fic: best thirty seconds of my life [new girl, pg-15]
best thirty seconds of my life
new girl
.pg-15 | jess/nick | 2k
spoilers/warnings: none.
summary: nick finds jess' coupon for weird, nerdy sex and tries to stop thinking about it.
n: for this holiday ficathon. prompt was: nick/jess + these gifs. title from lonely island's 'i just had sex'. unbeated.
BEST THIRTY SECONDS OF MY LIFE
He finds it crumpled in the corner under a few discarded pages from Z is Zombie and a sweater he's pretty sure he never bought. It's definitely less glittery than it was before and when he picks up the sweater to sniff it, because hey, it might not be his per say - where did it come from?! - but it looks clean and when he shakes it out, yep, there's the rest of the glitter. Still, he puts the sweater on and stares red construction paper. He should throw it away.
He will throw it away.
He picks it up to throw it away.
Then Winston calls - "NICK! MOVE IT. I am not missing the previews, and you know how I like to get the middle centre seats!" - and Nick rushes out of the room, brushing his hands over the front of the sweater again. More glitter falls off.
"Is that glitter on your sweater?"
"Shuddup and let's go see you're previews. You know they cut those things in a way that make no sense when you actually see the movie."
Winston pokes him. "You shut your mouth! They're the best part. Schmidt, aren't trailers the best part?"
Schmidt looks up from where he's BBMing and rolls his eyes, then narrows them on Nick. "Hey, is that my jumper?"
"Jumper?"
"It's British for sweater. I've been expanding my vocabulary."
"Jar," Nick mutters, looking down and frowning. He knew he didn't buy this. "I don't know, did you buy it?"
"Jess!" Winston is yelling. "Previews!!"
"Coming!"
Schmidt gets a look on his face and at once three voices ring out: "JAR!"
"I didn't even say anything!"
Jess hops into view, "You were thinking it!"
Schmidt grins, "Yes, yes, I was." And then drops a twenty into the jar. Winston herds them all, still muttering about his previews, and then at the elevator Jess pokes Nicks in the stomach.
"Why do you have glitter all over you?"
"And my jumper? Though… you can keep it, I can see it's been infected with the strains of your unfashionable self."
Nick sighs, once, twice. The first because of Schmidt, and then because of Jess and the fact she's looking at him, all blue eyes and pink smile, really wanting to know why he's got glitter all over him. It's not like he can tell her: Yeah, I found your coupon for Nerdy Sex because apparently I've been keeping it for a year.
"I dunno," he finally mumbles, hunching his shoulders and glaring at Winston. "I hate previews."
Winston waves him off, "You hate joy."
+
He kinda forgets it about after the movies.
And by kinda he means, he forgets about it. Except when he remembers about it. Which he does, every once in a while when stares at the corner of the room - now filled with more junk he's not sure he's bought. Where does it all come from! - he thinks it's still in.
He should look for it and throw it away. The thought comes every once in a while.
Then he closes his eyes and drops of for twelve hours. By the morning he's always forgotten what he was thinking about the night before.
A red corner of construction paper mocking him under a pile of laundry and books mocks him from the floor.
+
After finishing the first draft of Z is for Zombie, he's thinking of you know polishing it up and he know there are some pages somewhere… Maybe. Did Schmidt clean the room this week? (Has Schmidt seen It?) Riffling through the papers and is that a CD player? He didn't even he owned one still.
He finds it.
Not the pages for the book, but Jess' coupon, now even more crinkled than before; glitter all but gone. This time he picks it up. It's flimsy in his hand and he smirks at weird, nerd sex that works for both of us and then gets a flash of Jess dressed up as Princess Leia and he's Han Solo-wait, maybe he's Chewy (you have to love the hair)-no, he's Han. Han Solo is cool. He could be cool. And Jess is the white outfit, because he knows she'll never wear of feel comfortable in the metal bikini and that thing looks like it would hurt, and his hands are pushing the white material up her thigh-
Nope.
Time to come back from that place.
But… again, he doesn't throw the coupon away.
He stuffs it in his sock (and everything else in there) drawer.
+
"So Jess…"
"Yeah, Schmidt?"
"On a scale of one to ten, how hot were you for Chewy?"
Nick's head snaps up from the game on tv - the Bears are losing, his life is meaningless - valiantly trying not to look over his shoulder towards the kitchen,
Jess' voice rings out in a growl and then he can hear Schmidt's laughter as she smacks him on the shoulder. "I can't believe Cece told you that!"
"Hey, we all have urges, Jess. Nothing to be ashamed of, and while not my thing, I can't deny I've tasted the Furry lifestyle, but really, too much hair."
Nick frowns down at his chest, almost missing Jess' answer-not that he was listening for it. Who do you think he is?
"I am not a Furry, and I hate you, and I hate Cece."
"But not Chewy?"
He can almost imagines Jess' face twisting trying to come up with comeback.
"He looks soft and fluffy, okay! And my parents weren't letting me have a pet, and SO WHAT if I liked Chewy! He was awesome!"
Schmidt laughs, and Winston comes out his room, adding: "Lando was the bomb."
"Holla, playa-"
"Jar!"
"Jar Binks!"
"Double jar," Winston says. Nick looks over his shoulder as Schmidt grumbles pulling out a ten and stuffing into the jar. Winston is leaning on the kitchen island by Jess. "You know I would have pegged you for a Leia girl."
"I am! I wore my hair in buns until the unfortunate Blonde Ambition Incident of 1999. Though I never liked the metal bikini… it looked uncomfortable."
"Yeah, me too," Nick says.
Schmidt sighs, put out. "I don't even know why I'm friends with any of you."
Jess ignores and grins at Nick.
+
Of course now he can't help but think of all the possibly weird and nerdy sex.
Does that mean she'll dress up?
Does that mean he has to dress up?
Would she wear that ugly ass tweed jacket from Halloween? Because that was working for him.
She likes Lord of the Rings… and he should be imagining elves, right? Not hobbits?
She has that weird shot girl magician assistant's outfit… He's pretty sure Schmidt's got a top hat- NO, too far, Miller. Too Far.
He feels dirty now and like he should put a twenty in the jar. And he would if he had a twenty.
But the fantasies don't really stop, but they keep catching him off guard. Normally when he's restocking the bar, or in the shower. Once he was watching My Little Pony-he doesn't even want to examine that one.
+
The milk is two day from officially going bad, and he's drinking it straight out of the carton when he hears his name. "Look what I found!"
Jess calls him again and before he can swallow and answer she pops up from behind the fridge, waving a piece of red construction paper. Red construction paper. Let him repeat that for you: red construction paper. Red. Construction. Paper.
Her smile is too much and too bright to take.
He swallows, slowly, because you die from drinking milk, can't you?
She waves the paper in front of his nose again. He makes a slow show of putting the milk back in the fridge and closing the door.
"You kept it!"
Nick shakes his head. "No, I didn't."
She laughs and he wants to smack himself on the head because he obviously kept it. She's holding it in her hand.
"You did."
"Did not!
"Did too!"
"Not!"
"Too!" She jumps up a couple times and waves the paper around. "You want to have nerdy sex with me!" There's no glitter on it anymore, but Nick can almost imagine falling around her. Jess is a glitter type of girl. Nick… is not a glitter type of boy, but he's not opposed it… on principle… especially now that his mind is flashing him imagines of a naked Jess covered in glitter-and that's a new one.
Jess is still grinning, giving what she thinks is her sultry look - new flash it's not sultry at all, but it's kinda working for him anyway - all while still waving the homemade coupon around. And yeah, it's all working for him.
"No, I don't!" Nick grumbles out even as he's reaching out and pulling Jess to him, hands at her waist and neck. Her eyes go wide - wider - for a second before he covers her mouth with his. She squeaks for a second and then her hands are digging into his hair, pulling him closer. Her cotton dress is soft under his hands and he turns her to the fridge.
Her legs spread, letting him settle between them.
She's kissing back and oh god, what did he just do? What are they doing?
Pulling back, Nick shakes his head and coughs. Jess' eyes pop open. Her mouth is even pinker than normal, softly swollen, and the pink matches the flush of her cheeks and the roses on her skirt. He wants to put his hands under that skirt so badly now. Her hands drop from his hair to his shoulders.
"You do want to have weird, nerdy sex with me."
For some reason Nick wants to laugh. He shakes his head. "Later, okay?"
Jess nods.
He moves in again, slipping his hands over her waist and back and then down to her butt, skimming it, before he slides his hands under her skirt. Jess' eyes flutter, then they snap open again. "Wait, so what are we having now?"
Nick grins. "Kitchen sex."
Jess has a pretty sexy throaty chuckle. Who knew? Her fingers reach for his belt and he leans down to kiss her again.
"Don't lose that coupon."
"Mmmmhmmm."
+
Sometime later she's wrapped in a sheet - they made it to her room because she's seen his room, multiple time and knows that the zombie virus is probably growing there - and it's white and she has her hair up in buns.
He doesn't have anything resembling what Han Solo wears but hey… hairy. He's got that.
Jess flips the sheet back like it's a dress or a cape, whatever, and stalks towards the bed, a dramatic frown in place. "It has to be the last time, Chewy, what would Han say?!"
Nick rolls his eyes.
Jess drops out of character. "Nick!"
"Fine!" Sitting up, he lifts up his hands and does his best Wookie impression. "Warrgghhh warrrgnghhh."
Jess' face works like she's trying not to laugh and only last for about a second before she giggles and climbs on his lap, the sheet pooling around their legs ridiculously. "Oh, Chewy!" she says in her breathy, sexy voice.
Nick drops back to the bed, "Please stop."
She crawls over him, her hair drooping from the buns. "What this weird, nerdy sex not working enough for you, Miller?" Her smirk and the laughter in her eyes should be as hot as it is. It doesn't hurt the sheet is falling from her shoulders, giving him an excellent view.
Pushing his hands through the white folds of the sheet he moves a lot of material around before he finally reaches the soft skin covering her rib cage. Her eyes flutter.
"I don't think you're committing to it," he mummers, moving the sheet of her shoulders.
Jess moves over his lap, grinning. "Short notice! And you didn't want to raid Schmidt's costume section."
"Never say those words again," Nick says, flipping them over. The sheet tangles around their legs and it takes then about three minutes to untangle themselves and then Jess' legs are back around his thighs and somehow they're on the floor, her mouth at his neck, her hands fumbling back for the box of condoms in her nightstand giggling as he's moving down, half-heartedly complaining about how his breath is tickling her belly and distracting her.
So round one of Nerdy, Weird Sex was kind of a bust, but he's definitely not throwing that coupon away now. He's thinking of having it laminated and asking Jess how she feels about being the Nerdy Professor to his College Dropout. He's had dreams about her in those glasses and tweed for a while now.
new girl
.pg-15 | jess/nick | 2k
spoilers/warnings: none.
summary: nick finds jess' coupon for weird, nerdy sex and tries to stop thinking about it.
n: for this holiday ficathon. prompt was: nick/jess + these gifs. title from lonely island's 'i just had sex'. unbeated.
BEST THIRTY SECONDS OF MY LIFE
He finds it crumpled in the corner under a few discarded pages from Z is Zombie and a sweater he's pretty sure he never bought. It's definitely less glittery than it was before and when he picks up the sweater to sniff it, because hey, it might not be his per say - where did it come from?! - but it looks clean and when he shakes it out, yep, there's the rest of the glitter. Still, he puts the sweater on and stares red construction paper. He should throw it away.
He will throw it away.
He picks it up to throw it away.
Then Winston calls - "NICK! MOVE IT. I am not missing the previews, and you know how I like to get the middle centre seats!" - and Nick rushes out of the room, brushing his hands over the front of the sweater again. More glitter falls off.
"Is that glitter on your sweater?"
"Shuddup and let's go see you're previews. You know they cut those things in a way that make no sense when you actually see the movie."
Winston pokes him. "You shut your mouth! They're the best part. Schmidt, aren't trailers the best part?"
Schmidt looks up from where he's BBMing and rolls his eyes, then narrows them on Nick. "Hey, is that my jumper?"
"Jumper?"
"It's British for sweater. I've been expanding my vocabulary."
"Jar," Nick mutters, looking down and frowning. He knew he didn't buy this. "I don't know, did you buy it?"
"Jess!" Winston is yelling. "Previews!!"
"Coming!"
Schmidt gets a look on his face and at once three voices ring out: "JAR!"
"I didn't even say anything!"
Jess hops into view, "You were thinking it!"
Schmidt grins, "Yes, yes, I was." And then drops a twenty into the jar. Winston herds them all, still muttering about his previews, and then at the elevator Jess pokes Nicks in the stomach.
"Why do you have glitter all over you?"
"And my jumper? Though… you can keep it, I can see it's been infected with the strains of your unfashionable self."
Nick sighs, once, twice. The first because of Schmidt, and then because of Jess and the fact she's looking at him, all blue eyes and pink smile, really wanting to know why he's got glitter all over him. It's not like he can tell her: Yeah, I found your coupon for Nerdy Sex because apparently I've been keeping it for a year.
"I dunno," he finally mumbles, hunching his shoulders and glaring at Winston. "I hate previews."
Winston waves him off, "You hate joy."
+
He kinda forgets it about after the movies.
And by kinda he means, he forgets about it. Except when he remembers about it. Which he does, every once in a while when stares at the corner of the room - now filled with more junk he's not sure he's bought. Where does it all come from! - he thinks it's still in.
He should look for it and throw it away. The thought comes every once in a while.
Then he closes his eyes and drops of for twelve hours. By the morning he's always forgotten what he was thinking about the night before.
A red corner of construction paper mocking him under a pile of laundry and books mocks him from the floor.
+
After finishing the first draft of Z is for Zombie, he's thinking of you know polishing it up and he know there are some pages somewhere… Maybe. Did Schmidt clean the room this week? (Has Schmidt seen It?) Riffling through the papers and is that a CD player? He didn't even he owned one still.
He finds it.
Not the pages for the book, but Jess' coupon, now even more crinkled than before; glitter all but gone. This time he picks it up. It's flimsy in his hand and he smirks at weird, nerd sex that works for both of us and then gets a flash of Jess dressed up as Princess Leia and he's Han Solo-wait, maybe he's Chewy (you have to love the hair)-no, he's Han. Han Solo is cool. He could be cool. And Jess is the white outfit, because he knows she'll never wear of feel comfortable in the metal bikini and that thing looks like it would hurt, and his hands are pushing the white material up her thigh-
Nope.
Time to come back from that place.
But… again, he doesn't throw the coupon away.
He stuffs it in his sock (and everything else in there) drawer.
+
"So Jess…"
"Yeah, Schmidt?"
"On a scale of one to ten, how hot were you for Chewy?"
Nick's head snaps up from the game on tv - the Bears are losing, his life is meaningless - valiantly trying not to look over his shoulder towards the kitchen,
Jess' voice rings out in a growl and then he can hear Schmidt's laughter as she smacks him on the shoulder. "I can't believe Cece told you that!"
"Hey, we all have urges, Jess. Nothing to be ashamed of, and while not my thing, I can't deny I've tasted the Furry lifestyle, but really, too much hair."
Nick frowns down at his chest, almost missing Jess' answer-not that he was listening for it. Who do you think he is?
"I am not a Furry, and I hate you, and I hate Cece."
"But not Chewy?"
He can almost imagines Jess' face twisting trying to come up with comeback.
"He looks soft and fluffy, okay! And my parents weren't letting me have a pet, and SO WHAT if I liked Chewy! He was awesome!"
Schmidt laughs, and Winston comes out his room, adding: "Lando was the bomb."
"Holla, playa-"
"Jar!"
"Jar Binks!"
"Double jar," Winston says. Nick looks over his shoulder as Schmidt grumbles pulling out a ten and stuffing into the jar. Winston is leaning on the kitchen island by Jess. "You know I would have pegged you for a Leia girl."
"I am! I wore my hair in buns until the unfortunate Blonde Ambition Incident of 1999. Though I never liked the metal bikini… it looked uncomfortable."
"Yeah, me too," Nick says.
Schmidt sighs, put out. "I don't even know why I'm friends with any of you."
Jess ignores and grins at Nick.
+
Of course now he can't help but think of all the possibly weird and nerdy sex.
Does that mean she'll dress up?
Does that mean he has to dress up?
Would she wear that ugly ass tweed jacket from Halloween? Because that was working for him.
She likes Lord of the Rings… and he should be imagining elves, right? Not hobbits?
She has that weird shot girl magician assistant's outfit… He's pretty sure Schmidt's got a top hat- NO, too far, Miller. Too Far.
He feels dirty now and like he should put a twenty in the jar. And he would if he had a twenty.
But the fantasies don't really stop, but they keep catching him off guard. Normally when he's restocking the bar, or in the shower. Once he was watching My Little Pony-he doesn't even want to examine that one.
+
The milk is two day from officially going bad, and he's drinking it straight out of the carton when he hears his name. "Look what I found!"
Jess calls him again and before he can swallow and answer she pops up from behind the fridge, waving a piece of red construction paper. Red construction paper. Let him repeat that for you: red construction paper. Red. Construction. Paper.
Her smile is too much and too bright to take.
He swallows, slowly, because you die from drinking milk, can't you?
She waves the paper in front of his nose again. He makes a slow show of putting the milk back in the fridge and closing the door.
"You kept it!"
Nick shakes his head. "No, I didn't."
She laughs and he wants to smack himself on the head because he obviously kept it. She's holding it in her hand.
"You did."
"Did not!
"Did too!"
"Not!"
"Too!" She jumps up a couple times and waves the paper around. "You want to have nerdy sex with me!" There's no glitter on it anymore, but Nick can almost imagine falling around her. Jess is a glitter type of girl. Nick… is not a glitter type of boy, but he's not opposed it… on principle… especially now that his mind is flashing him imagines of a naked Jess covered in glitter-and that's a new one.
Jess is still grinning, giving what she thinks is her sultry look - new flash it's not sultry at all, but it's kinda working for him anyway - all while still waving the homemade coupon around. And yeah, it's all working for him.
"No, I don't!" Nick grumbles out even as he's reaching out and pulling Jess to him, hands at her waist and neck. Her eyes go wide - wider - for a second before he covers her mouth with his. She squeaks for a second and then her hands are digging into his hair, pulling him closer. Her cotton dress is soft under his hands and he turns her to the fridge.
Her legs spread, letting him settle between them.
She's kissing back and oh god, what did he just do? What are they doing?
Pulling back, Nick shakes his head and coughs. Jess' eyes pop open. Her mouth is even pinker than normal, softly swollen, and the pink matches the flush of her cheeks and the roses on her skirt. He wants to put his hands under that skirt so badly now. Her hands drop from his hair to his shoulders.
"You do want to have weird, nerdy sex with me."
For some reason Nick wants to laugh. He shakes his head. "Later, okay?"
Jess nods.
He moves in again, slipping his hands over her waist and back and then down to her butt, skimming it, before he slides his hands under her skirt. Jess' eyes flutter, then they snap open again. "Wait, so what are we having now?"
Nick grins. "Kitchen sex."
Jess has a pretty sexy throaty chuckle. Who knew? Her fingers reach for his belt and he leans down to kiss her again.
"Don't lose that coupon."
"Mmmmhmmm."
+
Sometime later she's wrapped in a sheet - they made it to her room because she's seen his room, multiple time and knows that the zombie virus is probably growing there - and it's white and she has her hair up in buns.
He doesn't have anything resembling what Han Solo wears but hey… hairy. He's got that.
Jess flips the sheet back like it's a dress or a cape, whatever, and stalks towards the bed, a dramatic frown in place. "It has to be the last time, Chewy, what would Han say?!"
Nick rolls his eyes.
Jess drops out of character. "Nick!"
"Fine!" Sitting up, he lifts up his hands and does his best Wookie impression. "Warrgghhh warrrgnghhh."
Jess' face works like she's trying not to laugh and only last for about a second before she giggles and climbs on his lap, the sheet pooling around their legs ridiculously. "Oh, Chewy!" she says in her breathy, sexy voice.
Nick drops back to the bed, "Please stop."
She crawls over him, her hair drooping from the buns. "What this weird, nerdy sex not working enough for you, Miller?" Her smirk and the laughter in her eyes should be as hot as it is. It doesn't hurt the sheet is falling from her shoulders, giving him an excellent view.
Pushing his hands through the white folds of the sheet he moves a lot of material around before he finally reaches the soft skin covering her rib cage. Her eyes flutter.
"I don't think you're committing to it," he mummers, moving the sheet of her shoulders.
Jess moves over his lap, grinning. "Short notice! And you didn't want to raid Schmidt's costume section."
"Never say those words again," Nick says, flipping them over. The sheet tangles around their legs and it takes then about three minutes to untangle themselves and then Jess' legs are back around his thighs and somehow they're on the floor, her mouth at his neck, her hands fumbling back for the box of condoms in her nightstand giggling as he's moving down, half-heartedly complaining about how his breath is tickling her belly and distracting her.
So round one of Nerdy, Weird Sex was kind of a bust, but he's definitely not throwing that coupon away now. He's thinking of having it laminated and asking Jess how she feels about being the Nerdy Professor to his College Dropout. He's had dreams about her in those glasses and tweed for a while now.