Belonging 3b/? (Star Trek, McSpork, sequel to Acceptance)
Title: Belonging
Rating: T
Word Count: 11,457
Summary: Once found, belonging is the thing we will fight the most for.
Note: ANGST AHEAD!
Note2: STUPID CHRACTER LIMIT MADE ME CUT THE CHAP IN TWO!
The following weeks passed much the same, but it finally happened, Spock was late to the Bridge. He didn't have his mates there to wake him, so he awoke fifteen minutes later than usual, which had happened every day since his mates' absence, but Spock felt strange that morning. As soon as he woke, he felt his stomach roil. He took a moment to lay still, willing it to calm. But as he lay there he became aware of the fact that he no longer had the focus. It was gone. He hurriedly rose from the bed shakily, and stumbled to the bathroom, leaning against the frame for a moment before pushing away and collapsing next to the toilet.
The next few moments were spent reacquainting himself with his meal last night, and when he finally caught his breath enough to straighten he caught his reflection in the mirror.
He was pale, lank, his hair fell into his eyes, sticking up at odd angles and his eyes themselves were green rimmed and looked dead. He only had his sleep pants on and that gave him a moment to simply stare at that bump that housed two things that had been meant to be the best things for him and his mates, but had instead become something of a curse. He thought of all the things that his mates had told him how beautiful and noble he was. How could he be beautiful when he felt so ugly? How could he be noble when he felt so pitiful? How could he be a worthy mate when he couldn’t even control his reactions?
How could he survive this if he was all alone?
Spock turned his head away from his reflection, his mind in agony, his heart tearing itself in two, and finally he placed his forehead on the cool porcelain and began to weep.
While this was happening, Jim had recognized the fact that Spock was late. Jim had been debating running down to find where Spock was and begging for forgiveness, trying to see where he was, trying to go back to what had been, but a greater portion of his mind was sure that Spock would not want him back. That was what made him stand up and walk quietly over to Uhura and touch her shoulder to gain her attention.
"You remember how you said that if we hurt him that you would kill us?" Jim began quietly, Nyota's eyes widening before narrowing, "I surrender to your judgment, Lieutenant. Please, go find Spock, see what's wrong with him."
Nyota nodded, and stood upright, leaving the bridge and heading to Spock's quarters, her head held high and her steps brisk when she finally reached the right floor. She had the code, it had never changed, and Spock had never really believed in locking his door. His computer would always be triple locked, but his door?
Nyota Uhura moved briskly down the hall to Spock’s room and the door slid open as she got to it, her eyes peeled for any sign of where the Vulcan might be. That's when she heard it; soft, despairing and so pitiful it made her heart ache. She headed to the bathroom, her boot heels clicking on the tile floor as she sunk down next to the half Vulcan with his head resting on the toilet bowl, and placed her hand on his back, rubbing gently, her heart twisting as she looked over what he had become. "It'll be okay, Spock... It'll be okay."
The weeping didn't stop and she finally pulled him close, pressing his face to her shoulder, wrapping her arms around him as few could, and just whispered to him.
Spock's almost violent emotions slammed into her from where her bare arms were touching the skin of his back. She gasped, clutching him tighter. There was a pool of sorrow so deep she felt that she could drown in it, thin flames of anger licking at the corners of her mind, but the most prominent and worrying emotion was the self-hate. It made her heart twist in her chest and her throat clench as she started crying along with her elder brother. She smoothed one hand down his spine and let the other wander to his abdomen, focusing on any positive feeling she could.
Neither Spock nor Uhura came to shift that day, and Jim never reported it, quietly getting replacements. When Alpha shift had ended, instead of managing to get on the turbolift alone, Sulu and Chekov cornered him in there, and neither one of them looked pleased.
Sulu slammed his hand on the emergency stop button, eyes narrowed and angry. Chekov advanced on him, looking scary despite his small stature and age.
"Vhat did you do to ze Commander?!"
"McCoy too. What did you do, Captain?" Sulu spat out the last word as if it was something disgusting.
Jim ran his hands through his hair, pacing up and down the turbolift every feeling of rage and disgust and hate and despair that had filled him finally hit a peak. "You want to know what we did to him, huh?!" He snapped, whirling to face them, "We got him pregnant." At their shock, Jim nodded, grinning, "Yeah, that's right; Spock's pregnant, with twins if you can believe it, and then, after that happened we were fine, but then something changed, we actually started to think."
He gestured to himself rather wildly, "Do you really see me being able to care for children? Hell, when I was young, I couldn't even care for a turtle! Sure, I'm not nine anymore, but babies? I manage to kill at least two fully grown, strong male security guards every time we have a mission that takes us to a planet surface, and they expect me to be able to keep two children safe? What the fuck? And not just that, ooooh no, that's not even close to the worst thing about it." Jim laughed a little insanely and Chekov backed away.
"Bones implied that I would be a horrible parent. Yeah, horrible. Sure, I was raised by a stupid, abusive, incompetent asshole, but I'd never be horrible to any kid, let alone my own. Hell, we all know I'd make a bad parent, but isn't he supposed to try and support me? He's my bondmate, for fuck's sake! And oh wait, now that I think of it, that's not the worst thing!" He gave another laugh, this one bitter and loaded with self-loathing. He slid down the wall he was closest too, looking up at Sulu and Chekov.
"See, Bones doesn't want me anymore, that's clear. And if he, a man who's supposed to be my best friend, doesn't love me, doesn't want to be around me, how can I expect Spock to?" he said, voice thick with tears.
Chekov and Sulu sank to his level quietly, watching as Jim finally began to cry. "How can I do this? What do I do? Spock's pregnant, I'm going to be a father, and I can't stop it, and then I think of what I would have to do to stop it." Jim shook his head, "I can't do that to him, I can't do that to me, I can't do that to them. Spock has a bond with them, did you know? A mental link...something that he has with Bones and I. Something we've been holding shut."
"Vhy have you been holding it shut, Keptin?" Chekov asked, voice almost a whisper. He scooted closer to Jim, frown marring his young face.
"Because..." Jim said quietly, "It hurts too much to open it, and it's hard to protect him from me if I just want to run to him and protect him from himself."
"What do you mean?" Sulu asked, scooting closer also, sitting at Jim's other side. He really hoped no one from the maintenance team would think the turbolift was blocked or stuck.
"Spock's hurting; he's hurting so much that he's left the bond unblocked. Bones' agony mixes with Spock's and if I remove the block... I can't do it; I don't know what to do. I don't want to hurt him, I've never wanted to hurt him, but I find that I'm doing the exact same thing to him that everyone else has. And Bones...we're all so fucked up, guys... Something like this was bound to happen."
"You can't let zat control you, Keptin! If you don't vant to be away from zem, find zem and beg for forgiweness! You know zis is hurting zem too, so vhy hawen't you tried to stop it?" Chekov's brow furrowed.
"Pavel's right, Jim. And anyway, this isn't just hurting the three of you. You mentioned Spock having a mental link with the babies, which means this is bound to be hurting them too. Not to mention all of us, you know, your friends." Sulu said pointedly.
Jim took a breath, wiping his hands across his face, and thoughtful eyes slowly sliding shut as his head fell back onto the turbolift wall. He went through what was said, thought about Spock, thought about what it had felt like the first time he learned he was going to be a father, and then thought of Spock himself, then of Bones. His heart tugged for each of them, a piece of him calling out for parts of him that just weren't there anymore.
He took a deep breath and knocked down a small part of his block at a section of the link dedicated solely to Spock. The onslaught of emotion that met him knocked the breath clear from his lungs and made him sob. Spock was in so much pain, mental, emotional and physical, and it was all his fault. He quickly rebuilt that small hole in his block and collapsed back against the wall, eyes shut and chest heaving.
But that one taste was enough. He knew what he had to do now. He had to talk to Bones, he had to make up for what he had done, he had to go crawling back to Spock, and hope that he would be taken again…
He had to hope that Uhura wouldn't actually kill him.
He took a breath, and forced himself upright, tugging his shirt down and trying futilely to make it look like he hadn't been sobbing his eyes out in the stopped turbolift like a teenage girl.
Chekov and Sulu stood along with him, both silent as Chekov hit the emergency stop button once more. The turbolift started up again with a loud whoosh, speeding passed floor upon floor full of working crewmembers. It stopped at the floor housing the sickbay and Jim stepped out, stalking hurriedly down the hall.
As soon as Jim made it to the hall leading to the sickbay he forced himself to slow down, walking the rest of the way, mind turning through possibilities of what he could say, realizing slowly what an ass he had been, realizing how much he hated himself for that fact, but refused to look back on that any longer. This wasn't about him. This was about Spock.
With that in mind, Jim stepped over the threshold into Sickbay. Chapel saw his immediately and stalked over angrily, eyes narrowed and lips pulled into an almost-snarl.
"You're not hurt. What. are. you. doing. here?" she asked and Jim knew that if he wasn't her superior officer, each pause would've been accompanied by a slap in the face.
"Looking for Bones, is he around? I need to talk to him about something that I've put off long enough. I'm sorry for that fact Chapel; I'm trying to make it right... Please, where is he?"
She looked at him hard, straight in the eye, and Jim felt as if she was looking into not only his mind, but his heart and soul. She considered him for a moment before relaxing slightly, uncrossing her arms.
"Medical leave. He's in his quarters." Jim grinned at her and turned to leave, but she grabbed his shoulder tight, "Know this, Captain; if you ever, ever, hurt him or Mr. Spock again, I can and will hurt you. I have the medical knowledge to do it and be untraceable. Remember that."
"Why does everyone seem to think that I'm to blame?" Jim finally bit out, rubbing his hands through his hair, "Does everyone really think that I'm that much of a cheat?"
Chapel looked taken aback for a moment, and then her expression softened some, "I assumed you were to blame because he was mumbling your name while throwing things around his office. When he was crying his words were too hard to understand, but now I guess it wasn't just Spock's name he was mumbling through his tears… I forced medical leave on him a few hours ago. What happened between you three, Captain?"
"Children." With that he gave her a soft smile and a shrug and one last small, "thank you," before leaving. He had a doctor to talk to; he just hoped that he wasn't too late.
He ran to the nearest turbolift and wished he had a Captain's code to make it go even faster than it already did. It stopped and Jim knocked his shoulder against the still opening door as he rushed out. He made it to Bones' quarters in record time, entering the code to the door immediately when it didn't open on its own. It didn't work. Jim growled and entered his Captain's override code, practically stomping into the room.
McCoy looked up at him tiredly, blinking slightly in surprise at seeing who he was. "Jim... Didn't think you'd want to talk to me again."
"I didn't. Not really. You hurt me Bones, you tore me, and because of that you made me blind to two important things that I should have never missed," Jim said quietly but firmly, "Just how much my mates were hurting, and just how much it was my fault as theirs."
McCoy flinched, "Jim...what I said then...I didn't mean it, dammit... I didn't mean it, I was angry, and I..." He took a breath, "It doesn't matter anyway. Spock doesn't want us back."
Jim's world upended, "He doesn't? How do you know? Did you ask him? Did you talk to him?"
McCoy sighed, shaking his head, "Don't have to. He's cut us off from everything, won't even sleep in the room that we spent so much time in together, won't walk the halls."
"God Bones... I've had so much time to think about this that I've finally figured it out, so listen close. He won't do any of that because he thinks that we don't want him back. He's not cutting us off because he hates us...he's cutting us off because he thinks we hate him. We don't talk to him anymore, we don't sleep with him, and we barely even looked at him. I understand how difficult it is for you but...God..." Jim ran his hand over his face, looking at the ground. "I lied… I can't tell you how hard it is for you, only you really know that, but I can tell you how hard it is for me. I'm...I'm scared, Bones. I don't think I'm ready to be a father, and Spock notices. He can feel it. He hasn't been sleeping in his old room because he wants to; he's sleeping there because he thinks we want him to. Thinks that because he got pregnant he's somehow despicable to us."
Jim took a shaky breath, "Thinks that we don't want to be bonded to him anymore. But dammit Bones... He's been cutting me off, and I've been putting it off way too long. I'm going to talk to him. I'm going to apologize. I'm going to explain to him my reasoning and hope...beg for him to take me back. Because I can't stand the thought of not being with him, of hurting him like this any longer. It’s got to stop.
"That man is the carrier of our children, Bones...our children, and we're treating him like some second class thing, and I can't do it anymore. I won't blame him if he doesn't take me back. I don't know what you're going to do. But I hope you realize what you're doing and get your head out of your ass soon, because once he's gone, you're going to regret it more than anything you’ve ever done. I'll see you Bones... Hopefully tonight, in the same bed, where we belong." With that, Jim stood up, nodded to his mate, turned and left. McCoy sat there in silence for a moment, looking down at the drink on the table in front of him and finally put his head in his hands and wept.
Jim stood in front of Spock's door for a full five minutes before he forced himself to knock. The door was locked and that meant only one thing, Uhura was behind that door, as well as his mate. Sure enough, the person to open the door was an enraged looking Nyota, her eyes tearstained, mascara running down her face and hair frazzled. She was definitely not the sight that Jim needed to calm his nerves.
"You had better be here to grovel at his feet, Jim, or so help me, I am going to rip what started this whole mess off and make you eat it," Nyota growled, and Jim didn't have it in him to wince.
"I know, Nyota, and that's why I'm here. Where is he?"
"The bathroom. He's been throwing up most of the morning, now he's in the shower. You let him know you're coming in there. Let him decide if he wants to see you or not."
Jim moved in the room quietly, the temperature just as hot and dry as he remembered it to be. He walked over to the bathroom, and knocked gently, his ears could barely make out the sound of the water running, "Spock... Spock... I know you're in there... I... Can I come in, Spock? I have something to say to you and I...I need to do it face to face. Please Spock... I'll do it through the door if I have to, but I'd prefer it if I could actually see you."
He rested his forehead against the door, waiting for a response, Nyota's presence in the room with him a harsh reminder of why he was there. "Please, Spock..."
He heard a soft whimper and slowly began digging at the block he had placed between their bond. The agony and indecision of his mate made him collapse against the door, his eyes closing as he panted, trying to fight the stirrings of panic. "Spock..."
Jim's mind was brushed by his mates tentatively, Spock unable to help himself now that he was finally able to reach through the walls that had been built. Jim pressed his forehead to the door, please Spock he finally begged into the bond. A soft voice bid him to enter and he gave one last look to Uhura before pushing the door open. Spock was in the shower stall, his knees pressed close to his chest and his head ducked, the water splashing down on him. Jim's heart twisted when he realized his mate wasn't going to look at him...
"Spock... Babe...please, I've got something I need to tell you, something I need to explain. But first, I need to apologize," Jim said quietly. Spock flinched, holding his knees tighter. "No, truly... I need to apologize. I've been... God, Spock... I wouldn't blame you if you didn't want me back. I've been a horrible excuse for a mate, but above all, I've been a horrible excuse for a t'hy'la."
Spock's brown eyes snapped up to his blue at the mention of that word, and Jim sank to his knees, overwhelmed by the pain and despair that he saw there, the self-hate. "Spock, I have been... I can't even tell you how much I hate myself for what I've done to you. How much I want to scream and run and cry... But none of that is your fault. It's my fault for not explaining, for making you think that I... That I hated you for doing something that... Spock, you're carrying two lives in you. Two perfect little people and I can't tell you how proud I am of you. How much the thought of that made me want to hug you to me and never let go." Jim's voice trailed off.
"But then I realized something. Something that scared me so much I ran away. I will never make a good parent. I'm too damaged, I've...never had a decent role model, nothing to look up to, no guide for what a parent should be, and the thought of those kids... Spock, I'm so scared that I'll mess up, so scared that they'll hate me, so scared that I'll...hurt them, and I can't breathe at the thought that they could wind up like me."
Spock made a small protest, something like a cross between a sob and a whimper, uncurling just slightly, his hand stretching out to his mate, pressing his hand to the glass that separated them, "Jim...you would have never been alone."
The realization slowly sank in, and when it did, he sobbed, his mind on the weeks he had wasted. Spock pushed the door open slightly, uncurling just a little more, those brown eyes welling with their own tears. Jim couldn't take it, he pulled the door open and crawled into the shower, uncaring of the water that soaked him to the bone, and falling into the arms of his mate, the two of them clutching each other, sobbing their pain into each other’s chests, their fingers digging into cloth or skin, their arms tightening as the bond opened fully, and they fell into each other. When Jim finally gained control he noticed that his mate was shivering, and felt the aches that Spock was too tired to block from the bond. Jim sniffed and reached up, turning the water off and carefully helping his mate up. His very naked and very wet mate. His eyes drifted down to rest on Spock's belly, eyes taking in how big it had gotten since he had last seen it. "They're getting so big, Spock..." he whispered.
"I know..." the half teasing tone was surprising and Jim looked back into Spock's brown eyes and gave him a lopsided smile, "I'm sure you do, come on, let's get you dry." That said, Jim led his mate to the towels, taking one, and ignoring his own sopping wet state, wrapped Spock in it gently, rubbing the water off briskly, but carefully. Wrapping the towel that he had used to dry Spock off around his mates hips, he took another towel and used it to dry his silky black hair. Spock's gentle purring made Jim smile quietly, and he finally wrapped it around the pale shoulders. "Nyota's still out there. Little sisters should never see elder brothers naked. Come on..."
"Jim, you will trail water all over my floor..." Jim looked down at himself and then back up.
"I'm not making her think I just apologized to you to get in your pants." Jim answered simply with a shrug, pushing the door open. The sight of a towel covered Spock and a sopping wet Jim made Uhura nod her head and leave, shooting one last angry look at Jim as she did so. As far as she was concerned, Jim still had a long way to go.
Jim had managed to get Spock to move back into bed with him the second night. It had involved more begging and pleading and assurance of love that Jim had expected. The thought made him ache inside at the thought of how much they had hurt him for him to be so reluctant. Once he was back in their bed though, (a space left open out of habit) Jim was wrapped around his mate, trying to rub the knots out of his back.
Spock was full of knotted tension, and he was getting large, the combined stress was creating aches in places he hadn't been aware it was possible to ache. Jim was desperately trying to soothe them all, but he had never had Bones skill. McCoy was a doctor, and a good one, he had knowledge of pressure points and other tricks that could turn either of his mates to jelly in seconds if he wished. It was a useful skill to have.
As it was, Jim was compensating, trying to use the sound of his voice, his heartbeat as assurance. Trying to unwind his mate, but never feeling like he was getting anywhere. Tears of frustration and agony at the last few days had started to slip down his face, Spock was no better off, squirming slightly under the pressure Jim was exerting, none of the pain lessening, only seeming to increase.
Finally, Jim just collapsed over top of him, holding him tight, sobbing into his collarbone. They weren't meant to be two. They were always supposed to be three, only the third was missing.
Jim's hand wandered down to press over Spock's stomach, rubbing gently, tears still trickling down Spock's shoulder, whispering apologies in every breath. A warm hand cupped his face, tracing an ear, whispered words telling him that he had nothing to be sorry for.
He had come back...
A soft sound outside the door made them hesitate. They both looked up at the sound of the door swishing open, the figure standing in the hall instantly recognizable. Jim wiped at his tears, straightening slightly and squinting, McCoy stepped into the room, the door shutting behind him. His eyes were red, his face was worn, and his hair was stuck up. McCoy took a couple steps forward, eyes locked on the floor, not even daring to look up at them.
When he finally did, Leonard winced, and then noticed Jim's position, eyes trailing from that to the tense way that Spock was positioning himself to that swollen protrusion that housed two special somethings. He sank to his knees; eyes locked on that bump, and then slowly looked up, meeting two wide eyed chocolate brown ones.
"Spock..." his voice was a croak, his eyes beginning to leak again. "Spock...let me help. Please...just...let me help." Those three words broke the dam, tears sliding down faces, as Spock reached out to his mate who had come back, wrapping him in his arms and just sobbing into each other’s shoulders, McCoy's hands rubbing the kinks out with expert precision, raining small kisses over tears and lips and noses of the both of them, his belly always pressed to Spock's, his mind always open to their bond.
Just as it should be.
Chapter four
Rating: T
Word Count: 11,457
Summary: Once found, belonging is the thing we will fight the most for.
Note: ANGST AHEAD!
Note2: STUPID CHRACTER LIMIT MADE ME CUT THE CHAP IN TWO!
The following weeks passed much the same, but it finally happened, Spock was late to the Bridge. He didn't have his mates there to wake him, so he awoke fifteen minutes later than usual, which had happened every day since his mates' absence, but Spock felt strange that morning. As soon as he woke, he felt his stomach roil. He took a moment to lay still, willing it to calm. But as he lay there he became aware of the fact that he no longer had the focus. It was gone. He hurriedly rose from the bed shakily, and stumbled to the bathroom, leaning against the frame for a moment before pushing away and collapsing next to the toilet.
The next few moments were spent reacquainting himself with his meal last night, and when he finally caught his breath enough to straighten he caught his reflection in the mirror.
He was pale, lank, his hair fell into his eyes, sticking up at odd angles and his eyes themselves were green rimmed and looked dead. He only had his sleep pants on and that gave him a moment to simply stare at that bump that housed two things that had been meant to be the best things for him and his mates, but had instead become something of a curse. He thought of all the things that his mates had told him how beautiful and noble he was. How could he be beautiful when he felt so ugly? How could he be noble when he felt so pitiful? How could he be a worthy mate when he couldn’t even control his reactions?
How could he survive this if he was all alone?
Spock turned his head away from his reflection, his mind in agony, his heart tearing itself in two, and finally he placed his forehead on the cool porcelain and began to weep.
While this was happening, Jim had recognized the fact that Spock was late. Jim had been debating running down to find where Spock was and begging for forgiveness, trying to see where he was, trying to go back to what had been, but a greater portion of his mind was sure that Spock would not want him back. That was what made him stand up and walk quietly over to Uhura and touch her shoulder to gain her attention.
"You remember how you said that if we hurt him that you would kill us?" Jim began quietly, Nyota's eyes widening before narrowing, "I surrender to your judgment, Lieutenant. Please, go find Spock, see what's wrong with him."
Nyota nodded, and stood upright, leaving the bridge and heading to Spock's quarters, her head held high and her steps brisk when she finally reached the right floor. She had the code, it had never changed, and Spock had never really believed in locking his door. His computer would always be triple locked, but his door?
Nyota Uhura moved briskly down the hall to Spock’s room and the door slid open as she got to it, her eyes peeled for any sign of where the Vulcan might be. That's when she heard it; soft, despairing and so pitiful it made her heart ache. She headed to the bathroom, her boot heels clicking on the tile floor as she sunk down next to the half Vulcan with his head resting on the toilet bowl, and placed her hand on his back, rubbing gently, her heart twisting as she looked over what he had become. "It'll be okay, Spock... It'll be okay."
The weeping didn't stop and she finally pulled him close, pressing his face to her shoulder, wrapping her arms around him as few could, and just whispered to him.
Spock's almost violent emotions slammed into her from where her bare arms were touching the skin of his back. She gasped, clutching him tighter. There was a pool of sorrow so deep she felt that she could drown in it, thin flames of anger licking at the corners of her mind, but the most prominent and worrying emotion was the self-hate. It made her heart twist in her chest and her throat clench as she started crying along with her elder brother. She smoothed one hand down his spine and let the other wander to his abdomen, focusing on any positive feeling she could.
Neither Spock nor Uhura came to shift that day, and Jim never reported it, quietly getting replacements. When Alpha shift had ended, instead of managing to get on the turbolift alone, Sulu and Chekov cornered him in there, and neither one of them looked pleased.
Sulu slammed his hand on the emergency stop button, eyes narrowed and angry. Chekov advanced on him, looking scary despite his small stature and age.
"Vhat did you do to ze Commander?!"
"McCoy too. What did you do, Captain?" Sulu spat out the last word as if it was something disgusting.
Jim ran his hands through his hair, pacing up and down the turbolift every feeling of rage and disgust and hate and despair that had filled him finally hit a peak. "You want to know what we did to him, huh?!" He snapped, whirling to face them, "We got him pregnant." At their shock, Jim nodded, grinning, "Yeah, that's right; Spock's pregnant, with twins if you can believe it, and then, after that happened we were fine, but then something changed, we actually started to think."
He gestured to himself rather wildly, "Do you really see me being able to care for children? Hell, when I was young, I couldn't even care for a turtle! Sure, I'm not nine anymore, but babies? I manage to kill at least two fully grown, strong male security guards every time we have a mission that takes us to a planet surface, and they expect me to be able to keep two children safe? What the fuck? And not just that, ooooh no, that's not even close to the worst thing about it." Jim laughed a little insanely and Chekov backed away.
"Bones implied that I would be a horrible parent. Yeah, horrible. Sure, I was raised by a stupid, abusive, incompetent asshole, but I'd never be horrible to any kid, let alone my own. Hell, we all know I'd make a bad parent, but isn't he supposed to try and support me? He's my bondmate, for fuck's sake! And oh wait, now that I think of it, that's not the worst thing!" He gave another laugh, this one bitter and loaded with self-loathing. He slid down the wall he was closest too, looking up at Sulu and Chekov.
"See, Bones doesn't want me anymore, that's clear. And if he, a man who's supposed to be my best friend, doesn't love me, doesn't want to be around me, how can I expect Spock to?" he said, voice thick with tears.
Chekov and Sulu sank to his level quietly, watching as Jim finally began to cry. "How can I do this? What do I do? Spock's pregnant, I'm going to be a father, and I can't stop it, and then I think of what I would have to do to stop it." Jim shook his head, "I can't do that to him, I can't do that to me, I can't do that to them. Spock has a bond with them, did you know? A mental link...something that he has with Bones and I. Something we've been holding shut."
"Vhy have you been holding it shut, Keptin?" Chekov asked, voice almost a whisper. He scooted closer to Jim, frown marring his young face.
"Because..." Jim said quietly, "It hurts too much to open it, and it's hard to protect him from me if I just want to run to him and protect him from himself."
"What do you mean?" Sulu asked, scooting closer also, sitting at Jim's other side. He really hoped no one from the maintenance team would think the turbolift was blocked or stuck.
"Spock's hurting; he's hurting so much that he's left the bond unblocked. Bones' agony mixes with Spock's and if I remove the block... I can't do it; I don't know what to do. I don't want to hurt him, I've never wanted to hurt him, but I find that I'm doing the exact same thing to him that everyone else has. And Bones...we're all so fucked up, guys... Something like this was bound to happen."
"You can't let zat control you, Keptin! If you don't vant to be away from zem, find zem and beg for forgiweness! You know zis is hurting zem too, so vhy hawen't you tried to stop it?" Chekov's brow furrowed.
"Pavel's right, Jim. And anyway, this isn't just hurting the three of you. You mentioned Spock having a mental link with the babies, which means this is bound to be hurting them too. Not to mention all of us, you know, your friends." Sulu said pointedly.
Jim took a breath, wiping his hands across his face, and thoughtful eyes slowly sliding shut as his head fell back onto the turbolift wall. He went through what was said, thought about Spock, thought about what it had felt like the first time he learned he was going to be a father, and then thought of Spock himself, then of Bones. His heart tugged for each of them, a piece of him calling out for parts of him that just weren't there anymore.
He took a deep breath and knocked down a small part of his block at a section of the link dedicated solely to Spock. The onslaught of emotion that met him knocked the breath clear from his lungs and made him sob. Spock was in so much pain, mental, emotional and physical, and it was all his fault. He quickly rebuilt that small hole in his block and collapsed back against the wall, eyes shut and chest heaving.
But that one taste was enough. He knew what he had to do now. He had to talk to Bones, he had to make up for what he had done, he had to go crawling back to Spock, and hope that he would be taken again…
He had to hope that Uhura wouldn't actually kill him.
He took a breath, and forced himself upright, tugging his shirt down and trying futilely to make it look like he hadn't been sobbing his eyes out in the stopped turbolift like a teenage girl.
Chekov and Sulu stood along with him, both silent as Chekov hit the emergency stop button once more. The turbolift started up again with a loud whoosh, speeding passed floor upon floor full of working crewmembers. It stopped at the floor housing the sickbay and Jim stepped out, stalking hurriedly down the hall.
As soon as Jim made it to the hall leading to the sickbay he forced himself to slow down, walking the rest of the way, mind turning through possibilities of what he could say, realizing slowly what an ass he had been, realizing how much he hated himself for that fact, but refused to look back on that any longer. This wasn't about him. This was about Spock.
With that in mind, Jim stepped over the threshold into Sickbay. Chapel saw his immediately and stalked over angrily, eyes narrowed and lips pulled into an almost-snarl.
"You're not hurt. What. are. you. doing. here?" she asked and Jim knew that if he wasn't her superior officer, each pause would've been accompanied by a slap in the face.
"Looking for Bones, is he around? I need to talk to him about something that I've put off long enough. I'm sorry for that fact Chapel; I'm trying to make it right... Please, where is he?"
She looked at him hard, straight in the eye, and Jim felt as if she was looking into not only his mind, but his heart and soul. She considered him for a moment before relaxing slightly, uncrossing her arms.
"Medical leave. He's in his quarters." Jim grinned at her and turned to leave, but she grabbed his shoulder tight, "Know this, Captain; if you ever, ever, hurt him or Mr. Spock again, I can and will hurt you. I have the medical knowledge to do it and be untraceable. Remember that."
"Why does everyone seem to think that I'm to blame?" Jim finally bit out, rubbing his hands through his hair, "Does everyone really think that I'm that much of a cheat?"
Chapel looked taken aback for a moment, and then her expression softened some, "I assumed you were to blame because he was mumbling your name while throwing things around his office. When he was crying his words were too hard to understand, but now I guess it wasn't just Spock's name he was mumbling through his tears… I forced medical leave on him a few hours ago. What happened between you three, Captain?"
"Children." With that he gave her a soft smile and a shrug and one last small, "thank you," before leaving. He had a doctor to talk to; he just hoped that he wasn't too late.
He ran to the nearest turbolift and wished he had a Captain's code to make it go even faster than it already did. It stopped and Jim knocked his shoulder against the still opening door as he rushed out. He made it to Bones' quarters in record time, entering the code to the door immediately when it didn't open on its own. It didn't work. Jim growled and entered his Captain's override code, practically stomping into the room.
McCoy looked up at him tiredly, blinking slightly in surprise at seeing who he was. "Jim... Didn't think you'd want to talk to me again."
"I didn't. Not really. You hurt me Bones, you tore me, and because of that you made me blind to two important things that I should have never missed," Jim said quietly but firmly, "Just how much my mates were hurting, and just how much it was my fault as theirs."
McCoy flinched, "Jim...what I said then...I didn't mean it, dammit... I didn't mean it, I was angry, and I..." He took a breath, "It doesn't matter anyway. Spock doesn't want us back."
Jim's world upended, "He doesn't? How do you know? Did you ask him? Did you talk to him?"
McCoy sighed, shaking his head, "Don't have to. He's cut us off from everything, won't even sleep in the room that we spent so much time in together, won't walk the halls."
"God Bones... I've had so much time to think about this that I've finally figured it out, so listen close. He won't do any of that because he thinks that we don't want him back. He's not cutting us off because he hates us...he's cutting us off because he thinks we hate him. We don't talk to him anymore, we don't sleep with him, and we barely even looked at him. I understand how difficult it is for you but...God..." Jim ran his hand over his face, looking at the ground. "I lied… I can't tell you how hard it is for you, only you really know that, but I can tell you how hard it is for me. I'm...I'm scared, Bones. I don't think I'm ready to be a father, and Spock notices. He can feel it. He hasn't been sleeping in his old room because he wants to; he's sleeping there because he thinks we want him to. Thinks that because he got pregnant he's somehow despicable to us."
Jim took a shaky breath, "Thinks that we don't want to be bonded to him anymore. But dammit Bones... He's been cutting me off, and I've been putting it off way too long. I'm going to talk to him. I'm going to apologize. I'm going to explain to him my reasoning and hope...beg for him to take me back. Because I can't stand the thought of not being with him, of hurting him like this any longer. It’s got to stop.
"That man is the carrier of our children, Bones...our children, and we're treating him like some second class thing, and I can't do it anymore. I won't blame him if he doesn't take me back. I don't know what you're going to do. But I hope you realize what you're doing and get your head out of your ass soon, because once he's gone, you're going to regret it more than anything you’ve ever done. I'll see you Bones... Hopefully tonight, in the same bed, where we belong." With that, Jim stood up, nodded to his mate, turned and left. McCoy sat there in silence for a moment, looking down at the drink on the table in front of him and finally put his head in his hands and wept.
Jim stood in front of Spock's door for a full five minutes before he forced himself to knock. The door was locked and that meant only one thing, Uhura was behind that door, as well as his mate. Sure enough, the person to open the door was an enraged looking Nyota, her eyes tearstained, mascara running down her face and hair frazzled. She was definitely not the sight that Jim needed to calm his nerves.
"You had better be here to grovel at his feet, Jim, or so help me, I am going to rip what started this whole mess off and make you eat it," Nyota growled, and Jim didn't have it in him to wince.
"I know, Nyota, and that's why I'm here. Where is he?"
"The bathroom. He's been throwing up most of the morning, now he's in the shower. You let him know you're coming in there. Let him decide if he wants to see you or not."
Jim moved in the room quietly, the temperature just as hot and dry as he remembered it to be. He walked over to the bathroom, and knocked gently, his ears could barely make out the sound of the water running, "Spock... Spock... I know you're in there... I... Can I come in, Spock? I have something to say to you and I...I need to do it face to face. Please Spock... I'll do it through the door if I have to, but I'd prefer it if I could actually see you."
He rested his forehead against the door, waiting for a response, Nyota's presence in the room with him a harsh reminder of why he was there. "Please, Spock..."
He heard a soft whimper and slowly began digging at the block he had placed between their bond. The agony and indecision of his mate made him collapse against the door, his eyes closing as he panted, trying to fight the stirrings of panic. "Spock..."
Jim's mind was brushed by his mates tentatively, Spock unable to help himself now that he was finally able to reach through the walls that had been built. Jim pressed his forehead to the door, please Spock he finally begged into the bond. A soft voice bid him to enter and he gave one last look to Uhura before pushing the door open. Spock was in the shower stall, his knees pressed close to his chest and his head ducked, the water splashing down on him. Jim's heart twisted when he realized his mate wasn't going to look at him...
"Spock... Babe...please, I've got something I need to tell you, something I need to explain. But first, I need to apologize," Jim said quietly. Spock flinched, holding his knees tighter. "No, truly... I need to apologize. I've been... God, Spock... I wouldn't blame you if you didn't want me back. I've been a horrible excuse for a mate, but above all, I've been a horrible excuse for a t'hy'la."
Spock's brown eyes snapped up to his blue at the mention of that word, and Jim sank to his knees, overwhelmed by the pain and despair that he saw there, the self-hate. "Spock, I have been... I can't even tell you how much I hate myself for what I've done to you. How much I want to scream and run and cry... But none of that is your fault. It's my fault for not explaining, for making you think that I... That I hated you for doing something that... Spock, you're carrying two lives in you. Two perfect little people and I can't tell you how proud I am of you. How much the thought of that made me want to hug you to me and never let go." Jim's voice trailed off.
"But then I realized something. Something that scared me so much I ran away. I will never make a good parent. I'm too damaged, I've...never had a decent role model, nothing to look up to, no guide for what a parent should be, and the thought of those kids... Spock, I'm so scared that I'll mess up, so scared that they'll hate me, so scared that I'll...hurt them, and I can't breathe at the thought that they could wind up like me."
Spock made a small protest, something like a cross between a sob and a whimper, uncurling just slightly, his hand stretching out to his mate, pressing his hand to the glass that separated them, "Jim...you would have never been alone."
The realization slowly sank in, and when it did, he sobbed, his mind on the weeks he had wasted. Spock pushed the door open slightly, uncurling just a little more, those brown eyes welling with their own tears. Jim couldn't take it, he pulled the door open and crawled into the shower, uncaring of the water that soaked him to the bone, and falling into the arms of his mate, the two of them clutching each other, sobbing their pain into each other’s chests, their fingers digging into cloth or skin, their arms tightening as the bond opened fully, and they fell into each other. When Jim finally gained control he noticed that his mate was shivering, and felt the aches that Spock was too tired to block from the bond. Jim sniffed and reached up, turning the water off and carefully helping his mate up. His very naked and very wet mate. His eyes drifted down to rest on Spock's belly, eyes taking in how big it had gotten since he had last seen it. "They're getting so big, Spock..." he whispered.
"I know..." the half teasing tone was surprising and Jim looked back into Spock's brown eyes and gave him a lopsided smile, "I'm sure you do, come on, let's get you dry." That said, Jim led his mate to the towels, taking one, and ignoring his own sopping wet state, wrapped Spock in it gently, rubbing the water off briskly, but carefully. Wrapping the towel that he had used to dry Spock off around his mates hips, he took another towel and used it to dry his silky black hair. Spock's gentle purring made Jim smile quietly, and he finally wrapped it around the pale shoulders. "Nyota's still out there. Little sisters should never see elder brothers naked. Come on..."
"Jim, you will trail water all over my floor..." Jim looked down at himself and then back up.
"I'm not making her think I just apologized to you to get in your pants." Jim answered simply with a shrug, pushing the door open. The sight of a towel covered Spock and a sopping wet Jim made Uhura nod her head and leave, shooting one last angry look at Jim as she did so. As far as she was concerned, Jim still had a long way to go.
Jim had managed to get Spock to move back into bed with him the second night. It had involved more begging and pleading and assurance of love that Jim had expected. The thought made him ache inside at the thought of how much they had hurt him for him to be so reluctant. Once he was back in their bed though, (a space left open out of habit) Jim was wrapped around his mate, trying to rub the knots out of his back.
Spock was full of knotted tension, and he was getting large, the combined stress was creating aches in places he hadn't been aware it was possible to ache. Jim was desperately trying to soothe them all, but he had never had Bones skill. McCoy was a doctor, and a good one, he had knowledge of pressure points and other tricks that could turn either of his mates to jelly in seconds if he wished. It was a useful skill to have.
As it was, Jim was compensating, trying to use the sound of his voice, his heartbeat as assurance. Trying to unwind his mate, but never feeling like he was getting anywhere. Tears of frustration and agony at the last few days had started to slip down his face, Spock was no better off, squirming slightly under the pressure Jim was exerting, none of the pain lessening, only seeming to increase.
Finally, Jim just collapsed over top of him, holding him tight, sobbing into his collarbone. They weren't meant to be two. They were always supposed to be three, only the third was missing.
Jim's hand wandered down to press over Spock's stomach, rubbing gently, tears still trickling down Spock's shoulder, whispering apologies in every breath. A warm hand cupped his face, tracing an ear, whispered words telling him that he had nothing to be sorry for.
He had come back...
A soft sound outside the door made them hesitate. They both looked up at the sound of the door swishing open, the figure standing in the hall instantly recognizable. Jim wiped at his tears, straightening slightly and squinting, McCoy stepped into the room, the door shutting behind him. His eyes were red, his face was worn, and his hair was stuck up. McCoy took a couple steps forward, eyes locked on the floor, not even daring to look up at them.
When he finally did, Leonard winced, and then noticed Jim's position, eyes trailing from that to the tense way that Spock was positioning himself to that swollen protrusion that housed two special somethings. He sank to his knees; eyes locked on that bump, and then slowly looked up, meeting two wide eyed chocolate brown ones.
"Spock..." his voice was a croak, his eyes beginning to leak again. "Spock...let me help. Please...just...let me help." Those three words broke the dam, tears sliding down faces, as Spock reached out to his mate who had come back, wrapping him in his arms and just sobbing into each other’s shoulders, McCoy's hands rubbing the kinks out with expert precision, raining small kisses over tears and lips and noses of the both of them, his belly always pressed to Spock's, his mind always open to their bond.
Just as it should be.
Chapter four