(no subject)
Remember when? (repost)
Pairing: Jonghyun/Taemin
Rating: NC-17
Summary: Coming home after three long years, Jonghyun realizes that everything has changed.
Don't believe everything happiness says
Nothing feels better than hiding these days
Some moments in life are more beautiful than others. Some are so overwhelming and confusing that you lose yourself in the waves of emotions, not knowing whether to laugh or to cry, painfully caught in the middle.
Jonghyun experienced one of those moments when he parked his car in his parents’ driveway, visiting them for the first time in three long years. His heart was strumming to an unknown beat as he took a deep breath, basking in the familiar smell of grass, wood and something distinctly homely.
He felt restless, an unbearable longing in his chest making him giddy and lightheaded. It was a bit embarrassing, how excited he was to see his parents’ home again, practically barging through the front door in his haste. And it seemed that he wasn’t the only emotional one - Jonghyun only had the time to catch a glimpse of the same old striped wallpaper, same dark cherry cupboard in the corridor, before he was pulled into his mother’s arms.
The words she muttered while trying to squeeze him in half were barely comprehensible, matted with tears and heavy with ecstasy. Jonghyun wasn’t surprised to see her discreetly wiping her eyes when she finally loosened her hold. There were new wrinkles on her face and he could see some grayness in her hair but she sounded just as energetic, rambling about how much Jonghyun was missed, asking questions she didn’t give him time to answer.
Jonghyun smiled softly, his own vision blurring as his mother shook like a leaf from contained sobs. His father was more reserved, looking more tired than Jonghyun remembered, years of work and constant worry having pressed deep lines into his otherwise handsome face. He shook his son’s hand firmly, voice trembling with pride as he appraised the man his son had grown to be.
It happened so fast - hurried stories of what they’d been up to were exchanged, accompanied by hysterical bursts of laughter, and once they were properly reunited, a wall appeared between them, constructed by time alone.
The awkwardness hurt.
Everything in the house he used to call his home seemed smaller, older, dustier, worn. He felt like a stranger, standing on a carpet, stained from that time he had held his first house party and all sorts of drinks were spilled by his careless quests. Driven by discomfort, he excused himself and wandered to his old room. A pang of some indefinable feeling twisted his stomach into knots as he took in the plain poster-less walls, the new duvet on his bed, the whole room obviously freshly tidied up for him. It didn’t feel like it belonged to him anymore, the haven he remembered. Only the tree branches blocking out sunlight were in their place, just as Jonghyun had left them.
After dragging his suitcase up to his room, exchanging strained smiles with his parents who watched him silently, happily, he wanted out.
Jonghyun was tired from the long drive there, from his mother’s spazzing, from the tension hanging in the air as none of them found the correct words to say. After a while, the heavy atmosphere would fade, Jonghyun knew from experience, but for the time being, he just needed a moment alone.
“I’m going for a small drive around town,” he told his parents nervously, as if he still needed their approval. He bounced the car keys on his palm, itching to leave the suddenly so suffocating place.
“Ah... Lots of things have changed, yes,” Jonghyun’s mother said gently, unsurprised. There was an edge to her tone which actually sounded relieved. “Well, we’ll have plenty of time to catch up later, since you are staying for a week, yes?”
Jonghyun nodded, and after a soft “Go on, shoo,” he went flying out of the door, as eager to leave as he’d been to arrive.
It was when he saw the old playground, which had once been his favorite hangout spot, unused, slides and monkey bars rusting, weeds settling in the cracks of the pavements, did he wonder if he made a mistake by coming back. He had expected everything to be as bright and warm as he left it, but there were new constructions replacing old buildings, new lights, a new aura, new, new, new, new.
Stopping by the convenience store that had been repainted, redesigned, Jonghyun felt bile rise up to his throat. By coming to this sleepy town, he had planned to revisit some of his precious memories, yet there wasn’t a trace of them left.
He shook his head, just slightly, forcing a smile on his lips, because really, it wasn’t like he could stop the world from spinning. Catching his reflection on the side mirror, he stopped, though, because the grimace his features had contorted into looked worse than a regular frown.
Only one thing would work to cheer him up, he figured, snorting at his own predictability and pulling into the parking lot. Getting drunk. Getting so drunk that he would be able to enjoy himself even while surrounded by ghosts of the past. Grabbing his wallet and locking the doors, he found himself hesitating, afraid of displeasing his parents.
But then again - he was an adult, fully capable of taking care of himself.
Jonghyun was busy placing a six-pack into his cart, mentally ticking ‘beer’ off his shopping list, when a person walked up to him. Well, not really to him, since the guy was only interested in the alcohol, not sparing Jonghyun a glance. But there was something familiar about him, in the way he carried himself, in the way he pressed his index finger to his lips and furrowed his brows while deciding which beverages to buy.
“Taemin,” Jonghyun breathed out, barely audible over the low whine of the air conditioning.
The man heard him, though, tilting his head as he blinked at him once, twice, thrice before his eyes flashed with recognition.
“Jonghyun? Is that really you?”
Jerking his head up and down, because - wow, wasn’t this just the mother of all coincidences, Jonghyun used the chance to let his gaze slip over Taemin’s body scrutinizingly. The one he used to refer to as “kid” had certainly grown up nicely, his shoulders wider and arms more toned. He was still slim, just no longer in a gangly, skinny way. Taemin seemed to have muscles in all the right places, his hips still narrow, collar bones temptingly sharp. His face was more angular, having lost the fat that had clung to his cheeks so stubbornly, but his chin was still familiarly pointed, nose small and slightly curved, lips thick.
He was a bit sad to discover that Taemin had lost his childish openness, the twinkle in his eyes hinting of hidden intelligence and wisdom instead.
“Oh my god, has it really been five years?” Taemin exclaimed, all graceful movements and flashing teeth and Jonghyun had to swallow the lump that had formed in his throat. His hands clenched around the handle of the cart as he racked his brain for an fitting answer.
Damn, his ex-boyfriend looked fine.
“Hah, yeah, I guess. Time really flies, huh? So... What’cha doing back here? I thought you went to college already,” Jonghyun asked carefully, because school was a good, neutral subject, wasn’t it? Or not.
Fuck.
He didn’t miss the slight hitch in Taemin’s breath and felt like kicking his own ass - did he really have to bring up the reason why they went their separate ways this early in the conversation?
But Taemin showed his maturity by brushing it off, even cracking a smile. “Yeah, I just got a short break and wanted to get off campus for a while so here I am. I’m actually going back tomorrow.”
“What are you majoring in?”
“Dance...”
The sideways look he shot Jonghyun was nothing short of mischievous as he picked up a bottle of vodka. Jonghyun bit into his lower lip, elevated just by being in Taemin’s presence. It was nice to know that he wasn’t the only curious one, the feeling of Taemin’s eyes trailing all over him making him shiver with delight.
“You already graduated, yeah?” Taemin asked after clearing his throat, going back to his task of comparing per milles and prices.
“Yeah.”
“And what are you planning to do with your life now?”
It was more than obvious that the question was asked without any interest, just for the sake of being polite. So, instead of replying, bullshitting about dreams and goals and all that jazz, Jonghyun hummed boredly to let the younger know that he really didn’t care enough to ponder about that at the moment.
“Dunno. You? What are you doing with your life?” he shot back to keep the silence away while counting the bottles in his cart and wondering if those would be enough to make the uneasiness dissolve.
“Well,” Taemin said thoughtfully, pursing his lips in a manner that made Jonghyun’s chest ache, “I’m definitely planning to graduate...”
Jonghyun stifled a laugh. But then Taemin scrunched up his nose and the older of the two could hear the blood pulsing in his ears. All of Taemin’s habits, his little quirks Jonghyun had learned to love back when they were stupid teenagers, crazy for each other, were still there, unchanged.
“And then I think I’ll try to find some work as a background-dancer, maybe? I dunno, though, there are many talented dancers in my school and standing out is really hard. Minho says I’ll make it, but he’s - naturally - biased, and...”
Oh, and then there was Minho. Jonghyun didn’t know the guy personally, but a while ago, after flipping through his old photo album, he had wondered about Taemin’s well being and stalked his facebook. Minho was, apparently, Taemin’s current boyfriend, a freakishly tall photogenic jock who seemed to be obsessed with soccer and everything sports-related.
“... That was one of the reasons I decided to come here for a few days. The pressure was just... Getting to me, and,” Taemin declared, suddenly whirling around to stare at Jonghyun with a mix of wonder and accusation. “you’re... Easy to talk to,” he scowled as if spilling his troubles to someone he used to hold very dear to him was a crime, “you should tell me to shut up when I get too ahead of myself.”
Jonghyun snickered, rolling his eyes amusedly. “I won’t. It’s nice to see you again, really, Taeminnie.”
Taken aback by the pet name, Taemin almost dropped the bottle of wine he’d been examining. After their rather painful break-up, Taemin had been allergic to pet names, threatening to break up with his lover if he ever tried to use one on him.
“Yeah,” he muttered more to himself; the rush of memories, of the happy times they had shared, bringing a tiny but fond smile to his lips. With time, all the hate Taemin had harbored for the older man had vanished and all that was left was gratefulness, because Jonghyun had been the one to train Taemin in the arts of love.
“Hey, wanna hang out tonight?” Jonghyun asked at the spur of the moment, cutting into his train of thought. It seemed like a good idea, he definitely preferred Taemin’s company over his overbearing parents, as ungrateful as it was of him. Also, there was a spark between them that yearned to develop into something bigger and only Taemin, the one who had once molded him into the man he was, could ignite the fire. “We could like, catch up... And there seems to be plenty of alcohol for the both of us.”
Giggling at the pointed look Jonghyun directed at their carts, Taemin took a second to consider it.
“I don’t know, Jonghyun, as much as I’d love to,” it was quite pathetic, the way Jonghyun’s heart skipped a beat at that word, “it’s getting quite late and I was planning to catch the early bus... So I should-”
“Weak,” Jonghyun mocked playfully, ignoring Taemin’s disbelieving glare.
“Come on, live a little. I bet you’re all prim and proper and nerdy and tuck your shirt in your pants and pay attention and take notes and plan your essays and -”
Taemin shot him a scandalized look, “I do not!”
“Come on, Taeminnie,” Jonghyun said, jutting out his lower lip, half-expecting Taemin to grumble and agree just like he used to. Just in case that failed him, Jonghyun decided to use a more risque card for a double effect. “Come on, we don’t know if we’ll ever meet again. For old times’ sake, Taeminnie. Just like old times. Come on, really.”
“Just like old times,” Taemin mumbled as if not really comprehending the meaning of that line, eyes downcast and serious. Sucking in a lungful of sterile, filtered air, he gave Jonghyun a little hesitant nod.
In high spirits, Jonghyun tried to pat Taemin on the shoulder encouragingly, his touch perhaps just a bit too soft and lingering.
Retracting his hand, because some rather inappropriate thoughts popped into his mind, inspired by some of his favorite memories of them rogether, Jonghyun fidgeted self-consciously.
“Okay. So. The alcohol.”
We bury our fears in the drinks, in these tears
For the days we believed we could fly
“And where, exactly, are you planning to take me?” Taemin demanded once they’d heaved all the liqueur to the trunk and they were seated in Jonghyun’s car, belts fastened.
“I... Didn’t really think of that,” the older man admitted, preoccupied with the radio. After fumbling with the buttons for a while, he sat back and turned the ignition key, the hottest tracks playing in the background. “You’ve been here for a few days already, haven’t you? Everything’s changed so much that I barely recognize this place... Where do you want to go?”
Sneaking a peek at Taemin, it was like he was looking straight through the layers of time, seeing a smaller, younger Taemin, all open and trusting, stretching himself out on the worn passengers’ seat of his parents’ car. Jonghyun averted his gaze to get rid of the illusion.
“It’s weird isn’t it, feels all wrong.”
Jonghyun sighed in agreement, glad that someone shared his sentiments.
“I’d invite you to my place, but... That might not be a too good idea. It’s too... Ah- and anyway, my folks always did like you better than me so it’d be sad if they fussed over you on my last night in town,” Taemin joked, attempting to lighten the sullen mood tightly wrapped around them.
“Same here,” Jonghyun went along with it, “my mom cried when I got there today, but seeing you, she’d probably freak.”
“What can I do, I’m so loveable!”
A whole arsenal of snappy comebacks laced with flirtation formed on the tip of his tongue, but Jonghyun choked them all back. It was a scary realization - that this Taemin might not appreciate his suggestive, slightly immature sense of humor.
“So... If you just arrived today, why aren’t you home? Why all the alcohol?” the dancer asked, shifting around to make himself more comfortable.
Taking a random turn, Jonghyun breathed out through his nose. He had never been a man of many words, preferring to let his actions speak for him. It wasn’t like he was particularly afraid of expressing himself verbally, he just never found the need to.
But with Taemin, he felt oddly safe. Safe enough to pour his heart out, since the boy had witnessed the most embarrassing moments of his life anyway.
“Well, I was... I was like a stranger. A guest in their house,” he explained, hands tightening around the steering wheel. “It was just... Kind of really weird. Not like I had thought it would be at all. It wasn’t the same.”
“So you decided to get smashed.”
Jonghyun humphed affirmingly, stealing a glance in his general direction, pleased that Taemin didn’t press the issue. The teen was looking cozy in the leather seat and for a fleeting moment, Jonghyun just wanted to keep him there, with him.
We'll go back to the place where the night never ends
We'll remember the fires, the burning car tires
Boy how in the hell did we get here?
They sat in silence for a while, not really listening to the song played, not really paying attention to the lyrics, just letting the melody soothe them.
“Hey...” Taemin said, once he started to feel antsy, sitting up and peering outside to see where they were. “But seriously, where are we going?”
“Wanna go down the memory lane with me?”
There was something irresistible in the way Jonghyun’s lips formed the syllables, as if he’d been preparing those words for hours, expectant and hopeful. Jonghyun kept his gaze trained on the road, having lost some of the cockiness Taemin had once both admired and hated. Still, there was something about Jonghyun that drew Taemin in, making him incapable of denying Jonghyun anything.
“Sure.”
So why don't you meet me, down behind the old school
We'll waste away the weekend, with perfect regard for how
Cavalier we used to be, that beautiful insanity
The apathy's surrounding me
Don't close your eyes or we'll fade away
“Ssh,” Jonghyun pressed a finger to Taemin’s lips, giggling like a teenage schoolgirl as they snuck around their old school building, trying all the doors while juggling cans of beer. “Do you think they have an alarm system?”
Taemin frowned, removing the older man’s hand from his face and slumping against a cold stone wall, already working on uncorking another bottle of whatever it was he was drinking, he didn’t really care at that point.
“Could you shut the fuck up? You’re so loud, we’ll get caught even if they don’t have any” - hiccup - “alarm systems or cameras or whatever-the-fuck.”
Jonghyun was definitely a happy drunk, muffling his voice by biting into the back of his hand, wobbling unsteadily. He tried to say something but failed continuously, interrupted by fits of laughter, shoulders shaking with mirth.
“You,” he said, pointing at Taemin impolitely before bending forwards, hands on his knees. “You still start cursing when you’re drunk. I can’t, ohmygod, Taemin, you’re such a potty mouth.”
“And you haven’t stopped being a complete fucking moron.”
Taemin took another swig from his bottle, rolling his eyes exasperatedly. He watched Jonghyun struggle to think up a good reply, and was about to change the topic when the man flashed him a wolfish grin, dangerously tipping backwards.
“Oh, well, you love me anyway.”
He didn’t seem to understand what exactly he had blurted out, swaying on his feet with a dopey look on his face, but Taemin certainly did, sobering up just a little. For a second, his eyes prickled, because it all felt so very familiar, and a younger Taemin would’ve blushed and hit Jonghyun for such an unexpected declaration, but the current him didn’t know how to react.
To his relief, Jonghyun was too drunk to notice the sudden thickness in the air, waving at security cameras only he saw and having fun all on his own.
Busy drowning his miseries in his bitter amber liquid, Taemin startled as he got suddenly pulled off the wall and dragged to the park behind the school by a clumsy Jonghyun. The man snickered to himself and Taemin followed him obediently like a lost puppy, swearing loudly when some of his drink spilled.
“Remember when,” Jonghyun told him breathlessly, stumbling over pretty much everything but still managing to walk more or less straight. “Remember when I cut our names into a tree?”
Taemin’s head was spinning, but he somehow managed to connect the dots and he wrenched his arm out from Jonghyun’s grip, making a move to leave before they reached their special spot. It was too late, though, Jonghyun was rushing forwards, almost falling headfirst into the tree before successfully stopping in front of it.
Sighing, Taemin shook the bottle, listening to its contents sloshing around.
“What happened?” the college graduate asked after a moment of shock, sounding fearful and powerless, tracing what was left of their names with his index finger.
“Well,” Taemin sniffled, stance defensive, “remember - you did kind of break up with me... Out of nowhere. And I was a teenager. So. You can’t blame me for, uh, y’know. Scraping out the letters. I was fucking upset.”
“Oh.”
The disappointment so clearly audible in Jonghyun’s voice made Taemin feel guilty.It wasn’t like he could turn back time and stop himself from destroying this proof of their love, though, so he just gulped down his last drops of alcohol while eyeing the older man apprehensively.
Jonghyun deserved the pain, Taemin reminded himself, shards of his pain still clinging to him.
“I didn’t - I. I really cared for you,” Jonghyun said awkwardly, looking at Taemin over his shoulder and the teen wished he had brought more alcohol for their little walk just so he had something to distract himself with. But apparently, Jonghyun wasn’t done yet.
“You were my first love, know that, Taeminnie?” he swallowed, blinking a few times to get rid of the fog clouding his thoughts, “And - I never really apologized, did I? But. You remember how it went. I was just. We grew apart. I think.”
Taemin snorted with disbelief, but strangely enough, he didn’t feel any real resentment.
“Ah, why don’t you just say it like it is. A college student is too cool for a high schooler, isn’t he?” Taemin spat out sharply, finding pleasure in the way Jonghyun cringed with regret. “I get it, I get it, Jonghyun, don’t even bother. It’s just that - it. It, uh. It really hurt. Back then, I mean, it just really hurt.”
Jonghyun regarded him with eyes full of compassion and for a brief second, Taemin expected him to say something groundbreaking, something that would change everything.
But the man only shook his head sadly, announcing that he needs to pee and then stomping off.
Taemin laughed sarcastically, shuffling closer to the tree Jonghyun had once carved their names into. It was a tall pine, nothing special and yet, to them it had meant quite a lot. He could still remember how he stormed into the woods during his lunch break one day, having nicked a knife from the kitchen. He had been furious and betrayed, that scene where Jonghyun smirked at him, all arrogant and patronizing, still playing in his mind.
They had been invincible together in Taemin’s opinion, but there he had been, out of Taemin’s reach, saying that the boy was just too young for him, while their age difference had never bothered Jonghyun before. It had been just an excuse, Taemin had known even back then.
They had argued and fought, Jonghyun had called him names, awful names, telling him about all the girls he had already hooked up with.
Taemin remembered crying when his best friend, Jongin, found him, but not because of heartbreak, never because of Jonghyun, but in his carelessness, he had cut into his palm. The scar had faded, but sometimes it felt like it was still there.
In the end, despite all the torment, Jonghyun was still in his most happiest memories.
Don't believe everything happiness says
Nothing’s as real as our old reckless ways
When we drink by the fires
The burning car tires
Bad girls and good liars
The dreams we'd conspire
The days we went crazy
The nights wild and hazy
Man, how in the hell did we get here?
“I’m cold,” Taemin complained when Jonghyun got back, a small smile lighting up his face. There was no point in holding a grudge, especially when he was drunk enough to trip over his own feet.
“And I ran out of liqueur. Wanna go back to the car?”
They held hands on their way back, fingers interlocked because the night had long fallen over them and the sky was pitch black. Jonghyun’s arm somehow wound up around Taemin’s waist after the boy shivered for the third time and they leaned on each other heavily, singing sappy old love songs and gesturing wildly.
After Taemin purposely stepped on Jonghyun’s feet, because the man’s screechy falsettos were deafening him, they decided to play a game of “remember when”, their little stories soon approaching dangerous subjects.
“Remember when... You dared Jongin to kiss that girl from your class?”
Taemin laughed, his friend’s helpless expression still burned to his mind. Jongin had thanked him later since he’d been crushing on the oblivious girl for ages and finally got the opportunity - or rather, he was forced - to do something about it.
“Remember that night when my parents weren’t home and we tried to watch a movie and Taesun walked in on us making out on the couch? That was fucking scary.”
“Yeah, it was the best,” Jonghyun ruffled Taemin’s hair, finding it easy to fall back into old patterns, even if Taemin had grown quite a bit. “He was seriously cool about it, though, I thought he was gonna kick my ass - but, oh, I have a good one - remember the lecture he gave us about protection and gay sex? I almost died.”
“Oh god,” Taemin moaned, losing and regaining his balance, “I couldn’t even fucking look at him. Or you. For weeks.”
He hid his face in his hands and Jonghyun chortled.
“Was that why you avoided me? Christ, I thought you were mad at me or something...”
His lips brushed against the shell of Taemin’s ear as he spoke, and when the teen turned to answer him, Jonghyun found himself unable to breathe. It would’ve been so easy to just close the distance between their mouths but the man drew back.
“Remember when,” Taemin whispered, his voice sinfully silky, pupils blown and breath warm and moist, stinking of alcohol, “remember when you took my virginity?”
To his defence, Jonghyun did attempt to lighten the mood, loosening his hold around Taemin and barking a laugh. “Yeah, of course, you were such a baby. You cried, didn’t you? It was so damn embarrassing that I...” he trailed off when Taemin’s eyelids fluttered shut, the younger male straining his neck to move closer.
Honestly, who in their right mind could resist that?
The kiss was sloppy and slightly off-target and Taemin’s knees buckled so Jonghyun had to catch him only Jonghyun suddenly lost all strength and thank god that the car was near somehow made it to it - and wow, Jonghyun saw stars.
Breaking away from the man and wiping his mouth with the back of his sleeve, Taemin giggled before he popped open the trunk to pull out some unopened bottles. He offered one to Jonghyun, who was still, rather stupidly staring at him.
“Want to continue the game inside?” the teen suggested, tilting his head towards the car and Jonghyun pretty much scrambled to open the door, letting down the back seat so they’d have more room. His movements, albeit slow, were precise, and Taemin watched with mild amusement as Jonghyun pulled out some blankets from a duffel bag he’d forgotten in the car.
“You planned this,” he accused, climbing in after Jonghyun and settling down on his stomach, “You planned to bring me here, since we’re all alone. And then rape me.”
“Yep.”
Narrowing his eyes, Taemin rolled over to take a sip from his can while Jonghyun turned off the lights and put on some music. The dancer was about to say something else, something bratty and bitchy and whiny, just because he could, but Jonghyun beat him to it.
“Remember that time when we had sex in the bathroom of that noraebang place?”
Taemin let out a little gasp, eyes unfocused and lips deliciously parted as he recalled a flurry of clothes and desperate grunts and too harsh hands.
Jonghyun brought him out of his daze by burping rather loudly.
“Ew,” Taemin shuffled further away from the man, “you can’t just say something incredibly arousing and just. Fucking ruin it. Like that. Ew, fuck.”
“We’re both guys, Taemin, there’s nothing - wait, you found that arousing?”
“Nope.”
Jonghyun set his drink down, squinting to see the teen’s silhouette in the darkness. It was especially difficult, since everything was already swimming before his eyes and he ended up almost falling flat on his face. “Aw, come on, if you find something arousing, you can just. Say so, because. Uh, I mean, we’re both guys? And we shouldn’t be. Embarrassed. I mean, we’re guys?”
“There is nothing arousing about you,” Taemin lied through his teeth, praying to god that Jonghyun wouldn’t notice the bright flush staining his cheeks.
“Aw, come on,” the man repeated himself and Taemin could picture him pouting. “This is just cruel. I mean, I was awful to you and all. But this. You hurt my feelings, how can you just-”
Taemin shut him off by pressing their mouths together, unable to tolerate the elder’s ranting any further. He had forgotten about this habit of Jonghyun’s, how he turned into a spoiled child once he had enough alcohol, and while threading his hands through the man’s short hair, he wondered how many had seen him like this.
He reminded himself that he didn’t have the right to be jealous. And luckily, all troubling thoughts were banned from his head as Jonghyun kissed him thoroughly.
Even under the influence of some strong alcohol, he couldn’t help but to compare Jonghyun to Minho. While his current lover tended to be passive and calm, taking things slowly and worshipping every part of Taemin’s body, Jonghyun was passionate and daring, always open for new things.
Even as he pictured Minho’s loving smile, Taemin didn’t feel an ounce of guilt.
Jonghyun slipped his jacket off, Taemin’s shirt soon following. He didn’t get the chance to feel bad about it, because the man was already unzipping his jeans, palming him through his boxers while fumbling with his glove compartment to fetch a small tube of lubrication.
Shuddering, Taemin watched Jonghyun undress with heavy, half-lidded eyes. The man’s body felt hot under his fingertips and the years had definitely been good to him.
There was something practiced and familiar in the way Jonghyun pressed open-mouthed kisses down his chest, while it was new and exciting at the same time. Adrenaline rushed through his veins and every breath he took was more laboured than the last.
It didn’t take long for the car’s windows to fog up as they struggled to find release, uncoordinated and sloppy.
Everything happened in slow motion but too quickly for either of them to really savour it. One moment, Jonghyun was grabbing Taemin by his thighs, pressing him down flat on his back and hovering above him with a drunken smile, the next, Taemin’s boxers were dangling around a bony knee, legs spread and up in the air.
“No... Don’t,” the younger gasp out, propping himself up on his elbows as Jonghyun’s slippery fingers teased his ass.
The man looked up from his task, his bewildered expression soon melting into one of mirth. Jonghyun trusted Taemin to know his preferences so he sat up and crawled over Taemin, intentionally brushing their erections together.
“Hmm? What’s this?” he muttered, leaning forwards to whisper into Taemin’s ear lewdly, supporting his weight on his forearms so as not to crush him while semi-consciously grinding down. “You’ve been playing with yourself, haven’t you? Missing your lover, huh? Since when...” he licked Taemin’s earlobe experimentally, encouraged by the small mewl the teen emitted, “oh, tell me, Taeminnie, since when are you such a slut?”
What was usually seen as an insult only served to turn Taemin on even further. Jonghyun still remembered how to push his buttons in all the right ways and a rushed, messy encounter was just what Taemin needed to unwind.
The sexual tension was making Taemin dizzy and he flung his arms around Jonghyun’s neck, laughing breathlessly.
“Well, since when do you shave, Jonghyun? So - uh, yes - manly of you.”
Preoccupied with positioning himself, Jonghyun didn’t answer.Taemin’s ankles locked around his waist in attempt to tug him closer and after some shifting around, the man plunged into Taemin. Tingles ran up his spine as the familiar feeling of getting stretched and filled registered in Taemin’s muddled mind.
Jonghyun took him roughly, self control shattered by alcohol, and Taemin found himself actually appreciating the rawness of it. Sex with Jonghyun was mindblowing and selfish, angry even. Taemin arched off their makeshift bed to angle himself better, seeing flashes of white under his eyelids when Jonghyun grazed that special spot.
“Reh-re-member, hmh, oh god, when I shaved your legs,” Taemin said, clinging to Jonghyun, almost tearing his hair out - not that Jonghyun minded at that point.
The more muscular man’s body shook as he chuckled, stilling for a moment before picking up the pace again. Taemin was pleased to hear that Jonghyun was just as out of breath as he was.
“Are you trying to turn me off?”
Taemin flicked his nipple and Jonghyun flinched, hitting his head against the car ceiling. With a few long thrusts, the older had his revenge, making Taemin whine and beg for more.
“No,” the teen protested and Jonghyun sigh-grunted with disbelief, because how was Taemin able to sulk while getting laid, “You forgot that blowjob. I. I gave you in the bath-ah-room while your parents were home?”
Oh.
Jonghyun decided that it would probably be the best if he just shut Taemin up so he proceeded to do just that, slamming his hips even faster and raising both the volume and the pitch of Taemin’s moans. The younger enjoyed getting manhandled, busying his lips by sucking purplish marks onto the expanse of Jonghyun’s neck. His feet were smashed against the car window and he’d probably have bruises on them later; Taemin didn’t even want to think about how his back might look.
The cramped space was filled with noises of pleasure and sweaty skin meeting skin. Jonghyun was the more vocal one out of the two, since Taemin was intent on leaving a trail of hickeys on his body as a reminder of their impromptu affair.
It ended all too soon, Taemin sneaking a hand between them to jerk himself off while Jonghyun held his breath, screwing his eyes shut and letting his jaw hang loose. In his state of intoxication, he couldn’t handle the tightness and heat of Taemin’s body any longer, muscles contorting as he reached his orgasm.
“Ugh, you didn’t, like, fucking use a condom?” Taemin was quick to grumble once they were both satisfied, still under a pleasurable haze. Jonghyun snorted when Taemin wiggled his butt, cringing, but padded around obediently in order to find some tissues.
“At least you won’t get preggers.”
When he didn’t feel all gross and covered with semen anymore, the teen flopped down on Jonghyun’s lap, naked as the day he was born, and accepted the bottle of beer he was offered. Jonghyun checked him out shamelessly, the red splotches on Taemin’s pale skin making him grin proudly.
He listened to the teen complain about something - probably the fact that their drinks were already lukewarm - but didn’t pay much attention. Jonghyun was exhausted, while he still felt the buzz of excitement and by no means did he feel like sleeping. Taemin’s hair was nice and soft, well taken care of, so he gave the boy a head massage, or at least attempted to, taking comfort in the way Taemin slumped against him and purred like a pleased kitten.
Don't close your eyes or we'll fade away this time
And we'll never get back what we
Gave away, when we still had that fire in our eyes
The two stayed like that, cuddling closer when the air started to cool, speaking nonsense and talking about their lives. Their dialogue didn’t make much sense, both rambling listlessly.
They didn’t bother to put on clothes, not even when they needed to take a leak - which resulted in Jonghyun doubling over in laughter and promising to never forget the sight of Taemin prancing around, ass paler than the moon.
The sun definitely wasn’t on their side, peeking over the horizon way too early for their liking. By then, they had enough alcohol, sharing a bottle of carbonated water Taemin had wisely bought, instead. The morning chill crept into the car so they snuggled into the blankets and had murmured conversations.
Their laughter died out soon after they quit drinking, seriousness and thoughtfulness replacing crude jokes.
Taemin traced shapes and figures on Jonghyun’s chest, head resting on the man’s shoulder, as he told Jonghyun about everything - how he graduated, how he got into college, how he met Minho, how they moved in together, how he worked hard to earn his teachers’ respect and how people started to expect things of him. They exchanged sweet, lazy kisses that said more than any comforting words ever could.
“I don’t want to go back to the present.”
Jonghyun could only agree, his chest aching at the idea of Taemin slipping out of his life, never to be seen again.
“But. Just saying, um. You’re forgiven, you know,” it came out as a barely coherent mumble, but Jonghyun laughed, a sinking feeling in his stomach. It was like Taemin was tying off all loose ends - like, after this, there wouldn’t be a single reason for them to meet again, grudges already settled, the feelings they had dug up during their limited hours together forgotten.
Pulling the teen to his chest, he felt immensely grateful for this chance to see Taemin again, to spend some time with him, in a way, reliving the past. Taemin squeaked and writhed in Jonghyun’s arms, checking the clock pointedly.
Bittersweet, it was, when Taemin called Jonghyun a horny bastard, followed by some rather colorful phrases when the older pinched his butt, but leaned up to peck Jonghyun on the lips nonetheless.
Don’t go, Jonghyun wished to say, if he only had the right to stop Taemin.
Stay with me.
Even in his mind those short sentences sounded ridiculous. It didn’t matter if they had spilled all their secrets and connected in ways Jonghyun had previously considered impossible, they were still nothing but strangers with a shared past.
Starting fresh wasn’t really an option either, not after that night.
When Taemin slid out of their pile of blankets, shuffling around to gather his clothes, all Jonghyun wanted to do was to reach out and grab him, distract him with passionate kisses and teasing touches, maybe even a quickie, so the teen would miss the bus and somehow end up staying for a few days longer. But he couldn’t. It was better for both of them if they parted as old acquaintances, with friendly but meaningless goodbyes.
His whole body was sore for staying in one position for too long so he stretched out his limbs, groaning when his joints cracked. Taemin stopped in his struggle to shimmy into his boxers to shoot Jonghyun a coy, suggestive look which the elder didn’t react to.
The man was caught in the moment, admiring the glimmer of sunlight on Taemin’s body. Tiny goosebumps rose on the bare skin as the teen shivered and that was when Jonghyun knew that there was still quite a bit left of the love he once held for Taemin.
“What’chu starin at, old man? Haven’t-”
“You’re still just as beautiful,” Jonghyun couldn’t contain it, not really, the complement slipped out before he could activate the filter between his brain and his mouth. He wanted to hit himself when Taemin gaped at him, a blush coloring his cheeks at the unexpectedness.
The teen licked his lips, blinking like he used to do when he was nervous, when Jonghyun kissed him in the middle of hallways or whistled at him when he danced.
“I- uh. Thanks? I mean. Um. Are you coming with me? T-to my parents place, I mean, I gotta take my stuff, cuz the bus leaves in a while and, uh. We’ll have to leave the car here, though. Cuz you can’t drive yet. And stuff.”
He was babbling, rubbing his wrists and Jonghyun found it adorable. He smirked smugly and Taemin, embarrassed, flung the man’s clothes in his face, satisfied when Jonghyun spluttered.
“Now... Be a gentleman,” Taemin told him daringly, eyes crinkling with mischief, “walk me home.”
“Oh, I see you’ve accepted your femininity - ow, Taemin! That really hurt!”
It was cold outside and if Jonghyun really wanted to act like a gentleman, he would’ve lent Taemin the spare jacket he kept in his car for such cases. But he preferred warming the teen up with his body, holding him close even if it did make walking just a bit complicated.
Taemin’s parents were, naturally, at sleep since it was 5am and their son didn’t bother waking them up, leaving a note about calling later to explain his sudden disappearance the night before.
The light banter Jonghyun and Taemin kept up while pacing the streets was nice, but every step closer to the bus station left Jonghyun feeling uneasy, nauseous even. It was hard to focus on the conversation while his head was filled with sappy, romantic promises and pleas.
If Taemin noticed his distractedness, he didn’t comment on it, blaming the alcohol still stuck in his system.
Minutes passed too quickly. Jonghyun tried to pretend tiredness and slow down, but they still made it to the station in time. The bus was already there, waiting for its passengers and as much as Jonghyun wanted to pick Taemin up and just leave, he could only watch as the teen removed himself from Jonghyun’s hold.
“Well, this is it,” the boy, no, man, told him, turning to face Jonghyun and hugging the slightly shorter man briefly.
Jonghyun opened his mouth to say something significant, as this was his last chance to do so, but when Taemin regarded with a gaze that expressed more than Jonghyun’s words ever could.
“It was... Nice. To see you again,” Taemin’s thick lips twitched into a strange smile of both happiness and sadness. He looked torn for a fleeting second, like he was dying to say something else, but decided not to, which amused Jonghyun - at least he wasn’t the only one having troubles. But then Taemin broke the eye contact, clutching the strap of his bag.
“Goodbye, Jonghyun.”
Just like that, Taemin spun around, just slightly unsteady on his feet. And already he was climbing up into the bus, buying his ticket. Jonghyun stood there, transfixed and more than a little bit lost, the chilly wind making him shiver and hunch his shoulders.
It was colder without Taemin.
The teen didn’t look at him and took a window seat on the other side of the bus, soon pulling out an ipod and some earbuds. The engine roared, coming to life as the bus driver closed the door and took off.
And Taemin was gone.
Jonghyun sighed, smiling to himself and blaming the sinking feeling in his stomach on the remnants of beer. Shoving his hands into the pockets, he left the bus station, pleasantly light-headed. He thought about asking his mother to make his favorite dish when he got home. Yeah. That sounded good.
For old times’ sake.
Why don't you meet me, down behind the old school
We'll waste away the weekend, with perfect regard for how
Cavalier we used to be, that beautiful insanity
The apathy's surrounding me
Don't close your eyes or we'll fade away
a/n: inspired by (and the lyrics are from) the song "OLD SCHOOL" BY HEDLEY. i just happened to hear that song today and remembered this fic and kind of weeped while editing it, because i wrote this fic last spring, i think, when i was still living at home with my family, yet it perfectly describes how i feel when i go there now that i'm living in a different city, far away. yeah. so like. yeah. it's like one of the few fics i've written that i'm actually semi-proud of, haha.
Pairing: Jonghyun/Taemin
Rating: NC-17
Summary: Coming home after three long years, Jonghyun realizes that everything has changed.
Don't believe everything happiness says
Nothing feels better than hiding these days
Some moments in life are more beautiful than others. Some are so overwhelming and confusing that you lose yourself in the waves of emotions, not knowing whether to laugh or to cry, painfully caught in the middle.
Jonghyun experienced one of those moments when he parked his car in his parents’ driveway, visiting them for the first time in three long years. His heart was strumming to an unknown beat as he took a deep breath, basking in the familiar smell of grass, wood and something distinctly homely.
He felt restless, an unbearable longing in his chest making him giddy and lightheaded. It was a bit embarrassing, how excited he was to see his parents’ home again, practically barging through the front door in his haste. And it seemed that he wasn’t the only emotional one - Jonghyun only had the time to catch a glimpse of the same old striped wallpaper, same dark cherry cupboard in the corridor, before he was pulled into his mother’s arms.
The words she muttered while trying to squeeze him in half were barely comprehensible, matted with tears and heavy with ecstasy. Jonghyun wasn’t surprised to see her discreetly wiping her eyes when she finally loosened her hold. There were new wrinkles on her face and he could see some grayness in her hair but she sounded just as energetic, rambling about how much Jonghyun was missed, asking questions she didn’t give him time to answer.
Jonghyun smiled softly, his own vision blurring as his mother shook like a leaf from contained sobs. His father was more reserved, looking more tired than Jonghyun remembered, years of work and constant worry having pressed deep lines into his otherwise handsome face. He shook his son’s hand firmly, voice trembling with pride as he appraised the man his son had grown to be.
It happened so fast - hurried stories of what they’d been up to were exchanged, accompanied by hysterical bursts of laughter, and once they were properly reunited, a wall appeared between them, constructed by time alone.
The awkwardness hurt.
Everything in the house he used to call his home seemed smaller, older, dustier, worn. He felt like a stranger, standing on a carpet, stained from that time he had held his first house party and all sorts of drinks were spilled by his careless quests. Driven by discomfort, he excused himself and wandered to his old room. A pang of some indefinable feeling twisted his stomach into knots as he took in the plain poster-less walls, the new duvet on his bed, the whole room obviously freshly tidied up for him. It didn’t feel like it belonged to him anymore, the haven he remembered. Only the tree branches blocking out sunlight were in their place, just as Jonghyun had left them.
After dragging his suitcase up to his room, exchanging strained smiles with his parents who watched him silently, happily, he wanted out.
Jonghyun was tired from the long drive there, from his mother’s spazzing, from the tension hanging in the air as none of them found the correct words to say. After a while, the heavy atmosphere would fade, Jonghyun knew from experience, but for the time being, he just needed a moment alone.
“I’m going for a small drive around town,” he told his parents nervously, as if he still needed their approval. He bounced the car keys on his palm, itching to leave the suddenly so suffocating place.
“Ah... Lots of things have changed, yes,” Jonghyun’s mother said gently, unsurprised. There was an edge to her tone which actually sounded relieved. “Well, we’ll have plenty of time to catch up later, since you are staying for a week, yes?”
Jonghyun nodded, and after a soft “Go on, shoo,” he went flying out of the door, as eager to leave as he’d been to arrive.
It was when he saw the old playground, which had once been his favorite hangout spot, unused, slides and monkey bars rusting, weeds settling in the cracks of the pavements, did he wonder if he made a mistake by coming back. He had expected everything to be as bright and warm as he left it, but there were new constructions replacing old buildings, new lights, a new aura, new, new, new, new.
Stopping by the convenience store that had been repainted, redesigned, Jonghyun felt bile rise up to his throat. By coming to this sleepy town, he had planned to revisit some of his precious memories, yet there wasn’t a trace of them left.
He shook his head, just slightly, forcing a smile on his lips, because really, it wasn’t like he could stop the world from spinning. Catching his reflection on the side mirror, he stopped, though, because the grimace his features had contorted into looked worse than a regular frown.
Only one thing would work to cheer him up, he figured, snorting at his own predictability and pulling into the parking lot. Getting drunk. Getting so drunk that he would be able to enjoy himself even while surrounded by ghosts of the past. Grabbing his wallet and locking the doors, he found himself hesitating, afraid of displeasing his parents.
But then again - he was an adult, fully capable of taking care of himself.
Jonghyun was busy placing a six-pack into his cart, mentally ticking ‘beer’ off his shopping list, when a person walked up to him. Well, not really to him, since the guy was only interested in the alcohol, not sparing Jonghyun a glance. But there was something familiar about him, in the way he carried himself, in the way he pressed his index finger to his lips and furrowed his brows while deciding which beverages to buy.
“Taemin,” Jonghyun breathed out, barely audible over the low whine of the air conditioning.
The man heard him, though, tilting his head as he blinked at him once, twice, thrice before his eyes flashed with recognition.
“Jonghyun? Is that really you?”
Jerking his head up and down, because - wow, wasn’t this just the mother of all coincidences, Jonghyun used the chance to let his gaze slip over Taemin’s body scrutinizingly. The one he used to refer to as “kid” had certainly grown up nicely, his shoulders wider and arms more toned. He was still slim, just no longer in a gangly, skinny way. Taemin seemed to have muscles in all the right places, his hips still narrow, collar bones temptingly sharp. His face was more angular, having lost the fat that had clung to his cheeks so stubbornly, but his chin was still familiarly pointed, nose small and slightly curved, lips thick.
He was a bit sad to discover that Taemin had lost his childish openness, the twinkle in his eyes hinting of hidden intelligence and wisdom instead.
“Oh my god, has it really been five years?” Taemin exclaimed, all graceful movements and flashing teeth and Jonghyun had to swallow the lump that had formed in his throat. His hands clenched around the handle of the cart as he racked his brain for an fitting answer.
Damn, his ex-boyfriend looked fine.
“Hah, yeah, I guess. Time really flies, huh? So... What’cha doing back here? I thought you went to college already,” Jonghyun asked carefully, because school was a good, neutral subject, wasn’t it? Or not.
Fuck.
He didn’t miss the slight hitch in Taemin’s breath and felt like kicking his own ass - did he really have to bring up the reason why they went their separate ways this early in the conversation?
But Taemin showed his maturity by brushing it off, even cracking a smile. “Yeah, I just got a short break and wanted to get off campus for a while so here I am. I’m actually going back tomorrow.”
“What are you majoring in?”
“Dance...”
The sideways look he shot Jonghyun was nothing short of mischievous as he picked up a bottle of vodka. Jonghyun bit into his lower lip, elevated just by being in Taemin’s presence. It was nice to know that he wasn’t the only curious one, the feeling of Taemin’s eyes trailing all over him making him shiver with delight.
“You already graduated, yeah?” Taemin asked after clearing his throat, going back to his task of comparing per milles and prices.
“Yeah.”
“And what are you planning to do with your life now?”
It was more than obvious that the question was asked without any interest, just for the sake of being polite. So, instead of replying, bullshitting about dreams and goals and all that jazz, Jonghyun hummed boredly to let the younger know that he really didn’t care enough to ponder about that at the moment.
“Dunno. You? What are you doing with your life?” he shot back to keep the silence away while counting the bottles in his cart and wondering if those would be enough to make the uneasiness dissolve.
“Well,” Taemin said thoughtfully, pursing his lips in a manner that made Jonghyun’s chest ache, “I’m definitely planning to graduate...”
Jonghyun stifled a laugh. But then Taemin scrunched up his nose and the older of the two could hear the blood pulsing in his ears. All of Taemin’s habits, his little quirks Jonghyun had learned to love back when they were stupid teenagers, crazy for each other, were still there, unchanged.
“And then I think I’ll try to find some work as a background-dancer, maybe? I dunno, though, there are many talented dancers in my school and standing out is really hard. Minho says I’ll make it, but he’s - naturally - biased, and...”
Oh, and then there was Minho. Jonghyun didn’t know the guy personally, but a while ago, after flipping through his old photo album, he had wondered about Taemin’s well being and stalked his facebook. Minho was, apparently, Taemin’s current boyfriend, a freakishly tall photogenic jock who seemed to be obsessed with soccer and everything sports-related.
“... That was one of the reasons I decided to come here for a few days. The pressure was just... Getting to me, and,” Taemin declared, suddenly whirling around to stare at Jonghyun with a mix of wonder and accusation. “you’re... Easy to talk to,” he scowled as if spilling his troubles to someone he used to hold very dear to him was a crime, “you should tell me to shut up when I get too ahead of myself.”
Jonghyun snickered, rolling his eyes amusedly. “I won’t. It’s nice to see you again, really, Taeminnie.”
Taken aback by the pet name, Taemin almost dropped the bottle of wine he’d been examining. After their rather painful break-up, Taemin had been allergic to pet names, threatening to break up with his lover if he ever tried to use one on him.
“Yeah,” he muttered more to himself; the rush of memories, of the happy times they had shared, bringing a tiny but fond smile to his lips. With time, all the hate Taemin had harbored for the older man had vanished and all that was left was gratefulness, because Jonghyun had been the one to train Taemin in the arts of love.
“Hey, wanna hang out tonight?” Jonghyun asked at the spur of the moment, cutting into his train of thought. It seemed like a good idea, he definitely preferred Taemin’s company over his overbearing parents, as ungrateful as it was of him. Also, there was a spark between them that yearned to develop into something bigger and only Taemin, the one who had once molded him into the man he was, could ignite the fire. “We could like, catch up... And there seems to be plenty of alcohol for the both of us.”
Giggling at the pointed look Jonghyun directed at their carts, Taemin took a second to consider it.
“I don’t know, Jonghyun, as much as I’d love to,” it was quite pathetic, the way Jonghyun’s heart skipped a beat at that word, “it’s getting quite late and I was planning to catch the early bus... So I should-”
“Weak,” Jonghyun mocked playfully, ignoring Taemin’s disbelieving glare.
“Come on, live a little. I bet you’re all prim and proper and nerdy and tuck your shirt in your pants and pay attention and take notes and plan your essays and -”
Taemin shot him a scandalized look, “I do not!”
“Come on, Taeminnie,” Jonghyun said, jutting out his lower lip, half-expecting Taemin to grumble and agree just like he used to. Just in case that failed him, Jonghyun decided to use a more risque card for a double effect. “Come on, we don’t know if we’ll ever meet again. For old times’ sake, Taeminnie. Just like old times. Come on, really.”
“Just like old times,” Taemin mumbled as if not really comprehending the meaning of that line, eyes downcast and serious. Sucking in a lungful of sterile, filtered air, he gave Jonghyun a little hesitant nod.
In high spirits, Jonghyun tried to pat Taemin on the shoulder encouragingly, his touch perhaps just a bit too soft and lingering.
Retracting his hand, because some rather inappropriate thoughts popped into his mind, inspired by some of his favorite memories of them rogether, Jonghyun fidgeted self-consciously.
“Okay. So. The alcohol.”
We bury our fears in the drinks, in these tears
For the days we believed we could fly
“And where, exactly, are you planning to take me?” Taemin demanded once they’d heaved all the liqueur to the trunk and they were seated in Jonghyun’s car, belts fastened.
“I... Didn’t really think of that,” the older man admitted, preoccupied with the radio. After fumbling with the buttons for a while, he sat back and turned the ignition key, the hottest tracks playing in the background. “You’ve been here for a few days already, haven’t you? Everything’s changed so much that I barely recognize this place... Where do you want to go?”
Sneaking a peek at Taemin, it was like he was looking straight through the layers of time, seeing a smaller, younger Taemin, all open and trusting, stretching himself out on the worn passengers’ seat of his parents’ car. Jonghyun averted his gaze to get rid of the illusion.
“It’s weird isn’t it, feels all wrong.”
Jonghyun sighed in agreement, glad that someone shared his sentiments.
“I’d invite you to my place, but... That might not be a too good idea. It’s too... Ah- and anyway, my folks always did like you better than me so it’d be sad if they fussed over you on my last night in town,” Taemin joked, attempting to lighten the sullen mood tightly wrapped around them.
“Same here,” Jonghyun went along with it, “my mom cried when I got there today, but seeing you, she’d probably freak.”
“What can I do, I’m so loveable!”
A whole arsenal of snappy comebacks laced with flirtation formed on the tip of his tongue, but Jonghyun choked them all back. It was a scary realization - that this Taemin might not appreciate his suggestive, slightly immature sense of humor.
“So... If you just arrived today, why aren’t you home? Why all the alcohol?” the dancer asked, shifting around to make himself more comfortable.
Taking a random turn, Jonghyun breathed out through his nose. He had never been a man of many words, preferring to let his actions speak for him. It wasn’t like he was particularly afraid of expressing himself verbally, he just never found the need to.
But with Taemin, he felt oddly safe. Safe enough to pour his heart out, since the boy had witnessed the most embarrassing moments of his life anyway.
“Well, I was... I was like a stranger. A guest in their house,” he explained, hands tightening around the steering wheel. “It was just... Kind of really weird. Not like I had thought it would be at all. It wasn’t the same.”
“So you decided to get smashed.”
Jonghyun humphed affirmingly, stealing a glance in his general direction, pleased that Taemin didn’t press the issue. The teen was looking cozy in the leather seat and for a fleeting moment, Jonghyun just wanted to keep him there, with him.
We'll go back to the place where the night never ends
We'll remember the fires, the burning car tires
Boy how in the hell did we get here?
They sat in silence for a while, not really listening to the song played, not really paying attention to the lyrics, just letting the melody soothe them.
“Hey...” Taemin said, once he started to feel antsy, sitting up and peering outside to see where they were. “But seriously, where are we going?”
“Wanna go down the memory lane with me?”
There was something irresistible in the way Jonghyun’s lips formed the syllables, as if he’d been preparing those words for hours, expectant and hopeful. Jonghyun kept his gaze trained on the road, having lost some of the cockiness Taemin had once both admired and hated. Still, there was something about Jonghyun that drew Taemin in, making him incapable of denying Jonghyun anything.
“Sure.”
So why don't you meet me, down behind the old school
We'll waste away the weekend, with perfect regard for how
Cavalier we used to be, that beautiful insanity
The apathy's surrounding me
Don't close your eyes or we'll fade away
“Ssh,” Jonghyun pressed a finger to Taemin’s lips, giggling like a teenage schoolgirl as they snuck around their old school building, trying all the doors while juggling cans of beer. “Do you think they have an alarm system?”
Taemin frowned, removing the older man’s hand from his face and slumping against a cold stone wall, already working on uncorking another bottle of whatever it was he was drinking, he didn’t really care at that point.
“Could you shut the fuck up? You’re so loud, we’ll get caught even if they don’t have any” - hiccup - “alarm systems or cameras or whatever-the-fuck.”
Jonghyun was definitely a happy drunk, muffling his voice by biting into the back of his hand, wobbling unsteadily. He tried to say something but failed continuously, interrupted by fits of laughter, shoulders shaking with mirth.
“You,” he said, pointing at Taemin impolitely before bending forwards, hands on his knees. “You still start cursing when you’re drunk. I can’t, ohmygod, Taemin, you’re such a potty mouth.”
“And you haven’t stopped being a complete fucking moron.”
Taemin took another swig from his bottle, rolling his eyes exasperatedly. He watched Jonghyun struggle to think up a good reply, and was about to change the topic when the man flashed him a wolfish grin, dangerously tipping backwards.
“Oh, well, you love me anyway.”
He didn’t seem to understand what exactly he had blurted out, swaying on his feet with a dopey look on his face, but Taemin certainly did, sobering up just a little. For a second, his eyes prickled, because it all felt so very familiar, and a younger Taemin would’ve blushed and hit Jonghyun for such an unexpected declaration, but the current him didn’t know how to react.
To his relief, Jonghyun was too drunk to notice the sudden thickness in the air, waving at security cameras only he saw and having fun all on his own.
Busy drowning his miseries in his bitter amber liquid, Taemin startled as he got suddenly pulled off the wall and dragged to the park behind the school by a clumsy Jonghyun. The man snickered to himself and Taemin followed him obediently like a lost puppy, swearing loudly when some of his drink spilled.
“Remember when,” Jonghyun told him breathlessly, stumbling over pretty much everything but still managing to walk more or less straight. “Remember when I cut our names into a tree?”
Taemin’s head was spinning, but he somehow managed to connect the dots and he wrenched his arm out from Jonghyun’s grip, making a move to leave before they reached their special spot. It was too late, though, Jonghyun was rushing forwards, almost falling headfirst into the tree before successfully stopping in front of it.
Sighing, Taemin shook the bottle, listening to its contents sloshing around.
“What happened?” the college graduate asked after a moment of shock, sounding fearful and powerless, tracing what was left of their names with his index finger.
“Well,” Taemin sniffled, stance defensive, “remember - you did kind of break up with me... Out of nowhere. And I was a teenager. So. You can’t blame me for, uh, y’know. Scraping out the letters. I was fucking upset.”
“Oh.”
The disappointment so clearly audible in Jonghyun’s voice made Taemin feel guilty.It wasn’t like he could turn back time and stop himself from destroying this proof of their love, though, so he just gulped down his last drops of alcohol while eyeing the older man apprehensively.
Jonghyun deserved the pain, Taemin reminded himself, shards of his pain still clinging to him.
“I didn’t - I. I really cared for you,” Jonghyun said awkwardly, looking at Taemin over his shoulder and the teen wished he had brought more alcohol for their little walk just so he had something to distract himself with. But apparently, Jonghyun wasn’t done yet.
“You were my first love, know that, Taeminnie?” he swallowed, blinking a few times to get rid of the fog clouding his thoughts, “And - I never really apologized, did I? But. You remember how it went. I was just. We grew apart. I think.”
Taemin snorted with disbelief, but strangely enough, he didn’t feel any real resentment.
“Ah, why don’t you just say it like it is. A college student is too cool for a high schooler, isn’t he?” Taemin spat out sharply, finding pleasure in the way Jonghyun cringed with regret. “I get it, I get it, Jonghyun, don’t even bother. It’s just that - it. It, uh. It really hurt. Back then, I mean, it just really hurt.”
Jonghyun regarded him with eyes full of compassion and for a brief second, Taemin expected him to say something groundbreaking, something that would change everything.
But the man only shook his head sadly, announcing that he needs to pee and then stomping off.
Taemin laughed sarcastically, shuffling closer to the tree Jonghyun had once carved their names into. It was a tall pine, nothing special and yet, to them it had meant quite a lot. He could still remember how he stormed into the woods during his lunch break one day, having nicked a knife from the kitchen. He had been furious and betrayed, that scene where Jonghyun smirked at him, all arrogant and patronizing, still playing in his mind.
They had been invincible together in Taemin’s opinion, but there he had been, out of Taemin’s reach, saying that the boy was just too young for him, while their age difference had never bothered Jonghyun before. It had been just an excuse, Taemin had known even back then.
They had argued and fought, Jonghyun had called him names, awful names, telling him about all the girls he had already hooked up with.
Taemin remembered crying when his best friend, Jongin, found him, but not because of heartbreak, never because of Jonghyun, but in his carelessness, he had cut into his palm. The scar had faded, but sometimes it felt like it was still there.
In the end, despite all the torment, Jonghyun was still in his most happiest memories.
Don't believe everything happiness says
Nothing’s as real as our old reckless ways
When we drink by the fires
The burning car tires
Bad girls and good liars
The dreams we'd conspire
The days we went crazy
The nights wild and hazy
Man, how in the hell did we get here?
“I’m cold,” Taemin complained when Jonghyun got back, a small smile lighting up his face. There was no point in holding a grudge, especially when he was drunk enough to trip over his own feet.
“And I ran out of liqueur. Wanna go back to the car?”
They held hands on their way back, fingers interlocked because the night had long fallen over them and the sky was pitch black. Jonghyun’s arm somehow wound up around Taemin’s waist after the boy shivered for the third time and they leaned on each other heavily, singing sappy old love songs and gesturing wildly.
After Taemin purposely stepped on Jonghyun’s feet, because the man’s screechy falsettos were deafening him, they decided to play a game of “remember when”, their little stories soon approaching dangerous subjects.
“Remember when... You dared Jongin to kiss that girl from your class?”
Taemin laughed, his friend’s helpless expression still burned to his mind. Jongin had thanked him later since he’d been crushing on the oblivious girl for ages and finally got the opportunity - or rather, he was forced - to do something about it.
“Remember that night when my parents weren’t home and we tried to watch a movie and Taesun walked in on us making out on the couch? That was fucking scary.”
“Yeah, it was the best,” Jonghyun ruffled Taemin’s hair, finding it easy to fall back into old patterns, even if Taemin had grown quite a bit. “He was seriously cool about it, though, I thought he was gonna kick my ass - but, oh, I have a good one - remember the lecture he gave us about protection and gay sex? I almost died.”
“Oh god,” Taemin moaned, losing and regaining his balance, “I couldn’t even fucking look at him. Or you. For weeks.”
He hid his face in his hands and Jonghyun chortled.
“Was that why you avoided me? Christ, I thought you were mad at me or something...”
His lips brushed against the shell of Taemin’s ear as he spoke, and when the teen turned to answer him, Jonghyun found himself unable to breathe. It would’ve been so easy to just close the distance between their mouths but the man drew back.
“Remember when,” Taemin whispered, his voice sinfully silky, pupils blown and breath warm and moist, stinking of alcohol, “remember when you took my virginity?”
To his defence, Jonghyun did attempt to lighten the mood, loosening his hold around Taemin and barking a laugh. “Yeah, of course, you were such a baby. You cried, didn’t you? It was so damn embarrassing that I...” he trailed off when Taemin’s eyelids fluttered shut, the younger male straining his neck to move closer.
Honestly, who in their right mind could resist that?
The kiss was sloppy and slightly off-target and Taemin’s knees buckled so Jonghyun had to catch him only Jonghyun suddenly lost all strength and thank god that the car was near somehow made it to it - and wow, Jonghyun saw stars.
Breaking away from the man and wiping his mouth with the back of his sleeve, Taemin giggled before he popped open the trunk to pull out some unopened bottles. He offered one to Jonghyun, who was still, rather stupidly staring at him.
“Want to continue the game inside?” the teen suggested, tilting his head towards the car and Jonghyun pretty much scrambled to open the door, letting down the back seat so they’d have more room. His movements, albeit slow, were precise, and Taemin watched with mild amusement as Jonghyun pulled out some blankets from a duffel bag he’d forgotten in the car.
“You planned this,” he accused, climbing in after Jonghyun and settling down on his stomach, “You planned to bring me here, since we’re all alone. And then rape me.”
“Yep.”
Narrowing his eyes, Taemin rolled over to take a sip from his can while Jonghyun turned off the lights and put on some music. The dancer was about to say something else, something bratty and bitchy and whiny, just because he could, but Jonghyun beat him to it.
“Remember that time when we had sex in the bathroom of that noraebang place?”
Taemin let out a little gasp, eyes unfocused and lips deliciously parted as he recalled a flurry of clothes and desperate grunts and too harsh hands.
Jonghyun brought him out of his daze by burping rather loudly.
“Ew,” Taemin shuffled further away from the man, “you can’t just say something incredibly arousing and just. Fucking ruin it. Like that. Ew, fuck.”
“We’re both guys, Taemin, there’s nothing - wait, you found that arousing?”
“Nope.”
Jonghyun set his drink down, squinting to see the teen’s silhouette in the darkness. It was especially difficult, since everything was already swimming before his eyes and he ended up almost falling flat on his face. “Aw, come on, if you find something arousing, you can just. Say so, because. Uh, I mean, we’re both guys? And we shouldn’t be. Embarrassed. I mean, we’re guys?”
“There is nothing arousing about you,” Taemin lied through his teeth, praying to god that Jonghyun wouldn’t notice the bright flush staining his cheeks.
“Aw, come on,” the man repeated himself and Taemin could picture him pouting. “This is just cruel. I mean, I was awful to you and all. But this. You hurt my feelings, how can you just-”
Taemin shut him off by pressing their mouths together, unable to tolerate the elder’s ranting any further. He had forgotten about this habit of Jonghyun’s, how he turned into a spoiled child once he had enough alcohol, and while threading his hands through the man’s short hair, he wondered how many had seen him like this.
He reminded himself that he didn’t have the right to be jealous. And luckily, all troubling thoughts were banned from his head as Jonghyun kissed him thoroughly.
Even under the influence of some strong alcohol, he couldn’t help but to compare Jonghyun to Minho. While his current lover tended to be passive and calm, taking things slowly and worshipping every part of Taemin’s body, Jonghyun was passionate and daring, always open for new things.
Even as he pictured Minho’s loving smile, Taemin didn’t feel an ounce of guilt.
Jonghyun slipped his jacket off, Taemin’s shirt soon following. He didn’t get the chance to feel bad about it, because the man was already unzipping his jeans, palming him through his boxers while fumbling with his glove compartment to fetch a small tube of lubrication.
Shuddering, Taemin watched Jonghyun undress with heavy, half-lidded eyes. The man’s body felt hot under his fingertips and the years had definitely been good to him.
There was something practiced and familiar in the way Jonghyun pressed open-mouthed kisses down his chest, while it was new and exciting at the same time. Adrenaline rushed through his veins and every breath he took was more laboured than the last.
It didn’t take long for the car’s windows to fog up as they struggled to find release, uncoordinated and sloppy.
Everything happened in slow motion but too quickly for either of them to really savour it. One moment, Jonghyun was grabbing Taemin by his thighs, pressing him down flat on his back and hovering above him with a drunken smile, the next, Taemin’s boxers were dangling around a bony knee, legs spread and up in the air.
“No... Don’t,” the younger gasp out, propping himself up on his elbows as Jonghyun’s slippery fingers teased his ass.
The man looked up from his task, his bewildered expression soon melting into one of mirth. Jonghyun trusted Taemin to know his preferences so he sat up and crawled over Taemin, intentionally brushing their erections together.
“Hmm? What’s this?” he muttered, leaning forwards to whisper into Taemin’s ear lewdly, supporting his weight on his forearms so as not to crush him while semi-consciously grinding down. “You’ve been playing with yourself, haven’t you? Missing your lover, huh? Since when...” he licked Taemin’s earlobe experimentally, encouraged by the small mewl the teen emitted, “oh, tell me, Taeminnie, since when are you such a slut?”
What was usually seen as an insult only served to turn Taemin on even further. Jonghyun still remembered how to push his buttons in all the right ways and a rushed, messy encounter was just what Taemin needed to unwind.
The sexual tension was making Taemin dizzy and he flung his arms around Jonghyun’s neck, laughing breathlessly.
“Well, since when do you shave, Jonghyun? So - uh, yes - manly of you.”
Preoccupied with positioning himself, Jonghyun didn’t answer.Taemin’s ankles locked around his waist in attempt to tug him closer and after some shifting around, the man plunged into Taemin. Tingles ran up his spine as the familiar feeling of getting stretched and filled registered in Taemin’s muddled mind.
Jonghyun took him roughly, self control shattered by alcohol, and Taemin found himself actually appreciating the rawness of it. Sex with Jonghyun was mindblowing and selfish, angry even. Taemin arched off their makeshift bed to angle himself better, seeing flashes of white under his eyelids when Jonghyun grazed that special spot.
“Reh-re-member, hmh, oh god, when I shaved your legs,” Taemin said, clinging to Jonghyun, almost tearing his hair out - not that Jonghyun minded at that point.
The more muscular man’s body shook as he chuckled, stilling for a moment before picking up the pace again. Taemin was pleased to hear that Jonghyun was just as out of breath as he was.
“Are you trying to turn me off?”
Taemin flicked his nipple and Jonghyun flinched, hitting his head against the car ceiling. With a few long thrusts, the older had his revenge, making Taemin whine and beg for more.
“No,” the teen protested and Jonghyun sigh-grunted with disbelief, because how was Taemin able to sulk while getting laid, “You forgot that blowjob. I. I gave you in the bath-ah-room while your parents were home?”
Oh.
Jonghyun decided that it would probably be the best if he just shut Taemin up so he proceeded to do just that, slamming his hips even faster and raising both the volume and the pitch of Taemin’s moans. The younger enjoyed getting manhandled, busying his lips by sucking purplish marks onto the expanse of Jonghyun’s neck. His feet were smashed against the car window and he’d probably have bruises on them later; Taemin didn’t even want to think about how his back might look.
The cramped space was filled with noises of pleasure and sweaty skin meeting skin. Jonghyun was the more vocal one out of the two, since Taemin was intent on leaving a trail of hickeys on his body as a reminder of their impromptu affair.
It ended all too soon, Taemin sneaking a hand between them to jerk himself off while Jonghyun held his breath, screwing his eyes shut and letting his jaw hang loose. In his state of intoxication, he couldn’t handle the tightness and heat of Taemin’s body any longer, muscles contorting as he reached his orgasm.
“Ugh, you didn’t, like, fucking use a condom?” Taemin was quick to grumble once they were both satisfied, still under a pleasurable haze. Jonghyun snorted when Taemin wiggled his butt, cringing, but padded around obediently in order to find some tissues.
“At least you won’t get preggers.”
When he didn’t feel all gross and covered with semen anymore, the teen flopped down on Jonghyun’s lap, naked as the day he was born, and accepted the bottle of beer he was offered. Jonghyun checked him out shamelessly, the red splotches on Taemin’s pale skin making him grin proudly.
He listened to the teen complain about something - probably the fact that their drinks were already lukewarm - but didn’t pay much attention. Jonghyun was exhausted, while he still felt the buzz of excitement and by no means did he feel like sleeping. Taemin’s hair was nice and soft, well taken care of, so he gave the boy a head massage, or at least attempted to, taking comfort in the way Taemin slumped against him and purred like a pleased kitten.
Don't close your eyes or we'll fade away this time
And we'll never get back what we
Gave away, when we still had that fire in our eyes
The two stayed like that, cuddling closer when the air started to cool, speaking nonsense and talking about their lives. Their dialogue didn’t make much sense, both rambling listlessly.
They didn’t bother to put on clothes, not even when they needed to take a leak - which resulted in Jonghyun doubling over in laughter and promising to never forget the sight of Taemin prancing around, ass paler than the moon.
The sun definitely wasn’t on their side, peeking over the horizon way too early for their liking. By then, they had enough alcohol, sharing a bottle of carbonated water Taemin had wisely bought, instead. The morning chill crept into the car so they snuggled into the blankets and had murmured conversations.
Their laughter died out soon after they quit drinking, seriousness and thoughtfulness replacing crude jokes.
Taemin traced shapes and figures on Jonghyun’s chest, head resting on the man’s shoulder, as he told Jonghyun about everything - how he graduated, how he got into college, how he met Minho, how they moved in together, how he worked hard to earn his teachers’ respect and how people started to expect things of him. They exchanged sweet, lazy kisses that said more than any comforting words ever could.
“I don’t want to go back to the present.”
Jonghyun could only agree, his chest aching at the idea of Taemin slipping out of his life, never to be seen again.
“But. Just saying, um. You’re forgiven, you know,” it came out as a barely coherent mumble, but Jonghyun laughed, a sinking feeling in his stomach. It was like Taemin was tying off all loose ends - like, after this, there wouldn’t be a single reason for them to meet again, grudges already settled, the feelings they had dug up during their limited hours together forgotten.
Pulling the teen to his chest, he felt immensely grateful for this chance to see Taemin again, to spend some time with him, in a way, reliving the past. Taemin squeaked and writhed in Jonghyun’s arms, checking the clock pointedly.
Bittersweet, it was, when Taemin called Jonghyun a horny bastard, followed by some rather colorful phrases when the older pinched his butt, but leaned up to peck Jonghyun on the lips nonetheless.
Don’t go, Jonghyun wished to say, if he only had the right to stop Taemin.
Stay with me.
Even in his mind those short sentences sounded ridiculous. It didn’t matter if they had spilled all their secrets and connected in ways Jonghyun had previously considered impossible, they were still nothing but strangers with a shared past.
Starting fresh wasn’t really an option either, not after that night.
When Taemin slid out of their pile of blankets, shuffling around to gather his clothes, all Jonghyun wanted to do was to reach out and grab him, distract him with passionate kisses and teasing touches, maybe even a quickie, so the teen would miss the bus and somehow end up staying for a few days longer. But he couldn’t. It was better for both of them if they parted as old acquaintances, with friendly but meaningless goodbyes.
His whole body was sore for staying in one position for too long so he stretched out his limbs, groaning when his joints cracked. Taemin stopped in his struggle to shimmy into his boxers to shoot Jonghyun a coy, suggestive look which the elder didn’t react to.
The man was caught in the moment, admiring the glimmer of sunlight on Taemin’s body. Tiny goosebumps rose on the bare skin as the teen shivered and that was when Jonghyun knew that there was still quite a bit left of the love he once held for Taemin.
“What’chu starin at, old man? Haven’t-”
“You’re still just as beautiful,” Jonghyun couldn’t contain it, not really, the complement slipped out before he could activate the filter between his brain and his mouth. He wanted to hit himself when Taemin gaped at him, a blush coloring his cheeks at the unexpectedness.
The teen licked his lips, blinking like he used to do when he was nervous, when Jonghyun kissed him in the middle of hallways or whistled at him when he danced.
“I- uh. Thanks? I mean. Um. Are you coming with me? T-to my parents place, I mean, I gotta take my stuff, cuz the bus leaves in a while and, uh. We’ll have to leave the car here, though. Cuz you can’t drive yet. And stuff.”
He was babbling, rubbing his wrists and Jonghyun found it adorable. He smirked smugly and Taemin, embarrassed, flung the man’s clothes in his face, satisfied when Jonghyun spluttered.
“Now... Be a gentleman,” Taemin told him daringly, eyes crinkling with mischief, “walk me home.”
“Oh, I see you’ve accepted your femininity - ow, Taemin! That really hurt!”
It was cold outside and if Jonghyun really wanted to act like a gentleman, he would’ve lent Taemin the spare jacket he kept in his car for such cases. But he preferred warming the teen up with his body, holding him close even if it did make walking just a bit complicated.
Taemin’s parents were, naturally, at sleep since it was 5am and their son didn’t bother waking them up, leaving a note about calling later to explain his sudden disappearance the night before.
The light banter Jonghyun and Taemin kept up while pacing the streets was nice, but every step closer to the bus station left Jonghyun feeling uneasy, nauseous even. It was hard to focus on the conversation while his head was filled with sappy, romantic promises and pleas.
If Taemin noticed his distractedness, he didn’t comment on it, blaming the alcohol still stuck in his system.
Minutes passed too quickly. Jonghyun tried to pretend tiredness and slow down, but they still made it to the station in time. The bus was already there, waiting for its passengers and as much as Jonghyun wanted to pick Taemin up and just leave, he could only watch as the teen removed himself from Jonghyun’s hold.
“Well, this is it,” the boy, no, man, told him, turning to face Jonghyun and hugging the slightly shorter man briefly.
Jonghyun opened his mouth to say something significant, as this was his last chance to do so, but when Taemin regarded with a gaze that expressed more than Jonghyun’s words ever could.
“It was... Nice. To see you again,” Taemin’s thick lips twitched into a strange smile of both happiness and sadness. He looked torn for a fleeting second, like he was dying to say something else, but decided not to, which amused Jonghyun - at least he wasn’t the only one having troubles. But then Taemin broke the eye contact, clutching the strap of his bag.
“Goodbye, Jonghyun.”
Just like that, Taemin spun around, just slightly unsteady on his feet. And already he was climbing up into the bus, buying his ticket. Jonghyun stood there, transfixed and more than a little bit lost, the chilly wind making him shiver and hunch his shoulders.
It was colder without Taemin.
The teen didn’t look at him and took a window seat on the other side of the bus, soon pulling out an ipod and some earbuds. The engine roared, coming to life as the bus driver closed the door and took off.
And Taemin was gone.
Jonghyun sighed, smiling to himself and blaming the sinking feeling in his stomach on the remnants of beer. Shoving his hands into the pockets, he left the bus station, pleasantly light-headed. He thought about asking his mother to make his favorite dish when he got home. Yeah. That sounded good.
For old times’ sake.
Why don't you meet me, down behind the old school
We'll waste away the weekend, with perfect regard for how
Cavalier we used to be, that beautiful insanity
The apathy's surrounding me
Don't close your eyes or we'll fade away
a/n: inspired by (and the lyrics are from) the song "OLD SCHOOL" BY HEDLEY. i just happened to hear that song today and remembered this fic and kind of weeped while editing it, because i wrote this fic last spring, i think, when i was still living at home with my family, yet it perfectly describes how i feel when i go there now that i'm living in a different city, far away. yeah. so like. yeah. it's like one of the few fics i've written that i'm actually semi-proud of, haha.