Here goes a bit of prose

[hazathin]

This is an excerpt from a paragraph of a piece I have started. The voice of the narrator changes dramaticly through this bit, and indeed at this moment you will find it probably echoes more of how I would describe something. Furthermore, do not read this bit expecting it to explain the continuing plot. This is a bit of narration in the midst of

Comments

[wamblingwalaby]

hmm. Your descriptions are lovely, but mayb a bit wordy? If you could keep the description, but cut a bit of the words inbetween, it might seem more lifelike, in that you get a higher concentration of adjectives, thus the other words won't distract as much from the descripgin you are doing. ex;
"and the uneven ends hint to the idea that it has not been trimmed in some time"
although the wording is amusing, you can summerize that in slightly less words I believe.
But i loved the physical description that does get described.

[2meyoureperfect]

"desire by the teeth" --> "desire of the teeth" (?)

"The mess has an average" --> "This mess has..."

"hint to the idea" --> "imply"

A little bit overwritten but extremely descriptive. Props for that. Some of the phrase-ology (haha phrase-ology) is a little off perhaps but with a little bit of tightening up I think that won't be a problem. :-)