x - I Finally Got An LJ
Ok, I feel like someone just ripped out my heart and threw it against a wall.
Maybe I’m overreacting.
Ok, maybe a little background info first.
Rhys (15yrs old) , I met him through my 2 Sydney friends Emily (15) and Holly (14).
He went to primary school with Holly and even though he had a gf, him and Emily liked eachother. Holly nicknamed him “Emily’s Half Boyfriend”.
Well, even though I had never seen a photo of him (or met him for that matter) I started talking to him. He was really sweet to me. Then we spoke on the phone a couple of times for about 3 hours straight.
Yeah, I liked him, and he said he liked me.
Holly told me how Rhys was as she called him a “flatterer”. He would tell anyone and everyone that he loved them.
Oh well, maybe a swinger.
But I thought he was different to me.
I mean, we once spoke about what we’d do if we met eachother, and that was kinda M-rated.
He said really sweet things to me, like “you would make a good girlfriend, I wouldn’t mind having you” and “when I meet you, I’m going to give you the warmest most hugged hug in the world”.
Sweet, huh?
Bear in mind that all this went on during the time he had a girlfriend Aimee
Well, he broke up with Aimee, and was all excited
“Evie, I’m single now!!”.
Well, soon after, he hooked up with Emily.
Great.
And neither Holly nor Emily knew I liked Rhys.
So, I told Holly. Maybe I shouldn’t have, but oh well.
Me and Rhys used to email eachother everyday, each message sort of gave me a high.
To give you an idea, here’s two emails from him.
Hello dearest Eve,
I thank you so much for everything you have done for me so far, I am appreciating it very so much, well this is a very big promise from me to you when you do meet me I am going to give you the most biggest most warmest most hugged hug ever known to hug in this universe. Why you say to yourself, because I love you. Your a very nice sweet person and I never ever want you to leave I want you to stay and if you leave then how can I still love you and share my problems I would go insane and I absolutly love talking to you and listening to what you have to say because I am willing to help you n everyway possible I just dont want you to elave me please. Anyway what happened to our promise "Ok, I will make a promise to ya. I wont leave if you dont leave me" and you never break a promise remember:P. Your extremely sweet, extremely nice, extremely caring, and I you are extremely BEAUTIFUL and dont say you are not because you are and I am not lieing and dont worry to me you are wanted. And dont worry ur not a teenybopper lol:P. I love it when you ring its like I can say anything to you and you wont get mad I just love talking to you.
And dont worry i bet you would be an absolute great girlfriend I wouldnt mind you being my girlfriend actually it would be nice ;)
well best be off stay safe and all the rest
love u lots
from rhys
My Dearest Eve,
Once again I am so fucking sorry for the fucking trouble I have caused I really do feel very guilty I am dreadfully sorry. I definately dont take drugs ANYMORE I HATE THE SHIT NOW!!!!!!!!!! And no I do not smoke no more. And I deifnately trust you you are the only person who I can actually truly trust, I trust my girlfriend and all that jazz but not all the stuff that I tell you, Dont you feel special :P. And when I do come home with cuts and scratches I manage to hide them and I havent really come home with broken bones YET. The only worst I have Had was just fractured and sprained and I just say that I did it in soccer but I just didnt say anything. My parents dont really say anything about it so it is allright. And no I dont think it is a waste of time you do have a right to know what is going on so yeah I will tell you everything I can. I actually remember the conversations that I have with you and omg, I feel so loved and warm inside I just absolutly love talking to you. And you are sweet because you actually put with my shit you listen to me your like the mate I have never ever had your the best I dont even know the words for it, all I do know is that you are the best sweetest young lady I have ever met. And please I would actually LOVE to be with you. You are not ruining any relationship I love you so what I dont care if everybody knows that. I would absolutly love for you to be my girlfriend so please dont hesitate to express how you feel with me. Just remember this you are not ruining anything you would be a perfect, excellent etc. girlfriend to have and I am not joking I am actually telling you the truth, so do not feel bad if you say something that I love you ok?;).
Good because I never want you to stop talkinbg to me either I want you in my life for ever or as long as possible.
well best be off,
kiss kiss hug hug
I love you heepz,
From Rhys
Gah, I feel sick just re-reading them.
After a while, he stopped replying to them, so I stopped sending them.
Anyway, Rhys and Emily became more distant and they started fighting because he started being mean to her and calling her a teenie and a prep and not talking to her because of the bands she liked (ie. Simple Plan and Kid Courageous).
They soon broke up.
After Rhys gave Emily an expensive bracelet engraved with Emily, love Rhys which cost over $100 and a Level 27 shirt for her birthday.
He started calling me a teenie too, but meh, I ignored it and persuaded him to think differently. And he stopped.
Then he started being distant from me.
I found out this was due to him turning back to drugs and alcohol after he broke up with Emily.
Then one random day he comes online and tells me that “he doesn’t love anyone” except his best mate Corey, and that at his age “life is only about sex and fooling around”.
Ugh.
Then he decided to tell me he wasn’t a virgin and that he’s had sex and given/received head many times.
Ugh.
I didn’t care too much.
Then he disappeared for a while and whenever he came online he’d be snappy, not talk much and be kinda mean.
Then he came online, rather recently and apologized for his behaviour, telling me he’s sorry for how he treated me and that he loved me.
Yeah, and to believe I actually fell for what he said.
*Dramatically Rolls Eyes*
I found out in the course of conversation that he has a NEW gf, named Alanna.
Great.
I cared, but as long as he was still sweet to me, I tried to stop it from crossing my mind. Too late.
On Valentines Day, I txted him, wishing him a happy valentines day and asking if he’d be my valentine in a joking manner.
During the whole day at school I watched half the school population carry around notes, flowers and chocolates while I just broke inwardly.
Yeah, I’m a hopeless romantic.
During one extremely boring Society and Environment class I started writing Rhys a letter about how sick I felt to see all these kids with bouquets of flowers and about how fucking lazy he is not to pick up his phone and message me.
I never finished the letter.
I was feeling to sick by the fact that I had no-one who loved me.
Ha.
At the end of the day me and what I like to call my best friend Aithne yeah, I’m probably not her best friend but meh, what can I do. were walking past student reception at school, and there was a bunch of girls outside the door we go to an all-girls school.
Aithne (aka. Appy) didn’t know why they were there.
I knew.
They were ALL there to get their valentines presents that had been sent to the school.
Ugh.
Then a girl from my primary school, the most tomboyish basic boring dumb girl got this massive bouquet of flowers.
Massive. Too big to hold.
I felt like crying.
I hated everyone from primary school. I used to be the one who was ALWAYS left out. So, I went home as usual, Rhys came online but went offline straight away. I gave up. Then on Friday, Rhys came online…
Notice My MSN Nickname. The Initials of Joelina (JLN) and Rhys (RKB)
.--------------------------------------------------------------------.
| Session Start: Tuesday, 17 February 2006 |
| Participants: |
| // :: Cut My Wrists and Black My Eyes :: // +JLN <|3 RKB + // (---------@hotmail.com) |
| stupid00798@hotmail.com (stupid00798@hotmail.com) |
.--------------------------------------------------------------------.
[08:40:04 PM] // :: Cut My: Rhys?
[08:40:35 PM] stupid00798@: hello my bubby girl i don ave any crdit nd
i will definately b ur valentine
[08:41:00 PM] // :: Cut My: aww.
[08:41:11 PM] // :: Cut My: thanky,
[08:41:19 PM] // :: Cut My: i wrote you a letter... when i was in a
bad mood.
[08:41:21 PM] // :: Cut My: lol
[08:41:42 PM] stupid00798@: awwww i don want u 2 b in bad moods
[08:42:26 PM] // :: Cut My: valentines day got to me... ugh
[08:42:34 PM] // :: Cut My: and i never finished writing the letter,
lol
[08:42:50 PM] stupid00798@: o shitty lo
[08:43:06 PM] // :: Cut My: oh, its mean. and harsh.
[08:43:09 PM] // :: Cut My: ill scan it anyway
[08:43:29 PM] stupid00798@: sweet]
[08:43:42 PM] // :: Cut My: dont take it to heart?
[08:43:46 PM] stupid00798@: ok
[08:45:53 PM] // :: Cut My: i was in a very bad mood.... ok? lol
[08:46:00 PM] stupid00798@: ok then
[08:46:29 PM] // :: Cut My: sorry, if its mean, i had no one to blame
for the shittyness of the day...and well, you were
closest? lol
[08:46:39 PM] stupid00798@: lmfao
[08:46:41 PM] Transfer of "02-21-2006 08;43;06PM.JPG" is complete.
[08:51:34 PM] stupid00798@: ill read it lata k?
[08:51:48 PM] // :: Cut My: sure.
[08:51:50 PM] // :: Cut My: lol.
[08:51:54 PM] // :: Cut My: dont get angry with me
[08:52:58 PM] stupid00798@: its kol dw bout it
[08:53:12 PM] // :: Cut My: hey, whats with your email as yor
nickname?
[08:53:30 PM] stupid00798@: nothing
[08:53:56 PM] // :: Cut My: what happened to the black death? and your
dp?
[08:54:09 PM] stupid00798@: dw
[08:54:13 PM] // :: Cut My: ?
[08:54:20 PM] stupid00798@: dw
[08:54:25 PM] // :: Cut My: 8-)
[08:54:31 PM] // :: Cut My: what valentines did you get?
[08:54:48 PM] stupid00798@: nothin coz i didnt want anything
[08:54:57 PM] // :: Cut My: what about your gf?
[08:55:18 PM] stupid00798@: she hates it as well
[08:55:25 PM] // :: Cut My: hmmph,
[08:55:29 PM] // :: Cut My: whats her name?
[08:55:46 PM] stupid00798@: alanna
[08:56:29 PM] // :: Cut My: what's she look like?
[08:57:43 PM] stupid00798@: pretty
[08:57:53 PM] // :: Cut My: aww
[08:58:16 PM] stupid00798@: very gorgeous
[08:58:38 PM] // :: Cut My: lol, smitten
[09:03:17 PM] stupid00798@: dw bout it
[09:03:37 PM] // :: Cut My: why do you always say that?
[09:03:55 PM] stupid00798@: coz if i say that then dw bout it
[09:04:09 PM] // :: Cut My: but you ALWAYS say it.
[09:04:16 PM] // :: Cut My: it gets annoying after about 5 times.
[09:04:27 PM] stupid00798@: well den don ask simple isnt it
[09:04:41 PM] // :: Cut My: gah
[09:04:50 PM] stupid00798@: lol
[09:04:57 PM] // :: Cut My: *shakes head*
[09:05:02 PM] // :: Cut My: lol
[09:05:12 PM] stupid00798@: u still love me though:P
[09:05:18 PM] // :: Cut My: hahaha, of course.
[09:05:24 PM] // :: Cut My: what about me?
[09:05:28 PM] // :: Cut My: arent i loved?
[09:05:49 PM] stupid00798@: bubby i will always love u
[09:05:53 PM] stupid00798@: u know wat im gonna say don u
[09:05:58 PM] // :: Cut My: lol.
[09:06:02 PM] // :: Cut My: hmm?
[09:06:31 PM] stupid00798@: dw
[09:06:51 PM] // :: Cut My: you're saying that on purpose now arent
you?
[09:07:07 PM] stupid00798@: ok wat did i say
[09:07:12 PM] // :: Cut My: dw.
[09:07:34 PM] stupid00798@: DW FUCKING BOUT IT
[09:08:12 PM] // :: Cut My: lol, that makes no sense whatsoever.
[09:08:16 PM] // :: Cut My: and...youre being mean to me
[09:09:08 PM] // :: Cut My: *tear*
[09:09:16 PM] stupid00798@: well don ask
[09:09:40 PM] // :: Cut My: dont ask what? dammit
[09:10:02 PM] stupid00798@: bout my name nd dp
[09:10:15 PM] // :: Cut My: didnt we stop talking about that a while
ago?
[09:11:55 PM] // :: Cut My: what are you doing anyway?
[09:12:02 PM] stupid00798@: chattin
[09:12:12 PM] // :: Cut My: who to?
[09:12:17 PM] stupid00798@: ppl
[09:12:22 PM] // :: Cut My: 8-)
[09:12:32 PM] // :: Cut My: you get on my nerves so much, lol
[09:12:46 PM] stupid00798@: well don ask silly questions
[09:12:50 PM] // :: Cut My: im not.
[09:13:00 PM] // :: Cut My: dont act so ignorant.
[09:13:07 PM] stupid00798@: lol
[09:13:15 PM] stupid00798@: well silly questions get silly answers
[09:13:25 PM] // :: Cut My: it wasnt a silly question
[09:13:33 PM] stupid00798@: im not gonna name all the ppl
[09:13:58 PM] // :: Cut My: lol, you could name afew, lol
[09:14:14 PM] stupid00798@: DW
[09:14:16 PM] stupid00798@: fuck
[09:14:22 PM] // :: Cut My: oh good effing god.
[09:14:35 PM] // :: Cut My: would you rather i just stop fucking
talking to you?!
[09:14:48 PM] stupid00798@: stop askin that question
[09:15:10 PM] // :: Cut My: maybe you should fucking answer it then
[09:15:16 PM] // :: Cut My: and be fucking truthful
[09:15:48 PM] stupid00798@: ok i will b truthful got rid of it
[09:16:10 PM] // :: Cut My: ?
[09:16:17 PM] stupid00798@: i got rid of it
[09:16:21 PM] // :: Cut My: of what?
[09:16:35 PM] // :: Cut My: ok. this conversation is fucked up.
[09:27:20 PM] // :: Cut My: i have to go...
[09:27:45 PM] stupid00798@: l8rz xoxo take it easy
[09:28:01 PM] // :: Cut My: hey, will you be on 2mrw?
[09:28:16 PM] stupid00798@: hopefully
[09:28:22 PM] // :: Cut My: can i ring you?
[09:28:40 PM] stupid00798@: now?
[09:28:50 PM] // :: Cut My: no, 2mrw night.
[09:28:55 PM] stupid00798@: yesh
[09:29:04 PM] // :: Cut My: on which phone and when?
[09:29:42 PM] stupid00798@: wateva fone nd lets say wat time is best 4
u?
[09:30:20 PM] // :: Cut My: umm....late...like...10:30pm Perth time.
[09:30:32 PM] stupid00798@: sure
[09:30:43 PM] // :: Cut My: is that too late?
[09:30:44 PM] stupid00798@: it depends if im not stayin at coreys
[09:30:49 PM] // :: Cut My: well, tell me?
[09:30:54 PM] stupid00798@: k
[09:30:58 PM] // :: Cut My: well, cya
[09:31:24 PM] stupid00798@: cyz xoxo
[09:31:27 PM] // :: Cut My: xxxx
To understand that, his username is usually “Black Death” and his display picture is some satanistic icon.
Ugh, he wanted to become a Satanist because he knew it freaked me out.
So, you see our conversations are rather dysfunctional now.
Valentine, gah, i was so happy after he said that...
But meh.
At 10:40pm Perth time last night I rang Rhys on his mobile, his dad is rather violent and I didn’t want to ring him on the house phone incase I woke up his parents at 1:40am Sydney time.
So, meh, he picked it up and mumbled something, I said hi, told him who I was, he mumbled something along the lines of “who is it? Eve is that you?” and I sighed and told him I couldn’t hear him. Then he mumbled something again and hung up.
Meh, I couldn’t be fucked ringing back.
I just thought maybe he was tired or wasn’t paying attention.
But eh, was I wrong.
He signed on today.
.--------------------------------------------------------------------.
| Session Start: Tuesday, 19 February 2006 |
| Participants: |
| // :: Cut My Wrists and Black My Eyes :: // +JLN <|3 RKB + // (------------@hotmail.com) |
| stupid00798@hotmail.com (stupid00798@hotmail.com) |
.--------------------------------------------------------------------.
[05:46:17 PM] // :: Cut My: hi.
[05:46:56 PM] stupid00798@: did u ring up last night
[05:47:04 PM] // :: Cut My: yeah, wtf happened?
[05:47:25 PM] stupid00798@: i was having sex wif my gf nd u
interrupted lmfao
[05:47:52 PM] // :: Cut My: seriously?
[05:48:09 PM] * stupid00798@hotmail.com is now Be Right Back
[05:48:13 PM] stupid00798@: yes i was
[05:48:20 PM] // :: Cut My: ew, i did not need to know that
[05:48:27 PM] stupid00798@: lmfao
[05:48:39 PM] * stupid00798@hotmail.com is now Away
[05:48:49 PM] // :: Cut My: ugh, im gonna try and erase that thought
from my mind
[05:48:56 PM] stupid00798@: lmfao
[05:48:58 PM] stupid00798@: LMFAO
[05:49:14 PM] * stupid00798@hotmail.com is now Online
[05:49:57 PM] stupid00798@: yeah and my gf was like hu the fuck was
that rhys we r having sex u shuldove turned off ur phone
so i jus said alright turned it off then went at it hrd
again
[05:50:20 PM] // :: Cut My: and you feel you have the urge to tell me
this, why?
[05:50:42 PM] stupid00798@: i was jus te.lling u wat a night i had
[05:51:05 PM] // :: Cut My: well...i dont really need to hear it.
[05:51:13 PM] // :: Cut My: its making me feel sick.
[05:51:33 PM] stupid00798@: alright then
[05:52:04 PM] // :: Cut My: you know... i seriously have no idea why i
still talk to you.
[05:52:14 PM] // :: Cut My: youve twisted my life around.
[05:52:51 PM] stupid00798@: alright there is more then 1 thing i hate
nd the most worst thing i hate is fuckwits once ur a
fuckwit i hate u i don even want 2 mention ur name
[05:53:05 PM] // :: Cut My: ?
[05:53:11 PM] stupid00798@: now don blame me 4 ur problems alright
[05:53:22 PM] // :: Cut My: im not, though, you ARE one of the many
problems.
[05:53:26 PM] stupid00798@: now i culd b really mean and b an asshole
nd call u a fuckwit
[05:53:40 PM] stupid00798@: alright fuckwit ave a nice life fuckwit
[05:53:42 PM] * stupid00798@hotmail.com is now Offline
As much as that conversation really hurt me and made me feel like instantly throwing up, I don’t think anyone has any idea how much that last sentence made me feel.
I could literally feel my heart breaking once again. And as I type this, it’s shattering.
Half way through this entry, mum kicked me off the computer to go with her delivering we deliver brochure thingys.
Before I left I nearly broke down 3 times.
While I was walking I was constantly crying listening to my iPod, I’m not sure if mum noticed, but I was wearing my white sunnies, hoping that no-one would see the tears rolling down my cheeks.
I think they did, because a guy, must’ve been 19 with a sweet face and some band shirt just looked at me…
Ugh. I feel terrible. But It doesn’t seem Rhys was worth it.
Another guy I like is Joel (Aka. Joelina The Army Boi). He goes went to choir with me. Yeah, I’m in a choir, or well, a performance group (were absolutely nothing like a choir).
He left due to a conflicting dance schedule.
He still has no idea that i have had a massive crush the size of USA on him liked him for over two years.
Lately he went to QLD to represent Western Australia in a dance competition.
My mum and his mum (they’re very close, where as me and Joelina only talk a little.) went out for a coffee the other day and mum brought home a tweety bird toy from Movie World.
On the tag was “To Eve From Joel".
I knew it was his mum’s writing, so I asked Joel’s little sister.
Apparently it was ALL his mum’s idea.
She bought it and just chucked his name on it and said it was from him.
Ugh, that was a complete downer. I should’ve known.
I should stop crying over boys. It’s going to ruin my life.
Rhys’s full name is still my password, and I still don’t know what he looks like.
Heartbreak, A Fake Smile and 2000 Miles.
"Until I Met You"
Shaking on the outside
Because of what I'm feeling inside
My chest is fucking hurting
And my stomach's fucking burning
I laugh when you are crying,
You say inside you're dying,
Because you gave up way too early,
Your fucking pain is so deserving...
Don't wanna take it
Because I fucking hate it
Why do we talk when
All we do is argue
Nothing to be said
Except you make me wish I was dead
This time I'm breaking off for good
I never felt this way before
Open chest, heart on the floor
I never wished that I was dead
Until I met you
I fucking hate the way I'm feeling
Because my fucking life's not changing
You broke me down when you stopped caring
Your fucking misery's my healing
Don't wanna take it
Because I fucking hate it
Why do we talk when
All we do is argue
Nothing to be said
Except you make me wish I was dead
This time I'm breaking off for good
I never felt this way before
Open chest, heart on the floor
I never wished that I was dead
I never felt this way before
Open chest, heart on the floor
I never wished that I was dead
Until I met you
(Until I met you)
I never felt this way before
Open chest, heart on the floor
I never wished that I was dead
Until I met you
I never felt this way before
Until I met you
I never felt this way before
Until I met you
Maybe I’m overreacting.
Ok, maybe a little background info first.
Rhys (15yrs old) , I met him through my 2 Sydney friends Emily (15) and Holly (14).
He went to primary school with Holly and even though he had a gf, him and Emily liked eachother. Holly nicknamed him “Emily’s Half Boyfriend”.
Well, even though I had never seen a photo of him (or met him for that matter) I started talking to him. He was really sweet to me. Then we spoke on the phone a couple of times for about 3 hours straight.
Yeah, I liked him, and he said he liked me.
Holly told me how Rhys was as she called him a “flatterer”. He would tell anyone and everyone that he loved them.
Oh well, maybe a swinger.
But I thought he was different to me.
I mean, we once spoke about what we’d do if we met eachother, and that was kinda M-rated.
He said really sweet things to me, like “you would make a good girlfriend, I wouldn’t mind having you” and “when I meet you, I’m going to give you the warmest most hugged hug in the world”.
Sweet, huh?
Bear in mind that all this went on during the time he had a girlfriend Aimee
Well, he broke up with Aimee, and was all excited
“Evie, I’m single now!!”.
Well, soon after, he hooked up with Emily.
Great.
And neither Holly nor Emily knew I liked Rhys.
So, I told Holly. Maybe I shouldn’t have, but oh well.
Me and Rhys used to email eachother everyday, each message sort of gave me a high.
To give you an idea, here’s two emails from him.
Hello dearest Eve,
I thank you so much for everything you have done for me so far, I am appreciating it very so much, well this is a very big promise from me to you when you do meet me I am going to give you the most biggest most warmest most hugged hug ever known to hug in this universe. Why you say to yourself, because I love you. Your a very nice sweet person and I never ever want you to leave I want you to stay and if you leave then how can I still love you and share my problems I would go insane and I absolutly love talking to you and listening to what you have to say because I am willing to help you n everyway possible I just dont want you to elave me please. Anyway what happened to our promise "Ok, I will make a promise to ya. I wont leave if you dont leave me" and you never break a promise remember:P. Your extremely sweet, extremely nice, extremely caring, and I you are extremely BEAUTIFUL and dont say you are not because you are and I am not lieing and dont worry to me you are wanted. And dont worry ur not a teenybopper lol:P. I love it when you ring its like I can say anything to you and you wont get mad I just love talking to you.
And dont worry i bet you would be an absolute great girlfriend I wouldnt mind you being my girlfriend actually it would be nice ;)
well best be off stay safe and all the rest
love u lots
from rhys
My Dearest Eve,
Once again I am so fucking sorry for the fucking trouble I have caused I really do feel very guilty I am dreadfully sorry. I definately dont take drugs ANYMORE I HATE THE SHIT NOW!!!!!!!!!! And no I do not smoke no more. And I deifnately trust you you are the only person who I can actually truly trust, I trust my girlfriend and all that jazz but not all the stuff that I tell you, Dont you feel special :P. And when I do come home with cuts and scratches I manage to hide them and I havent really come home with broken bones YET. The only worst I have Had was just fractured and sprained and I just say that I did it in soccer but I just didnt say anything. My parents dont really say anything about it so it is allright. And no I dont think it is a waste of time you do have a right to know what is going on so yeah I will tell you everything I can. I actually remember the conversations that I have with you and omg, I feel so loved and warm inside I just absolutly love talking to you. And you are sweet because you actually put with my shit you listen to me your like the mate I have never ever had your the best I dont even know the words for it, all I do know is that you are the best sweetest young lady I have ever met. And please I would actually LOVE to be with you. You are not ruining any relationship I love you so what I dont care if everybody knows that. I would absolutly love for you to be my girlfriend so please dont hesitate to express how you feel with me. Just remember this you are not ruining anything you would be a perfect, excellent etc. girlfriend to have and I am not joking I am actually telling you the truth, so do not feel bad if you say something that I love you ok?;).
Good because I never want you to stop talkinbg to me either I want you in my life for ever or as long as possible.
well best be off,
kiss kiss hug hug
I love you heepz,
From Rhys
Gah, I feel sick just re-reading them.
After a while, he stopped replying to them, so I stopped sending them.
Anyway, Rhys and Emily became more distant and they started fighting because he started being mean to her and calling her a teenie and a prep and not talking to her because of the bands she liked (ie. Simple Plan and Kid Courageous).
They soon broke up.
After Rhys gave Emily an expensive bracelet engraved with Emily, love Rhys which cost over $100 and a Level 27 shirt for her birthday.
He started calling me a teenie too, but meh, I ignored it and persuaded him to think differently. And he stopped.
Then he started being distant from me.
I found out this was due to him turning back to drugs and alcohol after he broke up with Emily.
Then one random day he comes online and tells me that “he doesn’t love anyone” except his best mate Corey, and that at his age “life is only about sex and fooling around”.
Ugh.
Then he decided to tell me he wasn’t a virgin and that he’s had sex and given/received head many times.
Ugh.
I didn’t care too much.
Then he disappeared for a while and whenever he came online he’d be snappy, not talk much and be kinda mean.
Then he came online, rather recently and apologized for his behaviour, telling me he’s sorry for how he treated me and that he loved me.
Yeah, and to believe I actually fell for what he said.
*Dramatically Rolls Eyes*
I found out in the course of conversation that he has a NEW gf, named Alanna.
Great.
I cared, but as long as he was still sweet to me, I tried to stop it from crossing my mind. Too late.
On Valentines Day, I txted him, wishing him a happy valentines day and asking if he’d be my valentine in a joking manner.
During the whole day at school I watched half the school population carry around notes, flowers and chocolates while I just broke inwardly.
Yeah, I’m a hopeless romantic.
During one extremely boring Society and Environment class I started writing Rhys a letter about how sick I felt to see all these kids with bouquets of flowers and about how fucking lazy he is not to pick up his phone and message me.
I never finished the letter.
I was feeling to sick by the fact that I had no-one who loved me.
Ha.
At the end of the day me and what I like to call my best friend Aithne yeah, I’m probably not her best friend but meh, what can I do. were walking past student reception at school, and there was a bunch of girls outside the door we go to an all-girls school.
Aithne (aka. Appy) didn’t know why they were there.
I knew.
They were ALL there to get their valentines presents that had been sent to the school.
Ugh.
Then a girl from my primary school, the most tomboyish basic boring dumb girl got this massive bouquet of flowers.
Massive. Too big to hold.
I felt like crying.
I hated everyone from primary school. I used to be the one who was ALWAYS left out. So, I went home as usual, Rhys came online but went offline straight away. I gave up. Then on Friday, Rhys came online…
Notice My MSN Nickname. The Initials of Joelina (JLN) and Rhys (RKB)
.--------------------------------------------------------------------.
| Session Start: Tuesday, 17 February 2006 |
| Participants: |
| // :: Cut My Wrists and Black My Eyes :: // +JLN <|3 RKB + // (---------@hotmail.com) |
| stupid00798@hotmail.com (stupid00798@hotmail.com) |
.--------------------------------------------------------------------.
[08:40:04 PM] // :: Cut My: Rhys?
[08:40:35 PM] stupid00798@: hello my bubby girl i don ave any crdit nd
i will definately b ur valentine
[08:41:00 PM] // :: Cut My: aww.
[08:41:11 PM] // :: Cut My: thanky,
[08:41:19 PM] // :: Cut My: i wrote you a letter... when i was in a
bad mood.
[08:41:21 PM] // :: Cut My: lol
[08:41:42 PM] stupid00798@: awwww i don want u 2 b in bad moods
[08:42:26 PM] // :: Cut My: valentines day got to me... ugh
[08:42:34 PM] // :: Cut My: and i never finished writing the letter,
lol
[08:42:50 PM] stupid00798@: o shitty lo
[08:43:06 PM] // :: Cut My: oh, its mean. and harsh.
[08:43:09 PM] // :: Cut My: ill scan it anyway
[08:43:29 PM] stupid00798@: sweet]
[08:43:42 PM] // :: Cut My: dont take it to heart?
[08:43:46 PM] stupid00798@: ok
[08:45:53 PM] // :: Cut My: i was in a very bad mood.... ok? lol
[08:46:00 PM] stupid00798@: ok then
[08:46:29 PM] // :: Cut My: sorry, if its mean, i had no one to blame
for the shittyness of the day...and well, you were
closest? lol
[08:46:39 PM] stupid00798@: lmfao
[08:46:41 PM] Transfer of "02-21-2006 08;43;06PM.JPG" is complete.
[08:51:34 PM] stupid00798@: ill read it lata k?
[08:51:48 PM] // :: Cut My: sure.
[08:51:50 PM] // :: Cut My: lol.
[08:51:54 PM] // :: Cut My: dont get angry with me
[08:52:58 PM] stupid00798@: its kol dw bout it
[08:53:12 PM] // :: Cut My: hey, whats with your email as yor
nickname?
[08:53:30 PM] stupid00798@: nothing
[08:53:56 PM] // :: Cut My: what happened to the black death? and your
dp?
[08:54:09 PM] stupid00798@: dw
[08:54:13 PM] // :: Cut My: ?
[08:54:20 PM] stupid00798@: dw
[08:54:25 PM] // :: Cut My: 8-)
[08:54:31 PM] // :: Cut My: what valentines did you get?
[08:54:48 PM] stupid00798@: nothin coz i didnt want anything
[08:54:57 PM] // :: Cut My: what about your gf?
[08:55:18 PM] stupid00798@: she hates it as well
[08:55:25 PM] // :: Cut My: hmmph,
[08:55:29 PM] // :: Cut My: whats her name?
[08:55:46 PM] stupid00798@: alanna
[08:56:29 PM] // :: Cut My: what's she look like?
[08:57:43 PM] stupid00798@: pretty
[08:57:53 PM] // :: Cut My: aww
[08:58:16 PM] stupid00798@: very gorgeous
[08:58:38 PM] // :: Cut My: lol, smitten
[09:03:17 PM] stupid00798@: dw bout it
[09:03:37 PM] // :: Cut My: why do you always say that?
[09:03:55 PM] stupid00798@: coz if i say that then dw bout it
[09:04:09 PM] // :: Cut My: but you ALWAYS say it.
[09:04:16 PM] // :: Cut My: it gets annoying after about 5 times.
[09:04:27 PM] stupid00798@: well den don ask simple isnt it
[09:04:41 PM] // :: Cut My: gah
[09:04:50 PM] stupid00798@: lol
[09:04:57 PM] // :: Cut My: *shakes head*
[09:05:02 PM] // :: Cut My: lol
[09:05:12 PM] stupid00798@: u still love me though:P
[09:05:18 PM] // :: Cut My: hahaha, of course.
[09:05:24 PM] // :: Cut My: what about me?
[09:05:28 PM] // :: Cut My: arent i loved?
[09:05:49 PM] stupid00798@: bubby i will always love u
[09:05:53 PM] stupid00798@: u know wat im gonna say don u
[09:05:58 PM] // :: Cut My: lol.
[09:06:02 PM] // :: Cut My: hmm?
[09:06:31 PM] stupid00798@: dw
[09:06:51 PM] // :: Cut My: you're saying that on purpose now arent
you?
[09:07:07 PM] stupid00798@: ok wat did i say
[09:07:12 PM] // :: Cut My: dw.
[09:07:34 PM] stupid00798@: DW FUCKING BOUT IT
[09:08:12 PM] // :: Cut My: lol, that makes no sense whatsoever.
[09:08:16 PM] // :: Cut My: and...youre being mean to me
[09:09:08 PM] // :: Cut My: *tear*
[09:09:16 PM] stupid00798@: well don ask
[09:09:40 PM] // :: Cut My: dont ask what? dammit
[09:10:02 PM] stupid00798@: bout my name nd dp
[09:10:15 PM] // :: Cut My: didnt we stop talking about that a while
ago?
[09:11:55 PM] // :: Cut My: what are you doing anyway?
[09:12:02 PM] stupid00798@: chattin
[09:12:12 PM] // :: Cut My: who to?
[09:12:17 PM] stupid00798@: ppl
[09:12:22 PM] // :: Cut My: 8-)
[09:12:32 PM] // :: Cut My: you get on my nerves so much, lol
[09:12:46 PM] stupid00798@: well don ask silly questions
[09:12:50 PM] // :: Cut My: im not.
[09:13:00 PM] // :: Cut My: dont act so ignorant.
[09:13:07 PM] stupid00798@: lol
[09:13:15 PM] stupid00798@: well silly questions get silly answers
[09:13:25 PM] // :: Cut My: it wasnt a silly question
[09:13:33 PM] stupid00798@: im not gonna name all the ppl
[09:13:58 PM] // :: Cut My: lol, you could name afew, lol
[09:14:14 PM] stupid00798@: DW
[09:14:16 PM] stupid00798@: fuck
[09:14:22 PM] // :: Cut My: oh good effing god.
[09:14:35 PM] // :: Cut My: would you rather i just stop fucking
talking to you?!
[09:14:48 PM] stupid00798@: stop askin that question
[09:15:10 PM] // :: Cut My: maybe you should fucking answer it then
[09:15:16 PM] // :: Cut My: and be fucking truthful
[09:15:48 PM] stupid00798@: ok i will b truthful got rid of it
[09:16:10 PM] // :: Cut My: ?
[09:16:17 PM] stupid00798@: i got rid of it
[09:16:21 PM] // :: Cut My: of what?
[09:16:35 PM] // :: Cut My: ok. this conversation is fucked up.
[09:27:20 PM] // :: Cut My: i have to go...
[09:27:45 PM] stupid00798@: l8rz xoxo take it easy
[09:28:01 PM] // :: Cut My: hey, will you be on 2mrw?
[09:28:16 PM] stupid00798@: hopefully
[09:28:22 PM] // :: Cut My: can i ring you?
[09:28:40 PM] stupid00798@: now?
[09:28:50 PM] // :: Cut My: no, 2mrw night.
[09:28:55 PM] stupid00798@: yesh
[09:29:04 PM] // :: Cut My: on which phone and when?
[09:29:42 PM] stupid00798@: wateva fone nd lets say wat time is best 4
u?
[09:30:20 PM] // :: Cut My: umm....late...like...10:30pm Perth time.
[09:30:32 PM] stupid00798@: sure
[09:30:43 PM] // :: Cut My: is that too late?
[09:30:44 PM] stupid00798@: it depends if im not stayin at coreys
[09:30:49 PM] // :: Cut My: well, tell me?
[09:30:54 PM] stupid00798@: k
[09:30:58 PM] // :: Cut My: well, cya
[09:31:24 PM] stupid00798@: cyz xoxo
[09:31:27 PM] // :: Cut My: xxxx
To understand that, his username is usually “Black Death” and his display picture is some satanistic icon.
Ugh, he wanted to become a Satanist because he knew it freaked me out.
So, you see our conversations are rather dysfunctional now.
Valentine, gah, i was so happy after he said that...
But meh.
At 10:40pm Perth time last night I rang Rhys on his mobile, his dad is rather violent and I didn’t want to ring him on the house phone incase I woke up his parents at 1:40am Sydney time.
So, meh, he picked it up and mumbled something, I said hi, told him who I was, he mumbled something along the lines of “who is it? Eve is that you?” and I sighed and told him I couldn’t hear him. Then he mumbled something again and hung up.
Meh, I couldn’t be fucked ringing back.
I just thought maybe he was tired or wasn’t paying attention.
But eh, was I wrong.
He signed on today.
.--------------------------------------------------------------------.
| Session Start: Tuesday, 19 February 2006 |
| Participants: |
| // :: Cut My Wrists and Black My Eyes :: // +JLN <|3 RKB + // (------------@hotmail.com) |
| stupid00798@hotmail.com (stupid00798@hotmail.com) |
.--------------------------------------------------------------------.
[05:46:17 PM] // :: Cut My: hi.
[05:46:56 PM] stupid00798@: did u ring up last night
[05:47:04 PM] // :: Cut My: yeah, wtf happened?
[05:47:25 PM] stupid00798@: i was having sex wif my gf nd u
interrupted lmfao
[05:47:52 PM] // :: Cut My: seriously?
[05:48:09 PM] * stupid00798@hotmail.com is now Be Right Back
[05:48:13 PM] stupid00798@: yes i was
[05:48:20 PM] // :: Cut My: ew, i did not need to know that
[05:48:27 PM] stupid00798@: lmfao
[05:48:39 PM] * stupid00798@hotmail.com is now Away
[05:48:49 PM] // :: Cut My: ugh, im gonna try and erase that thought
from my mind
[05:48:56 PM] stupid00798@: lmfao
[05:48:58 PM] stupid00798@: LMFAO
[05:49:14 PM] * stupid00798@hotmail.com is now Online
[05:49:57 PM] stupid00798@: yeah and my gf was like hu the fuck was
that rhys we r having sex u shuldove turned off ur phone
so i jus said alright turned it off then went at it hrd
again
[05:50:20 PM] // :: Cut My: and you feel you have the urge to tell me
this, why?
[05:50:42 PM] stupid00798@: i was jus te.lling u wat a night i had
[05:51:05 PM] // :: Cut My: well...i dont really need to hear it.
[05:51:13 PM] // :: Cut My: its making me feel sick.
[05:51:33 PM] stupid00798@: alright then
[05:52:04 PM] // :: Cut My: you know... i seriously have no idea why i
still talk to you.
[05:52:14 PM] // :: Cut My: youve twisted my life around.
[05:52:51 PM] stupid00798@: alright there is more then 1 thing i hate
nd the most worst thing i hate is fuckwits once ur a
fuckwit i hate u i don even want 2 mention ur name
[05:53:05 PM] // :: Cut My: ?
[05:53:11 PM] stupid00798@: now don blame me 4 ur problems alright
[05:53:22 PM] // :: Cut My: im not, though, you ARE one of the many
problems.
[05:53:26 PM] stupid00798@: now i culd b really mean and b an asshole
nd call u a fuckwit
[05:53:40 PM] stupid00798@: alright fuckwit ave a nice life fuckwit
[05:53:42 PM] * stupid00798@hotmail.com is now Offline
As much as that conversation really hurt me and made me feel like instantly throwing up, I don’t think anyone has any idea how much that last sentence made me feel.
I could literally feel my heart breaking once again. And as I type this, it’s shattering.
Half way through this entry, mum kicked me off the computer to go with her delivering we deliver brochure thingys.
Before I left I nearly broke down 3 times.
While I was walking I was constantly crying listening to my iPod, I’m not sure if mum noticed, but I was wearing my white sunnies, hoping that no-one would see the tears rolling down my cheeks.
I think they did, because a guy, must’ve been 19 with a sweet face and some band shirt just looked at me…
Ugh. I feel terrible. But It doesn’t seem Rhys was worth it.
Another guy I like is Joel (Aka. Joelina The Army Boi). He goes went to choir with me. Yeah, I’m in a choir, or well, a performance group (were absolutely nothing like a choir).
He left due to a conflicting dance schedule.
He still has no idea that i have had a massive crush the size of USA on him liked him for over two years.
Lately he went to QLD to represent Western Australia in a dance competition.
My mum and his mum (they’re very close, where as me and Joelina only talk a little.) went out for a coffee the other day and mum brought home a tweety bird toy from Movie World.
On the tag was “To Eve From Joel".
I knew it was his mum’s writing, so I asked Joel’s little sister.
Apparently it was ALL his mum’s idea.
She bought it and just chucked his name on it and said it was from him.
Ugh, that was a complete downer. I should’ve known.
I should stop crying over boys. It’s going to ruin my life.
Rhys’s full name is still my password, and I still don’t know what he looks like.
Heartbreak, A Fake Smile and 2000 Miles.
"Until I Met You"
Shaking on the outside
Because of what I'm feeling inside
My chest is fucking hurting
And my stomach's fucking burning
I laugh when you are crying,
You say inside you're dying,
Because you gave up way too early,
Your fucking pain is so deserving...
Don't wanna take it
Because I fucking hate it
Why do we talk when
All we do is argue
Nothing to be said
Except you make me wish I was dead
This time I'm breaking off for good
I never felt this way before
Open chest, heart on the floor
I never wished that I was dead
Until I met you
I fucking hate the way I'm feeling
Because my fucking life's not changing
You broke me down when you stopped caring
Your fucking misery's my healing
Don't wanna take it
Because I fucking hate it
Why do we talk when
All we do is argue
Nothing to be said
Except you make me wish I was dead
This time I'm breaking off for good
I never felt this way before
Open chest, heart on the floor
I never wished that I was dead
I never felt this way before
Open chest, heart on the floor
I never wished that I was dead
Until I met you
(Until I met you)
I never felt this way before
Open chest, heart on the floor
I never wished that I was dead
Until I met you
I never felt this way before
Until I met you
I never felt this way before
Until I met you