was weak to gaining crushes on pretty boys. His homosexuality was something he never dared to speak out about, not even to himself, but looking and pining never hurt anyone, right?
As the company gave everyone their positions, Shinwoo tried to turn down being the leader. He knew that he should take it, being the oldest, but all the responsibilities that came with it caused anxiety to swirl around his stomach. When everyone else glared at him, Chanshik was the one who stood up for him. “Aww, leave him alone, you guys, if he doesn’t want to be the leader he doesn’t have to be!” Everyone promptly agreed and this was the first of many instances where the maknae controlled his hyungs. Jinyoung nominated himself for leader and everything started to fit together. Later, Shinwoo wrapped his arm around Chanshik’s shoulder nervously. “T-Thank you, you didn’t have to stand up for me like that.”
When Chanshik smiled, really smiled, you could practically see all his gorgeous teeth and it made Shinwoo swoon and almost swallow his tongue. “Don’t worry about it, hyung~ We’re supposed to stick up for each other. I know you’d do the same for me.” And he would. He barely even knew the kid, but yes. He would.
Taxi driver, I swear I’ve got three lives balanced on my head like steak knives, I can’t tell you the truth about my disguise, I can’t trust no one.
Fast forward to a few months later and Shinwoo’s crush has only gotten worse. Chanshik had become his best friend and he reveled in all their encounters, no matter how trivial. Everything about the younger male amused Shinwoo endlessly, whether it was the way he ate, how he’d climb down to Shinwoo’s bunk and cuddle him if he had a nightmare, the way his face crinkled up when he laughed or how his teeth felt against his skin when he was playful and would bite Shinwoo. He would dream about those teeth dragging along other more intimate body parts at night, when he’d touch himself, the maknae’s visage stuck in his mind. Shinwoo always felt dirty afterward though, knowing that Chanshik was in the bed above his. It didn’t stop him from muttering his name, as his cum hit his stomach.
Sunwoo, not being the most sensitive fellow in the world, would tease them, asking how long they’d been dating and when to expect the baby. Color would rise to Shinwoo’s cheeks and Chanshik would laugh that magical laugh. Sometimes, he wondered if maybe Chanshik liked him too, but he was too afraid to ask, just like he was too afraid to even breathe near him, because even in existing Shinwoo’s body language screamed only for Chanshik. None of the members knew he was gay, but he thought it seemed glaringly obvious. He never wanted to come out to them, because he knew how most Koreans viewed homosexuality and he didn’t want them to think they were going to catch his disease. It was dumb, Shinwoo thought. He knew he wouldn’t catch their heterosexuality, so why did they think differently? Hopefully, his members weren’t as mean as the rest of the world.
He said, “Allahu akbar,” I told him don’t curse me, “Bo bo, you need prayer.” I guess it couldn’t hurt me.
In an attempt to keep his secret safely hidden, Shinwoo tried to find comfort in the arms of other closeted male idols. Lips crashed and tongues licked and teeth nipped, all trying to find something of substance in completely shallow actions. None of this made him feel any better, because he only thought of Chanshik. A few times, he’d even whisper his name and open his eyes, to see a not so happy camper. It didn’t take very long for his phone to stop ringing. Once Shinwoo’s phone went off to tell him he had a new text message and he grabbed it excitedly, wanting to get rid of his increasingly unbearable loneliness. But the text only said, ‘sort out ur fucking issues loser’. He heaved a heavy sigh, wondering how long he could keep this up before he fell apart.
Surprisingly, he managed to keep it up for a couple of years. It was the exact opposite of easy though, as Shinwoo only fell deeper and deeper for Chanshik. Living with him and seeing him every day made him able to see just how beautiful he was, even in doing unimportant things, like surfing the internet, taking pictures of himself for their fans, breathing or even crying. Shinwoo was always there for him, just like Chanshik asked when they first met. Sometimes the homesickness was too much for the maknae to take and he’d collapse in heavy sobs on to the older male’s always accepting lap. He’d run his fingers through his hair and sing quiet lullabies to try to calm him down. Sometimes, it’d take a while, but it’d always work and Chanshik would give him a neck nuzzle as thanks. He felt so unworthy of being touched or even regarded by such a wonderful creature.
This unrequited love, to me it’s nothing but a one-man cult and cyanide in my styrofoam cup.
On the day that Shinwoo finally decided to confess his feelings, he saw Chanshik obviously flirting with one of their sunbaes, backstage at a music show. It wouldn’t have caused him so much distress, if the sunbae in question wasn’t a girl. He gulped, hoping that Chanshik liked both boys and girls… that happened right? His palms became sweaty and he had to sit down, feeling like he was going to throw up. Taking a few deep breaths, he decided he needed to tell Chanshik anyway, no matter what happened, he couldn’t go on with these feelings living inside his chest anymore. It was as if they grew more and more every day and would eventually suffocate him.
A few minutes before they were set to go on, Shinwoo took Chanshik aside, heart in his stomach and feeling as if he couldn’t speak. And yet, somehow the words slid out easier than falling asleep after a long day, “C-Chanshik… I’m...... I’m in love with you.” Both their faces grew red and Shinwoo waited for what seemed like centuries for his response. Chanshik just shook his head and left the room, to prepare for their filming. Shinwoo clenched his fists, nails digging and cutting into his skin, making them bleed, just like his heart.
Usually, Shinwoo was the one member who made the least mistakes, but today he was completely off his game. He tripped and his voice cracked. Everyone, except Chanshik, became irritated and asked what was wrong and Shinwoo just brushed them off, not wanting to draw attention to himself, not wanting to do anything but lie on the ground and die. They had to film seven times, before they were able to complete everything. Jinyoung gave him a good nagging, something about how they had to be serious now, since they were finally starting to get popular and they could even win an award soon, so Shinwoo couldn’t just mess things up. His words fell on deaf ears and he trudged towards the company van. Chanshik grabbed his wrist and looked at him sadly, Shinwoo’s ears perked up and his pulse started to race, hoping that maybe he had changed his mind.
But no.
“Shinwoo, you’re my best friend, I love you more than anything in the world, b-but I’m straight. I’m so so so sorry. I never wanted to hurt you.” Even as his heart was torn out and stomped on, Shinwoo couldn’t help but feel adoration for Chanshik’s sweet voice. He didn’t want to hurt him he said, but he had done exactly just that. It was something that Shinwoo thought was impossible just a few months ago.
He yanked his hand away from Chanshik’s warm touch and climbed into the van, not wanting him to see the tears that fell, in quick succession, down his cheeks.
I can never make him love me, never make him love me. Love me, love me, love me, love me, love me.
Shinwoo began avoiding Chanshik after he rejected him. Things became strained and the other members, who had no idea what was going on, were deeply confused by the tense atmosphere between the two former best friends. They told the hosts of Weekly Idol, and they tried to bring them closer together by making them play The Apple Game. Never had Shinwoo’s heart ached so much, as it did in the moment that he was pressed up so closely against Chanshik. He had everything, he had nothing. Having him slide down his body, clinging tightly to his waist, made it difficult to breathe.
To ease the situation, and hopefully get it over with sooner, Shinwoo made a remark about the mole on Chanshik’s lip, the one he knew all too well about. He had dreamed so long about sucking and biting on that spot, in the throes of passion. Having to hold himself together, when he wanted nothing more than to break down, nothing more than to cry on his shoulder, was near impossible. After filming, Shinwoo cried in the shower, cold, naked, alone. Water is supposed to help wash away your troubles, but it just made them seem even more tangible. Chanshik tried to offer comfort in the form of a forearm touch and a hushed sorry, Shinwoo just shook his head and went to bed.
Days, weeks, months and eventually a year came and went and nothing changed. Shinwoo was still gay and in love with Chanshik and Chanshik was still heterosexual and not in love with Shinwoo. Every passing moment only reminded Shinwoo of the thing that he could never have.
If it brings me to my knees, it’s a bad religion.
One day, Shinwoo decided to go the church in town. He hadn’t been in many years, but the words that his mother told him when he was younger repeated in his head, ‘If the pain is ever too much to take, go talk to Him, He will listen to you in His house.’ Never had he been very religious, but he was willing to try anything at this point. When he walked in, the vastness of the building, the paintings of angels and Jesus’s body hanging on a cross frightened him, this along with the feeling of being unclean did not make him feel any more at ease about talking to God.
He slumped down in a random, empty pew, feeling more nervous than he had in a long time. Funny, since God was supposed to be an all-accepting deity, though Shinwoo felt like he had been everything but in his short lifetime. Not exactly sure how to pray, he closed his eyes and placed his elbows on the pew and sat in a typical prayer position, leaning his head against his hands.
Inside his mind, he spoke, “Uhm… hi. I don’t know if you’re listening, but… I just… I really need your help right now. I know that I haven’t been all that great of a person, but I’ve never asked you for anything before, so if you could lend me a hand right now, it’d be great,” Shinwoo let out a sigh, feeling stupid, but continued anyway, “I know that you don’t love me, because of the way I am… but isn’t that your fault? Didn’t you make me this way? If I’m supposed to get on my knees and beg for forgiveness, just for being who I am… doesn’t that make you the bad person… thing… whatever? You’re probably not going to help me after all that and I’m… sorry for everything. But it…. really hurts right now. And I can’t take it anymore. If this is my punishment for being gay, then I get it… I feel that it’s gone on for long enough now. Of course, that’s up to you, but just… please. Think about it… I’m not even sure if I believe in you, but if you won’t love me, who will?”
A hand gives Shinwoo’s shoulder a reassuring pat and he looks up, only to realize that he had started crying. He had done it so often over the past year that he barely noticed it anymore. He wipes his tears away, embarrassed that someone besides God had caught him in a moment of weakness. The priest that stood before him gave a small, sweet smile, “Don’t worry about what anyone says. He loves you, no matter what you’ve done or what you’re going to do. Come talk to Him anytime you need to, He will listen.”
Shinwoo stood up and gave the priest a small bow of his head and started heading out the doors. Honestly, he didn’t feel any better or anymore convinced that God was there for him, but maybe, just maybe he could make it through the day. And that was all he needed.
It’s a bad religion, to be in love with someone who could never love you, only bad religion could have me feelin’ the way I do.