(no subject)
1st off.. *HUG* to Fran. Thank you so much for the hug before I left for the hospital today. It really really meant a lot to me. I know that this whole situation is boring (I'm bored of it too- don't worry), but the fact that you have exams and stuff to worry about but I still got a hug... I dunno.. it really touched me.
Anyway, on with the show. My therapist lady who I normally see wasn't there. This is how the conversation went:
Other member of my "team": - "She fell off her bike"
Me: "What?"
Lady: "She fell off her bike..."
Me: "Is that a turn of phrase, like she fell off the wagon??"
Lady (looking concerned as the girl who's come for her psychiatric appointment has REALLY lost it because she doesn't even know what a bike is..) "No... she actually fell off her bike and broke her wrist"
So that was fun. I know my past week has been SHITE in terms of food and stuff. I feel most bad for Simon and Duck because they have to put up with my evilness 24/7. I was a total freak on Saturday and after a large lunch (Wetherspoons - Steak and chips and peas and tomato and mushrooms and everything.. because I felt so safe and happy with my boys..) Si bought me a McFlurry. Pretty normal thing, but, of course, generated an argument as I could only eat 2/3 of it before the panic kicked in. I didn't want to make myself totally freak because I knew i'd be driving home and it's better to be focussing on the road without constant thoughts of "stupidfatundeservingbigbitch" (no.. I don't hear voices.. it's an internal critique which everyone gets.. it's that feeling you get when you do badly in an exam..). As for the numbers.. I give up even trying to remember or work things out in my head.. it's so screwed up now anyway. I still look at Nicole Richie and think "stupid woman- at least i'm not like her" (even though I found out, apparently, she weighs more than me, but that's probably media-spun bollocks- she's actually proper-unwell).
So.. yeppo. I have my medical forms by the 31st. Exams on the 26th and grad ball on the 30th. I have to get AAB and be "fit enough" to go to university in September.
I know all this, yet I still find it hard to just pick up a bar of chocolate and get on with things. I'm so....so damn angry at myself.
I'm also angry that I've neglected my friends.. missed parties.. not gone to social outings because "we have nothing to fear but fear itself".. and i'm a bit of a pussy when it comes to feeling panicy (again.. totally and utterly screwed up, I realise).. I do wish I could do this year over. I would work harder and tried to be a better friend.
But it's pointless looking back. All I can do is say sorry and move on and try my hardest again tomorrow.
Here.. have something visually pleasing to make you smile:
H xx
