You'll never be alone again.
his magical year wasn’t going well at the moment. Truth be told, Blaine was simply hoping to survive this afternoon rehearsal with one Rachel Berry.
“I think, Blaine, “that perhaps you need to deliver your lines on my stage left, it frames me better and gives a more dramatic punch to the scene.” Stage left, he was already one step away from edge.
Why don’t I just feed the lines off stage to you, you demanding bitch.
“Rachel, I think the scene works the way Artie framed it. The point is that we are both highlighted during the singing and the concept is a couple in love, not Maria by herself.” This was as forceful as Blaine allowed himself, and he hoped Rachel would grasp the tone of what he was trying to convey.
The rest of the cast braced themselves, as they seemed to understand what Blaine was saying. The sympathetic glances he got fed his resolve; somebody had to stand up to her.
“Well, far be it from me to offer suggestions that could possibly be for the benefit of the play as opposed to only my character, and I don’t think it’s very chivalrous of you to imply otherwise Blaine.”
OK, so she did get his implication.
“Let nobody say Rachel Berry isn’t a team player.” Rachel smiled sweetly. “Why don’t we try it my way for half a dozen times and then we can try it again this way which clearly is not working…” Maybe it was Blaine’s imagination, but he thought he heard a collective sigh emanating from the stage.
When he commiserated to Kurt about his Maria, Kurt was empathetic. “It’s just her way. You have to understand, her Dads put the sound track of Cats when she was still in her crib as a lullaby to get her to sleep. That would do things to any child.”
“But she can’t seem to grasp that there are others in the musical who need to shine, even if is to make her look good.”
“I know, I know, Blaine.” Kurt glanced at his watch.
“Uh, Blaine, I have to go now, I’ve got a study session to go to..”
It had been that way for the last month, all during the rehearsals of West Side Story. Kurt listened sympathetically to Blaine’s tales of woe and tried to help with advice. Quick advice. And then he had to go, he had to leave , it was either coming from or going somewhere.
Blaine felt a pulling back from Kurt . Almost a sense of apathy for the drama of even New Directions antics in the West Side Story production that Blaine tried to engage him with.
Even the notion of Kurt being with him in the production fell apart when he found out second hand that Kurt had quit. At first Kurt said that the role of Officer Krupke didn’t require being there every day for rehearsals, and indeed the three directors had their arms full just trying to get Rachel, Blaine, Santana and Mike on the same page. Krupke was an after thought and both Blaine and Kurt treaded around the subject. I t was a small role. It didn’t require singing or dancing. Blaine was aware that it had to sting Kurt but was afraid to bring the subject up.
Suddenly he saw someone rehearsing the Krupke lines and felt like a fool when Emma Pillsbury told him. “Blaine, Kurt quit the role days ago, I thought you knew.”
He didn’t know.
When he confronted Kurt, Kurt seemed evasive. “Blaine , it’s just a small role and with everything I’m doing my senior year.”
“Kurt, this was supposed to be us together in West Side Story. “
“Well yea” responded Kurt “ but I thought maybe as Tony and Riff, or Tony and Bernardo, I never thought it would be..” and for a moment the bitterness in Kurt’s voice broke through his nonchalance.
But it an instant it was gone.
“Forget it. Oh Blaine, you’re so busy acting with Rachel and Santana it’s not as if we see each other all that much during rehearsals.”
But the point was that we would be together. Always. Our magical year.
How much resentment did Kurt actually have that the role he coveted was Blaine’s , a Junior? Kurt who had confessed to Blaine he need badly to pad his resume after the Dayton Doubletree debacle and was so looking forward to the role of Tony.
Yet Kurt offered nothing other than to say that he wasn’t quite feeling the role and neither were the Directors for him. It didn’t sound right to Blaine, but he was afraid to ask more.
Kurt had assured him he had to take the role, in fact he insisted and seemed happy for Blaine.
But now….
Now it was the day of their play’s debut and he looked down at his text message from Kurt:
Blaine, you’re wonderful. I’m so proud of my Tony. Break a leg Blaine Warbler. xxx
But Blaine wasn’t sure of the text . Was he really Kurt’s Tony? There was so much he had to talk to Kurt about as soon as the play was over.
*********************
Just before the curtain was going up Blaine’s heart was racing. This was it. Then he saw Kurt, who was standing backstage waiting for him.
“Kurt.. God I haven’t seen you for days..I missed you.”
“Blaine did you really think I wasn’t going to wish you luck in person and tell you that I’m so proud of you? “
Something was off, something In Kurt’s face and tone but Blaine couldn’t place it.
Suddenly Kurt, yes, Kurt, pulled Blaine towards him and kissed him in front of the backstage crew and the cast. Blaine flinched for a second with the unexpected gesture and then fell into the kiss. There were catcalls and whistle s from the New Direction kids.
“Whooaa Hummel. Wait until Blaine actually delivers on the performance.”
“He never kissed me like that, my unicorn was holding out on me”.
Blaine breathlessly looked up at Kurt…”Kurt this is so unexpected coming from you. “
His boyfriend looked at him and Blaine could swear there were tears in his eyes, “ You’re not alone, I’m with you every second of this performance Blaine. I’m with you and I’ve never been prouder of you. Goodbye.”
“Goodbye?”
“Uh..I mean later, break a leg!”
Amid the congratulations, and the beautiful arrangement from his parents who sent their regrets for not being able to attend, Blaine was on a high. Somehow it had all come together, the whole damn chaotic production. He thought that Santana and Mike stole the show with their interpretations of Anita and Biff, but Puck and the rest did a fantastic job. Rachel was Rachel, she was good. And his own playing of Tony, it felt comfortable, maybe this whole acting and singing was more then something he enjoyed , maybe it come be more in his life.
There was just one thing.
He glanced at the orchestra seating to the right of the stage during the opening overture and saw a beaming Kurt. But at some point the seat was empty. He couldn’t pinpoint when exactly but Kurt was gone, and he never came back.
Mr. Schuester hugged him, “Blaine, this is just the beginning, I’m eyeing you for a New Directions solo.”
Where was Kurt?
Rachel crushed him between the arrangements she was cradling like a child , “Blaine, it was kismet between us. We could be the next Alfred Lunt and Lynn Fontaine of the theatre.”
Shut up Bitch. Where was Kurt?
The shouts and hugs and high fives among the cast was intoxicating. They were a kick ass company and they all knew it. Puck was crying. He was so overcome with emotion over their triumph.
Where was Kurt?
Burt and Carole had congratulated him earlier and said they had a plane to catch because Carole’s aunt was ailing but they loved his role. “You did well Kiddo” was Burt’s greeting to Blaine. “Listen we gotta go but I haven’t seen that kid of mine, he’s gotta be here somewhere.”
Where was Kurt?
“Dude you rocked it as Tony. Hell, you even rocked it as Maria’s boyfriend even though you were just acting. I mean, I’m glad you’re gay, that your into boys because the way you were looking at Rachel if I didn’t know you were gay. I mean, not that there’s anything wrong if you were straight.
Maybe it was because he hung around the Hummel household way too much time but Blaine had no problem deciphering Finn’s scrambled congratulation.
“Thanks Finn. Where’s Kurt?”
“Your singing and dancing are amazing.”
“Finn, where’s Kurt?”
“He’s not here, dude?”
Yes, Blaine was around the Hummel household far more then was healthy. He even knew when Finn was being evasive, as opposed to just slightly dim. In the case of Finn, that is an art form that is not easily mastered to be able to tell the difference.
“Finn.”
“Yeah Blaine?”
“Where’s Kurt?”
“Well he’s not here.”
This was going nowhere very fast. He snatched Finn’s phone out of his hand .
“Hey dude, that’s not right.”
Blaine quickly scrolled to Finn’s text messages.
“I swear Finn, under pain of death and divulging your browser history to every football recruiting scout in Ohio you will not, I repeat, you will not tell Blaine I am in Dayton at the theatre.”
***********************
It was a long ride to Dayton and Blaine had time to think.
It had been a very sobering week in more ways than one, and what he had discovered had shook him to the core.
First was the heart to heart with Artie.
“Blaine, something has been bothering me for a long time. And I hope you don’t hold it against us.”
Blaine looked quizzically at Artie, who of all the New Directions kids seemed the most affable and non-confrontational. What could Blaine possibly hold against him?
Artie shifted in his wheel chair and avoided looking Blaine directly in the eyes.
“I never apologized to Kurt over the whole audition process. So are we good with him? I always thought his quitting the production was that he never forgave us, and it’s killing me.”
Blaine abhorred lying, he thought it was contemptible to deceive. It wasn’t honorable , noble or good. It wasn’t the Dalton way. But he knew instinctively that McKinley was different. It was a different jungle and he needed to lie this particular time. It was obvious that Kurt was keeping something from him, which might explain Kurt’s curious behavior the last few weeks.
“Artie, why the hell did you guys do what you did”. It was a bluff and Blaine hoped that it paid off.
“We didn’t know that Kurt was listening to our critique of his audition. I found out afterwards that he was outside the window, as the security cameras caught him crouched below the open window of the drama room. He heard everything. He heard Coach Beistie saying that Kurt didn’t excite her ‘lady parts.’ He heard me say that he couldn’t pass for masculine, he heard Emma talk about his toothpick arms…and in the second audition when we laughed at him..”
“You all laughed at him?”
“Well yes, when he tried to show us that he could play straight. Even Rachel laughed at him when he tried to kiss her.”
Rachel.
That cunt.
Blaine listened in mounting horror. It took all his will power not to storm out of the theatre right then and there and tell the directors of the production where they could shove their play. But the proper Dalton student stubbornly stopped him, ticket had been sold, a full house, and it was too late to back out.
But it got worse.
Santana eyed Blaine this afternoon between last rehearsals. He knew her well enough.
“So what is it Santana?”
“Are you good with Kurt, Hobbit?”
“Excuse me?”
“I’m a straight up bitch, but you know I don’t lie.”
Blaine couldn’t quite figure Santana out, she was hiding something about herself. Yet she seemed otherwise honest to a fault and he knew she wanted to tell him something. And he knew that it wasn’t malicious or ill intentioned because she had no romantic or mercenary interest in him.
“Spill it Aunt Tana.”
“Kurt has been seeing someone the last few weeks.”
“Kurt always sees someone.”
“He’s a gorgeous blond boy, probably in his early twenties. Here is the photo do you want to see?”
Blaine wanted to feign indifference but he couldn’t . He glanced at the text photo and his blood froze. Kurt was having coffee with a drop dead Brad Pitt look a-like . Brad Pitt before Angelina Jolie aged him with a passel of crying toddlers from a Benetton commercial.
“So Kurt is having coffee with a friend, big deal, Santana.”
Play it cool.
“Blaine, what is the friend’s name?”
Stay loose boy.
“What does it matter?”
Breeze it . Buzz it. Easy does it.
“Ouch, its’ worse than I thought, you don’t even know this boy existed.”
“IF I did or didn’t , what does a simple coffee date impact me or Kurt?. Really Santana, I want to give you the benefit of the doubt that you are not the bitch everyone says you are, but…”
Just play it cool, boy
Real cool
Santana touched Blaine’s hand and smiled wanly, “ Hey I didn’t mean to upset you, honestly.”
“I’m not, honest.” So why does my voice sound so raw and ragged?
Santana eyed him. “Here are the facts. Kurt has had about sixteen coffee dates with this boy over the last month. Sixteen. Are you going to tell me you didn’t know a damn thing about any of them. That Kurt didn’t mention him at all? So I’m asking you, “are you good with Kurt?”
“Your sources…”
“My sources are infallible.”
In a gentler tone , Santana continued. “Hobbit I have video, do you want to hear?”
Blaine blinked affirmatively but couldn’t talk.
Santana turned on the audio portion of the video..
“I really really am enjoying this”
“it’s my pleasure Kurt, you are really one of a kind”.
“I bet you say that to everyone you meet”
“No I don’t.”
“But tell me when are you going to tell your boyfriend about us?”
“I don’t want to. I don’t think he’d understand and I don’t want him to get upset”
“What is there to understand? It’s your choice not his. You’re free to do what you want Kurt, it’s your life.”
“I know but I don’t want to complicate things.”
“Then you shouldn’t be meeting me. You brought these complications into your life.”
**********************************
Oh yea, it was an eventful ride for Blaine to Dayton alone with his thoughts.
He was almost rude in getting out of the auditorium and telling everyone he wasn’t going to the after the play party.
He looked at the directions that were on his iphone of the Dalton Repertory Company Theatre.
Was this guy Kurt was seeing starring in some play that same day as Blaine’s debut?.
Kurt didn’t even stay for his whole fucking performance. He got up and just left.
Was it over, and if it was, why didn’t Kurt have the balls to tell him now?
************************
Blaine hated that everyone assumed he transferred only for Kurt. Yes, that was a big part of it, but it wasn’t the only reason and it had as much to do with Blaine’s own needs, even if he was a little ashamed of those needs. He wished it was for his romantic yearning for his boyfriend, but that wasn’t all it either.
When Kurt mentioned that he wanted to spend every day with Blaine, the feeling inside of Blaine’s heart could hardly be contained. The magic was Kurt wanting him that way. No one had ever felt that way about him. No one.
It had always been very difficult for Blaine to analyze things in his life because it never made him feel good about himself.
His parents loved him in their own way, he knew they did, but when Blaine was honest with himself they didn’t truly need him. They didn’t crave his presence. It was a bitter truth that Blaine didn’t like to dwell on, it stung too much. Boarding at Dalton emphasized that even more. The Anderson family had rallied to try to make Blaine’s transfer from public to private school as smooth as possible, perhaps too smooth. They never asked or requested he come home on weekends other than the expected holidays. They never asked him to come because they needed him to. And ironically hanging out with Kurt and his family just made it even worse for Blaine. The easy comfort and camaraderie between Kurt and Burt was almost painful to watch, as if it was a constant reminder what he didn’t have.
What was it about him that made his parents distance themselves from him?
It was so convenient and easy to say that it was because he came out. It certainly didn’t help matters with his Dad, but once again, the truth was more complicated. He and his father had never been close even before that. If anything his being gay was an inconvenience, a discomfort for his parents. It was yet another visible scar over a cut that had been there, a reminder that he was part of them yet somehow still apart.
So it had to be him.
No matter how hard he tried, this feeling of not being loved by them completely was always there.
It hung over his home like cloud , in every spoken conversation with his Dad. It hung over his mother’s awkward efforts to smooth other his father’s distance. The torn loyalties of his mother were worse, because as much as she loved him, he never felt she would make that choice if push came to shove. Blaine didn’t expect her to, but he felt in his heart it wasn’t ever going to be on option for her. That was hard to swallow.
So for Kurt to tell him that being with him very day would make his senior year magical…
Would Blaine ever get that in his life again? He hoped he would but how could he be sure? Would anyone love him like Kurt did?
Kurt who saw his flaws and weaknesses, Kurt who saw his utter humiliation in the Jeremiah debacle. Kurt who called him out in his “bi” issue, when all along Blaine knew that he wasn’t really attracted to Rachel, and had to blink when confronted with Rachel’s fashion choice. Kurt who never reminded him how badly Blaine’ s advice on Karofsky had turned out.
Oh God.
Looking back when he promised Kurt he had his back as they confronted Karofsky, the lump in his throat about that incident had never really subsided.
It was so sudden. Blaine trying to lecture Karofsky and the athlete pushing Blaine as if about to strike him and Blaine raising his hands in a gesture of peace and non resistance. And Kurt without thinking pushing Karofsky off of him.
When Kurt had pushed off Karofsky from Blaine that day that seemed like eons ago Blaine was amazed by the courage displayed by Kurt. Blaine’s own response wasn’t necessarily wrong, trying to defuse the situation by indicating to Karofsky that he wasn’t there to fight him. But in a way, he had been there to confront Karofsky, should he have been shocked that closeted bully reacted as he did to Blaine’s intervention? Why hadn’t he forseen that consequence?
Kurt didn’t think, didn’t try to defuse, he confronted and told Karofsky to stop. Someone who was so physically intimidating, someone who Kurt knew could harm him.
Blaine knew that was something Kurt had that he didn’t yet posses; The ability to confront knowing full the possibilities and the dangers in doing so and yet willing to do it.
And how did Blaine try to defuse his own feelings? By telling Kurt “why are you so upset?” At that moment Blaine couldn’t face up to his own failings of completely having misread Kurt’s bullying situation.
So he did what he best, try to compensate in other ways. Trying to be the best possible friend to Kurt, showing that he really did have Kurt’s back.
That was then.
It took a damn dead bird to hit Blaine with a two by four over Kurt and what Kurt was really was to him. Yet just as suddenly, Kurt transferred back to McKinley.
As much as he loved Dalton and the Warblers, as much as he loved the security of Dalton, he had run away. So Blaine transferred also. So now he was at a public school again and with Kurt.
Because he needed Kurt.
Because Kurt Hummel had a need for him. Both would have each other, neither would be alone.
Yet it was all falling apart because Kurt had pulled away from him. He didn’t need Blaine anymore.
All because of this God forsaken play.
Blaine cursed the day he got the role of Tony. He cursed West Side Story. It hadn’t brought him and Kurt closer, if anything it had driven them apart.
****************************
As he drove to the theatre and parked the car, he walked up to the box office. There was a poster of the play, “Spring Awakening”. Odd. He had seen it last year with Kurt in Columbus, and it wasn’t too hard to fudge a bit and not tell either set of parents what the play was really about. The title was so innocent, even if the musical was anything but.
The name on the poster gave him pause.
Allan Michaels in the role of Melchior.
It was a photo of Kurt.
As he purchased a ticket Blaine sat in the back row and watched the performance already in full flight.
It was amazing.
He had never seen Kurt like this before. Kurt as Melchior was the German student yearning to know what love and sex offered about life. Lusty, bawdy, horny, pensive Kurt was Melchior. Or was Melchior Kurt? The counter tenor’s voice somehow worked in the role , some songs were rearranged for him but it worked. His lust for the actress playing Wendla was palpable. Blaine had to remind himself, that is Kurt up there. That straight man is Kurt.
He wanted to cry, that was Kurt, his Kurt up there. Giving a performance to a full house that included apparently nobody Kurt knew.
He was alone. As far as Kurt knew he was alone.
Blaine knew what he had to do.
He walked out of the theatre and purchased an arrangement and bribed some stage hands so he could go back stage. It was amazing what a roll of bills could accomplish.
There was no way somebody wasn’t going to greet Kurt as soon as he walked off that stage , he wasn’t going to be alone. No matter what happened afterwards, Blaine was going to be there that evening.
After his second curtain call Kurt walked off the stage and nearly into Blaine’s arm.
The surprise was genuine and Blaine hugged Kurt tightly as he handed him the arrangement, “Congratulations, Kurt.”
Kurt looked shocked . For a second Blaine thought that Kurt was about to cry but he quickly composed himself.
“The flowers, they’re beautiful Blaine.”
“You were..you were fantastic.”
Kurt smiled, “you have to say that, you’re my boyfriend. But, what are you doing here?”
Blaine allowed himself to look hurt and wounded. “Where else should I be but supporting you in your triumphant stage debut? Were you really going to take that away from me, I don’t understand.”
Kurt looked down and he did look embarrassed. “It’s just that, it’s not about me. Tonight is your night.”
“Bullshit , Kurt,” snapped Blaine.
Kurt blinked in surprise because Blaine so rarely cursed.
“This is entirely about you. It’s about you giving a kick ass performance that I’m so proud of you and proud of being with you that I could burst. It’s about sharing everything. It’s about not telling me what you went through on the West Side Story Audition process. It’s about you daring to be selfish with me because you can be. It’s about trying to spare my feelings in order not to rain on my parade when you were going through hell all by yourself.”
Blaine, your voice is cracking.
“It’s about me not measuring up as the boyfriend who you need and who you want with you. It’s about you being alone tonight.“
And dammit, Blaine didn’t want to cry, he didn’t want his voice to crack, he didn’t want to make a scene because it wasn’t about him, but, well, yes, it was about him . The strain of not knowing what Kurt was going though was too much for Blaine.
He stood there trying to wipe away his tears.. and Kurt was holding him in his arms in one quick motion. And Kurt was wrapping him tightly, stroking his back and trying to calm Blaine’s trembling shoulders. And this wasn’t right, it wasn’t about Kurt consoling him.
“Blaine, honey, I’m sorry, I’m sorry.” Kurt brushed his lips against Blaine’s cheek, trying to dry his tears.
“Kurt promise me you’ll never do that to me again, promise me.”
“I promise you” whispered Kurt, “ I promise you.”
“Why Kurt, why did you shut me out? Do you resent me that much?”
Kurt sighed and his gaze gave Blaine some reassurance. His eyes were full of warmth and love.
“Blaine Warbler, you are the best thing that has ever happened to me and don’t ever forget that.”
Kurt bit his lip and looked a little nervous.
“I’m sure you know by now that my audition process wasn’t everything I hoped it would have been for the role of Tony. It’s painful to think about it even now but they laughed at me. Even Coach Beistie and Emma Pillsbury. I don’t think I’ll ever get over that completely.”
Even now the anger was rising in Blaine, “Kurt I would have told them to fuck their play and shove the role of Tony up their ass if I would have known..”
“I know Blaine, believe me I know.” Kurt smiled wryly.
“Which is precisely why I didn’t tell you. Because as bad as my audition was, yours was glorious. I was there. I don’t think I was ever as proud of another person as I was of you that afternoon. I wanted to burst out yelling, ‘That is my boyfriend. That wonderful person is mine, and only mine.’” And Kurt’s eyes were welling as he tried to stop from tearing up.
“So your triumph was mine. You would have been happy if I would have nailed the part of Tony and you would have supported me. How could do I any less? Your happiness for me wasn’t with a price attached, so neither should mine.”
AS they stood there together Blaine marveled at the strength of Kurt of holding all this in and controlling his reactions around Blaine. Blaine who was as giddy and excited as a school boy of getting the lead role of Tony while Kurt had been…
“Kurt can you believe I got the role of Tony!?”
“Pulease Blaine, you had it in the bag. My boyfriend was the only viable candidate.’
“But Kurt, you were going for the role. “
“Nonsense, Blaine. It’s their loss if they can’t envision my Tony. But that’s separate from my being so happy for you so let’s celebrate, Breadstix is on me. But first I have to warn you about working with Rachel..”
“They, they thought you were too gay, didn’t they?” Blaine ventured to ask.
“Well yes, they did.”
“I’m gay too, Kurt.”
“Well Blaine, I’m gay gay, you’re, well, Rock Hudson gay. You know?”
“Yes I know.”
“Though I would have preferred to be Montgomery Cliff gay.”
Both boys couldn’t help but start laughing at this last quip. As they laughed some of the tension lifted.
“Oh Blaine, sweetie, It’s so hard to explain. Yes, at first I struggled with the fact that even my friends would look at me that way, something that wasn’t going to happen to you. It never bothered me as much before, but once you were at McKinley..”
“The comparison got to you.”
“Exactly. And that’s not the same thing as blaming you or even being jealous of you.” Kurt was struggling to express himself.
“Wait, that’s not exactly true. I was jealous, but not of you. Never of you. I was jealous of the ease with which you pass that I can’t. It’s not that I want to change, but there will always be an effort and work for me that you won’t go through. I accept that, but it isn’t always that easy for me.
It’s like our duet to “Animals,” the Crawford girls saw you as sexy, they just did. No girls would see me that way, and as hard as that is to swallow, it just is. Not that I necessarily would want that, but the option wasn’t there for me.
I had been driving to Dayton for more NYADA mixers. Someone suggested looking at local theatre companies as a way to get more experience, and yes, pad my resume.
So the opportunity came up to try out for this community theatre group. They were mounting a production of “Spring Awakening”. So the thought came to me, actually it started as a mere lark, but then I couldn’t get it out of my head that I should try something different. If there were no pre conceptions about me, no Kurt Hummel Prom Queen, I could try to do something on my own with this theatre group. I could carve something that was still me, but without the baggage that even my friends had about my persona. Does that make any sense?”
Blaine nodded.
“So I tried out, and I was called back for a second try out. And Blaine, they asked me for the role of Georg as well as being the understudy for the role of Melchior.”
“Georg?” Blaine finally found his voice.
“Yes, Georg!”
Blaine chuckled, “I never thought you had a thing for busty piano teachers.”
Kurt smiled, “It felt good. I was being judged on my ability and it took a hell of an effort but it was working.
“Kurt, I’m a little confused, what was working?”
His boyfriend glanced down and a blush spread over his cheeks, and as adorable as he looked to Blaine, he knew that Kurt was hiding something he was embarrassed about.
“I didn’t lie but I also didn’t offer information or background on myself when I tried out. I gave my middle name “Allan” and I just presented myself as an ambitious actor. Not as Kurt Hummel, stylist extraordinaire.”
A thought started to wrap itself around Blaine’s head but it just seemed so implausible.
“Kurt, are you trying to tell me that you tried to ‘pass’?”
Kurt shrugged, “I thought of it more as an acting drill, lower my voice, modify my mannerisms, having a “method” acting class for hours at a time if you will.”
Blaine stood there incredulous.
“Did it work?”
Kurt laughed, “somewhat.”
“Somewhat?”
“Several of my fellow thespians took me aside and had heart to heart talks with me, trying to make me come to grips with my closeted homosexuality. With the best of intentions, naturally.”
“Your kidding.”
“Please” snorted Kurt, I still coordinated my scarfs with my outfits so I was still the straightest non straight actor this side of Jesse St. James. Nobody can be as fabulous as me and pass as Quarterback James Brady.”
“Tom Brady”
“Whatever, who by the way, married to Giselle I’m not convinced he’s entirely straight…”
“Let’s get back to your secret identity acting life.”
“My Victor/Victoria adventure just sucked me in. I never meant to sustain the deception as long as I did. Of course once I was rehearsing with them my façade crumbled, maybe it was the time they were dissing Patti Lupone and I threatened to scratch someone’s eyes out. “
“That might have done it.”
“Well, by the time I got the part you were fully immersed in the role of Tony and West Side Story and all your drama trying to make the role your own with Ms. Rachel Berry threatening to devour the scenery and your character. Do you honestly think I wanted to spring my role and my own complicated acting experiment in the middle of all that? Plus if I told you everything I would have to go through the horror and humiliation of my audition hell all over again. It was enough juggling schoolwork driving to Dayton on weekends and keeping all this from my boyfriend, who for once I thanked for his adorable obliviousness about things.”
Blaine pondered Kurt’s words. It fit in with why Kurt seemed distracted, almost disinterested in the whole West Side Story production and drama. And all the time Blaine thought it was resentment and jealousy.
“I admit it became too much. I had to eventually drop out of the role of Officer Krupke but I couldn’t say why.
Every day I meant to quit the theatre group but they accepted me and it was so easy to slip in with them as Allan Michaels. And the group was so much fun, they were all so dedicated. They were all about getting the job done, perfecting the craft, and working as a team. Don’t get me wrong, I love New Directions but sometimes it’s nice to have a break from all the drama and juvenile antics. “
When Blaine thought about Santana and Rachel going at it like two buzz saws over the “I feel pretty” numbers and who wore what color blouse and skirt and where their entrance was from…
“Our production’s schedule got scrambled, as did West Side Story’s. Before I knew it we had conflicting schedules and my debut was going to overlap with yours.
I honestly was going to skip my part to come to your opening debut , because really I had proven my point to myself. Which was enough for me. But when Gregory who had the lead got suddenly ill with Mono and they needed me to step into the role of Melchior…”
“No, naturally you couldn’t walk away..”
“Then with Dad and Carole going out of town and the big debut of West Side Story with the celebration of yours and Rachel’s eventual triumph I just couldn’t , I couldn’t then indirectly upstage your moment. Because it was your moment, deservedly so. You worked so so hard.
Mine seemed more like a point of pride for me, I don’t know, it just seemed selfish in comparison.
I was trying to prove something to myself, and then it just blossomed into something else. But it felt wonderful, almost as if I could step out from my world. Maybe it wasn’t quite being in New York, but it was outside of Lima, Ohio. It was an opportunity.”
“Which you took.”
“Yes, which I took.”
Kurt took Blaine’s hand. “It killed me to leave your debut as early as I did, but I really had to get away and go through a practice run. As the understudy I had to get my bearings and I didn’t want to distract you since I knew you were also a nervous wreck. “
“Part of my being a nervous wreck was the fear that I was losing you.”
“Blaine…”
It was now or never. He found it hard to get the words out of his throat.
“Kurt, you’ve been seeing someone haven’t you? They told me you were having dates with someone the last few weeks, people have seen you.”
“Is it about a tall gorgeous Blond boy?”
Blaine’s heart sank. “Yes, I hear he’s gorgeous.”
Kurt lifted Blaine’s chin so he could gaze at him. “Look at me, Blaine.” Blaine reluctantly looked up.
“The boy is my acting coach. Once Gregory was out of the production I knew I didn’t have a second to spare, I had no illusions I needed more help. And Gustav was worth every penny I paid him.
“Gustav?”
“I know. Personally I think it’s George, but Gustav the coach has a better ring to it.”
Blaine breathed and he felt he never had loved anyone as much as he did Kurt Hummel that moment. That was why he had to continue to engage. Something more had to be said.
“Kurt, there must be something about me that makes you think I have to be protected, from your feelings, from everything you’re going through. I felt that at Dalton, that wall you had constructed around yourself and I am so afraid it’s going to be easy for you to build those walls if something else comes along. Because something else is going to come around. I don’t know what. But there will always be something. There always is.
“Blaine, it’s just that I felt so humiliated. Why would you want to share that?”
“Because the crazy idea is to share everything, and I do mean everything, Kurt. Your fear of muting my joy in getting Tony, that joy was nothing to me when I felt you were withholding from me. That was the whole point of my transferring over to McKinley so that we could be together, every day. Did you honestly think I only expected that to be for the good times? I needed to transfer Kurt, because I need you in my life. If you shut me out, even because you think your protecting me, it hurts me worse. “
“It’s not easy for me to do that.”
“I know that, but next time, will you please give me the option if I want to tell McKinley High to fuck themselves if they mess with my man?”
“Yes.”
“Is that a promise?”
“Yes.”
“And Kurt, I am so going to let everybody know what I think of their audition process and it’s not going to be pretty, I promise you it will get very, very ugly.”
Kurt paused, “Will there be tears?”
“Oh yeah, and I assure you they won’t be my tears shed. Plus some serious ass chewing.”
“And Blaine…”
“Yes?”
Kurt’s eyes were tearing up.” I’m so glad you found out. I’m not inherently that noble or self sacrificing if you haven’t noticed.”
Blaine smiled, “I’ve noticed.”
He now wrapped his arms around Kurt and he promised himself he would never let go. Not in a way that mattered. He would be there for Kurt and Kurt would trust him so that his battles were their battles, and Kurt’s humiliation was theirs together, as well as his triumphs because that was the most wonderful and terrifying thing about being one.
Kurt sniffed. “I felt like crap that nobody was here to see me. I felt so alone. I wanted to be so noble but it sucks. It really really sucks. I thought I did I great job and I was already wallowing in so much self pity that I would make Rachel Berry look like Mother Teresa in comparison. So when I saw you waiting for me in the wings with the flowers..”
The next thing Kurt felt was Blaine’s lips brushing against his and being lost in his enveloping kiss.
“Kurt Hummel, you’ll never be alone again. I promise you that.”
“I think, Blaine, “that perhaps you need to deliver your lines on my stage left, it frames me better and gives a more dramatic punch to the scene.” Stage left, he was already one step away from edge.
Why don’t I just feed the lines off stage to you, you demanding bitch.
“Rachel, I think the scene works the way Artie framed it. The point is that we are both highlighted during the singing and the concept is a couple in love, not Maria by herself.” This was as forceful as Blaine allowed himself, and he hoped Rachel would grasp the tone of what he was trying to convey.
The rest of the cast braced themselves, as they seemed to understand what Blaine was saying. The sympathetic glances he got fed his resolve; somebody had to stand up to her.
“Well, far be it from me to offer suggestions that could possibly be for the benefit of the play as opposed to only my character, and I don’t think it’s very chivalrous of you to imply otherwise Blaine.”
OK, so she did get his implication.
“Let nobody say Rachel Berry isn’t a team player.” Rachel smiled sweetly. “Why don’t we try it my way for half a dozen times and then we can try it again this way which clearly is not working…” Maybe it was Blaine’s imagination, but he thought he heard a collective sigh emanating from the stage.
When he commiserated to Kurt about his Maria, Kurt was empathetic. “It’s just her way. You have to understand, her Dads put the sound track of Cats when she was still in her crib as a lullaby to get her to sleep. That would do things to any child.”
“But she can’t seem to grasp that there are others in the musical who need to shine, even if is to make her look good.”
“I know, I know, Blaine.” Kurt glanced at his watch.
“Uh, Blaine, I have to go now, I’ve got a study session to go to..”
It had been that way for the last month, all during the rehearsals of West Side Story. Kurt listened sympathetically to Blaine’s tales of woe and tried to help with advice. Quick advice. And then he had to go, he had to leave , it was either coming from or going somewhere.
Blaine felt a pulling back from Kurt . Almost a sense of apathy for the drama of even New Directions antics in the West Side Story production that Blaine tried to engage him with.
Even the notion of Kurt being with him in the production fell apart when he found out second hand that Kurt had quit. At first Kurt said that the role of Officer Krupke didn’t require being there every day for rehearsals, and indeed the three directors had their arms full just trying to get Rachel, Blaine, Santana and Mike on the same page. Krupke was an after thought and both Blaine and Kurt treaded around the subject. I t was a small role. It didn’t require singing or dancing. Blaine was aware that it had to sting Kurt but was afraid to bring the subject up.
Suddenly he saw someone rehearsing the Krupke lines and felt like a fool when Emma Pillsbury told him. “Blaine, Kurt quit the role days ago, I thought you knew.”
He didn’t know.
When he confronted Kurt, Kurt seemed evasive. “Blaine , it’s just a small role and with everything I’m doing my senior year.”
“Kurt, this was supposed to be us together in West Side Story. “
“Well yea” responded Kurt “ but I thought maybe as Tony and Riff, or Tony and Bernardo, I never thought it would be..” and for a moment the bitterness in Kurt’s voice broke through his nonchalance.
But it an instant it was gone.
“Forget it. Oh Blaine, you’re so busy acting with Rachel and Santana it’s not as if we see each other all that much during rehearsals.”
But the point was that we would be together. Always. Our magical year.
How much resentment did Kurt actually have that the role he coveted was Blaine’s , a Junior? Kurt who had confessed to Blaine he need badly to pad his resume after the Dayton Doubletree debacle and was so looking forward to the role of Tony.
Yet Kurt offered nothing other than to say that he wasn’t quite feeling the role and neither were the Directors for him. It didn’t sound right to Blaine, but he was afraid to ask more.
Kurt had assured him he had to take the role, in fact he insisted and seemed happy for Blaine.
But now….
Now it was the day of their play’s debut and he looked down at his text message from Kurt:
Blaine, you’re wonderful. I’m so proud of my Tony. Break a leg Blaine Warbler. xxx
But Blaine wasn’t sure of the text . Was he really Kurt’s Tony? There was so much he had to talk to Kurt about as soon as the play was over.
*********************
Just before the curtain was going up Blaine’s heart was racing. This was it. Then he saw Kurt, who was standing backstage waiting for him.
“Kurt.. God I haven’t seen you for days..I missed you.”
“Blaine did you really think I wasn’t going to wish you luck in person and tell you that I’m so proud of you? “
Something was off, something In Kurt’s face and tone but Blaine couldn’t place it.
Suddenly Kurt, yes, Kurt, pulled Blaine towards him and kissed him in front of the backstage crew and the cast. Blaine flinched for a second with the unexpected gesture and then fell into the kiss. There were catcalls and whistle s from the New Direction kids.
“Whooaa Hummel. Wait until Blaine actually delivers on the performance.”
“He never kissed me like that, my unicorn was holding out on me”.
Blaine breathlessly looked up at Kurt…”Kurt this is so unexpected coming from you. “
His boyfriend looked at him and Blaine could swear there were tears in his eyes, “ You’re not alone, I’m with you every second of this performance Blaine. I’m with you and I’ve never been prouder of you. Goodbye.”
“Goodbye?”
“Uh..I mean later, break a leg!”
Amid the congratulations, and the beautiful arrangement from his parents who sent their regrets for not being able to attend, Blaine was on a high. Somehow it had all come together, the whole damn chaotic production. He thought that Santana and Mike stole the show with their interpretations of Anita and Biff, but Puck and the rest did a fantastic job. Rachel was Rachel, she was good. And his own playing of Tony, it felt comfortable, maybe this whole acting and singing was more then something he enjoyed , maybe it come be more in his life.
There was just one thing.
He glanced at the orchestra seating to the right of the stage during the opening overture and saw a beaming Kurt. But at some point the seat was empty. He couldn’t pinpoint when exactly but Kurt was gone, and he never came back.
Mr. Schuester hugged him, “Blaine, this is just the beginning, I’m eyeing you for a New Directions solo.”
Where was Kurt?
Rachel crushed him between the arrangements she was cradling like a child , “Blaine, it was kismet between us. We could be the next Alfred Lunt and Lynn Fontaine of the theatre.”
Shut up Bitch. Where was Kurt?
The shouts and hugs and high fives among the cast was intoxicating. They were a kick ass company and they all knew it. Puck was crying. He was so overcome with emotion over their triumph.
Where was Kurt?
Burt and Carole had congratulated him earlier and said they had a plane to catch because Carole’s aunt was ailing but they loved his role. “You did well Kiddo” was Burt’s greeting to Blaine. “Listen we gotta go but I haven’t seen that kid of mine, he’s gotta be here somewhere.”
Where was Kurt?
“Dude you rocked it as Tony. Hell, you even rocked it as Maria’s boyfriend even though you were just acting. I mean, I’m glad you’re gay, that your into boys because the way you were looking at Rachel if I didn’t know you were gay. I mean, not that there’s anything wrong if you were straight.
Maybe it was because he hung around the Hummel household way too much time but Blaine had no problem deciphering Finn’s scrambled congratulation.
“Thanks Finn. Where’s Kurt?”
“Your singing and dancing are amazing.”
“Finn, where’s Kurt?”
“He’s not here, dude?”
Yes, Blaine was around the Hummel household far more then was healthy. He even knew when Finn was being evasive, as opposed to just slightly dim. In the case of Finn, that is an art form that is not easily mastered to be able to tell the difference.
“Finn.”
“Yeah Blaine?”
“Where’s Kurt?”
“Well he’s not here.”
This was going nowhere very fast. He snatched Finn’s phone out of his hand .
“Hey dude, that’s not right.”
Blaine quickly scrolled to Finn’s text messages.
“I swear Finn, under pain of death and divulging your browser history to every football recruiting scout in Ohio you will not, I repeat, you will not tell Blaine I am in Dayton at the theatre.”
***********************
It was a long ride to Dayton and Blaine had time to think.
It had been a very sobering week in more ways than one, and what he had discovered had shook him to the core.
First was the heart to heart with Artie.
“Blaine, something has been bothering me for a long time. And I hope you don’t hold it against us.”
Blaine looked quizzically at Artie, who of all the New Directions kids seemed the most affable and non-confrontational. What could Blaine possibly hold against him?
Artie shifted in his wheel chair and avoided looking Blaine directly in the eyes.
“I never apologized to Kurt over the whole audition process. So are we good with him? I always thought his quitting the production was that he never forgave us, and it’s killing me.”
Blaine abhorred lying, he thought it was contemptible to deceive. It wasn’t honorable , noble or good. It wasn’t the Dalton way. But he knew instinctively that McKinley was different. It was a different jungle and he needed to lie this particular time. It was obvious that Kurt was keeping something from him, which might explain Kurt’s curious behavior the last few weeks.
“Artie, why the hell did you guys do what you did”. It was a bluff and Blaine hoped that it paid off.
“We didn’t know that Kurt was listening to our critique of his audition. I found out afterwards that he was outside the window, as the security cameras caught him crouched below the open window of the drama room. He heard everything. He heard Coach Beistie saying that Kurt didn’t excite her ‘lady parts.’ He heard me say that he couldn’t pass for masculine, he heard Emma talk about his toothpick arms…and in the second audition when we laughed at him..”
“You all laughed at him?”
“Well yes, when he tried to show us that he could play straight. Even Rachel laughed at him when he tried to kiss her.”
Rachel.
That cunt.
Blaine listened in mounting horror. It took all his will power not to storm out of the theatre right then and there and tell the directors of the production where they could shove their play. But the proper Dalton student stubbornly stopped him, ticket had been sold, a full house, and it was too late to back out.
But it got worse.
Santana eyed Blaine this afternoon between last rehearsals. He knew her well enough.
“So what is it Santana?”
“Are you good with Kurt, Hobbit?”
“Excuse me?”
“I’m a straight up bitch, but you know I don’t lie.”
Blaine couldn’t quite figure Santana out, she was hiding something about herself. Yet she seemed otherwise honest to a fault and he knew she wanted to tell him something. And he knew that it wasn’t malicious or ill intentioned because she had no romantic or mercenary interest in him.
“Spill it Aunt Tana.”
“Kurt has been seeing someone the last few weeks.”
“Kurt always sees someone.”
“He’s a gorgeous blond boy, probably in his early twenties. Here is the photo do you want to see?”
Blaine wanted to feign indifference but he couldn’t . He glanced at the text photo and his blood froze. Kurt was having coffee with a drop dead Brad Pitt look a-like . Brad Pitt before Angelina Jolie aged him with a passel of crying toddlers from a Benetton commercial.
“So Kurt is having coffee with a friend, big deal, Santana.”
Play it cool.
“Blaine, what is the friend’s name?”
Stay loose boy.
“What does it matter?”
Breeze it . Buzz it. Easy does it.
“Ouch, its’ worse than I thought, you don’t even know this boy existed.”
“IF I did or didn’t , what does a simple coffee date impact me or Kurt?. Really Santana, I want to give you the benefit of the doubt that you are not the bitch everyone says you are, but…”
Just play it cool, boy
Real cool
Santana touched Blaine’s hand and smiled wanly, “ Hey I didn’t mean to upset you, honestly.”
“I’m not, honest.” So why does my voice sound so raw and ragged?
Santana eyed him. “Here are the facts. Kurt has had about sixteen coffee dates with this boy over the last month. Sixteen. Are you going to tell me you didn’t know a damn thing about any of them. That Kurt didn’t mention him at all? So I’m asking you, “are you good with Kurt?”
“Your sources…”
“My sources are infallible.”
In a gentler tone , Santana continued. “Hobbit I have video, do you want to hear?”
Blaine blinked affirmatively but couldn’t talk.
Santana turned on the audio portion of the video..
“I really really am enjoying this”
“it’s my pleasure Kurt, you are really one of a kind”.
“I bet you say that to everyone you meet”
“No I don’t.”
“But tell me when are you going to tell your boyfriend about us?”
“I don’t want to. I don’t think he’d understand and I don’t want him to get upset”
“What is there to understand? It’s your choice not his. You’re free to do what you want Kurt, it’s your life.”
“I know but I don’t want to complicate things.”
“Then you shouldn’t be meeting me. You brought these complications into your life.”
**********************************
Oh yea, it was an eventful ride for Blaine to Dayton alone with his thoughts.
He was almost rude in getting out of the auditorium and telling everyone he wasn’t going to the after the play party.
He looked at the directions that were on his iphone of the Dalton Repertory Company Theatre.
Was this guy Kurt was seeing starring in some play that same day as Blaine’s debut?.
Kurt didn’t even stay for his whole fucking performance. He got up and just left.
Was it over, and if it was, why didn’t Kurt have the balls to tell him now?
************************
Blaine hated that everyone assumed he transferred only for Kurt. Yes, that was a big part of it, but it wasn’t the only reason and it had as much to do with Blaine’s own needs, even if he was a little ashamed of those needs. He wished it was for his romantic yearning for his boyfriend, but that wasn’t all it either.
When Kurt mentioned that he wanted to spend every day with Blaine, the feeling inside of Blaine’s heart could hardly be contained. The magic was Kurt wanting him that way. No one had ever felt that way about him. No one.
It had always been very difficult for Blaine to analyze things in his life because it never made him feel good about himself.
His parents loved him in their own way, he knew they did, but when Blaine was honest with himself they didn’t truly need him. They didn’t crave his presence. It was a bitter truth that Blaine didn’t like to dwell on, it stung too much. Boarding at Dalton emphasized that even more. The Anderson family had rallied to try to make Blaine’s transfer from public to private school as smooth as possible, perhaps too smooth. They never asked or requested he come home on weekends other than the expected holidays. They never asked him to come because they needed him to. And ironically hanging out with Kurt and his family just made it even worse for Blaine. The easy comfort and camaraderie between Kurt and Burt was almost painful to watch, as if it was a constant reminder what he didn’t have.
What was it about him that made his parents distance themselves from him?
It was so convenient and easy to say that it was because he came out. It certainly didn’t help matters with his Dad, but once again, the truth was more complicated. He and his father had never been close even before that. If anything his being gay was an inconvenience, a discomfort for his parents. It was yet another visible scar over a cut that had been there, a reminder that he was part of them yet somehow still apart.
So it had to be him.
No matter how hard he tried, this feeling of not being loved by them completely was always there.
It hung over his home like cloud , in every spoken conversation with his Dad. It hung over his mother’s awkward efforts to smooth other his father’s distance. The torn loyalties of his mother were worse, because as much as she loved him, he never felt she would make that choice if push came to shove. Blaine didn’t expect her to, but he felt in his heart it wasn’t ever going to be on option for her. That was hard to swallow.
So for Kurt to tell him that being with him very day would make his senior year magical…
Would Blaine ever get that in his life again? He hoped he would but how could he be sure? Would anyone love him like Kurt did?
Kurt who saw his flaws and weaknesses, Kurt who saw his utter humiliation in the Jeremiah debacle. Kurt who called him out in his “bi” issue, when all along Blaine knew that he wasn’t really attracted to Rachel, and had to blink when confronted with Rachel’s fashion choice. Kurt who never reminded him how badly Blaine’ s advice on Karofsky had turned out.
Oh God.
Looking back when he promised Kurt he had his back as they confronted Karofsky, the lump in his throat about that incident had never really subsided.
It was so sudden. Blaine trying to lecture Karofsky and the athlete pushing Blaine as if about to strike him and Blaine raising his hands in a gesture of peace and non resistance. And Kurt without thinking pushing Karofsky off of him.
When Kurt had pushed off Karofsky from Blaine that day that seemed like eons ago Blaine was amazed by the courage displayed by Kurt. Blaine’s own response wasn’t necessarily wrong, trying to defuse the situation by indicating to Karofsky that he wasn’t there to fight him. But in a way, he had been there to confront Karofsky, should he have been shocked that closeted bully reacted as he did to Blaine’s intervention? Why hadn’t he forseen that consequence?
Kurt didn’t think, didn’t try to defuse, he confronted and told Karofsky to stop. Someone who was so physically intimidating, someone who Kurt knew could harm him.
Blaine knew that was something Kurt had that he didn’t yet posses; The ability to confront knowing full the possibilities and the dangers in doing so and yet willing to do it.
And how did Blaine try to defuse his own feelings? By telling Kurt “why are you so upset?” At that moment Blaine couldn’t face up to his own failings of completely having misread Kurt’s bullying situation.
So he did what he best, try to compensate in other ways. Trying to be the best possible friend to Kurt, showing that he really did have Kurt’s back.
That was then.
It took a damn dead bird to hit Blaine with a two by four over Kurt and what Kurt was really was to him. Yet just as suddenly, Kurt transferred back to McKinley.
As much as he loved Dalton and the Warblers, as much as he loved the security of Dalton, he had run away. So Blaine transferred also. So now he was at a public school again and with Kurt.
Because he needed Kurt.
Because Kurt Hummel had a need for him. Both would have each other, neither would be alone.
Yet it was all falling apart because Kurt had pulled away from him. He didn’t need Blaine anymore.
All because of this God forsaken play.
Blaine cursed the day he got the role of Tony. He cursed West Side Story. It hadn’t brought him and Kurt closer, if anything it had driven them apart.
****************************
As he drove to the theatre and parked the car, he walked up to the box office. There was a poster of the play, “Spring Awakening”. Odd. He had seen it last year with Kurt in Columbus, and it wasn’t too hard to fudge a bit and not tell either set of parents what the play was really about. The title was so innocent, even if the musical was anything but.
The name on the poster gave him pause.
Allan Michaels in the role of Melchior.
It was a photo of Kurt.
As he purchased a ticket Blaine sat in the back row and watched the performance already in full flight.
It was amazing.
He had never seen Kurt like this before. Kurt as Melchior was the German student yearning to know what love and sex offered about life. Lusty, bawdy, horny, pensive Kurt was Melchior. Or was Melchior Kurt? The counter tenor’s voice somehow worked in the role , some songs were rearranged for him but it worked. His lust for the actress playing Wendla was palpable. Blaine had to remind himself, that is Kurt up there. That straight man is Kurt.
He wanted to cry, that was Kurt, his Kurt up there. Giving a performance to a full house that included apparently nobody Kurt knew.
He was alone. As far as Kurt knew he was alone.
Blaine knew what he had to do.
He walked out of the theatre and purchased an arrangement and bribed some stage hands so he could go back stage. It was amazing what a roll of bills could accomplish.
There was no way somebody wasn’t going to greet Kurt as soon as he walked off that stage , he wasn’t going to be alone. No matter what happened afterwards, Blaine was going to be there that evening.
After his second curtain call Kurt walked off the stage and nearly into Blaine’s arm.
The surprise was genuine and Blaine hugged Kurt tightly as he handed him the arrangement, “Congratulations, Kurt.”
Kurt looked shocked . For a second Blaine thought that Kurt was about to cry but he quickly composed himself.
“The flowers, they’re beautiful Blaine.”
“You were..you were fantastic.”
Kurt smiled, “you have to say that, you’re my boyfriend. But, what are you doing here?”
Blaine allowed himself to look hurt and wounded. “Where else should I be but supporting you in your triumphant stage debut? Were you really going to take that away from me, I don’t understand.”
Kurt looked down and he did look embarrassed. “It’s just that, it’s not about me. Tonight is your night.”
“Bullshit , Kurt,” snapped Blaine.
Kurt blinked in surprise because Blaine so rarely cursed.
“This is entirely about you. It’s about you giving a kick ass performance that I’m so proud of you and proud of being with you that I could burst. It’s about sharing everything. It’s about not telling me what you went through on the West Side Story Audition process. It’s about you daring to be selfish with me because you can be. It’s about trying to spare my feelings in order not to rain on my parade when you were going through hell all by yourself.”
Blaine, your voice is cracking.
“It’s about me not measuring up as the boyfriend who you need and who you want with you. It’s about you being alone tonight.“
And dammit, Blaine didn’t want to cry, he didn’t want his voice to crack, he didn’t want to make a scene because it wasn’t about him, but, well, yes, it was about him . The strain of not knowing what Kurt was going though was too much for Blaine.
He stood there trying to wipe away his tears.. and Kurt was holding him in his arms in one quick motion. And Kurt was wrapping him tightly, stroking his back and trying to calm Blaine’s trembling shoulders. And this wasn’t right, it wasn’t about Kurt consoling him.
“Blaine, honey, I’m sorry, I’m sorry.” Kurt brushed his lips against Blaine’s cheek, trying to dry his tears.
“Kurt promise me you’ll never do that to me again, promise me.”
“I promise you” whispered Kurt, “ I promise you.”
“Why Kurt, why did you shut me out? Do you resent me that much?”
Kurt sighed and his gaze gave Blaine some reassurance. His eyes were full of warmth and love.
“Blaine Warbler, you are the best thing that has ever happened to me and don’t ever forget that.”
Kurt bit his lip and looked a little nervous.
“I’m sure you know by now that my audition process wasn’t everything I hoped it would have been for the role of Tony. It’s painful to think about it even now but they laughed at me. Even Coach Beistie and Emma Pillsbury. I don’t think I’ll ever get over that completely.”
Even now the anger was rising in Blaine, “Kurt I would have told them to fuck their play and shove the role of Tony up their ass if I would have known..”
“I know Blaine, believe me I know.” Kurt smiled wryly.
“Which is precisely why I didn’t tell you. Because as bad as my audition was, yours was glorious. I was there. I don’t think I was ever as proud of another person as I was of you that afternoon. I wanted to burst out yelling, ‘That is my boyfriend. That wonderful person is mine, and only mine.’” And Kurt’s eyes were welling as he tried to stop from tearing up.
“So your triumph was mine. You would have been happy if I would have nailed the part of Tony and you would have supported me. How could do I any less? Your happiness for me wasn’t with a price attached, so neither should mine.”
AS they stood there together Blaine marveled at the strength of Kurt of holding all this in and controlling his reactions around Blaine. Blaine who was as giddy and excited as a school boy of getting the lead role of Tony while Kurt had been…
“Kurt can you believe I got the role of Tony!?”
“Pulease Blaine, you had it in the bag. My boyfriend was the only viable candidate.’
“But Kurt, you were going for the role. “
“Nonsense, Blaine. It’s their loss if they can’t envision my Tony. But that’s separate from my being so happy for you so let’s celebrate, Breadstix is on me. But first I have to warn you about working with Rachel..”
“They, they thought you were too gay, didn’t they?” Blaine ventured to ask.
“Well yes, they did.”
“I’m gay too, Kurt.”
“Well Blaine, I’m gay gay, you’re, well, Rock Hudson gay. You know?”
“Yes I know.”
“Though I would have preferred to be Montgomery Cliff gay.”
Both boys couldn’t help but start laughing at this last quip. As they laughed some of the tension lifted.
“Oh Blaine, sweetie, It’s so hard to explain. Yes, at first I struggled with the fact that even my friends would look at me that way, something that wasn’t going to happen to you. It never bothered me as much before, but once you were at McKinley..”
“The comparison got to you.”
“Exactly. And that’s not the same thing as blaming you or even being jealous of you.” Kurt was struggling to express himself.
“Wait, that’s not exactly true. I was jealous, but not of you. Never of you. I was jealous of the ease with which you pass that I can’t. It’s not that I want to change, but there will always be an effort and work for me that you won’t go through. I accept that, but it isn’t always that easy for me.
It’s like our duet to “Animals,” the Crawford girls saw you as sexy, they just did. No girls would see me that way, and as hard as that is to swallow, it just is. Not that I necessarily would want that, but the option wasn’t there for me.
I had been driving to Dayton for more NYADA mixers. Someone suggested looking at local theatre companies as a way to get more experience, and yes, pad my resume.
So the opportunity came up to try out for this community theatre group. They were mounting a production of “Spring Awakening”. So the thought came to me, actually it started as a mere lark, but then I couldn’t get it out of my head that I should try something different. If there were no pre conceptions about me, no Kurt Hummel Prom Queen, I could try to do something on my own with this theatre group. I could carve something that was still me, but without the baggage that even my friends had about my persona. Does that make any sense?”
Blaine nodded.
“So I tried out, and I was called back for a second try out. And Blaine, they asked me for the role of Georg as well as being the understudy for the role of Melchior.”
“Georg?” Blaine finally found his voice.
“Yes, Georg!”
Blaine chuckled, “I never thought you had a thing for busty piano teachers.”
Kurt smiled, “It felt good. I was being judged on my ability and it took a hell of an effort but it was working.
“Kurt, I’m a little confused, what was working?”
His boyfriend glanced down and a blush spread over his cheeks, and as adorable as he looked to Blaine, he knew that Kurt was hiding something he was embarrassed about.
“I didn’t lie but I also didn’t offer information or background on myself when I tried out. I gave my middle name “Allan” and I just presented myself as an ambitious actor. Not as Kurt Hummel, stylist extraordinaire.”
A thought started to wrap itself around Blaine’s head but it just seemed so implausible.
“Kurt, are you trying to tell me that you tried to ‘pass’?”
Kurt shrugged, “I thought of it more as an acting drill, lower my voice, modify my mannerisms, having a “method” acting class for hours at a time if you will.”
Blaine stood there incredulous.
“Did it work?”
Kurt laughed, “somewhat.”
“Somewhat?”
“Several of my fellow thespians took me aside and had heart to heart talks with me, trying to make me come to grips with my closeted homosexuality. With the best of intentions, naturally.”
“Your kidding.”
“Please” snorted Kurt, I still coordinated my scarfs with my outfits so I was still the straightest non straight actor this side of Jesse St. James. Nobody can be as fabulous as me and pass as Quarterback James Brady.”
“Tom Brady”
“Whatever, who by the way, married to Giselle I’m not convinced he’s entirely straight…”
“Let’s get back to your secret identity acting life.”
“My Victor/Victoria adventure just sucked me in. I never meant to sustain the deception as long as I did. Of course once I was rehearsing with them my façade crumbled, maybe it was the time they were dissing Patti Lupone and I threatened to scratch someone’s eyes out. “
“That might have done it.”
“Well, by the time I got the part you were fully immersed in the role of Tony and West Side Story and all your drama trying to make the role your own with Ms. Rachel Berry threatening to devour the scenery and your character. Do you honestly think I wanted to spring my role and my own complicated acting experiment in the middle of all that? Plus if I told you everything I would have to go through the horror and humiliation of my audition hell all over again. It was enough juggling schoolwork driving to Dayton on weekends and keeping all this from my boyfriend, who for once I thanked for his adorable obliviousness about things.”
Blaine pondered Kurt’s words. It fit in with why Kurt seemed distracted, almost disinterested in the whole West Side Story production and drama. And all the time Blaine thought it was resentment and jealousy.
“I admit it became too much. I had to eventually drop out of the role of Officer Krupke but I couldn’t say why.
Every day I meant to quit the theatre group but they accepted me and it was so easy to slip in with them as Allan Michaels. And the group was so much fun, they were all so dedicated. They were all about getting the job done, perfecting the craft, and working as a team. Don’t get me wrong, I love New Directions but sometimes it’s nice to have a break from all the drama and juvenile antics. “
When Blaine thought about Santana and Rachel going at it like two buzz saws over the “I feel pretty” numbers and who wore what color blouse and skirt and where their entrance was from…
“Our production’s schedule got scrambled, as did West Side Story’s. Before I knew it we had conflicting schedules and my debut was going to overlap with yours.
I honestly was going to skip my part to come to your opening debut , because really I had proven my point to myself. Which was enough for me. But when Gregory who had the lead got suddenly ill with Mono and they needed me to step into the role of Melchior…”
“No, naturally you couldn’t walk away..”
“Then with Dad and Carole going out of town and the big debut of West Side Story with the celebration of yours and Rachel’s eventual triumph I just couldn’t , I couldn’t then indirectly upstage your moment. Because it was your moment, deservedly so. You worked so so hard.
Mine seemed more like a point of pride for me, I don’t know, it just seemed selfish in comparison.
I was trying to prove something to myself, and then it just blossomed into something else. But it felt wonderful, almost as if I could step out from my world. Maybe it wasn’t quite being in New York, but it was outside of Lima, Ohio. It was an opportunity.”
“Which you took.”
“Yes, which I took.”
Kurt took Blaine’s hand. “It killed me to leave your debut as early as I did, but I really had to get away and go through a practice run. As the understudy I had to get my bearings and I didn’t want to distract you since I knew you were also a nervous wreck. “
“Part of my being a nervous wreck was the fear that I was losing you.”
“Blaine…”
It was now or never. He found it hard to get the words out of his throat.
“Kurt, you’ve been seeing someone haven’t you? They told me you were having dates with someone the last few weeks, people have seen you.”
“Is it about a tall gorgeous Blond boy?”
Blaine’s heart sank. “Yes, I hear he’s gorgeous.”
Kurt lifted Blaine’s chin so he could gaze at him. “Look at me, Blaine.” Blaine reluctantly looked up.
“The boy is my acting coach. Once Gregory was out of the production I knew I didn’t have a second to spare, I had no illusions I needed more help. And Gustav was worth every penny I paid him.
“Gustav?”
“I know. Personally I think it’s George, but Gustav the coach has a better ring to it.”
Blaine breathed and he felt he never had loved anyone as much as he did Kurt Hummel that moment. That was why he had to continue to engage. Something more had to be said.
“Kurt, there must be something about me that makes you think I have to be protected, from your feelings, from everything you’re going through. I felt that at Dalton, that wall you had constructed around yourself and I am so afraid it’s going to be easy for you to build those walls if something else comes along. Because something else is going to come around. I don’t know what. But there will always be something. There always is.
“Blaine, it’s just that I felt so humiliated. Why would you want to share that?”
“Because the crazy idea is to share everything, and I do mean everything, Kurt. Your fear of muting my joy in getting Tony, that joy was nothing to me when I felt you were withholding from me. That was the whole point of my transferring over to McKinley so that we could be together, every day. Did you honestly think I only expected that to be for the good times? I needed to transfer Kurt, because I need you in my life. If you shut me out, even because you think your protecting me, it hurts me worse. “
“It’s not easy for me to do that.”
“I know that, but next time, will you please give me the option if I want to tell McKinley High to fuck themselves if they mess with my man?”
“Yes.”
“Is that a promise?”
“Yes.”
“And Kurt, I am so going to let everybody know what I think of their audition process and it’s not going to be pretty, I promise you it will get very, very ugly.”
Kurt paused, “Will there be tears?”
“Oh yeah, and I assure you they won’t be my tears shed. Plus some serious ass chewing.”
“And Blaine…”
“Yes?”
Kurt’s eyes were tearing up.” I’m so glad you found out. I’m not inherently that noble or self sacrificing if you haven’t noticed.”
Blaine smiled, “I’ve noticed.”
He now wrapped his arms around Kurt and he promised himself he would never let go. Not in a way that mattered. He would be there for Kurt and Kurt would trust him so that his battles were their battles, and Kurt’s humiliation was theirs together, as well as his triumphs because that was the most wonderful and terrifying thing about being one.
Kurt sniffed. “I felt like crap that nobody was here to see me. I felt so alone. I wanted to be so noble but it sucks. It really really sucks. I thought I did I great job and I was already wallowing in so much self pity that I would make Rachel Berry look like Mother Teresa in comparison. So when I saw you waiting for me in the wings with the flowers..”
The next thing Kurt felt was Blaine’s lips brushing against his and being lost in his enveloping kiss.
“Kurt Hummel, you’ll never be alone again. I promise you that.”