NEW FICTION!
LOVING RYAN-PART II
By: Anisapologist
Rating: NC-17
Summary: Ryan Phillippe and Hayden meet at a photo shoot and become involved.
Disclaimer: NOT AN ONCE OF TRUTH
Warnings: Slash, mention of drug use, major angst
A few days pass before you have the guts to go to Ryan’s house again. You sit in your navigator for twenty minutes on a side street before you finally get up the nerve to pull into his driveway and walk up to the door.
You are about to knock when the door swings open, and Ryan is standing there with that look on his face-like he was expecting you.
“Hey, Vader,” he says, smirking. You decide that you both hate and love that smirk.
You stand nervously in the doorway, managing to look up at him through your long eyelashes.
“I had to see you,” you whimper against his ear, brushing your nose against his curls, breathing in the scent of his shampoo, “Please? I’m sorry…I just-I didn’t want to be alone anymore, and…”
He pulls you inside gently, “Shhh…” is all he says and leads you silently upstairs to the bed.
You both know what you are here for.
You stripe as he watches, already naked on the bed. When you are completely naked, you stand nervously before him as he appraises you, fidgeting and shifting from foot to foot, “I’ll…do anything you want,” you say, sounding as needy as you feel.
Ryan smiles slightly, “Come here,” he whispers, and the sound of his husky voice sends a shiver down your spine. After a second or two, you respond to his request, crawling slowly up the bed and stopping to kneel between his spread thighs, not sure what to do next, “What do you want?” he asks gently, reaching up to stroke your cheek.
You whimper-partly from lust, partly from fear-as he strokes your face, and close your eyes against the tears that are threatening, “I…I don’t know….I haven’t in so long…”
Ryan nods, though he isn’t quite sure what you are talking about.
You open your eyes and force yourself to meet Ryan’s sad gaze, “I don’t know…what to do, really….show me? Please?”
Ryan leans up and captures your lips with his own, gently searching your mouth with his tongue, fingers threading through your hair, pulling you closer and down, determined to make this good for you.
You let yourself be drawn down towards him, though you are trembling in fear. When your erections brush against each other for the first time, you moan involuntarily, and break the kiss, becoming wanton and needy, your mouth everywhere at once on Ryan’s body-his neck, his earlobes, his shoulders, his chest. You are distantly aware that you are making low, keening noises, but you are unable to stop because you need this so much. Ryan relaxes back against the bed, and just lets you go, letting you take the lead and explore his body at will, arching gently upwards when your mouth finds a new spot to kiss and lick and suck, moaning with approval at what you are doing to him.
Tentatively, his arms grip your shoulders as you move lower, and he looks down at you as you take his cock into your mouth slowly, “You don’t….ahhhh…you don’t have to do that,” he moans, not wanting this to be about his pleasure, but yours.
You look up at him and manage a smile with your eyes, and you continue to suck.
He orgasms quickly, arching up off the bed and you swallow his essence, kissing your way back up his body languidly, pausing when you reach his face, staring down at him, “Make love to me?” you beg quietly.
Ryan flips you easily onto your back and positions himself against you in one fluid movement, “Are you sure?” he asks gently.
“Yes…please, yes!” you moan, arching against him and offering yourself wantonly.
Ryan reaches for lube and coats himself, all the while, looking at you, and soothing you with nonsense words, then he is pushing inside you slowly, one inch at a time, stopping when you show the slightest discomfort, then continuing when you relax, until he is completely sheathed and your bellies are flush against one another.
“Is this…okay?” Ryan asks huskily, staring at you with heavy lidded eyes, not moving in you, letting you get used to the feeling first.
You moan and nod, biting your lip to keep from crying out, “Slow…please slow…” You manage to mutter through a haze of fear.
Ryan begins to move so very tenderly against you, thrusting gently, watching you the entire time to make sure that he isn’t hurting you in any way, trying to control himself, but finding it very difficult, “So tight…so fucking good…” he mutters, kissing your neck and grunting animalistic ally against your neck,” Let go…let go for me, Hayden…enjoy it…”
You whimper at his words and grasp him tighter, “I can’t…please! Stop, please! Don’t hurt me, Please! I love you-don’t hurt me anymore! I’ll be good! I’ll be better…don’t…”
Ryan stops moving in you, losing his erection immediately and slipping from your body. He pulls you close in a tender embrace.
“It’s not him, baby…he’s not here…he can’t…he can’t hurt you anymore. Its Ryan, Hayden…it’s me. It’s Ryan, and I won’t hurt you, I promise. I love you…so much. I love you, Haydie…”
You slowly come back to reality and cry against Ryan’s shoulder, “I’m sorry…I want this…I do. Its just…Fuck! I’m so sorry…”
“Shhhh,” Ryan soothes, “It’s okay, baby…. it’s all right. I’m here for you. I’m here….”
When at last you stop crying, Ryan lets you go and just watches you intently, waiting for an explanation, but not pushing you for one.
“There was this guy…he hurt me…a lot…” you manage to grind out between deep breaths, “I’m sorry…”
There is so much more you want to say, but you don’t know how. This was something you never counted on-meeting someone you liked who actually liked you in return. Ryan is the wild card in your life-and you don’t know how to play it.
Ryan merely nods slowly, and pulls you close again, “It’s okay, Hayden, it’s going to be okay…”
You lay together for nearly an hour, doing nothing more than being held by Ryan and caressed soothingly. You murmur contentedly, like a cat, and he smiles, “You feel so good in my arms, you know that?” he kisses your curls on the top of your head sweetly and you smile against him.
“Ryan…please…” you say, so suddenly, it surprises even you, “Touch me…please?”
Ryan is holding you close and it feels so good, “I don’t want to hurt you,” he whispers harshly against your skin, “Tell me to stop if you need too,”
You nod and moan wordlessly, arching against him, needing his touch, his kiss, his…everything.
“Make love to me, Ryan…please…”
Ryan whimpers at your words, moving gently now, finding a rhythm, still holding you close, “You feel so good, baby,” he groans, sounding pained.
You wrap your legs around him and urge him on, “Love me…love me…” you repeat, like a mantra, against his neck.
“I’m close, baby,” he gasps, moving faster now, “So fucking close…”
You whimper in response and tighten your legs around him, “Come for me…” you beg, not even recognising the lustful voice you are using now.
“God, Yes!” Ryan moans, and now your bodies find perfect rhythm together, moving as one. Two taut, masculine forms, arching together in an ancient, forbidden dance.
“Wanna come inside you, Hayden…” he admits, sounding emotional and raw.
You whimper at his admission and manage another nod, “Yeah…come inside me, baby…please…want you too. Need it….”
Ryan comes a moment later, almost as if on cue, letting out a shaky, soft sigh of release, and bringing his mouth to yours, mouthing you wetly and languidly as he slows his movement to a stop, and then relaxes against you, slowing his breath and whimpering like a child. In the aftermath of his orgasm, he is shaky, needy…vulnerable, “God, Hayden…I’ve wanted this for so long…wanted you for so long…since before I even met you!” he sounds close to tears.
Only now do you become aware that he is slowly stroking your cock between your two bodies, and you moan, arching into his hand, seeking the release he has enjoyed inside your body, but he stops and you whimper in frustration, opening your eyes questioningly.
Ryan smiles down at you and rolls off and onto his back, pulling you with him so that you are now on top, “Fuck me,” he whispers harshly, spreading his legs wide and arching, offering himself in a wanton display.
You try to pull away, ducking your head shyly.
“I’ve never…I don’t know…how…” you admit, embarrassed.
Ryan looks mildly surprised, but he doesn’t seem to really mind.
“I’ll show you…I’ll guide you…please…make love to me….” Ryan’s voice is breathless in its entreaties, as he kisses you, stroking your hair and pressing against you, “Please, Hayden?”
Your eyes roll back in your head as he guises you inside. Its so hot, so tight…. you gasp loudly at the sensation, and push gently inside, wanting to fuck him hard and rough, but managing-just barely-to hold back.
Ryan swallows hard and smiles up at you softly, “Does it feel good?” he mutters.
“Oh yes…” you whisper shakily, inching in slowly until you are completely sheathed within his white heat, “Oh Ryan….”
“Move in me, Hayden,” he implores, wrapping his muscular legs around your waist and gripping your shoulders tightly, kissing you deeply, “Please…move for me…”
You do. You strobe your hips gently in a circular motion against his body, withdrawing and then thrusting ever so slightly, pulling back to watch his face as you make love to him. Ryan’s eyes are closed, his mouth slightly agape. He moans each time you thrust and whimpers when you withdraw. He turns his head to one side, and bites his lip, pleasure etched on his face.
You slowly begin to move ever faster against him, needing too, needing the release. Ryan’s eyes open, and even though he is looking to the side, you see tears sliding down his cheek and realise that he is crying.
“Are you…okay? Am I hurting you?” you ask, freezing in place, terrified again.
Ryan looks at you quickly; shaking his head and trying to find the right words, “No…don’t stop…feels so good. Just…I never felt this way-about anyone…never wanted anything this much…”
His words bring tears to your eyes as well, and you both cry as you continue to make love, kissing desperately, stroking skin, writhing together as one, “Oh God! Never knew it could feel like this…could be like this…” you whimper against him and then you come and the pleasure overwhelms you so much, you think you will black out.
When you come, it is more than a physical release-it is about so much more than sex. It is about love and understanding and pain and hurt and suffering. Your body spasms violently against his, and you cry out in a nearly primal scream of completion as you spill heavily inside Ryan, while he holds you close and kisses your neck lovingly, your tears mingling together as you slow your motion to a stop, and simply lay on top of him, spent physically as well as emotionally.
You cry and he holds you, “Thank you…” you whisper harshly, thanking him for…so many things.
He strokes your hair gently and nods against your neck, “That is what is called making love, Hayden….” He says softly, and you nod because you know how right he is.
“Stay inside me,” Ryan begs, and you do, falling asleep still buried inside his body.
Ryan awakens a few hours later to find you dressing in the dark.
“You were just going to sneak out?” Ryan sounds crushed, looks crushed-you feel like a piece of trash.
“I….Ryan, I can’t…let myself love you…I can’t let myself…”
Something akin to anger appears in Ryan’s eyes for the first time, “Fuck you, Hayden, all right? Just…fuck you! I’m trying to help you! I love you-doesn’t that mean anything to you?”
“Ryan,” you whine, miserable.
“No!” Ryan cuts you off coldly, “Just shut up, okay? I’m done! I’m so fucking done! It’s bad enough that you won’t talk to me, won’t tell me anything about yourself….then you come here, uninvited, all needy and horny-and we sleep together, and I’m honest with you, and tell you my feelings, and now….just get out and fuck off!”
You stare at Ryan impassively for a moment, feeling wretched, but knowing that he is right, “I’m an asshole, I’m sorry…” you offer softly, “I’m just….scared, okay? I’ve never done this before-anything like this. I know you have-you’re married for fuck’s sake! You have children, and ex-boyfriends and…all that. But I haven’t…..The only guy I ever slept with…ever loved…raped me…beat me ….his name was James…he was my friend for years. And…. I loved him…but he…got sick….he changed, and he started to hurt himself..and me. It wasn’t his fault, he couldn’t help it…but he hurt me so much and now…I don’t know how to love anyone…”
You see the look of absolute revulsion on Ryan’s face.
“ Do you want to hear about how I let him cut me? How I let him put out his cigarettes on my back? Or haven’t you noticed the scars all over my back?”
You are becoming hysterical now.
“I saw them…” Ryan admits softly, “I didn’t know what they were-I was afraid to ask…”
“There’s more!” you taunt, “Do you want to know more?” How much do you want to know, Ryan? How much can you take?”
“Stop!” Ryan begs now, holding his hand up in surrender, “Okay-I get it. Enough! Stop…please, stop…”
You stop at last, hysterical now, gasping for breath, rubbing your hands over your face in disgust and emotional exhaustion, and watch as Ryan slowly walks over to a chair and sinks into it, avoiding your eyes, lost in thought. He looks pale, as if he feels sick. Slowly, he raises his eyes to meet yours, “How long? How long did you stay with him?”
Ryan shakes his head, trying to comprehend what you have just told him, “Oh, Hayden…why did you let him hurt you?
You shake your head helplessly, “He didn’t mean it…he couldn’t help it. He was…sick…I loved him….I wanted him to get better….”
“I don’t understand, Hayden,” he says honestly.
“I don’t…expect you too. Like I said, you can’t help me. No one can help me. I saw a shrink for a while. Nothing helps. That’s why I drink. When I start thinking too much about the past, I drink-and it goes away for a while.” You know how pathetic that makes you sound, but it’s the truth, so you say it.
. At last, he turns and faces you, looking at your face in its profile, feeling so very sorry for you, “It wasn’t your fault,” he says, knowing that you probably, somehow blame yourself, “What he did, what happened to him-it wasn’t your fault, Hayden.”
“Yes, it was,” you reply, believing it.
“Oh, God, Hayden,” Ryan mumbles, rubbing his eyes and searching desperately for something to say. This is all way beyond him.
“I understand if you…don’t want to see me anymore. I’m sorry-I’m fucked up…” you offer.
This is exactly why you avoid relationships and sex.
Ryan swallows thickly and looks at you again, his voice is low and soothingly as he reaches out to caress your chest gently, “I want to see you, baby-I love you. That hasn’t changed. This changes nothing.”
You laugh bitterly, not believing him, “How can it not?’ you ask sceptically.
Ryan cuts you off quickly, “He hurt you….but I won’t. “
“What is this-between us?” you ask, gesturing between the two of you helplessly.
Ryan smiles softly, “I believe it could be love…if you could give us a chance.”
You are so confused. You know that what Ryan is saying is probably true-but you loved James so very much, and his illness nearly destroyed you. You don’t know if you can ever trust yourself in a relationship again.
“It wasn’t his fault,” you say again, softly but firmly, “He didn’t mean to hurt me…”
Without that belief, you would have gone insane long ago….
FLASHBACK
There were times that you almost enjoyed it-almost-the violent sex, the hitting-because at least then, James was paying attention to you, and not lost in his own little world, not even seeming to notice that you were even there. When he came inside you, you were blissfully happy. He would slip from your body and hold you then and kiss and caress your body and face and it felt so good because you loved him so much and wanted him to love you too, wanted him to get well again, and be the wonderful person you had once known him to be.
When he would hit you, and call you filthy names, and accuse you of trying to hurt him, it made you cry, but at least he was there, talking to you-even if his talking was more like screaming. At least he wasn’t sitting huddled in a corner, talking to the voices in his head-or off somewhere, shooting up or getting drunk or doing something else to self medicate and silence the voices that tortured him in his mind.
You shake your head at the sickness of it all-you hate yourself. How could you be so gross? Actually liking it when he hit you just because it meant he was with you? How could you sill love him, even after he did those…things to you? How could he get sick? How could he do that to you? How dare he get sick and abandon you!
END FLASHBACK
“What do you want from me, Ryan?” you ask, tormented, “I can’t give you what you want-I’m fucked up! I can’t give you a relationship…”
Ryan kisses your temple gently, “Just…give me what you can, Hayden…just give me what you can…”
You give him a sort-of smile, and get up and dress, “I have to go-I have an event to go to with Tove tonight-he gets pissed when I’m late.”
Ryan reclines on the bed and just watches you dress.
“See you soon?” he asks quietly.
“Sure…wanna come by for breakfast tomorrow?” you ask, feeling almost optimistic.
Ryan smiles and nods and you leave.
The next day, you awaken at six in the morning-easily the earliest you have awoken in a years-and wait for Ryan to appear for breakfast nervously.
Tove watches you as you sit in the living room, staring out the window like a puppy waiting for his master to return home, and he smiles. He’s happy for you-it has been so long since he has seen you want someone half as much as you want Ryan at that moment. Tove smiles, “You look like a kid waiting for Christmas morning,” he says mildly, sipping coffee in the doorway.
You turn and look at Tove and duck your head, embarrassed, “I like him…I mean, I really like him, you know?”
“Yeah, I guessed that much!” Tove laughs lightly, “I’m off for a run, baby boy….”
He walks over and runs his hand through your curls, looking at you wistfully, “I hope….never mind…”
Tove leaves for his morning run, and Ryan pulls into the driveway a few minutes later. You practically sprint to the front door to greet him.
“So….. breakfast time,” Ryan smiles that lopsided smile of his that you love so much and steps inside, “I brought muffins.”
He holds up a bag. You smile shyly, ducking your head and gesturing towards the kitchen with your hand.
Ryan begins slowly, as if he has rehearsed this speech a million times-perhaps he has.
“Hayden, I….just wanted to see you and tell you that I understand if…you don’t want me around after…..but-I meant what I said to you-everything I said, when we were making love…I do love you, Hayden. And I do want to help you…if you’ll let me.”
He reaches out across the table and takes your hands in his, willing you to meet his steady gaze, which you do reluctantly, “You are gorgeous and wonderful and talented and smart…I want to be with you. I want to make you believe that about yourself. Will you give us a chance, please?”
You laugh slightly because if you don’t you are going to cry instead, and you are so tired of crying, “How…how can I deny a request like that?” you smile.
Ryan smiles in relief and gets up, walking around the table to stand next to you. He crouches next to you and smiles up at you, pushing hair out of your eyes lovingly.
Tove pushes into the kitchen throw the swinging door, drenched in sweat and dressed in his running clothes. He pauses when he sees Ryan there, “Oh…hey…” he manages to say, pouring a large glass of water and gulping it down.
Ryan stands up slowly and extends his right hand, “You must be Tove,” he smiles.
“I am he-and you are Ryan Philippe, ” Tove flashes Ryan one of his million dollar smiles, “But you really don’t want to shake my hand right now-I’ve just run three miles, and I’m sweating like a Bangkok whore”
Ryan pulls his hand back as if from a fire, “Three miles?”
“Yeah…keep telling Hayden he should start doing it with me. I run it every day-it’s the best stress relief there is…of course, he can’t do it until he gives up smoking…”
Tove eyes you affectionately and laughs, walking over to you and bending down to kiss the top of your head affectionately, “Got to go, boys. Quick shower and I’m off to the office!”
Tove fairly bounces out of the kitchen, leaving a rather perplexed Ryan in his wake. You have to laugh at the look on Ryan’s face, “Is he always like that?” Ryan asks, scowling slightly.
“Like what?” you ask, smiling knowingly.
“So…perky?”
You laugh, “Yeah…I guess,” you manage to say.
“I thought you said the two of you were alike…”
“In some ways we are-just not when it comes to running…or smoking…or early mornings….or perkiness!” you smile.
Unable to control yourself any longer, you dissolve into laughter with Ryan now-and realise it is the first time in a very long time that you have laughed this hard or felt this good.
Maybe, just maybe, you and Ryan can make this work….
Ryan smiles at you, “Hayden….tell me more? About James?”
You take a deep breath.
You tell him, though it wrenches your heart to do so. You met him in high school, playing ice hockey. The two of you became fast friends, and lovers during the summer after high school graduation. You had gone to a fireworks display with a group of friends, and wondered away together in the darkness, James taking you by the hand and leading you away with a knowing look on his face.
You found a spot in an open field, and gave in to a passion you had both been flirting with for months. He made love to you and then you made love to him. Then you lay naked in one another’s arms and told each other that you loved one another. It had been a beautiful night.
You were lovers for nearly two years-while you lived and worked in Vancouver, and James went to university nearby.
James was perfect-good looking, athletic, friendly, and smart. He had a great future ahead of him, and you could only hope and pray that he would not tire of you, and you could be a part of that future with him.
Things began to go wrong so subtlety that at first you did not even notice…small things-like James asking you if you had left the television on or the radio because he could clearly hear voices in the next room….James seeming distant, with a faraway look in his eye, as if he were listening to something that you could not hear.
At first, you thought it was drugs-and you were horrified that James would do them. In retrospect, you almost wish it had been drugs-at least there were rehabs for addicts-there was little recourse for someone with Schizophrenia….
There were days when he was completely normal, and days when he was steadily more insane…you got used to it, almost. The screaming, the ranting, the talking to voices only he could hear….you took him to countless doctors, specialists, trying to figure out what was wrong with him. You still loved him so very much, despite his problems, and wanted to help.
Then, one day, he held a butcher knife to your throat when you awoke in the morning, tied you to a kitchen chair and interrogated you for hours, accusing you of trying to kill him-putting poison in his food, putting shards of glass in his drinking water…you sat in the chair and cried and told him you would never hurt him, and that he was imagining all of this-and that only enraged him further.
He beat the shit out of you….he raped you on the kitchen floor….you are certain he would have killed you if it were not for Tove coming over unexpectedly and discovering you both…Tove easily overpowered him, and called the police, even as you begged him not too.
James spent two days in custody before being diagnosed-at last-as a paranoid schizophrenic, and transferred to a psychiatric ward.
You did not press charges. You had him released into your care. You paid his medical bills and tried to care for him at home as best as you could, despite Tove’s protests. James didn’t have anyone else. His mother was dead-no siblings, his father was a bastard who had basically disowned him for being gay….you could not abandon him when he needed you the most.
. He would lay in bed with you, crying and asking, “Why is this happening to me? What’s going to happen to me?” and you would cry as well because you had no answers for him.
But sometimes he would still hurt you-when he was having a ‘bad day’….he would scream at you, hit you, burn you with cigarettes, tell you he hated you…..some days you would have to lock yourself in your bathroom to keep him from killing you. You would sit on the bathroom floor, listening to him rage outside, and cry and shake because you were so frightened of him, but you knew it was the illness doing this to him-that was not the James you knew and loved.
He would calm down eventually, and find you locked in the bathroom, beg you to come out, and you would take him in your arms and both of you would cry until you had no tears left.
One day, he tied you to the bed while you were still asleep. He raped you, and cut your back with a knife, drawing blood from your skin as you screamed in agony and begged to stop. You recall him leaning forward to whisper in your ear, “Did you think I wouldn’t figure it out, Hayden? They told me! They told me how you put the poison in my food…how you told the government about me…. I know you want to kill me, but I will survive!”
Eventually, you passed out from the pain and loss of blood. The doctor in the ER told you he was surprised that you didn’t die, and urged you to press charges, but you didn’t…you couldn’t. It wasn’t his fault….he was sick….
After that, Tove moved in, telling you, “If you won’t have him out, then you’ll have to have me in….I’m gonna protect you, baby brother.”
And Tove did-he was wonderful. He was never mean or rude to James-he knew the boy was sick-but when James was having a bad day, Tove would watch him like a hawk and keep him from you. It must have been exhausting for your big brother, but he did it because he loved you.
Things calmed down and seemed to return to normal-or at least a new kind of normal. You got used to James having bad days, talking to himself, having paranoid delusions. You still managed to go to the set of “Higher Ground” and say your lines and hit your marks…you still managed to pay the bills with modelling work….and you still managed to go to auditions. Your heart ached, and you were exhausted most of the time…at night, you would crawl into bed beside James and just hold him. You would tell him about your day if he was well enough to comprehend your words…sometimes, if was strong enough, you would still make love. Some nights, when he was drunk or stoned out of his head or lost in his own world, you would simply hold him and cry…..this was your life for a year.
Then you got the role of Anakin Skywalker and things simply could not go on as they had been. You had to move to LA, and there was no question that James simply could not go with you.
You made the hardest decision of your life-to have him committed to a private clinic outside of Vancouver, and to go to LA without him.
It was so very hard-this was supposed to be the happiest time of your life, and yet you could not share it with the person you adored the most in the world. You missed him so much, you felt physically ill most of the time. You visited him as often as you could, not that you really think he even knew you were there most of the time…..when the craving and the need became too great, you would go to see him and-if he was lucid-you would slip the nurse an extra hundred dollars, and she would pretend not to notice you locking James bedroom door. You would strip and hungrily offer yourself to James, making love with him on the small single bed, desperate for release, for love, for affection….
One afternoon, as you disrobed, James stopped you, stilling your hands as you unbuttoned your oxford shirt hurriedly, “Don’t,” he whispered harshly, looking sad.
“Why not? Don’t…don’t you want me?” you asked, confused.
“Of course I do,” James said bitterly, “But…we can’t do this anymore. I cant let you…waste your life on me anymore…you’re a movie star, Hayden-you’re rich, you’re gorgeous….what the fuck are you doing here with me?”
“What do you mean?”
“I’m in an asylum, Hayden-I’m a schizophrenic-and I’m not going to get any better! I’m only going to get worse-you know that as well as I do! So, what are you doing coming here and having sex with me? Why do you even want to touch me?”
You could not believe his words, “You’re my boyfriend…” you whimpered, “I love you…I don’t care that you’re…here. That we have to make love here…as long as I can be with you, that’s all that matters to me. I love you…”
James shook his head and pushed you gently away from his body, even as you tried to caress him, “I love you too…so much…too much to let you go on doing this….we have to…end things, Hayden. You deserve better than me, better than…this…what I’ve become….”
Distressed, you felt yourself begin to hypervinellate, “No! You could still …get better…there are new drugs all the time and new breakthroughs…I haven’t given up hope.”
“Maybe I have, Hayden,” James replied softly, reaching out to brush away tears from your cheeks, “I….don’t want you to come here anymore. I don’t want to…see you again.”
“WHAT?” you screamed, not at all expecting this, “You can’t! You can’t do this to me-I love you! I want to see you! Please don’t do this to me!”
James pressed his security button and two security guards appeared, unlocking the door from the outside instantly.
You stood before James, broken and crying, “Please don’t send me away. Please-I need you. I love you….”
“Let me go, Hayden,” James replied firmly, “Find someone who can give you the life you deserve-the life I would give you if I could. Be happy, baby-for me. Goodbye, Hayden….”
He nodded to the security guards who placed their hands on your shoulders and drug you from the room, as you sobbed and begged James to let you stay.
That was two years ago. You have not seen him since. Tove visits sometimes, and tells you that James is completely gone now-lost in a world of paranoia and delusions and that it is best that you don’t see him that way. You continue to pay all of his medical bills. You write him letters every month, but you never receive an answer, and you don’t know if he even reads them…
You have been talking now for an hour straight. At last you finish and look up at Ryan, sitting across from you, “So, now you know…everything.” You say at last.
Ryan just stares at you, “That is the saddest fucking story I have ever heard.” He says at last.
You smile bitterly, “Thanks,”
“I’m serious,” Ryan continues, running his hands through his hair distractedly, “That’s so sad it makes me feel sick…”
You nod slowly, “I know what you mean,” you admit sadly.
Then Ryan is stroking your face gently and pulling you into his arms. You go there willingly, and let him hold and stroke you. You close your eyes and try to enjoy the intimate caresses, but old memories bubble to the surface-James making love to you for the first time, his face so handsome….James tying you up and beating you senseless, calling you a slut and a whore….James in the asylum, laying back on his bed and watching you ride him with a dazed look of pleasure on his face….James telling you goodbye….
You realise that you are now on your back with Ryan gently grinding himself against you, kissing your neck and sucking on it seductively
“Why are you trembling?” Ryan sounds perplexed, pulling back to stare at you, ‘What’s wrong?”
“I can’t…not right now…I’m sorry,” you say, pulling away.
Ryan looks at you sadly, but nods his understanding, “I should probably…go,” he says, sounding very much like he wants to stay.
You nod absently, and he stands up to leave, “Can I call you, Hayden….do you want to see me again?” he asks, sounding a little desperate.
You stare into space for a while before you answer him, “I don’t know, Ryan. I don’t know about…us…. I need time to think about stuff. Please don’t hate me…”
Ryan runs his hands through your hair and kisses the top of your head, “I could never hate you, baby,” he whispers softly, “Call me when you’re ready…. I’ll be waiting…”
He leaves and you watch him go, hoping that he means it…
TBC…
By: Anisapologist
Rating: NC-17
Summary: Ryan Phillippe and Hayden meet at a photo shoot and become involved.
Disclaimer: NOT AN ONCE OF TRUTH
Warnings: Slash, mention of drug use, major angst
A few days pass before you have the guts to go to Ryan’s house again. You sit in your navigator for twenty minutes on a side street before you finally get up the nerve to pull into his driveway and walk up to the door.
You are about to knock when the door swings open, and Ryan is standing there with that look on his face-like he was expecting you.
“Hey, Vader,” he says, smirking. You decide that you both hate and love that smirk.
You stand nervously in the doorway, managing to look up at him through your long eyelashes.
“I had to see you,” you whimper against his ear, brushing your nose against his curls, breathing in the scent of his shampoo, “Please? I’m sorry…I just-I didn’t want to be alone anymore, and…”
He pulls you inside gently, “Shhh…” is all he says and leads you silently upstairs to the bed.
You both know what you are here for.
You stripe as he watches, already naked on the bed. When you are completely naked, you stand nervously before him as he appraises you, fidgeting and shifting from foot to foot, “I’ll…do anything you want,” you say, sounding as needy as you feel.
Ryan smiles slightly, “Come here,” he whispers, and the sound of his husky voice sends a shiver down your spine. After a second or two, you respond to his request, crawling slowly up the bed and stopping to kneel between his spread thighs, not sure what to do next, “What do you want?” he asks gently, reaching up to stroke your cheek.
You whimper-partly from lust, partly from fear-as he strokes your face, and close your eyes against the tears that are threatening, “I…I don’t know….I haven’t in so long…”
Ryan nods, though he isn’t quite sure what you are talking about.
You open your eyes and force yourself to meet Ryan’s sad gaze, “I don’t know…what to do, really….show me? Please?”
Ryan leans up and captures your lips with his own, gently searching your mouth with his tongue, fingers threading through your hair, pulling you closer and down, determined to make this good for you.
You let yourself be drawn down towards him, though you are trembling in fear. When your erections brush against each other for the first time, you moan involuntarily, and break the kiss, becoming wanton and needy, your mouth everywhere at once on Ryan’s body-his neck, his earlobes, his shoulders, his chest. You are distantly aware that you are making low, keening noises, but you are unable to stop because you need this so much. Ryan relaxes back against the bed, and just lets you go, letting you take the lead and explore his body at will, arching gently upwards when your mouth finds a new spot to kiss and lick and suck, moaning with approval at what you are doing to him.
Tentatively, his arms grip your shoulders as you move lower, and he looks down at you as you take his cock into your mouth slowly, “You don’t….ahhhh…you don’t have to do that,” he moans, not wanting this to be about his pleasure, but yours.
You look up at him and manage a smile with your eyes, and you continue to suck.
He orgasms quickly, arching up off the bed and you swallow his essence, kissing your way back up his body languidly, pausing when you reach his face, staring down at him, “Make love to me?” you beg quietly.
Ryan flips you easily onto your back and positions himself against you in one fluid movement, “Are you sure?” he asks gently.
“Yes…please, yes!” you moan, arching against him and offering yourself wantonly.
Ryan reaches for lube and coats himself, all the while, looking at you, and soothing you with nonsense words, then he is pushing inside you slowly, one inch at a time, stopping when you show the slightest discomfort, then continuing when you relax, until he is completely sheathed and your bellies are flush against one another.
“Is this…okay?” Ryan asks huskily, staring at you with heavy lidded eyes, not moving in you, letting you get used to the feeling first.
You moan and nod, biting your lip to keep from crying out, “Slow…please slow…” You manage to mutter through a haze of fear.
Ryan begins to move so very tenderly against you, thrusting gently, watching you the entire time to make sure that he isn’t hurting you in any way, trying to control himself, but finding it very difficult, “So tight…so fucking good…” he mutters, kissing your neck and grunting animalistic ally against your neck,” Let go…let go for me, Hayden…enjoy it…”
You whimper at his words and grasp him tighter, “I can’t…please! Stop, please! Don’t hurt me, Please! I love you-don’t hurt me anymore! I’ll be good! I’ll be better…don’t…”
Ryan stops moving in you, losing his erection immediately and slipping from your body. He pulls you close in a tender embrace.
“It’s not him, baby…he’s not here…he can’t…he can’t hurt you anymore. Its Ryan, Hayden…it’s me. It’s Ryan, and I won’t hurt you, I promise. I love you…so much. I love you, Haydie…”
You slowly come back to reality and cry against Ryan’s shoulder, “I’m sorry…I want this…I do. Its just…Fuck! I’m so sorry…”
“Shhhh,” Ryan soothes, “It’s okay, baby…. it’s all right. I’m here for you. I’m here….”
When at last you stop crying, Ryan lets you go and just watches you intently, waiting for an explanation, but not pushing you for one.
“There was this guy…he hurt me…a lot…” you manage to grind out between deep breaths, “I’m sorry…”
There is so much more you want to say, but you don’t know how. This was something you never counted on-meeting someone you liked who actually liked you in return. Ryan is the wild card in your life-and you don’t know how to play it.
Ryan merely nods slowly, and pulls you close again, “It’s okay, Hayden, it’s going to be okay…”
You lay together for nearly an hour, doing nothing more than being held by Ryan and caressed soothingly. You murmur contentedly, like a cat, and he smiles, “You feel so good in my arms, you know that?” he kisses your curls on the top of your head sweetly and you smile against him.
“Ryan…please…” you say, so suddenly, it surprises even you, “Touch me…please?”
Ryan is holding you close and it feels so good, “I don’t want to hurt you,” he whispers harshly against your skin, “Tell me to stop if you need too,”
You nod and moan wordlessly, arching against him, needing his touch, his kiss, his…everything.
“Make love to me, Ryan…please…”
Ryan whimpers at your words, moving gently now, finding a rhythm, still holding you close, “You feel so good, baby,” he groans, sounding pained.
You wrap your legs around him and urge him on, “Love me…love me…” you repeat, like a mantra, against his neck.
“I’m close, baby,” he gasps, moving faster now, “So fucking close…”
You whimper in response and tighten your legs around him, “Come for me…” you beg, not even recognising the lustful voice you are using now.
“God, Yes!” Ryan moans, and now your bodies find perfect rhythm together, moving as one. Two taut, masculine forms, arching together in an ancient, forbidden dance.
“Wanna come inside you, Hayden…” he admits, sounding emotional and raw.
You whimper at his admission and manage another nod, “Yeah…come inside me, baby…please…want you too. Need it….”
Ryan comes a moment later, almost as if on cue, letting out a shaky, soft sigh of release, and bringing his mouth to yours, mouthing you wetly and languidly as he slows his movement to a stop, and then relaxes against you, slowing his breath and whimpering like a child. In the aftermath of his orgasm, he is shaky, needy…vulnerable, “God, Hayden…I’ve wanted this for so long…wanted you for so long…since before I even met you!” he sounds close to tears.
Only now do you become aware that he is slowly stroking your cock between your two bodies, and you moan, arching into his hand, seeking the release he has enjoyed inside your body, but he stops and you whimper in frustration, opening your eyes questioningly.
Ryan smiles down at you and rolls off and onto his back, pulling you with him so that you are now on top, “Fuck me,” he whispers harshly, spreading his legs wide and arching, offering himself in a wanton display.
You try to pull away, ducking your head shyly.
“I’ve never…I don’t know…how…” you admit, embarrassed.
Ryan looks mildly surprised, but he doesn’t seem to really mind.
“I’ll show you…I’ll guide you…please…make love to me….” Ryan’s voice is breathless in its entreaties, as he kisses you, stroking your hair and pressing against you, “Please, Hayden?”
Your eyes roll back in your head as he guises you inside. Its so hot, so tight…. you gasp loudly at the sensation, and push gently inside, wanting to fuck him hard and rough, but managing-just barely-to hold back.
Ryan swallows hard and smiles up at you softly, “Does it feel good?” he mutters.
“Oh yes…” you whisper shakily, inching in slowly until you are completely sheathed within his white heat, “Oh Ryan….”
“Move in me, Hayden,” he implores, wrapping his muscular legs around your waist and gripping your shoulders tightly, kissing you deeply, “Please…move for me…”
You do. You strobe your hips gently in a circular motion against his body, withdrawing and then thrusting ever so slightly, pulling back to watch his face as you make love to him. Ryan’s eyes are closed, his mouth slightly agape. He moans each time you thrust and whimpers when you withdraw. He turns his head to one side, and bites his lip, pleasure etched on his face.
You slowly begin to move ever faster against him, needing too, needing the release. Ryan’s eyes open, and even though he is looking to the side, you see tears sliding down his cheek and realise that he is crying.
“Are you…okay? Am I hurting you?” you ask, freezing in place, terrified again.
Ryan looks at you quickly; shaking his head and trying to find the right words, “No…don’t stop…feels so good. Just…I never felt this way-about anyone…never wanted anything this much…”
His words bring tears to your eyes as well, and you both cry as you continue to make love, kissing desperately, stroking skin, writhing together as one, “Oh God! Never knew it could feel like this…could be like this…” you whimper against him and then you come and the pleasure overwhelms you so much, you think you will black out.
When you come, it is more than a physical release-it is about so much more than sex. It is about love and understanding and pain and hurt and suffering. Your body spasms violently against his, and you cry out in a nearly primal scream of completion as you spill heavily inside Ryan, while he holds you close and kisses your neck lovingly, your tears mingling together as you slow your motion to a stop, and simply lay on top of him, spent physically as well as emotionally.
You cry and he holds you, “Thank you…” you whisper harshly, thanking him for…so many things.
He strokes your hair gently and nods against your neck, “That is what is called making love, Hayden….” He says softly, and you nod because you know how right he is.
“Stay inside me,” Ryan begs, and you do, falling asleep still buried inside his body.
Ryan awakens a few hours later to find you dressing in the dark.
“You were just going to sneak out?” Ryan sounds crushed, looks crushed-you feel like a piece of trash.
“I….Ryan, I can’t…let myself love you…I can’t let myself…”
Something akin to anger appears in Ryan’s eyes for the first time, “Fuck you, Hayden, all right? Just…fuck you! I’m trying to help you! I love you-doesn’t that mean anything to you?”
“Ryan,” you whine, miserable.
“No!” Ryan cuts you off coldly, “Just shut up, okay? I’m done! I’m so fucking done! It’s bad enough that you won’t talk to me, won’t tell me anything about yourself….then you come here, uninvited, all needy and horny-and we sleep together, and I’m honest with you, and tell you my feelings, and now….just get out and fuck off!”
You stare at Ryan impassively for a moment, feeling wretched, but knowing that he is right, “I’m an asshole, I’m sorry…” you offer softly, “I’m just….scared, okay? I’ve never done this before-anything like this. I know you have-you’re married for fuck’s sake! You have children, and ex-boyfriends and…all that. But I haven’t…..The only guy I ever slept with…ever loved…raped me…beat me ….his name was James…he was my friend for years. And…. I loved him…but he…got sick….he changed, and he started to hurt himself..and me. It wasn’t his fault, he couldn’t help it…but he hurt me so much and now…I don’t know how to love anyone…”
You see the look of absolute revulsion on Ryan’s face.
“ Do you want to hear about how I let him cut me? How I let him put out his cigarettes on my back? Or haven’t you noticed the scars all over my back?”
You are becoming hysterical now.
“I saw them…” Ryan admits softly, “I didn’t know what they were-I was afraid to ask…”
“There’s more!” you taunt, “Do you want to know more?” How much do you want to know, Ryan? How much can you take?”
“Stop!” Ryan begs now, holding his hand up in surrender, “Okay-I get it. Enough! Stop…please, stop…”
You stop at last, hysterical now, gasping for breath, rubbing your hands over your face in disgust and emotional exhaustion, and watch as Ryan slowly walks over to a chair and sinks into it, avoiding your eyes, lost in thought. He looks pale, as if he feels sick. Slowly, he raises his eyes to meet yours, “How long? How long did you stay with him?”
Ryan shakes his head, trying to comprehend what you have just told him, “Oh, Hayden…why did you let him hurt you?
You shake your head helplessly, “He didn’t mean it…he couldn’t help it. He was…sick…I loved him….I wanted him to get better….”
“I don’t understand, Hayden,” he says honestly.
“I don’t…expect you too. Like I said, you can’t help me. No one can help me. I saw a shrink for a while. Nothing helps. That’s why I drink. When I start thinking too much about the past, I drink-and it goes away for a while.” You know how pathetic that makes you sound, but it’s the truth, so you say it.
. At last, he turns and faces you, looking at your face in its profile, feeling so very sorry for you, “It wasn’t your fault,” he says, knowing that you probably, somehow blame yourself, “What he did, what happened to him-it wasn’t your fault, Hayden.”
“Yes, it was,” you reply, believing it.
“Oh, God, Hayden,” Ryan mumbles, rubbing his eyes and searching desperately for something to say. This is all way beyond him.
“I understand if you…don’t want to see me anymore. I’m sorry-I’m fucked up…” you offer.
This is exactly why you avoid relationships and sex.
Ryan swallows thickly and looks at you again, his voice is low and soothingly as he reaches out to caress your chest gently, “I want to see you, baby-I love you. That hasn’t changed. This changes nothing.”
You laugh bitterly, not believing him, “How can it not?’ you ask sceptically.
Ryan cuts you off quickly, “He hurt you….but I won’t. “
“What is this-between us?” you ask, gesturing between the two of you helplessly.
Ryan smiles softly, “I believe it could be love…if you could give us a chance.”
You are so confused. You know that what Ryan is saying is probably true-but you loved James so very much, and his illness nearly destroyed you. You don’t know if you can ever trust yourself in a relationship again.
“It wasn’t his fault,” you say again, softly but firmly, “He didn’t mean to hurt me…”
Without that belief, you would have gone insane long ago….
FLASHBACK
There were times that you almost enjoyed it-almost-the violent sex, the hitting-because at least then, James was paying attention to you, and not lost in his own little world, not even seeming to notice that you were even there. When he came inside you, you were blissfully happy. He would slip from your body and hold you then and kiss and caress your body and face and it felt so good because you loved him so much and wanted him to love you too, wanted him to get well again, and be the wonderful person you had once known him to be.
When he would hit you, and call you filthy names, and accuse you of trying to hurt him, it made you cry, but at least he was there, talking to you-even if his talking was more like screaming. At least he wasn’t sitting huddled in a corner, talking to the voices in his head-or off somewhere, shooting up or getting drunk or doing something else to self medicate and silence the voices that tortured him in his mind.
You shake your head at the sickness of it all-you hate yourself. How could you be so gross? Actually liking it when he hit you just because it meant he was with you? How could you sill love him, even after he did those…things to you? How could he get sick? How could he do that to you? How dare he get sick and abandon you!
END FLASHBACK
“What do you want from me, Ryan?” you ask, tormented, “I can’t give you what you want-I’m fucked up! I can’t give you a relationship…”
Ryan kisses your temple gently, “Just…give me what you can, Hayden…just give me what you can…”
You give him a sort-of smile, and get up and dress, “I have to go-I have an event to go to with Tove tonight-he gets pissed when I’m late.”
Ryan reclines on the bed and just watches you dress.
“See you soon?” he asks quietly.
“Sure…wanna come by for breakfast tomorrow?” you ask, feeling almost optimistic.
Ryan smiles and nods and you leave.
The next day, you awaken at six in the morning-easily the earliest you have awoken in a years-and wait for Ryan to appear for breakfast nervously.
Tove watches you as you sit in the living room, staring out the window like a puppy waiting for his master to return home, and he smiles. He’s happy for you-it has been so long since he has seen you want someone half as much as you want Ryan at that moment. Tove smiles, “You look like a kid waiting for Christmas morning,” he says mildly, sipping coffee in the doorway.
You turn and look at Tove and duck your head, embarrassed, “I like him…I mean, I really like him, you know?”
“Yeah, I guessed that much!” Tove laughs lightly, “I’m off for a run, baby boy….”
He walks over and runs his hand through your curls, looking at you wistfully, “I hope….never mind…”
Tove leaves for his morning run, and Ryan pulls into the driveway a few minutes later. You practically sprint to the front door to greet him.
“So….. breakfast time,” Ryan smiles that lopsided smile of his that you love so much and steps inside, “I brought muffins.”
He holds up a bag. You smile shyly, ducking your head and gesturing towards the kitchen with your hand.
Ryan begins slowly, as if he has rehearsed this speech a million times-perhaps he has.
“Hayden, I….just wanted to see you and tell you that I understand if…you don’t want me around after…..but-I meant what I said to you-everything I said, when we were making love…I do love you, Hayden. And I do want to help you…if you’ll let me.”
He reaches out across the table and takes your hands in his, willing you to meet his steady gaze, which you do reluctantly, “You are gorgeous and wonderful and talented and smart…I want to be with you. I want to make you believe that about yourself. Will you give us a chance, please?”
You laugh slightly because if you don’t you are going to cry instead, and you are so tired of crying, “How…how can I deny a request like that?” you smile.
Ryan smiles in relief and gets up, walking around the table to stand next to you. He crouches next to you and smiles up at you, pushing hair out of your eyes lovingly.
Tove pushes into the kitchen throw the swinging door, drenched in sweat and dressed in his running clothes. He pauses when he sees Ryan there, “Oh…hey…” he manages to say, pouring a large glass of water and gulping it down.
Ryan stands up slowly and extends his right hand, “You must be Tove,” he smiles.
“I am he-and you are Ryan Philippe, ” Tove flashes Ryan one of his million dollar smiles, “But you really don’t want to shake my hand right now-I’ve just run three miles, and I’m sweating like a Bangkok whore”
Ryan pulls his hand back as if from a fire, “Three miles?”
“Yeah…keep telling Hayden he should start doing it with me. I run it every day-it’s the best stress relief there is…of course, he can’t do it until he gives up smoking…”
Tove eyes you affectionately and laughs, walking over to you and bending down to kiss the top of your head affectionately, “Got to go, boys. Quick shower and I’m off to the office!”
Tove fairly bounces out of the kitchen, leaving a rather perplexed Ryan in his wake. You have to laugh at the look on Ryan’s face, “Is he always like that?” Ryan asks, scowling slightly.
“Like what?” you ask, smiling knowingly.
“So…perky?”
You laugh, “Yeah…I guess,” you manage to say.
“I thought you said the two of you were alike…”
“In some ways we are-just not when it comes to running…or smoking…or early mornings….or perkiness!” you smile.
Unable to control yourself any longer, you dissolve into laughter with Ryan now-and realise it is the first time in a very long time that you have laughed this hard or felt this good.
Maybe, just maybe, you and Ryan can make this work….
Ryan smiles at you, “Hayden….tell me more? About James?”
You take a deep breath.
You tell him, though it wrenches your heart to do so. You met him in high school, playing ice hockey. The two of you became fast friends, and lovers during the summer after high school graduation. You had gone to a fireworks display with a group of friends, and wondered away together in the darkness, James taking you by the hand and leading you away with a knowing look on his face.
You found a spot in an open field, and gave in to a passion you had both been flirting with for months. He made love to you and then you made love to him. Then you lay naked in one another’s arms and told each other that you loved one another. It had been a beautiful night.
You were lovers for nearly two years-while you lived and worked in Vancouver, and James went to university nearby.
James was perfect-good looking, athletic, friendly, and smart. He had a great future ahead of him, and you could only hope and pray that he would not tire of you, and you could be a part of that future with him.
Things began to go wrong so subtlety that at first you did not even notice…small things-like James asking you if you had left the television on or the radio because he could clearly hear voices in the next room….James seeming distant, with a faraway look in his eye, as if he were listening to something that you could not hear.
At first, you thought it was drugs-and you were horrified that James would do them. In retrospect, you almost wish it had been drugs-at least there were rehabs for addicts-there was little recourse for someone with Schizophrenia….
There were days when he was completely normal, and days when he was steadily more insane…you got used to it, almost. The screaming, the ranting, the talking to voices only he could hear….you took him to countless doctors, specialists, trying to figure out what was wrong with him. You still loved him so very much, despite his problems, and wanted to help.
Then, one day, he held a butcher knife to your throat when you awoke in the morning, tied you to a kitchen chair and interrogated you for hours, accusing you of trying to kill him-putting poison in his food, putting shards of glass in his drinking water…you sat in the chair and cried and told him you would never hurt him, and that he was imagining all of this-and that only enraged him further.
He beat the shit out of you….he raped you on the kitchen floor….you are certain he would have killed you if it were not for Tove coming over unexpectedly and discovering you both…Tove easily overpowered him, and called the police, even as you begged him not too.
James spent two days in custody before being diagnosed-at last-as a paranoid schizophrenic, and transferred to a psychiatric ward.
You did not press charges. You had him released into your care. You paid his medical bills and tried to care for him at home as best as you could, despite Tove’s protests. James didn’t have anyone else. His mother was dead-no siblings, his father was a bastard who had basically disowned him for being gay….you could not abandon him when he needed you the most.
. He would lay in bed with you, crying and asking, “Why is this happening to me? What’s going to happen to me?” and you would cry as well because you had no answers for him.
But sometimes he would still hurt you-when he was having a ‘bad day’….he would scream at you, hit you, burn you with cigarettes, tell you he hated you…..some days you would have to lock yourself in your bathroom to keep him from killing you. You would sit on the bathroom floor, listening to him rage outside, and cry and shake because you were so frightened of him, but you knew it was the illness doing this to him-that was not the James you knew and loved.
He would calm down eventually, and find you locked in the bathroom, beg you to come out, and you would take him in your arms and both of you would cry until you had no tears left.
One day, he tied you to the bed while you were still asleep. He raped you, and cut your back with a knife, drawing blood from your skin as you screamed in agony and begged to stop. You recall him leaning forward to whisper in your ear, “Did you think I wouldn’t figure it out, Hayden? They told me! They told me how you put the poison in my food…how you told the government about me…. I know you want to kill me, but I will survive!”
Eventually, you passed out from the pain and loss of blood. The doctor in the ER told you he was surprised that you didn’t die, and urged you to press charges, but you didn’t…you couldn’t. It wasn’t his fault….he was sick….
After that, Tove moved in, telling you, “If you won’t have him out, then you’ll have to have me in….I’m gonna protect you, baby brother.”
And Tove did-he was wonderful. He was never mean or rude to James-he knew the boy was sick-but when James was having a bad day, Tove would watch him like a hawk and keep him from you. It must have been exhausting for your big brother, but he did it because he loved you.
Things calmed down and seemed to return to normal-or at least a new kind of normal. You got used to James having bad days, talking to himself, having paranoid delusions. You still managed to go to the set of “Higher Ground” and say your lines and hit your marks…you still managed to pay the bills with modelling work….and you still managed to go to auditions. Your heart ached, and you were exhausted most of the time…at night, you would crawl into bed beside James and just hold him. You would tell him about your day if he was well enough to comprehend your words…sometimes, if was strong enough, you would still make love. Some nights, when he was drunk or stoned out of his head or lost in his own world, you would simply hold him and cry…..this was your life for a year.
Then you got the role of Anakin Skywalker and things simply could not go on as they had been. You had to move to LA, and there was no question that James simply could not go with you.
You made the hardest decision of your life-to have him committed to a private clinic outside of Vancouver, and to go to LA without him.
It was so very hard-this was supposed to be the happiest time of your life, and yet you could not share it with the person you adored the most in the world. You missed him so much, you felt physically ill most of the time. You visited him as often as you could, not that you really think he even knew you were there most of the time…..when the craving and the need became too great, you would go to see him and-if he was lucid-you would slip the nurse an extra hundred dollars, and she would pretend not to notice you locking James bedroom door. You would strip and hungrily offer yourself to James, making love with him on the small single bed, desperate for release, for love, for affection….
One afternoon, as you disrobed, James stopped you, stilling your hands as you unbuttoned your oxford shirt hurriedly, “Don’t,” he whispered harshly, looking sad.
“Why not? Don’t…don’t you want me?” you asked, confused.
“Of course I do,” James said bitterly, “But…we can’t do this anymore. I cant let you…waste your life on me anymore…you’re a movie star, Hayden-you’re rich, you’re gorgeous….what the fuck are you doing here with me?”
“What do you mean?”
“I’m in an asylum, Hayden-I’m a schizophrenic-and I’m not going to get any better! I’m only going to get worse-you know that as well as I do! So, what are you doing coming here and having sex with me? Why do you even want to touch me?”
You could not believe his words, “You’re my boyfriend…” you whimpered, “I love you…I don’t care that you’re…here. That we have to make love here…as long as I can be with you, that’s all that matters to me. I love you…”
James shook his head and pushed you gently away from his body, even as you tried to caress him, “I love you too…so much…too much to let you go on doing this….we have to…end things, Hayden. You deserve better than me, better than…this…what I’ve become….”
Distressed, you felt yourself begin to hypervinellate, “No! You could still …get better…there are new drugs all the time and new breakthroughs…I haven’t given up hope.”
“Maybe I have, Hayden,” James replied softly, reaching out to brush away tears from your cheeks, “I….don’t want you to come here anymore. I don’t want to…see you again.”
“WHAT?” you screamed, not at all expecting this, “You can’t! You can’t do this to me-I love you! I want to see you! Please don’t do this to me!”
James pressed his security button and two security guards appeared, unlocking the door from the outside instantly.
You stood before James, broken and crying, “Please don’t send me away. Please-I need you. I love you….”
“Let me go, Hayden,” James replied firmly, “Find someone who can give you the life you deserve-the life I would give you if I could. Be happy, baby-for me. Goodbye, Hayden….”
He nodded to the security guards who placed their hands on your shoulders and drug you from the room, as you sobbed and begged James to let you stay.
That was two years ago. You have not seen him since. Tove visits sometimes, and tells you that James is completely gone now-lost in a world of paranoia and delusions and that it is best that you don’t see him that way. You continue to pay all of his medical bills. You write him letters every month, but you never receive an answer, and you don’t know if he even reads them…
You have been talking now for an hour straight. At last you finish and look up at Ryan, sitting across from you, “So, now you know…everything.” You say at last.
Ryan just stares at you, “That is the saddest fucking story I have ever heard.” He says at last.
You smile bitterly, “Thanks,”
“I’m serious,” Ryan continues, running his hands through his hair distractedly, “That’s so sad it makes me feel sick…”
You nod slowly, “I know what you mean,” you admit sadly.
Then Ryan is stroking your face gently and pulling you into his arms. You go there willingly, and let him hold and stroke you. You close your eyes and try to enjoy the intimate caresses, but old memories bubble to the surface-James making love to you for the first time, his face so handsome….James tying you up and beating you senseless, calling you a slut and a whore….James in the asylum, laying back on his bed and watching you ride him with a dazed look of pleasure on his face….James telling you goodbye….
You realise that you are now on your back with Ryan gently grinding himself against you, kissing your neck and sucking on it seductively
“Why are you trembling?” Ryan sounds perplexed, pulling back to stare at you, ‘What’s wrong?”
“I can’t…not right now…I’m sorry,” you say, pulling away.
Ryan looks at you sadly, but nods his understanding, “I should probably…go,” he says, sounding very much like he wants to stay.
You nod absently, and he stands up to leave, “Can I call you, Hayden….do you want to see me again?” he asks, sounding a little desperate.
You stare into space for a while before you answer him, “I don’t know, Ryan. I don’t know about…us…. I need time to think about stuff. Please don’t hate me…”
Ryan runs his hands through your hair and kisses the top of your head, “I could never hate you, baby,” he whispers softly, “Call me when you’re ready…. I’ll be waiting…”
He leaves and you watch him go, hoping that he means it…
TBC…