FIC UPDATE!
LOVING RYAN-FINALE
By Anisapologist
Rating:PG-13
Warnings: Angst, mention of drug/alcohol abuse
Dedication: This final chapter is dedicated to TheMarisa who inspired me to write this ending!
While you scream and curse, Tove deposits you on the living room couch, then stands over you, preventing you from getting up.
“I’m NOT going to a rehab!” you scream at him, in a rage.
Tove smiles ruefully, “Who gave you the impression you had a choice, baby boy?” Tove asks, “You’re going whether you want to or not, Den. And you know why? Because I am NOT burying you. I will NOT watch you die-you can hate me, you can hate Ryan, but we love you, and we’re going to save you.”
You have no clue how to respond to that, so you simply glare up at Tove in silence. Then you sit back on the couch and roll your eyes, “Ryan doesn’t love me,” you mutter.
Tove grabs both of your shoulders and pulls you up to a standing position before you even have time to react. His face is centimetres from yours and his eyes are wild with anger, “You selfish little shit! Do you have any idea what Ryan’s been through with you? Especially this last week? I don’t think he slept more than two hours a night! He didn’t eat, he didn’t fucking bathe-all he did was look for you! He loves your sorry ass so much he can barely stand it! Don’t you dare accuse him of not caring about you!”
Tove shakes you a few times, as if he thinks that by doing so, he can make you see the truth. Then he lets you go, and you crumple to the floor again, sobbing at Tove’s feet pathetically.
Tove is unmoved, “Get upstairs and pack a bag. We are leaving this house in ten minutes…”
He walks away, and you remain on the floor for another minute before realising that you truly have no choice in the matter. Slowly, you manage to draw yourself up and stumble upstairs to your room to get some clothes and a few other things.
Tove appears in your doorway a few minutes later and grabs your bag, “Let’s go,” he says flatly, turning on his heel. You follow mutely.
Tove drives for about a half an hour before he speaks to you again, and when he does his voice is calmer, but still flat and devoid of any real emotion, “Haydie, what happened to James was…horrible. I was there, and I saw what happened, and what it did to you…I know how much you loved him. And believe me, if I could have somehow stopped that from happening…shit, I would have given my right hand to prevent you from going through that. I would have done anything…but he’s gone, baby. And you’re still here, and a lot people love you, Hayden. And Ryan? He fucking worships you! You could do worse in this world then have a boyfriend like Ryan, you know…. this place I’m taking you to? It’s the best. I’ve done a lot of research, and this is the best place for you right now. They can help you get better, Den-but you have to let them help you. You have to be honest and open up to them, you know? Stop keeping everything so bottled up inside, okay?”
Tove glances over at you and sees that you are crying again. He pulls the car over to the side of the road, and pulls you against him in a bear hug embrace that only makes your cry harder, “I’m so scared, Tove!” you admit, “I’m so fucked up! I don’t know…if I can get better! I’m so scared of staying fucked up! What if they can’t help me?”
Tove sighs and kisses the top of your head softly, “They can help you, Hayden-they can help anyone. You just have to let them…”
You are quiet for a long time, and then you say, very softly, “I’m sorry, Tove…”
Your brother gives you one of his smiles and glances at you, “What for, baby boy?”
You swallow and force the words out, “For everything. You’ve been looking after me my whole life-and I’m an adult, I should be taking care of myself by now.”
Tove gets a faraway look in his eyes, “You’re so…sad, Hayden…all the time. It’s so hard to watch. I just want you to be happy, baby-that’s all I’ve ever wanted for you…”
“I know,” you reply sadly, wanting to be happy, but not knowing how to be, “I’m sorry, Tove…”
“Hey-don’t. No. You don’t have to be sorry for…being sick.” Tove says a bit harshly, and then crushes you against his chest, feeling the bones of your back through your shirt, and shuddering slightly at the feel of them, “you’ve been through..so much. But, we’ll get through this, okay? I promise.”
You nod against his chest.
Its not that the rehab is a bad place-it isn’t. It just reminds you so very much of the clinic you committed James to, and that makes you feel sick to your stomach.
The doctors and staff are nice and very discreet, but the place is so…clean and white and…sterile. And the people are all strangers to you, and you don’t want to share your problems with them. It takes you a week to come out of your suite, and another three days before you are willing to go to therapy.
The physical withdrawal is not as bad as you had feared, but being sober and straight forces you to face the ghosts of your past-and the pain of your present-head on. There is no more numbness to protect you-and that is hard. You feel as though the walls of your sanity are tumbling down around you, and you don’t know if you will ever be able to rebuild them.
Tove takes a hotel suite nearby, and visits every day, making sure to eat lunch with you, to see for himself that you actually eat something. Other family and friends visit-Adam, Jason, your mom-everyone except the one person you hope to see, want to see-Ryan. You never mention his name, but he is all that you think about-and Tove knows it.
And-like always-Tove comes through for you yet again.
It is your twenty fourth birthday and Tove arrives to visit like always-only he has brought another visitor with him today…. your eyes widen and your smile is genuine for the first time in weeks.
“Ryan!” you whisper, almost not believing your eyes.
“Hello, Hayden,” Ryan says softly, eyeing you as if he is not sure whether this was such a good idea, “Happy birthday…”
You smile slightly and feel your eyes fill with tears, “Matthew…” you choke, calling him by his real name, “Oh God…its so good to see you…”
“I’ll go get myself some lunch,” Tove excuses himself, exchanging a look with Ryan, a grateful look.
Ryan rushes to you as soon as your room door is closed, and you embrace so hard, it is difficult to breathe, “My baby…” he whispers against your curls, kissing them gently, “I’ve missed you so much…so much.”
It feels so good and you allow yourself to just be held and to hold and to cry and to kiss and to feel….
“I love you…I love you so much, baby…” you hear yourself saying, “I’m so sorry…I…”
“Shhh…” Ryan is soothing you now, stroking your back reassuringly, “It’s all in the past now-I love you too, Hayden.”
You sit with Ryan and eat your lunch while he tells you stories about his children and makes you laugh. After a while, he reaches out and takes your hand in his, kissing it gently, and becoming serious.
“So, are you getting better? Is this place…helping?” Ryan asks hopefully.
You smile warmly, “Yeah, I think it is. I know it is…It’s hard, but…I’m getting there.”
Ryan nods slowly, “Good…Do you remember our first date? After that photo shoot? You totally hated me! That night was…such a disaster!”
You smile softly at Ryan, realising that you had not thought about that night-had not even remembered it-in so very long, “I didn’t hate you, Ryan. I was afraid of you-I was afraid of everyone. I was…so messed up…”
“I wanted you so badly that night….wanted to take you to my bed and kiss you and hold you…you seemed so sad, so lost.”
“I was.” You admit softly, “I had visited James the day before…. he was having a bad day and he tried to attack me-these orderlies had to grab him…it was so awful. I cried myself to sleep that night-then had to fly back early the next morning to make it to that shoot. I tried to cancel, but my agent wouldn’t let me…”
Ryan looks away, the pain clear on his face, “I can’t even imagine what you’ve been through, Hayden…to love someone that much and then have them…hurt you like that….”
The hole in heart that James left begins to ache a bit dully, “He hurt himself much more than he ever hurt me,” you justify, “I wish you could have…known him, somehow. He was a good person. He didn’t deserve what happened to him.”
“I know…I know. I just…I’m so sorry for you.” Ryan says honestly.
You smile warmly and take Ryan’s hands in your own, “Thank you…did you really want me back then?”
Ryan nods, blushing madly, “Remember? I kissed you!”
You laugh happily, “Oh, I remember! You almost made me come in my pants! God, I wanted you to fuck me in one of the toilet stalls…”
“And I wouldn’t let you-you were so pissed!” Ryan scoffed, rolling his eyes.
“Yes, I was pissed! I thought you were leading me on and then turning me down! And…I felt guilty too. Because of James….”
You look away, “I felt guilty for wanting someone other than James. But…he was so sick, and I was….so lonely…”
“Were you ever with other people? While you were still with James?”
You give Ryan a painful look, “Not for a long time. But, after a while…a few years…yeah. I would get so lonely, and James was so sick and he couldn’t…sometimes when I’d visit, I’d want to make love to him, but he was…so out of it, and we couldn’t…or he would want to, but he couldn’t get hard, you know? He would get so frustrated, so upset. He would cry and it was just…awful….”
FLASHBACK:
“Fuck!” James pulls away and lies beside you on the small bed, staring at the ceiling, angry. He’s angry because he can’t get hard, he’s angry because he’s locked in this awful place, because he’s ill…he’s just…angry all the time now.
You reach for him, understanding, “It’s okay, James…it doesn’t matter…” you whisper.
“It matters to me!” James growls through gritted teeth, “Jesus, I can’t even…fuck anymore! What good am I to you?”
You close your eyes against the pain in his words, “Don’t say that…I love you, James. I don’t care about that…”
James laughs humourlessly and sits up, turning his back to you, rubbing his face in frustration, “I want you, Hayden. I love you…I want to please you, but I can’t…I’m sorry. Your visit was a waste of time.”
You sit up and grip his shoulders from behind, “No! It wasn’t! I got to see you, be with you…that’s all that matters to me! There’s other ways to love each other, James…it doesn’t have to be about sex.”
James is crying now, and you feel so helpless, “Why are you here, Hayden? Why do you still come here? I’m useless to you now…”
You begin to cry as well, “I love you. You’re my boyfriend. I’m here because I love you.”
James loses it completely now, standing up and turning on you, “You love me? You locked me up! You put me in a mental institution, Hayden-you love me? If you loved me, you wouldn’t have left me here! You were too embarrassed to keep me around! Too ashamed of me! I don’t go with your Hollywood image, do I?”
You just stare up at James sadly, “Don’t say that, James…it’s not true.”
“Isn’t it?” he sneers, “All you ever cared about was being a star! You couldn’t wait to get rid of me once I got sick-I was just a dead weight to you!”
“Please, James…” you whimper, sobbing, “ I didn’t want to put you here. We had no choice, you know that…and I still hope to bring you to LA. I am trying to find a place for you there….”
“Oh, another asylum-one closer to your mansion so you won’t have to travel too far to see your crazy lover?” James claws at you sarcastically.
You shake your head, crying, “Stop!” you beg, not wanting to go there, unable to.
“Does the truth hurt, Hayden? “ James taunts you now, "Because the truth is, you locked me away when I wasn’t convenient for you anymore!”
“You need care, James! I can’t do it for you-I wish I could! I can’t! I’m on-set half the year, and I’m not a doctor! I can’t take care of you! Fuck! Don’t you think I would if I could? Don’t you think I want too? Don’t you think it fucking…kills me to come here and see you here? Like this?”
You are shouting now, and James stares at you in stunned silence, seeing how much pain you are in because of his illness, and you see the guilt come over his features all at once, but you can’t stop the words from coming now, “I hate seeing you like this-sick like this! Why did you have to get sick? Why did you leave me? We could have had it all-everything! Money, fame, a mansion-and each other! But you had to get sick, you had to lose your fucking mind, and now…I’m so alone, all alone all the fucking time! And you’re here-in this fucked up place! I’m sorry! I’m sorry I put you here!” your voice is cracking and hoarse now, “I’m sorry I couldn’t help you! Couldn’t save you…”
The silence is deafening as you both sit and cry for a long time, and then James gets up and dresses silently as you watch him.
He hands you your clothing listlessly, “Go back to LA, Hayden. Your life is there now.”
You shake your head miserably, “We still have an hour to visit. Don’t make me leave! I want to spend time with you-I miss you so much. Please?”
You can see the emotions crossing James’s face and you know he is torn between wanting to be with you, and wanting to push you away, “Please, God, Hayden..If you love me like you say you do, you’ll leave now. Don’t do this to me-don’t make me want what I can’t have anymore…”
You are utterly devastated, but you do as he asks and leave, dragging yourself back to LA.
Back at home the next day, so very depressed and hating yourself, you try crystal meth for the first time….and for a little while, at least, you find peace…
END FLASHBACK
Ryan kissing your temple brings you back to the present.
“I started to sleep with other people after that visit. I figured James didn’t want me anyway, so why not? I always felt bad after, though…that’s when I’d drink or do some drugs…”
Ryan takes your hand in his, “You don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to…” he offers gently.
“No, I want to…” you smile,” I really do. I’ve never talked about it, you know-not with anyone, not even Tove. It hurt too much to talk about it…but I want you to know everything, want you to hear it…”
Ryan nods slowly, and you go on.
“I started doing drugs to numb myself, I guess…then I started sleeping with other guys-- but I didn’t want a relationship, so…I slept with hookers mostly, or people I knew just wanted to fuck me…James was my only boyfriend-until I met you. Even when he was…so horrible to me, I still loved him. I knew it wasn’t his fault-he was just sick, and I guess…I guess I felt that if I were a decent boyfriend-a decent person-I would stand by him through his illness. I tried to do that-I really, really did.”
“I know you did, Hayden,” Ryan says, “And he knew it too.”
“I hope he knew…” you say softly.
“It wasn’t your fault, you know,” Ryan says, reading your thoughts, “You didn’t have any other choice, Hayden-you had to commit him. I’m sure that James knew that, too.”
You smile ruefully, “I know,” you manage to reply, “For…so long, I blamed myself for that-for putting him the clinic. I felt like I abandoned him. But the truth is, I couldn’t have cared for him. I wasn’t strong enough. He needed to be where he was. And I know…I know he understood that, deep down. He knew. When he was well enough, he told me that he understood, and I know that when he said those…awful things, he didn’t know what he was saying. It was the illness talking, not James, you know? He knew I loved him. He knew, he knew…”
You say it over and over again, more to yourself then to Ryan, convincing yourself of the truth in your words.
Ryan smiles because he sees that perhaps at last you are truly and finally forgiving yourself for something that was never your fault in the first place.
Ryan stares at the floor for a long time and then says very softly, “I still love you, Hayden…I still want to be with you.”
“Even now?” you reply, not quite believing it to be possible, “After…everything?”
Ryan smiles at your disbelief, “Yeah…even now, after everything…question is, what do you want? Can you love me? Do you love me?”
“God, yes! Isn’t that obvious by now?” you half-laugh, half-cry.
You begin to cry then because you are at once gloriously happy and terribly sad. Sad that James had to suffer and leave you but so happy at the prospect of finding love again with Ryan, “The doctors think I can leave here soon. Will you wait for me?” you ask shyly, ducking your head.
Ryan smirks at you like he always does, “I’ve waited this long, haven’t I?””
“I want us to live together-but get our own place, a new place….a new beginning.”
Ryan’s smirk turns into an honest smile now, “That sounds wonderful, Christensen.”
“I love you, Ryan…” you whimper, biting your bottom lip, “Always.”
You will never forget James, but you are finally, at long last, moving on. You hope that wherever James is now, he is smiling. You think that he probably is….
Ryan pulls you close and smiles against your curls, “I love you, always-always and forever.”
FINIS
By Anisapologist
Rating:PG-13
Warnings: Angst, mention of drug/alcohol abuse
Dedication: This final chapter is dedicated to TheMarisa who inspired me to write this ending!
While you scream and curse, Tove deposits you on the living room couch, then stands over you, preventing you from getting up.
“I’m NOT going to a rehab!” you scream at him, in a rage.
Tove smiles ruefully, “Who gave you the impression you had a choice, baby boy?” Tove asks, “You’re going whether you want to or not, Den. And you know why? Because I am NOT burying you. I will NOT watch you die-you can hate me, you can hate Ryan, but we love you, and we’re going to save you.”
You have no clue how to respond to that, so you simply glare up at Tove in silence. Then you sit back on the couch and roll your eyes, “Ryan doesn’t love me,” you mutter.
Tove grabs both of your shoulders and pulls you up to a standing position before you even have time to react. His face is centimetres from yours and his eyes are wild with anger, “You selfish little shit! Do you have any idea what Ryan’s been through with you? Especially this last week? I don’t think he slept more than two hours a night! He didn’t eat, he didn’t fucking bathe-all he did was look for you! He loves your sorry ass so much he can barely stand it! Don’t you dare accuse him of not caring about you!”
Tove shakes you a few times, as if he thinks that by doing so, he can make you see the truth. Then he lets you go, and you crumple to the floor again, sobbing at Tove’s feet pathetically.
Tove is unmoved, “Get upstairs and pack a bag. We are leaving this house in ten minutes…”
He walks away, and you remain on the floor for another minute before realising that you truly have no choice in the matter. Slowly, you manage to draw yourself up and stumble upstairs to your room to get some clothes and a few other things.
Tove appears in your doorway a few minutes later and grabs your bag, “Let’s go,” he says flatly, turning on his heel. You follow mutely.
Tove drives for about a half an hour before he speaks to you again, and when he does his voice is calmer, but still flat and devoid of any real emotion, “Haydie, what happened to James was…horrible. I was there, and I saw what happened, and what it did to you…I know how much you loved him. And believe me, if I could have somehow stopped that from happening…shit, I would have given my right hand to prevent you from going through that. I would have done anything…but he’s gone, baby. And you’re still here, and a lot people love you, Hayden. And Ryan? He fucking worships you! You could do worse in this world then have a boyfriend like Ryan, you know…. this place I’m taking you to? It’s the best. I’ve done a lot of research, and this is the best place for you right now. They can help you get better, Den-but you have to let them help you. You have to be honest and open up to them, you know? Stop keeping everything so bottled up inside, okay?”
Tove glances over at you and sees that you are crying again. He pulls the car over to the side of the road, and pulls you against him in a bear hug embrace that only makes your cry harder, “I’m so scared, Tove!” you admit, “I’m so fucked up! I don’t know…if I can get better! I’m so scared of staying fucked up! What if they can’t help me?”
Tove sighs and kisses the top of your head softly, “They can help you, Hayden-they can help anyone. You just have to let them…”
You are quiet for a long time, and then you say, very softly, “I’m sorry, Tove…”
Your brother gives you one of his smiles and glances at you, “What for, baby boy?”
You swallow and force the words out, “For everything. You’ve been looking after me my whole life-and I’m an adult, I should be taking care of myself by now.”
Tove gets a faraway look in his eyes, “You’re so…sad, Hayden…all the time. It’s so hard to watch. I just want you to be happy, baby-that’s all I’ve ever wanted for you…”
“I know,” you reply sadly, wanting to be happy, but not knowing how to be, “I’m sorry, Tove…”
“Hey-don’t. No. You don’t have to be sorry for…being sick.” Tove says a bit harshly, and then crushes you against his chest, feeling the bones of your back through your shirt, and shuddering slightly at the feel of them, “you’ve been through..so much. But, we’ll get through this, okay? I promise.”
You nod against his chest.
Its not that the rehab is a bad place-it isn’t. It just reminds you so very much of the clinic you committed James to, and that makes you feel sick to your stomach.
The doctors and staff are nice and very discreet, but the place is so…clean and white and…sterile. And the people are all strangers to you, and you don’t want to share your problems with them. It takes you a week to come out of your suite, and another three days before you are willing to go to therapy.
The physical withdrawal is not as bad as you had feared, but being sober and straight forces you to face the ghosts of your past-and the pain of your present-head on. There is no more numbness to protect you-and that is hard. You feel as though the walls of your sanity are tumbling down around you, and you don’t know if you will ever be able to rebuild them.
Tove takes a hotel suite nearby, and visits every day, making sure to eat lunch with you, to see for himself that you actually eat something. Other family and friends visit-Adam, Jason, your mom-everyone except the one person you hope to see, want to see-Ryan. You never mention his name, but he is all that you think about-and Tove knows it.
And-like always-Tove comes through for you yet again.
It is your twenty fourth birthday and Tove arrives to visit like always-only he has brought another visitor with him today…. your eyes widen and your smile is genuine for the first time in weeks.
“Ryan!” you whisper, almost not believing your eyes.
“Hello, Hayden,” Ryan says softly, eyeing you as if he is not sure whether this was such a good idea, “Happy birthday…”
You smile slightly and feel your eyes fill with tears, “Matthew…” you choke, calling him by his real name, “Oh God…its so good to see you…”
“I’ll go get myself some lunch,” Tove excuses himself, exchanging a look with Ryan, a grateful look.
Ryan rushes to you as soon as your room door is closed, and you embrace so hard, it is difficult to breathe, “My baby…” he whispers against your curls, kissing them gently, “I’ve missed you so much…so much.”
It feels so good and you allow yourself to just be held and to hold and to cry and to kiss and to feel….
“I love you…I love you so much, baby…” you hear yourself saying, “I’m so sorry…I…”
“Shhh…” Ryan is soothing you now, stroking your back reassuringly, “It’s all in the past now-I love you too, Hayden.”
You sit with Ryan and eat your lunch while he tells you stories about his children and makes you laugh. After a while, he reaches out and takes your hand in his, kissing it gently, and becoming serious.
“So, are you getting better? Is this place…helping?” Ryan asks hopefully.
You smile warmly, “Yeah, I think it is. I know it is…It’s hard, but…I’m getting there.”
Ryan nods slowly, “Good…Do you remember our first date? After that photo shoot? You totally hated me! That night was…such a disaster!”
You smile softly at Ryan, realising that you had not thought about that night-had not even remembered it-in so very long, “I didn’t hate you, Ryan. I was afraid of you-I was afraid of everyone. I was…so messed up…”
“I wanted you so badly that night….wanted to take you to my bed and kiss you and hold you…you seemed so sad, so lost.”
“I was.” You admit softly, “I had visited James the day before…. he was having a bad day and he tried to attack me-these orderlies had to grab him…it was so awful. I cried myself to sleep that night-then had to fly back early the next morning to make it to that shoot. I tried to cancel, but my agent wouldn’t let me…”
Ryan looks away, the pain clear on his face, “I can’t even imagine what you’ve been through, Hayden…to love someone that much and then have them…hurt you like that….”
The hole in heart that James left begins to ache a bit dully, “He hurt himself much more than he ever hurt me,” you justify, “I wish you could have…known him, somehow. He was a good person. He didn’t deserve what happened to him.”
“I know…I know. I just…I’m so sorry for you.” Ryan says honestly.
You smile warmly and take Ryan’s hands in your own, “Thank you…did you really want me back then?”
Ryan nods, blushing madly, “Remember? I kissed you!”
You laugh happily, “Oh, I remember! You almost made me come in my pants! God, I wanted you to fuck me in one of the toilet stalls…”
“And I wouldn’t let you-you were so pissed!” Ryan scoffed, rolling his eyes.
“Yes, I was pissed! I thought you were leading me on and then turning me down! And…I felt guilty too. Because of James….”
You look away, “I felt guilty for wanting someone other than James. But…he was so sick, and I was….so lonely…”
“Were you ever with other people? While you were still with James?”
You give Ryan a painful look, “Not for a long time. But, after a while…a few years…yeah. I would get so lonely, and James was so sick and he couldn’t…sometimes when I’d visit, I’d want to make love to him, but he was…so out of it, and we couldn’t…or he would want to, but he couldn’t get hard, you know? He would get so frustrated, so upset. He would cry and it was just…awful….”
FLASHBACK:
“Fuck!” James pulls away and lies beside you on the small bed, staring at the ceiling, angry. He’s angry because he can’t get hard, he’s angry because he’s locked in this awful place, because he’s ill…he’s just…angry all the time now.
You reach for him, understanding, “It’s okay, James…it doesn’t matter…” you whisper.
“It matters to me!” James growls through gritted teeth, “Jesus, I can’t even…fuck anymore! What good am I to you?”
You close your eyes against the pain in his words, “Don’t say that…I love you, James. I don’t care about that…”
James laughs humourlessly and sits up, turning his back to you, rubbing his face in frustration, “I want you, Hayden. I love you…I want to please you, but I can’t…I’m sorry. Your visit was a waste of time.”
You sit up and grip his shoulders from behind, “No! It wasn’t! I got to see you, be with you…that’s all that matters to me! There’s other ways to love each other, James…it doesn’t have to be about sex.”
James is crying now, and you feel so helpless, “Why are you here, Hayden? Why do you still come here? I’m useless to you now…”
You begin to cry as well, “I love you. You’re my boyfriend. I’m here because I love you.”
James loses it completely now, standing up and turning on you, “You love me? You locked me up! You put me in a mental institution, Hayden-you love me? If you loved me, you wouldn’t have left me here! You were too embarrassed to keep me around! Too ashamed of me! I don’t go with your Hollywood image, do I?”
You just stare up at James sadly, “Don’t say that, James…it’s not true.”
“Isn’t it?” he sneers, “All you ever cared about was being a star! You couldn’t wait to get rid of me once I got sick-I was just a dead weight to you!”
“Please, James…” you whimper, sobbing, “ I didn’t want to put you here. We had no choice, you know that…and I still hope to bring you to LA. I am trying to find a place for you there….”
“Oh, another asylum-one closer to your mansion so you won’t have to travel too far to see your crazy lover?” James claws at you sarcastically.
You shake your head, crying, “Stop!” you beg, not wanting to go there, unable to.
“Does the truth hurt, Hayden? “ James taunts you now, "Because the truth is, you locked me away when I wasn’t convenient for you anymore!”
“You need care, James! I can’t do it for you-I wish I could! I can’t! I’m on-set half the year, and I’m not a doctor! I can’t take care of you! Fuck! Don’t you think I would if I could? Don’t you think I want too? Don’t you think it fucking…kills me to come here and see you here? Like this?”
You are shouting now, and James stares at you in stunned silence, seeing how much pain you are in because of his illness, and you see the guilt come over his features all at once, but you can’t stop the words from coming now, “I hate seeing you like this-sick like this! Why did you have to get sick? Why did you leave me? We could have had it all-everything! Money, fame, a mansion-and each other! But you had to get sick, you had to lose your fucking mind, and now…I’m so alone, all alone all the fucking time! And you’re here-in this fucked up place! I’m sorry! I’m sorry I put you here!” your voice is cracking and hoarse now, “I’m sorry I couldn’t help you! Couldn’t save you…”
The silence is deafening as you both sit and cry for a long time, and then James gets up and dresses silently as you watch him.
He hands you your clothing listlessly, “Go back to LA, Hayden. Your life is there now.”
You shake your head miserably, “We still have an hour to visit. Don’t make me leave! I want to spend time with you-I miss you so much. Please?”
You can see the emotions crossing James’s face and you know he is torn between wanting to be with you, and wanting to push you away, “Please, God, Hayden..If you love me like you say you do, you’ll leave now. Don’t do this to me-don’t make me want what I can’t have anymore…”
You are utterly devastated, but you do as he asks and leave, dragging yourself back to LA.
Back at home the next day, so very depressed and hating yourself, you try crystal meth for the first time….and for a little while, at least, you find peace…
END FLASHBACK
Ryan kissing your temple brings you back to the present.
“I started to sleep with other people after that visit. I figured James didn’t want me anyway, so why not? I always felt bad after, though…that’s when I’d drink or do some drugs…”
Ryan takes your hand in his, “You don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to…” he offers gently.
“No, I want to…” you smile,” I really do. I’ve never talked about it, you know-not with anyone, not even Tove. It hurt too much to talk about it…but I want you to know everything, want you to hear it…”
Ryan nods slowly, and you go on.
“I started doing drugs to numb myself, I guess…then I started sleeping with other guys-- but I didn’t want a relationship, so…I slept with hookers mostly, or people I knew just wanted to fuck me…James was my only boyfriend-until I met you. Even when he was…so horrible to me, I still loved him. I knew it wasn’t his fault-he was just sick, and I guess…I guess I felt that if I were a decent boyfriend-a decent person-I would stand by him through his illness. I tried to do that-I really, really did.”
“I know you did, Hayden,” Ryan says, “And he knew it too.”
“I hope he knew…” you say softly.
“It wasn’t your fault, you know,” Ryan says, reading your thoughts, “You didn’t have any other choice, Hayden-you had to commit him. I’m sure that James knew that, too.”
You smile ruefully, “I know,” you manage to reply, “For…so long, I blamed myself for that-for putting him the clinic. I felt like I abandoned him. But the truth is, I couldn’t have cared for him. I wasn’t strong enough. He needed to be where he was. And I know…I know he understood that, deep down. He knew. When he was well enough, he told me that he understood, and I know that when he said those…awful things, he didn’t know what he was saying. It was the illness talking, not James, you know? He knew I loved him. He knew, he knew…”
You say it over and over again, more to yourself then to Ryan, convincing yourself of the truth in your words.
Ryan smiles because he sees that perhaps at last you are truly and finally forgiving yourself for something that was never your fault in the first place.
Ryan stares at the floor for a long time and then says very softly, “I still love you, Hayden…I still want to be with you.”
“Even now?” you reply, not quite believing it to be possible, “After…everything?”
Ryan smiles at your disbelief, “Yeah…even now, after everything…question is, what do you want? Can you love me? Do you love me?”
“God, yes! Isn’t that obvious by now?” you half-laugh, half-cry.
You begin to cry then because you are at once gloriously happy and terribly sad. Sad that James had to suffer and leave you but so happy at the prospect of finding love again with Ryan, “The doctors think I can leave here soon. Will you wait for me?” you ask shyly, ducking your head.
Ryan smirks at you like he always does, “I’ve waited this long, haven’t I?””
“I want us to live together-but get our own place, a new place….a new beginning.”
Ryan’s smirk turns into an honest smile now, “That sounds wonderful, Christensen.”
“I love you, Ryan…” you whimper, biting your bottom lip, “Always.”
You will never forget James, but you are finally, at long last, moving on. You hope that wherever James is now, he is smiling. You think that he probably is….
Ryan pulls you close and smiles against your curls, “I love you, always-always and forever.”
FINIS