i don't know what to do
Well, I just typed a huge entry, and now it's gone. That upsets me. And I feel like typing it all over again, but then again I really don't.
It was about Thoma's. It's really long.
Thoma's is gone. He died Sunday. Just like that. I know nothing of the details and if he just stopped holding on and let go, or if it was something the doctors could have prevented. Thoma's wasn't supposed to die. He was supposed to grow old with me. He was beautiful, and smart, and funny, and sweet, and sensitive.. and oh did he love God. He was perfect in my eyes. I fell in love with him. I wanted to spend my life with him. We both thought that we'd be together again once we got older. But now, he's gone. And I miss him. He went through so much as a child and as a teenager. He had to grow up right as he was becoming a kid who could run around outside and play with new friends. He lost his parents when he was only 2 years old. He moved from foster family to foster family, from state to state. None of these families kept him. Thoma's never really had much of anybody that he could depend on. Jessica. Me. That's about it. I wish that was all he could have needed.
I've gotta realize though, that no matter how much I miss him.. he's happier now. He's with God now, and he's smiling. He's better now, he's not in any pain. And, he's with his parents.. he loved his parents, the people he knew for only 2 years. It makes me think though, he could have left when they left. But he stayed here for another 16 years, to make some sort of impact. He was here for a reason. I hope he figures that out. I know he made a huge, life-changing impact on me. And I'll never forget it.
When I found out he was sick, I bawled. When he was steadily getting worse, I'd cry myself to sleep. But now, that he's gone, I can barely shed a tear.. why is that? I wrote a poem last Thursday, saying that I'd be okay if he left, because I know he'd be with God. Was that me unconsciously telling God, that I'll be okay, and that if He needed Thoma's, to take him. I didn't want to be selfish. I didn't want Thoma's to be here when he was constantly in pain, although I never wanted him to leave. I don't feel that he's really gone. I feel like he's gonna get back online and just say, Hey.. I'm doing okay. It makes me feel great that you're always there. I love you. When he was sick, and I was feeling down, someone told me to think of it, that if he died, that he'd be my Guardian Angel. Is that why I feel that he's not really gone? Because really, he'll always be with me? Monica told me the other day, when I was talking to her about how truly amazing he really is, she mentioned something along the lines of he was too good for the Earth, so he went back to Heaven and maybe it's true. Thoma's deserves the best. Probably more than I could have ever given him, but oh I was willing to try so hard. He's going to get the best now. Thoma's is with God. The best he could ever get. He's in Heaven.
Looking at all the things that I have from me and Thoma's, all the memories, it just makes me so sad that I won't be able to make any more memories with him here. I'm never going to get rid of those items, but I know that everytime I look at them, I will feel a sting of sadness in the pit of my stomach, and the sting of tears welling in my eyes. I know I'll see him again one day, but it hurts so much to know that he's really gone. He's really gone. And no matter how many times I say that to myself, it never feels true. He's going to surprise me by just showing up one day. And he won't be an angel. He'll be Thoma's. Alive, and healthy. Better. I miss him. He always understood me, and he always loved me. He always was there for me and he always knew how to make me smile through my tears. Now is my turn to understand and love. He knows I think about him everyday. He's happier, he's not in anymore pain.. and he's with God. That's all that matters.
Oh, but I miss him. So much. I love you, Thoma's.
I'm ranked 4th in the senior class. That's nice and all. There's no one that's 3rd, but Khristian said that they're just waiting for one of us to pull ahead. That very well may be him. I don't know though. It'd be cool to be 3rd.
I'm sad that me and Dane can't be friends. It hurts.
I love my friends. They may irritate me and hurt me sometimes, but it doesn't change how much I love them.
4 day weekend. shopping with monica tomorrow. yay.
see you all later. lots of love.
ps-if you read all of what's behind the cut, i'm proud of you.
It was about Thoma's. It's really long.
Thoma's is gone. He died Sunday. Just like that. I know nothing of the details and if he just stopped holding on and let go, or if it was something the doctors could have prevented. Thoma's wasn't supposed to die. He was supposed to grow old with me. He was beautiful, and smart, and funny, and sweet, and sensitive.. and oh did he love God. He was perfect in my eyes. I fell in love with him. I wanted to spend my life with him. We both thought that we'd be together again once we got older. But now, he's gone. And I miss him. He went through so much as a child and as a teenager. He had to grow up right as he was becoming a kid who could run around outside and play with new friends. He lost his parents when he was only 2 years old. He moved from foster family to foster family, from state to state. None of these families kept him. Thoma's never really had much of anybody that he could depend on. Jessica. Me. That's about it. I wish that was all he could have needed.
I've gotta realize though, that no matter how much I miss him.. he's happier now. He's with God now, and he's smiling. He's better now, he's not in any pain. And, he's with his parents.. he loved his parents, the people he knew for only 2 years. It makes me think though, he could have left when they left. But he stayed here for another 16 years, to make some sort of impact. He was here for a reason. I hope he figures that out. I know he made a huge, life-changing impact on me. And I'll never forget it.
When I found out he was sick, I bawled. When he was steadily getting worse, I'd cry myself to sleep. But now, that he's gone, I can barely shed a tear.. why is that? I wrote a poem last Thursday, saying that I'd be okay if he left, because I know he'd be with God. Was that me unconsciously telling God, that I'll be okay, and that if He needed Thoma's, to take him. I didn't want to be selfish. I didn't want Thoma's to be here when he was constantly in pain, although I never wanted him to leave. I don't feel that he's really gone. I feel like he's gonna get back online and just say, Hey.. I'm doing okay. It makes me feel great that you're always there. I love you. When he was sick, and I was feeling down, someone told me to think of it, that if he died, that he'd be my Guardian Angel. Is that why I feel that he's not really gone? Because really, he'll always be with me? Monica told me the other day, when I was talking to her about how truly amazing he really is, she mentioned something along the lines of he was too good for the Earth, so he went back to Heaven and maybe it's true. Thoma's deserves the best. Probably more than I could have ever given him, but oh I was willing to try so hard. He's going to get the best now. Thoma's is with God. The best he could ever get. He's in Heaven.
Looking at all the things that I have from me and Thoma's, all the memories, it just makes me so sad that I won't be able to make any more memories with him here. I'm never going to get rid of those items, but I know that everytime I look at them, I will feel a sting of sadness in the pit of my stomach, and the sting of tears welling in my eyes. I know I'll see him again one day, but it hurts so much to know that he's really gone. He's really gone. And no matter how many times I say that to myself, it never feels true. He's going to surprise me by just showing up one day. And he won't be an angel. He'll be Thoma's. Alive, and healthy. Better. I miss him. He always understood me, and he always loved me. He always was there for me and he always knew how to make me smile through my tears. Now is my turn to understand and love. He knows I think about him everyday. He's happier, he's not in anymore pain.. and he's with God. That's all that matters.
Oh, but I miss him. So much. I love you, Thoma's.
I'm ranked 4th in the senior class. That's nice and all. There's no one that's 3rd, but Khristian said that they're just waiting for one of us to pull ahead. That very well may be him. I don't know though. It'd be cool to be 3rd.
I'm sad that me and Dane can't be friends. It hurts.
I love my friends. They may irritate me and hurt me sometimes, but it doesn't change how much I love them.
4 day weekend. shopping with monica tomorrow. yay.
see you all later. lots of love.
ps-if you read all of what's behind the cut, i'm proud of you.