HARMONIC LUNACY'S BIG IMPORTANT NEW YEAR'S ENTRY
OKAY OKAY EVERYONE NEEDS TO MAY--PAY. ATTENTION HEREO KAY??
everyone. SHTU ................... SHUI ... oh my gd
osmd bdnjkffsjkl
LMFAO OKAY SHUT UP THIS ENTRY IS IMPORTANT!!! HERE WE GO.
WOW I DO NOT HAVE THE APPROPRIATE ICONS FOR THIS AT ALL
OKAY THIS IS SO IMPORTANT. SO SIT DOWN AND ~~SHUT UP.~~ LMFAO. Or stand up and SHOUT, I don't care!! 8D In fact, that second one might be more fun. I am reviving this journal JUST so I can write this amazing entry where everyone can see it, because it is THAT damn important ot me. ....t--whatever i'm twitiching too much no one cares. uh, actually, I've considered reviving this thning in GNERAL hey bacspace key what's that?? because I thought going to InsaneJournal would hlep. I THOUGHT if I had new icns and a new journal and new motivation, I would be OKAY. And mOTIVATED!!!! but .... I actually turned out to be LESS motivate,d, just because... eye jay is really nice because it's quiet, but it's also BORING BECAUSE IT'S QUIET. my friend s are here at elljay. I am SURROUNDED by them (or surrended, like the Chinese Fortune Cookie website claimed), and I feel like my words are actually being PROCESSED and RECEIVED and things!! uh so
WHO KNOWS. ANYWAY.
This entry is important and I WANT EVERYONE TO SEE IT evden if they don't CARE. So.
*AHEM*
Basically? I can sum up these past few years in a few words:
2008 was STUCK. I was so stuck, and I was not getting ANYWHERE, and it was terrible.
2009 was BEGINNING. i GOT OVER MYSELF!! I got off medications that made my life miserable and felt like MYSELF again. IT WAS GREAT.
2010 was TRANSITIONING. I was kind of getting out there, starting my G.E.D., starting to get more independent and facing FEARS!!
...so it stands to reason that 2011? Will be HAPPENING.
I have been PREPARING for 2011, and I didn't even realize it, but... today, while I was sitting and eating food, I realized that WHATEVERMAS? NEVER FELT LIKE WHATEVERMAS. I sat and watched movies, I listened to music, I've been eating peppermint taffy, but... ...there was never that moment where I acknowledged that it was Whatevermas. AND!!! I realized that's because I AM SO MUCH MORE EXCITED for New Year's. I have been psychologically preparing for it for SUCH a long time.
SO HERE WE GO!!
First:
ACCOMPLISHMENTS IN 2010~!
Wrote, wrote, wrote~!
Went to the emergency room for the first time AND SURVIVED!!
Got an IV stuck in my arm (they still had to hold me down)!!
Got my first few cavities FILLED!! :D
Got a needle stuck in my MOUTH (THEY STILL HAD TO HOLD ME DOWN)!!
Went to the eye doctor's and didn't DIE!!
Rode a ROLLER COASTER and LOVED IT. ;D
Went to the zoo with the mother's stupid boyfriend without PUNCHING HIM IN THE FACE
Started studying for the G.E.D.~!
Got glow-in-the-dark stars for my room~!
Met someone else with CP~!
Let Moose drive me places~!
Talked to LenaBee on the phone~!
...some personal physical CP stuff WOOOO~!!
Became Ericc's BRO!!
Bought people presents with my OWN money~!!
UHHH PROBABLY OTHER STUFF IDK!!!!!!!!
...so yes, 2010 was a VERY GOOD YEAR. ;D I got a lot of things done, set wheels in motion.
2011, though... I've already got some BIG PLANS!!! you people don't understand, not yet, but i'm sure oy ...you wil lby the time i'm DONE with this entry~! I'm taking the G.E.D. in March, I'm going to start taking the bus to go places alone, I'm going to join writer's groups and go recite poetry. IIIIIIIIII .... OH HERE LET'S JUST MAKE ANOTHER DAMN LIST
GOALS FOR 2011~!
Take my G.E.D. test for the first time in March~! ;D make sure to pretend to be Jeebish Whatsit. CONCENTRATE. Restrain the urge to start giggling out of nowhere to break the tension/start throwing pencils. LAWL.
OBTAIN my G.E.D. at some point~! ;D LEARN HOW TO CONCENTRATE like a normal person and sit still.
POSSIBLY FIGURE OUT A STUDY PLAN THAT'S GOOD FOR YOU BECAUSE THIS IS!! SPARTA and ridiculous.
Write, write, write~! Mostly poetry and prose for the Rainbow Book, if you please.
Go through wardrobe. Toss all the shit that you don't WANT OR DONATE IT OR SOMETHING. SRSLY.
Possibly start college~! At LEAST get a feel for college campuses.
BECOME PHYSICALLY INDEPENDENT IN WHATEVER WAY YOU CAN.
SAVE SAVE SAVE MONEY SO SEEING LENA CAN HAPPEN.
Get your hair cut however damn short you fucking WANT it cut.
Grow your nails out as long as you fucking want~!
Go swimming and DON'T SHAVE YOUR LEGS OR ARMPITS!! it's your life, guy.
On that note--think about what you want to STUDY in college. ;D
TALK TO JEEBISH WHATSIT AND DEXTER ON THE PHONE~!!
TAKE VIOLIN LESSONS.
EXERCISE~!!
READ MORE BOOKS.
BE MORE OPEN WITH PEOPLE ABOUT THINGS!!
DEVELOP A STRONGER CONNECTION WITH THE 'VOICES.
ENJOY ~~LIFE~~!!! <3333
I WILL ADD ONTO THIS LIST LATER.
And no, I am not going to tack on the usual bullshit "eat HEALTHIER~!!!" resolution that most people (myself included) usually do. ;D Yes, I eat mostly candy and junk, and no, this is not fucking healthy. Yes, I usually only remember to eat one meal a day, if I even remember to do THAT much. 8D But that's how I am, and that's not my top priority right now, and I know if I make a damn resolution like THAT? I PROBABLY WON'T KEEP IT. Exercising is on there, though, because that's fun~!! I know the parents want me to start sleeping at regular hours, but i'll only do THAT if I absoolutely ... absoolutely LMFAO HAVE TO!!!! so there.
The other day, I found out that my parents were planning on flying LenaBee out here for Whatevermas. D8 I WAS ~~FLOORED,~~ because... I couldn't even BELIEVE my family would do something like that. For ME. I mean, I'd kind of suspected it ever since like... September, but I kept convincing myself that really WASN'T going to happen. But... they were planning on it, they just couldn't AFFORD it because the plane tickets are so expensive around Whatevermas. So they said they were going to try to make it happen sometime SOON after Whatevermas. And I realized that... this is the closest we've ever gotten.
This is the closest I've gotten to seeing Lena.
This year, I managed to prove myself to my family.
My mother and grandmother went to the Gay Pride Festival with me.
My sibling and her friends saw me as male.
This is the closest I've gotten yet.
AND THAT'S PRETTY CLUCKING EMPOWERING.
So close, and maybe it didn't happen exactly the way everyone PLANNED it, but the fact that they'd even PLANNED it just speaks ~~VOLUMES.~~ And I am willing to give up ALL the money I got for my birthamaday and Whatevermas just to help make this happen. This way, we have a little bit of time to prepare. We can decide what we're going to actually DO, if she's going to come over here or I'm going to go over there. I'm going to be more appreciative of my family, because REALLY we are all so ... ;D fucked up~! Won't even tap dance around it. Spent much of my TURKEY DAY embittered because the mother vanished and didn't let us know where she was. Have had countless pointless medicines and things SHOVED DOWN MY THROAT!!!! THEY MADE ME CRAZY
AND THEN I GOT ~~BLAMED~~ FOR IT.
but you know WHAT?
even though I DO need to get out of this place? Even though I ~~DO~~ need to start leading my OWN LIFE?? And they're aggravating and stifling and transphobic sometimes?? and we're not always the closest? ...they care about me, on some level. and I care about THEM, too. and I had to fight for YEARS to get to the point I am at today in GENERAL. I had to FIGHT for this optimism because, in this world, there are people who want to drag you down into the spaces they occupy. It is easy to be a pessimist, to just resign yourself to a sort of sad fate, and there's no real effort there just a lot of sighing and whining and suchlike~!
but being an OPTIMIST?? THAT TAKES COURAGE. EFFORT. MOTIVATION. You have to FIGHT for your happiness in this world.
and there is a phrase that's never quite sat right with me: "settle down."
at some point the people who dreamed of being firemen resign themselves to desks
and the people who dreamed of ballerinas all get sprained ankles
and the people who dreamed of being superheroes fashion nooses out of capes.
The world which once seemed so big in comparison to us, these specks...
...it loses its significance to us, as we grow.
We discard DREAMS.
We resign ourselves to picket fences
and lipstick wives and briefcase husbands.
The worker bees watch the heroes on television
and then scoff at anyone different in "real" life
and they stand by and let disasters happen
because they are not "qualified," not the right person for the job.
They won't even give themselves the satisfaction of a real hive.
I've said it before, I'll say it again.
...but you have to FIGHT. I've fought and I've bit and I've SCRATCHED.
I've gone to war with my own mind. I've been to these dark corners... I've smiled at the Beast inside myself, struggled and tried not to succumb to it. I've been civil to it. I've realized that I don't believe in peace at all. I had to fight to be seen as more than just labels in psychiatry, more than just medicine, more than just someone in a wheelchair. I had to fight to prove that I was LITERATE, to prove that I could function in this world without snapping in half. I had to prove that I was not someone diseased. I had to prove that I really was attracted to women. I had to fight not the dragons we read about, not any supervillains, just people in suits and jackets and things.
More than anything, though, I've had to fight MYSELF.
What I've learned is that life will occasionally hand us things. Life gave me some wonderful friends and a lovely bee and things, but... you must never, ever EXPECT it. I didn't expect it to hand me any of the things it GAVE ME!! LMFAOOOOO. I smile at the Universe and I'm so sure it'll keep smiling back, but if it doesn't I am more than WILLING TO FIGHT. ;D I can't just expect life to be effortless. People are so sure that I DO, most of the time, since I do not worry and fret like they do, but
I don't at all, it's just that a little effort doesn't bother me~!
Because I'll come out on top. :3
This is the closest I've come, but I can't STOP now~! I have to KEEP ON KEEPING ON!!
I am very, very lucky~ but I must make my OWN luck.
SO BRING IT ON, 2011.
I CAN TAKE YOU.
I can MOVE.
...and so can you. <3
AAAAAALl RIGHT I ACTUALLY CONCENTRATED ENOUGH FOR ALL THAT WHAT AN ACCOMPLISHMENT!!!
I am going now, though. TA-TA~! ;D
everyone. SHTU ................... SHUI ... oh my gd
osmd bdnjkffsjkl
LMFAO OKAY SHUT UP THIS ENTRY IS IMPORTANT!!! HERE WE GO.
WOW I DO NOT HAVE THE APPROPRIATE ICONS FOR THIS AT ALL
OKAY THIS IS SO IMPORTANT. SO SIT DOWN AND ~~SHUT UP.~~ LMFAO. Or stand up and SHOUT, I don't care!! 8D In fact, that second one might be more fun. I am reviving this journal JUST so I can write this amazing entry where everyone can see it, because it is THAT damn important ot me. ....t--whatever i'm twitiching too much no one cares. uh, actually, I've considered reviving this thning in GNERAL hey bacspace key what's that?? because I thought going to InsaneJournal would hlep. I THOUGHT if I had new icns and a new journal and new motivation, I would be OKAY. And mOTIVATED!!!! but .... I actually turned out to be LESS motivate,d, just because... eye jay is really nice because it's quiet, but it's also BORING BECAUSE IT'S QUIET. my friend s are here at elljay. I am SURROUNDED by them (or surrended, like the Chinese Fortune Cookie website claimed), and I feel like my words are actually being PROCESSED and RECEIVED and things!! uh so
WHO KNOWS. ANYWAY.
This entry is important and I WANT EVERYONE TO SEE IT evden if they don't CARE. So.
*AHEM*
Basically? I can sum up these past few years in a few words:
2008 was STUCK. I was so stuck, and I was not getting ANYWHERE, and it was terrible.
2009 was BEGINNING. i GOT OVER MYSELF!! I got off medications that made my life miserable and felt like MYSELF again. IT WAS GREAT.
2010 was TRANSITIONING. I was kind of getting out there, starting my G.E.D., starting to get more independent and facing FEARS!!
...so it stands to reason that 2011? Will be HAPPENING.
I have been PREPARING for 2011, and I didn't even realize it, but... today, while I was sitting and eating food, I realized that WHATEVERMAS? NEVER FELT LIKE WHATEVERMAS. I sat and watched movies, I listened to music, I've been eating peppermint taffy, but... ...there was never that moment where I acknowledged that it was Whatevermas. AND!!! I realized that's because I AM SO MUCH MORE EXCITED for New Year's. I have been psychologically preparing for it for SUCH a long time.
SO HERE WE GO!!
First:
ACCOMPLISHMENTS IN 2010~!
Wrote, wrote, wrote~!
Went to the emergency room for the first time AND SURVIVED!!
Got an IV stuck in my arm (they still had to hold me down)!!
Got my first few cavities FILLED!! :D
Got a needle stuck in my MOUTH (THEY STILL HAD TO HOLD ME DOWN)!!
Went to the eye doctor's and didn't DIE!!
Rode a ROLLER COASTER and LOVED IT. ;D
Went to the zoo with the mother's stupid boyfriend without PUNCHING HIM IN THE FACE
Started studying for the G.E.D.~!
Got glow-in-the-dark stars for my room~!
Met someone else with CP~!
Let Moose drive me places~!
Talked to LenaBee on the phone~!
...some personal physical CP stuff WOOOO~!!
Became Ericc's BRO!!
Bought people presents with my OWN money~!!
UHHH PROBABLY OTHER STUFF IDK!!!!!!!!
...so yes, 2010 was a VERY GOOD YEAR. ;D I got a lot of things done, set wheels in motion.
2011, though... I've already got some BIG PLANS!!! you people don't understand, not yet, but i'm sure oy ...you wil lby the time i'm DONE with this entry~! I'm taking the G.E.D. in March, I'm going to start taking the bus to go places alone, I'm going to join writer's groups and go recite poetry. IIIIIIIIII .... OH HERE LET'S JUST MAKE ANOTHER DAMN LIST
GOALS FOR 2011~!
Take my G.E.D. test for the first time in March~! ;D make sure to pretend to be Jeebish Whatsit. CONCENTRATE. Restrain the urge to start giggling out of nowhere to break the tension/start throwing pencils. LAWL.
OBTAIN my G.E.D. at some point~! ;D LEARN HOW TO CONCENTRATE like a normal person and sit still.
POSSIBLY FIGURE OUT A STUDY PLAN THAT'S GOOD FOR YOU BECAUSE THIS IS!! SPARTA and ridiculous.
Write, write, write~! Mostly poetry and prose for the Rainbow Book, if you please.
Go through wardrobe. Toss all the shit that you don't WANT OR DONATE IT OR SOMETHING. SRSLY.
Possibly start college~! At LEAST get a feel for college campuses.
BECOME PHYSICALLY INDEPENDENT IN WHATEVER WAY YOU CAN.
SAVE SAVE SAVE MONEY SO SEEING LENA CAN HAPPEN.
Get your hair cut however damn short you fucking WANT it cut.
Grow your nails out as long as you fucking want~!
Go swimming and DON'T SHAVE YOUR LEGS OR ARMPITS!! it's your life, guy.
On that note--think about what you want to STUDY in college. ;D
TALK TO JEEBISH WHATSIT AND DEXTER ON THE PHONE~!!
TAKE VIOLIN LESSONS.
EXERCISE~!!
READ MORE BOOKS.
BE MORE OPEN WITH PEOPLE ABOUT THINGS!!
DEVELOP A STRONGER CONNECTION WITH THE 'VOICES.
ENJOY ~~LIFE~~!!! <3333
I WILL ADD ONTO THIS LIST LATER.
And no, I am not going to tack on the usual bullshit "eat HEALTHIER~!!!" resolution that most people (myself included) usually do. ;D Yes, I eat mostly candy and junk, and no, this is not fucking healthy. Yes, I usually only remember to eat one meal a day, if I even remember to do THAT much. 8D But that's how I am, and that's not my top priority right now, and I know if I make a damn resolution like THAT? I PROBABLY WON'T KEEP IT. Exercising is on there, though, because that's fun~!! I know the parents want me to start sleeping at regular hours, but i'll only do THAT if I absoolutely ... absoolutely LMFAO HAVE TO!!!! so there.
The other day, I found out that my parents were planning on flying LenaBee out here for Whatevermas. D8 I WAS ~~FLOORED,~~ because... I couldn't even BELIEVE my family would do something like that. For ME. I mean, I'd kind of suspected it ever since like... September, but I kept convincing myself that really WASN'T going to happen. But... they were planning on it, they just couldn't AFFORD it because the plane tickets are so expensive around Whatevermas. So they said they were going to try to make it happen sometime SOON after Whatevermas. And I realized that... this is the closest we've ever gotten.
This is the closest I've gotten to seeing Lena.
This year, I managed to prove myself to my family.
My mother and grandmother went to the Gay Pride Festival with me.
My sibling and her friends saw me as male.
This is the closest I've gotten yet.
AND THAT'S PRETTY CLUCKING EMPOWERING.
So close, and maybe it didn't happen exactly the way everyone PLANNED it, but the fact that they'd even PLANNED it just speaks ~~VOLUMES.~~ And I am willing to give up ALL the money I got for my birthamaday and Whatevermas just to help make this happen. This way, we have a little bit of time to prepare. We can decide what we're going to actually DO, if she's going to come over here or I'm going to go over there. I'm going to be more appreciative of my family, because REALLY we are all so ... ;D fucked up~! Won't even tap dance around it. Spent much of my TURKEY DAY embittered because the mother vanished and didn't let us know where she was. Have had countless pointless medicines and things SHOVED DOWN MY THROAT!!!! THEY MADE ME CRAZY
AND THEN I GOT ~~BLAMED~~ FOR IT.
but you know WHAT?
even though I DO need to get out of this place? Even though I ~~DO~~ need to start leading my OWN LIFE?? And they're aggravating and stifling and transphobic sometimes?? and we're not always the closest? ...they care about me, on some level. and I care about THEM, too. and I had to fight for YEARS to get to the point I am at today in GENERAL. I had to FIGHT for this optimism because, in this world, there are people who want to drag you down into the spaces they occupy. It is easy to be a pessimist, to just resign yourself to a sort of sad fate, and there's no real effort there just a lot of sighing and whining and suchlike~!
but being an OPTIMIST?? THAT TAKES COURAGE. EFFORT. MOTIVATION. You have to FIGHT for your happiness in this world.
and there is a phrase that's never quite sat right with me: "settle down."
at some point the people who dreamed of being firemen resign themselves to desks
and the people who dreamed of ballerinas all get sprained ankles
and the people who dreamed of being superheroes fashion nooses out of capes.
The world which once seemed so big in comparison to us, these specks...
...it loses its significance to us, as we grow.
We discard DREAMS.
We resign ourselves to picket fences
and lipstick wives and briefcase husbands.
The worker bees watch the heroes on television
and then scoff at anyone different in "real" life
and they stand by and let disasters happen
because they are not "qualified," not the right person for the job.
They won't even give themselves the satisfaction of a real hive.
I've said it before, I'll say it again.
...but you have to FIGHT. I've fought and I've bit and I've SCRATCHED.
I've gone to war with my own mind. I've been to these dark corners... I've smiled at the Beast inside myself, struggled and tried not to succumb to it. I've been civil to it. I've realized that I don't believe in peace at all. I had to fight to be seen as more than just labels in psychiatry, more than just medicine, more than just someone in a wheelchair. I had to fight to prove that I was LITERATE, to prove that I could function in this world without snapping in half. I had to prove that I was not someone diseased. I had to prove that I really was attracted to women. I had to fight not the dragons we read about, not any supervillains, just people in suits and jackets and things.
More than anything, though, I've had to fight MYSELF.
What I've learned is that life will occasionally hand us things. Life gave me some wonderful friends and a lovely bee and things, but... you must never, ever EXPECT it. I didn't expect it to hand me any of the things it GAVE ME!! LMFAOOOOO. I smile at the Universe and I'm so sure it'll keep smiling back, but if it doesn't I am more than WILLING TO FIGHT. ;D I can't just expect life to be effortless. People are so sure that I DO, most of the time, since I do not worry and fret like they do, but
I don't at all, it's just that a little effort doesn't bother me~!
Because I'll come out on top. :3
This is the closest I've come, but I can't STOP now~! I have to KEEP ON KEEPING ON!!
I am very, very lucky~ but I must make my OWN luck.
SO BRING IT ON, 2011.
I CAN TAKE YOU.
I can MOVE.
...and so can you. <3
AAAAAALl RIGHT I ACTUALLY CONCENTRATED ENOUGH FOR ALL THAT WHAT AN ACCOMPLISHMENT!!!
I am going now, though. TA-TA~! ;D