(no subject)
Well, this is a reference to something someone called me....you know who you are. Frankly, I'd have rather kept this whole disagreement private, but since this person is publicly attacking me...I feel I have the right to say something in an equally public manner. Or almost, anyway. I'm not going to mention names because I still have a lot of respect for what was, but I think most people who read my lj will have already heard at least bits and pieces of what happened-so people will probably be able to guess who I'm talking about.
Basically, a couple of months ago, I gave some advice that wasn't well received. No, this person didn't ask for advice, but I gave it because it was what I truly believed and I was trying to be a friend. In return, this person made a very public attack using some information that I had given because we were extremely close friends. At the time, only three people in the entire world had gotten this information because it was stuff that was very close to my heart and I had to trust a person completely before I would tell them something like this. I trusted this person completely. We'd been very close friends for years. I honestly don't trust easily, but I was confident that this information was safe with this friend. What happened, I felt, was that something I gave in confidence to a friend, was purposely used to hurt me in one of the few ways it's possible to hurt me. I was shocked because I thought that this friend was a better person than that. I sent a private email to this person explaining my feelings and got one in return.
I got an apology-and I accepted it and forgave the person for making this hurtful comment. But there were still several issues. First, the trust that had been building for years was gone for me. Second, this person claimed when they wrote me back that they didn't realize that I would take their comment so personally. This tells me two things: either the person was lying and trying to cover their ass by saying that they had misunderstood the situation, or that the person really didn't know that it would hurt me that bad. In the second case, the person was never as good a friend as I had thought because, as I said, this person was one of the only people I had ever talked to about my situation. The only way they wouldn't have known how much their comment would hurt would have been if they were not listening to me and didn't value my friendship as much as I valued theirs.
So I said that I needed some space to myself because I honestly couldn't trust this person with my secrets anymore. I forgave this person for their comment and made peace with their apology, but you can't replace shattered trust with one apology....it takes years to get that back. And I haven't talked to this person since then. Not because I'm mad, but because I don't know if I can trust them with anything now. When I have a secret I need to tell, or I need to vent about something, I now go to friends who haven't betrayed by trust in them. I talk to people who I am sure are listening to me and my feelings. So for me, there hasn't yet been a reason to talk to this person again.
Then, a few weeks ago, I get an IM basically demanding that I forgive this person and talk to them again. Well, I had done the one right away, and I thought the second was slightly ridiculous, so I never answered. Now, I am publicly being called juvenile because I haven't talked to them since this incident.
I don't think this person is being gracious at all. Demanding to be talked to and making public attacks is juvenile in my opinion. Claiming that I never forgave them and that I'm refusing to accept their explanation is reaffirming what I thought about the apology in the first place-that the person doesn't listen to what I've said and was never as good a friend as I thought.
I was talking to a friend when I was down in Atlanta this weekend and I mentioned this incident. I was vague about it, but my friend asked if I would ever be friends with this person again. I thought about it and said "You know, I can't say either way. I'd like to, but I don't think it will ever again be what it was because the trust I had in the friendship and in this person is gone and it will be almost impossible to get back." Until I saw that I was being called juvenile in a place where anyone could read it, I did think it was possible to be somewhat friends again, even though I didn't think that we'd be anywhere near as close as before. Now, however....being publicly attacked for a second time, my words and feelings ignored again in what basically amounts to a temper tantrum for not getting my attention-I don't think we can be friends again. It certainly doesn't seem possible at this point.
So to this person: I forgave you for those comments long ago. That was pretty easily given. But my trust in you was built up over many years and a lot of time spent together, and you don't just get that back right away. I don't know if you purposely used what I told you to hurt me or if you were never really listening to the things I told you, but in either case, it doesn't reflect well on you as a friend and it doesn't make me want to view you as I did before. Because what good is a friend you can't trust and who doesn't listen to you when you talk?
Work last night was eh. Made a pretty good amount for a Tuesday night, especially since we only have 4 behind the main. Johnny was getting on my nerves slightly. He's a nice enough guy, but Stephanie was right-he thinks he knows it all. he tried to tell me at one point "After you work here awhile, you get to learn where each bottle is." I was like, Johnny, I've worked here all summer! Still, he's a good bartender, if slightly frantic in the way he works. And that was good because I started feeling really sick about halfway through the night. I don't know if it's the fact that my iron count is so low right now (tried to give blood again yesterday...it's dropped to 31) or some bug I caught, but I wasn't sure if I wanted to faint or throw up from about 1 o'clock on. So I kinda tried to step back and not move around too much and drink a lot of water. I had about 6-7 groups of people that kept coming back to me all night. One was ordering three Hennesseys at a time, another Crown, another SoCo, so I was still selling a lot. And they were all tipping me really well, so I didn't feel bad about not really working the bar like I normally do. Will was nice (sorta....he did drunkenly yell at me for something Manuel told me to do, but I ignored him) and counted my drawer second so I could get out of there. I got home at 4 and went straight to bed, where I've been most of the day. Still feel bad, but nothing like I did last night.
We also had a bunch of fights. I don't know what it was last night, but it was crazy. There was a huge one out on the patio, and most of the bouncers were out there when these four girls start going at it a few feet from the main bar. And you always hear about girl fights, but let me tell you, when chicks are pissed off and drunk, they fight meaner than any guys I've seen. Brad and Johnny had to jump over the bar and try to seperate it since the bouncers were still cleaning up outside, and then one of our doormen had to come help. Police came, several knives were confiscated, it was nuts. Poor Ritchie spent forever after we closed writing up incident reports, and the bouncers had to have a meeting to make sure they'd gotten everything down in case we get sued. Again. Someone came inside at one point around 2 hollering that someone was shooting off a gun in the parking lot, but it ended up just being a car backfiring, Manuel said. Anyway, just nuts one way or another last night. Glad I don't start classes till tomorrow.