It's twelve o' clock and I need your attention
"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others" - Marianne Williamson
i left my speakers and ipod on in the watch room, and when i come in the cab is singing about stopping the clock together, knowing that the timing was right. i hear a loud noise from outside and open the gate, trying not to get too envious of the orange vespa that zips past me. soon, when i get finances right and when i genuinely feel like its right. soon. halim comes in and we talk, making a point of how nice he is to accompany me. i smirk and dont say anything, but i dont mind. i was going to work on that 70s show (how awesome is it that i have 7 whole seasons to go thru) but instead i rewatch a couple of episodes of glee because it felt right. we talk about how ridiculous and wonderful it is. he makes me explain all the storylines and characters, thankfully i like this show enough to remember.
i go up to the locker room to find packets of coffee and chips scattered across the floor. andhika says its a reward, for all of us winning just now. most of its gone because i came up late, but i see a reserved packet just for me. i dont immediately take it, who does that, but instead light a stick and take a few puffs - my breaths a mix of nicotine and relief. a man u game is on, and i suddenly remember of my probable internship, and tell myself if i want to survive there i should at least know some things. not that im clueless, but putting in more effort wouldnt hurt. i listen to the knowledgable banter, both from the indonesian commentators and the guys in the room. all while slowly untying the coffee, delicately untying the knot. nazmin taught me a trick to untying these wrapped packets, which were almost impossible to undo before. i give appreciative nod and take a sip - it tastes hot and amazing. the way people take in all these opinions is interesting, the way they turn it around in their heads, unwrapping and analysing what they hear before dishing out a response. there's so much passion and belief involved, it almost seems like an art. its half time and theyre making all these comments and analysing every kick and pass to death. i sneak an occasional snigger and sometimes even laugh out loud at what i hear, its pretty funny. the weird ass indonesian ads dont help at all, who makes these things? two girls are fooling around with what appears to be sausage shaped candies, for a good 10 seconds. tasteful, i guess. i dont even have to say it, everyone screams with laughter. you can tell, everyone was glad to win today. i cant remember the last time i got rewarded for something. lots of my friends and cousins get new games and phones and things for results and achievements, but my brother and i stopped getting them when my parents left. it felt strange and yet familiar, getting something for achieving. but you know what i think. i think we didnt really need those gifts, this feeling in the locker room right now, this, this is rewarding enough. at least for me.
me and lek walk to the kolam to feed his fishes. theyre nowhere to be found. he's been away for 11 days and no one's been feeding them, and theyre all gone. but no he says, scattering the red pellets and knocking on the metal. theyre there, just wait. the wind's really nice, and the banyan night sky is, as always, perfect. lek's got a look full of confidence and certainty, you cannot help but believe that his fishes are there. and sure enough they swim up and peck at the pellets, as if in disbelief that there is food. the wind makes funny shapes in the water. he asks me when i ord, and what do i make of these past 2 years. i smile, thinking about all the triumps ive had, all the quiet victories i keep to myself and feel a warm blooming inside. i tell him about some of them, relaying expressive anecdotes about as many things as i can remember. and he agrees. i think i did okay. i didnt get to experience as many things as so many other people, didnt get to do as many things or see as many things but really, i think i did pretty okay.
i left my speakers and ipod on in the watch room, and when i come in the cab is singing about stopping the clock together, knowing that the timing was right. i hear a loud noise from outside and open the gate, trying not to get too envious of the orange vespa that zips past me. soon, when i get finances right and when i genuinely feel like its right. soon. halim comes in and we talk, making a point of how nice he is to accompany me. i smirk and dont say anything, but i dont mind. i was going to work on that 70s show (how awesome is it that i have 7 whole seasons to go thru) but instead i rewatch a couple of episodes of glee because it felt right. we talk about how ridiculous and wonderful it is. he makes me explain all the storylines and characters, thankfully i like this show enough to remember.
i go up to the locker room to find packets of coffee and chips scattered across the floor. andhika says its a reward, for all of us winning just now. most of its gone because i came up late, but i see a reserved packet just for me. i dont immediately take it, who does that, but instead light a stick and take a few puffs - my breaths a mix of nicotine and relief. a man u game is on, and i suddenly remember of my probable internship, and tell myself if i want to survive there i should at least know some things. not that im clueless, but putting in more effort wouldnt hurt. i listen to the knowledgable banter, both from the indonesian commentators and the guys in the room. all while slowly untying the coffee, delicately untying the knot. nazmin taught me a trick to untying these wrapped packets, which were almost impossible to undo before. i give appreciative nod and take a sip - it tastes hot and amazing. the way people take in all these opinions is interesting, the way they turn it around in their heads, unwrapping and analysing what they hear before dishing out a response. there's so much passion and belief involved, it almost seems like an art. its half time and theyre making all these comments and analysing every kick and pass to death. i sneak an occasional snigger and sometimes even laugh out loud at what i hear, its pretty funny. the weird ass indonesian ads dont help at all, who makes these things? two girls are fooling around with what appears to be sausage shaped candies, for a good 10 seconds. tasteful, i guess. i dont even have to say it, everyone screams with laughter. you can tell, everyone was glad to win today. i cant remember the last time i got rewarded for something. lots of my friends and cousins get new games and phones and things for results and achievements, but my brother and i stopped getting them when my parents left. it felt strange and yet familiar, getting something for achieving. but you know what i think. i think we didnt really need those gifts, this feeling in the locker room right now, this, this is rewarding enough. at least for me.
me and lek walk to the kolam to feed his fishes. theyre nowhere to be found. he's been away for 11 days and no one's been feeding them, and theyre all gone. but no he says, scattering the red pellets and knocking on the metal. theyre there, just wait. the wind's really nice, and the banyan night sky is, as always, perfect. lek's got a look full of confidence and certainty, you cannot help but believe that his fishes are there. and sure enough they swim up and peck at the pellets, as if in disbelief that there is food. the wind makes funny shapes in the water. he asks me when i ord, and what do i make of these past 2 years. i smile, thinking about all the triumps ive had, all the quiet victories i keep to myself and feel a warm blooming inside. i tell him about some of them, relaying expressive anecdotes about as many things as i can remember. and he agrees. i think i did okay. i didnt get to experience as many things as so many other people, didnt get to do as many things or see as many things but really, i think i did pretty okay.