Always [One-shot]

[wookism]

Title: Always
Word Count: 9,740
Pairing: EunHae, KiHae
Rating: R [language, sexual references, references to suicide and alcohol abuse]
Summary: “You don’t know what it’s like, pining after someone who’s forgotten you exist.”

He wasn’t expecting the suddenness of it all. He wasn’t expecting Donghae to just disappear without so much as a word and much less an explanation. All Hyukjae knew and supposed that he needed to know was that it was over.

He picked up his phone, searched for Donghae’s name in his contacts and pressed “Send.”

“Why isn’t he answering?” Hyukjae asked despite knowing the answer.

He must have tried twenty times before finally giving up and falling back onto his bed. He stared at the ceiling all while thinking it really is over in his head, over and over again. He repeated it in his mind, knowing full well that Donghae was gone. But even after thinking over and over again until it was practically engraved inside his mind, he still couldn’t believe it.

How did that perfect little world that the two of them were always in suddenly disappear? How could Donghae let that happen? How could he let it happen?

“No. No. No, I can’t let this happen. I can’t let it happen. It can’t be over. It’s not over until I say it is!” he growled throwing his phone to the ground (miraculously without damaging it) but stopped when he looked in the mirror. The small picture of himself and Donghae stood out to him, tucked into the wooden frame of his dresser’s mirror.

It called out to him, made him relive the moment in which they took it. But more importantly, it caused him to suddenly feel the unrelenting anguish that came when he finally realized that yes, it was over. That moment in time, it was in the past, where it would stay.

But even after a small moment of realization, he still couldn’t accept reality. He wouldn’t allow for any of this to happen, not when he was still 100% in love with Donghae; not when he was sure Donghae was still in love with him.

He ran towards his front door, grabbing his shoes and his jacket and slipping them on before stepping out of his apartment. Before shutting the door behind him, he stopped when he noticed something taped to it.

A note that said just two words stared back at him.

I’m sorry.

That was all. No other explanation or wording on it. There wasn’t even a signature. But despite this, Hyukjae was sure of whom it was from.

He arrived at Donghae’s apartment not too long after, but he couldn’t seem to muster up the courage to knock on the door. He stayed in one place. His fingers were curled up into his palm ready to knock but nothing.

Hyukjae wasn’t sure of just what to say. What could he say? There was so much he wanted to say, so much he wanted to ask, but it so hard to pick a place to start.

He attempted to knock once again but was startled by the sounds of approaching footsteps. They were followed by the sounds of laughter as well voices. Hyukjae quickly took off, only to wind up just around the corner. He waited to see just who it was, deciding he’d go back to standing in front of the apartment if it was no one.

But it wasn’t no one.

It was someone; it was Donghae. And he wasn’t alone. The person he was with certainly didn’t seem like a stranger, but even more so, he didn’t seem like just a friend.

Hyukjae couldn’t help but notice the close proximity in which they were from each other; not to mention, they were holding hands. The sound of laughter only grew louder but now it was accompanied with cheerful faces and wide smiles.

He stared at the pair, watched as they parted ways but not before ending whatever appointment they’d just had with a kiss. Whoever Donghae was with walked towards Hyukjae as the other went inside.

Hyukjae quickly turned back, took out his phone and pretended to be calling someone. The stranger noticed Hyukjae but just greeted him with a simple smile before waltzing off (or what looked like waltzing off to a very annoyed Hyukjae). When he disappeared, he came back to the way to Donghae’s apartment.

He stomped over and stood back in place, staring at the door. He wanted so much to be able to pound on that door and give Donghae a piece of his mind for just disappearing suddenly, only to turn up with a companion.

But no matter how much he wanted to, he couldn’t. He was terrified. If he said a single word to Donghae, it was like he was accepting that they were no longer together and that Donghae was right to move on. He couldn’t do that, he wouldn’t do that, and he didn’t do that.

He simply walked away, headed towards the stairwell and left Donghae’s apartment complex.

He gave Donghae absolutely no notice that he had gotten his message. He didn’t want to acknowledge such a shoddy way of breaking up. And even if he wanted to tell Donghae, he couldn’t do it.

Instead, he opted for an alternative route. With every breakup comes a phase of depression, that is if the breakup was unwanted to the extent that it was for Hyukjae. He chose to cope through various methods: alcohol, refusal to tend to himself, shunning of the outside world, and at one point, sobbing uncontrollably into his pillow.

He knew he wasn’t acting like a man. Or at least that’s what he believed. What kind of man would just sit and cry over someone, he thought. He wouldn’t allow himself that freedom, at least not without the self-loathing that would follow if he did indulge.

But it didn’t last long. His depression turned into anger; a seething rage that he could not control came over him. He took it out on anything that reminded him of Donghae; photos, CDs, t-shirts left in his apartment. But with every attention to these little reminders, Hyukjae just grew to long for, crave even Donghae.

He craved the moments they’d shared, from the small moments like grocery-shopping or walking around the local park; to the larger moments, when they first made love, for instance. That was a moment he couldn’t soon forget, nor could he stop remembering at that point in time.

He sat back on his bed, back to his pillow and remembered. He remembered every detail of the way Donghae looked, his nervousness practically exuding from every part of him. His smile, it was so awkward, but he wanted it all to happen so bad. Hyukjae knew, he knew then and he knew now that it was what they both had wanted.

He felt the sting of tears forming in his eyes so he closed them. But that only made the image more vivid in his mind. It was like Donghae was still there. He wanted to reach out and touch him, feel that face, that skin, but he knew he couldn’t.

He opened his eyes and took in all the emptiness of his room. There was no one there and he was terrified of the idea that there might never be anyone again.

He didn’t get much sleep that night. It was difficult to when Donghae would pop into his head just as he was still lucid. And even when he was already sleeping, the dreams would come, full-force, causing him to wake up suddenly.

Hyukjae opted to open his eyes, keeping them open as he stared into the darkness towards the ceiling. He was more and more aware of his solitary state when the bed felt so empty, so cold. He proceeded to toss and turn, hoping the movement would do something to distract him from this fact. It didn’t work.

More nights like that one came for him. They grew more and more intrusive, disrupting every instance of peace he found by constantly reminding him that he was alone. He had never felt so abandoned in his entire life.

And even when he had acquired an invitation to a party held by a close friend, he didn’t feel any less lonely.

The day came suddenly for him, and he felt a mixture of excitement and dread. He wasn’t quite sure as to what it could entail, but he knew for sure one thing would happen.

The close friend who had invited him, he had been introduced to Hyukjae through Donghae. This could only mean one thing: Donghae would be there and it was likely he would not come alone. Morbid curiosity motivated Hyukjae to attend the party but he was sure to keep his guard up, for as long as possible.

But despite an hour or two of relative enjoyment with no possible sight of Donghae or his plus one, that moment was ruined when he found the pair chatting up the host and appearing without a care in the world. Hyukjae couldn’t bear to see them, not when they looked so happy and not when Donghae acted as if he had never existed.

Once more, he certainly wasn’t prepared to come face to face with the one person he had never known but hated more than anyone else: Kim Kibum, the reason he was no longer able to be happy. When he first saw him, he felt a pang of jealousy mixed with overwhelming insecurity.

He was good-looking, with a smile that instantly made anyone around him flock to his side. But on his own, he would not have made Hyukjae think any less of himself. It was that stare, that longing gaze from Donghae when the two looked at each other. That was what hurt the most.

Hyukjae took his half-empty glass of liquor and downed it, wiping his mouth like he was trying to get out the bad taste Kibum’s presence left in his mouth.

Then there was the uneasy expression from Donghae who spotted him from across the room. Hyukjae’s anger fled instantly, replaced with the unmistakably feeling of anxiety as Donghae grabbed Kibum and the two slowly walked towards him. He felt like he could hear his own pulse as his heart beat faster and faster.

Then Hyukjae heard the words he’d prayed to God he would never hear.

“Hyukjae, this is my boyfriend, Kibum.”

He was partially disgusted by the relative ease with which Donghae said that statement. It was so matter-of-fact, with no hesitation and no thought as to the consequences of such information being exposed.

Hyukjae knew it already but he’d hoped in the most irrational part of his mind that without confirmation, it could not possibly be taken for true.

He said nothing at first, merely staring at Kibum as if looking for the slightest flaw to use against the both of them. When he found nothing, he finally spoke.

“Hello. My name is Lee Hyukjae. It’s nice to meet you,” his tone as cold as ice and his greeting as formal as possible. He didn’t want to acknowledge the fact that meeting Kibum meant anything to him. Furthermore, he wanted his past relationship with Donghae to remain out of the conversation.

He was to a point where he did not want to associate with someone who had hurt him so. No matter how much he longed for Donghae to come back to him.

Kibum stared blankly but followed quickly with a warm smile, embracing Hyukjae’s presence with that awe-inducing grin. His eyes seemed to light up like he had met someone he’d been dying to be introduced to for so long.

And that’s exactly who Hyukjae was to him.

“I’ve heard so much about you! My name’s Kim Kibum. It’s really great to meet you. Donghae can never give anything but absolute praise for you.”

Hyukjae was caught off-guard, his eyes quickly moved to Donghae’s face. The slight shock and uncertainty told him hardly any of that was true. Kibum was lying and boy was he good at it. Hyukjae turned back to Kibum, and though the smile was still there, his facial expression had a more sinister twist to it.

If he hadn’t known any better, Hyukjae could’ve sworn Kibum felt threatened by his presence. From the way he grabbed tighter to Donghae’s hand to the way he seemed to puff up his chest and stand taller. It was obvious there was something about Hyukjae that made Kibum feel the need to put on airs.

Needless to say, this amused Hyukjae. After all, if the new boyfriend felt the need to possessiveness than surely Hyukjae was a threat.

He decided to use it to his advantage, primarily to make the both of them feel as uncomfortable as possible.

“That’s interesting because from the times Donghae and I have talked, you know, since the breakup, he never mentioned a Kibum. I mean, I figured out he was seeing someone else-the way he broke up with me could attest to that. But there was never a mention of a Kibum,” he chuckled. “In fact, I could’ve sworn he was seeing someone a lot-.”

“A lot what?”

“Taller. Bigger. More Handsome? Older? Take your pick.”

His smile was more of a devious smirk directed at the both of them. Donghae was clearly angry while Kibum was impressed albeit a bit stunned.

“Well, you see, when I told you that Donghae talks about you a lot-well, that was a little bit of a fib.”

“What?”

“I wasn’t aware Donghae dated you until 5 minutes ago and that was from someone else entirely. Seems he wasn’t exactly crazy about the idea of letting me know his taste used to be so-drab.”

“Drab?!” Hyukjae’s voice cracked slightly, indicating just how shocked he was at Kibum’s boldness.

“Yes, drab. And I don’t blame him. I’m just a little disappointed he didn’t-I don’t know-lie and pretend you were someone a lot taller, bigger, more handsome, older-take your pick.”

With raised eyebrows and a gaping mouth, Hyukjae stared at Kibum who was quite clearly reveling in his apparent outrage. But Hyukjae wasn’t likely to back down, not when Donghae was right there, not when he was possibly thinking he made a good choice by picking Kibum over him.

No, he had to prove Donghae wrong and he certainly had to bring down the pedestal on which Kibum stood.

“Wow, Donghae. I knew you were gay but I didn’t realize just how much you liked assholes.”

Kibum gasped angrily while Donghae’s eyes looked about ready to pop out of his head. The whole party went quiet as well with all eyes on Hyukjae who wasn’t the least bit worried about making any more of an ass out of himself than he already had.

“I’m glad we’re not together anymore. You clearly think you need and deserve better than me and who am I to argue with someone who picks that,” he pointed to Kibum, “over me. Who am I to question your actions and your wants, Donghae? We don’t know each other anymore. You and I-history, ancient history.”

He headed towards the foyer, picking up his shoes and his jacket as well. He turned around and proudly declared, “Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to go-somewhere where the booze isn’t cheap and neither are the people. Good night, everybody!”

Hyukjae slammed the door, refusing to look back. But that didn’t stop him from feeling like a complete ass as he dragged his way back to where he’d came from.

Things only got worse for him there. Even when his friends (the few he had left post-breakup) attempted to cheer him up or try and understand just why he acted the way he had at the party, it did him no good. He couldn’t bear it anymore.

Donghae had moved on, quickly and without a single thought about the consequences. He’d changed. He was no longer the caring, sweet man he was before; he no longer cared about Hyukjae.

On one particular night, he’d reached what was quite possibly his lowest point. It involved too much vodka and heartbreaking music that only reminded of just why he was so depressed in the first place. He wasn’t sure what got to him first but he knew what he needed to do.

He got up from his living room couch and started to gather some items. First he went into the kitchen, opened a drawer and grabbed the biggest knife he could find. He placed it on the coffee table, next to the nearly empty bottle of vodka and went into the bathroom. He opened the medicine cabinet and attempted to search for a bottle of pills.

When he found some painkillers next to a bottle of sleeping pills, he grabbed both and quickly closed the cabinet. But he stopped when he looked into his reflection.

The image of himself holding those pill bottles in his hand with only the worst of intentions caused Hyukjae to begin to cry. But this wasn’t a simple moment of being upset. He started to bawl, dropping the bottles from his hands, disgusted at the very sight of them. He fell to the floor, head and arms draped over the covered toilet seat. He sobbed into his sweater sleeve, the tears surely staining the sweater or at least dampening it significantly.

He started to choke on his own tears, finding it difficult to breathe. He attempted to crawl before finally standing back up only to fall forward. He fell back onto the bathroom rug, looking up at the ceiling as the tears streamed down his face, rolling off his chin. He wiped his eyes with each of his sleeves while biting his lip to keep from expelling any more sound.

He lay on the floor for twenty minutes, swallowing every attempted sob before finally quieting down when he heard a sound. It was his cell phone and it was buzzing to let him know he had just received a text message.

At first, he decided against checking to see who it was from, but his curiosity peaked and he slowly staggered up from the floor. He hustled over to the couch, picking up his phone from the coffee table to see who had sent it.

And despite all his greatest wishes, he was shocked to see that it was indeed from Donghae, of all people. He was quick to open it, reading it before letting out a small gasp.

We need to talk. Are you free right now?

Hyukjae wasn’t sure what to tell him. Could he really stand seeing the one person that nearly caused an attempt at suicide not too long before? Or would he forget the instance ever happened and swallow his pride long enough to see the person he loved?

He chose the latter, taking little time to respond to Donghae, assuring him that he could meet and asked him for the location.

Come over to my apartment as soon as you can. I’ll be waiting.

Something about the text seemed off. Maybe it was the wording. “I’ll be waiting” sounded strange coming from someone Hyukjae was sure did not want to see him again.

But why would Donghae text him to come over if he didn’t want to see him?

Hyukjae shook his head, trying to get the questioning thoughts out of his head. He quickly got up and made himself presentable before leaving his apartment and heading towards Donghae’s.

To say he was nervous was a severe understatement. But he didn’t want to over-think before arriving there. Over-thinking kept him from talking to Donghae after the breakup in the first place. So he just arrived as promptly as he could, standing back in front of that apartment door, staring it in the face.

This time, though, he wasn’t able to leave before saying anything. Donghae had caught sight of him before he had the chance to run away. He opened the door and greeted Hyukjae. He seemed blank, like he wasn’t willing to show exact emotions to Hyukjae.

It was like a visit from a plumber or something with how formally Donghae was treating Hyukjae, from the way he spoke to him to the unattached glances he gave him every now and then.

“Why did you call me over, Donghae? It’s not like you have any reason to-not after what happened,” Hyukjae finally spoke, making reference both to the party as well as the breakup in general.

Donghae didn’t respond right away. After seating Hyukjae at the couch, he took his time before finally sitting in an easy chair that faced it. He looked at Hyukjae, another cold stare, before looking back down at his lap.

He pretended to fix the crease in his pants as he talked to himself.

“I should probably say why you’re here,” he half-whispered, like he wasn’t talking to another person but instead thinking aloud. He looked up again, eyes staring forward back at Hyukjae.

“I felt that we needed to talk-since the only time we’d talked was at that party. I realized I owed you another apology.”

“Apology?”

“Yes. I realized I shouldn’t have just ended things with a note. It wasn’t fair to you. You deserved an explanation.”

“You’re damn right, I did,” Hyukjae replied, his fist on his thigh in a pose he used to assert himself. But another indifferent look from Donghae was enough to cause him to back down. He did all but apologize at that point.

“As I said, it wasn’t fair to you. I should tell you just why I decided to end things,” Donghae took a breath before continuing. “I just-I couldn’t take it anymore. You didn’t care anymore and I just couldn’t do anything to change things. I felt suffocated and I needed to get out. It all happened so fast, I just didn’t take the time to think-maybe I need to explain things to Hyukjae. I didn’t think I needed to.”

“You didn’t think you needed to?” Hyukjae suddenly stood up, “Donghae, we were together for almost 10 years-since we were teenagers. And you tell me you didn’t think you needed to tell the person you’ve been with for that long that you were leaving them? That’s just-just insane!”

“I didn’t mean-”

“You know what I went through because you ‘didn’t think you needed to’ tell me it was over and why. You didn’t even bother to tell me to my face. A note? This isn’t junior high, Donghae. I deserved more than a half-assed apology and no explanation! I love you!”

“I told you I was sorry! What else am I supposed to say? It was really complicated for me and I didn’t think you’d even care. I think we both knew our relationship had run its course.”

“No! No, Donghae! Don’t give me that bullshit! I didn’t know things were wrong, because you didn’t tell me. But that’s clearly a hobby of yours!”

“Don’t start with me, Hyukjae. I swear-”

“What? What are you going to do? Break up with me? You already did that, Donghae. And can I just say, you really suck at breaking up with people. Next time, I’ll be the one to do it.”

Donghae scoffed, “Next time? There won’t be a next time, Hyukjae. I already said I’m done. You and I are done.”

Hyukjae stood in place, not moving and barely blinking. He bit his lip, however, trying his damnedest to keep himself from saying something he knew he’d end up regretting.

But he couldn’t bear the silence. He had to speak up.

“I can’t believe how casually you say that. I can’t believe that this is you, Donghae, the same person who told me that he would always be with me. You made me a promise, Donghae! We promised each other that no matter what, we wouldn’t break up. You promised me!”

“Promises aren’t forever, Hyukjae!” Donghae started to yell as did Hyukjae. Their tempers flared and each one was struggling to show the other just how angry they were at that point.

“Don’t give me that bullshit, Hyukjae. Don’t tell me that I promised you things. You know damn well that people change. I would’ve never broken up with you if you hadn’t changed what seems like overnight.”

“What are you even talking about?” Hyukjae sneered, annoyed that Donghae, to him, was basically speaking without giving any thought to what he was saying.

“What happened to you, Hyukjae? I remember when you acted like every moment with me was just pure bliss for you. You treated me like I was the most precious person on earth to you. I had never felt so special and so loved in my entire life. I can’t even tell you how much I adored the way you treated me.” He paused, “But something happened. Something changed.”

“That’s where you’re wrong, Donghae. I still love you and I could give you everything you wanted if you gave me another chance.”

“That’s not going to happen.”

“Then what am I supposed to do? Do you really just expect me to move on as easily as you clearly did?”

Donghae looked at Hyukjae, unable to answer his questions. He turned away, afraid to show his face. He wasn’t able to show just how disappointed he was at the situation; not yet, anyways.

Hyukjae continued. He’d begun to tear up again, and the tears didn’t stay long before they started streaming down his face.

“You don’t know what it’s like, pining after someone who’s forgotten you exist.”

Donghae stared at Hyukjae’s tear-stained face, his red eyes saying more than the clear anguish in his voice and in his words ever could. He looked away, clenching his fist until he left marks in his palm. He needed to do something, anything to keep from completely breaking down.

“I can’t,” was all he could manage to say, each word coming out cold and shaky. The repressed anxiety he was feeling made him appear disinterested in what Hyukjae had to say.

“That’s all you can ever say, Donghae. I’m just an obstacle in your way of happiness. You act like I’m a vice instead of the person you swore you’d never stop loving.”

He didn’t give Donghae a chance to respond before grabbing his jacket and leaving the apartment. The slam of the door was enough to cause a complete breakdown for Donghae. Eyes watery, chest compressed to the point where he felt he couldn’t breathe, hands shaking so bad he had to hold them between his legs.

His uncontrollable sobbing could be heard by Hyukjae who hadn’t yet left the doorstep. He turned around, placing his hands on either side of the doorframe, wanting so much to come back in and change everything with an “I’m sorry” followed by an “I love you.”

But he was afraid. He wasn’t afraid of the inevitable vulnerability that would come with uttering three words he hadn’t said since Donghae had left him the first time. He was afraid of the rejection. He couldn’t bear it anymore; it came in every form. The smile Donghae had when Kibum walked into a room, the acknowledgment of a new relationship he’d give to his friends, the shared apartment the two had, something he never gave Hyukjae.

Hyukjae collected himself, wiping his eyes with his hand before putting his gloves back on and walking into the cold air of nightfall.

When he got home, he didn’t know what to do with himself. He felt guilty to say the least; he’d made Donghae cry and there was no worse sound in his mind than the sounds of Donghae’s choked sobs. But there was nothing he could do.

He tried to make the best of the unfortunate situation thrust upon him. But where was he to go from here? Should he try and move in the same way Donghae had?

He couldn’t bear the thought of trying to love someone else. To him, there was no one better than Donghae and there never would be. He refused, at least for the time being. Fresh off a breakup when his feelings were still unsettled was not the best time to try and find someone else.

So what could he do?

He tried but the answer wouldn’t come to him. Not yet, anyways.

On a particularly sunny and bright day, Hyukjae had his entire room dark and didn’t wake up until well into the afternoon. He didn’t want to wake up, feeling like no matter what he’d end up reminded of Donghae and no matter how good the day started, it would end miserably.

That’s what he was. He was miserable, utterly and completely miserable.

He woke up, reasoning to himself that it didn’t matter when he woke up. He had nowhere to be and had no one to see. He went into the kitchen of his apartment in an attempt to find food. He was deciding what meal he should be eating (since it was around 4pm, he didn’t know if breakfast, lunch, or dinner was appropriate).

Whilst making his choice, the doorbell rang. He was caught off-guard to say the least. Who would be coming to see him, on a Sunday afternoon? Suspicious, he walked to the front hall and looked through the peephole.

When he saw Donghae standing outside, he was stunned. He wasn’t sure whether or not to answer it but his curiosity got the best of him and soon the door opened and the two came face-to-face again.

“What are you doing here?” was the best thing Hyukjae could come up with when greeting Donghae.

“Can I come in?” Donghae asked, acting as if all was fine between them, but still keeping a respectful distance.

“What are you doing here?” Hyukjae repeated, wanting an explanation before allowing the person he least wanted to see at that moment to enter his personal space.

“Can I come in, Hyukjae? I really need to talk to you.”

His kind face and non-hostile stance made him not only approachable but a tad attractive to an otherwise assertive yet astonished Hyukjae. He shyly allowed the other in, only to realize how much of a mess he must have looked at that moment.

The two made their way to the living room with Donghae leading the way, acting like he knew exactly where everything was. And he did. The countless times he had come over when the two were still an item always were a favorite to Hyukjae who, deep down, longed for them to return.

“So-” he started, “you said you wanted to talk?”

Donghae sat down on the couch and patted the seat next to him. Hyukjae complied and sat down, looking at Donghae with a hint of curiosity, wondering just what the other man had on his mind. Surely it couldn’t have been any worse than the last time he “wanted to talk.”

Or at least that’s what Hyukjae hoped, deep down.

“I don’t want to fight with you anymore. I’m not looking for a fight. I just want you to understand my situation,” Donghae tried his hardest to be considerate to Hyukjae while still standing up for himself.

“I’m listening.”

“I think we keep getting off on the wrong foot every time we talk. And I just want it to stop.”

“Ok,” Hyukjae replied, prompting Donghae to clarify.

“I think you and I could still be friends. I mean, we have so much history that for the two of us to completely leave each other’s lives would be-well, impossible. What do you think?”

“You want to know what I think about the two of us remaining friends?” Hyukjae replied with a bit of snark.

Donghae seemed genuine with his answer of “Yeah.”

Hyukjae couldn’t help but chuckle a little. He felt a tad insulted that Donghae would think it so simple that the two of them just become friends and pretend none of the bad stuff ever happened. He hated the idea more than anything.

To Hyukjae, it was all or nothing. If he couldn’t be with Donghae, he wanted little to nothing to do with him.

“I don’t like the idea. I don’t think it’s possible for us to be friends any more than it’s possible for you and I to leave everything in the past.”

Donghae seemed disappointed but when Hyukjae continued, the disappointment slowly morphed into an unmistakable annoyance and frustration.

“I’m still angry, Donghae. That’s not going away anytime soon and frankly, it’s rude of you to think that it would be. You may be able to pick up the pieces and move on in an instance but some of us prefer to grief over a 10-year long relationship ending. But what else is new? Donghae only cares about what he wants and expects everyone else to agree to it.”

“Hyukjae-I came here because I thought since some time has passed, you’d be more open to the idea,” Donghae talked through clenched teeth, which was accompanied by a furrowed brow and slowly clenching fists.

“And I told you that I’m not. Seriously, it’s like talking to a brick wall. A really selfish brick wall, at that.”

Donghae tried his hardest to repress his anger but Hyukjae kept pressing on, taunting him and insulting him until he reached his breaking point.

“What’s worse is you still don’t think anything you did was wrong. That’s what hurts the most, Donghae.”

“What do you want me to say, Hyukjae? At every turn, you’ve made it difficult for me to take anything you say seriously. You’re childish and selfish and you think everyone else is the problem. But you know what your problem is? You don’t admit when you’re wrong.”

“Do I, Donghae? What am I wrong about? Am I wrong about you and me? Am I wrong about the fact that you cheated on me and left me for someone else? Am I wrong about Kibum?”

“You’re wrong about everything, Hyukjae!”

“I’M NOT WRONG ABOUT ANYTHING!”

Hyukjae panted, his seething rage expelling with every breath he took. He knew he was wrong, at least about the fact that he wasn’t at fault for Donghae leaving him. But he couldn’t admit that. This wasn’t a sweet love story; this was war. This was a battle to end all battles and the only outcome he wanted was one that ended with Donghae coming back to him.

“You can think what you want about how we ended things or about the guys I choose to date after you. Your opinion doesn’t matter to me, anymore and it never will again.”

Donghae tried to walk away but he stopped when he heard Hyukjae speak.

“How does it feel, Donghae, how does it feel to say hurtful things to someone you know is completely and hopelessly in love with you? How can you live with yourself when you spend every second of your life making mine miserable?”

He didn’t even bother to look back at Hyukjae when he replied, “Hyukjae-stop. Just stop. Your guilt-tripping is not going to work-”

“I love you, Donghae!”

Donghae stopped. He turned around and looked at Hyukjae, on his knees and clearly visible tears in his eyes. He walked closer but stopped just short of 3 feet away from Hyukjae.

“What?”

“I love you, Donghae. I love you and I want to be with you,” he stopped to take a breath, his tears getting the best of him, “and I don’t care what it takes. I will fight for you.”

He stared up at Donghae, a longing look in his eyes. He was hoping that Donghae would at the very least take pity on him and tell him he felt the same. But that was ridiculous-he couldn’t fall short of his goal and he needed Donghae to feel exactly the same way.

“It’s-it’s not that simple, Hyukjae. I-I know that you love me. You don’t think I know that? You tell me-get up,” he tried to help Hyukjae back up but the other refused.

“Fine,” he finally gave up and continued, “As I was just saying-I don’t-I can’t. Kibum-”

Hyukjae stood up and the two were mere inches apart from each other. Their noses were nearly touching and their lips were not much further away. Hyukjae stared straight into Donghae’s eyes, hoping just the look in his eyes would be enough to show him that he was serious and that he meant every word he’d said.

Donghae tried to turn away, blinking, closing his eyes, anything to keep from getting sucked in. But it was difficult, especially when his eyes lowered and he stared at Hyukjae’s mouth. His lips were slightly pursed like they were waiting for something.

He groaned softly, looking away but Hyukjae didn’t budge and his lips did not move. When Donghae looked back towards him, that’s when Hyukjae struck. A forceful but passionate kiss happened between them in only an instant. Of course, Donghae was stunned-shocked was the proper word, rather-and attempted to react.

But rather than push Hyukjae away right away, and let himself get sucked in. He let Hyukjae kiss him but only for a few seconds before pulling away. He gasped, angry but it didn’t last long. One last look in Hyukjae’s eyes and he was the one initiating the kiss, hands pressed firmly on either side of Hyukjae’s face, lips pressed firmly on his.

Things took a turn at that moment, with words replaced with gasps and sighs and heavy panting. What was anger was now desire, unguarded lust that only fueled their actions. Shirts went unbuttoned, jeans went unzipped, belts unbuckled.

There was regard for time or location when they hit that bedroom, bodies intertwined in an unbreakable embrace that caused the both of them to fall onto the mattress. Hyukjae rolled over so as to have Donghae on top of him, his hands sliding up the bare skin of the other’s back.

He took a moment to catch his breath, eyelids a flutter as he stared at the face he’d longed to see for so very long. That face of an earthbound angel with soft eyes and a kind smile and a loving glow-that was the Donghae he longed for more than anything.

Slowly moving his head upwards, he kissed Donghae, sweetly and with all the love he could muster into a single kiss. Donghae moved suddenly, so as to lie on his side, next to Hyukjae. He appeared more comfortable in this position, lying next to him without saying a word.

Hyukjae turned on his side to face him, and put his arm around Donghae’s waist and leaned in to kiss him on the forehead. He took the opportunity to move himself closer, as well as pulling Donghae in. He wanted to be close to him, he wanted to feel his skin on Donghae’s skin. He’d missed that touch, the gentle, loving touch that had made him sure there was no greater bliss than when the two were in a tight embrace.

He watched as Donghae slowly closed his eyes, a hint of a smile spreading across his face. He lay there with Hyukjae never once taking his eyes off him.

“I love you.”

Time passed by and the moment the pair shared was interrupted by the loud sound of a phone buzzing. Donghae quickly got up and crawled off the bed. Hyukjae watched him, he was sure that phone belonged to Donghae and that it was a message or a phone call from Kibum. He didn’t say anything, not wanting to ruin whatever small chance he had of things going back to the way he wanted.

“Hello?” Donghae answered, sounding anxious, “Hi. Yeah, I’m out right now-I’ll be home soon-Yeah, I can pick some up-okay-I love you, too. Bye.”

Hyukjae turned away, biting his lip and clenching his fist, trying to hide his frustration. He looked back when Donghae made a small noise, like a cough to get the other’s attention.

“I have to go,” he said softly, no longer openly making eye contact with Hyukjae.

“You probably should. We wouldn’t want your little boyfriend to know where you were, would we?”

Hyukjae got back up and put on his shirt, slipping it on before letting out an annoyed grunt. He stood in the doorway of his bedroom, arm on the doorframe and his back turned away from Donghae.

“I’m sorry, Hyukjae. This was all a mistake-I shouldn’t have come here. This was all a mistake.”

“What was, Donghae?” he suddenly turned back, “It’s not like we slept together. Nothing even happened.”

“We kissed, Hyukjae. We kissed-and-and you told me you loved me-and-and I’m pretty sure I did the same.”

“You did-” he watched Donghae, noticed the difference in his face. He wasn’t that same caring and warm Donghae; all Hyukjae could see was regret and unease. This was just another moment to put on his long list of ways Donghae could possibly reject him.

To put it simply, it hurt. It hurt to see Donghae act like any utterance of the words “I love you” weren’t meant for his ears. None of it mattered to him, not when he had someone else at home. Hyukjae didn’t matter to him and that just plain killed him.

“Did you regret it?” he asked, his eyes not taken off from Donghae who was busily trying to gather all his possessions.

He stopped suddenly, his wristwatch in his hand hang loose like he had forgotten he was still holding it. He stood up tall, and put it back on. He seemed determined, like he wouldn’t back down and he wouldn’t let “that mistake” happen again.

“That’s not important. I have to go now. Bye.”

“You don’t get to leave that easily, Donghae. I won’t let you.”

Donghae glared at him, one hand on Hyukjae’s shoulder and the other on the door frame.

“What are you going to do to me, Hyukjae? You swore to me that you would never hurt me no matter what I did to you. Isn’t-Isn’t that what you said to me when we were together? Remember the first night we ever slept together?”

“Yes-”

“You said you would never hurt me! You told me that you loved me and you wouldn’t do anything to break my heart. Didn’t you say that?”

“Looks like I’m the only one who did.”

Donghae was visibly upset. He removed his hand from Hyukjae’s shoulder and didn’t even bother to argue any further. He pushed by him and headed straight for the door.

Hyukjae could hear the slamming of the front door but didn’t bother to move. He merely sighed to himself, feeling an unimaginable pang in his chest brought about by the downright defeat Donghae had unleashed upon him.

But this time he didn’t cry. Maybe it was stupid optimism or just his usual unrealistic thought pattern but he couldn’t shake the thought that Donghae meant those kisses, that look in his eyes, that “I love you.”

It didn’t matter how much he fought it, he still loved Hyukjae. But it wasn’t merely that Hyukjae had a special place in his heart; both of them knew they were made for each other, even if he was the only one who would outright admit it.

He knew from the moment they met that nobody and nothing would ever come between them. Even if they met a rough patch, even if someone else came along, there was no denying and there was nothing that would stop them from ultimately being together.

Hyukjae wasn’t thinking clearly, he was sure, but this wasn’t just in his head. He felt it in the deepest fathoms of his soul that he was right about everything. He knew Donghae was his soulmate, and he knew that no matter what-no matter how much either of them fought it-they would be together.

But months passed and Donghae didn’t come back. He didn’t return any calls nor any text messages and he never came back to Hyukjae’s apartment. He had followed through with his promise that everything was over. Funnily enough, it was the only promise he was fully capable of keeping.

Once again, Hyukjae was left to wonder as to what he was supposed to do. What was he supposed to do?

He waited, he fought, he tried, but the results were still the same. He was completely, fully in love with Donghae and no matter what he did or what Donghae did, that wasn’t going to change. He didn’t believe there’d be anyone else. He didn’t believe he’d get the chance to forget, and he certainly didn’t believe in “out of sight, out of mind.”

To him, that was a saying thought up by a quitter, someone who had failed and accepted that failure. He didn’t want to be a failure. He didn’t want Donghae to remember him as the failure. He wanted to be the one who got away, at the very least.

But none of that mattered now.

So he made a decision.

He couldn’t stay in that city. He had no job, hardly any friends, and no reason to stay. Donghae took his reason and crushed it.

Hyukjae felt lost, but thought the best solution to his problem was to move back home. Even if he wouldn’t stay with his parents, he’d at least stay near them. He wanted to be somewhere that reminded him of the past, ironic since he was so determined to forget it.

To him, if he couldn’t have what was once his, he could at least go back to the place where losing what was his was never an option.

He decided, that week he’d give his landlady notice and he’d pack up his stuff and move back. He had a lot to do though. He had to let his parents know he was coming back home, let them know he might have to stay with them, at least until he found a place of his own.

From there, he would find a new apartment, a new job, and start a new life. He wanted a new life. He wanted to start from scratch and finally move on, just as Donghae had wanted him to do.

When he got everything sorted out and his parents called him to tell him they’d be waiting for him when he arrived home, he made the last trip from his apartment to his car. He didn’t want to linger; he’d said his goodbyes to his landlady and signed off on his lease. He was ready to leave and he was ready to start anew.

He drove about 2 miles before realizing he’d need gas for the long trip ahead of him. The nearest gas station to him at the moment was next to an outdoor mall that was usually crowded on the weekends, at around the exact time Hyukjae was making his trip.

He couldn’t get a gas pump right away so he opted to stay in his car until something opened up. He waited for about twenty minutes when he noticed a couple of familiar faces. At first he thought he was just seeing things but when he got a closer look, he recognized them as none other than Donghae and Kibum.

He wasn’t sure just what to do. It had been so long since he had last talked to Donghae and even longer since he had last seen Kibum. To be seeing the loving pair just before leaving town for good wasn’t exactly what Hyukjae wanted.

But he knew that he at least owed it to Donghae to let him know he was leaving. He took out his keys from the ignition and got out of his car, locking it behind him.

He strolled along the gas station lot until he was about 10 feet away from Donghae, before calling out to him.

“Hyukjae?” Donghae replied, sounding stunned yet uncertain. Hyukjae could pick up on the vibe of the pair; he was clearly not expected nor exactly wanted. But he persisted, not wanting to let things go unsaid when he was given the perfect opportunity to say them.

“I was just in the neighborhood, saw you two and decided to come out and say hello,” he smiled awkwardly, “So um-hello.”

“Hello,” Kibum replied, another one of his two-sided smiles appeared on his face making Hyukjae wished he could punch this guy once and for all. But he didn’t; he couldn’t, not when Donghae was standing right in front of him.

“Your car looks pretty packed. What’s going on?” Donghae asked, looking at Hyukjae’s car and then back at him. Something about his tone said he knew what was happening but he wanted to hear it straight from Hyukjae’s mouth.

“Oh well-you see-I’m-well-I’m moving.”

“Moving?”

Hyukjae laughed, “Yep, moving. I’m moving back to my hometown-our hometown. I wanted to be closer to my parents and I figured, since there’s nothing really left for me here, I should probably go-you know-where everybody knows my name.”

Another awkward chuckle expelled from him but it was met with silence and rivaled with even more awkwardness.

“So-you’re-leaving?” Donghae appeared disappointed at the news but tried to mask it with a curious expression like he wanted clarification but wasn’t too interested in getting it.

“Yeah. I just figured since-you know what, I can’t do this.”

“Can’t do what?”

“You win, Donghae.”

Donghae looked at Hyukjae, puzzled beyond comprehension, “I win?”

Hyukjae sighed. His apparent calm and otherwise peacefulness dissipated, almost instantly, into sheer misery, “Yeah, you win.”

Donghae shrugged his shoulders, “What do you mean, I win? What am I winning? I don’t understand.”

“I’m done, Donghae. You win,” he said, broken and defeated.

Donghae looked at him, intently.

He was a mess both on the outside and on the inside. He had fought for so long and so hard but now, now he just could not go on any further. Those thoughts about fate and how the two of them were meant for each other, they were gone.

Any last shred of hope had died in him and he was certain that he would never be the same way again.

“What do you mean, I win?” Donghae finally realized what he meant, “This wasn’t a contest, Hyukjae. I wasn’t trying to beat you. I wasn’t.”

“It doesn’t matter what your intentions were, Donghae. It’s over-I’m done trying to convince you that we belong together. I’m done trying to make up for all my mistakes. You’ve made your choice and I need to accept that. I wasn’t worth your attention or your love and that’s fine.”

Though it was a begrudging acceptance, Hyukjae had finally found it and he chose to possess it while also making the decision to flee, to run away as it were.

Donghae appeared solemn, intently listening to all Hyukjae had to say. The sorry look on the other’s face did enough to keep him from being distracted by anything else, even the raging thoughts going through his mind. And to a lesser extent, there was the raging beating of his heart.

“I love you, Donghae. And as cliché as it sounds, that will never change. But sometimes things happen, people move on and change comes. I thought I could make you happy but I didn’t and I couldn’t. That was my fault and for that I’m sorry.”

“Hyukjae-.”

“You deserve better than someone as messed up as me. I couldn’t even keep my promise of never hurting you. How’s that for being a great boyfriend?” he laughed to himself, ironically and with a slight sobbing sound.

He held back his tears, feeling he’d done enough breaking down over the course of the whole battle, as he continually referred to it. He didn’t want to remain vulnerable, or at least, not any more vulnerable than he was at that very moment, admitting defeat.

“I’m sorry, Donghae. And I’m sorry to you, Kibum. You didn’t deserve to be the target of the crazy ex-boyfriend. I shouldn’t have interfered in a relationship that didn’t involve me-even if I was still in love with one of the active parties,” another slight chuckle came from an even more distraught Hyukjae.

“Hyukjae, I-”

“What? There’s nothing you can say, Donghae. It’s done and I won’t be bothering you guys anymore. I’m finally moving on with my life and I hope you-”

“I wish you wouldn’t.”

Hyukjae stopped, not quite sure of what Donghae had just said, “I’m sorry, what?”

“I said, I wish you wouldn’t,” Donghae repeated, this time in a louder tone. “I wish you wouldn’t move on with your life.”

“Well, that’s a bit cruel, don’t you think? Good luck with this one, Kibum. He’s kind of selfish.”

Donghae appeared exasperated, annoyed that Hyukjae continued to insult even whilst making an otherwise heartfelt apology.

“I’m trying to tell you that I love you, you idiot! Can you shut up for five seconds so I can talk?!”

Kibum and Hyukjae both gaped at Donghae, clearly shocked by his bold declaration. Kibum attempted to get Donghae’s attention by putting his hand on the other’s shoulder but Donghae took hold of it and slowly put it down.

“I’m sorry, Kibum. I didn’t want things to turn out this way. You’re a really good guy but-you were just a substitute for Hyukjae.”

“WHAT?!”

“SHUT UP HYUKJAE! I’M TALKING!”

“Is that true?” Kibum asked, sounding every bit as hurt as one could expect him to. “Were you just using me to get over him?”

“’Him’ has a name, you know?”

“Hyukjae, I swear if you do not stop interrupting, I will leave you right here and won’t come back!”

Hyukjae made a gesture like he was zipping his mouth, following with quickened silence and a widened smile on his face.

“I’m sorry, Kibum. I don’t know what else to say.”

Kibum sighed and put his hands on his hips. He looked at Donghae and back at Hyukjae then once again at Donghae.

“I could work harder. Just don’t leave me for-him.”

Before Hyukjae could retort, Donghae gave him a threatening look that prompted him to shut up once again. He gave Kibum a dirty look that was retorted with an equally nasty sneer.

“What can I say? I love him.”

“Well, I’ll do something for you that he could never do.”

“What’s that?”

“I’ll let you get on with your life. Unlike some people, I know that when you love something, you’ve got to set it free. And don’t worry, you’ll be back. If I were you, I’d be single a week later due to the unfortunate murder of the idiot boyfriend I chose instead of the cool, nice guy with the great head of hair.”

“Hyukjae, don’t.”

Hyukjae simply walked away, giving the parting couple privacy and giving himself extra space and a chance to cool down. It was quite clear he wasn’t quite ready to accept the fact that Kibum was Donghae’s first choice for that short but agonizing timespan.

“I promise you that you will find someone better; someone with less baggage than me. And I can only hope and pray that they’ll treat you the way you deserve to be treated. Can you promise me that you’ll look for that person?”

“I will,” Kibum said simply, following by giving Donghae one last embrace and one somewhat too long and passionate kiss. Hyukjae nearly went after him but Kibum pulled away before he got the chance.

He said his goodbye to Donghae, sweetly and gentleman-like. When he looked to give Hyukjae a goodbye, he merely made an obscene gesture before walking away (rather quickly). Hyukjae was held back by an amused Donghae who felt that the goodbye was appropriate despite how inappropriate it really was.

“Hyukjae,” Donghae said, catching the attention of the otherwise distracted Hyukjae.

“Donghae?”

“I love you,” he said, smiling. He had that same aura that Hyukjae had always loved on him. The loving glow, the soft eyes, the warmth, the endearing smile; all of it returned to Hyukjae. This time it was legitimate and truthful and was returned with the same aura that Donghae had longed to once again experience.

The two kissed, embracing tightly, tight enough so as to keep everything (and everyone) from ever separating the two.

THE END

Epilogue:

It needn’t be said that Hyukjae decided moving back home wasn’t the best of his ideas but it was okay. He’d found a new home, a shared home with the person he’d never wanted to be apart from.

He moved into Donghae’s apartment not long after the two reunited and rekindled their relationship. It was a rash decision at the time but both grew into it when they realized just how much they just plain missed each other.

Needless to say, with a shared bedroom, and no need for either one of them to return to their own apartments, their nights were full of the expressed love they’d both longed to for since before the breakup and even after it.

After one particularly mind-blowing (as Hyukjae so eloquently put it) intimate moment, Donghae and Hyukjae embraced each other while lying next to one another. The scene was reminiscent of the moment they’d had in Hyukjae’s old apartment when Donghae was still in denial about his feelings for Hyukjae.

Only Hyukjae made the reference, however, explaining to Donghae that that moment was one of the greatest in his life, even if it was surrounded in negativity and resentment.

“I’d never wanted to be anywhere else but right there, next to you, looking into your eyes, knowing that you were mine and nothing could change that.”

Donghae smiled, practically blushing as well, “The thing about that is, now, that moment never has to end.”

He kissed Hyukjae, with an insurmountable passion that more or less made Hyukjae weak in the knees, his skin tingle, and his heart skip a beat. It was cliché to say the least but Hyukjae and Donghae didn’t care.

They only cared that finally, they were able to spend the rest of their lives together.

END EPILOGUE

A/N: This is the longest one-shot I have /ever/ written. And probably the most angsty, sappiest, cheesiest romcom I've ever written either! Anyways, hope you liked it!

This fic is more or less dedicated to rurouneko ♥