Letters From a Dead Man
To Kon:
I lied to you. I said that I would never use you... not like the others you know here in the Hub. But I did end up using you. I took advantage of the fact that you didn't want to give up on me. I could be as horrible to you as I wanted, and you would never walk away. It isn't in your nature, is it? As long as I was still alive, still redeemable, you would never give up on me.
As long as I was still redeemable.
I blew up Arkham Asylum in my world. I killed a dozen Parasites in as many worlds. Scarecrow. Mad Hatter. Two-Face. Poison Ivy. Black Mask. Trickster. Zsasz. And I was still redeemable to you. But I'll tell you a secret, Kon. One more secret, one more cruelty to you...
I hated doing it. Every single person I ever killed. I hated it. And I hated myself. I knew that there was no redemption for me. Every time I killed... it made me feel worse than when I worked the streets. I hadn't thought that possible, but it was. It is.
There are two versions of Match, used for the pollen-testing, who are still alive. Just two, out of the dozens I found. The first of those two... his life was bad. I took away from that world to another universe. A universe that he could make better, I hope. The second of those two... he called you brother. He volunteered. So I was able to finish everything with him and his Kon. They have the neutralizing agent in their universe now. So even if you never use it, it's out there. It wasn't all in vain.
I can't ask you to do anything. I don't have the right.
But it wasn't your fault. It never was. And I'm not worth crying over.
I'm sorry.
To Jay:
I'm sorry I couldn't be the brother you deserve. I'm sorry I caused you so much pain.
I know that you want to save every one of us (Jason or not) who wanders into the Hub all broken and hating. I hope you know that's not always possible.
But I am grateful that you tried. You can't blame yourself, because this wasn't "your" failure. It was mine. I didn't want help, no matter how much you tried to convince me to accept it.
Do I owe you less explanation, or more? Is this something you can understand, even without me writing it down... putting in to words how much Dick meant to me? I hope you can't. I hope you can't, so you never have to feel the way I felt... waking up every goddamn day to realize over and over "he's gone, he's dead, he's never coming back". Sometimes I wake up screaming from a nightmare and reach for him, and it feels like something reaches into my chest and tears out my heart when he's not there. He's not there because fucking Parasite killed him, he's not there because Jasmine dragged back his dead body, he's not there because I made everything look like one of the Bludhaven gangs had killed police officer Dick Grayson. The last time I held him he was dead and cold and I can't get it out of my mind.
I can barely remember the good times we had. It's all pain. I hope you never love someone the way I love him, because it destroys me every moment that he's not here.
I'm so sorry. But if you're reading this, the pain just got to be too much for me. And there wasn't anything that anybody could do to make it less for me.
I know you tried. Thank you for trying.
To Dick:
For whatever it's worth...
I'm sorry that I ever caused you pain. I'm sorry that everything got fucked up between us, and I'm sorry that I couldn't be fair to you. Every time I looked at you, I saw him -- my Dick, the one who died. And it hurt but I couldn't stop hanging around and eventually I hurt you.
This wasn't your fault. This is all on me, selfish bastard that I am.
To Bruce:
There wasn't anything that could be done for me. You know that you can only help the people who want it. And I didn't have it in me to want it.
But I wish things could have been different. You're a good man and a good father, and I wish that my Bruce was more like you.
To Connor:
Thank you for the kindness you showed me.
To Tiffany:
I've hated you ever since I met you. But I can't fault you for the things you've done. If things were finished, I would have let you kill me. But I couldn't leave them unfinished.
I have no excuses. Take care of Kon.
To Kara:
This package contains the airborne agent that will neutralize Ivy pollen. Included are my notes on the experiments -- cleaned up and with my rambling excised -- and a breakdown of both the pollen and its neutralizing agent. Use it, or don't, as you see fit.
[[OOC: Thank you to everyone whose characters interacted with Hate!Jason while he was around. Feel free to do as you will with these letters (and in Kara's case, a package). Comments on this entry are welcome.]]
I lied to you. I said that I would never use you... not like the others you know here in the Hub. But I did end up using you. I took advantage of the fact that you didn't want to give up on me. I could be as horrible to you as I wanted, and you would never walk away. It isn't in your nature, is it? As long as I was still alive, still redeemable, you would never give up on me.
As long as I was still redeemable.
I blew up Arkham Asylum in my world. I killed a dozen Parasites in as many worlds. Scarecrow. Mad Hatter. Two-Face. Poison Ivy. Black Mask. Trickster. Zsasz. And I was still redeemable to you. But I'll tell you a secret, Kon. One more secret, one more cruelty to you...
I hated doing it. Every single person I ever killed. I hated it. And I hated myself. I knew that there was no redemption for me. Every time I killed... it made me feel worse than when I worked the streets. I hadn't thought that possible, but it was. It is.
There are two versions of Match, used for the pollen-testing, who are still alive. Just two, out of the dozens I found. The first of those two... his life was bad. I took away from that world to another universe. A universe that he could make better, I hope. The second of those two... he called you brother. He volunteered. So I was able to finish everything with him and his Kon. They have the neutralizing agent in their universe now. So even if you never use it, it's out there. It wasn't all in vain.
I can't ask you to do anything. I don't have the right.
But it wasn't your fault. It never was. And I'm not worth crying over.
I'm sorry.
To Jay:
I'm sorry I couldn't be the brother you deserve. I'm sorry I caused you so much pain.
I know that you want to save every one of us (Jason or not) who wanders into the Hub all broken and hating. I hope you know that's not always possible.
But I am grateful that you tried. You can't blame yourself, because this wasn't "your" failure. It was mine. I didn't want help, no matter how much you tried to convince me to accept it.
Do I owe you less explanation, or more? Is this something you can understand, even without me writing it down... putting in to words how much Dick meant to me? I hope you can't. I hope you can't, so you never have to feel the way I felt... waking up every goddamn day to realize over and over "he's gone, he's dead, he's never coming back". Sometimes I wake up screaming from a nightmare and reach for him, and it feels like something reaches into my chest and tears out my heart when he's not there. He's not there because fucking Parasite killed him, he's not there because Jasmine dragged back his dead body, he's not there because I made everything look like one of the Bludhaven gangs had killed police officer Dick Grayson. The last time I held him he was dead and cold and I can't get it out of my mind.
I can barely remember the good times we had. It's all pain. I hope you never love someone the way I love him, because it destroys me every moment that he's not here.
I'm so sorry. But if you're reading this, the pain just got to be too much for me. And there wasn't anything that anybody could do to make it less for me.
I know you tried. Thank you for trying.
To Dick:
For whatever it's worth...
I'm sorry that I ever caused you pain. I'm sorry that everything got fucked up between us, and I'm sorry that I couldn't be fair to you. Every time I looked at you, I saw him -- my Dick, the one who died. And it hurt but I couldn't stop hanging around and eventually I hurt you.
This wasn't your fault. This is all on me, selfish bastard that I am.
To Bruce:
There wasn't anything that could be done for me. You know that you can only help the people who want it. And I didn't have it in me to want it.
But I wish things could have been different. You're a good man and a good father, and I wish that my Bruce was more like you.
To Connor:
Thank you for the kindness you showed me.
To Tiffany:
I've hated you ever since I met you. But I can't fault you for the things you've done. If things were finished, I would have let you kill me. But I couldn't leave them unfinished.
I have no excuses. Take care of Kon.
To Kara:
This package contains the airborne agent that will neutralize Ivy pollen. Included are my notes on the experiments -- cleaned up and with my rambling excised -- and a breakdown of both the pollen and its neutralizing agent. Use it, or don't, as you see fit.
[[OOC: Thank you to everyone whose characters interacted with Hate!Jason while he was around. Feel free to do as you will with these letters (and in Kara's case, a package). Comments on this entry are welcome.]]