Recap of Sharknado 2: The Second One!
After ten years, I’m back to this franchise with dear blogger Avid Bruxist!
Kelly freaking Osborne is a flight attendant taking care of a happily remarried Ian Ziering and Tara Reid and fangirling over Tara’s memoir, How To Survive a Sharknado, like she did anything in the first one. Also, the pilots are Rachel True and the lead from Airplane and this is so so good. Ian looks out the window and hallucinates a shark in the clouds and has a decent panic attack in the airplane bathroom, but it doesn’t fix it, and they’re actually in a huge school of airborne sharks and now he’s doing a Twilight Zone “something’s on the wing” and it’s not Final Destination but I am having a great time. And they rip holes in the plane and eat Kelly Osborne and Rachel True and Ian has to land the plane in New York City and a shark eats Tara’s hand and I am watching this with three other people and we are clapping and laughing and cheering and I endorse this movie.
In Times Square, Mark McGrath and Kari Wuhrer and their teen kids take a minute to establish their characters before meeting up with Kari’s brother, Ian Ziering. They see a news report showing Ian trying to convince police officer Andy Dick to get ready to drop bombs into some Sharknados but of course no one believes him when his job is Sharknados like Ken’s job is Beach. He stops in to see Tara’s hand surgery PERFORMED BY BILLY RAY CYRUS THIS SHOULD HAVE BEEN HEART SURGERY and also Downtown Julie Brown is the nurse please watch this movie everyone. And Ian teases Tara about “lending a hand” in her hospital bed and it’s too soon but also not? But he has to hightail it to the stadium to save Mark McGrath from getting chomped at a Mets game. As if baseball wasn’t bad enough.
Oh, and at the Mets game Ian runs into Vivica A. Fox, and they went to school together, and she kisses him, and then weather hits - rain, snow, and of course, Sharknados. So anybody famous runs and equips themselves with bats from the gift shop and Vivica breaks hers over her knee so she can have the sharp broken pieces in each hand, and she’s a bigger badass than Tara Reid if Ian wants to trade up a little, I must say. They escape on a train, but the subway is flooding OH NO. And cameos in the subway scene include Perez Hilton and Jared from Subway and not all of this movie aged well. But chomp chomp chomp, we’re good.
Meanwhile, Tara Reid in her first afternoon as an amputee, changes into a hot black outfit and sneaks out of the hospital. And back in New York, Ian and Vivica and Mark and Mark’s teen son get more supplies including bomb stuff and Super Soakers full of lighter fluid and Ian steals a sword somewhere. And in order to cross a river of sharks, Ian manfully jumps onto the backs of like five sharks like this is Frogger and he lands saying he really “jumped the shark” and again, my watch party erupted into cheering and clapping.
Everyone has reconnected in the hotel, and Vivica and Ian are on the roof slingshotting bombs into a couple Sharknados and talking about their feelings, and Vivica has a turn with the sword cutting up sharks in the wind like it’s Fruit Ninja. But the bombs don’t stop New York Sharknados, they just up the difficulty by having flaming sharks fly through the sky eating extras. This movie is a bag of just pink Starbursts.
And now the mayor has asked Ian to run the city’s defenses, and wrestler Kurt Angle is helping him make a plan with freon and a lightning rod and blah blah because sharks on fire? But at least the mayor has commissioned a chainsaw so Ian can be so cool. Except that behind his back, Tara Reid constructs a chainsaw attachment for her amputated hand and she is even cooler and I have lost breath trying to keep up with this movie.
But okay, they turn the Empire State Building into the last part of the plan and they blow it up and Ian and Vivica are flying through the storm and Vivica gets eaten and I hate it but then Ian chainsaws so many sharks in midair and then, like, lassos one and rides it down safely to the ground in this delightful Strangelove riff and luckily it’s the shark who got Tara’s hand and Ian pulls her hand out of it and takes her wedding ring off it and asks her to marry him again even though her hand is now a saw blade.
I loved the first movie, I loved this movie more, I have to believe the next four are good.
Kelly freaking Osborne is a flight attendant taking care of a happily remarried Ian Ziering and Tara Reid and fangirling over Tara’s memoir, How To Survive a Sharknado, like she did anything in the first one. Also, the pilots are Rachel True and the lead from Airplane and this is so so good. Ian looks out the window and hallucinates a shark in the clouds and has a decent panic attack in the airplane bathroom, but it doesn’t fix it, and they’re actually in a huge school of airborne sharks and now he’s doing a Twilight Zone “something’s on the wing” and it’s not Final Destination but I am having a great time. And they rip holes in the plane and eat Kelly Osborne and Rachel True and Ian has to land the plane in New York City and a shark eats Tara’s hand and I am watching this with three other people and we are clapping and laughing and cheering and I endorse this movie.
In Times Square, Mark McGrath and Kari Wuhrer and their teen kids take a minute to establish their characters before meeting up with Kari’s brother, Ian Ziering. They see a news report showing Ian trying to convince police officer Andy Dick to get ready to drop bombs into some Sharknados but of course no one believes him when his job is Sharknados like Ken’s job is Beach. He stops in to see Tara’s hand surgery PERFORMED BY BILLY RAY CYRUS THIS SHOULD HAVE BEEN HEART SURGERY and also Downtown Julie Brown is the nurse please watch this movie everyone. And Ian teases Tara about “lending a hand” in her hospital bed and it’s too soon but also not? But he has to hightail it to the stadium to save Mark McGrath from getting chomped at a Mets game. As if baseball wasn’t bad enough.
Oh, and at the Mets game Ian runs into Vivica A. Fox, and they went to school together, and she kisses him, and then weather hits - rain, snow, and of course, Sharknados. So anybody famous runs and equips themselves with bats from the gift shop and Vivica breaks hers over her knee so she can have the sharp broken pieces in each hand, and she’s a bigger badass than Tara Reid if Ian wants to trade up a little, I must say. They escape on a train, but the subway is flooding OH NO. And cameos in the subway scene include Perez Hilton and Jared from Subway and not all of this movie aged well. But chomp chomp chomp, we’re good.
Meanwhile, Tara Reid in her first afternoon as an amputee, changes into a hot black outfit and sneaks out of the hospital. And back in New York, Ian and Vivica and Mark and Mark’s teen son get more supplies including bomb stuff and Super Soakers full of lighter fluid and Ian steals a sword somewhere. And in order to cross a river of sharks, Ian manfully jumps onto the backs of like five sharks like this is Frogger and he lands saying he really “jumped the shark” and again, my watch party erupted into cheering and clapping.
Everyone has reconnected in the hotel, and Vivica and Ian are on the roof slingshotting bombs into a couple Sharknados and talking about their feelings, and Vivica has a turn with the sword cutting up sharks in the wind like it’s Fruit Ninja. But the bombs don’t stop New York Sharknados, they just up the difficulty by having flaming sharks fly through the sky eating extras. This movie is a bag of just pink Starbursts.
And now the mayor has asked Ian to run the city’s defenses, and wrestler Kurt Angle is helping him make a plan with freon and a lightning rod and blah blah because sharks on fire? But at least the mayor has commissioned a chainsaw so Ian can be so cool. Except that behind his back, Tara Reid constructs a chainsaw attachment for her amputated hand and she is even cooler and I have lost breath trying to keep up with this movie.
But okay, they turn the Empire State Building into the last part of the plan and they blow it up and Ian and Vivica are flying through the storm and Vivica gets eaten and I hate it but then Ian chainsaws so many sharks in midair and then, like, lassos one and rides it down safely to the ground in this delightful Strangelove riff and luckily it’s the shark who got Tara’s hand and Ian pulls her hand out of it and takes her wedding ring off it and asks her to marry him again even though her hand is now a saw blade.
I loved the first movie, I loved this movie more, I have to believe the next four are good.