Dear everyone, we have swine flu. I coughed into an urn and got swine flu. Your airplane slept in your bed and gave you swine flu. Our sirens are useless against it. It was packaged into all the peanut butter. Heads rolled over that. Swine flu filled a city built on top of a lake which was itself already on top of a mountain, so in dedication ( Read more... )

Jennifer White: 6' 2" lesbian family friend who claims to have once driven through the end of a rainbow on the freeway ( Read more... )

I have all these context based jokes that I have no outlet for because I've got nothing going on. Like, for example, the phrase "Jesus, take the wheel." I hesitate to bring it up because, even now, I see the immense potential that could be released with a timely, pithy application of this phrase. But, having nothing to apply it to, it will, as ( Read more... )

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"I got a text from my dad at midnight that said '220 lbs!' and then I dreamed that I strangled a tiger."

"It's too early for this."

"All you had to do was hear about it. I had to live it."

I had this beautiful moment at the Whole Foods on Denny two days ago. Bill and I delivered many cabinets in the rain and both wanted soup. He bought a thin orange soup. The thickest soup they had appeared to be black bean, so, the consistency of soups being very important to me, I got that one. Didn't disappoint. In the checkout line I noticed ( Read more... )

I can't decide what to do so I'm drinking chocolate milk. I went to a pretty glacial concert on....Thursday! It felt at first like we weren't going to get in because who knows what those college kids we bought our tickets from over the phone have been smoking, and we got there late (on purpose), and how easy is it to enter ice? Not very. It ( Read more... )

What did I do today. I walked around in a blanket until my friends left the house, and then I found the focus of being alone: which is the lack of worrying that you are not pleasing your company, you can do anything then so you might as well do something. So I took a nice shower in our hot bathroom and went out to get my hair cut. I looked at ( Read more... )

My brother (affecting a Cockney accent that he really can't sustain, intermittently lapsing into the hybrid Australian-Chinese-German-Partial Stroke voice that is his all-purpose accent): Do you 'ave enny space on yer ipod ( Read more... )

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