Well... this is it. The final three updates. And, I have to say, I love how it's turned out. When I first got the idea for this... at least ten months ago, I discounted it immediately because I didn't think I was good enough to actually write it. I thought I would botch it up and somehow turn it into one of those cheesy things where Kakashi has never seen Iruka before in his life, but five minutes after meeting Iruka completely changes everything, and then BAM two seconds later they say they love each other, cue happily ever after sunset. And now that it's ended, I think that I managed to do the subject justice and that I somehow actually did end up being good enough to pull it off. I think Fate has ended up of one of my very few stories that I am actually proud of.
As always, I love all you guys for reading and commenting, and I hope I've made it worth your while. So, for the last time- hope you enjoy!
Chapter 28
Three weeks later
"It's been driving me crazy, Mizuki! It's so hard- I spend almost all my time with him and I thought it would have gotten better- but it's just getting worse!"
Mizuki spun in his chair so he was leaning back against the bar, his drink in hand. "That's because you're bad at controlling your emotions. You've got a crush; act on it!"
Iruka leaned forward, resting his chin on his hand. He shook his head sadly and let out a sigh. "No way. He would never, in a million years, be interested in me. And if I ask him and he says no, then it will ruin our friendship- I don't want to risk that!"
Mizuki shrugged. "See, that's your problem. You're too cautious and over think things too much. Just ask him out. What's the worst that could happen?"
Iruka glared at his friend out of the corner of his eye. "Hmm, let's see. He could say no. He could say no and move out. He could say no and then call me a creepy ass and refuse to ever be friends with me again."
"Okay, he is not going to call you a creepy ass. Why on earth would he do that?"
Iruka glanced uneasily back at the bar before just raising his drink again. He'd only told Kotetsu, in confidence, a little of the story behind just why Kakashi had been staying with him- Mizuki had no idea. He was still under the impression that Kakashi had just been recovering from an injury. So he couldn't really explain to Mizuki just why it could come off as creepy if he asked Kakashi out- but it didn't make it any less true.
He just couldn't shake that it would be like taking advantage of him, to get Kakashi involved in a relationship now. He knew the jounin was much better than he was so many months ago, but his mental state was still somewhat unpredictable. The mood swings were less dramatic and frequent, the nightmares occurred much less- or at least no longer roused him as often- and Kakashi was able to joke and be so much more like his playful self. But Iruka wasn't entirely sure how much better he genuinely was, and how much of it was just an act.
Asking Kakashi out now- particularly because Iruka was his caretaker- just felt... wrong, somehow.
And then there was the whole Kakashi being ridiculously out of his league- and certainly being straight, anyway- no way was Iruka asking him out. He wasn't stupid enough to open himself up to that kind of humiliation.
"I'm not asking him out, Mizuki," he muttered. His voice sounded decidedly defeated, even to his own ears. "That's just not going to change."
Mizuki twisted back around and finished off his drink, waving over the bartender for another. "You're right," he agreed. "You're a wuss, and that's not going to change!"
"Hey!"
"I'm just stating the truth!"
Iruka sighed and finished his drink as well. "Mizukiiiii..."
His friend just shrugged. A few moments passed in silence before Mizuki turned to face him, blowing a strand of hair out of his face. "Okay, fine. I was trying to be supportive, you know, encourage you to step out of your shell and get a damn life already- but if you want to know what I really thinking, fine. You don't got a chance in hell with Kakashi. What are you thinking, Iruka?"
Iruka frowned. He glanced at Mizuki and tightened his grip around his glass. "...Care to elaborate?"
Mizuki rolled his eyes, as if it should be obvious. "First of all, you know the rumors about him. They say he's a sex god. The kind that only the sexiest there are get- people like Izumo! You're not that good-looking, Iruka. And you're fucking vanilla. I'm sure the Copy Ninja's as kinky as they come- you'd bore him." The silver-haired chuunin shrugged, took another drink, then continued the verbal tirade. "Plus, he's a jou-nin. Not just that- one of the best there is. Famous, elite, all of that. What does he have in common with someone like you? You're just a chuunin! Hardly that, even- you barely even go on missions! He can't relate to you. And you'd be a weakness to him. He's got enemies, I'm sure- they could just bulldoze right over you without even breaking a sweat."
Iruka stared dumbly.
Mizuki tossed back the rest of his drink in one big gulp, then pushed himself up to his feet. He clapped Iruka on the shoulder and stumbled his way past him with one more parting remark.
"You and Kakashi, Iruka? It ain't gonna happen."
Iruka just sat there staring as his friend swayed and pushed his way through the crowd. He didn't know how long he blinked at the empty space where Mizuki had been standing before he turned back and looked to his half-full glass.
What the hell, why restrain himself?
Mizuki was right.
Kakashi hesitantly poked his head into the bar. It was half past two in the morning, and most shinobi would rather be catching some much-needed sleep than drinking- so the establishment was primarily empty. That was one of the only reasons he was able to slip inside without feeling the need to clear out a ten foot radius and grip a kunai in one hand and a bundle of shiruken in the other. There was a group of three in the corner that seemed to be enjoying themselves, probably celebrating something, and another lonely, hooded drunk surrounded by more empty glasses than Kakashi wished to count. He discounted both as little to no threat to him before turning to face the bar.
There was Iruka, just like Izumo had said. And he was smashed. Just like Izumo had said.
That was enough of a reason to be worried, Kakashi thought. Because he had never seen Iruka get actually drunk, not in the period in which he'd been following him, not in the long phase of the awkward beginnings of friendship, and not since he'd started living with him.
Izumo had also seemed worried- very worried, when he'd stopped by Iruka's apartment to tell Kakashi that he needed to go pick up their friend. Izumo had said he would do it himself, but had a late shift at the mission's desk- and Kotetsu was home with the flu, so he couldn't do it either.
Mizuki couldn't do it because, well, they all hated Mizuki and didn't trust him with a drunk-out-of-his-mind Iruka.
Kakashi slowly approached the teacher slumped over at the bar. He didn't appear to be conscious, one slack hand around one of the many glasses in front of him. He frowned, glancing from Iruka to the bartender watching him. "Normally, I would've just tossed him out on the street," the man said quietly, as way of an explanation. "But Iruka's here all the time with his friends, and he never gets like this. Are you one of his friends? Never seen you here before."
Kakashi nodded shortly. "I don't drink. But, yes. I'm a friend of his. Thanks for not throwing him out."
The bartender merely shrugged, leaving Kakashi to attend to his sloshed friend. The jounin crouched slightly so he was eye level with Iruka, raising a hand to shake him by the shoulder. "Hello?" he called softly. "Anyone in there?"
Iruka stirred, which, frankly, he hadn't been expecting. The teacher blinked one bloodshot eye open, staring blankly at a glass before it shifted jerkily to stare at Kakashi's. He was looking at his hair rather than his face but smiled all the same. "Kasaki!" he exclaimed happily, then frowned. "No... 'Snot right. Kakaki? No... no... Oh! I got it! Shika! No..." Iruka's face fell, almost comically, and Kakashi smiled, unable to help himself.
"Kakashi, maybe?" he murmured, and Iruka's face brightened like a child's.
"Kakashi! That's it!"
The jounin nodded. "Yes. Now, let's go." He slipped underneath Iruka's arm and tried to make him stand, but the teacher clumsily resisted.
"Wait, wait! I've... I've swanted to... to talk to you. For foreeeever."
Kakashi shifted as Iruka's head lolled on his shoulder, and he suspected that the wet something dripping onto his jounin vest was drool. He hoped it wasn't alcohol, at least, because that would be harder to get out. "We can talk at home."
But Iruka shook his head as vigorously as he could, bumping into his neck a little. "No. Now."
"Iruka-"
"Noooooow!"
Kakashi sighed, grinning at the stubborn whining/insisting. "Okay. We can talk now. What do you want to talk about?"
Iruka frowned a little at the question. It seemed to confuse him, and he dropped his head further against Kakashi's shoulder, nuzzling it into his neck. "I... uh..."
"Did you forget?"
Iruka stayed silent for a few moments, then nodded into Kakashi's collar. "Mmmhmm."
"Maybe you'll remember at home."
"No!" the teacher cried, one hand digging into his vest in a shaking fist. "No! It was important! Remember that! Important!"
'Yes, I'm sure it was." Kakashi rubbed his back idly, remembering doing the same when trying to convince a drunk Tenzou to get up and just come home. Genma had Raidou to do that for him, and Gai... well, he wasn't sure what the hell Gai did. But it wasn't Kakashi's problem, and hadn't been since Gai had given him a concussion and three broken ribs with his 'drunken fist'.
But Iruka didn't seem to be violent. Nope, far more like Tenzou- confused to the point of being adorable, and stubborn to the point of being annoying.
"Oh! I remember now!"
"Mmm?" he murmured, glancing to the side to see Iruka looking up at him determinedly, brown eyes wide and hazy.
"Yes! I remember!" Iruka licked his lips excessively, tongue clumsily slopping out of his mouth a few times before he shifted to grasp Kakashi by the shoulders. "Kakasssshi. Do you... doya think you could... like me?"
Kakashi chuckled. "We're friends, Iruka. I'm pretty sure I already do like you-"
"No!" Iruka slumped forward on his chest, an arm flinging around his neck and head resting on his vest. "No! You don't get it!"
"Hmm?"
Iruka shook his head weakly, eyes fluttering open and shut. "Don't understand... not what I'm asking. Like me... as... like... not friend. Like in... in...Mizuki said you couldn't like me."
Kakashi's fists clenched.
Why, why, couldn't he just push and kick Mizuki right out of Iruka's life?
"Well, don't listen to him. Of course I can like you."
"Even though I'm a chuunin?"
Kakashi frowned. "...Yes," he murmured, a little confused as to what that had to do with anything.
"Even though I'm vanilla?"
Kakashi's frown deepened. "Uh..."
"Even though you're a sex god?"
Now he just stared. Iruka was rambling nonsense. "I'm a what? Since when?"
Iruka continued morosely as if Kakashi hadn't even said anything. "Mizuki was probably right... ugh. I really like you, too."
Kakashi heaved, straightening up Iruka before he slumped right onto the floor. He managed to look him in the eye and said, "Iruka, we're friends. Okay? Stop listening to Mizuki! He's just-"
"Not friends!"
There was that frustration again. Kakashi stopped, confused, letting Iruka try and search for the right words. The teacher kept on frowning and mouthing soundlessly for a few long seconds before he shook his head again and leaned forward.
It felt like Iruka had fallen onto him, but on purpose. His face was on top of his, the teacher's lips aligning with his masked ones. Iruka's breath positively reeked of alcohol, and his lips were moving clumsily, which Kakashi didn't really understand- and then-
Was that his tongue?
Yep. That was Iruka's tongue, pushing against his mask, searching for his lips through the cloth.
Kakashi stared at him in shock.
Iruka finally pulled back to stare hazily up at him, mouth still half open. "I like you. Like that," he slurred, then fell forward again. His head hit Kakashi's shoulder and he slumped limply over the copy nin, finally out cold.
Kakashi didn't move.
A quiet chuckle from the bartender jolted him out of his disbelieving stupor, and he looked over to see the man shaking his head and smiling. "Call me crazy, but I think Iruka wants a boyfriend."
"...Oh. ...Like... that."
Then Kakashi wished he could pass out, too.
"I know that after what I've done, I can't expect you to help me. Or even talk to me. But I really need your help, you guys!" Kakashi paced back and forth in front of the memorial stone, frantic steps carrying him over the grass and wearing a pattern into the dirt. "Please. And if you won't talk, then just listen, because I need your advice badly and if you won't give that, then at least let me just talk this out."
He sighed, wrenched his hands through his hair, and hung his head. He kept pacing and closed his eye tighter. "Look. Don't you dare start celebrating this, Obito, but I found out tonight that Iruka likes me. As more than a friend. That he's interested in me... that way. Oh, god." He shook his head again before sticking shaking hands in his pockets. "And now I'm freaking out. Obviously."
Kakashi had been fine after Iruka had passed out. Or perhaps just in shock. He'd managed to get the teacher home and in bed without really understanding what had just happened. He'd been half undressed for bed himself when it really hit him.
It wasn't scary at first, but probably because he had never been in a relationship like Iruka wanted before. He didn't really understand what that would mean for him. He thought back to what Obito had wanted with Rin, and what Rin had wanted with him- but those had been shallow, unformed ideas of romance, and when they were just children! That was different. Very different, he thought.
Then there was Minato and Kushina. What Minato and Kushina had had.
And that kind of relationship, commitment, closeness- it worried him. For reasons that he couldn't very well define.
Then he thought of Genma and Raidou. That was what Iruka wanted with him, right?
And when Kakashi understood that, he understood that Iruka was asking him for something he had run from his entire life.
That was when he fled the apartment.
"I can't get that close to someone," he whispered. "I can't. It's too hard. Hard, and dangerous. I promised myself years ago I would never be that stupid again, opening myself up to that kind of hurt. I barely survived it when you died, Sensei... I couldn't handle it again. Iruka's changed me, I won't deny that, but not enough. If he got hurt... if he died- I couldn't handle it again!" He shook his head violently and shuddered. "That's the worst I've ever felt. When you all died... I've never felt worse than that. I- I can't open myself up to that risk again. I won't do that! I won't be that stupid! I won't get close to him; it'll end up tearing me apart again! Don't ask me to do that! I can't, I can't!"
Kakashi, you have to calm down-
"Easy for you to say, Rin!" he snapped, whirling on the stone. "You're not the one who... god, I'm sorry." He bowed his head and raked his hands through his hair again, staring at the muddy ground and feeling himself shake so hard he might fall apart. "I'm so sorry for being such a disappointment like this. But... I can't do this. I... I just can't."
What about Iruka? Is that fair to him? Don't even give him a chance because you're too afraid?
"Obito, that's not what's going on here and you know it."
Isn't it? You're going to tell him no because you're too afraid. Am I right? Well, Kakashi?"
"Yes!" he hissed. His hands curled up into fists so tight he could feel his fingernails even through the gloves. "Yes, that's why! It's because I'm afraid! Scared! You want to make fun of me for that? Fine, go ahead- it won't change anything. I'm not risking this. It's too dangerous."
Risking what, exactly? Kakashi, Iruka didn't confess his love for you. He didn't ask you to marry him. He just said he liked you. That doesn't mean anything serious. Do you think your friends Genma and Raidou just snapped their fingers and became as close as they are? Do you think Kushina and I just looked at each other and fell in love? Those kinds of things take time. Even if you decided to pursue this with Iruka, it wouldn't mean any immediate changes.
"...But it's dangerous, Sensei. It's- I don't want to risk it. Even if it doesn't mean anything immediate- it could still mean something, someday. Opening myself up to that kind of loss again- I can't do it. I... I wouldn't be able to survive it again." Kakashi shook his head slowly, almost uncertainly, then with more conviction. "No. I won't."
Then you'll just live the rest of your life like this. Alone. Is that what you want, Kakashi? I certainly don't want that for you. We ALL died for you and this village. We didn't leave you behind so your only relationship and happiness would be found with this stone. We wanted you to have a life. To be HAPPY. Take this chance! Take it!
Kakashi ignored Obito as best as he could.
It didn't help that his friend was right.
But...
"Obito... I'm sorry. But I just can't. I wish you all had lived instead of me; you all could take Iruka up on his offer. You all could be happy. I'm just wasting the chance you gave me."
Then stop wasting it! Take a chance with him! You don't know that it'll end in heartbreak!
"But I do!" he exploded. "It always does, Rin! Every single time I get close to someone, that is how it ends up! I'm not going to risk it again!"
You don't know that's how it will end with him, Kakashi. You could find everything you've ever wanted.
He shook his head bitterly. "And I could end up falling apart again. Have another go, Sensei."
Kakashi, we're serious. We want you to do this. Having someone care about you, and you care about them, the way Kushina and I were- it's indescribable. It's the best feeling in the world. You deserve to experience that. We WANT you to be that happy. Even with the risk it carries... it's worth it.
"And that's the pivotal question, isn't it?" Kakashi's murmured question was soft, and he stared sightlessly to the ground. He could almost imagine Minato's face right now, calm and expectant and- and hopeful. Hopeful that he would make the right decision. But that was something he had never been able to do. "Whether experiencing the best feeling in the world is worth risking the worst feeling in the world."
And you're biased, Rin piped up. Because you've only gone through the worst- never the best. So you just assume it will end in what you know. But what if you're wrong, Kakashi? What if it ends up making you happier than you ever thought you could be?
Risk it! Obito implored. Don't make me call you a coward in the afterlife. Iruka is good for you, and he could be even better if you just let it happen. You know how good your teams make you feel? Your friends? Multiply that by a thousand! It's WORTH IT, Kakashi.
Obito and Rin are right. You know they are, Kakashi. Would you give up the experience of knowing us, of being our friend, if it meant you never had to go through the pain of our deaths? I already know your answer is no. Be willing to try it again with Iruka. Just because it ended badly with us doesn't mean it will with him- and even if it does, it will have been worth it. And if he does die- he'll join us and be waiting for you.
"B-but... I don't want more people waiting for me... I..." Kakashi's protests sounded weak to his own ears, though, and his old team didn't buy it. They didn't even bother addressing it.
The question you should be asking yourself, Kakashi, is whether or not you could see yourself loving Iruka one day. Not anything else. Well? What about it? Can you see yourself loving Iruka one day?
That, Kakashi didn't know the answer to.
A jarring pain shot through his left arm, then, the discomfort associated more with memory than sensation, and he froze. A cold hand restricted his heart.
They want me back.
God, did his head hurt.
Iruka kept his eyes closed. The pain pulsated through his skull, reverberating throughout his entire body, and he just knew the sun was shining right at his eyes. Like some sadistic god out there had decided that the sun must always glare right at him anytime he woke up with a headache.
He slowly licked his dry lips, wincing at the awful taste in his mouth. He had vague memories of Mizuki, a bar, and waaaay too much alcohol, and based off his headache, that was absolutely right. He shifted, only to feel his stomach roil nauseatingly, and he decided to just stay still and hope that he wouldn't upset the fragile stabilitiy his stomach and head had found.
Iruka frowned inwardly, as actually moving any part of his facial muscles would be too much work. And would likely cause his headache to increase tenfold. As awful as he felt, and as vague as his memories were- he couldn't remember getting home. That was wrong. On the few occasions he'd gotten this drunk in the past, he had always had faint recollections of Izumo and Kotetsu helping him home. Not true, this time.
How had he gotten home?
This was bothering him. He decided he could ask Kakashi- surely he would know- but only if the jounin decided to come in here. Going out to the couch to speak with him was too much work.
But, speaking of Kakashi...
He remembered something from last night. Silver hair was involved. But he'd been drinking with Mizuki, so that was probably him. But that didn't really look like Mizuki's hair. And why couldn't he remember anything other than hair?
Oh, there was something more. He had... he had... kissed someone? Oh, god, that was his lips and someone else's. Yeah, he had kissed someone.
He chuckled weakly, regretting it instantly when even that small movement made him wince. Thank god he'd been with Mizuki and not Kakashi. Even though he'd probably never hear the end of it now.. at least he didn't want to date Mizuki. Kissing Kakashi when he was that drunk sure wouldn't have won him any points.
It hadn't been a good kiss, he remembered idly. Mizuki hadn't even kissed back, and Iruka could recall it tasting like saliva and cloth. That was something like kissing a carpet.
Wait... cloth?
A mask?!
Oh god... then that means-
What have I done?!
Iruka moaned aloud in horror, thinking he rather deserved the increase it pain it garnered him. He had kissed Kakashi. While drunk out of his mind, so it could definitely be blamed on the alcohol, but- but-
God. If him asking out Kakashi wouldn't have come across as creepy before, it certainly would now, after he'd just drunkenly sexually molested him.
His life sucked.
Iruka rose, eyes shut firmly as he stumbled through his dark apartment. He half hoped Kakashi wouldn't be here, or would somehow sleep through all the noise was making, because this confrontation wasn't one he was looking forward to at all. If he was lucky, he had dreamed the whole thing up in a drunken stupor, and would be met with nothing more than the jounin grinning and chastising him for drinking too much- but there was no way. Talk about impossible.
"Kakashi?" he called, half hesitant, half hopeful. He kept his eyes closed and rubbed his aching head, taking another shaking step. "...Kakashi? Where are you?"
There was no reply.
Iruka tentatively cracked an eye open. There was no one in his sight. He turned towards Kakashi's futon, but it didn't appear slept in. He turned around again, but there was no sign of the jounin anywhere.
"Kakashi?" he called again, his anxiety increasing. "Are you here?" Headache forgotten now, he moved around his apartment, searching in vain for the older man. "Kakashi!"
Iruka finally came upon a short note left for him in the kitchen, written in a familiar scrawl, with words that made his heart clench.
Iruka-
Have a mission. Be back in a few days. We need to talk then.
-Kakashi
A... a mission?
Iruka stumbled back faintly to sit down, resting his head in his hands. A mission... Kakashi has... a mission?
Kakashi hadn't taken a mission in months. As far as he knew, the man wasn't even medically cleared yet for the kinds of work he normally did. And he hadn't exactly been jumping to get back to work; sure, he'd been glad to get back to training a couple of weeks ago, but there was a difference between finally being able to exercise his prodigious strengths and signing up to use them to kill people.
And the note said that they needed to talk...
Iruka groaned.
That proved it. There was no way he had hallucinated anything that had happened, dreamt it up it some perverse form of wish fulfillment. It had happened. He had kissed Kakashi.
And the fact that now was the time Kakashi had decided to go on a mission again was no coincidence, either.
God, what have I done?
Part of him wanted to just go out there and hit the idiot jounin, tell him that running away wasn't going to solve anything, and he at least deserved the courtesy of a dammed no instead of silence like this.
Another part of him wanted to go back in time and stop himself from ever tossing himself in a drunken, shameless kiss at the man, because if ever there was a way to scare someone off, that was it.
At least I didn't try and confess my undying love for him or something, he thought with a shudder. That would have been the absolute worst thing he could've ever done. Thank god he didn't have any stupid feelings besides budding, new affections- nothing horribly embarrassing. Just a surefire way to ruin a friendship, that was all.
God, Kakashi... you better come back safe so I can kill you for this.