(no subject)
I'm so fucking tired of them.
"I just can't see what you've accomplished?!!!" "You have ONE class."
They bring me down more than anyone in my entire life ever has. I have been sick for almost two weeks now, throwing up STILL and I don't know what's wrong with me. I don't care anymore. I slept today because I still don't feel good and THAT gets thrown in my face also. It doesn't matter that I'm getting a job to take care of my responsibilities.
I'm not "talking shit" about her. Just saying what she says to me ALL THE TIME without respect for me at all. I just can't take it anymore. Once I get a part-time job at the mall I'm going to see about getting another job, and then even a night job. So that they will never bitch about my being "irresponsible" again. Hell, they won't even SEE me...so I suppose that will make them a lot happier!!! I'll just have tuesdays off as my school day, one day for one class. If a day off is okay with them too, I might as well check with that. I was on unemployment for a few months. Is that alright? Do I have to be doing something every single month? And my working at Hot Topic is such a tramatic change. It is how I feel comfortable dressing. If you're going to sit there and judge me because I LIKE to dress goth sometimes, well you're not much different than most of the people you hate that judge you. Who the hell cares if I dress how I want to dress. So-called "conforming."
I t
i s
a
j o b.
I'm going to do what I have to do to get it. And from talking to a friend I realized that there is NOTHING WRONG WITH THAT. How do you think people get promotions at big corporations? Or get into graduate or medical school? Con-damn-forming.
Jess, if you can sit there and vent about chris or bitch about dan...you can honestly take a little bitching from me. Because you don't make those entries private out of respect for those people. So you know what? I don't care if you say that it looks bad on me...because I am a person and I have feelings too!!! I'm sorry if I have nothing but negativity from you and that you are always kicking me down. Lets join in with mom on this one!!! Ya'll are so damn good about never saying a damn kind word about me! It doesn't even fucking matter that I'm fixing my situation with College myself. It's ok, because I'm SO DAMN IRRESPONSIBLE. I have every right to be upset and every right to get it out. Just like you can vent about dans parents kicking you out too.
You never have anything good to say about me. I write in my journal all the time "Jess is so inspiring to me." "I wish I was more like Jess." And try to be your friend as much as possible.
"You're pissing your life away."
It's ok, I'm not allowed to put my feelings in my own livejournal. It's "disrespect."
Well, I'm going to apologize for "disrespecting you." But you're not going to dictate to me what I can or can't put in my journal. If no one likes it...don't fucking read it.
Now I'm going to get ready for class in tears and sick still...and even more stressed out because I had someone reminding me of how practically worthless I am. Thank you. I love you.
Hows this for the loving amazing wonderful jess? She gets upset with me and starts to take the guitar she let me use for lessons out of my room...the keyboard thats in my room...
Because she needed them so bad when she was living at Dan's house.
Do you even fucking care that I'd like to learn because I have to play piano at Stetson?
I'll just have to wait until I pay off all my debt to save up and buy my own instruments...because Jess is way too responsible compared to me, but not being immature at all in the fact that because someone does something that isn't YOUR WAY, or what you think is "disrespectful" you are so damn quick to retaliate.
"They were 2 and a half hours late with lunch break..." You know, people have problems in life. It's just the way it is. And I would be 100% willing to listen to you if you treated me like a fucking person instead of some freaking moron off the street. You bitch at me about being late for class, yet HOW MANY TIMES ARE YOU LATE TO CLASS?!?!?! HOW MANY TIMES HAVE YOU EVER BEEN LATE TO CLASS?!?! But yet again...you have a baby. So that is your ultimate excuse. FOR EVERYTHING. Ever had a problem in the past 6 & a half months? Just retort that you have a baby and so many responsibilities and Damn!!! Whoever made you feel like shit got served huh?
Yeah, sure...having a baby is hard. Working is hard. But you know what? You put yourself in that position. You got pregnant...so you have to deal with it. Instead of using her as your cop-out for every fucking thing wrong in your life or every time you get upset...why don't you just try looking from other people's eyes. EVERYONE IS GOING THROUGH A HARD TIME OR SOME SORT OF PROBLEM. They deal with it. Just like I'm using this to deal with my emotions about you. I love you more than I love anyone in this entire world and your approval means the world to me. Having you think well of me, be proud of me...tell me anything good about myself means everything to me. I love you so much and if you ever need anything I will be there for you, I'll sit with you if you need to cry. I'll babysit for you. I just wish for once that you would understand that it's not so easy to find a job. I'm sorry I screwed up and didn't fight it, I just thought that unemployment would be enough to prove that being fired was not my fault. But I screwed up a lot in the past.
What do you want me to do. Stand on the roof with my arms out and scream "I fucked up" at the top of my lungs? Is that what you need to hear? Because I know that. Pretty damn obvious. I don't need yet another person in my life to tell me that. I need someone to stand behind me and say "I'm glad you have an interview this week" Hell a "I hope you get the job" would even fucking rock! How about bringing up things in the past that are actually pretty damn good? Like great accomplishments? But no one ever does that. It's always negativity. How about taking dual enrollment when I was a junior in high school. Getting straight A's and graduating with High Honors, National Honors Society, etc. Homecoming? Anything! But no. Just go ahead and dish out all the things that you're not proud of me about. I'll always remember that when I'm finally out of this hole. What people REALLY stood behind me the entire time I was going through this. Who didn't have to bring me down to get me to get off my ass and do something.
I have to go to class, now that I just sat here and threw up again.
lol...that's funny. A guy that I just met over the weekend cares more about my health than my own family. A friend I've had for years but just really started to talk to cares more about my health than my own sister.
I can't stop crying. I'll probably have to pull off the side of the road on the way to class to throw up again. I woke up this morning and threw up after James went to work. I didn't tell anyone though. Who fucking cares?
"I thought this was the class you 'love' and you're going to be late for it." At least I'm going to make it there. I love the material, hell I've practically read the entire book already, reading several chapters at least twice. But that's not my dedication to class. Who...fucking...knew.
I just want to be happy god damnit! Will you let me? Or will you keep dragging me down!!!!?
I'm just going to read all the thoughts that make me happy again because I really need to.
Words to live by:
1. Being kind is more important than being right. (This is #1 because I try to use this one the most.)
2. Be an opener of doors for such as come after thee, and do not try to make the universe a blind alley. (Ralph Waldo Emerson)
3. Dare to reach out your hand into the darkness, to pull another hand into the light. (Norman B. Rice)
4. Do not repeat anything you will not sign your name to.
People mess up. They make mistakes...but the most important thing is that we learn from them, and we can be forgiven for them.
5. The best test of good manners is being able to put up pleasantly with bad ones. (Farmers Almanac)
6. A good man is kinder to his enemy, than bad men to their friends. ***I suppose we all need to work on this one, and I'm embarrassed by the way I act about certain people. It's just that judgemental people unnerve me, but I suppose that by letting it get to me and making my remarks, I'm just as bad as them. I hope I can fix it. But, one can always fix things and become a better person. There's always hope.***
7. Gossip needn't be false to be evil - there's a lot of truth that shouldn't be passed around. (Frank A. Clark)
8. Pray that each day you will be strong enough not to hurt anybody.
9. If you judge people, you have no time to love them. There's always something to be loved.
10. Live each day in a way that will make you feel good about yourself tomorrow.
11. You can't live a perfect day without doing something for someone who will never be able to repay you. (John Wooden)
**Jeremy....this is Jeremy....100%. Always doing things for people who can never repay him.***
12. Silent company is often more healing than words of advice.
13. No one is more cherished in this world than someone who lightens the burden of another.
Jeremy, thank you for listening to me for so long tonight. I love you so much! No one in this whole world understands me like you do, you're my best friend. (I know you don't really read this, but maybe you might!) I'll never forget that you believed in me...even when I didn't believe in myself.
14. Our prime purpose in this life is to help others. And if you can't help them, at least don't hurt them. (The Dalai Lama)
***I <3 Rachel. Not only are you a kind friend who has never hurt me, you've inspired me so much!***
15. Real generosity is doing something nice for someone who will never find out.
16. Sometimes all a person needs is a hand to hold and a heart to understand.
-With loving thoughts to two important people. (I know ya'll read my journal. lol Glad you're together. )-
17. Strive to be first: first to nod, first to smile, first to compliment and first to forgive.
18. That best portion of a good man's life, His little, nameless, unremembered acts Of kindness and of love (William Wordsworth)
19. To handle yourself, use your head; to handle others, use your heart.
20. Before you give someone a piece of your mind, make sure you can get by with what is left. >>Jen...remember this one!!!!!! lol *smacks forehead*
21. The best remedy for a short temper is a long walk.
22. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
23. For every minute you are angry, you lose sixty seconds of happiness. (Ralph Waldo Emerson)
24. Ever notice how the people who tell you to calm down are the ones who got you mad in the first place? hahahaha!
25. You never learn anything in life from a man who agrees with you. *Jess...hehehe I love you. And we never agree on anything. So I love you even more. I learn from you every day.*
26. If you are patient in one moment of anger, you will escape a hundred days of sorrow. (Chinese Proverb)
27. The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong. (Mahatma Gandhi)
28. Never ruin an apology with an excuse. (Kimberly Johnson)
29. Holding a grudge is letting someone live rent free in your head.
30. Could a greater miracle take place than for us to look through each other's eyes for an instant? (Henry David Thoreau)
32. Enjoy the little things, for one day you may look back and realize they were the big things. (Robert Brault)
33. God gave you a gift of 86,400 seconds today. Have you used one to say "thank you?" (William A. Ward)
34. The next time you feel like complaining, remember that your garbage disposal probably eats better than 30% of the people in the world. ***Rachel, this is something I saw and thought you would say. hehehe =) 143! ***
