Yoü and I [One-shot]
Title: Yoü and I
Word Count: 7,017
Pairing: HanChul
Rating: PG-13 [language]
Summary: No matter how much life you’ve lived or how far you've traveled, you never forget your first love.
Disclaimer: Inspired by “Yoü and I” by Lady Gaga
The drive back to his hometown felt like an eternity. Hours spent going down the same road, passing houses and trees that all looked the same numbed him to the point that he had completely forgotten how badly he needed to come back. He didn’t let his weariness deter him nor did he let it cloud his mind.
All he had on his mind was Han Geng, the only man that had crossed his path and shook him up so much that he was never going to live another day without thinking about him at least 100 times.
His fingers tightened around the steering wheel and his eyes narrowed as the road seemed to become even longer. But he sped through without a care for the consequences, only worried about not making it back in time before the day was over.
It was sunset when he arrived back, and the town seemed to be coming alive just as the sun went down. People came out of their tiny houses, smiling and yelling out to each other. It was a Saturday night after all, and Heechul knew that they’d be the busiest at the bar where Geng worked nowadays.
He couldn’t help but smile a little when seeing all the cheerful expressions on the faces of the people he drove past. Not to mention all the memories their grins brought back to his mind, back when he was still an idealistic kid who thought going to the big city hundreds of miles away would make him happy.
It broke his heart to think about it, however, especially when he remembered how much trouble he’d caused Geng by asking him to go with him. Heechul had claimed they’d be able to live their dreams and that the city would provide more opportunities than their small hometown ever could. Geng wasn’t quite as big a dreamer, thinking only in the most realistic of terms but even he was swept up in Heechul’s big talk. He left with Heechul after they’d graduated from high school, hesitant to start a new life somewhere so far away from everything he knew.
But he had convinced himself that Heechul was right, that they’d be able to live a better life, and that everything would be fine.
Or at least that’s what he said the night he left Heechul and drove back home.
Heechul wiped the corner of his eyes before stopping at the main intersection in the center of town. He took a look around and smiled without realizing it, especially when he saw the bench in the park where he and Geng had their first kiss. The smile faded from his face when he remembered how it was also the place where he told Geng that he had plans to move away.
It was before he ever convinced Geng to leave with him, and it was a night he had tried to forget as difficult as it was to.
The light turned green and he hastily sped away making his way a few blocks farther down until he reached the bar. Night had fallen by the time he’d gotten there and though it was dark, the lights of the lampposts as well as the bar brightened up the night sky.
Heechul parked his car and sullenly walked away from it towards the main entrance, half-expecting to run into someone he knew, someone he didn’t want to see.
Luckily, the bar didn’t seem to take notice of his arrival. The patrons’ attention were focused on the small stage in the corner of the bar where a strummed guitar could be heard. Heechul peered over the crowd and saw, sitting on a stool, holding a black acoustic guitar, Geng singing a song that sounded like one he had written back in high school. It was definitely that song, that one he had written for Heechul, when he confessed just how much he loved the other.
Heechul’s stomach became full of butterflies when he saw Geng on that stage. It was like that’s where he was meant to always be, singing his feelings rather than saying them and with such a peaceful expression, the same one Heechul had dreamed about for the last five years.
It reminded him of those afternoons they spent together, sitting underneath the tree in Heechul’s front yard, talking about how much they wanted to be together for the rest of their lives. Heechul remembered how they would hold hands and stare into each other’s eyes like no one else existed.
He’d remembered how good it felt just to be with someone, someone who taught him what it meant to love someone with his whole entire being. God, how much he longed for those days to come back to him.
The song was over and a roar of applause rang through the tiny bar. It became more and more crowded as Geng had performed, but Heechul hardly noticed. Frankly, all he saw was Geng, sitting on that stool singing his heart out.
How he wished Geng had made it as a musician in the city, how much he wished that they both could have made their dreams come true.
Heechul watched as Geng thanked the crowd before taking a bow and walking off the stage. He stared as Geng walked behind the bar and put his apron back on. He served a customer in want of a beer and smiled when the guy tipped him.
How Heechul wished Geng could have made his dream come true.
“Can I have a gin and tonic?” Geng heard someone ask him as his back was turned to the bar.
“That’ll be 6-50--,” he stared, awestruck at Heechul who wore a weak smile on his face when Geng saw him for the first time in years.
“Hi, Geng-it’s been a while,” was all he could manage to say, too nervous to think of something more meaningful.
Geng just stared at him, too distracted to even make his cocktail for him. Heechul chuckled nervously and reminded him of his order which prompted Geng to quickly make the drink and hand it to him. Heechul took a sip and commented on the taste before slipping Geng a bill as his tip.
“What are you doing here, Heechul? I thought you were still in the city. Don’t tell me you’ve moved back,” Geng said, sounding as cold as ever.
Heechul sighed. He’d expected it; well, he expected Geng to curse and throw him out, banning him from ever getting within 50 feet of him again. At least he wasn’t that rash and seemed a lot calmer than Heechul could have ever expected.
“I-I-I came to,” Heechul found himself unable to speak (a trait not common for him), “I came to see you, Geng. I-I want to make things right again.”
“Make what right again?”
“Well, I-”
Geng interrupted him, “You can’t always fix what you’ve broken, Heechul. It’s not that simple-you of all people should know that by now,” Geng said, barely making eye contact with Heechul as he continued serving drinks.
Heechul wasn’t sure just how to go about it. He didn’t want to come on too strong, and he certainly did not want Geng to know, at least not right away, that he was interested in getting back together. He wanted to take things slow, explain why he was there and what prompted him to come back.
But as long as Geng appeared to only be half-interested in anything he had to say, Heechul found himself at a loss. But he was too determined to give up, and he sure as hell was not going to let a case of cold shoulder keep him from what he wanted.
“I want you to know how sorry I am for what I did to you.”
“Remind me what that was again,” Geng snidely replied.
“Come on, Geng, don’t be like this. I didn’t realize that it would be so hard for you in the city. I mean, I know how talented you are-I just thought there would be someone to see what I saw in you-what I still see in you.”
Geng stopped in his tracks, rather motionless and a bit speechless. He remained at a loss for words until it appeared something came rushing back to him because he started to go off on Heechul.
“You better be fucking sorry, Heechul. I dropped everything for you-I gave up everything for you.”
“Geng, I didn’t-”
“You made it seem like everything would be fine and I, stupidly enough, believed every single word you said to me. I was dumb enough to believe we had a future together when it was clear-right from the start that you never felt that way.”
Heechul held his tongue, wanting so much to explain to Geng that he had no idea things would end up not working out. He thought being together in a different place would only make them closer, strengthen their relationship, teach them about overcoming obstacles. He wanted to say all of it but instead, he just let Geng release all the bitterness, even if it meant embarrassing the both of them in such a public place.
“Heechul-you don’t understand how much I sacrificed for you. I’m lucky my parents were understanding when I came back but for as long as I was out there with you, neither of them would speak to me. Not to mention that time we spent in the city-nothing happened. When you got your oh-so-amazing model job, I was at the bottom of your priority list. Do you forget who it was that supported your dream? Do you remember who it was who had to give up their life in this town to go live somewhere hundreds of miles away?”
Heechul tried to reply but he couldn’t think of just what to say.
“You turned my life upside down-you caused me so much trouble, I-I-I’m just so glad we’re through now.”
“So are you saying I came all this way for nothing?”
Geng looked at Heechul, seeing the displeasure in his face and his desire for a real, truthful answer to his question. He exhaled, wiping at the counter with his handtowel. He looked back up at Heechul and calmly but firmly gave his answer.
“I’m saying, if I were you, I would feel damned stupid I wasted so much gas on such a meaningless trip.”
Heechul gripped the bar top, leaning over it before staring down at his glass. He grabbed it and down his drink, wiping his mouth and staring Geng square in the eyes.
“Lucky for me, I have a job that pays me enough so I can pay for that gas,” he replied, meaning every bit of hurt he was sure he caused Geng by saying it. He staggered away from the bar and walked outside, the door slamming behind him as he did.
Geng felt half-obligated to go after him but seeing as how he was still working, he did his job, taking drink orders and occasionally looking back up at the door just in case Heechul came back in.
He didn’t.
The next morning seemed to come a little too quickly for Heechul who woke up in his motel bed, shirtless and lying in a puddle of his own self-worth. The sun seemed to blaze through the half-open blinds, hitting him hard enough to wake him up.
The drink he’d had at Geng’s bar was certainly not his only one the night before. He’d gone to a liquor store (the one where he and Geng had tried to unsuccessfully get an older friend of theirs to buy them a six-pack of beer) and bought a six-pack of beer, a couple of bottles of vodka and a small bottle of Scotch.
He’d downed most of the beer and some of the Scotch, giving himself enough of a nasty hangover the next day. He almost forgot just why he was lying in a motel room in the first place but when he saw a billboard stating the town’s name, he remembered just where he was.
Rubbing his head, he got out of bed and looked at the clock.
“10:34 AM,” he whispered to himself, cringing at the thought of just how much of a pain in the ass the night before had been for him.
“That asshole Geng thinks it’s going to be easy for him to get rid of me? He must’ve forgotten just what kind of trouble Kim Heechul can cause,” he said to himself, looking into the room’s mirror that sat across the room from him.
After getting dressed (and taking a couple of aspirin), Heechul got into his car and drove back to Geng’s parents’ home, half-expecting Geng to still be living there despite being in his mid-20s.
“Hi, it’s me Heechul-Geng’s friend,” he said through the screen door of Geng’s mother’s house. Geng’s mother smiled and greeted him but even she appeared a bit cold towards him.
It wasn’t until later that Heechul would find out that Geng’s mother had resented him for convincing her son that leaving town was a good idea, only to be the same reason why Geng had come back, broken-hearted and penniless.
She explained to Heechul that Geng hadn’t lived there since he first came back to town. It seemed he’d rented an apartment on the other side of town, not too far from the bar where he worked.
“Thanks, I-I’m sorry for all the trouble I caused you and your son. I didn’t mean for things to happen the way they did, I just-can you please forgive me?”
He meant it. He was sincerely sorry that he had made Geng’s mother worry for her son, especially when that first year they’d been together in the city, he had hardly contacted his parents. Heechul expected her to wave him off, not caring for one second that he was sorry.
But thankfully, she (like Geng) reacted much differently than what he expected. She took Heechul’s hands in hers and looked him in the eyes.
“I haven’t seen my son smile the same way he used to before he left. It’s been so long since I’ve really seen him smile. I believe you’re the reason for that-I also believe you’re the only one who can change that.”
Heechul could feel his eyes well up a bit but he chose not to show it, instead only thanking Geng’s mother for her kindness and promising her that he would make things right. She assured him she had full faith in him, which made him grateful that at least one person still felt that he was a good person, even if the past said otherwise.
After getting back into his car, he made the trip over to Geng’s apartment building. He wouldn’t get out, clinging to the steering wheel, staring at his hands while a million thoughts raced through his mind. He played out the scenario of what would happen if he showed up on Geng’s doorstep.
He’d have to explain that he went back to Geng’s mother’s house (bypassing the fact that he actually thought Geng still lived with his parents). He’d have to tell Geng that he apologized to his mother, that she was thankful for it and that she seemed to want them to get back together.
But he couldn’t. it was crazy and it would just make things even worse. He didn’t want to dig any more of a hole for himself, not when it took this much time and this much courage just to make the drive back here.
His eyes drew to the door, wanting so much to be able to walk through it and find out where Geng’s apartment was. He wanted to believe everything would go well, and that he could make things right.
Despite what he had told himself that morning, that bull about how Geng would rue the day he crossed a determined Heechul, it wasn’t that easy-it was never going to be that easy, and deep down, he knew it to be true.
“Heechul?”
He stood in the doorway, staring at Geng with an open mouth and yet, nothing to say. He managed to get out of the car, enter the building, and ask which apartment was Geng’s.
He was lucky he got the right number and that he had the strength to make it up to the third floor where Geng leave without getting scared half-way through. He just continued to stare at Geng, not a word spoken.
“Heechul, why are you here? How did you find out where I lived? Why did you come here?”
Heechul still couldn’t say anything, despite his mouth still being wide open. He just stood there, looking every bit as pathetic as he had when Geng told him it was over.
He appeared to be in a catatonic state until he woke up, realizing where he was. Geng stared at him oddly, waiting for him to say something, anything.
“I-I’m sorry,” was all he managed before turning to walk away.
He stopped when he heard Geng call out to him, “You think that’s enough, Heechul? A couple of forced words with little meaning to them? It’s not going to work-you should have never come back.”
Heechul’s heart beat so fast, he thought he was going to collapse. But every bit of hidden anger he’d buried deep down when he forced himself to think that he had no right to resent Geng, came boiling to the surface at that point.
It was an amazing sight to see, Heechul would learn, because it was a moment few people have where they swallow all their fear in one instance before showing just how bold they really were.
“You think it was easy for me to come back here? God, I drove-I think 300 miles maybe more just to come back here. I didn’t expect an exactly warm welcome but after all you and I had been through, I thought maybe it would have been-it would have been just a little bit easier.”
“Well, you’re an idiot for thinking I’d just fall to your feet and beg you to stay.”
“I never said that’s what I expected! It wasn’t!”
“Why did you come here, Heechul?” Geng asked the same question he had the night before, and still Heechul was reluctant to reveal the real answer.
But when he thought about it, he realized he had nothing left to lose. He was already dealing with a crippling loneliness that began ever since Geng had left and truthfully, he had come accustomed to it. From someone who had such high hopes for his future, he was now someone who would be honestly surprised if his life took a sudden turn in a better direction.
So he answered, he told Geng just why he had decided to come back.
“I came to get you back, Geng. And, honestly-I’m not going back to the city unless you’re in that car, sitting next to me. I’m not leaving without you. I’d rather die than not have you by my side.”
At first Geng appeared taken back then he faded into an disposition that resembled that of a person who was touched by someone’s words. But then that all disappeared and Heechul was left with a cocky smile and a snide chuckle.
“God, you always were so dramatic, Heechul. This isn’t some Hollywood movie where you can just say things like that and expect me to-”
“You know what, save it. I’ve been here not even a full 24 hours and I’ve been verbally assaulted by you one too many times. Besides I’ve got a killer hangover and you’re just making it worse.”
“Hey, I’m a bartender. You think I give a shit about any hangover you have-”
Heechul pressed Geng against the doorframe, causing him to nearly choke with a forceful and unexpected kiss. When he realized what he was doing, he pushed away, looking completely disgusted (and feeling disgusted at himself). Geng on the other hand, just appeared stunned, speechless and immobile.
When he finally blinked, he wiped his mouth and shouted, “Fuck you, Heechul. You think you can pull something like that, and expect me to pull you into a tight embrace?”
He started shaking as if completely enraged and Heechul knew he’d made one too many mistakes. He covered his mouth and tried desperately to hold back the tears that formed around the corners of his eyes. He turned around, trying to collect himself when he heard the door slam and saw Geng had disappeared.
His chest tightened like his heart was being shoved and gripped by a vise. As he choked down the sobs that started pouring out of him, he stumbled down the stairwell until he reached the bottom. He nearly collapsed, only to grab onto the railing and set himself down on the bottom step.
Clinging to the handrail, he began to bawl, unrelenting with the force of all the pent-up despair he’d accumulated in the past few years.
It was cathartic to some degree but that didn’t make it any less painful. His shaking hands started to sweat and he lost his grip on the handrail. His face fell into his hands and he muffled the sounds of his sobbing with them.
“Why the fuck are you crying?” he could hear come from behind him.
He turned around suddenly and saw Geng standing over him, not making eye contact but directing his obvious annoyance at the sobbing mess that was Heechul.
“What?”
“Do you think you’re the only one who has reason to cry, Heechul?” Geng asked without once looking directly down at him, “I think if anyone deserves the chance to cry, it was and still is me.”
Heechul let out a hushed gasp that he tried his best to cover up.
“But I don’t! You want to know why? Because I moved on a long time ago-I realized that I didn’t need you. That it was you that was dragging me down in life.”
The words drove knives into Heechul’s chest, his back, and into his heart. He felt sickened that Geng could hold inside this much anger, but part of him knew that he had every reason to.
“I can’t count how many times I’ve thought about what my life could have been if it weren’t for you.”
“You’re right.”
Geng finally looked down at him as Heechul stood up to face him. The latter wiped his eyes and looked at Geng with a fierce determination the other clearly wasn’t expecting. But Geng relented, turning his head so as to not grasp the full extent of Heechul’s disposition.
“Are you just saying that so I’ll stop talking?”
Heechul paused before sighing deeply and sorrowfully.
“No-no, I’m not,” he wiped his eye and looked towards the floor, “You’re right. If anything, I only deserve to hear how much you hate me now. I don’t deserve the right to cry-not after what I did to you.”
Geng appeared caught off-guard but he was keen on hiding it as best he could.
“Heechul, if you’re bullshitting me so that I-”
“God, will you stop acting like everything I do or say is underhanded? Why the hell do you think I came all the way back here? Just to get you to sleep with me? I already confessed that I was fully intent on staying here if you weren’t willing to go back with me. What more do you want to know?”
Geng crossed his arms and scowled at Heechul. It was a sight he was now too familiar with but still not completely used to.
“Do you-,” Geng cleared his throat, “D-Do you-.”
Clearly he was having trouble asking his question and Heechul knew it.
“Do I what?”
“Do you-do you still-” Geng started to get angry as the question wasn’t coming out as clearly and directly as he’d wanted it to, “Ah, screw it. Never mind. Forget I-”
“Yes.”
Geng turned around and looked back down at Heechul.
“Yes what? I didn’t ask-”
“I know what you were trying to ask. And the answer is yes.”
Geng didn’t say anything, choosing not to fight Heechul and instead taking in his answer, unsure of just how to handle it.
He didn’t get much of a chance before Heechul asked him the same question.
“I thought I did-now I’m not so sure,” he replied, coldly, finding it difficult to look Heechul in the eye.
Heechul didn’t reply, the words too difficult to find. He looked away from Geng so as to hide the tears that found their way back to his eyes. He let out a weak chuckle, trying to mask his obvious hurt.
“I should have known. Silly me for thinking that-you know what, that’s not your problem anymore. I’m sorry for intruding on you, Geng. It was rude and thoughtless.”
He’d been weakened so much at that moment but the strength that was still left inside of him kept him together as long as Geng was in his presence.
“I want to thank you, Geng-you’ve given me a lot to thank about.”
Geng wasn’t quite sure how to take that statement (whether or not Heechul was being passive-aggressive remained to be seen) but before he could respond, Heechul started to fade from him as he made his way to his car.
“I guess, I’ll see you around-or something,” Heechul shouted over to him, “I mean-just have a good time, Geng. Have a nice time bartending and getting your life back on track. I’m sorry for all the trouble I caused-I just-well, never mind that.”
He laughed ironically, before giving Geng a solemn wave and opening the door of his car. He counted to himself, 10 seconds, waiting for Geng to tell him not to go. When he heard nothing and saw nothing from out the corner of his life, he opened the door and got into his car.
Without once looking back at Geng, he drove off, turning up the radio loud enough to drown out the thoughts that were ravaging his mind.
He didn’t notice the look on Geng’s face as he pulled out of the parking lot, nor did he hear Geng call out to him when he closed the door. But Geng didn’t see just how broken Heechul really was at that moment and he wouldn’t know until later.
The next morning, after the hangover was gone, after the red eyes cleared up, after the choked sobs were finally silenced, Heechul decided to do a few things before leaving the place he once called home, for the second time.
“Hello, is Kim there? This is her son.”
Heechul took it upon himself to call up the nursing home where his mother moved to after his father had died. He told her not to do it but when she reminded him of her age and the fact that he and his sister were both no longer around to support her, he changed his mind. His mother paid for it, with his sister contributing a nice chunk.
His mother had never expected him to help out but she never did know about the 100 or so he sent to his sister every month to be put towards his mother’s living expenses.
That was the way he was used to doing things. Secretly, without so much as a word about how he wished for thanks, without discussing the feelings that it gave him whenever he sent that check. Part of the secrecy was the result of an inability to communicate clearly with the people he loved.
It was also part of why Geng was never convinced that Heechul had wanted him to stay and never leave.
“Mom, hi, how are you?”
“Oh, Heechul, it’s been so long since I last saw those beautiful brown eyes.”
As she had aged, his mother had become more devoted to him and his sister, reasoning that her lack of time left on the earth (and her husband’s sudden death from a heart attack) motivated her to show her love for her children as often as she could.
“Mom, how many times do I have to tell you that my eyes are green?” Heechul teased her, giving her a warm hug and leading her to the common area where they were to talk.
“I’ve missed you, son. How have you been? How is that darling boy-”
“We broke up.”
Heechul’s mother looked at him, slightly stunned but something in her eyes said she was expecting it. Of course, it wasn’t because his mother was a pessimist or even lacking in faith in Heechul’s love life. It had more to do with why Heechul would show up, back in town, asking for his mother.
“I see,” she said in a calm, whispered tone, “Well, it’s not the end of the world, sweetheart.”
“Oh please, mother, don’t tell me something so cliché and expect me to take it like sound advice. Do you even know what I did to him?”
“Now, now, Heechul. I know it’s difficult now when the wound is still fresh but-”
“It’s actually been a few years-since we broke up.”
His mother replied, “I see.”
“Can you say something other than ‘I see’, please?” Heechul’s voice began to shake, “I need something other than two meaningless words.”
“Heechul-Heechul, calm down,” his mother attempted to soothe him, “tell me what happened.”
After explaining what had happened, how long it had been since he last saw Geng before coming back, why he decided to come back, and why he wasn’t sitting with Geng by his side at that moment, Heechul burst into tears, his face buried into his mother’s shoulder.
He’d eventually calmed down long enough for his mother to give him the sound advice he so wanted.
“When you want something so bad, you can’t live without it, you have to fight for it. It doesn’t end until you’ve taken your last breath-if you need Han Geng by your side then you make it happen.”
The power in her voice, she didn’t sound like Heechul’s feeble, aging mother but rather like the strong person Heechul wished he could be.
“Thank you, mother. I love you.”
He didn’t go back to Geng right away, thinking it better to figure out just what he was to say in his final speech to him. He needed the right words, the right method of delivering them.
He needed to write a song.
An open mike night was scheduled for that night, advertised all over the town, located at the same bar that Geng happened to work at. It was cliché, Heechul was sure, but he thought it might be the best medium to get through to the other.
After a few too many drunken acts and a couple of screechers, it was Heechul’s chance to perform. Geng had started his shift and was only partially paying attention to the acts that were performing. But when Heechul took the stage, sitting behind an already-set up keyboard, Geng’s full attention was on him, as were the attentions of nearly everyone in the room.
“Hi, my name is Kim Heechul-some of you may know me. For those of you who don’t, I was born and raised in this town and only recently came back. This song is dedicated to the place that I’ve missed and the people I’m hoping will take me back after leaving them.”
His eyes met Geng’s before he looked down and began playing. With lyrics full of sorrow and desire for forgiveness, Heechul sang his heart out, showing the long-hidden musical talents he had never showed Geng.
That was one of the many things about the Heechul that Geng had missed after leaving. He’d learned to play the piano, wanting to fill the void that a once-musical Geng left him. He’d dabbled in songwriting while Geng was gone, trying to feel what it was like for the often-frustrated man who would constantly complain about not being able to come up with anything good.
The experiment gave Heechul a new perspective, allowing him to know just how bad it must have been for Geng, living so far away from home and being unsuccessful at the one thing he’d wanted to do since he was a little kid.
But just learning that lesson wasn’t enough for Heechul. In the time he’d spent without Geng, he’d grown up, promising himself that he wouldn’t ever try and go back, not until he was 100% the man he thought Geng needed. He’d spent some time living in Geng’s shoes, knowing his frustration and feeling it for himself.
He’d also spent time dealing with the crushing loneliness that had weakened his spirit and made him a somewhat broken man. But he wouldn’t let any strength left in him dissipate fully; no, he needed that to give him the courage to get into his car and pursue a man he wasn’t completely sure wanted to be chased.
“I’m nothing without you,” he sang, letting the last line of his own creation trill off his tongue as he pressed the last few keys of his keyboard.
Despite the raucous applause he’d received from everyone else in the room, Geng didn’t look at him, acting as if he didn’t even exist. Heechul didn’t stop staring at him, not even when Geng made eye contact with him and quickly walked off, taking his break.
Heechul quickly got off the stage and ran out of the bar, after Geng who was standing by the dumpster, lighting up a cigarette.
Heechul stopped, slowing his pace and walking closer to the other, leaning against the dumpster. He didn’t say anything, just sticking his hands in his pockets. He coughed a few times as Geng’s smoke filled the silenced air.
“So-how long have you been smoking?” Heechul asked in the most awkward manner possible.
So much for rehearsed speeches, he thought.
Geng laughed sardonically, throwing his cigarette down and stepping on it.
“You don’t get to judge me, Heechul. I can do whatever the fuck I want now that you and I are done.”
“So I’m guessing my song did nothing for you.”
Geng laughed even more heartily, slamming his hand down on the dumpster. He looked at Heechul with an aggravated expression on his face.
“I knew you had some deeper motives behind that song. I’m not just some-crazy fangirl who will throw my panties at you every time you sing about me. God, you’re so conceited, Heechul.”
Heechul put his hand, gesturing for Geng to stop, “Stop. I’m just-I can’t deal with this anymore. I thought I had it in me to do whatever it would take to make you see that you and I were good together. I’m fighting a losing battle and I just-I can’t deal with it anymore.”
He started to walk off but Geng stopped him.
“Heechul, wait. I want to explain something to you.”
Heechul turned around slowly, but refused to look up. He was sure that whatever Geng had to say would end in more tears and a trip back to the city with Heechul driving with an empty passenger’s seat next to him.
“Do you remember what you told me when I was about to walk out of our apartment that night?”
Heechul shook his head, honestly unsure of what had happened since he tried so hard to forget that night.
“I told you that I was sure you didn’t need me anymore. And the truth was-you didn’t.”
“Geng, that is such bull. I did need you-I still need you.”
“Let me finish.”
Heechul shut right up, allowing Geng to continue without interruption.
“As I was saying-you didn’t need me. At that point you had a career on the rise and you had nowhere to go but up. Not to mention all the new friends you had made were sure of just how successful you were going to be. All I saw when I looked at you was a man who was content on his own.”
Heechul bit his lip, nodding his head but stopping himself from saying anything until Geng was completely done.
“I know before that I said I was the one who didn’t need you-and the truth is, that wasn’t the truth.”
“What?”
“I needed you, Heechul-I needed you so much. I was so lonely in that goddamn city, even when you were laying beside me in bed. I wanted you to realize how much I needed you but I never had the guts to tell you that. And now it’s too late.”
“Why would you say that, Geng? I’m here-right now, wanting you with every inch of my being.”
“It’s not that simple, Heechul! You think I can just give up anything I have here for you-again? After what happened last time?”
“I love you!”
Geng stopped, mouth half-open as he stared at the look in Heechul’s eyes. There was so much sincerity and so much determination that it was hard to ignore. But he blinked, looked away and pretended he didn’t see it.
“I know you do.”
Heechul started to look disappointed, “I guess that’s all you can say, these days. I guess I understand it-or at least I’ll try to.”
“Heechul-”
“I don’t want you to force yourself to pretend like you still care about me. I don’t want to be a backup plan-if you really want to be with me, I want you to because you want to not because you feel like you need to. It was a mistake to come here, I admit. I’m sorry for-”
Heechul couldn’t speak. Geng kissed him, hard enough to leave him speechless, both physically and mentally. When he let go, he stared at Heechul who had resorted back to his catatonic state, without a word leaving his mouth. He didn’t even blink for a good five minutes.
“Maybe I shouldn’t have done that,” Geng said out loud, sounding like he was talking to himself.
“What does this mean?!” Heechul asked, suddenly shouting.
“I’m not sure anymore. I thought I was so sure of what I wanted but when I look at you, I see this compassion-this fire inside you that I never saw in the time we lived together. I just-”
He grabbed Heechul again and kissed the other, wrapping his arms tightly around his waist. Heechul felt the warmth of a few tears rolling down his cheeks. Something about the kiss felt right, like everything prior to that moment had led him to the wrong conclusions.
Now he felt sure, more sure than he had ever felt before.
“I love you.”
“I-I love you, too.”
Heechul shut the trunk of his car, as best he could with all that had been shoved into it. He grunted a few times but when he finally got it closed, he wiped his brow and smiled widely.
“I can’t believe this is happening.”
Geng smiled back before kissing him on the forehead.
“Believe it,” he said in a soothing tone that made Heechul’s heart beat faster.
“Geng, can I ask you a question?”
“As long as it involves what we’re eating for breakfast-seriously, I’m starving,” the other teased.
Heechul smiled faintly but it disappeared quickly as he attempted to gather the strength to ask his next question.
“What made you change your mind?” he mumbled, “I mean, I know you said that there was a look in my eyes-but it didn’t long for you to change your mind. I’m not bragging or anything but I didn’t expect only a week to be the amount of time it would take-”
“You’re rambling.”
“Point taken! Anyways, I was just curious-what was it?”
Geng let out a sigh, but he didn’t sound frustrated or annoyed by Heechul’s questioning. In fact, he seemed relieved like he was finally allowed to get something off his chest.
He looked at Heechul and put his hand on the other’s face.
“It was that look in your eyes-but the words you said. That song you sang-everything. I don’t think I ‘gave in’ or even that I did it too quickly-it’s just, when you feel something and to you, it’s the right thing to feel, then you just have go with it. Does that make sense?”
Despite how jumbled it sounded and despite the fact that Geng didn’t speak with quite the eloquence Heechul was used to in his time living in the city, he understood everything that came from the other man’s mouth. To him, it was like poetry and it gave him a sense of comfort.
But it wasn’t just his words. It was that warmth he felt when Geng held him in his arms, like no matter where he was-in the city or in his hometown-he was home, as long as Geng was with him.
So when they drove those hundreds of miles back to their old shared apartment and Geng unpacked his stuff, Heechul felt no different. Or rather, he didn’t feel like he’d had to get used to any sort of new situation that came along with Geng moving back in.
It was as if he had never left and it certainly was as if that night had never happened.
For the first time in two years, Heechul felt like he’d achieved the dream he had always had. It wasn’t an apartment in the city, it wasn’t a modeling contract, it wasn’t gaining success.
It wasn’t any of that.
It was Geng, and as he told him every night from then on, it was always him.
THE END
Word Count: 7,017
Pairing: HanChul
Rating: PG-13 [language]
Summary: No matter how much life you’ve lived or how far you've traveled, you never forget your first love.
Disclaimer: Inspired by “Yoü and I” by Lady Gaga
The drive back to his hometown felt like an eternity. Hours spent going down the same road, passing houses and trees that all looked the same numbed him to the point that he had completely forgotten how badly he needed to come back. He didn’t let his weariness deter him nor did he let it cloud his mind.
All he had on his mind was Han Geng, the only man that had crossed his path and shook him up so much that he was never going to live another day without thinking about him at least 100 times.
His fingers tightened around the steering wheel and his eyes narrowed as the road seemed to become even longer. But he sped through without a care for the consequences, only worried about not making it back in time before the day was over.
It was sunset when he arrived back, and the town seemed to be coming alive just as the sun went down. People came out of their tiny houses, smiling and yelling out to each other. It was a Saturday night after all, and Heechul knew that they’d be the busiest at the bar where Geng worked nowadays.
He couldn’t help but smile a little when seeing all the cheerful expressions on the faces of the people he drove past. Not to mention all the memories their grins brought back to his mind, back when he was still an idealistic kid who thought going to the big city hundreds of miles away would make him happy.
It broke his heart to think about it, however, especially when he remembered how much trouble he’d caused Geng by asking him to go with him. Heechul had claimed they’d be able to live their dreams and that the city would provide more opportunities than their small hometown ever could. Geng wasn’t quite as big a dreamer, thinking only in the most realistic of terms but even he was swept up in Heechul’s big talk. He left with Heechul after they’d graduated from high school, hesitant to start a new life somewhere so far away from everything he knew.
But he had convinced himself that Heechul was right, that they’d be able to live a better life, and that everything would be fine.
Or at least that’s what he said the night he left Heechul and drove back home.
Heechul wiped the corner of his eyes before stopping at the main intersection in the center of town. He took a look around and smiled without realizing it, especially when he saw the bench in the park where he and Geng had their first kiss. The smile faded from his face when he remembered how it was also the place where he told Geng that he had plans to move away.
It was before he ever convinced Geng to leave with him, and it was a night he had tried to forget as difficult as it was to.
The light turned green and he hastily sped away making his way a few blocks farther down until he reached the bar. Night had fallen by the time he’d gotten there and though it was dark, the lights of the lampposts as well as the bar brightened up the night sky.
Heechul parked his car and sullenly walked away from it towards the main entrance, half-expecting to run into someone he knew, someone he didn’t want to see.
Luckily, the bar didn’t seem to take notice of his arrival. The patrons’ attention were focused on the small stage in the corner of the bar where a strummed guitar could be heard. Heechul peered over the crowd and saw, sitting on a stool, holding a black acoustic guitar, Geng singing a song that sounded like one he had written back in high school. It was definitely that song, that one he had written for Heechul, when he confessed just how much he loved the other.
Heechul’s stomach became full of butterflies when he saw Geng on that stage. It was like that’s where he was meant to always be, singing his feelings rather than saying them and with such a peaceful expression, the same one Heechul had dreamed about for the last five years.
It reminded him of those afternoons they spent together, sitting underneath the tree in Heechul’s front yard, talking about how much they wanted to be together for the rest of their lives. Heechul remembered how they would hold hands and stare into each other’s eyes like no one else existed.
He’d remembered how good it felt just to be with someone, someone who taught him what it meant to love someone with his whole entire being. God, how much he longed for those days to come back to him.
The song was over and a roar of applause rang through the tiny bar. It became more and more crowded as Geng had performed, but Heechul hardly noticed. Frankly, all he saw was Geng, sitting on that stool singing his heart out.
How he wished Geng had made it as a musician in the city, how much he wished that they both could have made their dreams come true.
Heechul watched as Geng thanked the crowd before taking a bow and walking off the stage. He stared as Geng walked behind the bar and put his apron back on. He served a customer in want of a beer and smiled when the guy tipped him.
How Heechul wished Geng could have made his dream come true.
“Can I have a gin and tonic?” Geng heard someone ask him as his back was turned to the bar.
“That’ll be 6-50--,” he stared, awestruck at Heechul who wore a weak smile on his face when Geng saw him for the first time in years.
“Hi, Geng-it’s been a while,” was all he could manage to say, too nervous to think of something more meaningful.
Geng just stared at him, too distracted to even make his cocktail for him. Heechul chuckled nervously and reminded him of his order which prompted Geng to quickly make the drink and hand it to him. Heechul took a sip and commented on the taste before slipping Geng a bill as his tip.
“What are you doing here, Heechul? I thought you were still in the city. Don’t tell me you’ve moved back,” Geng said, sounding as cold as ever.
Heechul sighed. He’d expected it; well, he expected Geng to curse and throw him out, banning him from ever getting within 50 feet of him again. At least he wasn’t that rash and seemed a lot calmer than Heechul could have ever expected.
“I-I-I came to,” Heechul found himself unable to speak (a trait not common for him), “I came to see you, Geng. I-I want to make things right again.”
“Make what right again?”
“Well, I-”
Geng interrupted him, “You can’t always fix what you’ve broken, Heechul. It’s not that simple-you of all people should know that by now,” Geng said, barely making eye contact with Heechul as he continued serving drinks.
Heechul wasn’t sure just how to go about it. He didn’t want to come on too strong, and he certainly did not want Geng to know, at least not right away, that he was interested in getting back together. He wanted to take things slow, explain why he was there and what prompted him to come back.
But as long as Geng appeared to only be half-interested in anything he had to say, Heechul found himself at a loss. But he was too determined to give up, and he sure as hell was not going to let a case of cold shoulder keep him from what he wanted.
“I want you to know how sorry I am for what I did to you.”
“Remind me what that was again,” Geng snidely replied.
“Come on, Geng, don’t be like this. I didn’t realize that it would be so hard for you in the city. I mean, I know how talented you are-I just thought there would be someone to see what I saw in you-what I still see in you.”
Geng stopped in his tracks, rather motionless and a bit speechless. He remained at a loss for words until it appeared something came rushing back to him because he started to go off on Heechul.
“You better be fucking sorry, Heechul. I dropped everything for you-I gave up everything for you.”
“Geng, I didn’t-”
“You made it seem like everything would be fine and I, stupidly enough, believed every single word you said to me. I was dumb enough to believe we had a future together when it was clear-right from the start that you never felt that way.”
Heechul held his tongue, wanting so much to explain to Geng that he had no idea things would end up not working out. He thought being together in a different place would only make them closer, strengthen their relationship, teach them about overcoming obstacles. He wanted to say all of it but instead, he just let Geng release all the bitterness, even if it meant embarrassing the both of them in such a public place.
“Heechul-you don’t understand how much I sacrificed for you. I’m lucky my parents were understanding when I came back but for as long as I was out there with you, neither of them would speak to me. Not to mention that time we spent in the city-nothing happened. When you got your oh-so-amazing model job, I was at the bottom of your priority list. Do you forget who it was that supported your dream? Do you remember who it was who had to give up their life in this town to go live somewhere hundreds of miles away?”
Heechul tried to reply but he couldn’t think of just what to say.
“You turned my life upside down-you caused me so much trouble, I-I-I’m just so glad we’re through now.”
“So are you saying I came all this way for nothing?”
Geng looked at Heechul, seeing the displeasure in his face and his desire for a real, truthful answer to his question. He exhaled, wiping at the counter with his handtowel. He looked back up at Heechul and calmly but firmly gave his answer.
“I’m saying, if I were you, I would feel damned stupid I wasted so much gas on such a meaningless trip.”
Heechul gripped the bar top, leaning over it before staring down at his glass. He grabbed it and down his drink, wiping his mouth and staring Geng square in the eyes.
“Lucky for me, I have a job that pays me enough so I can pay for that gas,” he replied, meaning every bit of hurt he was sure he caused Geng by saying it. He staggered away from the bar and walked outside, the door slamming behind him as he did.
Geng felt half-obligated to go after him but seeing as how he was still working, he did his job, taking drink orders and occasionally looking back up at the door just in case Heechul came back in.
He didn’t.
The next morning seemed to come a little too quickly for Heechul who woke up in his motel bed, shirtless and lying in a puddle of his own self-worth. The sun seemed to blaze through the half-open blinds, hitting him hard enough to wake him up.
The drink he’d had at Geng’s bar was certainly not his only one the night before. He’d gone to a liquor store (the one where he and Geng had tried to unsuccessfully get an older friend of theirs to buy them a six-pack of beer) and bought a six-pack of beer, a couple of bottles of vodka and a small bottle of Scotch.
He’d downed most of the beer and some of the Scotch, giving himself enough of a nasty hangover the next day. He almost forgot just why he was lying in a motel room in the first place but when he saw a billboard stating the town’s name, he remembered just where he was.
Rubbing his head, he got out of bed and looked at the clock.
“10:34 AM,” he whispered to himself, cringing at the thought of just how much of a pain in the ass the night before had been for him.
“That asshole Geng thinks it’s going to be easy for him to get rid of me? He must’ve forgotten just what kind of trouble Kim Heechul can cause,” he said to himself, looking into the room’s mirror that sat across the room from him.
After getting dressed (and taking a couple of aspirin), Heechul got into his car and drove back to Geng’s parents’ home, half-expecting Geng to still be living there despite being in his mid-20s.
“Hi, it’s me Heechul-Geng’s friend,” he said through the screen door of Geng’s mother’s house. Geng’s mother smiled and greeted him but even she appeared a bit cold towards him.
It wasn’t until later that Heechul would find out that Geng’s mother had resented him for convincing her son that leaving town was a good idea, only to be the same reason why Geng had come back, broken-hearted and penniless.
She explained to Heechul that Geng hadn’t lived there since he first came back to town. It seemed he’d rented an apartment on the other side of town, not too far from the bar where he worked.
“Thanks, I-I’m sorry for all the trouble I caused you and your son. I didn’t mean for things to happen the way they did, I just-can you please forgive me?”
He meant it. He was sincerely sorry that he had made Geng’s mother worry for her son, especially when that first year they’d been together in the city, he had hardly contacted his parents. Heechul expected her to wave him off, not caring for one second that he was sorry.
But thankfully, she (like Geng) reacted much differently than what he expected. She took Heechul’s hands in hers and looked him in the eyes.
“I haven’t seen my son smile the same way he used to before he left. It’s been so long since I’ve really seen him smile. I believe you’re the reason for that-I also believe you’re the only one who can change that.”
Heechul could feel his eyes well up a bit but he chose not to show it, instead only thanking Geng’s mother for her kindness and promising her that he would make things right. She assured him she had full faith in him, which made him grateful that at least one person still felt that he was a good person, even if the past said otherwise.
After getting back into his car, he made the trip over to Geng’s apartment building. He wouldn’t get out, clinging to the steering wheel, staring at his hands while a million thoughts raced through his mind. He played out the scenario of what would happen if he showed up on Geng’s doorstep.
He’d have to explain that he went back to Geng’s mother’s house (bypassing the fact that he actually thought Geng still lived with his parents). He’d have to tell Geng that he apologized to his mother, that she was thankful for it and that she seemed to want them to get back together.
But he couldn’t. it was crazy and it would just make things even worse. He didn’t want to dig any more of a hole for himself, not when it took this much time and this much courage just to make the drive back here.
His eyes drew to the door, wanting so much to be able to walk through it and find out where Geng’s apartment was. He wanted to believe everything would go well, and that he could make things right.
Despite what he had told himself that morning, that bull about how Geng would rue the day he crossed a determined Heechul, it wasn’t that easy-it was never going to be that easy, and deep down, he knew it to be true.
“Heechul?”
He stood in the doorway, staring at Geng with an open mouth and yet, nothing to say. He managed to get out of the car, enter the building, and ask which apartment was Geng’s.
He was lucky he got the right number and that he had the strength to make it up to the third floor where Geng leave without getting scared half-way through. He just continued to stare at Geng, not a word spoken.
“Heechul, why are you here? How did you find out where I lived? Why did you come here?”
Heechul still couldn’t say anything, despite his mouth still being wide open. He just stood there, looking every bit as pathetic as he had when Geng told him it was over.
He appeared to be in a catatonic state until he woke up, realizing where he was. Geng stared at him oddly, waiting for him to say something, anything.
“I-I’m sorry,” was all he managed before turning to walk away.
He stopped when he heard Geng call out to him, “You think that’s enough, Heechul? A couple of forced words with little meaning to them? It’s not going to work-you should have never come back.”
Heechul’s heart beat so fast, he thought he was going to collapse. But every bit of hidden anger he’d buried deep down when he forced himself to think that he had no right to resent Geng, came boiling to the surface at that point.
It was an amazing sight to see, Heechul would learn, because it was a moment few people have where they swallow all their fear in one instance before showing just how bold they really were.
“You think it was easy for me to come back here? God, I drove-I think 300 miles maybe more just to come back here. I didn’t expect an exactly warm welcome but after all you and I had been through, I thought maybe it would have been-it would have been just a little bit easier.”
“Well, you’re an idiot for thinking I’d just fall to your feet and beg you to stay.”
“I never said that’s what I expected! It wasn’t!”
“Why did you come here, Heechul?” Geng asked the same question he had the night before, and still Heechul was reluctant to reveal the real answer.
But when he thought about it, he realized he had nothing left to lose. He was already dealing with a crippling loneliness that began ever since Geng had left and truthfully, he had come accustomed to it. From someone who had such high hopes for his future, he was now someone who would be honestly surprised if his life took a sudden turn in a better direction.
So he answered, he told Geng just why he had decided to come back.
“I came to get you back, Geng. And, honestly-I’m not going back to the city unless you’re in that car, sitting next to me. I’m not leaving without you. I’d rather die than not have you by my side.”
At first Geng appeared taken back then he faded into an disposition that resembled that of a person who was touched by someone’s words. But then that all disappeared and Heechul was left with a cocky smile and a snide chuckle.
“God, you always were so dramatic, Heechul. This isn’t some Hollywood movie where you can just say things like that and expect me to-”
“You know what, save it. I’ve been here not even a full 24 hours and I’ve been verbally assaulted by you one too many times. Besides I’ve got a killer hangover and you’re just making it worse.”
“Hey, I’m a bartender. You think I give a shit about any hangover you have-”
Heechul pressed Geng against the doorframe, causing him to nearly choke with a forceful and unexpected kiss. When he realized what he was doing, he pushed away, looking completely disgusted (and feeling disgusted at himself). Geng on the other hand, just appeared stunned, speechless and immobile.
When he finally blinked, he wiped his mouth and shouted, “Fuck you, Heechul. You think you can pull something like that, and expect me to pull you into a tight embrace?”
He started shaking as if completely enraged and Heechul knew he’d made one too many mistakes. He covered his mouth and tried desperately to hold back the tears that formed around the corners of his eyes. He turned around, trying to collect himself when he heard the door slam and saw Geng had disappeared.
His chest tightened like his heart was being shoved and gripped by a vise. As he choked down the sobs that started pouring out of him, he stumbled down the stairwell until he reached the bottom. He nearly collapsed, only to grab onto the railing and set himself down on the bottom step.
Clinging to the handrail, he began to bawl, unrelenting with the force of all the pent-up despair he’d accumulated in the past few years.
It was cathartic to some degree but that didn’t make it any less painful. His shaking hands started to sweat and he lost his grip on the handrail. His face fell into his hands and he muffled the sounds of his sobbing with them.
“Why the fuck are you crying?” he could hear come from behind him.
He turned around suddenly and saw Geng standing over him, not making eye contact but directing his obvious annoyance at the sobbing mess that was Heechul.
“What?”
“Do you think you’re the only one who has reason to cry, Heechul?” Geng asked without once looking directly down at him, “I think if anyone deserves the chance to cry, it was and still is me.”
Heechul let out a hushed gasp that he tried his best to cover up.
“But I don’t! You want to know why? Because I moved on a long time ago-I realized that I didn’t need you. That it was you that was dragging me down in life.”
The words drove knives into Heechul’s chest, his back, and into his heart. He felt sickened that Geng could hold inside this much anger, but part of him knew that he had every reason to.
“I can’t count how many times I’ve thought about what my life could have been if it weren’t for you.”
“You’re right.”
Geng finally looked down at him as Heechul stood up to face him. The latter wiped his eyes and looked at Geng with a fierce determination the other clearly wasn’t expecting. But Geng relented, turning his head so as to not grasp the full extent of Heechul’s disposition.
“Are you just saying that so I’ll stop talking?”
Heechul paused before sighing deeply and sorrowfully.
“No-no, I’m not,” he wiped his eye and looked towards the floor, “You’re right. If anything, I only deserve to hear how much you hate me now. I don’t deserve the right to cry-not after what I did to you.”
Geng appeared caught off-guard but he was keen on hiding it as best he could.
“Heechul, if you’re bullshitting me so that I-”
“God, will you stop acting like everything I do or say is underhanded? Why the hell do you think I came all the way back here? Just to get you to sleep with me? I already confessed that I was fully intent on staying here if you weren’t willing to go back with me. What more do you want to know?”
Geng crossed his arms and scowled at Heechul. It was a sight he was now too familiar with but still not completely used to.
“Do you-,” Geng cleared his throat, “D-Do you-.”
Clearly he was having trouble asking his question and Heechul knew it.
“Do I what?”
“Do you-do you still-” Geng started to get angry as the question wasn’t coming out as clearly and directly as he’d wanted it to, “Ah, screw it. Never mind. Forget I-”
“Yes.”
Geng turned around and looked back down at Heechul.
“Yes what? I didn’t ask-”
“I know what you were trying to ask. And the answer is yes.”
Geng didn’t say anything, choosing not to fight Heechul and instead taking in his answer, unsure of just how to handle it.
He didn’t get much of a chance before Heechul asked him the same question.
“I thought I did-now I’m not so sure,” he replied, coldly, finding it difficult to look Heechul in the eye.
Heechul didn’t reply, the words too difficult to find. He looked away from Geng so as to hide the tears that found their way back to his eyes. He let out a weak chuckle, trying to mask his obvious hurt.
“I should have known. Silly me for thinking that-you know what, that’s not your problem anymore. I’m sorry for intruding on you, Geng. It was rude and thoughtless.”
He’d been weakened so much at that moment but the strength that was still left inside of him kept him together as long as Geng was in his presence.
“I want to thank you, Geng-you’ve given me a lot to thank about.”
Geng wasn’t quite sure how to take that statement (whether or not Heechul was being passive-aggressive remained to be seen) but before he could respond, Heechul started to fade from him as he made his way to his car.
“I guess, I’ll see you around-or something,” Heechul shouted over to him, “I mean-just have a good time, Geng. Have a nice time bartending and getting your life back on track. I’m sorry for all the trouble I caused-I just-well, never mind that.”
He laughed ironically, before giving Geng a solemn wave and opening the door of his car. He counted to himself, 10 seconds, waiting for Geng to tell him not to go. When he heard nothing and saw nothing from out the corner of his life, he opened the door and got into his car.
Without once looking back at Geng, he drove off, turning up the radio loud enough to drown out the thoughts that were ravaging his mind.
He didn’t notice the look on Geng’s face as he pulled out of the parking lot, nor did he hear Geng call out to him when he closed the door. But Geng didn’t see just how broken Heechul really was at that moment and he wouldn’t know until later.
The next morning, after the hangover was gone, after the red eyes cleared up, after the choked sobs were finally silenced, Heechul decided to do a few things before leaving the place he once called home, for the second time.
“Hello, is Kim there? This is her son.”
Heechul took it upon himself to call up the nursing home where his mother moved to after his father had died. He told her not to do it but when she reminded him of her age and the fact that he and his sister were both no longer around to support her, he changed his mind. His mother paid for it, with his sister contributing a nice chunk.
His mother had never expected him to help out but she never did know about the 100 or so he sent to his sister every month to be put towards his mother’s living expenses.
That was the way he was used to doing things. Secretly, without so much as a word about how he wished for thanks, without discussing the feelings that it gave him whenever he sent that check. Part of the secrecy was the result of an inability to communicate clearly with the people he loved.
It was also part of why Geng was never convinced that Heechul had wanted him to stay and never leave.
“Mom, hi, how are you?”
“Oh, Heechul, it’s been so long since I last saw those beautiful brown eyes.”
As she had aged, his mother had become more devoted to him and his sister, reasoning that her lack of time left on the earth (and her husband’s sudden death from a heart attack) motivated her to show her love for her children as often as she could.
“Mom, how many times do I have to tell you that my eyes are green?” Heechul teased her, giving her a warm hug and leading her to the common area where they were to talk.
“I’ve missed you, son. How have you been? How is that darling boy-”
“We broke up.”
Heechul’s mother looked at him, slightly stunned but something in her eyes said she was expecting it. Of course, it wasn’t because his mother was a pessimist or even lacking in faith in Heechul’s love life. It had more to do with why Heechul would show up, back in town, asking for his mother.
“I see,” she said in a calm, whispered tone, “Well, it’s not the end of the world, sweetheart.”
“Oh please, mother, don’t tell me something so cliché and expect me to take it like sound advice. Do you even know what I did to him?”
“Now, now, Heechul. I know it’s difficult now when the wound is still fresh but-”
“It’s actually been a few years-since we broke up.”
His mother replied, “I see.”
“Can you say something other than ‘I see’, please?” Heechul’s voice began to shake, “I need something other than two meaningless words.”
“Heechul-Heechul, calm down,” his mother attempted to soothe him, “tell me what happened.”
After explaining what had happened, how long it had been since he last saw Geng before coming back, why he decided to come back, and why he wasn’t sitting with Geng by his side at that moment, Heechul burst into tears, his face buried into his mother’s shoulder.
He’d eventually calmed down long enough for his mother to give him the sound advice he so wanted.
“When you want something so bad, you can’t live without it, you have to fight for it. It doesn’t end until you’ve taken your last breath-if you need Han Geng by your side then you make it happen.”
The power in her voice, she didn’t sound like Heechul’s feeble, aging mother but rather like the strong person Heechul wished he could be.
“Thank you, mother. I love you.”
He didn’t go back to Geng right away, thinking it better to figure out just what he was to say in his final speech to him. He needed the right words, the right method of delivering them.
He needed to write a song.
An open mike night was scheduled for that night, advertised all over the town, located at the same bar that Geng happened to work at. It was cliché, Heechul was sure, but he thought it might be the best medium to get through to the other.
After a few too many drunken acts and a couple of screechers, it was Heechul’s chance to perform. Geng had started his shift and was only partially paying attention to the acts that were performing. But when Heechul took the stage, sitting behind an already-set up keyboard, Geng’s full attention was on him, as were the attentions of nearly everyone in the room.
“Hi, my name is Kim Heechul-some of you may know me. For those of you who don’t, I was born and raised in this town and only recently came back. This song is dedicated to the place that I’ve missed and the people I’m hoping will take me back after leaving them.”
His eyes met Geng’s before he looked down and began playing. With lyrics full of sorrow and desire for forgiveness, Heechul sang his heart out, showing the long-hidden musical talents he had never showed Geng.
That was one of the many things about the Heechul that Geng had missed after leaving. He’d learned to play the piano, wanting to fill the void that a once-musical Geng left him. He’d dabbled in songwriting while Geng was gone, trying to feel what it was like for the often-frustrated man who would constantly complain about not being able to come up with anything good.
The experiment gave Heechul a new perspective, allowing him to know just how bad it must have been for Geng, living so far away from home and being unsuccessful at the one thing he’d wanted to do since he was a little kid.
But just learning that lesson wasn’t enough for Heechul. In the time he’d spent without Geng, he’d grown up, promising himself that he wouldn’t ever try and go back, not until he was 100% the man he thought Geng needed. He’d spent some time living in Geng’s shoes, knowing his frustration and feeling it for himself.
He’d also spent time dealing with the crushing loneliness that had weakened his spirit and made him a somewhat broken man. But he wouldn’t let any strength left in him dissipate fully; no, he needed that to give him the courage to get into his car and pursue a man he wasn’t completely sure wanted to be chased.
“I’m nothing without you,” he sang, letting the last line of his own creation trill off his tongue as he pressed the last few keys of his keyboard.
Despite the raucous applause he’d received from everyone else in the room, Geng didn’t look at him, acting as if he didn’t even exist. Heechul didn’t stop staring at him, not even when Geng made eye contact with him and quickly walked off, taking his break.
Heechul quickly got off the stage and ran out of the bar, after Geng who was standing by the dumpster, lighting up a cigarette.
Heechul stopped, slowing his pace and walking closer to the other, leaning against the dumpster. He didn’t say anything, just sticking his hands in his pockets. He coughed a few times as Geng’s smoke filled the silenced air.
“So-how long have you been smoking?” Heechul asked in the most awkward manner possible.
So much for rehearsed speeches, he thought.
Geng laughed sardonically, throwing his cigarette down and stepping on it.
“You don’t get to judge me, Heechul. I can do whatever the fuck I want now that you and I are done.”
“So I’m guessing my song did nothing for you.”
Geng laughed even more heartily, slamming his hand down on the dumpster. He looked at Heechul with an aggravated expression on his face.
“I knew you had some deeper motives behind that song. I’m not just some-crazy fangirl who will throw my panties at you every time you sing about me. God, you’re so conceited, Heechul.”
Heechul put his hand, gesturing for Geng to stop, “Stop. I’m just-I can’t deal with this anymore. I thought I had it in me to do whatever it would take to make you see that you and I were good together. I’m fighting a losing battle and I just-I can’t deal with it anymore.”
He started to walk off but Geng stopped him.
“Heechul, wait. I want to explain something to you.”
Heechul turned around slowly, but refused to look up. He was sure that whatever Geng had to say would end in more tears and a trip back to the city with Heechul driving with an empty passenger’s seat next to him.
“Do you remember what you told me when I was about to walk out of our apartment that night?”
Heechul shook his head, honestly unsure of what had happened since he tried so hard to forget that night.
“I told you that I was sure you didn’t need me anymore. And the truth was-you didn’t.”
“Geng, that is such bull. I did need you-I still need you.”
“Let me finish.”
Heechul shut right up, allowing Geng to continue without interruption.
“As I was saying-you didn’t need me. At that point you had a career on the rise and you had nowhere to go but up. Not to mention all the new friends you had made were sure of just how successful you were going to be. All I saw when I looked at you was a man who was content on his own.”
Heechul bit his lip, nodding his head but stopping himself from saying anything until Geng was completely done.
“I know before that I said I was the one who didn’t need you-and the truth is, that wasn’t the truth.”
“What?”
“I needed you, Heechul-I needed you so much. I was so lonely in that goddamn city, even when you were laying beside me in bed. I wanted you to realize how much I needed you but I never had the guts to tell you that. And now it’s too late.”
“Why would you say that, Geng? I’m here-right now, wanting you with every inch of my being.”
“It’s not that simple, Heechul! You think I can just give up anything I have here for you-again? After what happened last time?”
“I love you!”
Geng stopped, mouth half-open as he stared at the look in Heechul’s eyes. There was so much sincerity and so much determination that it was hard to ignore. But he blinked, looked away and pretended he didn’t see it.
“I know you do.”
Heechul started to look disappointed, “I guess that’s all you can say, these days. I guess I understand it-or at least I’ll try to.”
“Heechul-”
“I don’t want you to force yourself to pretend like you still care about me. I don’t want to be a backup plan-if you really want to be with me, I want you to because you want to not because you feel like you need to. It was a mistake to come here, I admit. I’m sorry for-”
Heechul couldn’t speak. Geng kissed him, hard enough to leave him speechless, both physically and mentally. When he let go, he stared at Heechul who had resorted back to his catatonic state, without a word leaving his mouth. He didn’t even blink for a good five minutes.
“Maybe I shouldn’t have done that,” Geng said out loud, sounding like he was talking to himself.
“What does this mean?!” Heechul asked, suddenly shouting.
“I’m not sure anymore. I thought I was so sure of what I wanted but when I look at you, I see this compassion-this fire inside you that I never saw in the time we lived together. I just-”
He grabbed Heechul again and kissed the other, wrapping his arms tightly around his waist. Heechul felt the warmth of a few tears rolling down his cheeks. Something about the kiss felt right, like everything prior to that moment had led him to the wrong conclusions.
Now he felt sure, more sure than he had ever felt before.
“I love you.”
“I-I love you, too.”
Heechul shut the trunk of his car, as best he could with all that had been shoved into it. He grunted a few times but when he finally got it closed, he wiped his brow and smiled widely.
“I can’t believe this is happening.”
Geng smiled back before kissing him on the forehead.
“Believe it,” he said in a soothing tone that made Heechul’s heart beat faster.
“Geng, can I ask you a question?”
“As long as it involves what we’re eating for breakfast-seriously, I’m starving,” the other teased.
Heechul smiled faintly but it disappeared quickly as he attempted to gather the strength to ask his next question.
“What made you change your mind?” he mumbled, “I mean, I know you said that there was a look in my eyes-but it didn’t long for you to change your mind. I’m not bragging or anything but I didn’t expect only a week to be the amount of time it would take-”
“You’re rambling.”
“Point taken! Anyways, I was just curious-what was it?”
Geng let out a sigh, but he didn’t sound frustrated or annoyed by Heechul’s questioning. In fact, he seemed relieved like he was finally allowed to get something off his chest.
He looked at Heechul and put his hand on the other’s face.
“It was that look in your eyes-but the words you said. That song you sang-everything. I don’t think I ‘gave in’ or even that I did it too quickly-it’s just, when you feel something and to you, it’s the right thing to feel, then you just have go with it. Does that make sense?”
Despite how jumbled it sounded and despite the fact that Geng didn’t speak with quite the eloquence Heechul was used to in his time living in the city, he understood everything that came from the other man’s mouth. To him, it was like poetry and it gave him a sense of comfort.
But it wasn’t just his words. It was that warmth he felt when Geng held him in his arms, like no matter where he was-in the city or in his hometown-he was home, as long as Geng was with him.
So when they drove those hundreds of miles back to their old shared apartment and Geng unpacked his stuff, Heechul felt no different. Or rather, he didn’t feel like he’d had to get used to any sort of new situation that came along with Geng moving back in.
It was as if he had never left and it certainly was as if that night had never happened.
For the first time in two years, Heechul felt like he’d achieved the dream he had always had. It wasn’t an apartment in the city, it wasn’t a modeling contract, it wasn’t gaining success.
It wasn’t any of that.
It was Geng, and as he told him every night from then on, it was always him.
THE END