[fic] Fatal Pride (Stargate: Atlantis, John/Elizabeth) [R]
Title: Fatal Pride
Author: havocthecat
Rating: R
Pairing: Sheppard/Weir (and AU Sheppard/Weir/Heightmeyer)
Author's Notes: Written for atlantisfan101 for the 2006 Sheppard/Weir Ficathon. The prompt was "J + E get sent to different universes, learn
something about themselves and relationships in other parallel 'verses." I owe amitee and medie massively for betareading and feedbacking, and encouragement.
"Avarice, envy, pride,
Three fatal sparks, have set the hearts of all
On Fire."
--Dante Alighieri, The Divine Comedy
Lucius was pacing in the prison cell, mumbling to himself and wringing his hands together. When the door opened, he jumped and whirled around to face Dr. Weir. His charming smile popped into place, only to falter at the cold look in her eyes and the set expression of her mouth. "E--Elizabeth?" he said, walking towards her, hands outstretched. "I'm so sorry. I only wanted--"
She slapped him, her open palm cracking against his cheek. "Quiet," ordered Dr. Weir, as Lucius fell back, cradling his cheek in his hand.
Colonel Sheppard had followed her in. He was waiting outside the cell, leaning casually on the wall behind her. He chuckled. "Getting started early?" he asked.
"Kate asked for him," said Dr. Weir, her glance flickering to Colonel Sheppard briefly. "I thought I'd come and let Lucius in on our plans. Why are you here?"
"I wanted to check out the interrogation," drawled Colonel Sheppard. He shifted his weight, his posture lazy and relaxed. "Didn't realize you were going to give your girlfriend an early Christmas present instead."
"Kate?" Lucius looked over at Colonel Sheppard, then back at Dr. Weir, backing up slowly. "The blonde girl? The doctor?"
"He's slow," commented Colonel Sheppard idly. The blue light washing over his face made his grin eerie. "He's not even worried yet."
Dr. Weir rolled her eyes. "I told you to get out of my sight, John," she said.
"Yeah, but I'm so bad at following orders," he said, grinning at her.
"We'll have to see what we can do about that." Dr. Weir's expression didn't change as she stared at Lucius, whose eyes widened when Colonel Sheppard frowned. "Now, Lucius, let's--" Dr. Weir sighed briefly as her headset went off, then tapped the earpiece. "This is Weir."
Chuck's voice was anxious. "I've got an unscheduled offworld activation, ma'am," he said.
"Do we have an IDC code?" asked Dr. Weir, whirling and exiting the cell, then the outer room. Colonel Sheppard fell into step with her, glancing at Dr. Weir with a questioning look. She ignored him, waiting for Chuck's answer.
"It's Colonel Sheppard's, ma'am," said Chuck. "But he's on Atlantis."
Dr. Weir tilted her head, glancing consideringly over at Colonel Sheppard. "Let him through," she said. "And call Major Lorne for security. We're on our way."
"What's up?" asked Colonel Sheppard, shedding his air of laziness as Dr. Weir's pace picked up.
Dr. Weir smiled at him, the gleam in her eyes excited. "Looks like you're on your way to Atlantis," she said.
Colonel Sheppard drew back slightly. "What?"
***
The briefing room was a much more pleasant place than Atlantis' prison cells, which is where they'd been in the last universe. When Elizabeth looked up and saw herself walk in, her eyes widened slightly and she leaned forward, uncomfortably curious. "Well," she said, studying her other self, who was doing the same. "I guess that explains why Major Lorne wouldn't let me go directly to my quarters. I'd hoped we'd finally made it to our universe."
"Oh, boy," said John and--well, Colonel Sheppard, she supposed.
Elizabeth glanced at John, sitting next to her, then at herself. Dr. Weir--she couldn't think of her as Elizabeth--met her eyes calmly, having also cast a glance at Colonel Sheppard, who was still standing next to her.
"Oh, great," said Lorne. "Want me to get Dr. McKay?"
"Do it, Major," said Dr. Weir, nodding at the door.
"I'm gone." Lorne back out of the room, throwing a worried glance at Dr. Weir and Colonel Sheppard as he went.
"Well," said Dr. Weir, closing the door to the briefing room behind her. "Any ideas how this happened?"
Elizabeth shrugged, her hands spread. "Unfortunately, no," she said. "We just walked through the gate--."
"--and now we're here," finished John.
Colonel Sheppard was slouched against the wall. "Sucks to be you," he said. "Maybe Rodney can get you out of here."
"Of course I can get them out of here," snapped Rodney, pushing open the briefing room door. "The question is what universe they're from in the first place. It'd be nice to get them to the right universe. "
"And it's good to see you too," murmured Colonel Sheppard. He rolled his eyes and jerked his head at Rodney, all the while looking at Dr. Weir. "Dr. McArrogant here says he can get them home."
Dr. Weir arched one eyebrow and crossed her arms. "And does Dr. McKnowItAll have ideas on how he can do that?"
"Of course he does," said Rodney, staring flatly at Colonel Sheppard.
"Good to know some things never change," drawled John.
Elizabeth suppressed a smile. "John," she said quellingly, hoping he couldn't hear the thread of humor in her voice.
"Look, you two need to come to my lab," said Rodney, gesturing at the door. "We'll get some quantum readings on you and see if we can match up you with your universe. And while we're doing that, you can tell me all about what idiot thing Sheppard did with Ancient technology to get you into this mess."
"I'll have them escort you to temporary quarters after Rodney is finished," said Dr. Weir. "Until we can find a way to get you home."
***
Hours later, Elizabeth walked into John's quarters and sat down heavily on the bed. "Well, that was exhausting," she said.
John turned his head from where he was laying to look over at her. "I talked me into lending myself War and Peace. I figure another five pages and I'll be out like a light."
"You're that tired?" asked Elizabeth, shifting so she was laying down next to him.
John closed his book and set it down. "I thought you were," he said. "You're not?"
"Mm." Elizabeth shrugged as she lay her hand on his chest. "I'm a little keyed up. Thinking about getting home and all."
"Hey, this universe actually has the other Ancient thingie we need," said John. "But don't you think it's a little odd?"
Elizabeth frowned. "Odd how?"
"Odd as in everyone's wearing leather pants." John pushed himself up so he was leaning on one elbow. "Doesn't that seem a little, I don't know. Weird."
"When I spoke with my counterpart, she said they're cut off from Earth." Elizabeth shrugged. "Leather is a more durable material."
"I think they might be bad guys." John glanced around. "You gotta admit, that's how it worked on Buffy the Vampire Slayer."
"John!" Elizabeth leaned forward, her voice quiet. "You cannot possibly be basing your assessment of our alternate selves' personalities on a teenage horror series!"
"Come on, Angel wore leather pants when he went evil!" John grimaced. "Look, just be careful, all right? I have a bad feeling about this place."
Elizabeth nodded. "It is a bit unsettling here, but I can't place my finger on why that is."
"Because they're evil." John nodded slowly. "Bet you ten dollars I'm right."
"If you're right, I suspect we're going to be happy at escaping with our lives." Elizabeth sighed. "I suppose it's time we started investigating on our own, isn't it?"
"I'll go snooping around tonight." John glanced at the door. "If they're anything like our Atlantis, the only people up at that hour are McKay, random scientists, and the Marines on overnight watch. Shouldn't be too tough to slip past them."
"They'll be expecting you," said Elizabeth. "Maybe I should go and snoop instead. I'm better at being nonchalant, and besides, Rodney still has a crush on me in this universe."
"He does not!" John leaned closer to Elizabeth. "Come on, McKay does not have a crush on you."
Elizabeth grinned. "Maybe he does, and you never noticed."
John scowled. "Does not." Elizabeth mouth opened, and he held up one finger. "Ah. Don't say it. And also, you can't scout around. It's not safe."
"Then it's not safe for you either. We'll find another way." Elizabeth's face was set.
"I'm doing it," said John.
"We'll both do it," said Elizabeth. This time it was her turn to hold up a finger when John's mouth opened. "No arguments."
John leaned forward and kissed her fingertip.
"John, you're not going to distract me--" Elizabeth's breath hitched as he nipped gently at her fingertip. "All right, you're going to distract me, but this conversation isn't over for good."
"Yes it is," said John, and Elizabeth shook her head and sighed. He leaned in and captured her mouth.
Elizabeth let her open palm rest against John's cheek as their kiss ended. "Do you think that it'll be late enough by the time we're done?" she asked.
"Don't know about you," said John. He grinned. "But I plan on this taking an awfully long time."
***
"They're going to know we're not them," whispered John. The lights in Atlantis were dimmed for the nighttime hours. "No leather pants."
"I highly doubt any version of Elizabeth Weir wears leather pajamas," hissed Elizabeth.
John paused. "No, I doubt any version of you does," he said slowly. "But I think many versions of you--especially version of you that's you, since you're the you I'm sleeping with--should."
"Be serious, John," said Elizabeth. "Also, try not to be so confusing."
"I'll be serious when we actually get to an occupied area of the city," whispered John. "Right now, I'm thinking you should pick up a pair of leather pants when we get home."
A soft thud caught their attention, and John raised one hand for silence. Elizabeth gave him a quiet, withering glare. They moved closer to the source of the sound, Elizabeth half a step in front of John. She reached back and put her hand on his chest, and he froze.
Someone moaned softly, and Elizabeth glanced back at John, her eyes wide.
'What?' he mouthed silently.
Elizabeth shook her head.
John rolled his eyes and leaned forward. He exhaled softly, then turned and met Elizabeth's gaze.
Elizabeth nodded, and he looked back. Dr. Weir was farther down the hallway, pressing Kate Heightmeyer against the wall. Their shirts were pushed up, and Kate's head was flung back, her mouth open and her hands tangled in Dr. Weir's hair, pulling Dr. Weir down to her breast. Colonel Sheppard was standing farther back, his breath rasping in the darkened hallway as he stared at them, arms crossed.
Elizabeth tugged on John's arm, and when he dragged his gaze back to her, she nodded back at the room. When John gave her the puppy eyes, she shook her head. John pouted, but turned to walk back with her.
When the door closed behind them, he leaned against it. "She's making out with Heightmeyer. Your counterpart in this universe likes girls. Doesn't that make me right? It makes her evil."
"John--" Elizabeth crossed her arms and shifted her weight minutely, her gaze flickering away. "Unlike some people, I know what monogamy means."
John stared at her for a minute, his mouth hanging open. "After we get home, will you make out with Heightmeyer and let me watch?"
"No!" Elizabeth took a deep breath, then let it out slowly. "Can we not get distracted by that?"
"Right." John ran one hand through his hair. "So, they're all evil. Or just really, really slutty. Do you think they're going to want to let us out of here?"
"If I were her?" Elizabeth crossed her arms and glanced coolly in the direction they'd come from. "I wouldn't want the competition."
"Right." John frowned. "Let's go find Rodney. He's almost exactly like our Rodney, and at this hour, I'm guessing he's going to be in his lab."
***
Rodney hadn't been in his labs. Or in the mess. Or his quarters, not to mention any of his usual haunts. He hadn't even been in the kitchen, raiding the food. "Why are we heading towards the brig again?" asked John.
Elizabeth shook her head. "I heard Teyla talking with Ronon. Apparently my counterpart has been monopolizing his time by having him help interrogate the prisoner."
"Sora?" John frowned. "If they were anything like us, they'd have given Sora back to the Genii ages ago."
"I don't know," said Elizabeth. They paused at a turn. John peered around the corner, then gestured Elizabeth forward. "But I got the impression they weren't talking about a woman."
"Huh." John turned the corner into the brig, then stopped. Lucius was tied down to a chair, bruises on his face, presumably from where Major Lorne had been hitting him. Rodney was talking to Carson and leaning over a tray of scalpels and syringes. "I was right. They're evil."
***
"Get them home, Rodney," snapped Dr. Weir. "Now. I don't care how you do it, I don't care if they're even alive when they make it there. I'm not taking the chance that their universe will touch on ours if they're searching for them."
"Yes, yes, because that's not what I've been working on all day," said Rodney. "You're the one who decided I should go torture Lucius a bit more. They wouldn't have suspected anything if you'd just let me stay in my lab."
John shrugged. "What can I say? We wanted to hurry the process along."
Ronon stood in front of him, arms crossed, and glared. "Shut up, Sheppard."
"Oh, and here I thought we were friends in this universe too," said John. "Come on, Ronon, give a guy a break, will you?"
"Just because you got the Wraith homing device out of my back doesn't make us friends," said Ronon.
"I'm a real asshole here, aren't I?" asked John, baring his teeth at Ronon in what was almost a grin.
Elizabeth and Teyla's eyes met in an irritated look. "I don't think it matters, John," said Elizabeth. Some things never changed.
"I am truly sorry, Elizabeth," said Teyla. "In this universe, we are friends, but I cannot let you roam Atlantis freely. It seems that my universe's Elizabeth is more practical about some matters than you are."
"If that's what you want to call it." Elizabeth sighed.
"If I catch the two of you wandering Atlantis without your escorts again," snapped Dr. Weir. "You'll be staying in the brig, rather than temporary quarters. I can't answer for what might happen to you down there." She nodded at Ronon and Teyla. "Go find John. We've gotten word on where Kolya was last sighted."
"Finally," sighed Ronon. He jerked his head and looked at Teyla. "Let's get out of here."
"How long do you think it will take you to get them home?" asked Dr. Weir.
"How much motivation can you give me?" asked Rodney. He held his hands up at Dr. Weir's furious glare. "Fine, fine, it doesn't matter. I've got it. We can either send them home now, or you can stop Sheppard from going on his little vengeance mission, swap clothes with the Doublemint Twins here--"
"Hey!" exclaimed John.
"--and head over to their universe to steal their ZPM."
"Okay, that is not cool," said John.
***
"I want my own clothing," said Elizabeth. She tugged at the waistband of Dr. Weir's leather pants. Major Lorne, who was guarding them, was studiously not looking at Elizabeth.
"You look hot," said John, his eyes fixed on her. "Don't worry about it."
"John." No response. "John!" Still no response. Elizabeth waved her hand in front of his face. "I have eyes, you know."
"Your eyes aren't wearing leather--"
"John!" snapped Elizabeth. "Could we focus please?"
John dragged his gaze to his watch. "They're dialing the gate and connecting with our universe in two minutes," he said. "Plenty of staring time until we have to move. So why are they being stupid and keeping us right next to where our own universe is?"
"In case our Teyla asks for details that might be different from those in this universe before she lowers the shield," said Elizabeth.
"Great." John groaned. "They're not planning on keeping us alive after they get our ZPM. You know that, right?"
Elizabeth nodded, meeting his eyes. "I know. You'll just have to come up with an insane plan to get us out of here and back home."
"I specialize in those," said John, one shoulder rising and dropping in a shrug. "Just ask McKay."
"If we make it out of this," said Elizabeth.
"If we do," agreed John. He cocked his head and listened to the sound of the gate dialing, then pulled out a handgun and aimed it at Lorne's head. "So, Lorne. I don't know if we're buddies here or not, but we are back in my universe. I'd hate to have to waste you just because you didn't put your gun on the ground nice and slow."
Lorne's P-90 was aimed at John. "I think we're at an impasse, sir," he said. "Because I could shoot you easily enough."
"Do you really think that I'll cooperate if you shoot John?" asked Elizabeth. Her arms were crossed. "You need us alive as leverage in case your Elizabeth and John are discovered in our universe. Both of us."
"You've got me there." Lorne shrugged, then bent down slowly, eyes on Sheppard the whole time, and set his P-90 on the ground.
"Handgun too," said John. "And your knife. Push them all over toward Elizabeth. Slowly."
"Lemme guess," said Lorne. "You see any surprises, you're going to shoot me. The leather pants are really turning you into a badass, aren't they, Sheppard?"
"What do I have to lose?" asked John.
Elizabeth picked up the P-90, glancing at John as she set it down on the briefing room table next to him. She made sure the knife was secured firmly in its sheath, then clipped it to her pants. "We have an entire city of people that need us," she said. "Lorne, whatever she's done to convince you to abandon the morals that you hold dear in my universe, it wasn't worth it."
Elizabeth clicked the safety off and aimed the handgun at Lorne, while John picked up the P-90 and slung the strap across his body. "Good." John pulled some plastic ties out of his pockets and set them down on the table before aiming the P-90 at Lorne.
"You're going to let Elizabeth restrain you now." John nodded at the plastic ties on the briefing room table.
"Sure, why not?" Lorne smirked at Elizabeth. "Do me a favor, Dr. Weir, and tie 'em tight. I like it when you get rough with me."
"Turn around, Lorne," said Elizabeth, her eyes hard. "Hands behind your back. I'm sorry we have to do this."
"C'mon, Elizabeth," said John, as she tightened the ties. He backed up toward the door. "We've got a limited time offer here."
***
Dr. Weir was standing in the gate room, with Kate Heightmeyer standing next to her. Elizabeth heard Teyla's voice on the monitor, though she couldn't see the video feed that was carrying her words across the gate and into this universe, when Elizabeth and John ran down the steps.
Colonel Sheppard had been standing next to Dr. Weir, but he turned and drew his gun, aiming it at Elizabeth. Kate turned, crossing her arms and studying Elizabeth and John intently.
"I'd rather not order John to kill himself," said Dr. Weir. "Much less myself. Even if you're really not us."
Teyla was staring. "Elizabeth--"
"It's me, Teyla," said Elizabeth, her voice carrying across the gate room.
"We have been searching for you and John for months." Teyla shook her head. "To find you on Atlantis, in another universe, is simply incredible."
"We're in a little bit of trouble here, if you hadn't noticed," said John. "Could you two maybe save the reunion 'til after we're back home?"
"Provided you make it there," said Dr. Weir. "Let's cut to the chase. Teyla, you're going to ask your universe's Dr. McKay to disconnect the ZPM and bring it to a puddlejumper located in the gateroom. My John and I are going to step through the gate, and you're going to dial the address we tell you to. Once we're back in our universe, we'll send your Elizabeth and John through."
Elizabeth shook her head. "If there is any similarity between you and I, then you know as well as I do that Teyla will not accede to your demands," she said.
"Then I guess we're just going to have to kill each other," said Dr. Weir, smiling pleasantly. She drew a handgun and pointed it at John. "Look, we all have guns now. Don't we all feel powerful?"
"This puts a damper on my plan not to shoot anyone if I don't have to," said John. "We're just going to be heading for the gate now."
"Please tell me you didn't kill Lorne," said Colonel Sheppard.
"He's a little tied up right now," said John. "By the way, I hid your copy of War and Peace."
"What do you suggest we do to resolve this, Elizabeth?" asked Dr. Weir.
"You could let us go through the gate," suggested Elizabeth.
"If you do not, Dr. McKay and Dr. Zelenka will find a way into your reality," said Teyla. "They are working on this problem even now."
"You think our McKay and Zelenka won't find a way to stop them from coming through?" asked Dr. Weir.
"You need to let them go." Kate was staring at Elizabeth and John.
"What?" Dr. Weir didn't take her eyes off them either. "Kate, don't tell me you have a soft spot for the goody two-shoes version of me. We could use their ZPM."
"Don't be ridiculous, Elizabeth," said Kate. "A soft spot? For her?" She looked Elizabeth over disdainfully. "She'd expect me to behave. But Teyla's right. Kill their Elizabeth and John, and they'll swarm this universe. Chances are good their relationship with Earth is better than ours is, and I doubt you want to see this place swarming with Marines that aren't personally loyal to you."
"Damn it," said Colonel Sheppard. "Elizabeth, your girlfriend isn't wrong. Plus there's gonna be hell to pay if they send people that look like our guys and we shoot our people by accident."
"Girlfriend?" asked Teyla, her voice faint on the video monitor.
"Oh, for heaven's sake, please don't tell me you people keep your libidos in check this far from Earth," snapped Kate.
"Lucky you." Dr. Weir snapped the safety on her gun and holstered it. "Kate's persuaded me to let you go. She's going to regret it."
"Lucky us," echoed Elizabeth, as Colonel Sheppard lowered his gun.
"We'll just back up to the gate now," said John. "Elizabeth?"
"I'm with you, John," said Elizabeth.
At the edge of the gate, John lifted his P-90 and sent a hail of bullets at the dialing computer. "Come on!" he snapped, then grabbed Elizabeth's arm and pulled her through the gate as sparks flared and smoke rose from the computer.
***
"Is it you two?" asked Ronon, his voice a growl as he aimed his pistol at John. "Or are you the other Sheppard and Weir?"
"Ronon, it's us," said John.
"Please," said Rodney. "They're wearing leather pants. They're obviously evil."
"Rodney!" Elizabeth sighed. "Not you too! It's us, Rodney."
"We'll see about that," huffed Rodney. "I've been working on a way to identify universes based on the quantum signature--"
Teyla broke in. "We shall escort you to Dr. Beckett as soon as the wormhole disengages," she said. "For as long as you have been gone, you will need full medical exams."
"If it's really them!" exclaimed Rodney. "Carson can check that too, can't he? Of course he can, he's Carson."
"Oh, for God's sake, Rodney, will you shut up?" said John. "It's really us."
"I guess we'll see," said Ronon. Then he shot them.
***
John blinked and opened his eyes. "I had the weirdest dream." John looked around his infirmary bed. Rodney, Carson, and Ronon were all standing around him, looking concerned. "And you were there, and you were there, and you were there."
"You're sure he's okay?" Ronon frowned. "He sounds confused."
"He's perfectly fine," said Carson, giving John a stern look. "If you'd like, Colonel, I could get you some ruby slippers."
"I'm good, thanks," said John, smirking at Carson. "So, are you satisfied that Elizabeth and I belong here?"
"Oh, you're so funny, Sheppard," said Rodney, narrowing his eyes. "I hope your personal adventure in Oz didn't slate me as the Scarecrow, since my intellect far outweighs anyone else's on this expedition. And of course you belong here, or you'd be waking up in the brig."
"I was more thinking you were the Cowardly Lion," said John. "Considering you scream like a little girl in the face of danger."
"Be nice when you're talking about little girls, John," said Elizabeth, from the bed next to his. "Or should I just call you Dorothy?"
"Does that make you Toto?" asked John.
"No, I get to be Glinda," said Elizabeth, her lips curved up into the beginnings of a smirk. "Unless you'd like to argue with me?"
"I wouldn't recommend it," muttered Ronon.
"No, that's all right," said John. He held up his hands. "You can be Glinda. But if I ever see you in that pink dress, I'm calling Heightmeyer."
"You wouldn't catch me dead in a dress like that," said Elizabeth, her gaze straying away slightly. "Though if you play your cards right, maybe you'll get lucky and see my wicked witch dress."
"And now is when I think we give you two a few minutes to yourselves," said Rodney, starting to back away. "Teyla told me to call her the minute you two woke up anyway."
"Glad to be home?" asked Ronon, grinning at them.
"No place like it," said John.
--the end--
Author: havocthecat
Rating: R
Pairing: Sheppard/Weir (and AU Sheppard/Weir/Heightmeyer)
Author's Notes: Written for atlantisfan101 for the 2006 Sheppard/Weir Ficathon. The prompt was "J + E get sent to different universes, learn
something about themselves and relationships in other parallel 'verses." I owe amitee and medie massively for betareading and feedbacking, and encouragement.
"Avarice, envy, pride,
Three fatal sparks, have set the hearts of all
On Fire."
--Dante Alighieri, The Divine Comedy
Lucius was pacing in the prison cell, mumbling to himself and wringing his hands together. When the door opened, he jumped and whirled around to face Dr. Weir. His charming smile popped into place, only to falter at the cold look in her eyes and the set expression of her mouth. "E--Elizabeth?" he said, walking towards her, hands outstretched. "I'm so sorry. I only wanted--"
She slapped him, her open palm cracking against his cheek. "Quiet," ordered Dr. Weir, as Lucius fell back, cradling his cheek in his hand.
Colonel Sheppard had followed her in. He was waiting outside the cell, leaning casually on the wall behind her. He chuckled. "Getting started early?" he asked.
"Kate asked for him," said Dr. Weir, her glance flickering to Colonel Sheppard briefly. "I thought I'd come and let Lucius in on our plans. Why are you here?"
"I wanted to check out the interrogation," drawled Colonel Sheppard. He shifted his weight, his posture lazy and relaxed. "Didn't realize you were going to give your girlfriend an early Christmas present instead."
"Kate?" Lucius looked over at Colonel Sheppard, then back at Dr. Weir, backing up slowly. "The blonde girl? The doctor?"
"He's slow," commented Colonel Sheppard idly. The blue light washing over his face made his grin eerie. "He's not even worried yet."
Dr. Weir rolled her eyes. "I told you to get out of my sight, John," she said.
"Yeah, but I'm so bad at following orders," he said, grinning at her.
"We'll have to see what we can do about that." Dr. Weir's expression didn't change as she stared at Lucius, whose eyes widened when Colonel Sheppard frowned. "Now, Lucius, let's--" Dr. Weir sighed briefly as her headset went off, then tapped the earpiece. "This is Weir."
Chuck's voice was anxious. "I've got an unscheduled offworld activation, ma'am," he said.
"Do we have an IDC code?" asked Dr. Weir, whirling and exiting the cell, then the outer room. Colonel Sheppard fell into step with her, glancing at Dr. Weir with a questioning look. She ignored him, waiting for Chuck's answer.
"It's Colonel Sheppard's, ma'am," said Chuck. "But he's on Atlantis."
Dr. Weir tilted her head, glancing consideringly over at Colonel Sheppard. "Let him through," she said. "And call Major Lorne for security. We're on our way."
"What's up?" asked Colonel Sheppard, shedding his air of laziness as Dr. Weir's pace picked up.
Dr. Weir smiled at him, the gleam in her eyes excited. "Looks like you're on your way to Atlantis," she said.
Colonel Sheppard drew back slightly. "What?"
***
The briefing room was a much more pleasant place than Atlantis' prison cells, which is where they'd been in the last universe. When Elizabeth looked up and saw herself walk in, her eyes widened slightly and she leaned forward, uncomfortably curious. "Well," she said, studying her other self, who was doing the same. "I guess that explains why Major Lorne wouldn't let me go directly to my quarters. I'd hoped we'd finally made it to our universe."
"Oh, boy," said John and--well, Colonel Sheppard, she supposed.
Elizabeth glanced at John, sitting next to her, then at herself. Dr. Weir--she couldn't think of her as Elizabeth--met her eyes calmly, having also cast a glance at Colonel Sheppard, who was still standing next to her.
"Oh, great," said Lorne. "Want me to get Dr. McKay?"
"Do it, Major," said Dr. Weir, nodding at the door.
"I'm gone." Lorne back out of the room, throwing a worried glance at Dr. Weir and Colonel Sheppard as he went.
"Well," said Dr. Weir, closing the door to the briefing room behind her. "Any ideas how this happened?"
Elizabeth shrugged, her hands spread. "Unfortunately, no," she said. "We just walked through the gate--."
"--and now we're here," finished John.
Colonel Sheppard was slouched against the wall. "Sucks to be you," he said. "Maybe Rodney can get you out of here."
"Of course I can get them out of here," snapped Rodney, pushing open the briefing room door. "The question is what universe they're from in the first place. It'd be nice to get them to the right universe. "
"And it's good to see you too," murmured Colonel Sheppard. He rolled his eyes and jerked his head at Rodney, all the while looking at Dr. Weir. "Dr. McArrogant here says he can get them home."
Dr. Weir arched one eyebrow and crossed her arms. "And does Dr. McKnowItAll have ideas on how he can do that?"
"Of course he does," said Rodney, staring flatly at Colonel Sheppard.
"Good to know some things never change," drawled John.
Elizabeth suppressed a smile. "John," she said quellingly, hoping he couldn't hear the thread of humor in her voice.
"Look, you two need to come to my lab," said Rodney, gesturing at the door. "We'll get some quantum readings on you and see if we can match up you with your universe. And while we're doing that, you can tell me all about what idiot thing Sheppard did with Ancient technology to get you into this mess."
"I'll have them escort you to temporary quarters after Rodney is finished," said Dr. Weir. "Until we can find a way to get you home."
***
Hours later, Elizabeth walked into John's quarters and sat down heavily on the bed. "Well, that was exhausting," she said.
John turned his head from where he was laying to look over at her. "I talked me into lending myself War and Peace. I figure another five pages and I'll be out like a light."
"You're that tired?" asked Elizabeth, shifting so she was laying down next to him.
John closed his book and set it down. "I thought you were," he said. "You're not?"
"Mm." Elizabeth shrugged as she lay her hand on his chest. "I'm a little keyed up. Thinking about getting home and all."
"Hey, this universe actually has the other Ancient thingie we need," said John. "But don't you think it's a little odd?"
Elizabeth frowned. "Odd how?"
"Odd as in everyone's wearing leather pants." John pushed himself up so he was leaning on one elbow. "Doesn't that seem a little, I don't know. Weird."
"When I spoke with my counterpart, she said they're cut off from Earth." Elizabeth shrugged. "Leather is a more durable material."
"I think they might be bad guys." John glanced around. "You gotta admit, that's how it worked on Buffy the Vampire Slayer."
"John!" Elizabeth leaned forward, her voice quiet. "You cannot possibly be basing your assessment of our alternate selves' personalities on a teenage horror series!"
"Come on, Angel wore leather pants when he went evil!" John grimaced. "Look, just be careful, all right? I have a bad feeling about this place."
Elizabeth nodded. "It is a bit unsettling here, but I can't place my finger on why that is."
"Because they're evil." John nodded slowly. "Bet you ten dollars I'm right."
"If you're right, I suspect we're going to be happy at escaping with our lives." Elizabeth sighed. "I suppose it's time we started investigating on our own, isn't it?"
"I'll go snooping around tonight." John glanced at the door. "If they're anything like our Atlantis, the only people up at that hour are McKay, random scientists, and the Marines on overnight watch. Shouldn't be too tough to slip past them."
"They'll be expecting you," said Elizabeth. "Maybe I should go and snoop instead. I'm better at being nonchalant, and besides, Rodney still has a crush on me in this universe."
"He does not!" John leaned closer to Elizabeth. "Come on, McKay does not have a crush on you."
Elizabeth grinned. "Maybe he does, and you never noticed."
John scowled. "Does not." Elizabeth mouth opened, and he held up one finger. "Ah. Don't say it. And also, you can't scout around. It's not safe."
"Then it's not safe for you either. We'll find another way." Elizabeth's face was set.
"I'm doing it," said John.
"We'll both do it," said Elizabeth. This time it was her turn to hold up a finger when John's mouth opened. "No arguments."
John leaned forward and kissed her fingertip.
"John, you're not going to distract me--" Elizabeth's breath hitched as he nipped gently at her fingertip. "All right, you're going to distract me, but this conversation isn't over for good."
"Yes it is," said John, and Elizabeth shook her head and sighed. He leaned in and captured her mouth.
Elizabeth let her open palm rest against John's cheek as their kiss ended. "Do you think that it'll be late enough by the time we're done?" she asked.
"Don't know about you," said John. He grinned. "But I plan on this taking an awfully long time."
***
"They're going to know we're not them," whispered John. The lights in Atlantis were dimmed for the nighttime hours. "No leather pants."
"I highly doubt any version of Elizabeth Weir wears leather pajamas," hissed Elizabeth.
John paused. "No, I doubt any version of you does," he said slowly. "But I think many versions of you--especially version of you that's you, since you're the you I'm sleeping with--should."
"Be serious, John," said Elizabeth. "Also, try not to be so confusing."
"I'll be serious when we actually get to an occupied area of the city," whispered John. "Right now, I'm thinking you should pick up a pair of leather pants when we get home."
A soft thud caught their attention, and John raised one hand for silence. Elizabeth gave him a quiet, withering glare. They moved closer to the source of the sound, Elizabeth half a step in front of John. She reached back and put her hand on his chest, and he froze.
Someone moaned softly, and Elizabeth glanced back at John, her eyes wide.
'What?' he mouthed silently.
Elizabeth shook her head.
John rolled his eyes and leaned forward. He exhaled softly, then turned and met Elizabeth's gaze.
Elizabeth nodded, and he looked back. Dr. Weir was farther down the hallway, pressing Kate Heightmeyer against the wall. Their shirts were pushed up, and Kate's head was flung back, her mouth open and her hands tangled in Dr. Weir's hair, pulling Dr. Weir down to her breast. Colonel Sheppard was standing farther back, his breath rasping in the darkened hallway as he stared at them, arms crossed.
Elizabeth tugged on John's arm, and when he dragged his gaze back to her, she nodded back at the room. When John gave her the puppy eyes, she shook her head. John pouted, but turned to walk back with her.
When the door closed behind them, he leaned against it. "She's making out with Heightmeyer. Your counterpart in this universe likes girls. Doesn't that make me right? It makes her evil."
"John--" Elizabeth crossed her arms and shifted her weight minutely, her gaze flickering away. "Unlike some people, I know what monogamy means."
John stared at her for a minute, his mouth hanging open. "After we get home, will you make out with Heightmeyer and let me watch?"
"No!" Elizabeth took a deep breath, then let it out slowly. "Can we not get distracted by that?"
"Right." John ran one hand through his hair. "So, they're all evil. Or just really, really slutty. Do you think they're going to want to let us out of here?"
"If I were her?" Elizabeth crossed her arms and glanced coolly in the direction they'd come from. "I wouldn't want the competition."
"Right." John frowned. "Let's go find Rodney. He's almost exactly like our Rodney, and at this hour, I'm guessing he's going to be in his lab."
***
Rodney hadn't been in his labs. Or in the mess. Or his quarters, not to mention any of his usual haunts. He hadn't even been in the kitchen, raiding the food. "Why are we heading towards the brig again?" asked John.
Elizabeth shook her head. "I heard Teyla talking with Ronon. Apparently my counterpart has been monopolizing his time by having him help interrogate the prisoner."
"Sora?" John frowned. "If they were anything like us, they'd have given Sora back to the Genii ages ago."
"I don't know," said Elizabeth. They paused at a turn. John peered around the corner, then gestured Elizabeth forward. "But I got the impression they weren't talking about a woman."
"Huh." John turned the corner into the brig, then stopped. Lucius was tied down to a chair, bruises on his face, presumably from where Major Lorne had been hitting him. Rodney was talking to Carson and leaning over a tray of scalpels and syringes. "I was right. They're evil."
***
"Get them home, Rodney," snapped Dr. Weir. "Now. I don't care how you do it, I don't care if they're even alive when they make it there. I'm not taking the chance that their universe will touch on ours if they're searching for them."
"Yes, yes, because that's not what I've been working on all day," said Rodney. "You're the one who decided I should go torture Lucius a bit more. They wouldn't have suspected anything if you'd just let me stay in my lab."
John shrugged. "What can I say? We wanted to hurry the process along."
Ronon stood in front of him, arms crossed, and glared. "Shut up, Sheppard."
"Oh, and here I thought we were friends in this universe too," said John. "Come on, Ronon, give a guy a break, will you?"
"Just because you got the Wraith homing device out of my back doesn't make us friends," said Ronon.
"I'm a real asshole here, aren't I?" asked John, baring his teeth at Ronon in what was almost a grin.
Elizabeth and Teyla's eyes met in an irritated look. "I don't think it matters, John," said Elizabeth. Some things never changed.
"I am truly sorry, Elizabeth," said Teyla. "In this universe, we are friends, but I cannot let you roam Atlantis freely. It seems that my universe's Elizabeth is more practical about some matters than you are."
"If that's what you want to call it." Elizabeth sighed.
"If I catch the two of you wandering Atlantis without your escorts again," snapped Dr. Weir. "You'll be staying in the brig, rather than temporary quarters. I can't answer for what might happen to you down there." She nodded at Ronon and Teyla. "Go find John. We've gotten word on where Kolya was last sighted."
"Finally," sighed Ronon. He jerked his head and looked at Teyla. "Let's get out of here."
"How long do you think it will take you to get them home?" asked Dr. Weir.
"How much motivation can you give me?" asked Rodney. He held his hands up at Dr. Weir's furious glare. "Fine, fine, it doesn't matter. I've got it. We can either send them home now, or you can stop Sheppard from going on his little vengeance mission, swap clothes with the Doublemint Twins here--"
"Hey!" exclaimed John.
"--and head over to their universe to steal their ZPM."
"Okay, that is not cool," said John.
***
"I want my own clothing," said Elizabeth. She tugged at the waistband of Dr. Weir's leather pants. Major Lorne, who was guarding them, was studiously not looking at Elizabeth.
"You look hot," said John, his eyes fixed on her. "Don't worry about it."
"John." No response. "John!" Still no response. Elizabeth waved her hand in front of his face. "I have eyes, you know."
"Your eyes aren't wearing leather--"
"John!" snapped Elizabeth. "Could we focus please?"
John dragged his gaze to his watch. "They're dialing the gate and connecting with our universe in two minutes," he said. "Plenty of staring time until we have to move. So why are they being stupid and keeping us right next to where our own universe is?"
"In case our Teyla asks for details that might be different from those in this universe before she lowers the shield," said Elizabeth.
"Great." John groaned. "They're not planning on keeping us alive after they get our ZPM. You know that, right?"
Elizabeth nodded, meeting his eyes. "I know. You'll just have to come up with an insane plan to get us out of here and back home."
"I specialize in those," said John, one shoulder rising and dropping in a shrug. "Just ask McKay."
"If we make it out of this," said Elizabeth.
"If we do," agreed John. He cocked his head and listened to the sound of the gate dialing, then pulled out a handgun and aimed it at Lorne's head. "So, Lorne. I don't know if we're buddies here or not, but we are back in my universe. I'd hate to have to waste you just because you didn't put your gun on the ground nice and slow."
Lorne's P-90 was aimed at John. "I think we're at an impasse, sir," he said. "Because I could shoot you easily enough."
"Do you really think that I'll cooperate if you shoot John?" asked Elizabeth. Her arms were crossed. "You need us alive as leverage in case your Elizabeth and John are discovered in our universe. Both of us."
"You've got me there." Lorne shrugged, then bent down slowly, eyes on Sheppard the whole time, and set his P-90 on the ground.
"Handgun too," said John. "And your knife. Push them all over toward Elizabeth. Slowly."
"Lemme guess," said Lorne. "You see any surprises, you're going to shoot me. The leather pants are really turning you into a badass, aren't they, Sheppard?"
"What do I have to lose?" asked John.
Elizabeth picked up the P-90, glancing at John as she set it down on the briefing room table next to him. She made sure the knife was secured firmly in its sheath, then clipped it to her pants. "We have an entire city of people that need us," she said. "Lorne, whatever she's done to convince you to abandon the morals that you hold dear in my universe, it wasn't worth it."
Elizabeth clicked the safety off and aimed the handgun at Lorne, while John picked up the P-90 and slung the strap across his body. "Good." John pulled some plastic ties out of his pockets and set them down on the table before aiming the P-90 at Lorne.
"You're going to let Elizabeth restrain you now." John nodded at the plastic ties on the briefing room table.
"Sure, why not?" Lorne smirked at Elizabeth. "Do me a favor, Dr. Weir, and tie 'em tight. I like it when you get rough with me."
"Turn around, Lorne," said Elizabeth, her eyes hard. "Hands behind your back. I'm sorry we have to do this."
"C'mon, Elizabeth," said John, as she tightened the ties. He backed up toward the door. "We've got a limited time offer here."
***
Dr. Weir was standing in the gate room, with Kate Heightmeyer standing next to her. Elizabeth heard Teyla's voice on the monitor, though she couldn't see the video feed that was carrying her words across the gate and into this universe, when Elizabeth and John ran down the steps.
Colonel Sheppard had been standing next to Dr. Weir, but he turned and drew his gun, aiming it at Elizabeth. Kate turned, crossing her arms and studying Elizabeth and John intently.
"I'd rather not order John to kill himself," said Dr. Weir. "Much less myself. Even if you're really not us."
Teyla was staring. "Elizabeth--"
"It's me, Teyla," said Elizabeth, her voice carrying across the gate room.
"We have been searching for you and John for months." Teyla shook her head. "To find you on Atlantis, in another universe, is simply incredible."
"We're in a little bit of trouble here, if you hadn't noticed," said John. "Could you two maybe save the reunion 'til after we're back home?"
"Provided you make it there," said Dr. Weir. "Let's cut to the chase. Teyla, you're going to ask your universe's Dr. McKay to disconnect the ZPM and bring it to a puddlejumper located in the gateroom. My John and I are going to step through the gate, and you're going to dial the address we tell you to. Once we're back in our universe, we'll send your Elizabeth and John through."
Elizabeth shook her head. "If there is any similarity between you and I, then you know as well as I do that Teyla will not accede to your demands," she said.
"Then I guess we're just going to have to kill each other," said Dr. Weir, smiling pleasantly. She drew a handgun and pointed it at John. "Look, we all have guns now. Don't we all feel powerful?"
"This puts a damper on my plan not to shoot anyone if I don't have to," said John. "We're just going to be heading for the gate now."
"Please tell me you didn't kill Lorne," said Colonel Sheppard.
"He's a little tied up right now," said John. "By the way, I hid your copy of War and Peace."
"What do you suggest we do to resolve this, Elizabeth?" asked Dr. Weir.
"You could let us go through the gate," suggested Elizabeth.
"If you do not, Dr. McKay and Dr. Zelenka will find a way into your reality," said Teyla. "They are working on this problem even now."
"You think our McKay and Zelenka won't find a way to stop them from coming through?" asked Dr. Weir.
"You need to let them go." Kate was staring at Elizabeth and John.
"What?" Dr. Weir didn't take her eyes off them either. "Kate, don't tell me you have a soft spot for the goody two-shoes version of me. We could use their ZPM."
"Don't be ridiculous, Elizabeth," said Kate. "A soft spot? For her?" She looked Elizabeth over disdainfully. "She'd expect me to behave. But Teyla's right. Kill their Elizabeth and John, and they'll swarm this universe. Chances are good their relationship with Earth is better than ours is, and I doubt you want to see this place swarming with Marines that aren't personally loyal to you."
"Damn it," said Colonel Sheppard. "Elizabeth, your girlfriend isn't wrong. Plus there's gonna be hell to pay if they send people that look like our guys and we shoot our people by accident."
"Girlfriend?" asked Teyla, her voice faint on the video monitor.
"Oh, for heaven's sake, please don't tell me you people keep your libidos in check this far from Earth," snapped Kate.
"Lucky you." Dr. Weir snapped the safety on her gun and holstered it. "Kate's persuaded me to let you go. She's going to regret it."
"Lucky us," echoed Elizabeth, as Colonel Sheppard lowered his gun.
"We'll just back up to the gate now," said John. "Elizabeth?"
"I'm with you, John," said Elizabeth.
At the edge of the gate, John lifted his P-90 and sent a hail of bullets at the dialing computer. "Come on!" he snapped, then grabbed Elizabeth's arm and pulled her through the gate as sparks flared and smoke rose from the computer.
***
"Is it you two?" asked Ronon, his voice a growl as he aimed his pistol at John. "Or are you the other Sheppard and Weir?"
"Ronon, it's us," said John.
"Please," said Rodney. "They're wearing leather pants. They're obviously evil."
"Rodney!" Elizabeth sighed. "Not you too! It's us, Rodney."
"We'll see about that," huffed Rodney. "I've been working on a way to identify universes based on the quantum signature--"
Teyla broke in. "We shall escort you to Dr. Beckett as soon as the wormhole disengages," she said. "For as long as you have been gone, you will need full medical exams."
"If it's really them!" exclaimed Rodney. "Carson can check that too, can't he? Of course he can, he's Carson."
"Oh, for God's sake, Rodney, will you shut up?" said John. "It's really us."
"I guess we'll see," said Ronon. Then he shot them.
***
John blinked and opened his eyes. "I had the weirdest dream." John looked around his infirmary bed. Rodney, Carson, and Ronon were all standing around him, looking concerned. "And you were there, and you were there, and you were there."
"You're sure he's okay?" Ronon frowned. "He sounds confused."
"He's perfectly fine," said Carson, giving John a stern look. "If you'd like, Colonel, I could get you some ruby slippers."
"I'm good, thanks," said John, smirking at Carson. "So, are you satisfied that Elizabeth and I belong here?"
"Oh, you're so funny, Sheppard," said Rodney, narrowing his eyes. "I hope your personal adventure in Oz didn't slate me as the Scarecrow, since my intellect far outweighs anyone else's on this expedition. And of course you belong here, or you'd be waking up in the brig."
"I was more thinking you were the Cowardly Lion," said John. "Considering you scream like a little girl in the face of danger."
"Be nice when you're talking about little girls, John," said Elizabeth, from the bed next to his. "Or should I just call you Dorothy?"
"Does that make you Toto?" asked John.
"No, I get to be Glinda," said Elizabeth, her lips curved up into the beginnings of a smirk. "Unless you'd like to argue with me?"
"I wouldn't recommend it," muttered Ronon.
"No, that's all right," said John. He held up his hands. "You can be Glinda. But if I ever see you in that pink dress, I'm calling Heightmeyer."
"You wouldn't catch me dead in a dress like that," said Elizabeth, her gaze straying away slightly. "Though if you play your cards right, maybe you'll get lucky and see my wicked witch dress."
"And now is when I think we give you two a few minutes to yourselves," said Rodney, starting to back away. "Teyla told me to call her the minute you two woke up anyway."
"Glad to be home?" asked Ronon, grinning at them.
"No place like it," said John.
--the end--