Maybe I'll need you, and maybe, baby, I won't
Title: Maybe I'll need you, and maybe, baby, I won't
Pairing: Jaesu, slight slight mention of one-sided Yunjae(?) and Yoosu(?)
Rating: Pg-13
Word Count: 1,936
a/n: Hmm this is something very very personal. Was really wondering whether I should post this. After much deliberation, finally had the courage to do so. Thanks to omoxiya for being such a darling. <3 Comments are really much appreciated. (:
He didn’t know when it started. It just happened on a day, when he realizes he can’t take his eyes off him and stop thinking about him. Maybe it’s the way Junsu plays soccer. The way he whizzes and zigzags his way through the defenders, the way he dribbles, the way he kicks, the way he throws his arms up in triumph when he scores, the way he hugs him when he wins, or maybe it’s just the way he smiles when he plays the sport. He knows Junsu loves soccer. So he joins in the game, just so he has the excuse to look at him without anyone suspecting. And he too, grew to like the sport.
They are stark opposites, whether in terms of looks or character. Junsu is the typical boy-next-door, sporty, friendly and boyish-looking. As for him, well, he’s known for his cold and stoic exterior when he doesn’t smile, and his feminine features have caused several misunderstandings. He thinks Junsu’s like the sun, bright and easy to read; while he’s the moon, reflecting light from the sun to give off his own mysterious radiance. In other words, without the sun, the moon is just a useless piece of rock.
The only thing they have in common is their love and talent in singing. One would sing and the other would listen and point out the errors: key, pitch, tone, volume etc then swapping places and do the same thing. Jaejoong is proud of that. Not many can be on par with Junsu when it comes to singing, not especially when Junsu sings like that. He dare not say he sings better than Junsu, they have different singing styles anyway. Still, he will keep on improving and not let Junsu outshine him. He’s willing to let Junsu beat him in anything, anything but singing. It’s the only thing he can be proud of, the only thing that makes him feel less inferior towards the sunshine.
They’re in different classes; so there isn’t much opportunity for them to interact except during breaks, where they’ll rush off to meet on the field and play soccer. Hence Jaejoong looks forward to days when they have to stay back for their choir practices after school, simply because they get to go home together after these practices. It’s not an agreement or anything; they just happen to live near each other and it’s always good to have company on the way home. And almost always, Junsu would walk him home, seeing him to the door. It’s not an agreement or anything; Jaejoong only mentioned once to walk him to the door- just for that day- and Junsu obliged, ever since.
There came a day when Junsu saw Jaejoong’s wrist. The red and white lines angered him. He questioned, and Jaejoong refused to answer. How could he, when part of the reason was because of the man in front of him. Junsu grabbed his bag and emptied the contents, eyebrows knitted into a frown. He didn’t find any razor or blades, he didn’t expect to find one anyway, he knows Jaejoong would not be so conspicuous. And he stopped in his rummaging, turned around and approached Jaejoong. He grabbed the wrist and pried open the fingers curled into a fist. Jaejoong bit his lip and clenched his fist tighter. He didn’t really want Junsu to unlock anymore secrets within him. Or maybe he did, else he would have fought a little bit harder against Junsu. Junsu held the object between his fingers, rubbing the rough edges against them.
“Give it back.”
Junsu ignored him. He closed his fingers around the broken piece of glass, pressing it close to his palm, icy anger boring into Jaejoong’s emotional defense.
“Is this fun?”
Jaejoong winced, at the sight of the red fluid seeping through Junsu’s fingers.
“Stop.”
“Would you?”
“No.”
Next thing he knows, he’s in Junsu’s embrace.
“I don’t know why are you hurting yourself this way but please, stop. It hurts, it hurts me to see you like this. You don’t have to tell me what happened but don’t, don’t suffer alone. If you’re sad, tell me. I- I’ll do anything. Just, let me do something.”
Silence was the only answer Jaejoong could give as he held onto Junsu. His concern is scalding. Yet he’s addicted to this warmth, like a moth attracted to a flame.
“Junsu.”
“Hmm?”
“Sing for me.”
Since then, Jaejoong stopped cutting himself.
He doesn’t know his place in Junsu’s heart. Is he just a friend, or a good friend? He knows he can’t be Junsu’s best friend, his best friend is HyukJae, and he knows he’ll never be able to achieve that kind of status with Junsu, not with HyukJae around. Jaejoong doesn’t know how he sees Junsu either, as a friend, a good friend, or something more? He only knows for certain, that Junsu is important to him. But lately, it seems as if this importance is escalating. When he sees Junsu going home with someone else, he feels a burning sensation in his chest, a want to pull Junsu away and tell him to go home with you instead. Yet he’s afraid, afraid of showing this jealous and ugly side of him. He’s afraid to let Junsu or other people know how important he is to him. He is afraid, afraid to come clean with the possibility that he’s in love with this person. He knows Junsu would find it disgusting. Junsu’s never been a fan of homosexuality. So in contrast, he pretends to be nonchalant. He does not want to risk jeopardizing this relationship between them. He’ll tame this green-eyed monster within him. Junsu’s more important.
“Yeah I like Junsu.” Jaejoong knew it. He could tell from the way Yoochun looked at Junsu, the way he responded to his actions. It was so obvious it’s a wonder Junsu couldn’t tell. Jaejoong knew, he knew it, yet Yoochun’s confession still managed to hit him like a truckload of bricks. Maybe it’s Yoochun’s honesty that shocked him, maybe he’s jealous of Yoochun’s frankness even when Jaejoong is Junsu’s ‘close’ friend, or so the others presume. Jaejoong is not jealous, no he’s not. He knows that there are many more people out there having crushes on Junsu and even if Yoochun is Junsu’s friend, he won’t stand a chance. Yoochun’s not exactly very close to Junsu anyway. They are just, choir mates who have worked together for 3 years. That’s it.
“I knew it.” That’s the first thing Jaejoong said. And then they talked, about how Yoochun started liking Junsu, how charming Junsu is and how this feeling is slowly tearing Yoochun apart. Jaejoong listens, and smiles bitterly. Then he shares. He shares with Yoochun how he’s feeling the same way too, that he is having romantic attractions toward a friend of the same gender and how coming clean with it would mean destroying the friendship. Jaejoong shares the similar emotions he’s feeling, but he doesn’t mention any names. No, no one must know it’s Junsu.
Jaejoong knew Yunho through Junsu, who knew each other since the age of ten. Yunho was sweet and caring like Junsu, yet his affectionate nature was something Junsu lacked, or rather, rarely displayed in front of him. Jaejoong was attracted to Yunho, to the security he provided. It was amazing how quickly they bonded within a short span of two months. Like Junsu, Yunho walks him home, whenever Junsu is unable to. Jaejoong knows, Yunho’s special, to him. And he got confused. He thinks, he might have started liking Yunho too.
“I like you.” Yunho confessed, over the phone. Silence was their conversation for the next five minutes. Jaejoong didn’t anticipate it, though many others told him it’s blindly obvious. And so, he asked,
“Why?”
“I don’t know.”
“Oh. I- I’ll give you an answer. Not now. Bye.”
He thought and pondered, and wondered if he should accept Yunho’s love. He looked through his pictures, still deciding. He made his decision when he came across one single picture. It was a picture of him and Junsu. The difference in his smiles when he’s with Yunho and when he’s with Junsu was apparent. And he knew his answer.
Yunho and he are still friends. Just that Yunho doesn’t hug him tightly like before, doesn’t piggyback him like before and doesn’t hold his hand like before. Junsu knows. He knows about all these. Jaejoong told him. He doesn’t know why he told him. It’s not like it concerned him. Or maybe it does. Maybe, Jaejoong was hoping he could sense a hint of jealousy from Junsu if he knows. Maybe, maybe, he’s thinking too much and being stupidly hopeful.
It was the end of the choir’s annual event, where they prepare a year’s work for 2 glorious hours of performance. It was the seniors’ last participation in the event, which means they would have to step down from the club not long after. Now he won’t have the excuse to go home with Junsu and his chance of seeing Junsu around has also been greatly reduced. It’s as if every single link between him and Junsu is slowly diminishing. Coupled with the thought of leaving the club which he grew to love so much, Jaejoong couldn’t help but cry when the curtain closed. He couldn’t stop even when he heard Junsu coming towards him, standing in front of him. A hand rested behind his head and Jaejoong could feel a force pushing him forwards, towards Junsu’s shoulder. It was too sudden and so he acted without thinking. He reclined. He thinks he’s stupid, really stupid, to pull back from Junsu’s rare act of affection and intimacy. Jaejoong was just too caught up with his emotions then. Now, he’ll give anything, anything to turn back time. He’ll give in, allow Junsu to guide him and drown himself in his warmth. But he knows it would never happen, it didn’t happen, and it would not, again.
After graduation, they went their separate ways, enrolling in different colleges, pursuing different dreams. They hardly talk now, due to their individual busy schedules. Yet Jaejoong knows, knows that Yoochun and Junsu are becoming closer, their friendship deepening. And it’s all because Yoochun confessed, partially. Yoochun told Junsu how important he is to him and doesn’t elaborate further. How did Jaejoong know? Yoochun told him, of course. He’s Yoochun’s consultant when it comes to Junsu. He’s angry with himself, for his stupidity, and he’s jealous. He doesn’t like how close they are now, especially since his own relationship with Junsu is quickly thinning. Yet he can’t do anything about it. He tried, yes he did, he tried calling Junsu up. But every time, every single fucking time, Junsu’s busy. Jaejoong’s tired of trying. And so, he doesn’t call him anymore.
One year, five months and two days had passed. Jaejoong can’t help but miss the days spent with Junsu. It’s inevitable, he supposes but what he didn’t expect was the dwindling intensity of heartache over the loss of Junsu’s company. And then he wonders, did time change his love for Junsu, or did he not love Junsu in the first place? Maybe, maybe it was just an infatuation, just a phase he had to go through. Maybe, all the confusion jealousy hurt he felt, were not because of Junsu, but because he wanted himself to feel that way. Jaejoong’s unsure; all he knows is, he wants to walk down the path to his home with Junsu, in the familiar comfortable silence he aches for,
once more.
Pairing: Jaesu, slight slight mention of one-sided Yunjae(?) and Yoosu(?)
Rating: Pg-13
Word Count: 1,936
a/n: Hmm this is something very very personal. Was really wondering whether I should post this. After much deliberation, finally had the courage to do so. Thanks to omoxiya for being such a darling. <3 Comments are really much appreciated. (:
He didn’t know when it started. It just happened on a day, when he realizes he can’t take his eyes off him and stop thinking about him. Maybe it’s the way Junsu plays soccer. The way he whizzes and zigzags his way through the defenders, the way he dribbles, the way he kicks, the way he throws his arms up in triumph when he scores, the way he hugs him when he wins, or maybe it’s just the way he smiles when he plays the sport. He knows Junsu loves soccer. So he joins in the game, just so he has the excuse to look at him without anyone suspecting. And he too, grew to like the sport.
They are stark opposites, whether in terms of looks or character. Junsu is the typical boy-next-door, sporty, friendly and boyish-looking. As for him, well, he’s known for his cold and stoic exterior when he doesn’t smile, and his feminine features have caused several misunderstandings. He thinks Junsu’s like the sun, bright and easy to read; while he’s the moon, reflecting light from the sun to give off his own mysterious radiance. In other words, without the sun, the moon is just a useless piece of rock.
The only thing they have in common is their love and talent in singing. One would sing and the other would listen and point out the errors: key, pitch, tone, volume etc then swapping places and do the same thing. Jaejoong is proud of that. Not many can be on par with Junsu when it comes to singing, not especially when Junsu sings like that. He dare not say he sings better than Junsu, they have different singing styles anyway. Still, he will keep on improving and not let Junsu outshine him. He’s willing to let Junsu beat him in anything, anything but singing. It’s the only thing he can be proud of, the only thing that makes him feel less inferior towards the sunshine.
They’re in different classes; so there isn’t much opportunity for them to interact except during breaks, where they’ll rush off to meet on the field and play soccer. Hence Jaejoong looks forward to days when they have to stay back for their choir practices after school, simply because they get to go home together after these practices. It’s not an agreement or anything; they just happen to live near each other and it’s always good to have company on the way home. And almost always, Junsu would walk him home, seeing him to the door. It’s not an agreement or anything; Jaejoong only mentioned once to walk him to the door- just for that day- and Junsu obliged, ever since.
There came a day when Junsu saw Jaejoong’s wrist. The red and white lines angered him. He questioned, and Jaejoong refused to answer. How could he, when part of the reason was because of the man in front of him. Junsu grabbed his bag and emptied the contents, eyebrows knitted into a frown. He didn’t find any razor or blades, he didn’t expect to find one anyway, he knows Jaejoong would not be so conspicuous. And he stopped in his rummaging, turned around and approached Jaejoong. He grabbed the wrist and pried open the fingers curled into a fist. Jaejoong bit his lip and clenched his fist tighter. He didn’t really want Junsu to unlock anymore secrets within him. Or maybe he did, else he would have fought a little bit harder against Junsu. Junsu held the object between his fingers, rubbing the rough edges against them.
“Give it back.”
Junsu ignored him. He closed his fingers around the broken piece of glass, pressing it close to his palm, icy anger boring into Jaejoong’s emotional defense.
“Is this fun?”
Jaejoong winced, at the sight of the red fluid seeping through Junsu’s fingers.
“Stop.”
“Would you?”
“No.”
Next thing he knows, he’s in Junsu’s embrace.
“I don’t know why are you hurting yourself this way but please, stop. It hurts, it hurts me to see you like this. You don’t have to tell me what happened but don’t, don’t suffer alone. If you’re sad, tell me. I- I’ll do anything. Just, let me do something.”
Silence was the only answer Jaejoong could give as he held onto Junsu. His concern is scalding. Yet he’s addicted to this warmth, like a moth attracted to a flame.
“Junsu.”
“Hmm?”
“Sing for me.”
Since then, Jaejoong stopped cutting himself.
He doesn’t know his place in Junsu’s heart. Is he just a friend, or a good friend? He knows he can’t be Junsu’s best friend, his best friend is HyukJae, and he knows he’ll never be able to achieve that kind of status with Junsu, not with HyukJae around. Jaejoong doesn’t know how he sees Junsu either, as a friend, a good friend, or something more? He only knows for certain, that Junsu is important to him. But lately, it seems as if this importance is escalating. When he sees Junsu going home with someone else, he feels a burning sensation in his chest, a want to pull Junsu away and tell him to go home with you instead. Yet he’s afraid, afraid of showing this jealous and ugly side of him. He’s afraid to let Junsu or other people know how important he is to him. He is afraid, afraid to come clean with the possibility that he’s in love with this person. He knows Junsu would find it disgusting. Junsu’s never been a fan of homosexuality. So in contrast, he pretends to be nonchalant. He does not want to risk jeopardizing this relationship between them. He’ll tame this green-eyed monster within him. Junsu’s more important.
“Yeah I like Junsu.” Jaejoong knew it. He could tell from the way Yoochun looked at Junsu, the way he responded to his actions. It was so obvious it’s a wonder Junsu couldn’t tell. Jaejoong knew, he knew it, yet Yoochun’s confession still managed to hit him like a truckload of bricks. Maybe it’s Yoochun’s honesty that shocked him, maybe he’s jealous of Yoochun’s frankness even when Jaejoong is Junsu’s ‘close’ friend, or so the others presume. Jaejoong is not jealous, no he’s not. He knows that there are many more people out there having crushes on Junsu and even if Yoochun is Junsu’s friend, he won’t stand a chance. Yoochun’s not exactly very close to Junsu anyway. They are just, choir mates who have worked together for 3 years. That’s it.
“I knew it.” That’s the first thing Jaejoong said. And then they talked, about how Yoochun started liking Junsu, how charming Junsu is and how this feeling is slowly tearing Yoochun apart. Jaejoong listens, and smiles bitterly. Then he shares. He shares with Yoochun how he’s feeling the same way too, that he is having romantic attractions toward a friend of the same gender and how coming clean with it would mean destroying the friendship. Jaejoong shares the similar emotions he’s feeling, but he doesn’t mention any names. No, no one must know it’s Junsu.
Jaejoong knew Yunho through Junsu, who knew each other since the age of ten. Yunho was sweet and caring like Junsu, yet his affectionate nature was something Junsu lacked, or rather, rarely displayed in front of him. Jaejoong was attracted to Yunho, to the security he provided. It was amazing how quickly they bonded within a short span of two months. Like Junsu, Yunho walks him home, whenever Junsu is unable to. Jaejoong knows, Yunho’s special, to him. And he got confused. He thinks, he might have started liking Yunho too.
“I like you.” Yunho confessed, over the phone. Silence was their conversation for the next five minutes. Jaejoong didn’t anticipate it, though many others told him it’s blindly obvious. And so, he asked,
“Why?”
“I don’t know.”
“Oh. I- I’ll give you an answer. Not now. Bye.”
He thought and pondered, and wondered if he should accept Yunho’s love. He looked through his pictures, still deciding. He made his decision when he came across one single picture. It was a picture of him and Junsu. The difference in his smiles when he’s with Yunho and when he’s with Junsu was apparent. And he knew his answer.
Yunho and he are still friends. Just that Yunho doesn’t hug him tightly like before, doesn’t piggyback him like before and doesn’t hold his hand like before. Junsu knows. He knows about all these. Jaejoong told him. He doesn’t know why he told him. It’s not like it concerned him. Or maybe it does. Maybe, Jaejoong was hoping he could sense a hint of jealousy from Junsu if he knows. Maybe, maybe, he’s thinking too much and being stupidly hopeful.
It was the end of the choir’s annual event, where they prepare a year’s work for 2 glorious hours of performance. It was the seniors’ last participation in the event, which means they would have to step down from the club not long after. Now he won’t have the excuse to go home with Junsu and his chance of seeing Junsu around has also been greatly reduced. It’s as if every single link between him and Junsu is slowly diminishing. Coupled with the thought of leaving the club which he grew to love so much, Jaejoong couldn’t help but cry when the curtain closed. He couldn’t stop even when he heard Junsu coming towards him, standing in front of him. A hand rested behind his head and Jaejoong could feel a force pushing him forwards, towards Junsu’s shoulder. It was too sudden and so he acted without thinking. He reclined. He thinks he’s stupid, really stupid, to pull back from Junsu’s rare act of affection and intimacy. Jaejoong was just too caught up with his emotions then. Now, he’ll give anything, anything to turn back time. He’ll give in, allow Junsu to guide him and drown himself in his warmth. But he knows it would never happen, it didn’t happen, and it would not, again.
After graduation, they went their separate ways, enrolling in different colleges, pursuing different dreams. They hardly talk now, due to their individual busy schedules. Yet Jaejoong knows, knows that Yoochun and Junsu are becoming closer, their friendship deepening. And it’s all because Yoochun confessed, partially. Yoochun told Junsu how important he is to him and doesn’t elaborate further. How did Jaejoong know? Yoochun told him, of course. He’s Yoochun’s consultant when it comes to Junsu. He’s angry with himself, for his stupidity, and he’s jealous. He doesn’t like how close they are now, especially since his own relationship with Junsu is quickly thinning. Yet he can’t do anything about it. He tried, yes he did, he tried calling Junsu up. But every time, every single fucking time, Junsu’s busy. Jaejoong’s tired of trying. And so, he doesn’t call him anymore.
One year, five months and two days had passed. Jaejoong can’t help but miss the days spent with Junsu. It’s inevitable, he supposes but what he didn’t expect was the dwindling intensity of heartache over the loss of Junsu’s company. And then he wonders, did time change his love for Junsu, or did he not love Junsu in the first place? Maybe, maybe it was just an infatuation, just a phase he had to go through. Maybe, all the confusion jealousy hurt he felt, were not because of Junsu, but because he wanted himself to feel that way. Jaejoong’s unsure; all he knows is, he wants to walk down the path to his home with Junsu, in the familiar comfortable silence he aches for,
once more.