ugh
depressed tonight, probably partly from exhaustion but partly just.. y'know, depressed. feeling useless and sad, and not good enough. my least favourite feeling in the world. honestly I would probably rather be going through yesterday again, and oh internet, let me tell you about my yesterday.
I keep stupid hours. I know this. it's bad for me. okay. so, Saturday night/Sunday morning, 6 AM, I'm finally thinking "fuck, I should sleep." I'd been feeling kinda shitty but I figured I was just tired, and crouched weirdly over my laptop, and I'd be fine if I went to bed.
So I stretch out to try to sleep... and the pain won't stop. shift around, nothing. try to massage it.. seems to be internal, not muscle-related. um.
Then it starts getting worse. then I start thinking "fuck, which side is the appendix on?"
Internet, it was not my appendix. but to discover this, I had to go to the hospital, because by the time I got out of bed I was in so much pain I could barely breathe.
So after scaring the hell out of my parents, turns out it was kidney stones. Which is utterly fucking stupid and unbelievably painful. They doped me up, at first, with Dilaudid, which made me lol because Criminal Minds. that was great and floaty for about twenty minutes and then it was like HEY EXCEPT COULD YOU GIVE ME MORE BECAUSE FUCKING OW which was not so awesome.
anyway. so then finally home with the good drugs, and then I slept for about a billion years. I am told I was whimpering in pain in my sleep but mostly I slept through it so hell whatever.
And here and now, I would rather be back to that, because at least with that I could pop a pill and close my eyes and it would take care of itself. this? not so much.
I hate feeling like this. I hate that there's really nothing I can do for it. I don't even really want to sleep- I'm kind of tired, I guess, but not hugely and I just.. I don't know, I don't want to think what I'll dream about I guess. I don't know.
god, what a pointless, useless post. at least now LJ gets to know the story of my stupid Sunday! it was shit, the end.
Sometimes I am not a huge fan of me.
I keep stupid hours. I know this. it's bad for me. okay. so, Saturday night/Sunday morning, 6 AM, I'm finally thinking "fuck, I should sleep." I'd been feeling kinda shitty but I figured I was just tired, and crouched weirdly over my laptop, and I'd be fine if I went to bed.
So I stretch out to try to sleep... and the pain won't stop. shift around, nothing. try to massage it.. seems to be internal, not muscle-related. um.
Then it starts getting worse. then I start thinking "fuck, which side is the appendix on?"
Internet, it was not my appendix. but to discover this, I had to go to the hospital, because by the time I got out of bed I was in so much pain I could barely breathe.
So after scaring the hell out of my parents, turns out it was kidney stones. Which is utterly fucking stupid and unbelievably painful. They doped me up, at first, with Dilaudid, which made me lol because Criminal Minds. that was great and floaty for about twenty minutes and then it was like HEY EXCEPT COULD YOU GIVE ME MORE BECAUSE FUCKING OW which was not so awesome.
anyway. so then finally home with the good drugs, and then I slept for about a billion years. I am told I was whimpering in pain in my sleep but mostly I slept through it so hell whatever.
And here and now, I would rather be back to that, because at least with that I could pop a pill and close my eyes and it would take care of itself. this? not so much.
I hate feeling like this. I hate that there's really nothing I can do for it. I don't even really want to sleep- I'm kind of tired, I guess, but not hugely and I just.. I don't know, I don't want to think what I'll dream about I guess. I don't know.
god, what a pointless, useless post. at least now LJ gets to know the story of my stupid Sunday! it was shit, the end.
Sometimes I am not a huge fan of me.