to my unmarried friends who are in committed relationships
Just some things to think about. I'm not saying get married, just be prepared so you can make things easier for each other.
http://seattletimes.nwsource.com/html/living/2003543236_liztaylor29.html
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There's a lot you can't do if you're not married
By Liz Taylor
Special to The Seattle Times
What if:
- You paid into Social Security and your pension for 40 years, then died. Traditionally, your wife or husband would collect a monthly check to help with the mortgage, but not this time.
- You've lived with someone for 20 years whom you love dearly and, at age 80, she's in the hospital, dying. Her adult children don't like you and say you can't see her.
- Your loved one, who is not legally part of your family, is recovering from cancer surgery and needs constant care. Federal law allows family members to care for each other if they become extremely ill for up to 12 weeks without losing their jobs, but unless you live in California, Hawaii or Vermont, you're out of luck -- you'll have to keep working and hire help.
As readers know, I'm zealous about preparing for our futures as we age. But it's tough -- it takes planning and forethought, homework to make sure we have the right plans in place and then making sure we've provided for the people we love.
It's one thing to cover your bases if you're married. It's much tougher if you're not married but in a committed relationship, gay or straight.
The fact is, the law protects the rights and benefits of married people when they divorce or one of the spouses dies, even in the absence of advance planning, but it does the opposite -- outright denying them -- for couples who aren't married.
The consequences can be severe. Unmarried partners in committed relationships cannot inherit from each other without a will; cannot collect survivor benefits from Social Security or workers compensation; sometimes cannot get health insurance through the partner's job; cannot make medical, legal and financial decisions on behalf of an incapacitated loved one when there's no Durable Power of Attorney; can be barred from visiting the partner in the hospital if a sibling or parent makes a fuss; and cannot necessarily even arrange the deceased partner's funeral.
That's a lot of "cannots" in a society where, for the first time, in 2005, married couples became the minority, compared with all American households. According to The New York Times, the census shows that 51 percent of women are now living without a spouse. Stephanie Coontz is a professor at The Evergreen State College in Olympia and director of public education for the Council on Contemporary Families, a nonprofit research group in Chicago. She says the average American now spends half of his or her adult life outside marriage.
Some will say, "Well, it's a free country, and people can just get married if they want its benefits." But, really, it's not that simple. Straight couples can marry, but some don't want to. Many older people (especially women) are financially penalized if they remarry because of pension and Social Security rules. Others prefer not to. And in most states, gay and lesbian couples aren't allowed to marry. I have several longtime friends in both categories.
It's time to change some of these inequities. Currently before our state Legislature is a domestic-partnership bill, sponsored by Sen. Ed Murray, D-Seattle, and others, that proposes to give all unmarried couples some of the rights of marriage -- to visit a partner in the hospital, inherit property without a will, give consent for health care if a partner isn't competent and others.
"While this bill doesn't come close to providing unmarried couples with the 1,400-plus legal benefits and protections of civil marriage," says Josh Friedes, Advocacy Director of Equal Rights Washington in Seattle, "its passage will provide some of the basics that will help them live with greater economic security and peace of mind."
In the meantime, we all need to protect our backs by preparing for our futures as we age. According to Rob Morrison, an attorney in Seattle who specializes in these issues, until the laws protect the rights of committed couples who don't marry, here are important steps to take:
- To make health-care decisions for your partner if he or she becomes incapacitated (as well as visit in the hospital), you and your partner must sign Durable Powers of Attorney for health care, each appointing the other to make those decisions.
- To make financial decisions, you need to sign Durable Powers of Attorney for financial matters, allowing either of you to have access to the other's financial accounts and preventing a guardianship proceeding.
- To provide for your partner's financial security if you die first, you must have a will or a revocable living trust. Without one of these, any assets in your name will go to your biological family after your death, not to your partner. Because the probate system in Washington is the simplest in the country, a will is better because it's cheaper. However, if you're concerned about your biological family causing problems after your death, a revocable living trust may be better -- but ask a lot of questions if a lawyer recommends it over a less-expensive will.