21 December 1982
I have picked this up half a dozen times, but I've been to furious to write.
I want to be there for Melisande. I do. I want to be her friend, but right now she is being so fucking frustrating. I am her friend, I just wish - I just wish she could see this for what it is. HE wouldn't be with her if she wasn't bloody gorgeous. It would be someone else or someones else (we don't actually know that there isn't someone else, I'm just assuming their isn't). She's already been through so much, I hate the idea of someone fucking with her emotions.
And I'm frustrated because she could have anyone and that's who she picked. Lotharius Marchbanks, even his name - it makes me want to scream.
I know that I'm not happy about this because of what happened with Valerian. I want to hate Valerian so badly, I want to SCREAM and KICK and HEX him because it would make me feel better. I shouldn't hate him, I hate him because I want to hate him and that's better than wanting to talk to his sorry pureblooded arse.
I don't know, my emotions are so mixed about this, and I know I'm not being fair. I DON'T WANT TO BE FAIR ABOUT THIS. I just want to scream and save Melisande from herself.
But I'm going to stop thinking about this, because Sandy and I found my wedding dress. It has a back and it's perfect and gorgeous. I'm going to keep it at her place when I get it because I don't want Drem to see it, but my mam is going to cry when she sees it and his might too.
It's perfect.