(no subject)
so, today was going well. perhaps you read about it before clicking on the cut. but suffice it to say, i was in a good mood, feeling productive, and so i decided to finally get the bike that's been sitting in my apartment for over a month, and actually take it for a ride. which started out great. love the feeling of the wind against my face, biking is fun, etc., etc. so i go about 20 blocks (from 51st - 31st ish) and there's a park-thing there, so i decide to dismount, rest a bit, and drink some water.
as soon as i got off the bike, i was like "ooooo, leeeeeeeeegs." they are going to be asserting their presence tomorrow, i can guarantee that... but anyway, i rested on a bench for a while...stretched a bit...drank some water...and then decided to mosy on back (at a relatively gentle pace) towards home. i stop after...not very long at all and take another long drink at the water fountain. and then go a little farther, so that i'm about...2 blocks away from home, and i'm going up a hill, and i'm like "no way...i'm getting off and walking the bike."
so i got off the bike, and as soon as i did, i knew it would be wise of me to go sit and rest...i was starting to feel a bit nauseous, which i can usually squelch by breathing deeply and concentrating...and....then it became apparent that i was going to fail. so i'm sitting on this rock ledge that has a...more bouldery beachish sort of thing on the other side of it, and i'm like "i can't throw up here, people go on these rocks!" so i (just barely) got myself over to some bushes and--for the first time EVER because of physical expenditure--threw up. a lot. like...four times. and i eventually ended up sitting on the ground sort of leaning against the rock ledge.
thankfully AFTER i was done throwing up, this woman came up to me to see if i was okay. at that point, i was still pretty much incapacitated, and sort of managed to ask her if she had some water. she didn't, but she tried to find someone who did, alas there was no one...this guy came over maybe also to help get me over to the drinking fountain, but at that point, i still couldn't walk (or get up). and she asked me if there was anyone she could call for me.
and...the answer was no. i don't think i know anyone who would have been able to get to me in less than 45 minutes...and that's if traffic were reasonably okish. and that was scary. what if i had really needed someone to come? it's...not a great feeling.
in any case, i assured her that i would be okay, that i was already feeling more alive and just needed to sit a little bit longer. she reluctantly walked away, but actually didn't end up going very far and called her boyfriend to see if he could come pick me up. when she came back over to me, i declined--actually, walking to where he could pick me up would be, like, 200ft from my apartment building...
i got up, and successfully managed to walk my bike back to my building with no further incident. though when i tried to put my bike up on the top rack in the bike room, i ended up very quickly deciding that i, instead, needed to just throw it (unlocked) somewhere and get back to my apartment ASAP before i had a repeat episode sans bushes. i'm not entirely sure how i maintained the dexterity to unlock my door because i could hardly walk straight, but i did manage to safely get back to my apartment where i can convalesce in peace. though the sad thing is, what i would **really** like, is for someone to come and bring me dinner or something...you know...just sit with me for a bit and take care of me a little? and there is no one really i could ask to do that :( i am bad at friends, yo.
but!!! in better news!
*i had an interview today that i think went really well.
*i feel good about getting active again, and biking is super fun (am also doing this 100 pushups thing that i think is exciting).
*i love my kitteh.
*i've gotten some really important things done, recently.
*aside from feeling more isolated than i would ideally like to be, i'm actually doing quite well. like, happy and stuff. it's an interesting thing. and also is compartmentalized from the feeling isolated. like, the isolation isn't so much making me **less happy**, sometimes i'm as happy as happy can be. it's just at the times when i actually feel that isolation, then that is less happy.