Recap of The Last Sharknado: It’s About Time!
Finally here! Despite a little stumble in last couple chapters, this has been a fun ride, and I’m excited for a time-travel romp in this last chapter…
Last time, Ian Ziering and Tara Reid teleported around the world through Sharknado magic and her cyborg body blew up to save the world and Dolph Lundgren is his grizzled son from the future and he took Ian into the timestream to undo all the global damage.
But they didn’t want to pay Dolph Lundgren so time travel time travel time travel rules, Ian is now on his own to fight dinosaurs. And thanks to time travel, anyone in the series who died is alive now, so Tara Reid gets a lovely Danaerys moment on a pterodactyl she named Tara the Dactyl. I love this. I’m happy.
Ian leads his team to use the extinction level meteor storm to blast the first ever prehistoric Sharknado before it can ever… happen again? This is flawed logic but I am giggling because it turns the Sharknado into a time portal and we get a Scooby Doo style cartoon to be our credits and in it Hitler is a cartoon shark and I’m fine.
Their first stop is a castle where drag superstar Alaska Thunderfuck is Morgana Le Fay overseeing some Sword In The Stone business with some of this series’s best acting to date. And her work frenemy is Deanna Troi and they work for Merlin, played by Neil Degrasse Tyson. Alaska is the queen of petty magic and turns the sharks in this Camelot Sharknado into fire-breathing dragon sharks because everybody sucks but her. To save the day, Ian pulls Excalibur from the stone and it’s a chainsaw blade because this movie knows what I want before I know what I want.
And then it’s into the portal and crash-landing in the American Revolution where a man rides through town yelling “The sharks are coming” while Offspring classic “Come Out And Play” plays and the guys from Offspring are British sailors and our team is dragged before Leslie Jordan as a little gay Ben Franklin and Ben Stein is Hamilton and they beat this round by shooting fireworks and cannonballs into the Sharknado. All of that happened. I was there. On the couch. Watching.
Next up, the Wild West, and Aaron Samuels is Billy the Kid in a shootout with sheriff Dee Snider and when Aaron Samuels escapes, he hollers, “Git along, losers, we’re going shopping” and this series isn’t exactly gay but we got a drag queen and a camp quote and I am fine. This is goofy sketch comedy with nothing to prove.
Pop to the 1950s for a great California beach blanket Sharknado and Ian meets his parents and they are Tori Spelling and Dean McDermott and my soul has left my body at this reunion and she is a beautiful holy gift to this series and nothing that happens in the plot is as important as these Beverly Hills kids saying they look familiar, like they went to high school together.
And we must be getting close because the next segment is San Francisco when Titanic is playing and Nova has hijacked their whole mission to convince her grandfather, Peter Brady, not to get eaten by a shark and inspiring her delightful monologue from the first movie about why she hates sharks. They go back and forth about the ethics of time travel and no one cares, this is a silly movie, but the important part is a shark eats Nova when she saves her grandfather and another eats Tara Reid when she tries to save her, and future Tara Reid’s cyborg head is hanging out in Ian Ziering’s messenger bag but falls into the ocean, and we have landed back in the wheelhouse, my friends.
Next jump is a dystopian future ruled by flying shark robots and the humans are clones of Tara Reid ruled by a cruel robot Tara Reid who is trying to act flatter than her human version but even science fiction can’t bend things that hard. And the robot queen has cryogenically preserved a human clone of herself of something, I do not care, point is Tara fights Tara in a battle so hard it changes the rules of time travel for this movie and Ian can go back to the opening scene of the first movie WHEW.
Only this time Tara’s cyborg head is on the boat that got eaten in that first scene, and she helps fight the Sharknado but she gets swallowed by a flying shark but it’s okay because her cyborg powers let her take over and drive the shark and the shark has laser beams this is weird.
And the next step in the plan is to just reboot time itself. Which means we are all back in Ian Ziering’s beachside bar and everyone is alive and happy and Vivica Cox is the president and they have learned about family from all the shark adventures and there are no Sharknado events even though they never happened but maybe Ian remembers and what a nice close to six movies of hallucinogens and energy drinks. Not quite as amazing as parts two and three, but oh, I loved it.
Last time, Ian Ziering and Tara Reid teleported around the world through Sharknado magic and her cyborg body blew up to save the world and Dolph Lundgren is his grizzled son from the future and he took Ian into the timestream to undo all the global damage.
But they didn’t want to pay Dolph Lundgren so time travel time travel time travel rules, Ian is now on his own to fight dinosaurs. And thanks to time travel, anyone in the series who died is alive now, so Tara Reid gets a lovely Danaerys moment on a pterodactyl she named Tara the Dactyl. I love this. I’m happy.
Ian leads his team to use the extinction level meteor storm to blast the first ever prehistoric Sharknado before it can ever… happen again? This is flawed logic but I am giggling because it turns the Sharknado into a time portal and we get a Scooby Doo style cartoon to be our credits and in it Hitler is a cartoon shark and I’m fine.
Their first stop is a castle where drag superstar Alaska Thunderfuck is Morgana Le Fay overseeing some Sword In The Stone business with some of this series’s best acting to date. And her work frenemy is Deanna Troi and they work for Merlin, played by Neil Degrasse Tyson. Alaska is the queen of petty magic and turns the sharks in this Camelot Sharknado into fire-breathing dragon sharks because everybody sucks but her. To save the day, Ian pulls Excalibur from the stone and it’s a chainsaw blade because this movie knows what I want before I know what I want.
And then it’s into the portal and crash-landing in the American Revolution where a man rides through town yelling “The sharks are coming” while Offspring classic “Come Out And Play” plays and the guys from Offspring are British sailors and our team is dragged before Leslie Jordan as a little gay Ben Franklin and Ben Stein is Hamilton and they beat this round by shooting fireworks and cannonballs into the Sharknado. All of that happened. I was there. On the couch. Watching.
Next up, the Wild West, and Aaron Samuels is Billy the Kid in a shootout with sheriff Dee Snider and when Aaron Samuels escapes, he hollers, “Git along, losers, we’re going shopping” and this series isn’t exactly gay but we got a drag queen and a camp quote and I am fine. This is goofy sketch comedy with nothing to prove.
Pop to the 1950s for a great California beach blanket Sharknado and Ian meets his parents and they are Tori Spelling and Dean McDermott and my soul has left my body at this reunion and she is a beautiful holy gift to this series and nothing that happens in the plot is as important as these Beverly Hills kids saying they look familiar, like they went to high school together.
And we must be getting close because the next segment is San Francisco when Titanic is playing and Nova has hijacked their whole mission to convince her grandfather, Peter Brady, not to get eaten by a shark and inspiring her delightful monologue from the first movie about why she hates sharks. They go back and forth about the ethics of time travel and no one cares, this is a silly movie, but the important part is a shark eats Nova when she saves her grandfather and another eats Tara Reid when she tries to save her, and future Tara Reid’s cyborg head is hanging out in Ian Ziering’s messenger bag but falls into the ocean, and we have landed back in the wheelhouse, my friends.
Next jump is a dystopian future ruled by flying shark robots and the humans are clones of Tara Reid ruled by a cruel robot Tara Reid who is trying to act flatter than her human version but even science fiction can’t bend things that hard. And the robot queen has cryogenically preserved a human clone of herself of something, I do not care, point is Tara fights Tara in a battle so hard it changes the rules of time travel for this movie and Ian can go back to the opening scene of the first movie WHEW.
Only this time Tara’s cyborg head is on the boat that got eaten in that first scene, and she helps fight the Sharknado but she gets swallowed by a flying shark but it’s okay because her cyborg powers let her take over and drive the shark and the shark has laser beams this is weird.
And the next step in the plan is to just reboot time itself. Which means we are all back in Ian Ziering’s beachside bar and everyone is alive and happy and Vivica Cox is the president and they have learned about family from all the shark adventures and there are no Sharknado events even though they never happened but maybe Ian remembers and what a nice close to six movies of hallucinogens and energy drinks. Not quite as amazing as parts two and three, but oh, I loved it.