written journal entry.
[private; paper journal.]
On the list of things I did not intend to reveal in chat tonight: my total lack of experience! But I got comfortable, which was...new. And nice, because no one was particularly weird about it at least to my face--Harry was pretty reassuring (I like him, I don't know him that well) and John was...drunkenly kind about it (still need to talk to him about those books). Enfys, of course, knew already. Although, I took the Lord's name in vain a few times, and the sex talk kind of bugged me--to be honest, I really just need to get used to it; it's possible to be around that without being affected, right? I don't need to start questioning things now when it's all going reasonably well. The lock-in was fun, we didn't see anything thank you God and it seems like I'm getting to talk to different people than last semester, so that's good!
Enfys thinks I ought to just find someone new to focus on instead of fussing about whether you-know-who looks at me like a contemporary instead of his kid sister type, and maybe she's right (she knows more about this than I do), but I don't want it to be whoever, you know? Not just whoever's cute and maybe interested. Because I watch too many movies, pretty much, and I know it's not really going to be that way when it happens, but still; nothing simple for me, ever. And I realize I am completely spoiled when one of the bigger dramas of my life is what boy doesn't like me back, so I'd better be grateful for that, no matter how flustered I feel. I'm lucky. I am, however, also a little picky, and I don't think I'd be happy with someone who couldn't keep up with me intellectually--God forgive me, that sounds really arrogant, doesn't it? I can do better with that. It doesn't matter, anyway, because I have so many other things on my plate right now.
Also! Enfys has a boyfriend now. I'm really happy for her! He's new, named Garion (everyone but Enfys calls him Gary), kind of staggered by her I think, and it happened so fast that I'm not entirely sure what's going on there. Is that normal? Do people really just kind of fall into place like that all the time? It's cool to watch, if that's the case, but I can't see it going that cleanly for me, more intensely and a little frightening. I'm too over-analytical, I second-guess myself too much, because my instincts are never the Christian thing. It's an uphill battle, I guess.
It was interesting, if a little troubling, talking to Emerson...he's a really nice guy and has so many talents, but strikes me as so conflicted. I want to say to him how there's such a thing as actually getting some peace in a screwed-up situation, but talking about what God has to offer isn't always the best thing in every conversation. I don't want to push him away if he hasn't really talked to anyone before--and for that matter, I'm not sure I'm the best qualified person for this, but I want to do my best. This is what I'm here for, as much as I can be.
And lastly...I don't know about this. My dad went to a bar tonight. He never does that, and seeing him kind of intoxicated was...weird, disconcerting, all of that, but he's grown and it's natural it would happen at least once in my life. I just wish I knew something I could do for him. He hates his job, and his boss is some punk kid who's half his age but thinks he knows everything--and dad doesn't know I know that, but I overhear his conversations with mom and Karen. Enfys and I came up with the idea of making him a bench for when he's tooling around in the apartment garage, since the other one got lost with the move. Maybe it'll cheer him up and he won't go out again, I don't know. Mom didn't seem bothered, so maybe I'm just easily unsettled.
...okay, that is not news, is it.
Anyway, this has been the longest entry ever, so I'm going to go back to the internet and write something on LJ. Possibly it'll even be something interesting, you never know.
On the list of things I did not intend to reveal in chat tonight: my total lack of experience! But I got comfortable, which was...new. And nice, because no one was particularly weird about it at least to my face--Harry was pretty reassuring (I like him, I don't know him that well) and John was...drunkenly kind about it (still need to talk to him about those books). Enfys, of course, knew already. Although, I took the Lord's name in vain a few times, and the sex talk kind of bugged me--to be honest, I really just need to get used to it; it's possible to be around that without being affected, right? I don't need to start questioning things now when it's all going reasonably well. The lock-in was fun, we didn't see anything thank you God and it seems like I'm getting to talk to different people than last semester, so that's good!
Enfys thinks I ought to just find someone new to focus on instead of fussing about whether you-know-who looks at me like a contemporary instead of his kid sister type, and maybe she's right (she knows more about this than I do), but I don't want it to be whoever, you know? Not just whoever's cute and maybe interested. Because I watch too many movies, pretty much, and I know it's not really going to be that way when it happens, but still; nothing simple for me, ever. And I realize I am completely spoiled when one of the bigger dramas of my life is what boy doesn't like me back, so I'd better be grateful for that, no matter how flustered I feel. I'm lucky. I am, however, also a little picky, and I don't think I'd be happy with someone who couldn't keep up with me intellectually--God forgive me, that sounds really arrogant, doesn't it? I can do better with that. It doesn't matter, anyway, because I have so many other things on my plate right now.
Also! Enfys has a boyfriend now. I'm really happy for her! He's new, named Garion (everyone but Enfys calls him Gary), kind of staggered by her I think, and it happened so fast that I'm not entirely sure what's going on there. Is that normal? Do people really just kind of fall into place like that all the time? It's cool to watch, if that's the case, but I can't see it going that cleanly for me, more intensely and a little frightening. I'm too over-analytical, I second-guess myself too much, because my instincts are never the Christian thing. It's an uphill battle, I guess.
It was interesting, if a little troubling, talking to Emerson...he's a really nice guy and has so many talents, but strikes me as so conflicted. I want to say to him how there's such a thing as actually getting some peace in a screwed-up situation, but talking about what God has to offer isn't always the best thing in every conversation. I don't want to push him away if he hasn't really talked to anyone before--and for that matter, I'm not sure I'm the best qualified person for this, but I want to do my best. This is what I'm here for, as much as I can be.
And lastly...I don't know about this. My dad went to a bar tonight. He never does that, and seeing him kind of intoxicated was...weird, disconcerting, all of that, but he's grown and it's natural it would happen at least once in my life. I just wish I knew something I could do for him. He hates his job, and his boss is some punk kid who's half his age but thinks he knows everything--and dad doesn't know I know that, but I overhear his conversations with mom and Karen. Enfys and I came up with the idea of making him a bench for when he's tooling around in the apartment garage, since the other one got lost with the move. Maybe it'll cheer him up and he won't go out again, I don't know. Mom didn't seem bothered, so maybe I'm just easily unsettled.
...okay, that is not news, is it.
Anyway, this has been the longest entry ever, so I'm going to go back to the internet and write something on LJ. Possibly it'll even be something interesting, you never know.