Recap of Sharknado 3: Oh Hell No!
Sharknado was a hoot, and Sharknado 2 was a nuclear delight, so Avid Bruxist and I got together to jump into part 3 with high expectations.
Holy cow, the opening shot is Ian Ziering as James Bond but with a chain saw instead and this is the movie I need today.
Okay, our first scene is Ian racing through Washington DC to accept The Order of the Golden Chainsaw award from Press Secretary Maria Menounos, President Mark Cuban, and Vice President… Ann Coulter. I love and hate this movie already.
Ian steps out of the award ceremony to glare at the darkening sky, saying he can sense Sharknados now - and within seconds, sharks are plucked from the Delaware and hurled at the president, chomping extras like poor Lou Ferrigno (making him very angry). But Ian and Mark Cuban fight their way out of a storm of monster chomps - it takes a lot of guns and a hand grenade and a dive through a second-story window, but we had a blast. And that’s just the cold open.
Done with DC, now we’re following Tara Reid through Universal Studios. She’s pregnant, and she has a black leather glove pretending to be her prosthetic hand, and she’s barely awake and I love her. Love. Her mom is Bo Derek, and her daughter has been recast, and everyone just keeps commenting on her great new haircut instead of saying she is an entirely new human. The daughter leaves her phone in a locker, probably because she was distracted that Chris Jericho is the ride attendant and Kim Richards is her tour guide and, y’all, my phone is attached to me by magnets and a blood pact but this would test that.
Ian is trying to drive from DC to Orlando to rescue Tara, but on the way he stops to fight some sharks and gets rescued himself by biometeorologist Frankie Muniz and the stripper waitress from the first movie and her boobs look impossible and she describes her attitude as Post Traumatic Shark Disorder and welcome the Hell back, character whose name I will never learn. (It’s Nova, I do not care.) And her RV mobile base has a license plate that says “I8A 4RE” and that was Steve Sanders’s plate and my life has led to this right now here. She has been feverishly studying sharknados and learned that sharks have now evolved to live in clouds and eat birds and wait for the next one of these movies.
They talk a fine-as-Hell-Daddy-era Lorenzo Lamas into loaning them a plane so they can fly to Orlando and before they can all board, sharks dismember Frankie Muniz and there goes a lot of charm but I can’t pay attention because I am too busy Googling “Lorenzo Lamas OnlyFans.”
And oh God, Nova and Ian crash land into a lake in Orlando and pop out in their underwear and everyone watching the movie in this room struggled for breath and I cannot recommend this movie strongly enough. And then a shark eats George R. R. Martin in a scene I refuse to give context for because why is he not typing right now.
Okay, I can’t explain why, but they have to let three big Sharknados merge and put the whole East Coast at risk and convince NASA to make a 60-foot pillar of fire like the God of the Exodus because sure. Meanwhile, David Hasselhoff is having coffee with Penn and Teller and Hasselhoff is Ian Ziering’s estranged dad and he is a retired astronaut with access to 60-foot pillars of fire because YES. And so they go find the secret space shuttle and Ian and David suit up as astronauts to fly this thing into the the mega-Sharknado and there is a fog machine and slow motion and Tara Reid has to be on the shuttle for some reason and oh, I swoon. I think they are going to get to space before Fast and the Furious can.
Oh! And they’re in space and everything has gone wrong and David has to spacewalk out to save the day and probably die and tells Ian he’s finally living his dream and Ian says, “Going to space?” and he says, “No, being your hero” and this homosexual recapper was unprepared for this let me be clear. Legitimate crying. In Sharknado 3: Oh Hell No. And it does save the day and they shoot all the sharks with lasers but David has to die out there alone on the moon and sharks have been flung into low orbit and they’re swarming the space shuttle and Ian Ziering has a lightsaber chainsaw and the shuttle is destroyed but a big shark swallows Tara Reid and Ian Ziering and falls to Earth and burns up on reentry but Tara has given birth inside and they name the baby Gill and I promise you I typed this sentence sober but I can barely reread it.
Y’all? If I could only watch one of these movies, it would be part two, but I wholeHEARTEDLY recommend this one. We were screaming. You probably heard us.
Holy cow, the opening shot is Ian Ziering as James Bond but with a chain saw instead and this is the movie I need today.
Okay, our first scene is Ian racing through Washington DC to accept The Order of the Golden Chainsaw award from Press Secretary Maria Menounos, President Mark Cuban, and Vice President… Ann Coulter. I love and hate this movie already.
Ian steps out of the award ceremony to glare at the darkening sky, saying he can sense Sharknados now - and within seconds, sharks are plucked from the Delaware and hurled at the president, chomping extras like poor Lou Ferrigno (making him very angry). But Ian and Mark Cuban fight their way out of a storm of monster chomps - it takes a lot of guns and a hand grenade and a dive through a second-story window, but we had a blast. And that’s just the cold open.
Done with DC, now we’re following Tara Reid through Universal Studios. She’s pregnant, and she has a black leather glove pretending to be her prosthetic hand, and she’s barely awake and I love her. Love. Her mom is Bo Derek, and her daughter has been recast, and everyone just keeps commenting on her great new haircut instead of saying she is an entirely new human. The daughter leaves her phone in a locker, probably because she was distracted that Chris Jericho is the ride attendant and Kim Richards is her tour guide and, y’all, my phone is attached to me by magnets and a blood pact but this would test that.
Ian is trying to drive from DC to Orlando to rescue Tara, but on the way he stops to fight some sharks and gets rescued himself by biometeorologist Frankie Muniz and the stripper waitress from the first movie and her boobs look impossible and she describes her attitude as Post Traumatic Shark Disorder and welcome the Hell back, character whose name I will never learn. (It’s Nova, I do not care.) And her RV mobile base has a license plate that says “I8A 4RE” and that was Steve Sanders’s plate and my life has led to this right now here. She has been feverishly studying sharknados and learned that sharks have now evolved to live in clouds and eat birds and wait for the next one of these movies.
They talk a fine-as-Hell-Daddy-era Lorenzo Lamas into loaning them a plane so they can fly to Orlando and before they can all board, sharks dismember Frankie Muniz and there goes a lot of charm but I can’t pay attention because I am too busy Googling “Lorenzo Lamas OnlyFans.”
And oh God, Nova and Ian crash land into a lake in Orlando and pop out in their underwear and everyone watching the movie in this room struggled for breath and I cannot recommend this movie strongly enough. And then a shark eats George R. R. Martin in a scene I refuse to give context for because why is he not typing right now.
Okay, I can’t explain why, but they have to let three big Sharknados merge and put the whole East Coast at risk and convince NASA to make a 60-foot pillar of fire like the God of the Exodus because sure. Meanwhile, David Hasselhoff is having coffee with Penn and Teller and Hasselhoff is Ian Ziering’s estranged dad and he is a retired astronaut with access to 60-foot pillars of fire because YES. And so they go find the secret space shuttle and Ian and David suit up as astronauts to fly this thing into the the mega-Sharknado and there is a fog machine and slow motion and Tara Reid has to be on the shuttle for some reason and oh, I swoon. I think they are going to get to space before Fast and the Furious can.
Oh! And they’re in space and everything has gone wrong and David has to spacewalk out to save the day and probably die and tells Ian he’s finally living his dream and Ian says, “Going to space?” and he says, “No, being your hero” and this homosexual recapper was unprepared for this let me be clear. Legitimate crying. In Sharknado 3: Oh Hell No. And it does save the day and they shoot all the sharks with lasers but David has to die out there alone on the moon and sharks have been flung into low orbit and they’re swarming the space shuttle and Ian Ziering has a lightsaber chainsaw and the shuttle is destroyed but a big shark swallows Tara Reid and Ian Ziering and falls to Earth and burns up on reentry but Tara has given birth inside and they name the baby Gill and I promise you I typed this sentence sober but I can barely reread it.
Y’all? If I could only watch one of these movies, it would be part two, but I wholeHEARTEDLY recommend this one. We were screaming. You probably heard us.