labour like an orchard
I've been thinking about this a lot, for a few years now. This topic made up a major part of my reflections on the weekend of the Queering Femininity conference. And yesterday it was once again brought to the forefront of my mind. I think this a bit of a ramble, but please help me think this through.
Yesterday I got the marks back for that assignment I was working on last week. I did very well and the marker's comments were extremely positive. I also had a meeting with my advisers, mentors and co-workers yesterday to discuss the end of my work contract. We did a couple hours of really productive planning. At the end of the meeting they said some really moving things about the quality of my work, what it was like to work with me and the difference I've made. In both the school and the work context, I noticed how surprised I was that people were impressed with my work. I think that this has a lot to do with self esteem and the (lack of) value I put on the work I do; I think it also has a lot to do with my class background, and what kind of work is considered 'real work' in my culture. I think that coming from a lineage of working class, farming people impacts the values in my family and that somehow the belief that real work is hard (physical, labour intensive) work. At the same time, my immediate family had mixed class realities when I was growing up. My mother was working poor and my dad was newly middle class. They weren't together, so I experienced both realities--middle class weekends and working poor weekdays. I experienced really disparate ideas/concepts of work and economics, and also had different educational/employment opportunities than the rest of my family have had. I think the fact that we do have a history of poverty and limited opportunity impacted a lot of my decisions about education--a lot of my determination in school has come from not wanting to get stuck in a life I didn't want. And I still am motivated by that and by the full realization of what a privilege education is--I'm not about to give that up, even when I'm frustrated with school. And yet, academics and office work have always felt alien. I always feel like I'm getting away with something, like people think I'm working, but that none of this is real work.
At the Queering Femininity conference, I thought a lot about the intersection of my femme gender and my class, and how much sense of self I get out of my competence and skill at giving care and working/loving hard. I think a lot of my identity hinges on fiercely caring for people (and animals, plants, etc.), and on being able to take it all on. I've been noticing this lately more than ever as we prepare to move and I just get right into efficient housewife mode, balancing work and school and house hunting and a huge increase in required housework. A lot of how I express this isn't great, because I become overworked and resentful and don't ask for help when I need it and under-value the work that I do. I think, though, that maybe there is a way to incorporate this value and identification with hard work into something more fulfilling.